


You are Love

by lala_pipo



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, M/M, Romance, awkward kibum, growing up sucks, musical genius jonghyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-22 05:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 180,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lala_pipo/pseuds/lala_pipo
Summary: There wasn’t much a teenager in Kim Kibum’s age was interested in. Adolescence was all about falling in and out of love for the first time, experiencing the first kiss and having the awkward first sex...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This fic originally started out as a fanfic on LiveJournal in the year 2010. Therefore, this fic might be very different compared to plots and character 'descriptions' that are popular these days. However, this doesn't mean it's one of the stereotypical fics from back in the day that people like to bash nowadays. (I still don't understand why they do that, but they will have their reasons I guess)
> 
> What does that mean? That means you won't find 'umma/diva' Key in here, nor 'cocky/dumb' Jonghyun (because even in 2010 he didn't come off as cocky to me¯\\_(ツ)_/¯), nor some artificially produced angst. The only stereotype I use is Jinki loving chicken, but come on, let's be real... that's not really a stereotype...he really does love chicken. 
> 
> This fic is about people growing up and finding themselves, and I invested most of my time into the development of the two main characters, so if you expect dramatic plot lines, and people who only realize they like each other in the last chapter, this might not be the story you are looking for. This is just something calm, and cute, and fluffy....to let you escape from the brutality of real life for a while.
> 
> As the rating suggests there is some explicit content in later chapters of this story, but the focus is clearly not on that.
> 
> Last but not least....please enjoy! :)

 

**Prologue**

 

** **

**T** here wasn’t much a teenager in Kim Kibum’s age was interested in. Adolescence was all about falling in and out of love for the first time, experiencing the first kiss and having the awkward first sex. It was all about first times and Kibum wasn’t less eager in finding out about all the little secrets in the world of adults than other people in their teens were. But being different to his peers didn’t really help in gathering experience. Kibum had already known at a really young age that he was different to all the other boys at school.

At the age of nine, he had been interested in art and fashion, while other boys his age had run through the woods and had played hide and seek.

At the age of twelve, he had cut his hair for the first time, being grounded by his mum for the experimental, asymmetrical hairstyle he had worked on the whole night, while other boys his age had started to measure their strength with each other and had come home with scratches and bruises.

At the age of thirteen, he had dyed his hair blonde for the first time, being slapped for it by his dad who had left the family a year later to start a new life with a younger woman, while other boys his age started to ogle at girls with growing boobies and short skirts.

At the age of fourteen, he had masturbated for the first time, thinking of the lightly clad man in the new Diet Coke commercial that had been on TV, while other boys his age started to share their first sloppy kisses with girls during childish games at stupid birthday parties.

At the age of fifteen, he was beaten up for the first time for being different, while other boys his age started to treat other people who weren’t interested in sports or dating girls like shit.

With sixteen, after having gotten beaten up for what had seemed the hundredth time, his mum had decided to move away with him from the countryside to start a new, better life in Seoul.

And soon after Kibum had peacefully settled down at a new school with new classmates and teachers he quickly had found something or rather someone who had confused his hormone balance way more than the Diet Coke guy years back ever had.

 

**Chapter 1**

"No chance he’s ever going to take a closer look at you. All he cares about is his guitar. I’m pretty sure he even does strange things with it at night," Jinki mumbled, chewing eagerly on his chicken sandwich while eyeing a young man suspiciously who sat on a chair at the further end of the canteen.

"He gives lessons, doesn’t he? Maybe I should ask him if he can give me some," Kibum considered, tapping his forefinger thoughtfully against his chin.

 

"I didn’t know you were interested in playing an instrument?" Jinki frowned, taking another bite of his sandwich.

 

"I’m not, but I’m interested in him…You get the point?" Kibum asked with expansive gestures, causing Jinki to frown even more before an understanding, 'Oh' left his lips.

 

"That’s actually pretty clever," the taller one admitted before he stuffed the remaining part of his sandwich into his mouth, enjoying the taste of his mum’s delicious, self-made fresh, fried chicken on his tongue.

 

"Thanks for the flowers." Kibum rolled his eyes, leaning his head on the palm of his hand and watching the reflection of his midnight fantasies with adoring eyes.

 

Since Kibum’s first day at a new high school he hung around with Jinki, some super intelligent but clumsy chicken drumstick lover who ranked always first place at the school blackboard and was treated like a misfit by his fellow students who envied him for his excellent grades. Their class teacher had asked Jinki to show Kibum around at school during his first day and the both of them soon got along really well. Maybe it was because opposites attract or because both knew that they were outsiders and it was better for them to stick to each other than to have no one at all.

 

Even though they had never really talked about it specifically Jinki knew that Kibum wasn’t interested in girls like boys his age usually were, but for him, it didn’t matter if Kibum liked girls or boys or chicken for that matter as long as he was happy. So it wasn’t really surprising for him when Kibum had run up to him one day and had told him that he had just seen the most beautiful creature on earth, playing guitar in one of their empty music rooms.

 

His name was Kim Jonghyun, a senior and music lover with gorgeous, big brown eyes and a voice that caused goosebumps on Kibum’s skin. He didn’t really know much about him, only that Jonghyun was in his last year at school and wanted to study music at university after graduation, and that he gave guitar and piano lessons after school. It had become Kibum’s newly found secret obsession to sit down in front of the music room when Jonghyun was there and listen to his guitar or piano play with a fond smile on his lips.

 

Luckily, he hadn't been caught by the older one yet, because outing himself as his biggest fan and someone who takes way too much interest in the life of someone he didn't personally know didn't really seem appropriate.

"Did he get a new haircut? His hair looks slightly shorter than yesterday," Kibum mused, narrowing his eyes to get a clearer view of the older one.

 

In response, Jinki sighed and shook his head in an almost merciful looking way.

 

"Oh my, you should better stop looking at him, because drool is already dripping down your chin," he joked, getting immediately punched for his comment.

 

"Look, he is for me what chicken drumsticks are for you…drool-worthy."

 

"You can’t compare a guy to chicken drumsticks, dude! You don’t know what you’re talking about, Kibum…IT’S CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS! SOMETHING TOTALLY MADE BY HEAVEN…AND THE TASTE IS JUST LIKE THE BEST THING YOU WILL PROBABLY EVER TASTE!" Jinki exaggerated with big hand gestures, eyes wide as plates.

 

A deep sigh left Kibum’s lips before he turned his head away from Jinki and followed Jonghyun’s every movement with his eyes again.

 

"It’s Kim Jonghyun we’re talking about, Jinki. Something probably made by heaven and gosh I would chop off a leg if I was able to taste his lips at least once in my life," he whispered in thought, biting his lip when he saw how Jonghyun shook his black bangs and stood up from his place to leave the canteen with a guitar bag on his back.

 

"Boy, you seriously need help. Maybe you should stop drooling and act instead. You’re after him for 2 months and he still doesn’t even know of your existence!"

 

"He doesn’t look like he’s into boys."

 

"He doesn’t seem to be into girls either…at least I haven’t seen him with a girl yet. Maybe he’s really guitarsexual. But _guuuh_ …that would be so gross." Jinki scrunched his nose in disgust, not noticing the glare Kibum directed at him.

 

"Sometimes it’s really hard to believe that you’re the person that always ranks first place, you know," Kibum snorted, brushing away some strands of his black hair.

 

"Then convince me of the contrary. Maybe you really should ask him for lessons. That’s the best and most natural way to get to know him," Jinki shrugged and closed his lunchbox to put it back into his schoolbag.

 

"Oh god, I’m probably going to die if I stand in front of him and won’t be able to form a coherent sentence. Please come with me…He’s always in the music room on the third floor after our last class." Kibum tried out his best puppy look but failed miserably.

 

"Wow…that really looks creepy and it’s even creepier that you know all this stuff about him, but well…why not. It’s better to help you to get to know him than to suffer under your continuous rambling about him."

 

For the rest of the day, Kibum was lost in his thoughts and not really aware of his surroundings. All he could think of was how he should approach Jonghyun, what he should say and how he should act. Masculine? Feminine? Funny? Serious? Like the boy next door? Like a rebel? He tried to imagine how their first meeting would be, but his fantasies always got out of hand and he ended up thinking of hot interludes on the ground of the music room. Not that he had any experience at all, but to be near Jonghyun had to be hot already.

 

***

 

"I can’t do it, Jinki…I…I…I think I’m going to faint if I stand in front of him," Kibum stuttered after he left the chemistry room together with Jinki and grabbed his friend’s school uniform for support.

"Don’t be like that now, Kibum. He’s just a human after all. If Jonghyun really has the same meaning for you as chicken drumsticks have for me…then you should go now, grab him and enjoy his taste as long as possible," Jinki said earnestly and pulled Kibum after him to the third floor.

 

"I really love how you can always draw a line between your chicken addiction and daily life situations," Kibum mumbled, trying to keep up with Jinki’s huge steps.

 

"That’s because chicken is almighty, you know."

 

All too soon both of them found themselves standing in front of the music room on the third floor, trying to regain their posture. Kibum had the feeling he was going to throw up anytime soon. It was one thing to have a crush on someone and admiring them from a safe distance, but facing them in person and talking to them was another thing. He had never been in such a situation before because all the boys at his old school had been Neanderthals to him, so he didn’t really know how to handle the whole situation. The palms of his hands were sweaty, his heartbeat increased and his knees were trembling terribly.

 

Way too early for Kibum’s liking Jinki knocked on the closed door, waiting for someone to open it. The smaller one was already going to protest and swear when the door suddenly opened and Jonghyun appeared behind it. Kibum fell automatically silent when those shiny, brown eyes checked him and Jinki with curiosity, his mouth becoming dry.

 

"May I help you?" Jonghyun asked politely and in a tone that made Kibum’s blood boil. When Kibum didn’t answer, his mouth staying shut tightly even after Jinki pushed his elbow into his ribs the taller one took the helm and introduced them.

 

"Well…yes. I’m Lee Jinki and this is my friend Kim Kibum from class 10. We heard that you’re giving piano and guitar lessons and my friend here is highly interested," Jinki said well-mannered, smiling like a vacuum salesman after a successful completion of a contract. While Jonghyun’s face automatically brightened up after hearing that someone new was interested in taking music lessons, Kibum’s face still seemed baffled. The situation was so unreal that Kibum wasn’t even sure if all this was part of a dream or if this was indeed reality.

 

"Oh, that’s nice to hear. I’m Kim Jonghyun class 12. Nice to meet you two," he bowed slightly before inviting the two of them into the room. Jinki followed him naturally, but Kibum stayed frozen to the ground, not moving a centimeter. When Jinki noticed Kibum's absence, he turned back, swore under his breath and pulled Kibum with him.

 

"What’s wrong with you, Kibum? Think about what I told you about the chicken. Go, get it, and enjoy it!" he whispered in his friend’s direction, turning around again and sending Jonghyun a sugar sweet smile.

 

"He’s always a bit…slow," Jinki grinned and patted Kibum’s shoulder who under normal circumstances would have hit him for such a comment, but now he was too mesmerized by the older one that he didn’t pay attention to any of the things Jinki said.

 

Jonghyun just smiled back politely, looking a bit confused. The continuous staring seemed to be noticed by the older one because it caused him to check his reflection in one of the mirrors hanging on the walls in the room to make sure that everything was okay with the way he looked.

 

"You can sit down if you want," Jonghyun suggested and pointed at a row of chairs when he saw them standing in the big room, looking a bit misplaced. He then grabbed one of the chairs for himself, sitting on it the wrong way around, leaning his arms on the backrest.

 

"Do you like to learn guitar or piano, Kibum?" Jonghyun asked patiently, seemingly curious about the odd boy who hadn’t said a word yet. He glanced at the younger one with curious eyes, which made it hard for Kibum to breathe. His eyes were so clear and pure that Kibum almost felt guilty for masturbating every night with Jonghyun’s face in mind.

 

"Is everything okay with him? He looks kind of sick," Jonghyun asked worriedly, facing Jinki again when Kibum didn’t answer due to lack of words. Jinki laughed awkwardly, regretting the decision to go with Kibum in the first place. Usually, it wasn’t Kibum’s nature to be at a loss for words.

 

"Well, he had the flu last week and he’s still not completely over it. I really apologize for it. Maybe we should get going again," Jinki lied with a faked, bitter laugh and stood up hastily, grabbing Kibum’s arm in the process.

 

"Oh okay…well, maybe he should come back when he’s feeling better then? New students are always welcomed," Jonghyun smiled, accompanying the younger ones to the door.

 

"He will…definitely! I’m really sorry for the disturbance," Jinki said with a bow, supporting Kibum with his left arm.

 

"Don’t worry. It was nice meeting you."

 

After waving Jonghyun goodbye Jinki pulled Kibum to the nearest restroom and almost smashed the door close behind them.

 

"Are you out of your mind, Kibum? What was this all about? I feel like a total fool!" Jinki sighed frustrated, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his forefingers.

 

"I’m sorry," was the only thing Kibum stuttered before he went to the sink and splashed some water on his face.

 

"I…oh god, that was so embarrassing," Kibum then whined and clawed his fingers into the sink till his knuckles turned white.

 

"Yes, it was," Jinki nodded in agreement, leaning back against the closed restroom door.

 

"I have no idea what happened…I had a total blackout. Did he really call me by my name? Oh my god, I think I’m going to die. I won’t be able to face him ever again. I should never come back to school again. I should change schools…oh god, what am I saying…I should drop out of school altogether. I just made a total fool out of myself in front of the hottest guy I have ever seen. What can be worse than this?" Kibum rambled feverishly, watching his own pale reflection in the mirror over the sink.

 

"You are talking nonsense, dude. It’s not like you dropped your pants in front of the pope or something," the older one said.

 

"Jinki have you ever been in love? I mean in love with a real person, not with chicken drumsticks," Kibum asked, faced wrinkled in agony.

 

"Well…no, not really," Jinki scratched the back of his head after thinking about the question for a second. Kibum just sighed at the answer, slumping hopelessly down onto the ground, face buried between his knees.

 

"Oh Jinki, why is this my life?"

 

 

**Chapter 2**

 

Kibum lay wide awake in his bed the following night and wasn’t able to sleep because all he could think of was Jonghyun and how embarrassing it had been to meet him. He was thinking about pretending to be sick to be able to stay at home the next day, but he couldn’t miss any of his classes. Why was it so easy to talk to Jonghyun in his imagination and why did it seem to be impossible to talk to him in reality? Jinki was right, Jonghyun was just human, but god damn it, he was too handsome for his own good.

Kibum thought of himself as a really pathetic person for falling in love with someone he actually didn’t even know. Wasn’t it really superficial to fall in love because of looks?  
Maybe Jonghyun was the biggest asshole walking around and still, Kibum had fallen in love with him because he had puppy-like eyes and cute, pouty lips? That was really pitiable. With a sigh Kibum grabbed his pillow and pressed it against his face, hoping for death by suffocation. Unfortunately, his body didn’t like the idea of dying through a pillow which caused Kibum to fight for air when he pulled the pillow away again.

The rest of the night Kibum stared at his dark ceiling with blank eyes, trying to think about nothing at all. It was a hopeless attempt because as soon as he thought that his mind was at ease he heard Jonghyun’s voice in his head and saw his eyes sparkle in front of him. How was it even possible for someone his age to keep those innocent, child-like looking eyes alive? With a sigh, Kibum turned on the lamp on his nightstand and grabbed the sketchbook which lay on it. The sketchbook was the most intimate thing he owned because it included dozens of drawings of Jonghyun. Jonghyun smiling, Jonghyun looking thoughtful, Jonghyun playing guitar, Jonghyun walking down the hall, Kibum was more than thankful for his good memory which made it possible for him to draw from his mind. Before he had seen Jonghyun for the very first time his sketchbook had included drawings of landscapes, fashion, of still lives and animals, but nowadays Jonghyun was the only subject of his works.

He grabbed a pencil and started to outline big, almond-shaped eyes and a flat nose, adding the curves of a beautiful, kissable mouth and a strong jaw, sighing when the shades made the sketch look even more realistic.

The sun already raised when he was finished with the drawing, showing Jonghyun sitting on that chair in the music room, looking curiously at him. Kibum outlined the contours of his drawing thoughtfully with his fingers before closing his sketchbook and hiding it in the drawer of his nightstand. It was the safest place for his little obsession.

***

“I’m sorry to be this straightforward, but even the burned chicken my mum forgot in the oven yesterday looked better than you do today, Kibum. Didn’t you get any sleep?” Jinki asked when they sat down in their history class, waiting for the teacher to come.

“I didn’t sleep a wink. There was too much going on in my head,” Kibum sighed, pulling out his history book to place it in front of him.

“Jonghyun, I guess.”

Kibum simply nodded, rubbing his eyes to be able to concentrate.

“You shouldn’t worry so much. I’m sure it will be okay. Look, I bought chicken drumsticks once and was so happy to eat them, but then there was this stupid group of kids that almost knocked me down because they wanted to be first at the ice cream stand. However, my box with chicken drumsticks fell to the ground when one of this kids barged against me and I really wanted to scream and thought the world is going to hell when the box fell into a puddle, but then I realised that I could just dry them at home and warm them up again in the microwave. They tasted wonderful,” Jinki smiled brightly, causing Kibum to frown. It was even harder to endure Jinki’s chicken stories without any sleep.

“And what exactly is the point of this story?” Kibum asked a little bit stressed out, massaging his temples to help him relax.

Jinki thought about it for a second before he shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you a story with a happy ending. I’m sure you will also have your happy ending with him,” the older one nodded, patting Kibum’s back.

“Thanks…I guess,” Kibum answered, but wasn’t even sure if a thank you was really appropriate in this situation.

***

Kibum was munching away on one of the rice cakes his mum had made for him in the morning at the school canteen during his break, waiting for Jinki to join him for lunch when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, feeling better today?”

Kibum almost choked on his rice cake when the angelic voice that talked to him every night reached his ear. He coughed loudly, feeling dizziness clasping his body. Why was he talking to him? Why was his hand on his shoulder? And why did he smell like a candy store?

“Mmmhh…,” was the only thing Kibum was able to utter with a nod before he grabbed a tissue and cleaned his mouth with trembling fingers. When he felt how the bench next to him eased a bit his eyes widened. He didn’t need to look up to see that Jonghyun had sat down next to him.

“Hey, I don’t want to sound persistent, but uhm…You know I have to save money for university so I’m thankful for everyone who is interested in taking music lessons. There was a boy from middle school I taught piano for two years and I already took the money into account for paying the tuition when I finish high school, but he moved away this month…sooo his money is kind of missing in my calculation. I…Oh gosh, I sound like a beggar…,” Jonghyun laughed with a slight blush on his cheeks and hid his face behind one of his hands.

“I’m…I’m really not like that…Usually, I don’t come up to strangers, forcing myself on them, but I’m kind of desperate right now. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to join me for a trial lesson after school today if you’re still interested and feeling better. You could check if you get along with my way of teaching and so on…you know,” Jonghyun talked with big gestures; still a little, awkward smile on his lips.

Meanwhile, little Jonghyuns danced salsa in Kibum’s head. The blush on the older one’s cheeks was probably the cutest thing he had ever seen and the way Jonghyun talked made his head spin. If Jonghyun was a salesman on TV, selling rheumatism ointment, Kibum was sure he would buy the whole stock. Kibum didn’t even realize that he was staring at Jonghyun again, till the other one tilted his head with a smile.

“You’re not that talkative, are you?”

“Uh…uhm…I…I’m sorry.” Kibum blushed heavily, trying to hide his face behind his black bangs. “I…I… would really…like to try out this trial lesson,” he tried to overcome his shyness in front of Jonghyun, a tensed smile framing his lips.

“Really? Oh, that’s awesome,” Jonghyun exclaimed, biting his bottom lip with sparkling eyes. If Kibum had been alone in the world at this very moment he would have squealed in utter delight, because Jonghyun’s change of facial expressions every few seconds was absolutely adorable.

“You’ll find me from 4 PM on in the same room on the third floor as yesterday. I’m always there around this time,” Jonghyun smiled; this genuine and pretty smile that made Kibum weak in his knees. He already wanted to answer that he knew where he had to find Jonghyun if he wanted to, but he swallowed those words as he thought of how stalkerish they sounded.

“I’ll be there,” he answered quietly instead, looking up to Jonghyun who stood up again.

“Great. Then I’ll see you later,” the older one grinned, waving at Kibum before he turned around and left the younger one alone.

When Jonghyun was out of sight Kibum still sat at his table a bit confused, not really believing that he would meet up with the other one after school. Did he just really talk to Jonghyun? All his doubts had been for no reason? The sleepless night had been useless? With a sigh Kibum let his forehead sink onto the table in front of him. Adolescence and hormones were worse than war.

***

Kibum’s remaining school day was spent with rambling about Jonghyun’s sudden appearance at the school canteen in Jinki’s presence. The older boy patted Kibum’s shoulder from time to time when said one whined about his childish behavior around Jonghyun and tried to encourage him with some of his chicken stories, which left Kibum more desperate than before.

When the bell rung after his last class Kibum looked up frightened, clawing his fingernails into the fabric of his pants. It was 4 o’clock. Kibum gulped, trying to stay calm. He wanted to try to act as natural around Jonghyun as possible because he knew if he wanted to make this work he couldn’t continue to behave the way he had during his last encounters with the older one.

“I keep my fingers crossed for you. Just stay cool,” Jinki smiled, giving Kibum a thumbs up while he shouldered his bag and left the room with the younger one in tow.

“That’s easier said than done,” Kibum mumbled before he fixed his school uniform and took a deep breath. “He’s just a human,” he muttered over and over again and closed his eyes for a second to calm himself down.

“Now go upstairs before your courage leaves you again,” the older one prompted, giving Kibum a light push into the direction of the stairs.

“See you tomorrow,” he waved when Kibum placed his left foot on the first step and walked down the corridor to the exit. Kibum’s mind was blank while he climbed up the stairs, thinking about nothing at all. He heard his own heartbeat drumming in his ears, heard his own heavy breathing. Kibum licked his lips hastily and smoothed his uniform jacket before he knocked on the door to the music room on the third floor.

“Come in,” was the only remark he got as an answer. He opened the door hesitantly, revealing Jonghyun behind it. He sat on one of the many chairs; a black acoustic guitar in his lap. He looked up from the guitar with a smile, gesturing to Kibum to join him.

 

I didn’t get an answer yesterday. Do you like to learn guitar or do you prefer piano?” Jonghyun asked bluntly when Kibum took place on one of the chairs near – not too near – Jonghyun. The younger one already noticed that Jonghyun wasn’t someone who beat around the bush. He was pretty straight forward and Kibum liked that attitude.

Kibum considered his answer for a moment. He wanted to choose the instrument Jonghyun preferred but didn’t really know which one it was. On one hand Jonghyun always carried around his guitar, but on the other hand, even if he wanted to he couldn’t carry a piano around on his back. Kibum smiled at the thought.

“I guess it’s easier to stuff a guitar in my room than a piano,” he then answered with a wise nod, causing Jonghyun to laugh; a hand covering his mouth.

“That’s an interesting way of choosing an instrument. Usually, people choose after their interests,” Jonghyun teased, standing up from his place.

“Here.” With an encouraging smile, which made Kibum’s mouth watery, Jonghyun held his guitar towards the younger one. Hesitantly the younger one reached out for it, feeling like Moses himself had just given him the board with the 10 commandments on it.

“I don’t know how solid your theory knowledge is, but before you’ll be able to play you need to know some simple basics. I know it bores most people to no end, but it really helps to understand how a guitar actually works,” Jonghyun explained with a patience which probably just a kindergarten teacher had. Kibum simply nodded, getting goose bumps when Jonghyun took another chair and took place right next to him.

“Look, a normal guitar has 6 strings: E, A, D, G, B, E, to be exact. In combination with those frets you’re able to play every possible scale and chord,” Jonghyun stated, pointing with his fingers to the neck of the guitar. Kibum really tried to listen to the things Jonghyun talked about, but all he could concentrate on were those shiny, red lips, which moved with every word Jonghyun formed with them. His mind was already on the tramp again, imagining how those lips would taste and how the hard ground would feel under his back when Jonghyun would push him down on it.

“The sound is produced by the vibration of the strings and the body, which serves to transmit the vibration of the bridge into vibration of the air around it,” Jonghyun continued enthusiastically, being completely in his element and not noticing that Kibum’s gaze was fixed on his lips like they were something to eat.

“Sadly, acoustic guitars have a reputation for being typical bonfire instruments, but they are so much more. There are so many classical pieces that are made for guitar…and…,” Jonghyun stopped in the middle of his sentence when he caught Kibum staring at him…again.

“Do I have something in my face or why do you keep staring at me?” he asked, scanning his face with his hand to check if there were some crumbs left around his mouth from eating a cookie earlier.

Startled, Kibum’s eyes widened and he looked up from Jonghyun’s lips; mouth suddenly very dry.

“I…uhm…sorry. I was just fascinated by…”

“My mouth?” Jonghyun smiled, laughing when Kibum started to blush.

“Your name was Kim Kibum, right?” he then asked, fixing some strands of his hair. When Kibum nodded slowly, feeling like hiding under a blanket, Jonghyun patted his shoulder.

“I’m sorry to say that, but you’re pretty weird, Kim Kibum,” the older one noted with a grin.

“I know,” Kibum nodded with a sigh before he pushed the guitar back into Jonghyun’s arms and stood up. What did he think? Why did he come here in the first place? All his life Kibum had heard the word weird in combination with his name. Why should Jonghyun think something else of him; especially when he kept staring at his lips like a total retard?

“I guess it’s better if I leave. Well, thanks for your time,” Kibum mumbled, feeling his heart slowly shatter into small pieces. He was too dumb for his own good. Maybe dropping out of school was the best decision after all.

“Hey…why are you leaving? Don’t feel offended, because I called you weird. I’m a weirdo myself, so there’s nothing to worry about. Just a weirdo is allowed to call another weirdo weird, you know. Just sit down again and we start anew,” Jonghyun cat-called at Kibum when the younger one was already on his way to the door. Kibum stopped right away, raising an eyebrow in surprise. Did Jonghyun just call him back?

“What’s so weird about you? Until now I didn’t notice anything strange,” Kibum asked, eyes fixed on the ground.

Jonghyun started to laugh, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment.

“Well…Firstly, I always start to laugh in inappropriate situations. Secondly, I come up to strangers, begging them to join my music lessons. And thirdly, I guess it’s pretty weird for someone my age to prefer the presence of musical instruments over the presence of other people,” the older one explained. The honesty of Jonghyun surprised Kibum even more than the apparent flaws the older one had listed. In the end, the two of them maybe had more in common than Kibum had thought.

“I guess that counts as being weird,” Kibum nodded, a small smile appearing on his face. When he turned around to sit back in his chair again Jonghyun suddenly stood up, stretching out his hand with a smile.

“Hey, I’m Kim Jonghyun, class 12. I’m giving music lessons in piano and guitar. How can I help you?” he asked his genuine and pretty smile back on his lips.

“Nice to meet you, Kim Jonghyun. I’m Kim Kibum, class 10 and I would like to learn how to play the guitar,” Kibum answered with a shy smile, taking Jonghyun’s hand into his own, feeling how the little Jonghyuns in his head started to dance salsa again.

 

**Chapter 3**

 

It had been a week since the trial lesson Jonghyun had offered Kibum at the canteen, and the high school student still couldn’t quite believe that he had actually talked with Jonghyun and had gotten along with him really well after he had overcome his shyness around him.  
They had agreed on meeting up twice a week after school for the price of 9000 ₩ (almost 6€ or 8$) for one hour. Although Jonghyun’s price for one lesson was much cheaper compared to others it still made a total of 72000 ₩ per month, which was almost a month's worth of pocket money for Kibum. But he didn’t really care about money anyway, as long as he was able to spend time with the older one. Sometimes he felt like paying for a prostitute because in the end, Jonghyun did nothing else than a prostitute did. He satisfied Kibum’s needs…at least some of them.

In Kibum’s second lesson Jonghyun had brought along a second guitar, which he was allowed to take home for practice. Jonghyun had told him to take care of it, because it had been the first guitar he had paid for with his own money, thus it was very precious to him. Since that day Kibum had taken care of that old, used guitar like a mother lion would take care of her babies.

***

“Did you practice on the change from C-major to A-minor and back?” Jonghyun asked, unpacking his black guitar from its bag.

“Well…a bit,” Kibum confessed, biting his bottom lip anxiously. He really had tried to practice on those two chords, but his fingers hadn’t wanted to do the stuff he had wanted and he had become more and more frustrated with every wrong note he had played till he had put the guitar back into its bag.

“A bit?” Jonghyun laughed lowly, turning around in his chair with his guitar in hands, facing Kibum.

“When you are learning how to play the guitar, changing chords will be something you need to do all the time. I know it sucks at the beginning because your fingers don’t want to do the stuff you want to do and everything sounds awful and wrong, but only practice makes the best,” the older one encouraged, and Kibum was surprised how well Jonghyun had expressed his exact thoughts on changing chords.

“It’s just so…hopeless. I can’t even bend my fingers the way you do. The frets are too far apart and when I press my fingers on the strings, I also press down the other strings by accident. And when I try to strike the strings it really sounds awful,” Kibum explained his problems, pouting like a little girl that had been bullied by her older sibling.

“Well, …that’s totally normal. When I started to play the guitar I had the same problems, so don’t worry.”

“When did you learn how to play the guitar and piano?”

“I was 4 or 5 when I started with piano and I was seven when I got my first guitar,” the older one answered with a nod, which caused Kibum to be even more frustrated.

“Wow…That’s a long time. I’ve never learned how to play an instrument. Well, to be honest… I wasn’t even interested in learning how to play one,” the younger one murmured, glancing down at the guitar in his hands.

“What have you been interested in then?”

“I spent my childhood days with drawing,” Kibum said, thinking of his sketchbook and all the Jonghyun sketches.

“Oh, that’s also great. Sadly, my drawing talent is limited to drawing stickmen,” the older one grinned, causing Kibum to laugh.

***

“Jinki, seriously…I mean it. He’s the one,” Kibum babbled, sparkle in his eyes. He and Jinki sat at one of the tables in their school canteen, eating up their lunch.

“You’re repeating yourself, Kibum,” Jinki mumbled, taking a sip of his orange juice.

“I’m sorry, but he’s just so damn perfect. You have to see him play the guitar. How his fingers move around the neck is totally amazing. And he’s so unbelievably nice and patient…and…and his smile. His smile is brighter than the sunshine,” Kibum raved about Jonghyun, smiling like a little fangirl who had just met her favorite idol.

“Getting poetic, aren’t we? His smile is brighter than the sunshine? Sounds like an entry from a girl’s diary,” Jinki laughed, hiding his mouth behind one hand. He squeaked when an empty orange juice package hit his forehead shortly after, landing next to him on the ground.

“That hurt!”

“You’ve deserved it,” was all that Jinki got as an answer. Without a further complaint, he leaned forward to gather up the package from the ground, putting it back on Kibum’s side of the table.

“Does this love at least have a future? I mean are you getting vibes from him?” Jinki then wanted to know, stirring up his dessert with a spoon.

“Vibes?”

“I mean…do you know by now if he’s into girls or into boys?” the older one explained, taking a nibble from his vanilla pudding.

“Oh…no, I get nothing. Sometimes I think he’s like the most innocent thing I’ve ever met and then again, especially when he licks his lips in concentration…then it’s like SEX is written in capital letters all over his forehead,” Kibum explained with visualizing gestures, twisting his mouth into a little pout.

“Mmmhh…I see,” Jinki nodded, eating another spoonful of pudding. “Maybe you should meet up with him outside of school. Perhaps he acts differently when he’s not around his precious guitar,” the older one suggested with a serious face, waging the spoon in his hand. Kibum’s eyes widened immediately and with a shocked face, he shook his head, holding up his hands in defense.

“It’s way too early for that. I’m already happy that I’m not brain-dead around him anymore. Meeting up with him outside of school is like…a huuuge step,” Kibum prattled hastily, still shaking his head.

“How long do you want to wait then? Eat the chicken as long as it’s still hot.”

Kibum rolled his eyes at the chicken metaphor, feeling a little sting in his chest. After all, Jinki was right. He couldn’t wait forever. If he did, Jonghyun was long gone before Kibum had the courage to actually ask him out. If he wasn’t such a chicken everything would be much easier.

“Are you scared that he will reject you?”

After a short nod on Kibum’s side, Jinki leaned forward and patted his head.

“You’re always telling me how nice he is. I’m sure that he doesn’t say no. It’s nothing more than asking a friend out to do something outside of school. Simple as that,” the older one grinned, clapping his hands together.

With a sigh Kibum let his head sink on the table, a displeased whimper escaping his lips. On TV dating looked always simple. Boy falls in love with girl, girl falls in love with boy and both live happily ever after. Why couldn’t he be like other boys and fall in love with one of the plain girls at their school? Why did it have to be a boy…why did it have to be Jonghyun?

***

It took Kibum another 3 weeks and 6 guitar lessons to be brave enough to ask Jonghyun out to do something together after class. He had planned everything out in detail, had reconsidered every possible reaction from Jonghyun. He had spent his nights with drawing and his days with daydreaming, planning and practicing on the things Jonghyun had taught him in his guitar lesson. He wanted Jonghyun to like him, wanted Jonghyun to see more in him than just one of his students. It sounded childish, but Kibum wanted to be part of Jonghyun’s life.

***

It was the 10th time in a row that Kibum played the wrong chord, his hands shaking from nervousness. It was a simple song they practiced on, a song Kibum had practiced on at home for hours and was able to play without difficulty. But thinking of the moment Kibum wanted Jonghyun to ask out made the high school student anxious. He wanted to get it over with, couldn’t wait any longer.

“Is everything okay, Kibum?” Jonghyun asked, a worried look on his face.

Kibum didn’t exactly know what came over him when he turned to face Jonghyun the next second and threw all detailed plans he had made over the past few weeks overboard. Maybe it was his teenage body that wasn’t in total control of the things he thought or the deep craving to get closer to Jonghyun, he wasn’t sure.

“Go out with me,” Kibum sputtered, not certain if it was even his voice that echoed in his eardrums. He bit his lips nervously, feeling his fingertips tremble. Maybe that had been a bit harsh, to begin with. Jonghyun raised his eyebrows in surprise, taken aback by the sudden demand.

“Are you asking me out on a date?” he then asked bewildered, ruffling his blackish hair.

Silence.

“Well…kind of…I wouldn’t…well…don’t…don’t call it…I mean…not …not a date…more like…uhm.” Kibum fell silent again, feeling his face heat up. This conversation didn’t go the way he had planned it.

“Uhm…okay. Is it more like…Hey Jonghyun, let’s hang around together outside of school…this kind of thing?” Jonghyun gestured with his hands, a tiny smile appearing on his lips.

“Yeah?” Kibum’s hesitating statement sounded more like a question, which made the older one laugh lowly.

“Sure thing. Why not. What about Saturday?” Jonghyun grinned, looking expectantly at the younger one who couldn’t believe his luck. Was it this easy to meet up with him after school? So he had driven himself crazy again without a reason? With a sigh he massaged the back of his neck awkwardly, giving Jonghyun a short nod.

“Great. Let’s meet up at the underground station of Samgakji in the afternoon. We could go to the mall or to the river there if you want,” Jonghyun suggested, looking more excited about an encounter than Kibum seemed to be. Another short nod followed. If there had been a wall right next to Kibum he would have smashed his head against it. He had a 'date' with Jonghyun…with fucking Kim Jonghyun and all he did was nod his approval to something he had suggested in the first place.

“Shall we continue with the lesson then?” Jonghyun smiled, a smile that reached till his eyes and turned them into slits. The older one stroked a chord, waiting for another approving nod before he asked Kibum to start the song he had practiced on from the beginning.

***

Kibum checked his reflection for the hundredth time in the windows of the subway, which brought him to the station at which he wanted to meet up with Jonghyun. He had spent the whole morning with choosing clothes, showering and doing his hair. He even had cut it a bit. He looked himself up and down, smoothing the plain red T-shirt he wore. He had wanted to wear something nice and pretty but had decided against it in the end. He would just meet up with Jonghyun as friends after all. A simple sleeveless red T-shirt with some black lettering on it, a pair of blue worn out skinny jeans and white sneakers had to do the trick. With an unhealthy fast heartbeat, he exited the metro at Samgakji, smoothing his shirt for one last time before taking a deep breath and looking for the small frame that belonged to Jonghyun. He discovered him right away and felt how his knees got weak.

Jonghyun looked absolutely stunning, wearing a light blue chequered short-sleeved shirt, dark blue skinny jeans, and black sneakers. He stood in front of a shopping window, looking like he was about to fix his black bangs. Kibum bit his bottom lip, pushing his hands deep into his pockets before he went up to Jonghyun, greeting him with a simple, ‘Hi’.

“Oh hay,” Jonghyun smiled, removing a pair of white earplugs from his ears. Kibum felt how Jonghyun’s gaze drifted over his body for a short moment, checking him out while he wrapped the cord of the earplugs around his iPod and stuffed the player back into his jeans pocket.

“Did you wait for long?” Kibum asked, hands still deep into his jeans’ pockets. It was quite awkward to face Jonghyun without his guitar and outside of school.

“Nah, not really,” the older one denied before glancing at the exit of the subway station.

“Let’s get going,” he suggested with a smile, waiting for Kibum to come along. Said one hurried up immediately, quickening his pace to follow Jonghyun. Both went to the exit in silence, not really sure what they could talk about.

When they met up for Kibum’s guitar lessons they always had a reason to communicate with each other, but meeting up just for fun was something new and Kibum still couldn’t believe that he would spend his Saturday with his nightly fantasy.

“Where do you want to go?” Jonghyun asked when they had reached the exit.

“No idea, you wanted to meet up in Samgakji,” Kibum shrugged, checking out the huge junction in front of them. It was crammed with cars and many drivers blew a horn, because the traffic didn’t move on.

“We could go to the Han river and buy some ice cream or rice cakes on the way,” Jonghyun smiled, pointing to the south.

“Sure,” Kibum nodded, following Jonghyun without hesitation. He would go to the end of the world with him if he asked him to.

“Why are you so silent?” Jonghyun asked when they crossed the street, looking at the younger one who tried his best not to stare at the older one again. It was harder than usual, because Jonghyun looked so perfect in casual clothes.

“I don’t know. It’s pretty warm today,” Kibum answered, fanning himself. It was a lame excuse. He knew it and Jonghyun knew it, but instead of giving a teasing remark the older one just smiled.

“You are not originally from Seoul, are you?” Jonghyun asked after a while and Kibum could literally feel that the older one was at least as uncomfortable with the whole situation as he was. Maybe meeting up with him hadn't been such a good idea after all.

“No, I’m from a small village near Hwacheon. That’s in the north, 3 hours away from Seoul I guess,” he answered, thinking about how much time it had taken for him and his mum to come to Seoul by car.

“I see. Why did you come to Seoul?”

“I was bullied at school and my mum couldn’t see her son suffer any longer. The teachers didn’t care so she decided to come to Seoul with me,” Kibum explained indifferently like it was the most normal thing on earth to be bullied at school.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Jonghyun replied, sending Kibum a concerned look. The younger one just shrugged it off, not wanting to think of his past again. He lived in Seoul now and he liked it there.

“It’s okay. It’s nicer in Seoul. The countryside is too boring for people like me anyway,” Kibum smiled, watching the cars pass by on the streets.

“For people like you?”

“Yeah, for weirdos like me!” Kibum grinned, causing Jonghyun to laugh.

***

It took them over 40 minutes to get to the river and walking through the blanket of smog that surrounded Seoul wasn’t really good for Kibum’s condition. He felt hot and sweaty and just wanted to sit down and stick his legs into the cool water of the Han river. The younger one didn’t even understand why they had walked the whole way in the first place. There were busses and metros that drove to the river, which they could have used easily. But he didn’t want to complain. It had been nice to walk by Jonghyun’s side, hearing random stories about stores and buildings they had passed on their way. They even had taken some mobile phone pictures together in front of a dragon statue - a huge metal construction - at the junction in Itaewon.

A fresh breeze blew gently at the river, cooling Kibum’s overheated body down a bit. With a smile on his face, he walked down the steps to the riverside, taking off his shoes immediately to take a step into the water. The cool water felt amazingly good around his ankles and Kibum even forgot about Jonghyun’s presence for a second when he enjoyed the pleasure of such a simple thing like water. He closed his eyes, hearing the seagulls screech above his head and the splash of water against the banks.

“Enjoying yourself?” A soft voice whispered amusingly behind him after a while, bringing Kibum back to reality. With a soft blush on his cheeks, he turned around, seeing Jonghyun sitting with his legs pulled up to his chest at the riverbank, two packages with melon ice cream in his hands.

“Here, for you,” he smiled, giving one of the green packages to Kibum who tilted his head in surprise.

“Uhm…thank you,” he whispered sheepishly and took the green package with a slight bow before he sat down next to Jonghyun.

“I thought it would be nice to get some ice cream bars while you were standing in the water, ignoring my presence,” Jonghyun grinned, squinting against the sun.

“I’m sorry,” Kibum apologized, lowering his head to hide his embarrassment.

“It’s fine. It was nice watching you,” he smirked stupidly, ripping the package off the ice cream bar to take the first lick. “You should eat yours too, otherwise it’s going to melt inside the wrapping,” Jonghyun added, licking his ice with pure enjoyment while Kibum stared at his jeans. Did he just say that it was nice watching him? Dumbfounded, Kibum followed Jonghyun’s advice and unpacked the ice cream, sighing happily at the extremely sweet taste it had.

“It’s good, isn’t it? I’m the biggest fan of melon ice cream ever since I was a kid,” Jonghyun confessed jokingly, taking another lick. Kibum didn’t even dare to look at the older one while he licked his ice, too high were the chances that he couldn’t stop staring at his lips.

“Yeah, it’s extremely sweet. I love it,” he agreed, looking at the blue river in front of them.

They sat next to each other in silence, enjoying the ice, the sun and the fresh breeze that came from the river. It had been a long time since Kibum had felt so at ease as he did there at the Han river next to Jonghyun. It seemed so perfect that Kibum didn’t want the peace he felt in his heart to go away again. He sank back to the ground after finishing his ice, watching the small, white, puffy clouds slowly passing by on the horizon.

“Hey Kibum,” Jonghyun said after a while, sinking down next to the younger one onto the ground.

“Mmhh?” He glanced at Jonghyun, loving the way the sunshine lighted the older one’s hair.

“You like boys, don’t you?” he asked calmly, staring up at the sky. Kibum’s heartbeat froze for a second and he wasn’t even sure if he still breathed when he looked at Jonghyun with wide eyes. Where? How? Why? Kibum felt like he was going to faint any minute and didn’t know how he should react to Jonghyun’s directness. Should he laugh it off? Be honest? Be angry? He was speechless.

“So, I guess I’m right then. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” Jonghyun smiled friendly when Kibum didn’t react, stretching out his arms and folding them behind his head.

“How?” was the only thing Kibum was able to mutter, mouth hanging open. Was that a dream or a nightmare? Kibum sat up, looking down at Jonghyun who still smiled like asking someone if he was gay was like asking someone what time it was.

“I just got the feeling over the past few weeks that your staring had nothing to do with my excellent guitar play. I was just curious, you know,” he explained, looking up at Kibum with big, puppy-like eyes. Kibum knew that his staring would attract attention sooner or later, because he still had a hard time controlling it, but to be exposed by Jonghyun like this felt extremely awful. He pressed his lips together into a thin line, clenching his hands into fists. There was no way he could escape this situation without feeling even more embarrassed in front of the other so he just stayed the way he was, suppressing the tears that wanted to slip out, lowering his head with a sigh.

“There’s no need to sigh. Seriously, I’m not one of those people who think that loving someone of the same sex is abnormal or anything obscure like that. You know, in the end, you fall in love with the person who makes you smile and not with a person who the state wants you to love,” Jonghyun assured serenely, stretching out one of his hands to pat Kibum’s knee.  
The younger one’s lower lip trembled and he had a hard time holding his tears. Jonghyun was just 18 and yet he talked like a wise, old man. For the split of a second Kibum looked down at Jonghyun’s hand that lay on his knee, enjoying the tingling it caused in this area. At this moment he didn’t even care if he ever had a chance with Jonghyun because he was already happy that the older one didn’t despise him for not loving women in a way the majority of men appeared to do.

“Thank you,” he whispered, moved. A simple ‘thank you’ didn’t really express his feelings and thoughts, but he was sure that Jonghyun understood him anyway.

“And what about you?” Kibum then asked lowly, nervously playing with a little hole in his jeans. There was nothing to lose.

Jonghyun thought about the answer for a while before he turned to his side, head leaning on his hand.

“I can’t say that I don’t like you, but…” Jonghyun laughed quietly, lowering his gaze with a smile. “But I can’t really define my feelings yet. I’m not…you know. I’m not that easy when it comes to expressing my feelings towards my fellow people,” he tried to explain with his free hand, chuckling nervously. “I don’t know you well enough yet, but what I know is that you’re really pretty,” the older one grinned, letting himself fall back onto the ground with closed eyes.

 

**Chapter 4**

 

With mouth agape Kibum stared down at Jonghyun, having dozens of different thoughts on his mind. He dreamed, didn’t he? That wasn’t real, that couldn’t be real. It was way too easy. Kibum pinched himself hard, wincing and swearing under his breath as pain shot through his arm.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked suddenly, frowning. He had to be kidding.

“Nope! Why so shocked?” Jonghyun responded quietly, glancing at Kibum before closing his eyes again with a little grin. A huff left Kibum’s lips before he started to laugh. That was crazy. That wasn’t real.

“I…you…you don’t know…since…I first saw you…I…don’t get it. Why…why didn’t you…I mean you never seemed to…That’s it…I just lost my mind. That’s it! That’s not real and it’s not a dream, isn’t it? I just went insane due to heartache and rejection,” Kibum exclaimed, jumping up and holding both his hands next to his face with wide eyes.

“Wow…you are really a weirdo, Kim Kibum,” Jonghyun laughed, reaching out with one arm to grab Kibum’s leg.

“Look, as I mentioned earlier I prefer the presence of instruments over the presence of other people, because I’m not good at dealing with things on a personal level... especially when it comes to love and this shit. I’m too direct, ask too many questions, and make my opposite feel quite uncomfortable most of the time. I’m sorry if you feel knocked out, because I’m so straight forward, but that’s not a reason to go insane, you know. So, please sit down again,” Jonghyun stated casually, pulling a bit on Kibum’s leg. When the other one looked down at him, Jonghyun smiled, patting the place next to him. Feeling a bit embarrassed by his sudden, uncontrolled outburst Kibum followed Jonghyun’s advice and sat down again, still not sure if this was reality or a surreal dream.

“Can…can we repeat this conversation again… and I try not to make a total fool out of myself?” Kibum asked then, feeling his cheeks heat up. He wasn’t in control of his emotions, couldn’t believe that Jonghyun really said that he was pretty and that there might be a chance in the future to be more than friends with him. He had dreamed of this for months and now it felt too good to be true. The blood rushed through his veins and his head spun violently.

“It’s alright. No need to worry about anything. Just relax, will you?” Jonghyun pleaded softly, eyes closed again. That was easier said than done, Kibum thought, inhaling a gulp of air. He heard his own heartbeat when he lay down next Jonghyun again, eyes closed to make up his mind.

“Okay, don’t you think it’s about time to get to know each other better?” Kibum heard the other one say next to him, feeling how the older moved a bit closer. Kibum swallowed hard, not able to suppress the pictures that this sentence unleashed in his mind. Get to know each other better? With this sentence, most of his wet dreams started.

“I tell you a secret or a bad habit of mine and then you will tell me one of yours,” Jonghyun explained and Kibum felt how the older one inched even closer, his arm brushing against Jonghyun’s. His breath faltered for a moment, sensing warm, soft skin leaning against him.

“Okay,” he agreed simply, not moving away from the touch. It was just some touching of upper arms, but Kibum enjoyed it nonetheless.

“Mmhh, where should I begin? ... I’m afraid of clowns,” Jonghyun started with a low laugh, making his arm vibrate against Kibum’s.

“That’s pretty lame,” Kibum replied with a grin, thinking about his own secrets. “I always have to check things for several times. For example, if the switches on our oven are off, even if I didn’t use it,” he then said, hearing an agreeing sound from the other one.

“I don’t like crammed rooms. I feel caged in them. I like simple furnishing. My bedroom consists just of my bed, my guitars, my stereo, a table with a chair and a shelf. No decoration or anything like that.”

“Wow…That’s almost like being in jail. My bedroom is full of stuff I don’t need, but I think it’s pretty and I can’t throw anything away,” Kibum laughed, slowly relaxing next to the older one. Maybe it was a good idea to talk about flaws because it made Jonghyun less perfect and more human. But maybe his little imperfections were the reason for him being so perfect in Kibum’s eyes.

“I should visit you to see that mess in your room with my own eyes,” Jonghyun beamed, making Kibum blush slightly.

“Yeah, maybe you should,” he answered cautiously, licking his lips nervously. Jonghyun in his bedroom sounded pretty tempting.

“I like porn,” was the next thing Jonghyun said, making Kibum laugh.

“That’s neither a bad habit nor a secret. Every boy likes porn,” the younger pointed out, poking Jonghyun with his elbow.

“Oh, is that so? I didn’t know,” the older boy grinned mischievously, turning his head to look at the boy who was next to him.

“I let this answer count if you get more detailed about it,” Kibum smiled triumphantly, crossing his arms over his chest. With closed eyes, it was much easier to talk about more intimate things.

Jonghyun started to laugh, letting his eyes wander over the amused face of the other.

“Well, I like to watch kinky stuff. Fat, old, hairy women getting spanked and tied up, you know,” Jonghyun tried to sound as serious as possible but started to laugh when Kibum’s eyes opened wide and a disgusted ‘ewww’ left his lips.

“You’re gross, weirdo.” Kibum crossed his forefingers over each other, inching away from the older one who held his stomach from laughter.

“Just kidding…just kidding. Your face is priceless,” he smirked, wiping away some tears from the corner of his eyes and hiding behind his arms when Kibum tried to punch him.

“That’s what you’re saying now, Mr. Kink,” Kibum said deprecatingly, pointing at Jonghyun with a pout.

“Seriously, I’m not like that,” Jonghyun tried to maintain his innocence, holding up his arms in defense. “I’m pretty boring when it comes to porn. Anything will do as long as the vocals are nice,” he explained, lowering his arms again when Kibum raised an eyebrow suspiciously.

“So you like loud people?”

“Nah, not necessarily loud. I just like it when I hear that the actors in the videos are really enjoying themselves. That makes me feel good, too,” Jonghyun smiled, rubbing his eyes like a kid who was tired. Kibum nodded, laying down again. Jonghyun was a musician after all. Of course, the vocals had to be good, even if it was just porn they were talking about.

“And what about you?”

“I like romantic settings and porn with plot. First, they fight and afterwards they have good makeup sex,” Kibum grinned to himself, thinking of the last Japanese porn he had watched. He always pictured him and Jonghyun in place of those actors, which made watching the adult movies way more interesting.

“Sure you’re not a girl?” the older one teased light-heartedly, chuckling when he noticed the glare Kibum sent him.

“Want to check?” Kibum hissed, offended. But his hiss died down immediately and was replaced by a blush when he saw the intense look Jonghyun was giving him as a response. Mentally he wrote a memo to himself. It contained the sentence ‘first think then speak’ in capital letters.

“Maybe another time,” Jonghyun grinned slyly, making something twitch in the lower areas of Kibum’s body. He flirted with him, didn’t he? Kim Jonghyun flirted with him? Kibum bit his bottom lip hard to distract himself from the intense tingling in his groin, clenching his left fist and closing his eyes again. He felt how the other got up next to him but didn’t really care till he felt water drops falling down on his face.

“What the…,” with an annoyed sound Kibum wiped away the water from his face, opening his eyes to see Jonghyun standing above him, grinning at him like a little child.

“I thought some water would do you good,” Jonghyun cackled, opening his hand to let even more water fall onto Kibum’s face who squealed in shock, rolling away from the invader.

“Stop that!” he protested, jumping to his feet and stroking wet hair out of his face.

“Then try to stop me,” Jonghyun exclaimed, leaning down to the river bank to splash even more water onto the younger one who helplessly tried to protect himself with his hands.

“You’re playing unfair!” he snorted, hopping to the water to take vengeance.

***

It was already dusk when they set off to go to the metro station again. With wet clothes and short of breath they wandered through the streets, buying something to drink on their way. They were high on endorphins, giggling and telling stupid jokes. Kibum couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed that much. Even Jonghyun’s lame remark about a group of girls who had passed them and had checked them out had made him laugh.

Kibum was sure he looked awful with his wet hair that stood in different directions and his face flushed from all the giggling, but still, he felt absolutely amazing. He knew he would go home with the knowledge of having gained a new friend, someone he could crack jokes and talk seriously with.

His heart sank as they reached the metro, knowing that their ways would part in a few minutes.

“Hey Kibum,” Jonghyun asked suddenly, leaning closer to the younger one as they entered the metro station, fumbling with his mobile phone. When he turned his head to look at Jonghyun, said one grinned, handing him his phone.

“Give me your phone number,” he simply said without further explanation, causing Kibum to grin happily. He wanted his phone number.

“But then I get yours too,” Kibum responded confidently, getting his own phone out of his pocket, pressing it into Jonghyun’s hand. Both immediately stopped walking and looked down at the other's mobile phone in concentration, ignoring the annoyed people who needed to get around them on their way to the metro.

“Under which name should I save my number,” Jonghyun asked, typing in his number.

“I guess Mr. Kink suits you just fine,” Kibum giggled quietly, saving his own number under ♫ Kim Kibum ♥ on Jonghyun’s mobile phone so it would always appear as the first name in Jonghyun’s phone list.

“Okay, Mr. Kink it is, then,” the older one smirked, saving his number and exchanging phones with Kibum again.

“I need to get to line 6 towards Bonghwasan,” Jonghyun announced with a sad face when they arrived at the platform, which led to the different metro lines.

“Need to get to line 4 towards Danggogae,” Kibum sighed, pointing to the digital display behind him that showed the arrival of his metro in 3 minutes.

“Then we see each other on Monday for another guitar lesson I guess,” Jonghyun smiled sorrowfully, bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“I guess,” Kibum agreed, not really sure how to say goodbye. He didn’t know what exactly happened when Jonghyun knocked the breath out of him by wrapping his arms around him out of nowhere, making Kibum blush heavily. It wasn’t usual to show this kind of affection towards someone else in public and with anxious eyes Kibum looked around to make sure that no one was watching them before he was able to respond the hug with a reassured smile, closing his eyes for a moment. Jonghyun still smelled like a candy store, mixed with the smell of fresh sweat and the scent of the sea.

“The day with you was great,” he heard the older one whisper into his ear, getting goose bumps from the sound of his low voice. Shortly after, Jonghyun loosened his grip on Kibum again, giving him one last smile before letting go of him completely.

“You should go, otherwise you’ll miss your metro. Send me a message when you’re at home,” Jonghyun winked, smoothing his shirt with both hands.

“I will, promise. I had a great time, thank you for everything,” Kibum thanked with a genuine smile, bowing slightly in front of the other before waving him goodbye.

***

The following night Kibum couldn’t hold his hands still. He had sent Jonghyun a message as soon as he had entered his bedroom, writing him that he had arrived at home safely and that he wished him a good night. The reply he got was simple and yet so effective:

_“G’night to you, too! Sweet dreams ; )_  
_Mr. Kink keke”_

Just thinking back on the past hours made his groin twitch and the sweet dreams part of Jonghyun’s message did the rest for him. That night he experienced the most intense orgasm he had so far in his young life and he still breathed erratically half an hour later, his eyes glazed and face flushed from ecstasy.

He drew another sketch of Jonghyun afterwards. The drawing showed Jonghyun lying at the Han river, arms folded under his head. He still couldn’t believe how the day had turned out. All the emotions he had to go through in such a short amount of time, from being awkward and uncomfortable in the beginning too embarrassed and shocked when Jonghyun had talked so openly in front of him. Kibum looked at the sketch with an adoring smile, hearing the older one’s laugh in his ears. Now he was happy, utterly and completely happy with the way his 'date' had turned out. With a sigh Kibum fell back on his bed, holding the sketch above his head.

“I love you, Kim Jonghyun. I love you, I really do,” he whispered quietly, legs wriggling on the mattress. He threw one last glance at the picture before he closed his sketchbook and stuffed it back into his nightstand. He folded his arms under his head, staring holes into the ceiling. Jonghyun had really called him pretty. A small smile appeared on his lips. Pretty…wasn’t it more a word describing the look of a girl? Kibum knew that he looked rather feminine compared to other boys his age, but he had never been called pretty before.

“Pretty…P-R-E-T-T-Y…He really called me pretty,” he said to himself, stretching the word, tilting his head a bit and deciding that he didn’t really mind to be called pretty by someone like Jonghyun. After all pretty was a word of praise, a word to compliment someone else. Kibum smiled confidently.

“I’m pretty.”

***

“He knows that you like boys and that you like him?” Jinki asked in surprise, unpacking his pencil case to put it on his table. It was Monday morning and Kibum and his friend waited for the first class of the week to start.

“Yeah, kind of. He was pretty direct, but things got easier after we talked about it. He has such an awesome personality. You know, at first, I was totally speechless and shocked when he asked me if I liked boys, but now I’m happy that he knows it because it makes me more hopeful,” Kibum smiled, doodling a little, chubby Jonghyun cartoon into his pad.

“So, does he also like boys?” the older one assumed, watching Kibum draw.

“He said that you fall in love with a person and not with a sex, so I guess he’s not committed to one gender.”

“But does he like you?”

Kibum nodded, a big smile on his face. “Kind of…he called me pretty.”

Jinki raised his eyebrows in surprise, looking at the smiling face of Kibum.

“Wow…but…are you together now?”

“Nah, that would be pretty fast, wouldn’t it? He wants to know me better first, which is totally fine with me. I’m already on cloud 9 because I had such an awesome time with him on Saturday,” the younger one explained like the lovestruck teenager he was. Of course, Kibum already thought about things he could do with Jonghyun as soon as they were together, including lots of stuff he knew just from watching a good amount of adult movies, but this part Jinki didn’t really need to know.

“I see. He really seems to be a nice guy,” Jinki nodded in approval, smiling down at the little cartoon the younger one had finished.

“Nice is an understatement. Perfect, Jinki, he’s perfect,” Kibum pointed out, closing his notebook when the teacher entered the class.

***

“Hey, I’ve already waited for you.”

That was a greeting Kibum knew just from old American TV shows in which the husband came back home and was welcomed by his caring wife. The thought made the high school student smile and with light-footed steps he wandered towards Jonghyun, settling down on the chair next to the older one.

“Missed me?” he grinned utterly enthusiastic, tilting his head and fluttering his long eyelashes. In retrospect, the talk they had had on Saturday had affected Kibum’s self-confidence in a good way. He knew what Jonghyun thought of him, which made it easier to relax around the older one. There were still little Jonghyuns in his head who danced, but they had changed their rhythm to a slower rumba.

“Being self-opinionated today, aren’t we?” Jonghyun smirked, laughing when the younger one stuck his tongue out at him. He mimicked the action with a cheeky grin but stopped it when he saw how Kibum blushed.

“Had a nice Sunday?” he asked then, trying not to provoke the other one more than necessary.

“Yeah, I guess you could call it a nice Sunday. Slept till noon, wrote assignments for my English and history classes, drew a lot and practiced the song you’ve taught me last week, but I still have troubles with the picking part in the beginning. It’s just so difficult,” Kibum complained and sighed in frustration as he unpacked the brown guitar Jonghyun had given him weeks ago. To his own amazement, he had really started to enjoy the guitar playing. He liked how he was slowly able to produce sounds and form melodies with just his hands.

“Ah…I already thought you would have difficulties with playing it. Actually, picking is pretty hard for beginners, but I thought I would at least let you try it,” Jonghyun smiled knowingly. “Play it to me. Maybe I can help you out,” he then suggested, sending the younger one an encouraging grin before looking down at Kibum’s hands that slowly and insecurely started to play the taught musical piece.

Kibum started the song several times, swearing under his breath when he picked the wrong tone and the sound came out false and flat. With a discouraged sigh, he gave up after quite a few tries, looking up at Jonghyun with a pout. “I’m hopeless,” he murmured, slouching his shoulders.

“Nah, no need to get depressed, let me help you,” the older one suggested and stood up, putting his guitar aside and walking behind Kibum.

“You don’t bend your fingers enough. Put your fingers on G major,” the older one asked, bending over Kibum’s shoulder to follow his fingers. Jonghyun’s sudden closeness made the younger one nervous. He could smell the typical candy store scent that lingered around Jonghyun and it almost felt like he could feel the older one’s breath on his neck. This made it even harder to concentrate, but Kibum tried his best and put his fingers on the requested chord.

“Mmh…the placement of your thumb on the back of the neck is way too high, that makes it more difficult to bend your fingers and your fingers are too far away from the frets.” With these words Jonghyun’s fingers were suddenly around Kibum’s, guiding them carefully to the right places. Kibum’s heart missed a beat at the sudden touch. He bit his bottom lip to suppress his excitement as Jonghyun stroked his knuckles, feeling something tingle violently in his abdomen.

“Now try to pick the tones,” Jonghyun pleaded and smiled triumphantly when the sounds of the guitar sounded much better than before. “See, it’s not that hard. Just make sure that your fingers press the strings correctly and nothing can go wrong,” he then added, patting Kibum’s shoulder before sitting down on his chair again.

For the rest of the remaining hour, they continued to practice on Kibum’s picking and more than once the younger thought that Jonghyun’s help with the right finger placement on the guitar had more to do with the fact that he wanted them to become closer than that he wanted Kibum to play the correct tunes.

“Hay Kibum,” Jonghyun stated when they both wrapped up their guitars after class.

The younger one didn’t look up when Jonghyun spoke to him because he was busy with zipping up the guitar bag. He just made an acknowledging sound, showing the older one that he was listening.

“The girl who takes piano lessons after you canceled last night because she has the flu, so I have nothing to do. Well, I thought we could hang around together. I mean if you want to,” Jonghyun explained, checking Kibum’s reaction cautiously from the corner of his eye. Kibum smiled to himself. Jackpot!

“Sure, why not,” he tried to answer as calm as possible, forcing back the urge to jump around like a maniac. Jonghyun had asked him of his own accord to spend some time with him. Back at home, he would draw a heart around this date in his calendar.

 

**Chapter 5**

 

“Where do you like to go?” Jonghyun asked when they exited the school, turning his head to look at the other.

“No idea, suggest something,” Kibum responded, squinting against the sun as they walked along the school ground, trying to fix the hold of the guitar bag on his back. Actually, the younger one still had a lot to do for school, but he didn’t have the heart to say ‘no’ to Jonghyun. He was way too happy to refuse anything the other offered him. He definitely prioritized Jonghyun over stupid assignments, maths formulas, English and Chinese vocabulary. It was a pretty naïve attitude, but Kibum couldn’t help it.

“Let’s go to the playground.”

“The playground?” Kibum raised his eyebrows in disbelief and sighed as Jonghyun nodded with a bright smile, his eyes looking at him in the most innocent way. Didn’t they just talk about porn the other day? Kibum was sure that Jonghyun’s puppy-like eyes had already saved him from lots of trouble in his life.

“Yeah, I love the swings and the monkey bars…oh, and of course the sliding board,” the older one told him excitedly, showing this childish smile that made Kibum always think that Jonghyun was still a Kindergartner and not a senior in his last year of school. He didn’t protest when Jonghyun pursued the way to the playground, which was located right next to the school grounds. The older one harshly tossed his school bag onto a bench near the monkey bars and took off his guitar bag as soon as they entered the place. Without even taking off his jacket he walked to the monkey bars and climbed skilfully up the wooden frame before hanging himself upside down on his legs on one of the metal bars. He really looked like a monkey, Kibum thought as he watched Jonghyun from a safe distance, head getting red from the blood that flooded into it, tie dangling in front of his face. He looked ridiculous, but that didn’t change the fact that the whole scenario made Kibum smile.

“Hay…maybe you should have taken off your school uniform and your tie first before mutating into a monkey,” the younger one hallooed, amused, and came up to the monkey bars, leaning against the framework, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Jonghyun answered, constrained, supporting himself with his hands and rolling over the metal bar to get down onto the ground again. His face was flushed and his hair looked messy, but he had that stupid grin on his face which made Kibum think whether Jonghyun looked the same way after having sex. But before the high school student could drown any further into his fantasies about Jonghyun, said one took off his jacket and unfastened his tie, opening the first two buttons of his white shirt. Kibum immediately noticed a little mole becoming visible between Jonghyun's collarbones, being mesmerized by it for a second before the other’s voice brought him back to reality.

“You should take off your jacket too if you want to join me,” Jonghyun grinned, throwing his jacket and tie on the bench.

“I’m not really into climbing. I'll just sit down on the bench and watch,” Kibum suggested, blushing when he saw the pout on Jonghyun’s lips.

“But that’s no fun. What about the swings? Everybody loves to swing,” the older one then said euphorically, pointing to the construction a few feet away from them. When Kibum nodded the bright smile on Jonghyun’s lips returned and Kibum felt himself be pulled to the swings by the other’s hand. He didn’t even try to suppress the tingling in his hand as the other's fingers touched his skin.

As they sat down on the swings Jonghyun grinned at him, pushing himself off from the ground with his feet.

“Hay Kibum…can I ask you something?”

Kibum started to laugh lowly.

“What?” Jonghyun asked confused, turning his head to look at the younger one.

“The last time you said something along the lines of ‘Hay Kibum, can I ask you something’ it ended pretty embarrassingly for me,” he said, seesawing slowly. Jonghyun laughed at that, the happy honest laugh Kibum liked so much.

“That’s true, and to be honest it takes the same direction,” Jonghyun then said, pushing himself off harder from the ground. Kibum bit his bottom lip, seeing the older one up in the air. It couldn’t be much worse than the ‘Do you like boys’ question, could it?

“Okay, go on,” he said, watching Jonghyun slowing down out of the corner of his eye.

“Do you have any experiences with boys? I mean did you ever have a boyfriend?” he asked, coming to a complete halt. Kibum felt his cheeks heat up and he lowered his head before he shook it.

“No,” he confessed honestly, avoiding any kind of eye contact. His grip on the metal chains tightened a bit and he stared down at the ground, hearing his heartbeat drum in his ears.

“And what about girls? Do you have any experiences with those?” Jonghyun then asked, turning his head to face the younger one.

“No, no experiences with girls either,” Kibum answered calmly, kicking away some pebbles with the tip of his shoes. He knew that Jonghyun wouldn’t judge him, but still, he felt uncomfortable. Normal boys his age usually had experimented around a lot with the opposite sex, but he had never been interested in even trying.

“You didn’t miss anything,” the older one grinned, pushing his feet off the ground with a swift motion and looping his legs around Kibum’s legs who looked up startled, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

“What the hell? You’re going to dirty up my pants with your shoes,” he stuttered but didn’t even try to get away from the unusual leg hug.

“Aww, don’t be a sissy. My feet aren’t even touching your precious, black cloth pants,” Jonghyun smiled and started to laugh when Kibum rolled his eyes at him. “Yah Kibum, want to sleep over next Saturday? My parents are at my aunt’s over the weekend and I can organize some beer,” he then added all of a sudden, causing Kibum to look even more startled.

“Huh?” he asked in doubt, not quite believing the things he had just heard. Sleepover at Jonghyun’s house? Him? Why?

“I thought it would be a nice idea,” Jonghyun shrugged nonchalantly, shifting his weight from one side to the other to move the swings.

“You want ME to sleep over…at YOUR house? Seriously?” Kibum suddenly asked with wide eyes, his mouth slightly agape.

“It’s not such a big deal,” Jonghyun laughed, loosening the hold on Kibum’s legs before he let go of them completely. Kibum wanted to say that it was indeed a big deal for him, because Kim Jonghyun had just asked him to spend a night with him, but he stayed silent, chewing nervously on his bottom lip. This is how Laney Boogs must have felt when Freddie Prinze Junior had asked her out for a date in “She’s all that”, he thought, feeling his body shiver.

“Yeah,” Kibum then whispered hesitantly, not daring to look up.

“Yeah?” Jonghyun smiled, swinging back and forth.

“Yeah!” the younger one repeated a bit more powerfully; a little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Great. I’m glad,” Jonghyun grinned, tilting his head to the side. Kibum just smiled to himself and both of them swung next to each other for a while without saying another word. How was it even possible to get so close to someone he had admired for such a long time? Kibum was obviously confused, but he didn’t really mind the confusion. It was nice to finally be able to talk to the person he had secretly observed from afar for several months. Thinking about the upcoming weekend made him feel giddy. He had never slept over at a friend’s house because no one had ever asked him. Kibum sighed silently, pushing the thought of it away. He had accepted his past and tried to live in the present. Feeling bitter and miserable wasn’t of any use anyway.

“Yah Kibum, want to listen to some music?” Jonghyun asked after a while, pulling his iPod out of his trousers' pocket. Kibum looked up immediately, seeing the older one staring at the little flat gadget and touching around on it.

“Sure,” he answered, reaching out for the white earplug Jonghyun handed him over, thanking him in a low voice. Even though Jonghyun was obviously a musician at heart they had never ever talked about their musical preferences at all, which was weird because weren’t teenagers supposed to communicate about music all the time? Kibum tilted his head a bit and furrowed his brow. If he thought more about it he realized that they hadn’t had one single - what someone would call normal – conversation in the time they had known each other. Was it because they weren’t normal teenagers? A little huff left Kibum’s mouth before he shook off the thought and plugged the little earplug into his ear.

“Tell me if I need to turn down the [volume](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVT3p6SaUbw).”

Kibum just nodded, curious about the music Jonghyun listened to. He was surprised when he heard loud screaming and clapping from people through the earplug, assuming that the song they were going to listen was a live performance. Attentively he listened to the deep voice that was accompanied by the screaming of the audience and the soft sound of a piano. The man sung in English and Key couldn’t understand every word he sang, but he understood the signal words. Without even realizing it he got goosebumps, feeling how the voice slowly crawled down his spine. Usually, he listened to happy Korean pop songs so this kind of music and genre was a completely new experience for him, a nice one, he had to admit. When he looked up from the ground to glance at Jonghyun he saw his friend leaning with his head against the metal chains of the swings, eyes peacefully closed and lips silently mouthing the lyrics of the song. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight. If he had been a girl he would have said that Jonghyun looked like an angel right there, but he wasn’t a girl so he settled for ‘absolutely beautiful’ instead. It was one of those moments Kibum wanted to capture with his pencil. He wasn’t aware of the fact that he had started to stare again till Jonghyun opened his eyes and looked straight at him with those big, round eyes. Kibum instantly looked down with a blush on his cheeks when a little smile twitched at Jonghyun’s lips.

“Now comes the best part. I love how they build up the atmosphere till the tension reaches its peak and explodes. I get goose bumps every single time I listen to it,” Jonghyun explained with big gestures, following the piano chords with his fingers. Kibum chuckled quietly, being quite amused by the boy who sat next to him and literally lived up with the song. When the song ended Jonghyun looked down at his iPod again, seeming to look for another song.

“What’s the name of the band?” Kibum asked, interested, trying to avoid looking directly at his crush.

“It’s an American band called Nine Inch Nails. Did you like the song?” Jonghyun looked up for a second with a smile before glancing down at his iPod again.

“Yeah, I did. Usually, I don’t listen to this kind of music, but this was nice,” he confessed, waiting for another song to start.

“Oh, okay. What kind of music do you listen to then?” Jonghyun asked curiously, looking up again.

“I like Korean pop songs a lot. Music I don’t need to think about for too long is fine.”

“Uhhh…” Jonghyun pulled a face, leaning away from Kibum and almost looking disgusted. “Dude, now my sympathy for you almost neared zero,” he added with a visualizing gesture and laughed when he saw the shocked expression on Kibum’s face. “Just kidding, but you really need some music education. I will burn some CDs for you at home. How did you survive without me the past 16 years of your life anyway?” Jonghyun mocked jokingly, biting his bottom lip playfully.

Kibum pouted, even though his heart had skipped a beat when Jonghyun had offered to burn some music for him. Didn’t guys always compile mixed tapes for the one they loved? Kibum’s hazy mind preferred to think about the CDs as a declaration of Jonghyun’s feelings for him and not as something to educate him in musical matters.

They sat on the swings for another hour, listening to the music on Jonghyun’s iPod. Kibum enjoyed the feeling of getting a look at the insides of his friend’s soul by checking out his musical interests. He realized that the older one liked distorted guitars a lot, morbid and deep voices and lyrics with a melancholy subtext. They didn’t listen to one single song Kibum thought was optimistic or life-affirming and it made him wonder if Jonghyun liked this kind of music just for the sake of melodies and guitars or if the dark lyrics expressed his thoughts and fears. After all, he still didn’t know much about the other one’s life.

***

When Kibum came home that evening he went straight to his bedroom after wishing his mum a good night, slumping down on the chair at his desk and reaching out for the sketchbook in his nightstand. He first patted it lovingly and then opened it, skimming through his last drawings before grabbing a pencil. It had become a normal routine for him to express his feelings towards the older one through his drawings. For him, it was a normal activity, even though he knew that other people would think otherwise if they found those pictures in his nightstand.

Kibum worked on the picture with lots of love, trying to capture Jonghyun’s peaceful expression as good as possible. It almost looked like a photo when he was finished. He gave his final touches to it by adding the words ‘Everyone I know goes away in the end’ at the bottom of it, referring to the first song they had listened to at the playground. He sighed when he closed his sketchbook after two hours and checked the time. It was past midnight and he still had homework to do.

He knew that the feelings for Jonghyun got in the way when it came to school, but he couldn’t bring himself to even care about it. Jonghyun’s presence made him way happier than school had ever done, something every love-stricken teenager probably had felt at least once in their life.

He worked another two hours on his homework till he was finally able to fall back into his bed, not being able to sleep anyway. He wasn’t even sure anymore when he had slept through the night for the last time.

***

The rest of the week passed in a blur. Kibum had written a math test on Wednesday, which he had failed miserably because his mind had been up somewhere in the clouds. Not that he really minded, being on cloud number nine felt way better than facing the cruel reality.

“Kibum, that’s your future! How do you want to enter university or get a job when your marks drop just because of him? I’m sure that’s also not something he wants,” Jinki scolded Kibum during lunch on Friday, not using Jonghyun’s name for some days now. He always referred to Jonghyun as him or he, because every time Jinki would use his actual name Kibum would sigh with an infatuated smile on his face and drift off into space.

“Jinki, I don’t care. I’m in love for the first time in my life for Christ's sake! Just let me enjoy this feeling for a while, okay? It’s not like it will last forever anyway,” he hissed lowly, sounding a bit bitter when he uttered the last sentence. The older one just shook his head before he took one of his mum’s house-cooked fried chicken drumsticks and bit into it.

“I’m so glad that there’s nothing else in my life than chicken. It has to be hard to be all over someone,” he mumbled, staring down at the chicken drumstick like a lion at its prey.

“It’s not hard, it’s awesome! Now that we start to get to know each other it feels even better, but I’m afraid of Saturday,” he admitted thoughtfully, furrowing his brow a bit.

“Why’s that?” Jinki asked; mouth full of chicken.

“I’ve never slept at a friend’s house before. I don’t know how to act and I don’t even know why Jonghyun asked me to sleep over all of a sudden. I’m just confused.” Kibum sighed, massaging his temples with his fingertips, the food in front of him still untouched.

“You shouldn’t worry too much. He wanted to know more about you, right? A sleepover is the best thing to do so. You can talk the whole night and share things you wouldn’t share at daytime,” Jinki shrugged, ripping off some fried chicken crust with his teeth. Kibum looked at him skeptically, planting his head on his palm with a pout.

“But what if I act or say something stupid. It’s his house and his rules and what if…”

“Kibum, please stop worrying. Everything will be fine,” Jinki smiled reassuringly, placing his greasy hand on his friend’s, patting it friendly.

“I just…I just want Jonghyun to fall in love with me, you know? …That’s all,” Kibum sulked, groaning in frustration.

“I know you do… and he eventually will. I’m sure of that. The things you told me already indicate that he doesn’t seem too uninterested. Even though I don’t know much about love…just about chicken, I’m still a guy and I guess I would behave and act the same way as he does just to test the water. Even if he said that he doesn’t care about gender I assume it’s still something new for him that a boy likes him,” Jinki explained calmly, showing off his mature self.

“I guess you’re right,” Kibum agreed, lifting one eyebrow and feeling a bit surprised that his friend didn’t use any chicken metaphors to explain his point of view.

“I know I am,” the older one grinned cheekily, taking another chicken drumstick out of his lunch box.

 

**Chapter 6**

 

“Do I have everything? Toothbrush, a towel, my face wash, toothpaste, a comb, my pajamas, cookies, and chips… trousers, a shirt, socks, underwear, my glasses…should I take my glasses with me?” Kibum mumbled to himself, pacing around in his room nervously and checking his bag every few seconds.

  
It was 6 PM and Kibum had wanted to be on his way to Jonghyun by now, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was still occupied with going through his packing list over and over again. He was terribly nervous and even though he was excited to spend a night with Jonghyun he was still pretty anxious and didn’t know how to deal with this situation. He didn’t want to do anything wrong and cause an uncomfortable atmosphere between them.

When he saw his reflection in the mirror which hung on his door, he tried to fix his bangs with a little pout, not totally happy with his look. This time he had dug out the cutest casual clothes he owned, consisting of black tight pants, a white T-shirt and a pink, unbelievably soft hoodie which had little white robots on it. Kibum didn’t know why he wanted to look cute, but didn’t guys like cute girls? Right, cute girls. Kibum rolled his eyes and snorted. Boys could act cute too, he thought, when he looked himself up and down in the mirror.

10 minutes later he left the house, swearing under his breath as he needed to pull his hood over his neatly styled hair to hide it from the rain. He ran to the metro station, being out of breath as he reached it. He drove to Seokgya and changed tracks to take line six till Sangwolgok. Jonghyun had given him a note with his address and little instructions on the back of it the last time they had met for Kibum’s guitar lesson and now the pink-clad boy strictly followed the instructions written on the paper.

 

_You leave the metro and follow the street to your right._  
_When you reach the first junction you turn right and go downhill._  
_After 200 meters you should see several buildings with light blue roofs to your left._  
_You can’t really miss them because the blue is really outstanding compared to the roofs surrounding them. ^__~_  
_I live in the third one, number 243A._  
_If you can’t find the house for whatever reason give me a call and I will come out. (o^_^o)v_

 

Kibum read slowly and smiled at the phrasing of the instructions and the little smilies Jonghyun had used.His heart missed a beat when he spotted the buildings with the prominent light blue roofs for real after a 5-minute walk. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he neared number 243A with unhurried steps. He stood in front of the closed door for an eternity as it seemed, not daring to press the bell button. Kibum desperately tried to calm his breath, smoothing the material of his hoodie over his lean body. He bit his lip as he stared at the doorbell, hesitating for several moments before he finally had the courage to actually push the bell with his forefinger. Kibum closed his eyes in fear for a split second as he heard the ringing resounding through the house behind the door. His eyes widened noticeably as the door opened and Jonghyun appeared behind it, smiling brightly.

“Hey, there you are. I was already worried and thought you got lost on the way,” the older one grinned; a white towel around his shoulders, his hair wet and tousled. Jonghyun looked stunning in Kibum’s eyes and he nibbled nervously on his bottom lip, trying to not stare holes into the other one.

“Uhm…I’m sorry. I forgot about the time,” he muttered and pulled off his hood, entering the house cautiously as the older one made an inviting gesture.

“No need to say sorry. I still had time for a quick shower, so it was a good thing,” Jonghyun laughed lowly, tousling his hair even more with the towel. He was dressed in a black oversized hoodie which was so big that Kibum was sure that he would fit into it too if he tried, and loose, grey sweat pants. He wore the perfect outfit for a lazy Saturday evening indoors. Kibum put down his bag and took off his shoes, glancing around the house. It looked like the house of a normal middle-class family, nice, bright and cozy with lots of family pictures on the walls and small rooms. Kibum had never lived in a whole house, just in small flats so it was something new for him to see stairs leading up to a second floor.

“Make yourself at home,” Jonghyun gestured around with a soft smile, grabbing Kibum’s bag from the ground and going up the stairs, waiting for the younger one to follow him. Kibum tried to respond the little smile, still quite unsure of how to act in this new environment. He was lucky that the oversized hoodie and the loose pants covered Jonghyun’s backside nicely, otherwise he probably would have spent the seconds going up the stairs with staring at his friend’s butt.

“Is it even okay for your parents that I’m here?” he asked, insecure, letting his eyes wander over several baby pictures and family portraits on the way to the second floor.

“Sure it is,” Jonghyun said, glancing over his shoulder down at Kibum with a smile.

“So, this is my room,” he then announced after walking down a small corridor and opening a white door. Kibum entered the small room with hesitation but then looked around curiously. Jonghyun didn’t lie. It was really stark. No photos, no posters, no signs of personal belongings besides the guitars and the dozens of CDs, which piled up on one shelf and on the floor.

“Wow…it is…wow…very different to mine,” he said, eyes wandering over the black bed frame in the corner and the black desk with the chair in the other.

“Yeah, like I said, I don’t like crammed rooms” Jonghyun nodded, setting Kibum’s bag down next to his bed and sticking his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Where do you have your clothes?” Kibum asked then, after seeing no closet or anything the like in his room.

“Oh, they are behind here,” Jonghyun explained, pointing at two small slide doors that were located under the slope of his bedroom. “There is a hollow space behind them,” he added, sitting down on his bed. Kibum nodded understandingly, feeling a bit lost in the almost empty looking room.

“I still need to fetch you the futon, a pillow, and a blanket…oh, and of course I need to take the beer out of the fridge. By the way, do you want something to eat or something else to drink? Do you even drink beer?” Jonghyun babbled with a laugh, standing up from his bed again and scratching the back of his head.

“Beer is fine,” Kibum answered shyly, the tips of his feet bumping against each other. Maybe it would calm down his nerves.

“Good,” Jonghyun grinned, taking off the towel and placing it over the backrest of his chair. “I’ll be back in a minute. Sit down if you like,” the older one smiled, already on his way to the door.

“Shall I help you?” Kibum offered, but the other just refused with a friendly smile.

“It’s okay. Just feel at home.”

When Jonghyun left the room a deep sigh left Kibum’s lips. He rubbed his face with his hands in frustration, being angry at himself. He should relax, but it was so damn hard when Jonghyun always sent him those killer smiles. Kibum slumped down on the chair, looking over to Jonghyun’s bed. He had fantasized over this bed millions of times and now he sat directly in front of it and well, it looked different compared to the one in his dreams. It was way smaller and didn’t really resemble the pompous king-sized canopy bed in which Jonghyun deflowered him in his dreams every night.

Another sigh left his lips when he thought about his last dream. At least the bed sheets were nice, white with a black stripe at the top and at the bottom of the bedding. It was simple but looked really nice and stylish. Jonghyun didn’t even have a nightstand, Kibum then noticed, turning around to examine his friend’s desk. A closed laptop was on top of it and next to it some school and spiral notebooks. A little pout covered Kibum’s lips. There was absolutely nothing to discover in this room and he was sure that if this was his room he would die like a plant without water. He stood up when Jonghyun’s CDs caught his interest and he let his eyes wander over all the unfamiliar band names. Kibum didn’t know any of them. How should he be the perfect match for Jonghyun if he wasn’t even able to communicate with him about something that was such a huge part of his life?

“Found something you like?”

Kibum flinched and almost dropped the CD he was holding when Jonghyun entered the room. He immediately put the CD away and turned around to see his friend loaded with stuff up to his chin. Kibum came up to him right away, taking off the beer cans and the pillow he was carrying.

“I don’t know any of these artists,” Kibum then muttered with a bitter expression.

“Oh, nevermind. I burned some of the CDs for you anyway,” Jonghyun grinned, rolling out the futon on the floor and putting the blanket on it. He went up to his desk afterwards, pulling out the first drawer and taking a stack of at least 30 CDs out of it.

  
“These are for you. Take good care of them, because this was a shitload of work. It goes from classical stuff, to rock and metal, some funk and alternative stuff, there are even some RnB CDs in it. I’m sure you will like some of that. Oh, and this CD,” he pointed at the one on top, “this one is special because it has my favorite songs on it. You should listen to it attentively when you have time,” Jonghyun grinned, handing the startled Kibum the CDs who looked at him wide-eyed. All this work just for him? Kibum wasn’t able to mutter more than a low ‘thank you’ and ‘this really wasn’t necessary’, because he was so overwhelmed by all the feelings which overcame him. When you’re in love with someone the smallest things from your beloved one could make you to the happiest person on earth, no matter if it was a piece of paper, a bonbon, or a stack of burned CDs.

“That’s what friends are for, isn’t it so?” Jonghyun smiled and grabbed a can of beer before he threw himself onto his bed. Kibum still stood motionless with the CDs in his hands in Jonghyun’s room, looking down at them with a dumbfounded expression when Jonghyun opened his beer can.

“What would you like to do tonight? Watch a movie, listen to some music…or just get drunk?” Jonghyun asked, lifting his head to take the first sip of his beer.

“No idea,” Kibum answered honestly, slowly coming back to reality. He went down onto his knees, carefully putting the CD cases next to his bag before he opened the zipper of it and pulled out the chips and cookies he brought along. “Here,” he said, throwing the bag with chips onto Jonghyun’s stomach.

“Wow…awesome, my favorite kind,” Jonghyun exclaimed, holding up the spicy chips over his head with both hands like it was a trophy. Well, maybe the way to a man’s heart was still through his stomach and not through music, Kibum thought with a tiny smile.

“I hope you like those cookies too,” the younger one said and held up the package with cookies, bringing a sugar-sweet smile to Jonghyun’s lips.

“Those are my favorites too. You’re awesome!”

Kibum blushed with a smile and leaned his back against the bed posts, stretching his legs out on the futon that was lying next to Jonghyun’s bed.

“Yah Kibum, drink to this evening with me.” Jonghyun softly nudged Kibum’s shoulder with his toes, startling the younger one a little bit. Without saying a word he stood up and took a can of beer before he went back to his previous position. He opened the can under a low splutter and before he knew it Jonghyun had changed his position and was now laying the other way around, his head near Kibum’s.

“Let us drink to an awesome night,” he toasted, holding out his can to Kibum so they could nudge their cans against each other.

“Yah Kibum, you have to look at me, otherwise you’ll have bad sex for the next seven years,” Jonghyun smirked, causing Kibum to blush anew. He hesitated for a second before he looked up shyly into the other one’s eyes, desperately trying to hold the gaze without looking away again. Those big eyes and the cocky smirk made him insane. Jonghyun was way too close for comfort. As soon as their cans touched for a second time Kibum broke the gaze, looked away and took a huge gulp of beer to reassure his fast beating heart.

“Can I open the bag of chips?”

“Go on. I bought them for you anyway,” Kibum explained calmly, taking another sip of his beer, enjoying the slightly bitter taste it had. He wasn’t really used to alcohol, but he didn’t want to look prude and boring in the eyes of the other so he drank the beer without complaining.

“Aww thanks. You’re cute.” And then there was Jonghyun’s hand suddenly in his hair, tousling it. Kibum hated it if someone touched his hair, but now he just wanted to lean into the touch and purr.

“So, it’s just past 7. I have some DVDs so you could choose one and we watch it in the living room?” He then suggested, mindlessly playing with Kibum’s hair, looking unaware of the fact that he still touched it.

“Sounds good,” Kibum said, feeling goose bumps forming on his arms under the soft touch. But just seconds later the hand was gone and Jonghyun was down on the floor, crawling over to the slide doors, opening the right one.

“Come over here and check these out,” Jonghyun gestured Kibum to come nearer, pulling a box with DVD cases out of the darkness.

“They are mostly horror movies and some experimental stuff. I hope you don’t mind.”

Kibum shook his head even though he had a love-hate relationship with horror movies. He liked to watch them, but he always got so afraid that he couldn’t fall asleep afterwards. He checked the box carefully, but couldn’t really decide.

“I don’t know. Which one would you choose?” He turned around to face Jonghyun who puffed his cheeks for a second. God, he looked too cute for his own good.

“How about the Ring? It always makes me laugh, but my sister hates it with a passion.”

“Oh, you have a sister?” Kibum asked, interested, now remembering seeing a girl in the family photos in the hallway.

“Yeah, I have an older one. She’s already studying at university and lives in one of the dorms there. She just comes here on her holidays. What about you? Any siblings?”

“I’m an only child,” Kibum answered, pulling the DVD Jonghyun had suggested out from the box. He gave the DVD to Jonghyun with a smile who mimicked the action and stood up.

“Great. Take the booze and I take the chips and cookies,” he grinned before he grabbed said food and wandered down the stairs. Kibum followed him after he had taken the beer, not sure if it was the right decision to choose this movie. The living room of Jonghyun’s family was full of pretty plants and flowers. Jonghyun went over to the windows and closed the curtains before he turned on the TV and put the DVD into the player.

“There are some blankets next to the couch. If you’re cold or if you want to hide behind it, you should take one.”

Kibum immediately went over to the couch and took one of the blankets, settling down onto the couch with it and pulling it over his body. It smelled like Jonghyun, he noticed with a smile.

“Do you know the movie?” Jonghyun asked when he sat down next to Kibum, pulling lightly at the blanket to signal Kibum that he wanted a piece of the blanket too. Kibum’s heart started to beat faster again as Jonghyun inched closer till he was just a hand’s width away.

“No, I have never seen it before.” He shook his head and watched how Jonghyun pressed several buttons on the remote control till the movie finally started.

“It’s pretty odd, but you’ll see. Hand me the chips, my dear,” Jonghyun then said jokingly, wiggling his fingers impatiently in the air. How nice ‘my dear’ sounded, Kibum thought, reaching out for the bag of chips to give it to Jonghyun. He could get used to this nickname.

“Thankies,” Jonghyun said in a high-pitched voice which made Kibum laugh and ripped the bag of chips open.

They watched the movie in silence, just the rustling of the chips was heard besides the TV. Kibum sipped on his second beer occasionally, hiding behind the blanket for most of the movie. He could deal with splatter movies. Blood and massacres in horror movies were fun to watch, but he couldn’t deal with stuff that went right to his psyche. He didn’t like plots which played tricks on him and he definitely hated little girls who climbed out of an abandoned deep well and caused other people to die as soon as they saw her face.

He flinched and let out a little shriek as this little, weird girl called Samara suddenly appeared on TV and buried his face behind Jonghyun’s shoulder without really realizing it. The older one chuckled lowly next to him.

“Are you okay?” he asked with a little smirk, taking a sip of his third can of beer.

“Sure,” Kibum mumbled, stuffing his nose even deeper between Jonghyun’s shoulder and the backrest of the couch.

“Aww…shall I turn off the TV?” he asked, tousling Kibum’s hair again. Kibum just shook his head but didn’t move away a centimeter from his position. He slowly opened one eye when he felt the other one moving next to him and held his breath when Jonghyun was suddenly at eye level with him. “You should have said that you’re a little fraidy cat, Kibum. My sister owns Finding Nemo and Toy Story…and, of course, all Disney movies. Maybe we should have checked her DVD box,” he grinned and Kibum just huffed, turning his head away from the other one.

“I’m not scared of horror movies,” he mumbled into the cushion, clawing his fingertips into the blanket. “I just can’t stand little girls who hide their faces behind a curtain of black hair,” Kibum added, sulking, not wanting to admit that he was indeed scared and would have loved to watch Finding Nemo or Toy Story. When the sound and the light of the TV suddenly died down Kibum frowned and looked hesitantly to the right, seeing Jonghyun with the remote control in his hand.

“Come, I have another idea. The movie was boring anyway,” he said, grabbing the remaining chips, the cookies and the cans of beer.

“What are we going to do?” Kibum asked, slowly standing up from his position and folding the blanket.

“Watching porn,” Jonghyun said nonchalantly, already walking up the stairs.

“What?” Kibum exclaimed, following the older one swiftly.

“Just kidding.”

“Has someone ever told you that your weird jokes aren’t funny at all?” Kibum mumbled under his breath.

“I heard that.”

Kibum rolled his eyes but had to smile anyway. He didn’t really feel the alcohol clouding his brain yet, but he felt it in his legs as he stumbled up the stairs and almost fell - but just almost - because Jonghyun grabbed his arm in time and protected him from falling.

“You need to be more careful,” he smiled gently as Kibum looked up at him, mouth agape. When they safely reached Jonghyun’s room they both sat down on the older one’s bed, leaning with their backs against the wall. They nibbled chips with little smiles on their faces and continued with their drinking bout.

“So, what was your idea?” Kibum asked curiously, sipping on his beer can. He noticed that beer really eased his nerves and had a calming effect on him.

“Firstly I will turn on some music and secondly…I don’t know. I just wanted to get you away from Samara,” he admitted sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck before he stood up and browsed through one of the drawers of his desk.

“You’re like a knight,” Kibum giggled quietly and watched his friend take a CD out of the drawer, walking to his stereo.

“Of course I am. I’m always there to protect the princess, even if I just need to turn off the TV to ease the pain,” he smirked, kneeling down to turn on the stereo.

Was he the princess?

As the music started to play Kibum looked up in confusion because the sounds that resonated through the speakers weren’t guitar sounds, weren’t gloomy and dark…the sound was happy Korean pop.

“I downloaded some songs that are on the Korean charts at the moment. I thought you would prefer to not listen to my music all night,” Jonghyun explained with a tiny smile as he met Kibum’s puzzled expression.

“Oh…I mean,” Kibum blushed, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. How was it possible for one person to be this caring and adorable? “We…we don’t need to listen to that. I know that…that you don’t like this kind of music,” he spoke further, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands in embarrassment.

“Oh, it’s fine. I just downloaded those that were bearable and musically okay,” Jonghyun laughed, sitting down next to Kibum again, taking one of the chocolate cookies with peanuts.

“So…Kibum,” he started after a while of listening to different kinds of pop songs, nibbling on the cookie and glancing over at the younger one who finished his second can of beer.

“Mmh?” Kibum looked up from the can, lips glistening from the beer.

“Want to drink some soju?” he asked with a smirk, already standing up from the bed again.

“Yeah, why not,” Kibum nodded, placing the empty can onto the ground. He knew that he would regret his decision the next morning when he would wake up with a headache from hell, but now he didn’t really mind drinking something with a higher alcohol content. Jonghyun excused himself for a minute only to come back with two shot glasses and a green bottle with Soju. He swayed the bottle in his hands before he took the chair and positioned it in front of the bed, putting down the bottle and the glasses on it. With caution, he filled the glasses and handed Kibum one of them. The younger one took it with both hands, thanking the other and waiting for him to take the other glass. Jonghyun winked at him with a smile before he nudged his glass against Kibum’s, causing both glasses to clink.

“Cheers!” he then said, tossing down the one shot with one gulp and letting out a loud sigh. Kibum soon followed, feeling how the liquid burned down his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut and twisted his mouth, releasing a breath of air when he finished the glass. He couldn’t really describe the taste because all he felt was a burn on his tongue and dizziness in his head. He couldn’t even regain his posture when Jonghyun refilled his glass, grinning when he saw Kibum’s shocked expression.

“It’s impolite to not refill the glass,” he explained, refilling his own glass.

“Want to get me drunk…huh?” Kibum mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up due to the alcohol.

“I just want you to relax.”

“Sounds like the dialogue of a cheap porn,” Kibum scoffed, eyes widening as he realized what he had just said, hand clapping in front of his mouth. Alcohol definitely loosened the tongue.

“Oh, how did you know?” Jonghyun laughed, bumping his glass against Kibum’s again before he emptied it.

“I’m still a minor you know. So be careful,” Kibum babbled lazily with a finger up in the air before he followed Jonghyun’s lead and emptied his glass. This time the alcohol didn’t burn as much as it had done before, but Kibum felt his head spin, not being used to alcohol at all. He felt warm, incredibly warm. He fanned himself, blowing some air to his face. Jonghyun refilled both glasses, but this time he didn’t drink his own right away but leaned back against the wall instead.

“Yah Kibum,” Jonghyun started, glancing over at Kibum who sat cross-legged on his bed, unzipping his hoodie a bit. When Kibum looked up he saw Jonghyun staring down at the glass he held with both hands.

“When did it happen?”

“When did what happen?” Kibum asked, dumbfounded, and took a cookie, biting off a piece of it.

“When did you fall for me?”

Kibum almost choked on the crumbs, coughing into his hand and looking at Jonghyun wide-eyed.

“What?” he blurted out, emptying the soju shot with one big gulp. Jonghyun didn’t really ask him when he fell in love with him, did he?

“I’m just curious, you know. I…well, I can’t think of one thing about me that could attract…a boy, you know. Did it happen when we met in the music room for the first time or did it happen later?” Jonghyun asked bluntly like he always did.

“Uhm…”

Jonghyun couldn’t think about one thing that could attract boys? Was he stupid or something? Kibum frowned, signalizing Jonghyun with a wave of his hand to refill his glass with soju. Now he knew why Jonghyun wanted him to get drunk in the first place and Kibum was very enthusiastically fulfilling his wish. The pace in which he emptied his glasses couldn’t be healthy at all.

“I…do you want an honest answer?” Kibum said after he wiped away some driblets of soju from his lips. When Jonghyun nodded and took a sip from his own glass Kibum sighed. He rubbed the tip of his nose with his fingers and stared at the ceiling, thinking about an answer.

“It happened the first time I saw you,” Kibum confessed hesitantly, still staring at the ceiling.

“So it happened when you and your friend visited me in the music room.”

When Kibum shook his head cautiously and lowered his head shyly Jonghyun was the one who frowned, pulling his legs closer to his chest.

“Now I’m confused,” he smiled and took another sip from his glass.

“Well…how should I explain this,” Kibum started, nervously rubbing his leg with his palm. His hand was sweating. “I…noticed you before that already,” he then said, chewing on his bottom lip, not daring to look at Jonghyun.

“Oh okay….sooo…uhm,” Jonghyun laughed awkwardly, hand supporting his neck.

“I’ve seen you play the guitar in the music room shortly after I’ve changed schools. I was so mesmerized by you that I ran up to Jinki the next day and told him that I had probably seen the most beautiful human being on earth, playing guitar. That’s when it happened. I…I didn’t start to play guitar because of the sake of playing the guitar...you know.” Kibum played with the sleeves of his pink hoodie, wishing for Jonghyun to refill his glass so he could drown himself in soju.

There was a killing moment of silence despite the fact that the happy Korean pop music still played in the background and Kibum swallowed hard, slouching his shoulders. He shouldn’t have said that he knew it, but now he couldn’t take it back anymore. The most beautiful human being on earth? That was ridiculous. Maybe he could alleviate the damage he had caused by saying something clever.

“I…I…uhm.” Kibum’s eyes widened and he shied away when he looked up and saw Jonghyun’s face way too close to his own. When did he come this close? Kibum’s hands trembled and he felt a lump in his throat, not knowing what to do. Jonghyun just looked at him wordlessly, inspecting his face closely like he searched for something in it. Kibum just blushed and looked down again, not understanding what the older one was doing.

He was going to say something that would break this weird tension between them when he suddenly felt Jonghyun’s plush lips pressing carefully against his own. The touch shot through his veins like a flash and he snapped his eyes open, staring right at the older one’s eyes, backing off from the kiss in shock. Kibum touched his lips with his fingers and stared at Jonghyun like he was some kind of alien. He just got his first kiss from Jonghyun to Wheesung’s Girls? The first kiss he had waited for since the broadcast of the Diet Coke commercial when he was fourteen?

“What? Why…Why did you do this?” he stammered, still pressing his fingers to his mouth as to keep the prickling feeling on his lips as long as possible.

“Because I felt like it.” Jonghyun grinned softly, tilting his head a bit and looking over at Kibum with big eyes. “And because I wanted to know how it feels like to kiss you,” he added with smiling eyes, causing Kibum’s heart to beat even faster than it already did.

“And?” he asked uncertainly and moved his hand away from his lips and placed it down on his thigh.

“I can’t really decide yet. You pulled away too early to make a proper judgment,” Jonghyun commented and tried to suppress a cocky smile by biting down on his bottom lip. Kibum’s head spun violently and he licked his dry lips, trying to not destroy this opportunity by saying something dumb. Maybe both of them had a bit too much alcohol in their blood and maybe he would regret it the next day, but he had dreamed of Jonghyun’s lips for months now and the older one was basically telling him that he wanted to kiss him again. So, why waste time or act reasonably? He had waited for this moment for years!

“Then…then try again?” he asked carefully, looking up shyly and pulling the sleeves of his pink piece of clothing over his hands again. Jonghyun’s smile widened before he nodded softly. He leaned forward, gently placing his hands on Kibum’s cheeks, stroking them tenderly. Their gazes locked and Kibum felt like walking on clouds. It seemed cliché, but Kibum couldn’t change the fact that Jonghyun meant the world to him. His breath hitched when Jonghyun inched even closer and tilted his head a bit before he brushed his lips against Kibum’s.

He didn’t really know what to do so he acted on his instincts, closing his eyes and moving his lips slowly against Jonghyun’s, matching the other’s flow. Was this really happening or was this just one of his dreams? Kibum felt Jonghyun’s hands moving to his neck, caressing his jawline and the thin skin there. He shivered under the touch, feeling little light bulbs exploding in his body. He immediately opened his mouth when he sensed something small and wet pressing against it and his lips tingled under the unfamiliar visitor, welcoming him friendly.

Jonghyun tasted like soju, beer, cookies and chips and Kibum had to smile at the mix of flavors he got to taste. He was hesitant and acted passively, letting Jonghyun lead their first little encounter. His trembling got worse when one of Jonghyun’s hands slowly moved over his shoulder down to his arm till it reached his hand. The older one bumped their fingertips together before he intertwined them cautiously, making the other one’s heart melt in excitement. Kibum didn’t know how to interpret this little gesture but enjoyed it nonetheless.

He didn’t want to let go when Jonghyun slowly ended the kiss with a last soft brush of their lips and moved against him, desperately sought for contact, which caused the older one to chuckle lowly.

“Remember, seduction of minors,” he whispered cheekily, letting his thumb wander over Kibum’s reddened and wet lips before withdrawing his hand. Kibum puffed his cheeks sulkily, pouting a little. When you got to taste the forbidden fruit you always wanted more. Kibum finally understood what this sentence meant.

“And?” Kibum asked quietly after a moment, looking down at their hands which were still intertwined.

“It felt nice…really nice.”

 

**Chapter 7**

 

“So…,” Kibum coughed after an awkward moment of silence, not wanting to remove his hand from the subtle touch between their intertwined fingers.

“So?” Jonghyun repeated the question, eyes looking up curiously at Kibum who chewed on his bottom lip.

“What…does this mean…I mean. You’re confusing me,” the younger one uttered honestly, pointing down at their entangled fingers. He didn’t even know if he really wanted an answer. What if Jonghyun just wanted to play and experiment with him without giving the kiss too much thought? But Jonghyun knew about his feelings, didn’t he? He wouldn’t take advantage of him if this didn’t mean something for him, would he?

“I guess it means that I realized over the past few days that…I kind of like you…like you in a way a normal friend shouldn’t? And this…well, this…this is my way of showing it?!” the older one answered thoughtfully and Kibum was sure that it was the first time he saw the other one actually stutter and blush. He hadn’t ever dared to dream of such words but to hear them felt unbelievably good and relieving.  
.  
“Thank you,” Kibum said with a tiny smile, glancing down at their hands again.

“Thank you for what?” Jonghyun frowned, tilting his head to the side.

“For always being this straightforward and honest. You know…I would have never ever dared to kiss you,” Kibum said with an almost bitter looking smile.

“Why?”

“Because I’m gay,” Kibum simply shrugged, puffing his cheeks.

“This doesn’t make any sense at all.”

“Well, it does…kind of. It’s a bit difficult to explain for me, but when you’re in love with someone of the same sex, you don’t want this person to scare away. So you won’t do anything at all. The only thing you can do is wait and hope that said person will reject you, because they can’t deal with it, or that they will make the first move. Maybe it’s not too different for heterosexuals either, but well… for me, it feels…I don’t know…I feel burdened?” Kibum tensed his shoulders and looked at Jonghyun for some sign of comprehension. When the older one nodded, his shoulders lowered automatically and a small smile spread on his face.

“I should give you alcohol more often if you start to talk so openly, huh?” Jonghyun grinned crookedly, caressing the soft skin of Kibum’s hand with his thumb.

“Yeah, maybe you should”, Kibum giggled but soon regained his posture and looked serious. “Yah Jonghyun,” he mimicked the tone the older one always addressed him with.

“Hm?”

“Could you change the CD? This happy, hyper dance music is kind of killing the mood,” he tried to sound fretted but burst out into a laughing fit when he looked at Jonghyun’s seemingly dumb expression. Jonghyun just stuck out his tongue at him before he got up, letting go of Kibum’s hand.

While Jonghyun browsed through his CDs the younger one leaned back at the wall again, reveling in the joy of his friend’s statement and the kiss they had shared with a smile. Jonghyun had kissed him. His daily midnight fantasy really had been his first kiss. Life couldn’t be more perfect, could it?

“Kibum?” Jonghyun asked in the middle of searching a CD, not looking up from his activity.

“Yah?”

“Then you paid for guitar lessons just because you wanted to see me?” Kibum could hear the amusement in the other’s voice and blushed. He had inwardly hoped that Jonghyun wouldn’t ask him about this tiny, insignificant part of his declaration.

“I guess so,” he muttered, taking a cookie to keep himself occupied.

“But you’re not that bad at playing the guitar, you know. You could become a good guitar player if you continued to practice,” he explained and sighed in relief as he found the CD he had been looking for, kneeling down in front of his CD player.

“Are you saying this as my guitar teacher who wants to earn money or are you saying this as my friend who really thinks that I’m not that bad?” Kibum asked curiously, watching Jonghyun intently. A low laugh left Jonghyun’s lips before he pressed the play button and turned around to face the younger one.

“I’m saying that as your friend. I’m feeling bad for taking your money if you just wanted to see me. I’m sure I’ll find another student if I put up an advertisement on the information board.”

“But I don’t want to stop with the lessons, so you don’t need to look for another student,” Kibum babbled, shocked, cookie crumbs hanging in the corner of his lips.

Jonghyun laughed at the younger’s comment and sat down on his bed again, reaching out with his thumb to remove the tiny crumbs on Kibum’s lips, which made the younger one lower his head in embarrassment.

“That’s good to hear and it would make me really happy if I could keep you as a student, but I can’t take your money anymore. That would make me feel really bad after I’ve kissed you,” he admitted almost jokingly and lay down on his bed, his legs pulled up to his chest so that Kibum still had enough space to sit. The younger one smiled down at him, bending his leg to the side till it nudged against Jonghyun’s for a second.

“Want another glass of soju?” Jonghyun then asked, pointing at the almost empty bottle. When Kibum shook his head with a displeased look on his face Jonghyun giggled, crossing his arms beneath his head.

“Enough alcohol and honest talk for today I guess,” he grinned, stretching his legs out till they settled down on Kibum’s legs.

“I’m just afraid that I will regret the alcohol tomorrow,” Kibum answered sincerely, patting Jonghyun’s legs through the material of his sweats. They felt as skinny as his own. He looked absentmindedly down at Jonghyun’s legs, smoothing the fabric of his sweats with his fingertips.

“I have one last question to ask,” he said thoughtfully after a minute, frowning, looking up to meet Jonghyun’s curious gaze.

“Go on!” the older one said, wiggling his legs impatiently.

“So…when? I mean…last Saturday you still were kind of…I don’t know…undecided and unsure about…well…me…and now…THIS,” Kibum asked hesitantly, avoiding Jonghyun’s gaze and focusing on his legs again as the older one grinned.

“Maybe I knew it all along and just wanted to see how we get along without guitars in our hands,” Jonghyun guessed, seeming not really sure himself how to answer this question.

“And now you realized that we get along pretty well?”

Jonghyun smiled, kicking Kibum’s side softly with the tip of his foot.

“Don’t you think so?”

“Yeah, sure I do,” Kibum answered confidently, noticing that Jonghyun had extremely small feet for a guy.

“See,” Jonghyun said, pleased, taking his legs off Kibum to sit up again.

“There is also something else I would like to know,” Kibum suddenly uttered shyly, glancing over at Jonghyun who poured some soju into his glass and took a sip.

“Uhuh…yeah, go on, you can ask me absolutely everything. Talking makes things easier most of the time,” he nodded with a big hand gesture, drowning the rest of his shot with one gulp before putting the empty glass back onto the chair. Jonghyun really seemed to have a high alcohol tolerance for a boy his age.

“How many girls did you already have?” Kibum asked carefully, pulling his legs up to his chest and embracing them with his arms. He really was curious about how experienced Jonghyun already was. On one hand he seemed to be every girl’s wet dream with his cocky smile, the laid-back and gentle attitude, the handsome face and his musical talent, but Kibum didn’t know if everyone thought this way about Jonghyun or if his vision of the older one was just blurred due to the pink-tinted heart-shaped glasses he was wearing.

Jonghyun laughed and leaned his head against the wall, turning it to the side to face Kibum.

“What do you mean by have? Are you talking about girlfriends or are you talking about girls I had sex with, because the number differs,” Jonghyun asked, puffing his cheeks slightly.

“Both then.”

“4 and 2. Want to know some details as well?” he laughed, grabbing the neglected bag of chips and gathering the remains on the bottom to stuff them into his mouth.

“If you’re asking like that…of course I want details,” Kibum answered calmly, trying not to imagine how Jonghyun kissed or touched a girl.

“Well…the first one was in elementary school when I was 10,” he grinned like a little kid, moving on to steal a cookie from the box. “Her name was Hwayoung and she was a really cute girl with pigtails and chubby cheeks. She wrote me cute love letters with dozens of little hearts and told me that she wants to marry me and have kids with me when we are adults,” he added, laughing. “We eventually broke up after four weeks when she fell in love with another classmate. This love was really innocent and holding hands was the big thing back then.”

Kibum had to laugh at Jonghyun’s emphasizing of the words ‘big thing’. He liked to imagine Jonghyun as a little Don Juan when he was 10. He sure was already extremely adorable back then.

“Uhm…the second one was in middle school when I was 13. Her name was Micha. She was a lot taller than me and everyone laughed at us when we walked around together. Dude, it was really depressing to be honest, but she had such lovely long, black hair that always smelled like apples. Micha was my first kiss, but she broke up with me after two months, telling me that I’m too short for her. I was really heartbroken after that and I still get easily pissed off when someone calls me short,” Jonghyun pointed out seriously, making Kibum smile inwardly. He had already noticed that Jonghyun was at least 5 centimeters smaller than him, not that he really minded. Size didn’t matter, right?

“The third one was Jinkyong. I was 15 and she was already 18. She helped me out with math after school and at one point one thing led to another and we made out in her room. I felt amazing back then, having an older, more experienced girlfriend. Well, she taught me a lot…besides math,” he giggled, but then sighed thoughtfully. “We broke up on good terms when she went to college.”

“The last one was Sookjoo. I met her at a café where she worked part-time. She was 20 and studied music at university. I thought she was the one. Well, maybe she really was the one,” he glanced over at Kibum with a sad smile. “We were like twins and maybe this was the problem in the end. We were so much alike that it didn’t work out. She wanted to follow her career, become a singer and I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I was pretty naïve back then I guess,” Jonghyun rubbed the back of his neck, gazing into space. “So yeah, girls gave me a lot of heartaches. When Sookjoo broke up with me I kind of lost my hope in love matters and only concentrated on music. I stopped talking about feelings and such, because I often think that Sookjoo felt pressured. Probably I became more realistic and rational after the break-up. I don’t know. It’s in the past now,” the older one ended his explanation and let out a long and deep sigh.

Kibum sat silently next to him, thinking about the things his friend had told him. It clarified a lot and also explained why Jinki had never seen Jonghyun with a girl in school, because his last girlfriends had been already in university. So Jonghyun liked older girls? There were so many images and pictures that bubbled up in his mind, but he didn’t want to probe the older one. There were hopefully a lot of chances to talk about it later on. At least he knew that Jinki was wrong. Jonghyun was definitely not guitar-sexual.

“But you have no experiences with boys yet?” Kibum wanted to make sure. Why? He didn’t really know. Maybe it was because he wanted to be at least Jonghyun’s first boyfriend or because he didn’t want to be the only one inexperienced in this matter.

“Nope! I’m all pure,” Jonghyun said; his shining smile back on his lips. “But once there was a guy called Minho. He was part of our soccer team, tall, big brown eyes, and everybody’s darling. He was pretty hot and good-looking to be honest. I envied him a lot because of his height and his athletic body. You would probably fall for him if you saw him, but he changed to a sports school last year,” he added after thinking about it for a few seconds.

“I see,” Kibum nodded, feeling kind of relieved. It was good to learn something new about the other one, it made Jonghyun’s actions and his way of talking more comprehensible. They had always talked about him and not about Jonghyun so it was nice for a change that he was the one who asked questions.

***

It was already past 3 AM when Kibum got tired, the alcohol very slowly vanishing out of his system. It had been a good idea to pass on another round of soju shots hours ago.

The past few hours they had talked about books and movies, about food and animals. Past 2 AM they had started to play air guitar in Jonghyun’s room, jumping on Jonghyun’s bed and banging their heads, laughing all the while. The kiss and the talk hadn’t made things awkward or strange. If they had touched unintentionally during their little two men party in Jonghyun’s small bedroom Kibum hadn’t flinched or avoided the other’s gaze. He had smiled instead and had enjoyed the attention.

Jonghyun jumped from his bed with a high, rock-style scream and landed on the ground for a final pose to end the song before slower music filled the room. Kibum laughed when he saw how exhausted Jonghyun looked, breathing hard, cheeks flushed and sweat glistening on his forehead. He fanned himself, blowing air into the neckline of his hoodie.

“Gosh, it’s so hot,” he groaned, grabbing the hem of his hoodie and pulling it over his head. Kibum caught a glimpse of a line of fine dark hair under Jonghyun’s navel before the older one had the chance to smoothen the white baggy t-shirt he was wearing underneath. Kibum gulped, trying to concentrate on something else, but Jonghyun had already caught him staring, causing the younger one to blush.

“Good thing I didn’t take off my t-shirt too, huh?” Jonghyun grinned, throwing his hoodie over the backrest of his chair.

“Sorry, I didn’t…well, I didn’t want to stare,” Kibum apologized, fingers playing with each other.

“Oh, I don’t mind. To get stared down by a boy is kind of…interesting?” Jonghyun smirked cockily, his head slightly tilted. Kibum raised an eyebrow suspiciously but didn’t say anything in response. He didn’t know that Jonghyun was also a little show-off.

“Maybe we should go to sleep. You look tired and it’s already past 3,” the older one said worriedly, checking the time on his clock. Kibum just nodded, suppressing a yawn. As much as he loved to fool around with the older one the alcohol made him feel terribly tired.

“Sounds good to me,” he answered, ruffling his hair a bit. “Do you want to go to the bathroom first?” Kibum then asked but grabbed his bag when Jonghyun shook his head.

Quietly he dragged himself to the bathroom which he already had visited earlier, slowly changing into his pajamas, consisting of a white t-shirt with a Mickey Mouse on it and blue, chequered pants. He had never thought that the sleepover at Jonghyun’s house would end up in a kiss. He didn’t even know if they were a couple now or just friends who were on the best way to form a relationship. With a sigh he splashed water on his face, using the face wash to clean his skin. After drying his face with a towel he neatly brushed his teeth, trying to wipe away the taste of soju. He still felt a bit dizzy from the alcohol, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been some hours ago. When he was finished with everything he folded his worn clothes and put them into his bag, walking back into Jonghyun’s room. As he found his friend just in his boxer shorts he blushed and bent down to put his bag down on the ground.

“I hope you don’t mind me. I just sweat a lot during the night, that’s why I prefer to sleep just in boxers,” he explained before he passed Kibum and disappeared into the bathroom. Kibum let out the breath he had been holding in, kneeling down on the ground and crawling under the blanket. Jonghyun’s body looked a lot different to what he had imagined in his dreams. Instead of having a six pack and muscles Jonghyun was as skinny as he was. But what did he expect in the first place? Jonghyun was a musician…not an athlete.

When Jonghyun entered the room again Kibum lay on his back, his blanket pulled up to his chin. He followed Jonghyun’s steps as he climbed onto his bed and disappeared under his duvet. The older one turned around to face the younger one, placing his head on his palm.

“Kibum, I don’t even know your Cyworld address. You sure have a homepage there, don’t you?” Jonghyun asked suddenly and grabbed his mobile phone from the windowsill behind the head of his bed. “I'll send you my information and also my MSN address if you want to chat sometime,” he grinned, pressing down the keys on his mobile phone before he sent his message to Kibum. When Kibum’s mobile phone started to play his ringtone he reached out for his bag, grabbing his mobile phone and reading the message from Mr. Kink.

_“Cyworld: www.cyworld.com/jonghyun90 and MSN: www.jonghyun1990.hotmail.com ^-^_  
_ADD ME! ^-^v_  
_PS. You look really cute in your pajamas ^-^* ”_

 

Kibum smiled to himself with a slight blush on his cheeks before he put down his mobile phone again.

“Thanks,” he answered quietly before he snuggled up into his blanket.

“Good night I guess,” Jonghyun said after he had turned out the music and the light, smiling down to Kibum in the darkness. “The light in the corridor is still on if you need to go the toilet during the night and if something is wrong just wake me up, ‘kay?”

“Yah,” Kibum nodded, turning onto his side to find a better sleeping position.

“Sleep tight.”

“You too,” the younger one answered before he closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. It was harder than he had thought it would be. The new, foreign surroundings were a bit scary, to begin with and to know that Jonghyun was so close to him and the fact that he wore just his boxers made him dizzier than the soju had. He lay awake for quite a while and listened to the rustling of Jonghyun’s blanket. He tried to take a glimpse of the older boy but the darkness didn’t let him. With a frustrated sigh, he turned back on his back after half an hour, staring up at the dark ceiling. The rustling of Jonghyun’s bed sheets had stopped by then, which caused Kibum to assume that the older one had fallen asleep. He didn’t want to wake him up so he started to count little Jonghyuns. He fell asleep around 234.

***

Kibum dreamed of Jonghyun that night. And even though he dreamed the same dream every night the settings had changed a bit. The king-sized canopy bed was replaced by Jonghyun’s normal bed and his six-pack was replaced by a lanky body. It didn’t really matter for the intensity of Kibum’s dream though. It felt even more realistic.

Kibum woke up through Jonghyun’s loud mobile phone ringtone. He let out a discontent sound and rubbed his eyes when he listened to Jonghyun’s voice, his head slightly aching from the soju and beer.

“Mum…it’s not even 10 AM,” he heard him sigh. When he blinked his eyes and slowly looked up he saw Jonghyun with small, drowsy eyes, his bed sheets pushed down to the end of the bed. He really seemed to feel hot during the night.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Yay, I’ll make us breakfast. No, we didn’t drink alcohol.” Kibum smiled at the last part of his sentence. He saw how Jonghyun scratched his stomach absentmindedly and how the muscles under his fair skin contracted when he moved. He automatically felt reminded of his dream and felt how his insides curled into little knots. In his dream he had moaned and whimpered against said skin, clawing his fingertips into it. Just the thought of it made his face heat up.

“Yes, mum. I will, mum. Okay, mum…Yes, I’ll see you tonight. I love you too, mum…Bye.” With that Jonghyun threw his mobile phone into the next corner, letting out a frustrated sigh.  
“Why does my mum always call like…in the middle of the night? It’s Sunday,” he grumbled, lifted his legs up in the air and placed them against the wall.

“Good morning to you, too,” Kibum grinned sleepily, fixing his tousled hair. Jonghyun smiled when he heard that, turning around to lie on his stomach.

“Hi there, did you sleep well?” he asked gently, his voice still hoarse from sleep. He bedded his head on his crossed arms, looking at Kibum like a puppy.

“Yeah, I did,” he nodded, nuzzling his head into the pillow.

“I see,” Jonghyun grinned before he stood up from his bed and stretched out his arms. The little party in Kibum’s stomach just got wilder when his eyes scanned the lanky form in front of him. He knew he shouldn’t stare, but the fair, soft looking skin radiated some magical appeal Kibum couldn’t avoid. Jonghyun grabbed his sweats and t-shirt from last night and put them on after sending Kibum another one of his cocky smiles.

“I’m really sorry, but my mum is a bit annoying at times.” Jonghyun rolled his eyes as to underline his statement, ruffling his disheveled bed hair. It fascinated the younger one how Jonghyun was able to turn from the cocky bastard to the cute puppy within the blink of an eye. Kibum smiled, finding a still drowsy Jonghyun way more adorable for the time being.

***

They had a bowl of Jonghyun’s favorite cereal after they left the older one’s bedroom. They talked about random stuff while they munched on the little chocolate sprinkled flakes, taking their time to wake up completely. Jonghyun told Kibum that he had dreamed of being in jail and that Kibum had freed him and that they both had run away before some army of cobras had attacked and had killed them mercilessly. No wonder that Jonghyun felt hot during the night when he had such nightmares, Kibum thought, taking a spoonful of cereal.

It was pretty nice to spend the morning with Jonghyun, to wake up next to him, to hear him talk, to eat breakfast with him and to watch random kids’ shows with him afterwards. They shared a blanket in the living room, snuggled up into the soft material and watched an old episode of Power Rangers. It was fun to discuss the individual characters of the show with Jonghyun. The older one laughed when Kibum told him enthusiastically that his favorite Power Ranger was the pink one. Kibum pouted when Jonghyun nudged him in the side and uttered that the pink one is just for girls and that real boys should like the red one most.

It was already past 1 PM when Kibum decided to change from his pajamas into casual clothes. He helped Jonghyun with cleaning up his room and disposing of the beer cans and the soju bottle. It took them just half an hour till the house looked like it had been before Kibum’s arrival.  
Kibum didn’t want to leave, but there was still a lot of homework to do and he wasn’t even sure if Jonghyun wanted him around all day.

“Maybe I should get going,” he announced when they both sat on Jonghyun’s bed, the older one with one of his guitars in his lap.

“Already?” Jonghyun stopped his mindless guitar strumming, looking up at Kibum with a little pout. He would have loved to kiss this pout away, but he didn’t really dare to do it.

“Yeah, homework and such,” he answered with a sigh, seeing the pout on Jonghyun’s lips intensify.

“Okay then,” the older one grumbled, placing his guitar next to his bed, moving closer to the other. “But before you go I want one last kiss,” he grinned smugly, placing his hands on Kibum’s skinny arms. Was Jonghyun able to read his mind? Kibum nodded shyly, hearing his own heartbeat drumming in his ears as Jonghyun approached him and sealed his mouth with plump, slightly chapped lips. This time he tasted like mint toothpaste, fresh and clean. The kiss was sweet and slow, just some touching of two pairs of lips with a bit of tongue, but not too much.

“But that was more than one kiss,” Kibum grinned afterwards, lips pressing slightly together.

“Shame on me!” Jonghyun exclaimed jokingly, putting his hand over his mouth with wide eyes before starting to laugh. Kibum joined him, feeling relieved that their interaction became more and more natural.

Jonghyun took Kibum’s bag when they went to the front door soon afterwards, watching Kibum as he put on his shoes.

“I see you tomorrow?” Jonghyun asked hopefully while Kibum fought with the shoelaces of his left shoe.

“Sure. Same time, same place…as usual,” Kibum smiled and got up from the floor, grabbing his bag.

“Send me a message when you’re at home, ‘kay?” Jonghyun said almost motherly, stepping a bit forward when Kibum opened the door.

“I will. Thanks for your hospitality,” the younger one said with a little smirk before he felt Jonghyun’s arms around his waist, pulling him closer for an embrace. It made Kibum’s heart beat a hundred times faster

“It was my pleasure,” he whispered into Kibum’s ear, making the taller one shudder a little. When he felt a pair of lips pressing against his temple he grinned happily, closing his eyes for a second. Jinki had been right, after all, a sleepover was a great experience to get to know each other better.

 

**Chapter 8**

 

As hard as Kibum tried to suppress the bright smile on his face it didn’t want to vanish. With light steps he hopped along the streets, greeting every stranger he passed on his way back home. He regretted his initial shyness by now. If he had approached Jonghyun when he had first seen him without waiting for something to happen for months…maybe he could have experienced the happiness he felt right now much earlier. But in the end thoughts and doubts like that were irrelevant, because everything was in the past. Now he felt love-stricken and light-headed.

It felt amazing.

“I’m back, mum,” he yelled when he entered the little flat he lived in with his mum, taking off his shoes and putting them aside.

“Did you have a nice time?” Kibum heard his mum’s high voice coming from the kitchen.

“Yep, I did,” was the short answer before he leaped to his bedroom, humming a happy melody. He and his mum had developed a close relationship since his dad had left them, but there were still some things Kibum didn’t want to talk about with her.

Jonghyun was one of these things.

Even though he knew that his mum was pretty aware of the fact that her son seemed to be a tad different to other boys in their neighborhood and probably secretly waited for him to finally bring a boy home he had never once talked about it with her. There was no need to in Kibum’s eyes. Maybe it was a selfish thing to literally hide something like this from his closest relative, but for Kibum his orientation shouldn’t be a topic in his family. Liking boys over girls didn’t change the person he was, right? It was naïve, considering that in South Korea and many other parts of the world homosexuality was still a topic to be swept under the table, but Kibum didn’t care.

He liked a boy and he was fine with it.

Kibum placed his bag on his bed, unzipping it and taking out the stack of CDs Jonghyun had compiled for him. He placed them carefully on his nightstand and automatically started to smile when he saw Jonghyun’s crappy handwriting on the cover of the CD on top, the one with Jonghyun’s favorite songs on it.

 

_“For Kibum ^-^_  
_I hope you enjoy this one a looot!!!”_

 

A sigh left his lips when he took the jewel case into his hands and encircled the angular syllables of his name with his forefinger before he opened the CD to take a look at the tracklist. His eyes widened when a whole booklet appeared in front of his eyes. He flipped through the pages, seeing the song and the artist at the top of every page and under it translations of the lyrics and a little description and story to every single song written by Jonghyun. It moved him so much that he had difficulty to stifle the butterflies that circulated in his stomach. There hadn’t been one single person in his whole life who had given him something this personal and special.

Kibum’s fingers trembled a bit when he took the CD out of the case and put it into his CD player, pushing the play button before he crashed down on his bed in curiosity. He grabbed his mobile phone from his bag to write Jonghyun a short message. He told him that he was back at home and that he had started to listen to his CD before he thanked him again for the nice time he had had and the amount of new music he could listen to. He put the mobile phone aside afterwards and grabbed the booklet again, scanning the track list on the second page. There were 14 songs and he just knew the one Jonghyun had played to him at the playground.

 

**[01\. Placebo – Special Needs](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIe-3yHFubA&feature=related)  
** [02\. Radiohead – Creep](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkzRNyygfk)  
[03\. Nine Inch Nails - Hurt](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cefrrdRUid4)  
[04\. Counting Crows – Colorblind](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oN90roHPy_A)  
[05\. Air – Playground love](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mQ4reLS8Lo)  
[06\. Archive – Goodbye](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiM9atofonk)  
[07\. Metallica – Nothing else matters](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcbAibPA2yY)  
[08\. The Frames – Falling Slowly](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGJ8dY_IcgE)  
[09\. Coldplay – The Scientist](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fflsUX93BtU)  
[10\. VAST – Pretty when you cry](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOZ6ptqcbUc)  
[11\. MUSE – Time is running out](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYDuNq-a5b4)  
[12\. Nine inch nails – Closer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTFwQP86BRs&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DPTFwQP86BRs&has_verified=1)  
[13\. Blue October – Sexual power trip](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onHb2CAXvIk)  
[14\. MUSE – Supermassive black hole](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6okwg6PiSis)

 

Attentively he listened to the first song while reading the translation to it. He didn’t know that Jonghyun was this good at English to be able to translate all the lyrics, but maybe he had just looked them up on the internet. The idea made him smile inwardly. The singer’s voice was a bit too whiny for Kibum’s taste, but he liked the melody of the song and instantly started to swing his feet to the rhythm. Jonghyun’s personal note under the lyrics included that he really loved the video to the song and that Kibum should check it out on Youtube if he had some time because it was pretty intense.

“It has to be incredible to feel the one you love so close to you even though you know the person isn’t there. Maybe it’s like dreaming? When you dream you think it’s real, but when you wake up you realize that your mind betrayed you…and nothing was real at all.”

 

Like this Kibum slowly worked off the tracklist, reading his friend’s anecdotes and philosophies with caution and smiles. Most of his favorite songs involved love…

 

…first love, deep love, passionate love, painful love, past love, lost love...

 

It put Jonghyun into a totally different light. Was he a romantic inside? It was hard to believe for Kibum, but maybe he was just mistaken. He could relate to so many parts of the different lyrics that it almost scared him. It was like the writers of the lyrics had looked right into his soul and had noted down Kibum’s deepest wishes, fears and doubts.

 

_…I don’t know you, but I want you…You’re something beautiful a contradiction…You’re just like an angel, your skin makes me cry… I wish I was special, but I’m a creep I’m a weirdo…I’m thinking of you in my sleep…_

They pierced through his ear canals and settled down in his mind, making him think about himself, about life…about Jonghyun. Was it even possible to be this obsessed with someone? It scared him that all his thoughts and wishes, his dreams and fears involved the older one, but he wasn’t able to change it. He liked this form of insanity …also known as love.

It was the twelfth song when Kibum’s mood suddenly swung from depressed and thoughtful to something that made his eyes widen, his cheeks blush and his hands sweaty. All songs so far had carried something morbid and fragile in their melodies, but this song was different. He didn’t need Jonghyun’s translation for it. The words went right to his crotch and stayed there, dazing his nerves. He wasn’t sure if Jonghyun had intended this reaction with the selection of this song at first, but when his eyes wandered over the little note to this song at the bottom of the page his intentions were cleared up.

 

_“Pretty intense, right? I love this song a lot. You just have to close your eyes, listen to the lyrics and let your thoughts wander. I do that a lot …haha o^-^o’ “_

 

Kibum could clearly imagine the cocky smile on Jonghyun’s lips while writing this note and he cursed the older one for the first time, his hand clutching painfully between his legs. I do that a lot… The imagery these words caused where enough for Kibum to stand up and skip the song, leaning against his desk to catch his breath. He desperately tried to think of something else than Jonghyun masturbating to the song he had just listened to, but as hard as he tried the pictures didn’t want to leave him. He bit his bottom lip then, pressing his palm down into the pain in his crotch. The next song didn’t make things better and he saw himself forced to lock his bedroom door, sliding down the frame, his head leaning against the cold surface as he opened his pants and freed himself from the tightness of his jeans. He always had been good in controlling his teenage, pubescent hormones, but since he knew Jonghyun he couldn’t hold them back anymore. He bit into his free hand to stifle his moans, his brows furrowed in concentration as the other hand worked his shaft, images of the older one occupying his mind.

He came fast, his hips bucking up in the middle of the 14th song, his mouth releasing a relieved moan. His eyes rolled back in his head then and he stilled his hand, tongue licking his lips. The bass and drums of the song pierced his marrow and bone and he felt dizzy, his bitten hand wiping away the drops of sweat from his forehead. A wave of guilty conscience overcame him as the last chords of the song rung through his body. He wasn’t supposed to jack off to a CD Jonghyun had given him and his heart wasn’t supposed to beat this fast just because of the images the songs had produced in his mind. He stayed still for a while, listening to the silence that floated through the room after the song had ended. His eyes fell shut and he tried to breathe evenly again, the heaviness of his post-orgasm weighing on his shoulders.

 

[Kibum](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-6S1mGAS3Y) didn’t know how long he sat there on the white carpet of his floor, thinking of nothing in particular when soft piano tones reached his ears. At first, he didn’t notice that it wasn’t his mind that played the melody but indeed his CD player, but when he realized that the melody wasn't an illusion his eyes snapped open and he looked dazzled at his CD player, staring at it as it was some foreign thing. He tilted his head and listened, feeling his heart clenching in his chest. Kibum didn’t understand much of music, of notation, music theory or instruments, he didn’t know if the piece he listened to was the work of a genius or of a total fool, he didn’t know if it was art or garbage, the only thing he knew was that it touched his heart. The melody lingered on his skin like a soft blanket, embracing him with sadness. The tones weren’t happy, the melody not light-footed and lively…they were sad and Kibum heard the sorrow and the agony in every note.

It was a short piece and before he could drown completely in the emotion the melody had caused within his heart the composition ended, leaving him blank and empty. It felt bizarre. He sat on the ground, pants and boxers still pulled down his hips, semen stuck to his belly and fingers and yet he felt like crying. The composition had moved him. Kibum stood up slowly when he thought that he had managed to suppress the tears forming in the corner of his eyes and wandered over to his desk, cleaning himself up before closing his pants again. When he checked the tracklist of the CD afterwards he couldn’t find a single sign of a 15th song on it, just some last words on the last page, written neatly, almost calligraphically, on the white paper.

 

_A Broken heart is never healed._  
_It haunts you for a lifetime, waiting longingly for someone_  
_to fix it and make it whole again._

 

Kibum swallowed, not knowing what to think or do. When Jonghyun had given him the CDs he had never dared to hope that there would be such a deep meaning behind them. The memory of their talk from the previous night crossed his mind and how sad Jonghyun had looked while talking about his last girlfriend. It made his heart ache in jealousy, but he tried to ignore that feeling, kneeling down in front of his CD player to skip back. He wanted to know who had composed that soulful piece of music. He skipped to the 14th song and waited till this one ended, checking the display of his player. It jumped to the 15th song, but Kibum couldn’t hear anything and tilted his head in confusion. The track lasted for a minute before the CD played track 16. There was nothing but silence and Kibum huffed, pressing the forward button. The mysterious composition was heard on the 22nd track, a small sad smile immediately forming on Kibum’s lips. There surely was a reason why Jonghyun had mixed the CD the way he had, but why didn’t he put the song with the others on the tracklist? He pressed the repeat button before he sat down at his desk, booting his computer. Thoughts of homework were pushed far back into his mind by now.

He grabbed his mobile phone instead and opened the message Jonghyun had sent him the previous night and he smiled when he read the last part of it again. He didn’t know why, but his heart started to beat faster when he opened his internet browser and went on his Cyworld page to search for Jonghyun. To his own bafflement it had never crossed his mind over the past months to stalk the other online, but now that he had basically an ‘invitation’ to do so he was more than happy to comply. With his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, he typed down Jonghyun’s address, his heart skipping a beat when the site finished loading. The page looked really minimalistic and simple, just like Jonghyun’s room had. The white background was decorated with a small graphic with notes in the left, bottom corner. His profile picture showed him in front of a computer, a keyboard next to him. An amorous gleam appeared in Kibum’s eyes when he looked at it and he propped up his elbow on his desk, leaning his chin on his palm, his fingers mindlessly playing with his lips. Just some hours ago he had kissed the boy in the picture, just some hours ago he had hugged him…just some hours ago he had felt those musical fingers on his cheeks. He looked stupidly at the screen, lost in his own little, rose cotton world.

“You really kissed me,” he whispered at the screen, still looking at the picture.

“Oh god, he really kissed me,” he repeated a bit louder and more to himself this time, his eyes widening. A short, girly squeak left him quickly after and he swiveled on his chair like a kid, feet stomping on the ground and hands held up in front of his mouth. It was at this very moment that it finally dawned on him that he hadn’t dreamed anything of the last night, that he had got what he had longed for. He had experienced so much luck in the past weeks, he couldn’t quite believe it.

He immediately added Jonghyun’s page, because for most parts the page was set on private and to his misfortune, Kibum wasn’t able to see any entries, comments or additional photos. He sighed when he closed the page after several minutes of blunt staring. The secret around the 22nd track still wasn’t solved and Kibum felt challenged but hesitated to add Jonghyun on his chatting program. Jonghyun had said he should if he wanted to, right? Kibum tapped his chin, silently battling with himself. He squinted his eyes when he opened MSN and logged in. Maybe he should wait? He didn’t want to look like he was desperate for contact. Kibum swore under his breath when the obsessed part in him won the battle and added Jonghyun to his contact list. His breath hitched when he saw the other pop up on his contact list, his avatar outlined by a green frame, signalizing that Jonghyun was online. Kibum stared at the icon for several seconds, not knowing what to do next when a chat window opened with a beeping sound. He flinched, his cheeks blushing in an instant.

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Didn’t you want to do your homework? ^-^

 

He couldn’t suppress the smile that crept onto his lips. How was it even possible that one simple sentence could make him grin like an idiot? Kibum felt a warm fuzzy feeling spreading out in his stomach and he leaned forward, typing an answer.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
I wanted to, but I got distracted…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
How come? :O

 

Kibum laughed a little. The other one really seemed to like emoticons.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Because of your favorite songs! Thank you again for the CDs. <3  
Who composed the piano piece at the end? You didn’t write it down on the track list.

Writing seemed to have the same effect on Kibum as alcohol had. Maybe it was easier to talk to Jonghyun, because he didn’t need to face him and could just write down his thoughts instead?

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Did you like the track?

 

Kibum hesitated. That wasn’t an answer to his question at all.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Yeah, sure I did. It was beautiful, but also really sad. The person who composed it surely was heart-broken.

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
^-^

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Huh? What’s wrong?

 

Kibum raised one of his eyebrows, looking at the screen skeptically. To answer with a smiley was not really appropriate in this situation.

 

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Nothing. Yeah, the composer was really heartbroken, but he’s fine again. (o^__^o)

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
How do you know?

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Because I was the one who composed it…

 

Kibum’s bottom lip dropped when he read the last text message and he stared at the chat window blankly. The composition still played in the background and the melody suddenly seemed to intensify, every note ringing through Kibum’s body.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
O_O

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
xD  
Why so shocked?

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
…  
Because the melody is so heartbreaking…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
And? Don’t you think I can compose something heartbreaking?

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Nononoo…well, you always seem so bright and happy, but this composition emits such sadness. I…uhm…I’m just surprised…yeah…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
There are many sides to a man, Kibum. ^-^v

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Did you compose it after your last girlfriend broke up with you?

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Yeah.

 

Nothing but a simple ‘yeah’ was the answer and Kibum already regretted his decision to ask Jonghyun something like that so bluntly when the chat window blinked again.

 

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Oh, I just saw that you added me on Cyworld. Your profile picture is cute. ^-^ The glasses suit you. Do you usually wear them? I’ve never seen you with some.

 

Nice topic change, Kibum thought and sighed, his hand tapping his forehead.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Well, they annoy the hell out of me, that’s why I barely wear them, but yeah…actually I should wear them continuously.

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Haha…same here. Try contacts…they are less annoying ^-^

 

Kibum laughed silently, opening his internet browser again to go on his homepage. There was a blinking symbol in the corner of the page that told him that he had a new friend and a new comment in his comment box.

 

_**“Kibum…seriously, your page has more colors than my paint set! O.O Quite scary…and pink as font color?**_  
_**…**_  
_**Don’t know what to say to that. “**_

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
It’s not that colorful!

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
I suffered from eye cancer after visiting your page. :P

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You’re really stupid sometimes…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
(=^__________________^=)

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
…  
A cat smiley won’t make it better

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
But you wrote in your profile that you like kittens.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
But you’re not a kitten, weirdo…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
But I can purr like one! I’ll show you sometime if you want.

 

Kibum didn’t know if he should laugh, cry or feel aroused. He had to admit that Jonghyun had found a very nice and subtle way of flirting with him. The high school student bit his lip before he clicked on Jonghyun’s homepage again, the site looking slightly different now. He was able to see his complete profile, his past entries, a comment box and picture albums. He immediately clicked on one of the albums, which was called “Me, myself and I” in English and was greeted by a huge collection of self-portraits.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
A camwhore, aren’t we?

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Are you checking out my albums? ^-^

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Yepp. :P

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
^-^  
You don’t have any photo albums on your page. : (

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
: (

 

Kibum typed as an answer but sat on his chair with a smile. It was fun to talk to Jonghyun online and get a new insight of his character. Maybe they would get even closer through the chatting. Kibum looked at every single photo of Jonghyun with delight, smiled when he saw how Jonghyun pulled a stupid face on one of the pictures and squealed silently when Jonghyun tried to look cute on another. Jonghyun definitely knew that he looked good, but who could blame him for it. Absentmindedly Kibum saved some of the really adorable pictures into a new folder, his eyes suddenly widening when he saw the older one dressed up as a slutty girl.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You cross-dressed?????????????????

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Yeah. xD

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
????????

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
I was 16 and still played in a band with some friends. We wanted to try something different for a change so we played a small gig dressed up as girls. xD

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You look like a slut…

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Thanks? xD

 

Kibum shook his head and laughed, definitely saving the picture for bad times when he needed something to cheer him up.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Damn, you’re weirder than I thought. :P

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
>:D  
Call me the devil in disguise. I just look friendly on the outside. :P

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Who said that you’re looking friendly?:P

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
*pouting smiley*

 

The use of this smiley was more cuteness than Kibum could possibly handle and he clasped his hand in front of his mouth to prevent his mother from hearing the loud ‘awwwwww’ that left his lips shortly after. If he hadn’t been madly in love with the other one already Kibum was sure that the use of this smiley would make him fall for Jonghyun right away.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
I’m sorry, don’t pout. 

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
*pouting smiley*

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
*hands you a cookie*

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Wow…so you actually do have smilies after all. I was already wondering how a boy with a Cyworld homepage on ecstasy can have no smilies. :P

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You’re so not funny…and stop harassing my homepage!

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Does your homepage look like your bedroom? O______O

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Why?

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Need to know if I have to take sunglasses with me when I come over. :P

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Who said you’re invited?

 

If Jonghyun fooled around he could do so too. He enjoyed the playful teasing because it was a new experience. Kibum wasn’t yet able to act like that in front of Jonghyun, but to do it online was relieving.

 

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Oh…that one hurt.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
<3

 

They chatted like that for five hours straight before Jonghyun had to stop the conversation because his parents had come home. Kibum felt fidgety and hyper afterwards and couldn’t concentrate on anything else than the short boy with the big, brown eyes. With a bright smile on his lips, he went to the bathroom to take a shower in a hopeless attempt to compose himself. He desperately tried to concentrate on his homework afterwards, but every few seconds his thoughts would drift to things Jonghyun had written, making him hyper all over again.

Being in love really wasn’t easy.

***

“Jinki, can I copy your maths homework? I couldn’t finish it,” Kibum asked the next day before school started, both already sitting in their classroom.

“Why couldn’t you finish it?” the older one curiously asked, already pulling out his math homework to hand it over.

“Jonghyun,” Kibum said with a soft sigh and thanked Jinki as he gave him the sheets.

“Oh, Kibum…I actually didn’t want to ask you before lunch, because I was afraid you wouldn’t stop talking when I asked you how things went on Saturday, but I guess this won’t work,” Jinki said with an unhappy face and greeted another student, who entered the room with a short nod.

“He kissed me.”

Jinki’s eyes widened in surprise and he came nearer with his chair, leaning over to Kibum.

“What? You mean…seriously?”

“Yeah,” the younger one said happily, scanning Jinki’s handwriting to copy his answers into his own worksheets.

“Wow…well…uhm…congratulations? I don’t know what to say…really…wow…that’s unexpected,” Jinki babbled, throwing his hands up in the air.

“I know, right? I was just as surprised, but yeah…he really did kiss me…and Jinki…it was so…so…amazing,” Kibum swooned over the kiss and looked at Jinki for a second before he concentrated on copying the math homework again.

“That’s good to hear…that’s wow…I’m happy for you. So I guess you’re taken now, huh?” Jinki grinned, nudging the younger one playfully into the side.

When Kibum pulled a face Jinki leaned back, checking the other’s expression.

“Not?”

“I don’t know. It’s…he’s making me crazy, you know…I mean literally. I always thought when you kiss the one you love you’re automatically together with that person, but I guess…this was pretty naïve to think. I…I just don’t know…I know that he likes me and…yeah, he’s the one who kissed me, but still…I don’t know if I’m in a relationship or anything close to it,” Kibum whined, pressing the tip of his pencil harder than necessary onto the paper.

“Oh my…teenagers and their problems,” Jinki sighed and held up his hands when the younger sent him a death glare.

“Jinki…you’re one too,” he said matter-of-factly, pointing with his pencil at the other.

“Yeah, I forget that sometimes,” Jinki shrugged, tousling his black, disheveled hair with a frown.

***

Kibum and Jinki sat at their favorite table in the canteen during lunchtime, talking about the history test they were going to write next week when Kibum suddenly felt a small, familiar hand ruffling his hair. He almost choked on his sandwich when he turned his head to see Jonghyun standing behind him with a smile. It almost felt like a déjà vu. Jonghyun had not once come up to him during lunch time since Kibum took guitar lessons and so the stunned and baffled look the younger one gave Jonghyun wasn’t too surprising.

“What are you doing here?” he asked muffled, his mouth still full with remains of his sandwich. He blushed when he noticed it, immediately raising his hand to cover his mouth.

“Hello to you too,” Jonghyun just grinned, taking a seat on the bench next to Kibum. “Hi Jinki,” he added with a friendly smile when he saw the other looking at him just as surprised as Kibum had done.

“Hi,” said one mumbled with a raised hand, mouth full of chicken salad.

“I thought I should come by and say hi. So here I am…hi,” Jonghyun grinned childishly, batting his lashes at Kibum in a joking manner. While Jinki silently laughed Kibum just blushed even further, turning his head to look at his plate in front of him.

“Did you already eat?” Kibum asked, not daring to look up at the other one who sat way too close to him.

“Naah…my music theory class has just finished. Mr. Song thought it’s okay to overdraw the lesson to tell us something of the awesomeness that is Palestrina,” Jonghyun sighed and fixed his bangs.

“What or who is Palestrina?” Kibum promptly asked, the foreign name difficult to pronounce for him.

“He was an Italian Renaissance composer of sacred music in the 16th century. He had a big influence on the church music back then,” Jinki answered with a nod before Jonghyun had even the chance to answer. Two pairs of surprised eyes wandered instantly to Jinki who just shrugged and led another spoonful of chicken salad to his mouth.

“Wow…I’m impressed,” Jonghyun complimented while Kibum just mumbled under his breath. Now he looked like a total loser and idiot because he didn’t even know a fucking, long dead composer from Europe. Who cared about someone who was already dead and long gone? Kibum knew he didn’t.

“Why do you know that?” the older asked interested and Kibum inwardly rolled his eyes. Was that a spark of jealousy in him?

“Oh well…I read a lot,” Jinki said after a moment of hesitation, noticing the clear discontent in Kibum’s face.

“Oh okay.”

There was a moment of short, awkward silence in which Jinki occupied himself with even more chicken salad, Jonghyun tapped his fingers on the table and Kibum tried to not overreact. There was no need to be jealous because Jinki apparently knew more about music than he did.

“Want some sandwich?” Kibum asked peacefully instead, holding up the still untouched half of his white bread sandwich with mayonnaise, salad, cheese, egg, and tomato.

“But it’s yours,” Jonghyun said, his hand already making a refusing gesture.

“It’s okay. You can have it. I won’t eat it anyway,” he said with an indifferent shrug. It was a lie because it was Kibum’s favorite kind of sandwich, but he wanted to take care of the other one for a reason he didn’t really know himself.

“Really?” the older asked, unsure.

“Yeah, just take it. I don’t want you to starve or anything,” Kibum mumbled the last part and gave the sandwich to the other who thanked him with a little bow and a smile that made the little Jonghyun’s in Kibum’s stomach dance wildly.

For Kibum it felt odd to spend the lunchtime with both Jonghyun and Jinki because it was usually the time he would talk about Jonghyun with Jinki, but now he wasn’t able to do so and couldn’t ask Jinki for other life-sustaining chicken metaphors. Jonghyun waved both of them goodbye when the bell rang, the ring signalizing that the students had exactly 5 minutes to clean their places in the canteen and go back to their classrooms.

“He’s all over you…seriously…I mean…don’t you see that?” Jinki whispered into Kibum’s ear on their way to their math class. Kibum looked at him skeptically, not sure if he should trust the judgment of a chicken lover in this matter.

“Just the way he looks and smiles at you…wow…it’s exactly the same way you look when you’re talking about him. I’m not kidding,” Jinki stated, settling down at his place when they reached their classroom.

“Are you sure?” Kibum asked, insecure, placing his bag on the ground and grabbing his notes.

“Dead certain! Why are you that insecure about yourself? Kibum, he even kissed you!” He hissed quietly, leaning closer to the younger one.

“I don’t know. I just…I’m not used to the feeling that somebody possibly could return my feelings,” the younger sighed, his cheek placed on the surface of his table.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re cute, friendly, interesting, intelligent…what is there not to like about you?” Jinki shrugged and patted Kibum’s shoulder encouragingly, the younger one looking at him doubtfully.

“Yeah, because of my awesomeness I have so unbelievably many friends,” he responded sarcastically; his mouth forming a pout.

“People who don’t like you are plain stupid. Don’t care about them. I may repeat myself now…but seriously…Jonghyun really is in love with you. It’s as plain to see as the nose on your face!”

 

**Chapter 9**

 

It took Kibum longer than usual to show up at the music room in which Jonghyun always gave him guitar lessons. The reason for it was his biology teacher who thought it was a good idea to distribute presentation topics to every single student in Kibum’s class in the last 5 minutes of the lesson. He hated presentations with a passion, especially when he had to do them alone. Kibum didn’t like to talk in front of people, didn’t like it when people stared at him. Staring made him nervous and insecure.

With an exhausted sigh, he entered the music room, sending the older one a weak smile when Jonghyun looked up from his guitar.

“What’s wrong?” Jonghyun asked worryingly as soon as the tiny smile on the other’s lips vanished.

“School sucks, that’s all,” he answered with a huff, slumping down on the chair next to Jonghyun, his guitar bag awkwardly hanging over his shoulder in this position.

“What happened?”

“My biology teacher thought it’s a good idea to hand out topics for presentations. I hate presentations,” Kibum whined, placing both hands in front of his eyes in a theatrical manner after putting the guitar bag next to the chair.

“What’s the topic?” Jonghyun immediately asked with a soft smile, leaning forward to gently brush a strand of hair out of Kibum’s face. The younger shuddered under the touch, not daring to look at the other one when he answered. It felt odd to see Jonghyun touch him so obviously.

“I have to do one about the mitochondrion, the powerhouse of the cell. I also have to build a model of it. I really don’t want to,” he sighed, sulking like a kid. Kibum loved art, but to construct some part of a cell wasn’t all that attractive to him.

“Oh, so you have Mrs. Yang in biology? I also had her in class 10 and had to do a presentation about the cell nucleus. I got an A,” Jonghyun chuckled quietly, his fingers still mindlessly playing with Kibum’s hair. His laughing stopped when Kibum just sighed and he leaned forward till he was on eye-level with the younger one.

“I can help you. How much time did she give you?”

“Two weeks.”

“Oh…we’ll manage it till then,” Jonghyun said enthusiastically, hand reaching out to squeeze Kibum’s reassuringly. Kibum couldn’t deny that he liked the change in Jonghyun’s behavior towards him. He liked the touches…he really enjoyed them.

“Don’t you have anything to do for school? You’re in your last year…isn’t the last year all about learning to get the highest score or something?” Kibum asked cautiously, slowly looking up to meet those big eyes in front of him. He was sure his heart skipped a beat when Jonghyun smiled at him.

“I already had my admission exam at the beginning of this year. As long as my GP isn't below 3.0 my place at a college of music is already safe. I had practical and theoretical tests and passed with 100% so I just need to manage the last exams here somehow. I will be fine,” Jonghyun explained with a grin, playing with Kibum’s fingers like they were an instrument.

“Oh okay,” Key nodded understandingly, staring down at his hand that was held by Jonghyun’s. A moment of awkward silence aroused before Jonghyun started to chuckle lowly. Kibum immediately looked up, confusion clearly visible in his eyes.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know. I just needed to laugh at myself, because I can’t seem to stop touching you…and yeah, I’m sorry,” he said embarrassedly and pulled his hands away from the younger one.

“Don’t be. I’m not complaining am I?” he said bravely, being a bit surprised by his own words. Maybe chatting made things a bit easier in real life too. He lowered his gaze when Jonghyun looked up at him again, the grin on his lips visibly widening. Why did Jonghyun always make him feel like a stupid teenage girl?

“Yah Kibum…it was really nice to chat with you yesterday. We should do that more often. It’s fun,” the elder stated, nudging his knee playfully against Kibum’s.

“Yeah, you just need to control the massive amount of smilies you use, you know.”

“But chatting is all about emoticons. You can tell whole stories with them,” Jonghyun responded, sounding a tad offended.

“Maybe we should get started with the lesson. I didn't have much time to practice, though,” Kibum veered off, scratching his head absentmindedly and not wanting to start a discussion over smilies now.

“How come?” Jonghyun grinned stupidly and tilted his head to the side.

“There was some dork who kept me occupied for the whole weekend,” Kibum answered sternly and batted his lashes at Jonghyun who pulled a face that looked exactly like the blue, little pouting smiley he had used the day before. Jonghyun looked way too precious and Kibum bit on his bottom lip to suppress any childish vocal outburst.

“I’m too nice I guess. I don’t take your money anymore and what do I get? A boy who calls me a dork in return…awesome,” Jonghyun said dramatically and threw his hands up into the air.

“I said I continue to pay you,” Kibum shrugged, but already regretted his words when Jonghyun raised an eyebrow and looked at him thoughtfully for a second.

“You want to pay me? Well…,” Jonghyun started to grin all of a sudden, one fingertip brushing his lips.

“Kisses sound like a good payment,” he eventually said, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

Kibum rolled his eyes at first, but then he started to blush, his eyes searching something to focus on that wasn’t Jonghyun.

“You’re being ridiculous,” he muttered and grabbed his guitar bag to unzip it.

“Why are you blushing?” Jonghyun still grinned, chuckling when the blush on the other’s cheeks just intensified.

“We’re in school. You shouldn’t talk about such things here,” Kibum murmured, reserved, concentrating on opening the bag.

“Aww… come on, don’t play innocent, Kibum. You can also get home-schooled. Wow…that sounds kind of dirty,” Jonghyun laughed, holding a hand in front of his mouth. Even though Kibum didn’t want to he couldn’t hold back the giggle that left his lips; Jonghyun’s laugh was just too infectious.

“You’re really stupid,” the younger smiled, the blush still visible on his cheeks.

“Yeah, probably I am. I spend my time with you, so I really have to be stupid,” Jonghyun retorted with a cocky grin, holding his hands up in defense when Kibum sent him a glare.

“Just kidding. I’m happy that I met you,” he added more seriously, looking at Kibum warmly.

“Don’t say such things. I just continue to blush,” Kibum whined, pressing his palms against his hot cheeks, the action making him look like a fish.

“But it’s cute.”

“Dork!”

Jonghyun just tilted his head, looking over at Kibum with innocent eyes before he grabbed his own guitar and placed it on his lap.

“But seriously, wouldn’t it be nicer to…’transfer’ our little guitar lessons to somewhere…more…private in future?” Jonghyun asked naively, eyes clearly avoiding Kibum and focussing on the guitar. Private sounded so ominous and tempting to Kibum that he immediately tried to think of little, fluffy bunnies instead of him and Jonghyun naked and sweaty on his bed. Teenager hormones could be so strenuous.

“Kibum?”

Said one flinched; eyes wide and cheeks reddening yet again as Jonghyun looked at him questioningly. Apparently, the image of cute bunnies hadn’t helped to keep the fantasies of him and Jonghyun away.

“Yeah?” he asked hesitantly, his voice a pitch higher and more insecure than usual.

“What do you think of my suggestion?”

“Uhm…well…,” he stammered, his fingertips nervously playing around with the neck of the guitar. “What about the other lessons you give after mine?” Kibum tried to sound reasonable, swallowing the big lump in his throat. It was so hard to be insecure and horny at the same time because it made things more complicated than they actually were.

“We could meet when I don’t give lessons. I’m always free on Fridays,” Jonghyun smiled at him, mindlessly plucking the strings on his guitar.

“So we…we meet up just once…instead of twice a week?” He sounded more shocked and disappointed than he had intended to be, but he couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the other less than normally.

“Well…I mean we would have more time on Fridays and there are still lunch breaks, weekends and other chances to meet up…like your biology project,” The elder explained, his brows furrowed in concentration. The choice of Jonghyun’s words made Kibum smile a little bit, ‘other chances to meet up’ sounded promising.

“Sounds okay,” he said with a small nod, sending Jonghyun a shy smile when the older one started to smirk.

***

Kibum had spent Thursday night tidying up his room, hiding things no one but him should see and hyperventilate over ridiculous things. He had been nervous when Jonghyun had asked him to sleep over at his house, but since Jonghyun had literally invited himself over with his guitar during lunch on Wednesday Kibum was a mess. He knew that there wasn’t anything he needed to worry about, he knew Jonghyun by know, he knew that they got along awesomely well, they even had kissed during the sleepover and he knew that Jonghyun really had started to like him, why else should he still bother with him?

The thing was that all those little facts made Kibum even more anxious because he didn’t have to dream of Jonghyun anymore. He could face him and talk to him every day and this reality scared him in a way. He wasn’t used to dating or whatever he should call the thing that was going on between him and the elder, and he was afraid he would fuck things up before they had even started. In his dreams, everything was always fine and hot, sweet and satisfying, but in reality, he feared that he would bore Jonghyun sooner or later or that Jonghyun noticed what an ugly and weird person Kibum really was.

To top the mess in his head they would meet up in his room, his own four walls, his castle, his hiding place, the place in which he dreamed of Jonghyun, in which he masturbated thinking of him. He would bring Jonghyun to this place and it felt weird and frightened him. Kibum wanted the other to like his room, wanted him to feel at home, but he knew that the room emanated everything the older didn’t like and that made Kibum crazy.

Kibum didn’t sleep a wink that night and rose up from his bed an hour before the buzzing of his alarm clock went off. Usually, he didn’t see his mum in the morning because she headed off to work before he woke up, but when he went to the kitchen after taking a cold shower this morning he saw her standing at the kitchen counter, coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other.

“Morning,” he mumbled, shuffling over to the fridge to grab a bottle of banana milk.

“Oh, good morning sweety, why are you already awake? It’s not even six,” she asked astonished, looking up from the newspaper in her hands. She still looked pretty young for her age, just some tiny wrinkles around her eyes showing that she wasn’t in her twenties anymore, and when she smiled it was clearly visible who Kibum had got most of his delicate looking features from.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he murmured, putting the straw into the little plastic bottle and taking a sip. He was tired as hell, even after the shower and still his heart was racing so fast that his body couldn’t find any rest.

“How come?” she asked, worry noticeable in her voice and she placed her cup on the counter behind her, putting her hand on his forehead to check his temperature. It was a habit of hers, her job as a nurse at the central hospital in Seoul not ever coming to a rest even when she was at home.

“I’m not sick mum. It’s okay…I just…school is a bit stressful at the moment,” he lied with a weak nod, sighing when his mum started to massage his neck.

“Don’t overwork yourself, Kibum. I know school is hard, but don’t overdo it, okay? Sleep is important especially in your age,” she said in a motherly tone before she stroked her son’s hair lovingly. “You grew up to be such a handsome boy. It seems just like yesterday that you sat down on the ground crying and I put a purple ribbon on your head to make you stop.”  
Kibum smiled at her before he leaned down and gave her a short hug. Sometimes it felt good to be treated like a child again and to find rest in the arms of the person who raised you. Kibum was sure that life as a child had been a lot easier.

***

“Another sleepless night, huh?” Jinki asked him when he entered the classroom and found Kibum with his forehead resting on the table.

“Yeah,” Kibum sighed, lifting his head a bit to see his friend settling down in the seat next to his.

“It’s about him, I guess. What is it this time?” the older grinned, quite amused by the fact that he could read Kibum like an open book.

“The usual. I’m nervous, don’t know how to deal with everything, have no idea how to act…the apocalypse is near, you name it,” Kibum exaggerated with big gestures, widening his eyes in fear as to underline his frustration.

“He comes over today, doesn’t he?” Jinki remembered, opening his school bag to take out his notebook and school books.

“Yeah,” the younger whined, rubbing his temples in a soothing manner.

“You know you will be fine, so why are you hyperventilating?”

“Because that’s my nature, Jinki. I just get scared when I face an unknown situation…and Jonghyun in my room is like…everything I’ve dreamed of and everything I’m afraid of at the same time, you know,” he murmured, placing his head back on the table; this time his cheek resting on the surface so he still could look over at his friend. Since Jonghyun had decided to join them for lunch on a regular basis his only chance to talk over Jonghyun with Jinki had been before class and it was unnerving because he missed Jinki’s calmness in this matter and how his encouraging words always proved to be true in the end. He still had to thank the other one for dragging him to the music room to meet Jonghyun in the first place.

“You really need to relax more, Kibum. Jonghyun is such a laid back person he will handle everything for both of you…I know that and you know that…even the chicken I had last night knew it! So why are you still worrying?” Jinki pointed out matter-of-factly, placing his school bag on the ground next to his seat.

“Because I’m in love and a person in love tends to be insane and unreasonable?” Kibum asked hesitantly, a joking tone audible in his tired voice.

“You’re probably right,” Jinki laughed silently with a nod. “But seriously, just calm down. He won’t eat you alive.”

“What a pity!” Kibum mumbled under his breath but still loud enough to be heard by the other.

“Cannibalism? Uh, Kibum…I didn’t know you had this side to you,” the elder uttered and laughed when the other stuck out his tongue at him.

Sometimes Kibum felt sorry for Jinki because the older was so involved in his love life without being asked. He couldn’t remember the last time they had carried on a conversation that had lacked Jonghyun’s name. But Jinki was a good person and Kibum knew that his continuous whining didn’t really bother him, maybe it even made him a bit happy to be able to help Kibum out without having any dating experience himself.

***

“You really want to come home with me?” Kibum asked a little shaky when he exited the school with Jonghyun that day.

“Yeah, why are you asking this all the time? Are you hiding dead bodies in your closet or don’t you want to hang out with me?” the last part of his sentence sounded a bit sad, which made Kibum’s heart ache a little. He knew that he was rude, but bringing Jonghyun home was a really big thing for him and he didn’t know if he was ready for all that. His thoughts were childish and he was pretty aware of it, but he couldn’t change it no matter how hard he tried. Kibum wanted everything to be perfect, but just the image of Jonghyun standing in his room with big eyes, shocked and speechless, blinded by all the colors made him feel sick to his stomach.

“No…no…I’m sorry. I just…I’m nervous,” he sighed after a while, playing anxiously with his hair.

“Aww, Kibum. It’s me. You really shouldn’t be nervous anymore. Just relax.”

It was scary how much Jonghyun sounded like Jinki at this very moment and it was even scarier that Jinki seemed to be right yet again. Was this guy some chicken psychic?

“I’ll try,” he answered eventually but bit his lip in the next moment. “I hope you won’t run away when you see my room.”

“I won’t. I promise,” Jonghyun chuckled, ruffling Kibum’s hair who tried unsuccessfully to dodge away from the mistreatment of his hair. “Besides I’m really curious. When I can’t sleep I often ask myself what your room might look like.”

“You do?” Kibum asked, surprise ringing in his voice, cheeks blushing slightly.

“Yeah, I do. All the colors I imagine make me dizzier and sleepier than counting sheep,” he grinned, nudging Kibum with his shoulder.

It took them half an hour to get to Kibum’s apartment and even though Jonghyun’s lame jokes on the subway had made him feel more at ease than before he tensed when he unlocked the door to the flat he lived in with his mum.

“The apartment is not that big,” he announced, almost apologizing when they entered the little corridor and took off their shoes. Jonghyun just smiled at him, put his shoes aside and immediately scanned the hallway with his eyes. Kibum observed him nervously, trying to notice any kind of bad reaction Jonghyun could show.

“It looks welcoming,” Jonghyun said after several seconds with a genuine smile on his face, much to Kibum’s relief.

“Kibum?” he heard his mum’s voice and when he looked up he saw her looking through the kitchen door with plain surprise written all over her face. Maybe he should have mentioned that he brought someone along beforehand? But before Kibum could explain anything Jonghyun was already walking up to her, bowing in a perfect 45-degree angle.

“Good afternoon Mrs. Kim. My name is Kim Jonghyun. I’m a friend of your son. It’s nice to meet you,” he said politely, smiling sincerely at her. Kibum just wanted to sigh in adoration as he saw how Jonghyun handled even such a situation perfectly. His mum, however, looked a bit startled at first but responded the smile when she heard the word ‘friend’ leaving Jonghyun’s lips.

“Nice to meet you too, Jonghyun,” she said with a warm smile and then looked over at Kibum. Her face told Kibum more than he wanted to know and he was sure that she knew. She was his mother after all and of course, she knew. After all, she had waited for the day to come since he had hit puberty. Jinki had already mentioned for several times that Kibum looked different when Jonghyun was around so why should it be any different now? He was sure she noticed it, but he didn’t want to think about it now.

“I forgot to tell you that he comes along. I’m sorry. Jonghyun is the one who gives me guitar lessons and the one I slept over at, mum,” he tried to sound nonchalant but knew that he failed when her smile got just a little wider. “We’re in my room,” he added quickly before she could say something and he gave Jonghyun’s school uniform jacket a little tug when he passed him. Jonghyun just bowed again before he turned around and followed Kibum to his room.

“Wow, she looks just like you…well, like you in a female and older version.”

That was the first thing Jonghyun said in astonishment after Kibum closed the door behind them.

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded with a sigh and placed his school bag into the nearest corner. Kibum stood a bit awkwardly in his own room when Jonghyun eyes started to wander through his room. Kibum followed his every move; saw his eyes scanning the pink wall to his right and the big pinboard hanging there with lots of notes, quotes, and pictures of fashion and nature, followed him when his eyes wandered over to his white bed, his sheets a loud green. At this moment he would have loved to look into Jonghyun’s head and it depressed him that he couldn’t because the other’s face didn’t show any kind of emotion.

“And, do you need sunglasses?” he asked carefully when Jonghyun’s peregrination stopped at the white desk in the corner, a white computer monitor with an attached webcam standing on it. Jonghyun laughed, shaking his head before walking to the pinboard, taking a closer look at all the pictures.

“Your room is pretty unique and it tells a lot about you. I like that despite the jazzy colors,” he said with a grin, causing Kibum’s posture to relax automatically.

“Of course life is a bitch. If it was a slut, it would be easy,” Jonghyun read one of the many quotes written in fancy letters and colors and laughed lowly. “That’s true,” he grinned and moved his eyes over to the other quotes.

“People always think that the most painful thing in life is losing the one you value. The truth is, the most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of valuing someone too much and forgetting that you are special too…wow, this one is deep,” Jonghyun commented and looked over at Kibum who still stood near the door. It felt weird. It was his room and still, he seemed like a foreigner in it.

“I found it on the internet and thought it’s quite awesome,” Kibum nodded and slowly went over to his bed to sit down on it. He watched Jonghyun’s back from there, the straps of his guitar bag still cutting into the other’s shoulders.

“It is.” Kibum saw him nodding in agreement. It was odd that Jonghyun was really standing in his room. He looked so misplaced and still he was the most beautiful decoration Kibum ever had the chance to lay his eyes on.

“Oh, who is this little, cute baby girl with a purple ribbon on her head in this picture?” Jonghyun asked, turned his head to Kibum and pointed at the picture he had looked at. Kibum smiled, amused.

“That’s me,” he grinned, grabbing his pillow to hug it in his lap.

“Oh,” Jonghyun’s eyes widened before he smiled. “You were a cute baby…well, with a ribbon on your head,” the elder commented jokingly and finally dropped the guitar bag off his shoulder to place it against the wall.

“When I cried my mum always put the ribbon on my head to make me stop. It always worked,” Kibum shrugged and watched Jonghyun walking over to him. His heart made a little jump when the other decided to sit down next to him.

“Really? That’s kind of cute,” he admitted and turned around to look at some paintings and drawings hanging over Kibum’s bed on a white wall.

“Did you paint these?”

“Yeah, I went to an art class twice a week when I still lived near Hwacheon,” Kibum explained, letting his eyes wander swiftly over the aquarelle of a beautiful ballerina, the portrait of an old woman drawn with kohl and a colorful abstract work.

“They are beautiful,” Jonghyun said sincerely, smiling warmly at Kibum which made the younger blush yet again.

“Thanks,” he mumbled, his fingers playing with his pillow.

“Do you have a sketchbook or something for your ideas? I have one for music and write down every melody or every lyric snippet that pops up in my head randomly,” he then asked curiously, bobbing on Kibum’s bed.

“Yes, I have one,” he answered hesitantly and hoped that Jonghyun would change the topic, but he didn’t.

“Oh, can I see it. I mean…please?” Jonghyun used the most alluring puppy like stare he had witnessed so far and it made his knees weak and his heart beat faster. His fingertips clung tightly to the fabric in his hands as he shook his head no. He couldn’t show his sketchbook to Jonghyun. It would be the most embarrassing thing ever.

“Why not?”

“It’s embarrassing and no…really, I can’t show it to you. I’m sorry,” Kibum almost stuttered, looking down at his pillow to avoid those big, brown eyes staring at him.

“Well, what a pity, but I understand. I also don’t want anyone to look into my notebook,” Jonghyun complied to Kibum’s relief and stood up to get his guitar. When he sat down again the younger one looked up, following Jonghyun’s finger that softly plucked the strings to create a melody. He always loved to listen to the other’s guitar play and was totally smitten by his skills till he heard a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” he immediately said and looked over to the door, which opened after a second and revealed his smiling mum with a tray in her hands.

“I thought you two might be hungry and thirsty after a long day in school,” she said, came in and placed the tray on Kibum’s nightstand.

“Thanks, mum.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Kim,” Jonghyun repeated with a smile.

“I hope you stay for dinner, Jonghyun,” she stated with a questioning look, which caused Jonghyun to look over at Kibum.

“Yeah, he will, mum,” Kibum answered for him, making the elder smile a little bit.

“That’s nice. Then have fun practicing.”

When she left the room Kibum sighed almost in relief and rubbed the bridge of his nose before he grabbed the tray and placed it between him and Jonghyun.

“She loves it when she can take care of everyone around her. It’s tiring at times.”

“My mum is the same way. She tends to interrupt things because of her caring self,” he laughed a little before he grabbed a little tomato and put it into his mouth.

“Interrupt things?” Kibum asked, looking down at the tray, which contained small bottles with flavored milk and little white bowls with tomatoes, Gimbap, and other healthy finger food.

“Well, usually she doesn’t knock and you remember when I told you about the girl who gave me math tutoring? One day my mum came in without knocking to bring us some food…and yeah, afterwards she knew that the girl wasn’t just helping me with math. You can’t imagine how embarrassed I was. I couldn’t look her in the eye for a week and yeah, then my father came to me one evening and gave me ‘the talk’, which was even more embarrassing,” Jonghyun laughed, scratching his head a little embarrassed while Kibum just stared at him wide-eyed.

“Oh god, I would die in shame if my mum came into my room when…oh my god, I don’t even want to think about it. Why didn’t you lock your door?”

“It wasn’t planned. It just happened. We were studying and at one point one thing led to another and no one thought about locking doors anymore,” he shrugged with a boyish gleam in his eyes, biting his bottom lip as to say that he didn’t really regret anything. This action made Kibum swallow and he immediately looked down at the tray, taking a piece of Gimbap and stuffed it into his mouth. Kibum didn’t really mind Jonghyun talking of ex-girlfriends because those were in the past and long gone. They had broken Jonghyun’s heart so why should he take them back? It just made him a little sad to know that he didn’t have such stories to tell because his own book of love was blank and empty, just the kisses between him and Jonghyun neatly written down in it.

Kisses.

Thinking of them induced Kibum to gaze shyly at the elder’s lips again; all shiny and juicy from the tomato he had eaten. It had been a bad idea to look because it just made him want to kiss those lips again, those lips he hadn’t had the chance to taste in almost a week. He hadn’t seen Jonghyun outside of school during the past days and kissing in school wasn’t really something Kibum had the guts to do. Not that he had the guts to make the first move and kiss Jonghyun anyway. Not even the idea of a kiss payment had become effective yet. So it didn’t really matter and he lowered his gaze again, taking one of the little milk bottles and putting a straw into it.

Jonghyun started to play his guitar again, making Kibum almost choke on his milk when he said casually after a while, “You won’t ever kiss me even if it is something you dearly wish to do, right?”

Kibum looked up then, wiping some drops of milk from his lips just to see Jonghyun looking at him curiously and... a bit hurt? Kibum wasn’t really sure if it was hurt, but it made his heart cramp in a not so pleasant way. He then realized that Jonghyun might be a laid back person who got things done for the both of them, but that didn’t change the fact that ‘love’, a relationship…a thing wasn’t something one person could handle on his own. It needed two people to make it work, two people who put their heart and soul into one to create something beautiful and lasting.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled then and chewed on his bottom lip, feeling really stupid all of a sudden. How did he want to get closer to Jonghyun, how did he want to make him his when all he did was nothing at all, desperately waiting for Jonghyun to embrace the opportunity.

“It’s okay…I mean it’s just weird. You told me that you like me…for a while already, but you don’t …show it, you don’t even try it even if I give you the chance to. I just feel weird and kind of…I don’t know. I see it in your eyes, but you don’t act the way your eyes look and that makes me insecure even though you might not notice it,” Jonghyun tried to explain, stopping his guitar play again to use his hands for some supporting gestures. Kibum felt like crying because he knew that Jonghyun was right. He was right with everything and it hurt.  
He didn’t know how to respond so he just nodded weakly and stared down at the white plastic of his milk bottle.

Kibum heard the other sigh loudly while he took another sip of his milk to calm his nerves. Why couldn’t the milk magically change into alcohol?

“’Kay…I close my eyes now and count to ten. If you’re clever you pull yourself together, Kim Kibum,” Kibum heard the elder say with an almost authoritative sounding undertone. He blinked at first, not really understanding what Jonghyun was up to, but when he carefully looked up and saw the other with closed eyes sitting in front of him he got the hint.

“…3…4…”

Jonghyun didn’t make it to 5, Kibum’s lips pressing onto his in an awkward manner, the tray and Jonghyun’s guitar making it impossible to reach the other in a more comfortable position. But it didn’t really matter, because he kissed him, because he felt him leaning against him because he finally was able to taste him again. His heartbeat increased dangerously and he wanted more, wanted to press his tongue between Jonghyun’s lips and tangle his hands in the other’s hair, but the position didn’t leave him much choice but to break the kiss again, the muscles in his neck not liking the weird angle they were in.

“The tray…your guitar…away with it,” he breathed lowly when Jonghyun looked at him inquisitively, the elder’s eyes softening when Kibum explained the abrupt ending of their short kiss. With shaky hands Kibum took the tray, placing it back on his nightstand, hearing the dull sound of Jonghyun’s guitar landing on the floor in the background. When he turned back to the older Jonghyun was looking at him, eyes emitting a warm glow. There were so many thoughts running through Kibum’s head, most of them trying to deal with his immature self and his anxiety to do something wrong. He tried to push them all away when Jonghyun sent him an encouraging smile. There was this stunning and beautiful guy he dreamed of kissing every night and he wanted to be brave....just once and took a deep breath, repeating Jonghyun’s words like a mantra in his head… I see it in your eyes, but you don’t act the way your eyes look…

He sat on his knees then and moved closer as if an invisible rope pulled him nearer and he leaned in, his breath hitching when he invaded Jonghyun’s personal space. He was so close he cold see every pore in Jonghyun’s face, the pretty long lashes bordering his big eyes, even a little scar next to his right eye and he brought his hand up, touching Jonghyun’s face for the very first time with his fingertips. It was amazing, his skin burning and tingling under the touch.

“Oh god,” he breathed a little helplessly, his mind not working coherently anymore. He counted on his instincts then, on his desire to kiss the other, to feel and touch him, his worries thrown overboard for the time being. When Kibum kissed Jonghyun, his eyes tightly closed and his hand getting a hold of the other’s hair everything felt so overwhelming that he almost forgot to breathe. Jonghyun’s hair was so soft like he had imagined it to be and he let his fingers run through it over and over again, the ends tickling his fingertips. His back straightened and Jonghyun had to lift his chin to kiss the younger back because Kibum was way taller in this position.

Kibum had thought that nothing could ever top the beautiful experience of his first kiss, because it had been new and adventurous, but this was so much better. The kiss was bolder and not occupied with his thoughts and worries of doing something wrong. He just trusted his feelings and drowned in the sensation. Kibum shuddered when he felt one of Jonghyun’s hands roaming his back carefully, the other wandering over his neck and up to his chin. He pressed his tongue against the other’s lips then, ravaging Jonghyun’s mouth like a lion would ravage its prey on its first hunt. He was inexperienced, sloppy and he was sure he used too much teeth and tongue at times, but what he lacked in technique he compensated with dedication and enthusiasm. It’s how a bird must feel the first time it’s allowed to fly, he thought when he sucked on Jonghyun’s tongue, his eagerness making the elder smile into the kiss in contentment.

Kibum didn’t know how long they sat in this position and made out, but he had to break the kiss involuntary to fill his lungs with oxygen again. He looked at Jonghyun with glazed eyes when he breathed in heavily, his hands resting on the other’s shoulder and neck. The elder’s lips were beautifully red and swollen, a tiny drop of blood becoming visible on the right side of the bottom one where Kibum had bitten down a little too eagerly.

“This…wow…if I had known that my words affect you in this way…I…wow,” Jonghyun grinned sheepishly, his face flushed and his hair disheveled.

“I…I’m sorry. I think I got carried away,” Kibum answered a little embarrassed and lowered his head with a boyish grin that told everyone who was able to see it that he wasn’t sorry at all.

 

**Chapter 10**

 

Jonghyun grinned, his fingertip touching his bottom lip reassuringly to find a small red spot lingering on the skin when he withdrew it again and looked at it.

“Got carried away? Sounds good to me. This was a so much better payment than money,” he smiled stupidly, tilting his head to the side.

“Thought so,” Kibum answered humbly, gaze lowered and his fingers fumbling with his bed sheets. He had loved every second of touching and kissing Jonghyun, had loved to feel the other more actively, but still, he felt slightly embarrassed for getting so easily excited about relatively small things like kissing. He shouldn’t act all euphoric like a prepubescent teenager when he kissed someone who had definitely more experience than him. He should act more mature, shouldn’t he?

He lost his train of thought when he felt a warm hand caressing his flushed cheek and a pair of plush, chapped lips pressing little kisses against the curve of his jaw. He immediately started to shudder, feeling his nipples perk up and press against the fabric of his white shirt. Kibum didn’t flinch away nor did he hesitate in responding the caress, leaning into the touch, his fingers finding their way to Jonghyun’s arms. It still felt so unreal that his crush sat on his bed, in his room and was obviously enjoying the shared intimacy as much as Kibum did.

Jonghyun’s lips didn’t move further to Kibum’s mouth even though the younger desperately hoped for it. Instead, they wandered over his cheek, up to his temples and his forehead, finishing the sweet torture with a butterfly kiss on Kibum’s nose. When the younger one opened his eyes Jonghyun smiled at him warmly, fingertips stroking away some strands of hair out of his face.

“There can’t be anything better than kissing a cute guy on a Friday night, can it?” he joked and withdrew his hand to place it into his lap.

“I don’t think many Korean guys would agree with you on that matter,” Kibum responded meekly, a sigh leaving his lips.

“Doesn’t matter, does it? All the better for me, I guess.”

Kibum’s heart automatically beat faster and he nibbled on his bottom lip, staring down at his lap. He just needed to bring up the courage to ask him. There wasn’t much that could go wrong, could it? Kibum tousled his hair a little helplessly, a pout framing his plush lips.

“What is it?” Jonghyun asked worriedly, fingers reaching out to stroke the other’s hand. The soft touch made Kibum’s skin tingle and he shuddered, taking a deep breath before he slowly looked up, insecurity lingering in his eyes.

“I…I don’t know how to say that. I’ve never been in this situation before…so…I feel kind of planless,” he started hesitantly, trying to relax under the reassuring caress of Jonghyun’s fingers on his hand.

“Then just try?” Jonghyun said a little unsure, a frown appearing on his forehead. This sentence made Kibum laugh a little weakly and he pressed his lips into a thin line, trying to concentrate.

“I’m trying,” he uttered with a weak nod, trying to look everywhere but at Jonghyun. “I don’t want to sound…pushy or clingy…or…oh that’s so hard and embarrassing,” Kibum growled, frustrated; the palm of his free hand pressing against his forehead.

“You’re talking nonsense right now and I can’t really follow your train of thought, Kibum,” Jonghyun grinned softly, fingers still fondling the younger one’s hands.

“I know,” Kibum sighed, closing his eyes for a second. “I…what am I to you, Jonghyun? I mean I don’t really know where I stand with you…I guess I…I just overdramatize things again, but…everything is so new and I’m not used to someone who kind of cares for me? If you care at all…and…we never really talked about anything and I’m afraid and anxious…and now everything just happened so fast…and the kissing…and touching…and being with you…that’s…oh god…I talk rubbish and act like a complete idiot. I’m so sorry,” Kibum stopped suddenly, covering his face with his hands in embarrassment.

He tended to wander off the topic when he was nervous and overchallenged, tended to forget what he wanted to say in the first place and let his feelings out without thinking twice about them. When he suddenly felt a pair of arms that embraced him he tensed for a second, not really daring to take his hands away from his face. Why couldn’t he just act his age and not whine like a girl all the time? When he felt a soft-spoken ‘I’m sorry’ near his cheek he perked up his ears in confusion.

“Why are you sorry?” he whispered, avoiding the other’s gaze.

“Because I didn’t really think of how you are feeling in this. Even though I already had relationships this is still something totally different and new for me, too. I’m sorry if I gave you the feeling that I’m playing around with you. I’m not…if that makes you feel better,” Jonghyun explained slowly, the embrace around Kibum’s body getting a little tighter. Kibum felt how the weight of the world seemed to slowly slip from his shoulder and all he wanted to do was cry in relief, but he didn’t. Instead, he nuzzled his nose into Jonghyun’s school uniform, smelling this typical candy stand smell in it.

“Apart from the obvious fact that we’re boys, it’s also different in other ways. I’ve never had a relationship with someone younger than me…and…I don’t know, usually, I was the one who was guided through everything new. I really try hard to adapt to this new situation…and I don’t know…I just want to give you the feeling that you can trust me…and…this is indeed pretty hard. I haven’t talked about feelings in a very long time,” Jonghyun sighed, chuckling a little uncertainly. His hands lingered on Kibum’s back, fingertips clinging to the smooth material of the other’s shirt.

“I get the feeling that I start to talk nonsense, too. Just…what do you want me to say, Kibum?”

Kibum knew that Jonghyun looked at him questioningly, because he felt his eyes burning into his cheek and he swallowed the lump in his throat, spreading his fingers covering his face a little to peek through them. The warmness that lingered in those brown eyes before him just caused Kibum’s heart to beat faster again and he slowly pulled his hands away, trying to look back at the older.

“I…are you my…boy…are you my boyfriend?” He felt so stupid and childish for asking a question like that, but he was just so insecure and this question was on his mind since their first kiss. He didn’t want something to stand between them. He wanted the safety of knowing how Jonghyun thought about everything, even though he was still a bit afraid of it. He didn’t know if he went too far with his question, but they had kissed…kissed more than once, hadn’t they? The smile he received in response was the most beautiful he had ever seen in his life and he was sure he stopped breathing when Jonghyun leaned forward, bumping their noses together.

“I am if you want me to be your boyfriend,” he whispered gently, lips just an inch away from Kibum’s. The younger didn’t answer, instead, he just bridged the remaining gap between them, his lips softly brushing against the other’s. This was how all teenager movies went, right? First, the drama happened and then came the happy ending. But what came after that? What happened after love declarations and sweet kisses? What happened after promises and sweet love talking? Kibum wasn’t quite sure, but he didn’t want to think about it as his lips touched Jonghyun’s, his arms finding their way around the other’s neck.

He had a boyfriend.

Kim Jonghyun, the most gorgeous person on earth, was officially his boyfriend!

Kibum smiled into the kiss at the thought, enjoying the simple joy of their touching lips, savoring the sweet tingling he got from them.

***

Dinner was another story, though. Kibum was embarrassed by his mother as she pestered his newly found boyfriend with questions about his family, his studies, his future plans and his thoughts on health care, society rules, and Korean etiquette two hours later. On one hand it was interesting to hear Jonghyun talk about things Kibum wouldn’t even think of asking him in privacy, but on the other hand, he just felt incredibly sorry for him. It couldn’t be a nice feeling to be questioned by someone he barely knew. At least he knew that he would feel extremely uncomfortable if he had to endure such questions.

“Mum, Jonghyun doesn’t even have time to eat,” Kibum gestured at the half-full bowl of rice in front of Jonghyun while his mum was interested in hearing Jonghyun’s opinion about the Korean government. Jonghyun looked from Kibum’s mum to the younger, a small smile twitching at the corner of his lips. They sat at a round wooden table in the kitchen, a few bowls of meat, rice, vegetables and soup standing in front of them. From time to time the boys would bump their feet against each other under the table, making Kibum’s heart skip a beat in particular.

“Aw Kibum, you aren’t any fun. Just let me get to know your friend a bit. A mum needs to know who their child spends their time with, right Jonghyun?” She looked over sweetly at Jonghyun who simply nodded with a polite smile. Kibum sighed in defeat. Of course, Jonghyun wouldn’t disagree with his mother. Never argue with a Korean mother and don’t ever try to discuss with her. Korean mothers are always right and get the last word.

“How was your day, mum?” Kibum then said, trying to at least switch topics to give Jonghyun some time to breathe. It was the least he could do because he knew how exhausting his mum could get. He had already lived under one roof with her for 16 years, so he knew what he was talking about. In the corner of his eyes, he saw Jonghyun’s posture relax into the chair as Kibum’s mum started to tell them happily about her day. Jonghyun’s reaction made Kibum smile a bit and he was relieved to have made the whole dinner affair a little easier for the other one.

***

“Will you be online later on?” Jonghyun asked when he shouldered his guitar bag in Kibum’s room, making sure that the straps weren’t twisted and wouldn’t cut into his skin.

“Yeah, probably,” Kibum nodded, arms crossed behind his back. He was sad that Jonghyun already had to leave, but it was past 10 PM already and Jonghyun didn’t want his parents to worry. They knew that he was with a friend from school, but he hadn’t told them how long he would stay with said friend. Actually, Kibum had wanted to ask if Jonghyun wanted to stay for the night, but he had decided against it because he didn’t want to push his luck any further. He couldn’t be any happier at the moment anyway. There was nothing that stood between them anymore and it was so relieving to Kibum.

“Promise me you I’ll see you online when I’m home,” Jonghyun pouted a little, coming up to Kibum till he literally invaded the other’s personal space. Kibum really had developed a soft spot for Jonghyun’s pouting. It always turned him into a puddle of pink, heart-shaped goo. He responded the pout, hands reaching out to get a hold of the straps on Jonghyun’s guitar bag.

“You’re really cute when you pout,” he grinned and he didn’t know where he took the courage to say that, but in the course of the day he really seemed to have bundled up a lot of confidence and he had to thank Jonghyun for it. It was odd how sometimes things could change so easily and made living less stressful.

“I’m not cute,” Jonghyun murmured, his plush lips still covered with a beautiful pout. It made Kibum laugh quietly and he pulled Jonghyun nearer on his guitar straps, placing a kiss on those pouting lips.

“Yes, you are,” he mumbled against the other’s mouth, grinning when he heard a low snort coming from the older one. The kiss they shared was sweet and innocent and Kibum could have spent hours with just pressing his lips lightly against the elder.

It felt right.

It felt so damn right.

***

“He’s cute.” That’s what his mum said as soon as Jonghyun had excited their flat with a cute smile and a wave of his hand. Kibum stared at the closed door in front of him, hand still holding the door handle. He really didn’t want to talk about Jonghyun with his mum.

“I’m going to bed, good night, mum,” he replied, turning around to go back to his room.

“Kibum, why won’t you talk to me about it? You’re my only child and I accepted the fact that I probably won’t ever have grandchildren to pamper a long time ago…so why won’t you share your happiness with me? Have I ever given you the feeling that you can’t trust me?”

The question made Kibum stop dead in his tracks and he sighed a little, turning around to see his mum standing in the doorframe leading to their kitchen, a towel and a plate in her hand.

“No mum…no no…I know that I can trust you, you’re my mum. I just…I just don’t think that there is anything to talk about. It’s my life after all,” he tried to explain with a reassuring look on his face.

“Honey, I’m your mum. There is nothing much I can do for you anymore. You’re almost an adult yourself. I just can offer you my help. I don’t want to end up like other mums who don’t know anything about the lives of their kids, because they don’t have time for them or because the kids don’t want to talk to them about their problems, because they’re afraid that their parents stop loving them if they make a wrong decision. There was a boy your age in our hospital a few years ago who tried to commit suicide after his parents had disowned him after they had found out that he was in love with another boy,” she explained and Kibum saw tears in her eyes. His heart sank at the picture and he came up to her and hugged her, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“I don’t ever want you to hide something just because you think I would stop loving you or something, okay? I know life is hard enough as it is and I know people can be cruel if you don’t live up to their standards, but I don’t want to make it any harder for you. When you’re in love then don’t try to hide it in front of me, Kibum. I didn’t raise you like this. I saw the way you looked at him and he’s a decent boy, isn’t he?” she added with quiet sobs, looking up to her son. Kibum nodded meekly, his head nuzzling into the crook of her neck. He wanted to say that he knew that she wouldn’t abandon him and that he knew that she would love him no matter what, but he didn’t say any of that and instead held her tightly in his arms, stroking her back soothingly. Maybe she was right. He couldn’t share his happiness with many people because he knew society wasn’t ready for that yet so he should at least share bits of it with the person who had supported him all his life and held his hand through all hardships. It was only fair, wasn’t it?

“He makes me happy, mum,” he said almost inaudibly after a while, looking down at his mum with a soft smile.

***

“Hi Kibum…and hi Jinki.” That was the way Jonghyun greeted the two of them happily on Monday. Usually, he came up to them when they had already taken a seat in their big canteen during lunch break, but now he had already crossed their way in one of the school corridors that lead to the canteen. A bit surprised both boys turned around to look at the older one and Kibum couldn’t hold back the smile as he saw how hyper Jonghyun looked.

“Jinki, can I borrow your friend for a second? I’ll bring him back safely and intact,” he grinned and Jinki and Kibum both raised their eyebrows at the latter part of Jonghyun’s plea.

“Uhm…sure?” Jinki said a little dumbfounded and shrugged while Kibum crossed his arms in front of his chest with a slight huff.

“And who asks me if I even want to come with you?” he questioned a little disgruntled, sighing when Jonghyun pouted again.

“I wanted to show you something,” he murmured, fingers bumping against each other. “Come with me…please?” Jonghyun added with an insistent look in his eyes that made Kibum’s insides melt. He had him around his little finger with ‘Hi Kibum’ already.

“Where do you want to take me?” Kibum asked him as he followed him through the corridors and up the stairs a little later.

“To the music room,” Jonghyun grinned, biting his bottom lip cheekily. “Did you sleep well?” he asked then, the little finger on his right hand slowly darting out to close around Kibum’s when no one was in sight. Kibum smiled softly, looking down at their interlaced little fingers.

“Yeah, I did. How about you?”

“I didn’t sleep. I had to write down ideas,” Jonghyun replied and almost bounced to the door of the music room, entering it and turning on the lights in the dark room.

“Is this the reason why you’re so hyper? Did you drink a pot of coffee to stay awake?” Kibum laughed and followed the elder to the black grand piano in the middle of the room.

“Yeah, I did,” Jonghyun confessed sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck before he opened the lid of the piano to reveal the tablature. He sat down on the black stool in front of the piano, patting the free space next to him.

“Come here,” he said and smiled brightly when Kibum followed his request without hesitation. “Hi” he then said and placed a peck on the younger one’s cheek who blushed a bit and held his kissed skin.

“Someone could see, Jonghyun,” he muttered under his breath, but felt happy and jittery inside.

“No one’s ever here during lunch break except for me sometimes,” the other laughed, his fingers tapping random keys.

“So why did you take me away from Jinki during break?” Kibum asked after several seconds, his eyes following Jonghyun’s elegant fingers moving on the tablature.

“Because I wanted to show you something I wrote last night. It was inspired by you. It might sound a little off at a few parts because I hadn’t much time to actually practice it, but I really wanted to play it for you,” he explained calmly, positioning his feet near the piano pedals in front of him.

“Such a sap,” Kibum murmured jokingly but felt his heart boost up in joy. Why did Jonghyun have to give him endless reasons to like and love him even more with every passing minute? It wasn’t fair. He still searched a prominent flaw in the other’s character and attitude, but it felt like searching a needle in a haystack to him. Jonghyun just laughed at his comment and shook his head, placing his fingers on the right keys.

 

When he started to play and the tones reached Kibum’s ears it felt like calmness washed over him, taking away all dark memories of the past. He admired the other so much for his talent to capture his emotions in music. The melody was so soft and sweet, something that immediately made you smile for no reason and it made Kibum feel so warm…warm, safe and loved.

When his eyes wandered away from Jonghyun’s hands up to his face he saw the other playing the composition with his eyes closed, a smile twitching at the corner of his eyes, brows furrowing when he tapped a wrong key. It was such a beautiful sight to witness and Kibum couldn’t help but stare, memorizing every little detail in the change of Jonghyun’s expression with his eyes. You’re so beautiful, he wanted to say, but placed his head on Jonghyun’s shoulder instead, closing his eyes to enjoy the soft piano play of the other.  
When he had secretly listened to Jonghyun play piano or guitar in the music room months ago he had never dreamed of sitting next to him in this room one day, enjoying a composition of Jonghyun that was inspired by him.

When the melody ended Kibum didn’t want to open his eyes again, wanted to drown in the warm and fuzzy feeling it had caused in his stomach.

“Did you like it or did you fall asleep because it’s so boring?” Kibum felt Jonghyun’s body vibrate as he chuckled lowly.

“It’s beautiful,” Kibum stated quietly, his head turning slightly to look up at the other’s face. When their gazes met Jonghyun smiled, fingers leaving the keys to touch Kibum’s face.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Jonghyun said, his voice soft for he didn’t want to disturb the calm atmosphere that lingered above their heads.

“I don’t like it. I love it. You’re a genius, Jonghyun.”

The comment made Jonghyun blush a little and Kibum smiled, leaning forward to brush his nose against the elder’s cheek. When Jonghyun turned his head and softly placed his lips against Kibum’s, the younger grinned, gently responding the kiss. Jonghyun tasted sweet...like melon bonbons.

Life couldn’t get any better, right?

 

**Chapter 11**

 

It was already Tuesday morning when Jinki and Kibum finally found some time to talk in privacy, waiting for their first lesson of the day to start.

“Wow…I mean wow. That’s so kitschy. He wrote a song for you? That’s so…so…is he Romeo and you’re Juliet?” Jinki asked with an amused expression, roaming in his school bag to search his pencil case.

“Did Romeo write a song for Juliet?” Kibum questioned back in confusion, doodling thoughtlessly on his notepad.

“No, he didn’t, but I’m sure he would have if he hadn’t killed himself first,” Jinki nodded and sighed in relief as he pulled out his pencil case, putting it in front of him on his table.

“He’s really romantic,” Kibum uttered with a love-struck grin, drawing little notes around Jonghyun’s name.

“I figured as much. If I were you I would be happier to get an invitation to go out and eat chicken, though.”

“Luckily you’re not me then.”

Both laughed lowly before Kibum let out a sigh, resting his head on the table.

“Did you think that we really would end up together?”

“Honest answer?” Jinki asked with a frown, looking over at Kibum who nodded barely visible.

“Nah, in the beginning, I thought it won’t work and that Jonghyun doesn’t have eyes for anything else than music, but I guess…I was wrong. And I’m glad I was wrong this time,” Jinki smiled genuinely which made the younger smile too.

“Thank you.”

There were some minutes of pleasant silence and other students slowly entered the room one after another till Jinki turned to Kibum again with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Kibum?”

“Mmh?” The younger hummed and looked up from his doodle drawn with a pencil.

“So how is it going to be with you two in the future? I mean do…will you keep it a secret or will you tell someone about it and…yeah, I don’t know,” Jinki laughed awkwardly, fingers dishevelling his hair.

Kibum thought for a second, looking at the picture in front of him. He had never thought about it to be honest. A relationship with Jonghyun had always seemed so far away and surreal that he had never thought any further than fantasizing about kissing the older one. He frowned, a small pout appearing on his lips.

“I don’t know. I think we just keep it the way it is. It’s the best thing for everyone, isn’t it?” Kibum uttered, not really sure if it really was the best for everyone. It would keep away a lot of problems, but he didn’t know what Jonghyun thought about it. He had to talk to him about it when the time was right.

“Mmh…yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, it doesn’t matter, right?”

Kibum just nodded in response, nibbling on his bottom lip in thought.

***

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
Yay, you’re here. I’ve already waited for you. ^______^

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Yay?! *throws up arms in excitement*

**Jonghyun ♫ :**  
^_^  
Do you want to go swimming with me on Friday after school?

The question came so sudden that Kibum sat in front of his computer for a moment, dumbfounded.

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
I saw an advertisement for one of my favorite swimming pools on the tram on my way home and I thought it would be a nice thing to do after a long week. I invite you. =D

When Kibum read the message he blushed slightly. Swimming? Didn’t swimming involve lots of naked, wet skin? Of course they were both boys and didn’t look much different, but still, Kibum felt a little self-conscious about himself when he compared himself to Jonghyun. Both were skinny, but Jonghyun was still much nicer to look at without clothes on than Kibum would ever be. At least he thought that way about himself. With a sigh, he massaged his temples and didn’t really know how to answer. Of course, he wanted to meet up with Jonghyun and his heart instantly beat faster just at the thought that Jonghyun wanted to invite him on a date. It was a date, wasn’t it?

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
I don’t have swimming trunks.

It was a lie. Of course, it was, but the only swimming trunks Kibum owned were red and had white flowers on it. He couldn’t really appear in front of Jonghyun like that, could he? He pinched his bottom lip between his fingers, looking at the screen in front of him to wait for an answer.

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
You can have a pair of mine then. Pretty please… *-* I can use the blue pouting smiley again!

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►►** :  
Is that a threat?

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Maybe >:D

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You’re such a kid sometimes.

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
I take it as a ‘yes, Jonghyun. I’d really like to go swimming with you’?

Kibum laughed at the smiley Jonghyun had used, imaging the other to look at him this way. It was a cute image, he had to admit, even though he knew that he would blush if he had to face this expression on Jonghyun’s face in reality.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►►** :  
What would you do without your smileys? 

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Speak of the devil and the devil will show up! >:DDDD

But that wasn’t an answer to my question…

Kibum smiled and propped up his elbow on his desk to place his head on the palm of his hand. Swimming didn’t sound like such a bad idea, right? It sure would be fun.

After all, everything that involved Jonghyun was fun.

***

It was Friday afternoon when Jonghyun and Kibum entered the swimming pool, Kibum feeling a little insecure when Jonghyun paid for their tickets and grinned at him when they went along a corridor to the changing cubicles. There was a big one for everyone who wasn’t afraid to show off their bodies and several single cubicles lined up in a row. Kibum was more than relieved when Jonghyun stopped in front of the single ones and opened his bag, pulling out a pair of black, wide swimming trunks.

“Here,” he smiled and gave the shorts to Kibum who took them with a silent thanks, looking a little sheepish. Without saying another word Jonghyun entered one of the cubicles, leaving Kibum behind who stood a little helplessly in front of the cabins, the thought of Jonghyun changing clothes behind this thin door unsettling him.

“Hurry up, Kibum.”

He heard the older one laugh and followed his lead, entering a free cubicle and closing the door behind him. He heard the rustling of clothes in the cabin next to his, naked feet hitting the tiles on the ground soon afterwards. He would have loved to be a fly on the wall, watching Jonghyun changing into his swimming trunks at this very moment. A slight blush crept onto his face and he turned around to face a mirror hanging on one of the walls in the cabin. He indeed looked like a love-struck teenager, he had to admit when he saw the sparkling in his own eyes. Kibum slowly started to change then, taking off his school uniform, shoes and socks. He considered keeping his underwear on to avoid embarrassing situations if the wide swimming trunks would slip down his hips when he jumped into the water, but with a sigh he also took off his boxer briefs after a minute of hesitation, hearing the door of the cubicle next to him open.

“Are you done?” he heard the other ask, eyeing himself in Jonghyun’s shorts for a second. He was way too skinny.

“Yeah,” Kibum replied and folded his clothes neatly before he shyly exited the cubicle, trying to hide his chest behind his school bag and his pile of clothes. It was childish because they were both boys and there was nothing to hide, but still walking around Jonghyun in just a pair of swimming trunks was something Kibum had to get used to first. His breath hitched when he saw the other standing so confidently in just a pair of red shorts in front of a wall with sheet metal lockers, his heartbeat increasing when his eyes fell on the other’s perked up nipples. He bit the insides of his cheeks, trying to not think of anything that had something to with his teeth around the other’s nipples. It was challenging to say the least.

“Do you have some cash for the lockers?” Jonghyun asked while he stowed his clothes and school bag into one of the lockers, Kibum handing him out his folded clothes as Jonghyun’s arms reached out for it.

“Yeah…yeah…I guess. I…I will check,” he stuttered a little, Jonghyun’s almost naked form making him nervous. He kneeled down, rummaging in his bag to take his wallet out, looking for coins.

“Here,” he said when he found one and placed a silver coin into Jonghyun’s outstretched hand, trying to avoid looking at the older one.

“Thanks,” Jonghyun grinned friendly and threw the coin into the lock after they had placed Kibum’s school bag into the storage space to lock the door. Kibum felt pretty naked all of a sudden, his hands awkwardly folding in front of his chest. The key that locked the door was connected to a red wristband which Jonghyun tied around his wrist before he looked up at Kibum and smiled brightly.

“Let’s get going,” he chirped and made his way to the showers, Kibum slowly following him. It had been years since he had been to a swimming pool and he looked around curiously, inhaling the scent of chlorine. As hard as he tried he couldn’t look away when they both stood under some shower heads, his eyes fixed on Jonghyun’s face when water driblets trickled down his pale skin and made his hair wet till it fell into his eyes. The older looked unbelievably cute with his hair covering his eyes. Kibum blushed and lowered his head when Jonghyun caught him staring and smiled at him. The things Jonghyun did to his mind and heart. If he just knew how much faster his heart beat when he sent him one of his smiles.

“You’ve never been here, right? They have an awesome slide and an outdoor saltwater pool, a whirlpool, a pool that has lots of different whirls that push you into different directions and a pool that simulates waves…that’s a lot of fun,” Jonghyun explained and had the same gleam in his eyes like he had had when they had been to the playground, Kibum noticed when Jonghyun guided him to a big hall after they were done showering. There were lots of people walking around and swimming, relaxing and playing in the pools. Several plants decorated the swimming pool and even a little area with sand and deckchairs were located in the swimming pool. Everything was huge and Kibum was so impressed by the sight that he paused in his steps to take a look around. The only swimming pool he had had in his hometown had been pretty small with just one pool and nothing fancy to do except for swimming.

“That’s amazing,” he said after a few moments; mouth agape and his head overwrought by all the new impressions.

“Yeah. It seems like we’ve entered a whole new world, doesn’t it?” Jonghyun nodded in agreement and then pointed over to a big slide that was located under the roof with a tube that curved in different shapes around the swimming pool. Kibum followed the tube and saw a giggling kid coming out of the end of it with a loud scream who fell into the water with a splash.

“Let’s go there first, okay? We can even slide down together,” Jonghyun grinned cheekily and tucked at Kibum’s hand before he walked into the direction of the slide. Kibum looked after him for a second, the words slide down together echoing in his head. He hadn’t questioned Jonghyun’s intentions when he had asked him to go swimming, but now everything suddenly seemed to make sense. Jonghyun probably wanted them to get more comfortable with each other and the best way to achieve that in the other’s eyes seemed to take off useless clothes and have fun. In his mind, the idea indeed sounded great if he just didn’t feel so awkward walking around in only shorts. He followed Jonghyun with fast steps as the older one looked at him over his shoulder, signalizing him with a wave of his hand that he should hurry up.

They had to climb up a long spiral ladder and Kibum tried not to look at the other’s bottom as Jonghyun clambered the stairs with his wet, red shorts that stuck to his skin, every move of him causing the fabric to curve so wonderfully around two small buttocks. It wasn’t the first time that Kibum cursed his teenager hormones and the internet with lots of free available porn for making this task seem hopeless.

He let out a sigh of relief when they reached their destiny and had to wait behind a group of kids who were obviously a lot younger than them. Jonghyun grinned at him like a hyperactive, little kid and Kibum automatically started to grin, too, because he loved that childish side of the other way too much. He loved it when Jonghyun acted reasonably, mature and thoughtful, but this side of him was so rare to witness that Kibum wanted to enjoy every second of it.

“I haven’t been to this swimming pool for a year,” Jonghyun mentioned and combed back his wet hair with his fingers, which made him look like a Yakuza member. The thought made Kibum laugh quietly and Jonghyun looked at him in confusion.

“Huh?”

“You look like some prim and proper mafia member with your hair like that,” he giggled behind one hand, making the other laugh, too.

“Well, I might be…you’ll never know. Maybe my high school identity is just a cover-up and actually, I’m on a secret mission,” Jonghyun smirked mysteriously with an arched eyebrow.

“Oh, and what mission would that be?” Kibum asked curiously with a grin, the look on Jonghyun’s face causing his stomach to flip.

“I can’t talk about it. It’s top secret. I would have to kill you should you ever find out,” Jonghyun nodded with a serious expression, his left hand imitating a gun. Kibum immediately raised both his hands in defense.

“I’m too young to die,” he acted with a pitiful whine and Jonghyun just laughed with a nod before he stepped a little nearer and leaned close to his ear.

“And way too pretty,” Jonghyun whispered and stepped away again with a smile. It were those simple sentences that made it hard for Kibum to breathe in Jonghyun’s presence. He wasn’t used to compliments. All his life he always had been treated like a loner and leper by his surroundings and he still couldn’t quite believe that someone like Jonghyun treated him so nicely, like someone who was really worth something. It was a nice feeling, but he still couldn’t really handle it.

“I think it’s our turn,” he said lowly instead, looking past Jonghyun to the round, dark entrance of the slide. There was a green light next to it that told him that the slide was free to use again.

“Oh, yeah,” Jonghyun replied a little puzzled as he looked from Kibum over to the slide. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but then he shook his head and grinned at Kibum, pulling him over to the entrance.

“You sit in the front,” Jonghyun explained, giving Kibum a little push with his hands when the younger hesitated.

“But…”

“Just sit down…nothing can happen,” Jonghyun smiled encouragingly and stepped behind the younger when Kibum sat down into the tube, surrounded by flowing water. Kibum wasn’t worried that something could happen when they rode the slide; he was more worried about the fact that Jonghyun would sit behind him, pressed up against his back. He held his breath and stared ahead when Jonghyun settled down behind him and shifted closer, legs pressed to either side of him. He bit his lips painfully when Jonghyun’s arms looped around him, his hips giving them a push till they moved forward and fell into darkness, water pushing their bodies forward. Kibum had his eyes tightly closed, hands grabbing Jonghyun’s thighs when a curve pushed them to the side. He felt Jonghyun’s heartbeat as his chest was tightly pressed against his skin and he felt the other’s crotch pushed against his lower back, making his mind overflow with images he didn’t want to see at the moment.

It was a pretty direct and abrupt way to get to know each other better, Kibum thought as Jonghyun held onto him tightly, his chin resting on Kibum’s shoulder. But maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to get thrown into cold water from time to time. Kibum knew best that he was too insecure and acted too hesitantly most of the time, knew that he should take risks more often to achieve something.

The fall into the pool came so suddenly that Kibum let out a yelp of surprise as he crashed into the lukewarm water with Jonghyun in tow, gasping for air as he struggled his way to the surface again, his hair sticking to his cheeks and forehead. He heard the other laugh somewhere near him and turned around in the pool, finding the other walking towards him, hair clinging to his face.

“That was fun, wasn’t it?” he grinned, hands playing with the water around him. Kibum didn't even have time to nod before Jonghyun had grabbed him and had pulled him underwater, the younger widening his eyes despite the chlorine. He saw the elder grinning at him, hands reaching out to grab his face. Jonghyun’s lips were on his so suddenly that it took him several seconds to realize what was happening. It was a mere touch of lips but still, it felt a lot different to the kisses he had shared with Jonghyun before, the water making everything a lot harder.

“I wanted to do that all day,” Jonghyun breathed after they cut the surface again a little later, a cocky smile playing on his lips. Kibum would have lied if he claimed that he didn’t feel the same way, so he simply returned the smile with a slight blush on his cheeks, pushing the other a little with his hand.

“Such a bastard for pulling me down into the water all of a sudden,” he then said, the tiny smile still visible on his lips.

“Sorry,” Jonghyun apologized sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck as he looked innocently at Kibum.

***

In the next few hours, Kibum slowly but surely became more comfortable in his own skin. The fact that Jonghyun didn’t seem to care that both of them were just dressed in swimming trunks helped a lot. They wrestled a bit in one of the swimming pools, Kibum’s head diving under the surface more often than he preferred and he realized that Jonghyun was a lot stronger than he looked. To catch their breath and calm down a bit again they went over to the whirlpool afterwards and shared it with an elderly couple, talking about a lot of random stuff there. Kibum’s breath hitched the first time Jonghyun’s hand touched his knee under the water of the whirlpool, but when he saw the smile on the other’s lips he started to relax, his own hand finding Jonghyun’s on his knee to intertwine their fingers.

“We should do that more often,” Jonghyun announced when they grabbed shampoo, shower gel, and towels from their locker to head off to take another shower after they had left the swimming pool. Kibum simply nodded, too exhausted and tired from all the playing and swimming they had done.

“Did you enjoy it? You’re so silent,” Jonghyun noted a little hesitantly when they reached the shower room, several people already freeing their bodies from the chlorine.

“Yeah, it was nice…very nice. I’m just a tad tired. I’m not used to doing that much sport,” Kibum explained with a weary smile and pushed the button under one of the free showerheads till warm water pattered down onto his drained muscles.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m not used to it either. We’ll sure have aching muscles by tomorrow,” Jonghyun laughed lowly and joined the other under his shower head, seemingly well aware of the fact that there were still plenty of free showers left. Kibum didn’t say anything, instead, he made some space for Jonghyun and grabbed his shower gel, pouring a blob onto his hand before he put the gel away again.

“I know this might sound weird or something, but if it weren’t for the other people here I would really like to soap you,” Jonghyun whispered so others couldn’t hear him and Kibum blushed so heavily like he hadn’t done in a while.

“Don’t say such things,” Kibum responded, gaze lowered as he started to wash.

“Why?”

“Because it makes me nervous,” the younger answered honestly and bit his bottom lip, following a trail of water trickling along Jonghyun’s love line to seep into his swimming trunks.

“Nervous?” Jonghyun asked, confused and washed himself with his own shower gel, being a lot faster in his movements than Kibum was.

“You know what I mean,” Kibum sighed and looked up for a second, meeting the still confused look on his boyfriend’s face. Thinking of Jonghyun as his boyfriend was still a bit unreal to Kibum, but he liked the word boyfriend a lot and the advantages the name brought.

“I don’t think I know,” Jonghyun laughed quietly, already going over to wash his hair a little roughly, white foam sticking to his forehead and covering his ears. Kibum felt a little sorry for Jonghyun’s hair because he was convinced that such pretty hair shouldn’t be treated that ungratefully.

“Well…just…well, try to imagine that someone…well someone you really like says that…to you,” Kibum uttered shyly after a moment of hesitation, trying to follow his newly made resolution that he should talk more about the things he felt and thought because talking was the key to almost everything. He saw Jonghyun how raised his eyebrows for a second, still looking confused till an understanding sound left his lips.

“Oh…oh,” he said and Kibum saw a little smirk twitching at the corners of his lips. “I see,” he added and Kibum had to lower his gaze again to not drown in his own embarrassment. Talking might be a wonderful thing to do, but Kibum wasn’t certain if he really wanted Jonghyun to know what fun games his head always played on him when he met up with the older one.

“Don’t ‘oh’ around and make me feel like an old pervert,” he mumbled a little frustrated and started washing his hair to distract himself from Jonghyun’s grinning face.

“Sorry,” Jonghyun said and Kibum could clearly hear the amused tone in the other’s voice that told him that he wasn’t really sorry for his reaction. “You’re way too cute sometimes, Kibum,” the elder added and Kibum just huffed and turned his back to the other, trying to control the blush on his cheeks.

“Are you mad at me now?”

Jonghyun sounded a little helpless and Kibum tensed when he felt the older one’s hand on his back. He shook his head then but didn’t really dare to turn around again.

“Why should I? I’m just…I’m embarrassed,” he stuttered bashfully, rubbing the shampoo into his hair.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you always…seem to create the most inappropriate images in my head with the things you do and say…I’m sure this can’t be normal,” he sighed in defeat, his shoulders sinking as he rinsed his hair and closed his eyes so the foam wouldn’t get into his eyes.

“But that’s a good thing.” Kibum felt how the other tucked at his hand, taking it into his own. “Are you done?” he asked then and was pulled after the older one as soon as he had nodded. He grabbed his washing utensils and his towel on his way out, not saying anything as Jonghyun dragged him through the bright corridors back to the cubicles.

“You know…feeling attracted to your boyfriend isn’t something you should be embarrassed about, Kibum,” Jonghyun muttered as he guided the other one into a free single cubicle, closing the door behind them. Kibum swallowed when Jonghyun closed the distance between their faces, lips touching the younger one’s almost feverishly, Kibum’s mind overflowing with feelings and images. Kibum felt a little taken by surprise when Jonghyun caressed his face with one hand, the other slowly gliding down his spine, tongue running over his bottom lip and making his body shiver in all the right places. It was a nice surprise, even though Kibum didn’t really know why the other acted that offensively.

“Kibum,” Jonghyun murmured against the other’s mouth and withdrew his lips a bit to look the other in the eye. “I don’t want to make you feel even more uncomfortable than you probably feel already, but seeing you in my swimming trunks for the past few hours…made me really nervous, too. Actually, nervous is a really nice word to put it,” he laughed timidly, thumb running over Kibum’s cheeks.

“Really?” It blurted out of him before he really had thought about it, his eyes immediately widening and hand finding his way to his mouth as he realized how immature this question was. “Sorry,” he added quietly and nibbled on his bottom lip, his hands folded in front of his chest. At least it was nice to know that he wasn’t the only one whose teenager hormones seemed to run wild from time to time.

“Don’t apologize,” Jonghyun laughed lowly and took Kibum’s towel, putting it over the other’s head to dry his hair. “And yes, really. You should stop being so self-conscious about yourself. You also managed to make me fall for you.”

The words fall for you made Kibum look up behind wet hair strands and his towel, but Jonghyun didn’t look at him and instead concentrated on drying the other’s hair gently. Fall for you…fall for you…fall for you…he repeated those simple words over and over again in his head, the sound of them foreign to him. It wasn’t like Kibum thought that Jonghyun had become his boyfriend because he pitied him, but the thought that Jonghyun actually could slowly feel the same way about him as he did about the other had never crossed his self-doubting mind. Liking okay, but loving? That had always seemed too far away as that Kibum could have grasped it with his hands.

The great care Jonghyun took in drying Kibum’s hair was almost motherly and the younger just smiled at him before he looped his arms around the other’s waist, leaned down a bit and pressed his face against his chest, inhaling that scent that was so typical for Jonghyun. He felt how the other tensed for a moment before Jonghyun leaned into the touch a little later, hands finding their way around Kibum’s hips. It was his way to state a thank you without saying it out loud and the way Jonghyun nuzzled his nose into the towel on his head showed him that the other understood what he wanted to let him know.

When they shared a cubicle to change back into their school uniforms some minutes later they stood back to back in the cabin and tried not to bump into each other when they dried themselves off. Kibum’s heartbeat didn’t seem to see the need to slow down a bit, his heart rate way too high to be healthy when he caught a glimpse of the other through the mirror, the sight of Jonghyun’s small naked butt almost making him lose his balance as he tried to put his underwear back on. So this was how that part of Jonghyun’s body looked like when it wasn’t covered by fabric, Kibum thought to himself with a blush, trying to ignore that unnerving twitching in his abdomen. He already knew that he would have a long night with images of a naked Jonghyun occupying his head. Kibum looked away when Jonghyun stepped into a pair of black briefs and pulled those up over his bottom because he didn’t like it how he felt like a voyeur for watching the other changing back into his clothes. He would hopefully see the other like this soon enough.

***

The tram they shared on their way back was crammed with people and Kibum was uncomfortably pressed against Jonghyun, feeling an elbow of the person behind him pushing into his ribs. Jonghyun held onto Kibum’s blazer while the other angled for the grip bar above his head.

“I hate crammed trams so much. It’s past 9 PM and still, the trams are this full. How is this even possible?” Kibum sighed, the straps of his schoolbag cutting into his skin as it was pulled down by the weight of a man who leaned into him.

“It’s Seoul, Kibum. Trams are always full…well okay, not when you take one in the middle of the night,” Jonghyun said jokingly, fingers playing with the black buttons on the jacket of Kibum’s school uniform.

“Then we need to take a tram in the middle of the night next time. I already feel claustrophobic,” he whined and was pressed even further into the other one when even more people tried to get into the tram at the next stop.

“Every 3 minutes comes a tram and still everyone tries to fit into this one,” Kibum grumbled, already standing on tiptoes to be able to hold onto the grip bar as other passengers seemed to press him down. He couldn’t even enjoy the closeness of the other because he was way too annoyed by people in this tram who didn’t seem to have a brain.

“We get off in Samgakji anyway. 2 more stations and we’ll be there,” Jonghyun said with a gentle smile and Kibum was impressed that the older one was still able to smile although they were pressed together like sardines in a tin.

Both boys stumbled onto the platform in Samgakji in relief when they finally reached the station 5 minutes later to switch tramways. Jonghyun smoothed the fabric of his jacket while Kibum massaged his hurting shoulders when they climbed up the stairs to get to the trams that would bring them home.

“Feels like a déjà vu,” Jonghyun grinned when they found themselves standing at the same spot they had said goodbye to each other after their first ‘date’.

“Yeah, you need to get to line 6, right?” Kibum said sadly, not wanting to say goodbye yet. When Jonghyun nodded the younger pouted a little, fumbling with the straps on his school bag.

“Well, we could still…you know, walk around a bit before we go home?” Jonghyun suggested and Kibum’s face lit up in an instant, making Jonghyun laugh when he saw the other nodding enthusiastically.

It was chilly when they exited the metro station and walked around the district, the streets emptier than they had been when they had been there for the first time.

“Are you hungry?” Jonghyun asked as they strolled along a small shopping mile, most shops still open despite the time of the day.

“A bit,” Kibum answered and looked around, fascinated by all the neon signs around them.

“Then let’s get a bite to eat,” the older suggested and pointed at a snack bar with several small tables to sit outside.

Kibum thought of Jinki when he shared one of the small tables with Jonghyun, both boys having a plate with fried rice and grilled chicken stripes in front of them. Jonghyun had insisted to pay the food for both of them and Kibum had reluctantly complied on the condition that he at least paid for the drinks. Being together with a boy didn’t really work with Korean breeding of boys who were already taught at a really young age that they had to invite their date and pay for everything no matter what.

“Yah Kibum,” Jonghyun uttered while he lifted a piece of chicken with his chopsticks and looked over at Kibum who took a sip of his Diet Coke.

“How is your presentation going? It’s already on Monday, right? You didn’t ask me for help.” The disappointment in Jonghyun’s voice was clearly visible as he placed the chicken stripe into his mouth and chewed on it.

“Well…I…I actually haven’t really started yet. I …really wanted to, but somehow the past week has passed way too fast. I’ll probably end up staying up all night on Sunday to work on it,” Kibum confessed, his chopsticks poking the chicken stripes on the plate.

“Oh Kibum,” Jonghyun laughed lowly, shaking his head a little. “School is important, even biology.”

“You already sound like Jinki,” Kibum noted with a disgruntled face, stuffing several pieces of chicken stripes into his mouth in frustration till his cheeks looked like the ones of a hamster.

“Intelligent guy I guess,” Jonghyun sniggered and leaned forward a bit. “Seriously, let me help you. We already talked about this stuff two years ago and I still have my notes somewhere. We can work that out together and I can help you to build that stupid mitochondrion.”

Kibum looked at the other with a sigh, still munching his chicken stripes.

“But...but I can’t expect you to give up your weekend…just to help me,” Kibum said with his mouth full, a dissatisfied look on his face.

“I’m not giving anything up, Kibum. Spending the weekend with you sounds much better than hanging around at home all alone.”

“You can be such a cheese ball,” Kibum snorted when his mouth was empty, the other grinning at him like the Cheshire cat.

“Just say yes and I’ll be at your house by noon tomorrow.” Kibum thought about it for a second before he nodded, taking another sip of his Coke.

“Are you busy tomorrow night?” When the other shook his head Kibum grinned, the white straw in his drink pulled between his teeth.

“Then stay overnight. We even have your favorite chips at home.”

 

**Chapter 12**

 

“Mum, Jonghyun is coming over tomorrow.”

Kibum stated it as a fact and not like a question when he came home after bidding Jonghyun goodbye at the tram station, letting the front door fall shut behind him. He peacefully untied his shoes in the hallway, placing them near the entrance before he heard footsteps on the floor.

“Oh, he is?”

When Kibum looked up his mum stood in the doorframe leading to the living room with a grey jogging suit on, a little smile framing her lips. He knew that his mum wouldn’t make any trouble because of Jonghyun so Kibum just nodded and picked up his school bag from the ground.

“Yeah, he helps me with the biology presentation I have to do on Monday. It’s okay if he stays here for the night, right?”

He had to admit that helping out and biology presentation in one sentence that involved his boyfriend sounded a little off, but it was the truth. The main reason for Jonghyun’s stay was his presentation after all. Of course, he knew that they wouldn’t work on it all day, but he hoped that the other really could help him out and wouldn’t be too much of a distraction.

“Yeah, yeah sure. Why not,” Kibum’s mum responded, but he could clearly see a spark of hesitation in her words, making him frown a little.

“What is it?” he asked immediately, watching her attentively.

“You use protection, right?”

The question fell from her lips and hit Kibum like a punch to his stomach, knocking the air out of him. He wouldn’t get the birds and bees talk now, would he? He couldn’t suppress the heavy blush creeping on his cheeks as he searched for words, not wanting to talk to his mother about stuff like that at all. It was embarrassing, to say the least. He had the internet; he didn’t need his mum for it.

“Muuum,” he whined, fingers fumbling with the buttons on his school uniform.

“Honey, don’t be embarrassed. I’m your mum.”

Wasn’t that reason enough to be embarrassed? Talking with his mum about sex?

“Mum, don’t…just don’t. I…we’re…not that far yet. So no…need to worry,” he blurted out, even his ears turning into a soft pink. He wanted to hide under a blanket when his mum sent him an understanding smile and came up to him, running her hand through his hair like she always had done when he still had been a little boy. On a mental list with embarrassments, he had to endure during the past 16 years of his life this talk would be without a doubt stand at the very top.

“I’m going to bed,” he murmured without looking his mother in the eye and turned around, heading directly to his bedroom.

“Sleep tight, honey. When does Jonghyun come over?”

“Around noon,” he muttered before he closed the door to his room behind him. He leaned against it then, letting his head fall back against the even surface and taking a deep breath.

“You use protection, right?” He repeated quietly to himself and snorted, rubbing his face with his palms. It still felt a tad uncomfortable to kiss and touch Jonghyun at times and to think of sex was way out of Kibum’s league. He bit his bottom lip with a sigh and pushed himself off the door to put his school bag down next to his desk. With tired hands. he unfastened his tie and placed it on the back of his swivel chair. While he took off the rest of his clothes to change into his pajamas his mobile phone started to ring and he immediately kneeled down to search for it in his school bag.

 

_“I hope you got home safely. Thanks for the lovely day. I wish you a good night and sweet dreams. See you tomorrow! <3”_

 

The smile Kibum had on his lips reached up to his eyes and he automatically pressed the reply button to answer Jonghyun’s message. Afterwards he stepped out of his pants and unbuttoned his white shirt to place them over his chair. He tidied up his room when he had changed into plaid pajama pants and a baby blue t-shirt, putting his school uniform back into his wardrobe and removing all his dirty clothes from the floor to stuff them into the hamper in the bathroom. It was already past midnight when he was satisfied with the result of his late night tidying up and sat down in his bed; the lamp on his nightstand flooding the room with a warm yellow light. Kibum looked around a little aimlessly, his thoughts wandering to Jonghyun. He was sure that Jonghyun didn’t sleep yet but worked on music or played around on his laptop. The image made him grin and he leaned over to his nightstand to pull out his sketchbook and a pencil, flipping through the drawings till he found a blank page. He huddled into one corner of his bed, wrapped up in his blanket and started to draw. Kibum didn't have a specific situation in his mind when his hand moved swiftly over the page, the pencil leaving thin, grey strokes on it. The strokes soon became a pair of big, round eyes and Kibum nibbled on his lip in guilt as he realized that he drew Jonghyun yet again. Now that he was together with the other it felt even weirder to draw him without his knowledge. He stopped to draw then and looked down at his unfinished work with a sad face before he closed the sketchbook and put it away with a sigh. Maybe he should ask Jonghyun to model for him one day instead of continuing to draw the other from his memory.

Kibum soon drifted into sleep after he had switched off his bedside lamp, his dreams filled with events of the past day.

***

A soft knock on his bedroom door woke Kibum up a few hours later and he groaned in displeasure, not wanting to face his mum yet. He had set his alarm clock for 9 o’clock so he had enough time to eat, shower, dress up and hang around before Jonghyun would come so why was she waking him up? He turned around on his stomach, pulling his pillow over his head to drown out the knocking on the door.

“Go away! It’s not even 9,” he yelled in frustration when the knocking didn’t stop, his voice muffled by the thick pillow on his head. When he heard the door open seconds later he whined and curled up into a ball, clearly not happy with the fact that he was woken up before his alarm clock had the chance to do it.

“Muuum…,” he wailed when his window was opened, the fresh air making his flesh crawl. He first realized that something was off when his blanket was pulled down to his hips and two cold hands found their way under his shirt, stroking his sides softly. With a jerk he pulled the pillow away from his head, turned around and blinked his eyes, his grinning boyfriend appearing into his blurred vision.

“What the…”

He was way too drowsy to understand the situation so he looked up at Jonghyun with small eyes, the older laughing silently at him.

“Good morning, sleepyhead. Did you sleep well?”

“What are you doing here?” was the only thing he managed to ask, his voice hoarse from sleep. Was he still asleep? Was this a dream?

“Uhm…you invited me over. So here I am,” the smile on Jonghyun’s face didn’t disappear, not even when Kibum stared at him in complete confusion.

“But it’s not even 9…What the…you…you said you'd come around noon.”

There were a few things Kibum could hardly handle and the abrupt interruption of his sleep after a short night was one of them.

“Kibum, check your clock,” Jonghyun suggested and pointed at the alarm clock sitting on Kibum’s nightstand, the younger one’s eyes widening in an instant as the display told him that it was 12:13 PM already. How was that possible?

“Shit!” he cursed, hands pulling at his messy bed hair. “Shit, shit, shit…Why didn’t it ring?” he fussed almost desperately and shook the alarm clock in his hands, his deprivation of sleep forgotten all of a sudden. He had overslept for 3 hours! Why didn’t his mum wake him up?

“No idea, but hey…it doesn’t matter, so please relax,” Jonghyun grinned and sat down next to the younger, encircling the other’s waist with his arms.

“I’m such a failure,” Kibum sighed with slouchy shoulders and pressed his palms against his eyes.

“Oh come on, Kibum. You’re not,” Jonghyun said reassuringly, placing a soft kiss on the other’s temple.

“But I wanted to shower and dress up and I don’t know.”

“You still can do that now.”

Jonghyun’s nose stroked along his cheeks and it made it harder for Kibum to think straight so he turned his head to face the older, a sigh leaving his lips as he took in the other’s features for the first time that day. Jonghyun’s hair was slightly tousled, strands of hair framing his face. It had grown a lot over the past few weeks.

“I don’t want to make you wait,” Kibum pouted, rubbing out the sleep from his eyes. On the inside, he knew that he acted unreasonably, because they had the whole day and night to do whatever they wanted to do so it didn’t really matter if Jonghyun waited a bit, but in his current state he was still too embarrassed that he overslept his date.

“I don’t mind. You have my guitar here. I can play a bit while I wait. So, move your little ass to the bathroom and don’t worry about me. Everything is fine.”

With that Jonghyun shoved the younger gently from the bed, causing the other to stand up on shaky legs. Kibum looked down at Jonghyun a little insecurely, fingers fumbling with the hem of his t-shirt. He hadn’t planned on welcoming the other to his home like that.

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked as he walked over to his wardrobe and grabbed a big, black hoodie sweater with white lettering on it that read ‘Punk’, a pair of blue jeans and red plaid boxer shorts. Those weren’t clothes he had intended on wearing this day, but they had been the first ones within reach.

“Nah. I’m fine,” Jonghyun grinned and got up to get the guitar bag standing next to the windowsill.

“Give me 10 minutes and I’ll be back,” Kibum promised when Jonghyun sat down with his guitar in his hands, plucking several strings.

“No need to hurry.”

Kibum simply nodded in response, casting one last glance in Jonghyun’s direction before he left the room, passing his mum on the way.

“Mum…I…I overslept. Why didn’t you wake me up?” he whined, sending his mum a despising look.

“I thought you’re awake. Your alarm clock went off around 9 so I thought I don’t need to worry about you. Did Jonghyun wake you up?” she asked a little astonished, putting on a thin jacket.

“Yeah, he did. I…the alarm clock really went off? Why didn’t I hear it?”

His mum just shrugged, slipping into a pair of shoes before reaching out for her purse that lay on the floor.

“I'm meeting up with a colleague from work for a cup of coffee and later on I need to grab a few things for dinner. So I’ll be away for a while, okay?” she then said, already opening the front door. Kibum simply nodded, still confused that he had overheard his alarm clock. No one could overhear such an ear-splitting sound.

“You two have fun,” she smiled and waved her son goodbye before she left the flat and closed the door. Kibum stood in the hallway a little helplessly for a few seconds and stared at the closed entrance before he decided that it wasn’t the right time to stand around since Jonghyun was waiting for him.

Under the shower the thought wouldn’t leave him how it would be if Jonghyun joined him under the showerhead, soaping him like he had wanted to in the swimming pool. His vivid fantasy caused him to turn on the cold water a little later to get rid of a little problem the image had created. He didn't have time to jerk off under the shower now, not when Jonghyun was sitting in another room a few meters away from him. Kibum really did hurry, brushing his teeth under the shower to save time. He carelessly dried himself with a towel when he stepped out of the shower after 5 minutes and put on his clothes afterwards in a rush. He didn’t even comb his hair, going back to his room with a damp mess on his head.

“9 minutes and 15 seconds. You’re good,” Jonghyun grinned and looked up from the guitar in his hand when Kibum entered the room. The younger raised his arms triumphantly after hearing the time of his absence and came over to the bed to slump down on the mattress next to Jonghyun, shifting closer to the older till their thighs touched.

“Hi,” Kibum whispered then, leaned forward and pressed a little kiss on Jonghyun’s cheek, making the grin on Jonghyun’s lips grow wider.

“Hi there,” the elder responded with a smirk, one hand cupping Kibum’s chin and pulling him nearer. The kiss that followed was the right thing to completely wake up and Kibum leaned into it, his heart fluttering when Jonghyun’s lips sucked on the tip of his tongue. The time they had spent in the swimming pool had indeed brought along more trust and intimacy and Kibum was thankful for it, because it made it easier for him to show Jonghyun how much he actually cared about him.

“You drip.”

With a low chuckle, Jonghyun pulled away from their kiss, wiping away some drops of water from his face.

“Sorry,” Kibum replied a little sheepishly, biting his lip when his hand tousled his already disheveled hair.

“It’s okay. So what does your plan for today look like?” Jonghyun asked, folding his hands onto the guitar, eyes looking curiously over at Kibum.

“Plan?”

“Yeah, I mean we have all day and all night. Oh, by the way…look what I’ve brought with me.”

Carefully Jonghyun placed the guitar behind him on the bed and stood up to pick up his bag from the floor next to Kibum’s desk chair. When he sat down on the bed again he opened it and Kibum’s eyes widened as the other pulled out a 400 ml bottle of Chamisul Soju.

“No, you didn’t really bring…,” Kibum started to express his disbelief but was interrupted by the elder’s words.

“Yes, I did. Oh come on, it was fun last time,” Jonghyun chuckled, knocking the other’s shoulder lightly with his own.

“But we’re not alone. My mum will be here. If she finds out I’m dead and you’re out,” the younger stuttered, still staring down at the green bottle in Jonghyun’s hands. Had he really told his mum that Jonghyun was a good boy? Well, there were things mothers apparently really didn’t need to know.

“She doesn’t need to know. It’s not like I want us to get drunk. We can drink one when we’re done with your presentation…well, to celebrate it,” he stated encouragingly, stuffing the bottle back into his bag and pulling out a green folder seconds later. “Before I forget it…here are my biology notes. I marked the pages about the mitochondrion with post its.”

***

Working with Jonghyun on a presentation was fun and entertaining but also unbelievably distracting. Kibum had stopped to count the times Jonghyun had stretched his limbs with a sigh, revealing a piece of his pale skin under a red t-shirt. Of course, he knew what Jonghyun’s body looked like by now, but seeing just a little of it was very effective for his imagination. He chewed on the end of his pencil, actually occupied with copying the structure and functions of the mitochondrion from Jonghyun’s notes, but his eyes seemed to be focused on the patch of hip that was exposed yet again when the other stretched his arms into the air with a groan. He wasn’t sure if Jonghyun did that on purpose or if his muscles really were this weak that he had to distend them every few minutes.

“Why are you doing this?” Kibum asked when he noted in horror that he had just managed to write down two sentences in 15 minutes.

“Doing what?” Jonghyun questioned back, dumbfounded, and looked up from cutting an empty plastic bottle into two halves.

“This,” Kibum uttered, stretching his arms in every possible direction to imitate the other. His hoodie didn’t reveal any skin, though. It was too long for that.

“It helps me to concentrate,” Jonghyun simply answered and Kibum snorted, muttering a low “Liar” into the neckline of his sweater.

“Did you just call me a liar?”

“Maybe.”

“Why?”

“Be honest. You just want to distract me from my work,” Kibum pointed out, underlying his comment with a wave of the pencil in his hand.

“What?” There was a deep frown on Jonghyun’s face and Kibum wasn’t certain if the innocent expression on the other’s face was honest or just a very good act.

“You show off some skin when you stretch,” he then said matter-of-factly, ears turning slightly red when Jonghyun looked down at himself to check if the statement was true.

“You saw me almost naked already. How can some tiny piece of flesh distract you?”

“That’s different. This is more teasing.” Kibum felt like he had drunk some glasses of soju already, his tongue being loose and processing information faster than his usual insecure mind did.

“Teasing?” There was a short gleam flashing in Jonghyun’s eyes before he grinned and pulled up his shirt for a millisecond, tugging it back into place too fast to memorize anything.

“You’re such a child,” Kibum huffed, causing the other to laugh.

“And you’re a secret pervert,” the older grinned, falling from the chair Kibum had fetched from the kitchen with a laugh when the younger pushed him playfully. Kibum’s hand flew to his mouth in shock when he saw the other lying on the ground and he got up to help Jonghyun just to be pulled down to the floor.

“Got you,” Jonghyun smirked and Kibum felt pretty warm all of a sudden, his position on top of the older making him slightly uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable in a way that high altitudes made him feel, but more in a way that made his stomach tingle and caused the blood in his veins to flow into directions that would make him feel really embarrassed. He tried to scramble away from Jonghyun then but was held back by the other who grabbed his wrists with both hands.

“Don’t get up yet.”

“But…the floor is cold and I have to finish the presentation,” Kibum stammered, trying to free his hands from Jonghyun’s grip.

“Do I distract you again?”

Kibum wasn’t sure how Jonghyun managed it to be so sweet, romantic and caring on one side and so openly sexual and horny on the other. This wasn’t fair at all. Not fair, because it made him imagine things he didn’t want to.

“Yeah, you do,” Kibum answered honestly and pulled his hands away when the grip around his wrists ceased. When he got up to sit back at the desk Jonghyun pushed himself into an upright position and looked over at Kibum with a smile.

“After we had some soju I’ll try my luck again.”

“Try your luck again with what?” Kibum asked, eyes fixed on the notes in front of him.

“To fool around with you.”

***

By the time Kibum and Jonghyun were finished with preparing the presentation Kibum’s mum was back, wandering into the room with a tray in her hands without knocking and Kibum felt reminded of the story Jonghyun had told him about his mum who hadn’t knocked on the door when he had been busy with a girl. The boys were just sitting innocently at the desk and glued yellow paper against the plastic bottle to build a model of the mitochondrion, but still, Kibum flinched away from his task when he heard his mum coming into his room.

“I bring you some snacks,” she smiled motherly and placed the tray onto the nightstand and went over to her son, placing her small hands onto Kibum’s shoulders, looking what the boys were working on. Kibum knew that his mum was more interested in the interaction between him and Jonghyun than that mitochondrion made out of a plastic bottle, but he didn’t give her the satisfaction of witnessing that.

“Thanks, mum,” he said and spread some glue on another piece of yellow paper before he pressed it against the plastic bottle.

“Thank you, Mrs. Kim,” Jonghyun repeated with a friendly smile and tried to free himself of a recalcitrant piece of paper that stuck to his fingers.

“It’s so nice of you that you help Kibum with his presentation,” she smiled and Kibum rolled his eyes, wishing for his mum to leave his room again. He really loved his mum with all his heart, but he really didn’t want to spend time with her while Jonghyun was in his room.

“No problem. I’m glad I can help,” Jonghyun explained and even though Kibum wanted to smile dreamingly again he didn’t, because it was so iniquitously that his boyfriend acted so saintly in front of his mum when he had tried to seduce him to alcohol and other unholy things just a few hours ago. But in the end, he was thankful that Jonghyun could switch roles so easily because if his mum liked Jonghyun he surely could spend even more time with the other and that was the best thing he could think of.

When his mum continued to stand behind him without a particular reason Kibum turned his head and looked up at her with an expression on his face that told more than a thousand words.

“Uhm…then…I’m leaving again,” she said hastily after noticing her son’s stare, patted Kibum’s shoulders and sent Jonghyun a smile before she left the room to Kibum’s relief.

“Your mum is really sweet,” Jonghyun mentioned while he cut several strips out of blue crepe paper.

“She knows it,” Kibum just said calmly, looking down at the bottle in front of them.

“Knows what?”

“About us,” he answered and avoided the surprised look Jonghyun cast his way. He was a bit afraid that Jonghyun wouldn’t be happy about the fact that his mum knew it already, but didn’t it make everything easier for them? At least when Jonghyun visited him?

“Oh,” was the only thing Jonghyun uttered before he folded the cut-out stripes into waves and glued them carefully to the bottom of the bottle. “Did…did you tell her?” he asked hesitantly after several moments of silence and Kibum shook his head, sticking another piece of yellow paper against the bottle.

“No. She just knew it. She talked to me about you after you’ve been here for the first time. I don’t know… it’s her maternal instinct I guess. Is it…is it a problem for you?” Kibum didn’t really dare to ask, but since he had talked to Jinki about it days ago the question hadn’t really left him.

“No…no, it’s not. But why haven’t you told me earlier?” Jonghyun words sounded genuine and Kibum believed him when he said that it didn’t matter to him because after all, he had been the one who had asked him straightforwardly if he was gay the first time they had met outside of school.

“I don’t know,” Kibum shrugged and placed the glue on his desk, turning around to face the other. “I mean…I don’t know how you think about it. Do you want to keep it a secret? Do you even want to tell your parents…well, do you want to tell anyone about us? I don’t know what the better option would be,” he sighed and watched how Jonghyun stuck the last parts of the stripes to the bottle before he lifted his gaze up from his work and looked at Kibum.

“I’m always saying ‘What the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over’. If someone would ask me about us I wouldn’t lie. I hate lying, but I don’t know. I think it’s just our business and not anyone else’s. You know what I mean? I don’t really care what others think as long as it doesn’t cause any harm. But maybe I’m just a little naïve to think that way,” he grinned, fiddling with the glue that stuck to his fingertips. “How do you think about it?” Jonghyun asked then, peeking at Kibum inquisitively.

“I agree. I’ve never understood what the big deal of ‘coming out’ is anyway. A girl who loves a boy also doesn’t come out and says ‘Hey look. I’m heterosexual’. It’s such nonsense,” Kibum explained with voluptuous gestures, causing Jonghyun to laugh. It was liberating to hear that they shared an opinion on this matter because it made Kibum feel more at ease.

“My thoughts exactly. If everyone thought the way we do there wouldn’t be any problems in this world I guess. Or well, at least fewer problems,” Jonghyun said with a smile and reached out to interlace his fingers with Kibum’s.

***

Late in the afternoon, they hung around on Kibum’s bed, feeling accomplished after completing Kibum’s mitochondrion model. They listened to one of the CDs Jonghyun had burnt for the younger one in comfortable silence and to Kibum it felt magical to lie next to Jonghyun in his bed, their shoulders and legs touching. He felt relegated to the day they had lied next to each other at the Han river, the sun shining down on them. He had wanted to suggest doing something outside, but it rained so Kibum preferred to spend his time with Jonghyun inside.

“Let’s play a game,” Jonghyun uttered after a while of silence and turned onto his side, his face placed in his palm.

“What kind of game?” Kibum asked inquisitively and turned his head to look up at the older one.

“A simple one. We ask each other questions and have to answer them honestly. If someone doesn’t want to answer a question they have to perform a penalty.”

“A penalty?”

“Yeah, I don’t know....maybe like running around the block through the rain, screaming something utterly stupid,” Jonghyun explained with a wave of his free hand.

“Okay. Why not,” Kibum agreed, not sure if it was really a good idea to play a game like this with Jonghyun. The last time they had played something similar to this the atmosphere had become really intimate after a while and Kibum was sure that Jonghyun’s questions would be embarrassing to answer.

“Okay. I’ll start. What’s your favorite place to masturbate?”

So yeah, he had been right. The questions were embarrassing to answer.

“Jong~,” Kibum whined, face already reddening. The innocent smile on Jonghyun’s face just widened as Kibum pushed his elbow into his chest.

“Did you just shorten my name? My kindergarten friends always called me Jong, because they still had problems with pronouncing hyun right. It sounds cute coming from you,” Jonghyun chuckled, holding his chest to protect himself from another punch into his ribs. Kibum simply huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Couldn’t you have started this game with a more subtle question?” Kibum wailed, ignoring Jonghyun’s comment about his friends in kindergarten, even though he had to admit that Jong really sounded cute.

“That wouldn’t be any fun. So, do you want to answer the question or do I have to think of a penalty for you?”

Kibum could already imagine what the penalty looked like so he just sighed, rubbing his face for a moment in embarrassment.

“Shower,” he muttered under his breath, staring at the ceiling above him.

“Uhhh…shower? How come?”

“Didn’t you say one question per round? It’s my turn now, right?” Kibum said quickly, glancing over at Jonghyun before looking back at the ceiling.

“Clever. Well, you got the rules right. Okay, then go on,” Jonghyun grinned, lying back down on the bed, crossing his arms under his head.

There were plenty of things Kibum wanted to know, but he wasn’t sure if he had the guts to ask them yet. Then again Jonghyun had just asked him where he liked to masturbate. So it was only fair if Kibum was that blunt, too.

“What was the best sex you had so far?” he questioned a little insecurely, not knowing if this question wasn’t a bit too personal. He didn’t want Jonghyun to think of events in his past if he didn’t want to because it brought back memories that hurt.

“Mmmh…well…” A thoughtful sound left Jonghyun’s lips and Kibum was already certain that Jonghyun would skip that question and ask for a penalty, but he didn’t and Kibum was more than surprised when he got an answer.

“Honestly…I don’t think it was the best sex I’ve had, especially when I think that sex is always something special and no one should separate it into good and bad sex. Anyway, I think the best experience…Yeah, let me call it the best experience in sex. However, I guess that was when I made Jinkyong come for the first time. I mean no fake orgasm or anything the like…but really come. I felt so accomplished and awesome afterwards that I run around with a fucking big grin on my lips for the rest of the week,” Jonghyun laughed and Kibum looked over at him and automatically started to smile, too.

“What did you do?” The question fell from his lips almost mechanically and as soon as he had said it out loud he already regretted it, because it might have been stupid to ask.

“I ate her out. She guided me and I followed. This experience also showed me that it’s always good to talk because it makes everything better for both parties,” he explained nonchalantly and nudged Kibum with his foot. “But now I already answered you two questions so it’s only fair that I ask you two, too,” Jonghyun added and pursed his lips a bit.

“It seems like that,” Kibum sighed, nibbling on his bottom lip. It always impressed him how easily Jonghyun could talk about anything related to sex. Maybe he would become like that too if he had more experience?

“So, back to my previous question. Why do you like it to jerk off under the shower?”

Kibum licked his lips nervously before he took a deep breath and talked.

“Because I like the warm water dripping down my skin. I don’t need to worry that someone comes in. It’s just very relaxing, that’s all,” Kibum shrugged.

“I see,” Jonghyun nodded and looked like he thought about another question for a moment. “When did you realize for the first time that you prefer boys over girls?”

This question was less sexual than the previous one but not less personal, but Kibum didn't have any problems to answer questions of this kind.

“I guess the first time it really dawned on me that I like boys was when I was 14 and saw the man in the Diet Coke commercial. Damn, this guy looked good,” Kibum grinned, causing Jonghyun to giggle.

“How cliché. I didn’t know that you like muscular men, with toned bodies and a six pack who pose around in wife beaters,” Jonghyun murmured, flexing his right arm to show off the muscles he had to offer. It wasn’t much, though and it rather caused Kibum to squeal in delight because Jonghyun looked way too cute doing that than eliciting any sexual desire in him.

“Don’t worry, I also like guys without prominent muscles,” Kibum sniggered quietly and looked over at Jonghyun who pulled his arm back.

“What a relief,” the older grinned, flicking the tip of his forefinger against Kibum’s upper arm.

“You said you liked porn, right? So, have you ever watched gay porn?” Kibum asked then, his hands securely placed on his stomach. He really wanted to know if Jonghyun had started to be interested in boys in general or if he was just an exception, something special.

“I guess every boy watches lesbian porn, right? Well, at least boys who like girls, but I think you didn’t mean that. So yeah, I did watch porn with only men…once, but I didn’t like it at all. I know that porn is all an act, but usually, I can at least imagine that the girls enjoy themselves in the videos, but those boys didn’t look like they enjoyed themselves at all. They looked either in pain or totally bored and weren’t vocal at all. Maybe I just watched the wrong one or…I don’t know,” Jonghyun told with a calm expression on his face and stretched his limbs with a silent groan.

“Sadly most guys in Asian porn movies aren’t even interested in boys and just sell their bodies because the industry pays good money for gay porn productions. That’s why most of them look either in pain or totally bored. It’s no fun for them,” Kibum explained with big gestures, peeking at Jonghyun.

“I see, you’re a gay porn expert, huh? If you have some good material to watch I’m always open for something new,” the elder grinned and turned back onto his side, reaching out his hand to trace his forefinger over Kibum’s arm. Kibum first wanted to control his heartbeat but knew that it would be a hopeless attempt so he didn’t even try and decided to respond the smirk the older sent him. It was all about risking something to achieve something in return.

“I have an external hard drive disk with lots of good gay porn. You can take it with you to check it out if you want. I can even recommend you some movies.” He didn’t sound like a creepy, old pervert who spent his days in front of his computer to jerk off, did he? Kibum wasn’t sure if he might have said too much, but when Jonghyun laughed he slowly relaxed again.

“That sounds great. Then I already know how to spend tomorrow night,” Jonghyun smiled like a kid in a candy store, fingers playing with one of the laces on Kibum’s hoodie. “So, Kibum…Have you ever thought of me when you masturbated?” he then added with a way more serious expression, eyes fixed on Kibum’s face. The younger one’s eyes just widened imperceptibly, because by now Jonghyun’s questions didn’t come to him as a surprise anymore. He answered with a simple, honest ‘yes’, finding the question a little dumb, to begin with. He had fantasized about the elder for months, so wasn’t it just natural to integrate his fantasies of Jonghyun into his encounters with his right hand? Of course, it was embarrassing but not much more embarrassing than being asked what his favorite place to masturbate was.

“Just a simple yes? Kibuuum, you play unfair. I answer everything with more than one sentence and you fob me off with a simple word? You’re so mean,” Jonghyun pouted, kicking the younger one’s leg with his foot. It made Kibum laugh inwardly, but on the surface he stayed cool, shrugging his shoulders unaffectedly.

“Then you should phrase your questions differently, stupid,” Kibum retorted and batted his eyelashes at the older whose pout immediately became even more heartbreaking to look at. He really loved to play around with Jonghyun. It was relaxing and made him forget all his worries for a while.

“Can I try again?” There was this puppy look that Jonghyun mastered so well and it made Kibum weak in the knees every single time he witnessed it. With a sigh, he imitated the look and turned onto his side to face the other directly.

“Okay. But just this once,” Kibum said seriously, wagging his forefinger in the air. The pout was replaced by a smile in an instant and Kibum already anticipated the worst.

“If you masturbate while thinking of me what do you like to imagine then?” he rephrased his question in a low voice, fingers dancing over Kibum’s side, distracting the younger one. Kibum felt the blush creeping onto his cheeks after hearing the question, his teeth nibbling on his bottom lip. It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected a question like that, but hearing it for real was still something else. He thought about his answer for a moment and tried to summarise all his fantasies in a short abstract.

“I don’t imagine creepy or weird stuff just so you know. Usually, I just extend situations that happened for real. For example…a situation that occurred pretty often by now; you and me in the music room. Instead of playing the guitar you play on me, well…wow…that sounds kind of cheap. But yeah, stuff like that. No obscure shit like alien abduction, BDSM stuff or role-plays …Nah. I’m pretty boring even when I jerk off,” Kibum explained truthfully, trying to look at Jonghyun and not at the wall behind him. It was hard, but he managed it somehow and was really proud that he didn’t feel like dying for telling the other about his fantasies. Being honest wasn’t as hard as he had imagined it to be if he just kept practicing.

“I don’t think that’s boring. It’s quite the contrary although I doubt that I can ever go to the music room again without thinking of sex now,” Jonghyun chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Kibum joined the other’s laughter, shaking his head when Jonghyun looked at him with a doubting expression on his face.

“Good thing, I get private lessons now, huh?” Kibum teased, liking the way Jonghyun’s eyes widened just a little bit. If he was honest with himself it felt pretty good to be the one who made Jonghyun a bit nervous from time to time. This was the way it was supposed to be, right?

 

**Chapter 13**

 

“I like the direction this game takes,” Jonghyun laughed, his voice sounding a little nervous. Kibum looked over at him, poking him with his finger.

“Sometimes I really don’t know what to think of you,” he commented, bedding his face on the mattress. He really didn’t know it. Sometimes he feared that there were more sides to Jonghyun he hadn’t witnessed yet than he thought. But wasn’t that the thrill about dating in the first place? Getting to know little bits of a character day by day till one day all puzzle pieces formed a picture. But maybe this would take more than a lifetime.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jonghyun asked with raised eyebrows, bedding his head in his hands in the same way Kibum had done. The younger really liked this position, because he was able to see Jonghyun’s face from up close, but still far enough away to be able to see the outlines of his face clearly.

“That you’re a weirdo, Kim Jonghyun,” Kibum grinned and dodged away when Jonghyun wanted to flick his forehead with a finger. Both laughed in unison, falling silent all of a sudden when their eyes met. Kibum pressed his lips together into a thin line, his heart missing a beat when Jonghyun sent him a smile, little crinkles appearing around his shining eyes.

“The little scar you have next to your right eye, how did that happen?” Kibum asked quietly, forefinger carefully reaching out to touch the little, roundish scar. It wasn’t a prominent mark, not even visible if you looked at Jonghyun from a normal distance, but discernible if you saw him up close. The question was something completely different to the ones before, but Kibum was interested in everything that involved Jonghyun, even his little flaws.

“I’ve been a pirate in my previous life and the scar reminds me of my vicious doings,” Jonghyun chuckled, noticeably leaning into the touch before Kibum withdrew his finger again.

“Wasn’t that game about honesty?” Kibum added for consideration, crooking his left eyebrow in thought.

“Chickenpox. But that sounds so not cool,” Jonghyun sighed with a tiny sulk, tousling his hair sheepishly. “I also have one on my left foot. My mum told me I shouldn’t scratch because it leaves scars, but as a kid, you don’t listen to your mum when your whole body itches,” he explained and pointed down at his foot. Kibum nodded in agreement, knowing all too well how it sucked to have chickenpox as a kid.

“I feel your pain,” Kibum grinned, finding the scar all the more adorable now. He liked scars because they told stories about their owner’s life; be it sad or happy ones… they formed a person.

“You’re too kind.” Jonghyun pressed one hand against his chest with a laugh before he quietened down again, a thoughtful hum leaving his lips.

“And what’s about the one you have here?” he asked in return, his finger tracing an almost almond-shaped looking scar across Kibum’s right eyebrow. The younger shivered under the touch and looked up at Jonghyun’s finger.

“That happened during an encounter with a sharp stone. I was four back then and played by myself in a small pond behind our house in my hometown. I tried to catch frogs and was so happy when I finally caught one. Apparently, I wanted to show the frog to my mum who hung up the wash in our garden while I played and when I tried to run to her I slipped on the stones and fell. I’m lucky that the stone hit just my eyebrow and not my eye. My mum immediately called my dad and we drove to the hospital because the wound was so deep. I got three stitches and a strawberry lollipop to calm me down, because I cried so hard,” Kibum told and held up three fingers, a pitiful look appearing on Jonghyun’s face.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Ah, it’s nothing. I can’t even remember it anymore. My mum told me about it. I’m still alive, so everything is fine,” Kibum grinned, reaching out to grab Jonghyun’s hand, carefully intertwining their fingers. Jonghyun’s hand was warm and slightly sweaty, but Kibum didn’t mind that. His fingertips felt a little rough from playing the guitar so excessively and he could sense the veins on the back of the other’s hand. Jonghyun smiled down at their interlaced fingers, mimicking Kibum’s actions. Holding hands was such a simple gesture and still, it felt so intimate to Kibum because he held hands with someone who truly meant something to him.

“Jonghyun,” Kibum started to voice a new question but paused to think about it for another second, eyes fixed on Jonghyun’s thumb that stroked his knuckles.

“Mmhh?”

It felt a little awkward to ask, but they had asked way more embarrassing questions by now so Kibum tried not to worry about it too much. It was fun and interesting to talk so openly to Jonghyun so false shame was out of question right now.

“Do you have any erogenous zones?” he murmured carefully; the area around his nose turning into a soft pink. It couldn’t be bad to ask, could it? Just for future references. A light snigger reached his ears and Kibum nibbled on his bottom lip when Jonghyun shifted a little closer.

“Well, actually I shouldn’t answer this question, because isn’t it better to find them out yourself?” the older whispered, amusement ringing in his voice. Of course, he was right about that, but Kibum couldn’t suppress the urge to gather information in advance. Wouldn’t it be a good thing if he wasn’t totally clueless in case they should ever become more intimate with each other? Deep down he hated the fact that he had no clue how to please someone else, how to make someone feel good. Well, lots of porn and sex education in school had given him a vague picture of it, but other than Jonghyun he had no personal experience with it and at times it really frustrated him. Of course, it was great to treasure his ‘firsts’ with Jonghyun, but there was still this nagging feeling in the back of his head that being inexperienced like he was would bore Jonghyun out at some point. He knew that Jonghyun didn't have any experience with boys either, but Kibum was convinced that except for a few things boys and girls weren’t all too different when it came to intimacy.

“But I would really like to know it,” Kibum mumbled a little embarrassedly, eyes wandering over the other’s arm up to his face that was way too close now. He automatically leaned back a bit to create some space between him and Jonghyun, his gaze fixed on the other’s lips. Kibum was a little startled when the older pulled his hand away from his to place his fingers under Kibum’s chin instead, gently cradling his head.

“Okay…well, apart from the obvious place boys like to be touched,” Jonghyun began with a smirk, his thumb fondling Kibum’s bottom lip. “I’m really sensitive in the area of my lower back…like really, really sensitive…and uhm, my left ear is really sensitive, too,” he added with a grin, withdrawing his hand to touch said ear.

“Just the left one?” Kibum asked, confused, his eyes following the other’s fingers to his ear.

“Well, the other is sensitive, too, but not like the left one. I wore a piercing in my left earlobe for a long time till I took it off this spring and since then it became really sensitive to touches,” he explained with a shrug, placing his hand back onto the blanket. Kibum nodded understandingly and noted the information he got down in an imaginary notebook.

“How about you?”

Kibum simply shrugged to that, not knowing what to answer. How was he supposed to know where he was sensitive when no one had ever touched him for real? Touching yourself wasn’t the same and didn’t feel the same way, that was certain. Of course, Jonghyun had touched him before and it had felt good and nice, but he hadn’t touched him in a way that initiated anything…sexual.

“What does your shrugging want to tell me?”

“That I don’t have an answer. I don’t know it. No one ever…well, you know what I want to say,” Kibum cut off himself, looking up at Jonghyun to make sure that the older really knew what he meant. When he saw the older nod he relaxed a little but flinched as soon as he heard a knock on the door. He was glad that his mother knocked, though. Within a blink of an eye, he sat up in his bed, smoothing his clothes as to make sure that his mother wouldn’t get any wrong ideas why both boys were on Kibum’s bed. Jonghyun sat up too and looked over at Kibum when he asked his mum to come in.

“I just wanted to tell you that dinner is ready,” she announced with a motherly smile and Kibum could clearly see how his mother’s hawk eyes checked his room for any inappropriate happenings within seconds.

“Thanks, mum. We’re coming,” Kibum answered immediately and got up from the bed, glancing at Jonghyun over his shoulder to signalize him that it was time to get up. The older got the hint, standing up immediately and following Kibum and his mum into the kitchen.

***

After his first dinner with Jonghyun and his mum Kibum had thought that every other meal couldn’t reach a higher level of awkwardness, but apparently, he had been wrong because his mum knew much more about the two of them than she had before and the looks she gave them made Kibum feel pretty uncomfortable. Couldn’t she at least try to be a bit more discreet about the whole thing? He really had to talk to her about it, because he didn’t want to scare Jonghyun away by all means.

“So how did you two meet anyway? You aren’t in the same year,” Kibum’s mum asked curiously, chewing on a piece of tofu, her eyes wandering between Jonghyun and Kibum. Hadn’t he already told her how they had met? Kibum rolled his eyes, stuffing some Kimchi into his mouth. When he looked up he saw the older one looking at him enquiringly and he sighed, swallowing the pickled vegetable in one go.

“But mum I already told you. Jonghyun gives piano and guitar lessons and I took some,” he explained half-heartedly, picking some more Kimchi out of a white bowl in the middle of the table.

“Yes, I got that, but you’ve never been interested in music. So how did you come up with the decision to take guitar lessons all of a sudden?” she asked further, causing her son to blush slightly. She got a point there. He noticed the small smirk on Jonghyun’s face from the corner of his eye. He had his head lowered slightly and obviously tried to pretend that he was busy with the tofu in his rice. What a meanie, Kibum thought and poked at the rice on his own plate.

“I wanted to try something new. New school, new hobbies…I saw him giving lessons to a girl once and thought he’s decent enough. End of story.” It wasn’t the whole truth but close to it, because surely he wouldn’t tell his mum that he had ogled over Jonghyun for months. The upset look Jonghyun sent his way when he heard the words ‘decent enough’ was easy-to-read. Kibum would have loved to stick out his tongue at him, but he didn’t and settled for a reassuring pat with his left foot against Jonghyun’s calf, receiving a tiny smile in return.

“How long are you already playing the guitar and the piano, Jonghyun?”

Kibum probably had sounded reliable enough so that his mum went over to ask another question and he took a deep breath, relieved that this question wasn’t directed at him. Was dinner not supposed to be something peaceful and relaxing? So how did it come that he felt like he was sitting in an examination?

“I play the guitar for 11 years and the piano for 13 or 14 years,” Jonghyun answered with a genuine smile directed at Kibum’s mum who returned the smile, nodding in approval.

“And does my Kibum’s guitar play improve? Does he even have a talent for it? I never thought of him as musically talented, he always has been more into art.”

Kibum really hated it when his mum started to talk about him like he wasn’t even present, something parents probably liked to do in the company of others on a regular basis.

“For me, music is just another form of art. Instead of expressing your emotions with a brush and colors you do it with instruments and notes, and yes, he’s pretty decent. He’s improving fast, but he’s a bit lazy when it comes to practicing. He lets himself be distracted too easily,” Jonghyun grinned, trying not to howl in pain when Kibum kicked him under the table again, a lot harder this time. Weirdly enough Kibum’s mother seemed to be oblivious to the foot kicking under the table and simply nodded in agreement.

“Yes, Kibum was always one to get distracted easily. His teachers in elementary school always told me that Kibum seemed to be more interested in daydreaming and watching butterflies in front of the window than the lesson itself.”

“Oh mum, not that again. That’s been years,” Kibum whined, placing the last piece of tofu into his mouth.

“It might be, but you haven’t changed in that matter. Your head is still up in the clouds most of the time. You’re still a dreamer, honey,” she pointed with her chopsticks at him before she grabbed some rice from her plate and ate it.

“We don’t really need to discuss that now, mum.” His tone was calm but determined and she seemed to get the cue, going over to offer some more Kimchi to Jonghyun with a smile.

***

After dinner, the boys took a roll mat, a pillow, a duvet and fresh bedclothes from Kibum’s mum’s bedroom to bring them into his room. While Kibum made Jonghyun’s bed after telling the other that he really didn’t need to help him Jonghyun checked his e-mails on Kibum’s computer, sitting comfortably at the white desk.

“Yah Kibum, we really need to take photos together. I want to change my Cyworld profile picture.”

That said Jonghyun pulled his mobile phone out of his jeans’ pocket and turned around on the swivel chair to face the younger one. Kibum smiled shyly to himself, closing the last buttons of the grass green pillowcase in his hands. His stomach tingled at the thought of taking pictures with Jonghyun. They had taken just one before and it made Kibum sad because he wanted to memorize his time with Jonghyun as good as possible and wasn’t taking photos together a part of it?

“Sure.”

He tried to sound not all too excited, but his breath hitched anyway when Jonghyun suddenly hugged him from behind and rested his chin on his shoulder.

A back hug.

It really felt as good as he always had imagined it to. Kibum was still too occupied with drowning in the feeling of Jonghyun’s chest pressing against his back to realize that the elder held his mobile phone in front of them, taking a picture.

“Yah Kibum…you need to look into the camera,” Jonghyun chuckled when he looked at the picture he had taken.

“Then you need to tell me that you’re going to take a picture, stupid,” the younger pouted, slowly relaxing into the hug. It felt good…almost too good, because he could clearly feel the other’s crotch pressing against his backside and he wasn’t sure if Jonghyun knew what this knowledge caused in him.

“Okay…Kibum, look cute I’m going to take a picture now,” Jonghyun announced and Kibum felt how the other’s head leaned closer to his till they touched.

“How do I look cute?” he asked timidly, turning his head to Jonghyun, his action caught by the camera a second later. “Did you just take a picture?” Kibum added, astonished when Jonghyun turned his mobile phone to look at the screen, the younger taking a glance at it. “Yah…I wasn’t even ready yet,” he whined when he saw how his mouth hung open in the picture unfavorably, his face turned to Jonghyun.

“Okay, do you want to take a picture with it then?” Jonghyun asked with a grin, one of his arms still securely placed around Kibum’s waist. The gesture really made Kibum feel secure and good.

“Yeah,” Kibum sulked and grabbed Jonghyun’s mobile phone, acquainting himself with the technique of it for a moment. “Okay, ready?” Kibum then asked, focusing on the camera when he heard the other hum next to him. At first, he smiled happily at the camera, but his finger pushed the button to take a photo in reflex when he suddenly sensed a pair of lips pressing softly against his cheek.

“Jong~,” he stuttered and held his cheek, not daring to look at the picture.

“You really should use Jong as a pet name. I like it,” Jonghyun smiled and reached for the phone in Kibum’s hand, his eyes twinkling when he looked at the picture. “This one is really cute. You look adorable when you’re shocked,” the elder sniggered, placing a little kiss to Kibum’s neck.

“I wasn’t prepared for a kiss,” Kibum murmured a little embarrassedly, shyly glancing over at the screen. The photo really was cute except for the fact that Kibum looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“You need preparation for a kiss?” Jonghyun teased and turned Kibum around so he had to face him.

“Well…,” the younger hesitated, a wave of his hated insecurity washing over him for a second. There wasn’t much time to drown in it, though, when Jonghyun placed one of his hands on his cheeks and pulled him down a bit, placing a chaste kiss on his lips. Kibum really started to enjoy those little innocent kisses, because even the slightest touch of Jonghyun’s lips on his made his heart jump in delight.

Jonghyun smiled at him when he pulled away again, his fingers caressing Kibum’s cheeks.

“You are really something, Kim Kibum,” the elder grinned and gently bumped their noses together, making Kibum close his eyes with a soft smile. He couldn’t even describe how much he enjoyed the time he spent with Jonghyun. The elder caused something to bloom within him which had been buried for so long.

***

An hour later they had settled down to watch an American comedy called “Harold and Kumar – Escape from Guantanamo Bay” with Korean subs on a ‘free movie streaming site’ on Kibum’s computer; the screen turned to the bed so they could follow the movie from their position on the mattress. Both were huddled together under Kibum’s blanket, leaning against the wall, a bag with sour crème chips lying on the blanket in front of them. Kibum had locked his door, just to make sure that everything that could happen in his room would stay in it and nipped on the bottle of soju Jonghyun had pushed into his direction after the first 15 minutes of the movie. He first had declined Jonghyun’s offer to drink something, but he didn’t want to appear as a spoilsport so he had indulged in the end, sharing the bottle with the older one. They didn’t have glasses to drink from, but Kibum didn’t mind to drink straight from the bottle, it made things a little more relaxing and cozy. Kibum wasn’t really a person who enjoyed watching comedies, but Jonghyun had promised that this one was really funny. Kibum didn’t complain at first, because he was already happy that he didn’t need to endure another horror movie and he loved to see Jonghyun laugh so freely, his voice vibrating in his ears, making him smile, too.

However, after 40 minutes Kibum’s opinion on seeing Jonghyun laugh had changed a bit and he was glad to have the alcohol because he wasn’t sure if he could have endured so much nonsense any longer without it. But the worst thing about the whole movie was that Jonghyun laughed at every lame joke Kibum just could roll his eyes at. “What's up with the guy with the weird eyes? He handicapped or something?” “We believe he's of Korean descent.” “My God. North Korea and Al Qaeda working together. This is bigger than I thought.“  
What was supposed to be funny about that? It was discriminating, racist and stupid, but it made Jonghyun laugh so hard that Kibum thought for a second that he would choke on the chips he had eaten before. Maybe he missed a gene that made people laugh at something like that?

“You don’t look too happy. Does this movie bore you?” Jonghyun noticed after Kibum gave him the bottle of soju with a blank expression on his face, his lips framing a little pout.

“It’s not my kind of humor I guess,” Kibum shrugged nonchalantly, watching the older take a gulp from the bottle. They had emptied three-quarters of the bottle by now and Kibum had hoped that he would find the movie funny if the amount of alcohol in his body increased, but sadly the movie stayed as lame as it had been.

“Shall I turn it off?” Jonghyun asked then, looking questioningly at his boyfriend before he took another sip from the bottle in his hand.

“Nah…it’s okay. I’ll… survive,” the younger said with a wave of his hand, realizing that his words came out a little bit slurred. He still wasn’t really used to alcohol.

“But we don’t need to watch it till the end if you don’t like it? I’ve already seen it anyway.”

That said Jonghyun got up from the bed, declined any further discussion and went over to the computer, stopping the movie with a click on Kibum’s white mouse. The sigh that Kibum’s mouth left after that was one of relief and guilt. Of course, he was happy that he didn’t need to watch the movie till the end, but he knew that Jonghyun had liked to watch it.

“But you enjoyed it,” Kibum murmured, following the other with his eyes as Jonghyun went over to his CD Player, checking out the stack of discs that piled up next to it.

“But it’s no fun if we don’t enjoy it together,” Jonghyun shrugged and sent Kibum a wink over his shoulder that made the younger one’s stomach tingle.

“[Is Coldplay okay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzxoLZXF9SI&feature=youtu.be)?” Jonghyun asked after browsing through the albums he had burnt for Kibum, pulling one out of the stack and holding it up for Kibum to see. The younger had to think about the band for a second before he remembered that he had heard them before and nodded. One of their songs had been on the discs Jonghyun had compiled especially for him. Jonghyun smiled at him before he opened the CD case and inserted the CD into the player, pushing the play button when he was done. He came back to the bed with the soju bottle in his hand; his steps accompanied by the sound of a happy melody. Kibum watched him as he settled back onto the bed, scrambling under the blanket to inch closer to him.

 

“Kibum?” Jonghyun started and squinted his left eye shut in a funny way while looking at his boyfriend. “May I find out something?” he continued and placed the soju bottle onto the nightstand.

“Depends on what you want to find out,” Kibum nodded, swallowing when the older started to smirk and leaned closer to him.

“Let me find out where your erogenous zones are,” he said silently into Kibum’s ear and the younger one of them shuddered, his fingers nervously playing with the edge of his blanket. The tone of Jonghyun’s voice had something very alluring to him, his breath smelling of alcohol and sour crème chips, making the hair in Kibum’s neck stand up. “Don’t worry. I don’t want to rush things. I’m just curious,” Jonghyun murmured, his fingers caressing the other’s cheek, eyes focussing on the younger’s ones.

“Curious?” Kibum asked cautiously, his bottom lip pulled between his lips, eyes watching Jonghyun warily. He was curious too, he wouldn’t even try to deny that, but he didn’t know if it wasn’t a little early to be curious. It hadn’t even been three weeks since their first kiss and he didn’t know if Jonghyun defined ‘being curious’ any different from the way he did.

“Yeah, curious…not in a sexual manner, well…that’s not completely true…ah, you know,” Jonghyun giggled a little tensely and Kibum could feel clearly that he wasn’t the only one in his bedroom who wavered a bit between curiosity and anxiety. So Jonghyun could be nervous after all. Kibum nodded slightly, his hands diving beneath the blanket to fold in his lap. It was an awful thing to be shy. An introvert person was too shy to do the first step but in their minds, they were already ten steps ahead and it bugged him because he was sure there was no need to be afraid of anything. He was with Jonghyun after all, a person who cared for him. He had improved in talking openly but he really needed to work on his actions. If they really liked each other why should they wait? He was sure that Jonghyun wouldn’t turn into a beast and devour him with lock, stock, and barrel.

“Okay,” he heard himself say slowly, looking at Jonghyun with big, insecure eyes while the other let out a sigh of relief, smiling gently at Kibum.

“Lie down,” Jonghyun asked then with a tiny smile, pulled the blanket away and threw it onto the floor, causing Kibum to look after it with astonishment. The only thing that had given him some kind of safety was gone now, but he obeyed nonetheless, slowly sinking onto the mattress, his mind racing with thoughts. He had no idea what Jonghyun was up to and his whole skin shivered in fear and anticipation. His insides flipped when Jonghyun crawled on all fours above him and placed his hands on either side of Kibum’s face, looking down at him for a moment. Kibum was sure that he would drown in those eyes one day.

When Jonghyun leaned down and kissed him gently the position they were in made the feeling of the kiss so different and Kibum’s arms lay lifelessly on the mattress next to his body, his mind concentrating on nothing else but the kiss he shared with Jonghyun, his eyes steadily falling shut. Jonghyun had this special way of licking his lips so slowly and softly that his whole mouth tickled, the touch of his tongue barely noticeable and yet so intense. He opened his lips slightly, caught that agile tongue between his lips and sucked on it, his own darting out to stroke along the other one’s. It was a slow kiss and Kibum breathed through his nose, gradually relaxing under the older one’s caress. The only thing that touched were their lips till Kibum’s hands slowly came alive and carefully tested the waters by reaching up to place his fingers onto Jonghyun’s sides, feeling the fabric of his t-shirt under his fingers. He didn’t move them at first and merely enjoyed the feeling of his hands on the other’s body. Only when Jonghyun withdrew his lips leisurely from Kibum’s mouth to place little kisses along his chin and jaw, wandering down to his neck, his hands started to move, fingertips pressing into the older one’s skin. The kisses on his neck felt amazing and his whole body started to prickle, his mind going dizzy for a second. He didn’t know if it was normal that simple kisses on his neck could cause such a reaction, but he loved how a warm feeling spread through his whole body. He stretched his neck, trying to make more room for Jonghyun, his arms subconsciously pulling the other closer. He took a deep, shuddering breath when Jonghyun licked the skin and nipped on it with his teeth.

“Have I already found one?” Kibum heard the other breathe against his skin with a low chuckle and he blushed, not answering Jonghyun’s question. He would have loved to receive a hickey he could look at in the mirror to be reminded of Jonghyun’s lips when they were gone, but the older didn’t do him that favor and went back up to his mouth again, placing little, soft kisses on top and bottom lip. When Jonghyun pulled away and Kibum felt how the other’s weight pressed the mattress down next to him he opened his eyes again, the older one looking at him with a soft smile on his lips. He already wanted to ask if this was how far his curiosity went when he saw the elder’s gaze inquisitively wandering down at him and indirectly answered his question. Kibum licked his lips, chewing on his bottom lip when Jonghyun’s hand reached out for the hem of his oversized sweater, grabbing it but not moving it up.

“Is that okay?” Jonghyun asked instead, looking up at Kibum with big honest eyes that held so many promises.

“You already saw me in my swimming trunks, Jong,” he emphasized the last part of his sentence, enjoying how Jonghyun’s face lit up at the use of his newly found nickname. Of course, Kibum was nervous, but the kisses on his neck had bemused him enough to not really care about the fact that Jonghyun was about to partially strip him.

“I just wanted to make sure,” Jonghyun replied, his fingers pushing the sweater up and Kibum automatically held his breath when cold air hit his exposed skin. He would have liked to take a few more sips from the Soju bottle to give himself some courage, but the alcohol was out of reach. Jonghyun was really affectionate, taking his time to push up the fabric and helping Kibum to pull it over his head. He couldn’t suppress the question if Jonghyun had been the same way with his past girlfriends? If it was his way of showing that he cared about them. His body trembled from the cold when Jonghyun put his sweater aside and he embraced himself with his arms, not really knowing if it was because of the cold or his bare torso.

“Are you cold?” Kibum could hear the worry in the other’s voice as Jonghyun’s fingers stroked his naked arms, leaving goosebumps behind.

“A bit,” he confessed with a nod, sending the older one a little smile. Why was reality always so far away from dreams and fantasies? In his fantasies they would be already naked by now, teasing, playing, sucking, kissing, biting, scratching…fucking. Was fucking the right word? Fuck sounded harsh and unemotional like something someone would do with a person they barely knew to satisfy some human needs, but that’s not what Kibum had in mind. He wanted more than that…much more and even though he knew that today wasn’t the right time for it, because they didn’t even have condoms to begin with and something else Kibum knew they would need if he didn’t want to end up screaming and crying from pain during his first time, but he at least wanted to know how far he could push himself before his own doubts would get into the way again.

He tensed a bit when he saw how Jonghyun leaned back on his heels, pulling his thin red t-shirt with ease over his head, placing it down beside him. He tousled his hair a bit, correcting the fit of some hair strands before he looked down at Kibum, rubbing his right upper arm. The younger gulped, his cheeks feeling really hot all of a sudden. He had already seen him like this, Kibum tried to tell himself over and over again, taking breath after breath to calm down. It seemed like Jonghyun hesitated for a second before he leaned down again, pressing a small kiss to the corner of Kibum’s mouth, his breath ghosting over his lips.

“I really like you, Kibum,” he whispered, one hand gliding over Kibum’s collarbones, down over his chest, brushing along his right nipple down to his stomach. The younger held his breath beneath him, limbs trembling under the touch, his heart beating like crazy. The one thing which made Kibum realize that Jonghyun was the right one for him was the fact that the simplest touches made him swoon already. He was sure that it wouldn’t feel the same way if someone else touched him the way Jonghyun did.

His hands found their way to Jonghyun’s back again, stroking along the sides. The elder felt so warm and soft under his fingertips. He felt how the other shifted over him again, letting his body slowly sink onto him. A foreign, low sound left his lips which he hadn’t known to be capable of and the weight on his frame made it so much harder to breathe, but it also made him feel so protected and safe. He could feel everything; the brush of Jonghyun’s nipples against his own, the way their stomachs moved and how their crotches pressed together, only their jeans and boxers in the way. Just the thought made Kibum’s mind spin and he arched his back when Jonghyun sucked on a spot behind his ear, his fingertips clawing into the other’s skin. Only when a strangled noise reached his ears after a while he reacted to his surroundings again, his head turning to see the older hovering above him; a small suffering smile on his face.

“Your nails…it hurts,” he said sheepishly and looked over his shoulder, the pressure of Kibum’s fingernails automatically subsiding.

“I…I am sorry,” Kibum stuttered and bit his lip, his insides tumbling when Jonghyun changed his position slightly, the weight on his crotch intensifying. This wasn’t any good for his intended curiosity level, he thought as he felt the blood rushing into another direction than he wanted it to.

“It’s okay,” Jonghyun breathed lowly and stroked his hair, the pressure on his crotch suddenly gone. There was a little whine coming from the back of his throat that escaped his lips without his assistance and his cheeks reddened even further when he heard the other’s chuckle echoing in his ears. “That’s so you. First, you’re all shy and insecure, but when you tasted it you get greedy.”

This comment more or less nailed it and Kibum knew it but didn’t know what to answer.

“Sorry,” he uttered again, not really knowing what he apologized for, for being full of self-doubt and hesitance or for being greedy? Kibum didn’t need to answer because when he wanted to there were Jonghyun’s lips on his again, the older one’s pelvis slowly starting to rock against his. Did he just begin to dry hump him? Kibum’s eyes widened while Jonghyun sucked on his bottom lip, his eyes rolling back into his head and his legs instinctively parting beneath Jonghyun.

“What are you doing?” he uttered between kisses; hands wandering to the small of Jonghyun’s back.

“Being curious. Do you want me to stop?” Jonghyun leaned back a bit, looking down at Kibum who shook his head without giving that option a second thought.

Stopping?

Now?

No way!

By the time Jonghyun got closer again, his lips traveling down his collarbones he could feel that he definitely wasn’t the only one whose excitement sloshed a bit over the edge. When Jonghyun had woken him up this morning he had never thought the day would end with them just in their jeans, rocking against each other on his bed. The friction of their jeans caused so many different feelings Kibum hadn’t known yet and couldn’t comprehend, too overwhelmed by the sudden change of the atmosphere. His fingertips caressed Jonghyun’s lower back and he smiled to himself as the older arched into the touch, a silent moan leaving his lips. It was a good thing to remember everything the other said.

The feeling of Jonghyun’s bulge pressing against his was new, weird and really thrilling. It was another step in the right direction and Kibum was proud because he had managed to push his insecurities aside to hazard something he hadn’t tried yet.

“I’m not too heavy?” Jonghyun’s breath was sluggish and Kibum could see little drops of sweat running down his temples. His eyes were a little glazed and a lot darker than before. Was this what people called lust? He shook his head again, lifting his head a bit to capture the older one’s lips for a kiss. His whole body tingled and he felt hot, his skin transpiring under Jonghyun’s hands.

He had no idea how long they moved against each other before the friction underneath Kibum’s clothed erection slowly reached its turning point, a wave of ineffable pleasure rushing through his veins, causing his vision to black out.

“I think…I’m about to cum,” he breathed, tensed, his eyes tightly closed, a frown plastered on his face as he pressed his body closer to Jonghyun’s, his hands holding onto the other’s hips for some kind of support. It merely required another three thrusts of Jonghyun’s pelvis against his and a suck on his earlobe to make him cum, his mouth falling open as his body spasmed beneath Jonghyun’s; a damp feeling emerging in his boxers and jeans soon afterwards. His arms fell limply to the side and his breathing was rushed and erratic.

When Jonghyun stopped to move against him he tilted his head in exhaustion, looking up at the other through half-lidded eyes who propped himself up on his arms above him. He saw Jonghyun’s arms tremble and the dark shimmer in his eyes was still visible. As Jonghyun rolled to the side next to him he still could feel the hardness in the other’s pants for a short moment before the heat of the other was gone completely.

“You didn’t cum.” It was the first thing that came to his mind as he tried to control his breath again, strands of hair sticking to his flushed face, his jeans feeling disgustingly uncomfortable all of a sudden.

“I usually don’t cum due to dry humping,” Jonghyun answered a little sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

“But…”

Confusion was written all over Kibum’s face, but before he could ask anything Jonghyun shook his head.

“It’s okay. I enjoyed it nonetheless.” There was a small shy smile curving around his lips that made Kibum melt inside. “I hope you did, too?” This question was a little pointless because the result of their little interlude was pretty obvious inside his pants, but Kibum nodded anyway, the smile on Jonghyun’s lips widening. The elder placed a peck on Kibum’s cheek before he got up, grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head. Kibum looked at him in bewilderment, propping himself up on his elbows, watching how Jonghyun fixed the strands of his hair in front of the mirror hanging on his door.

“What are you up to?” he asked carefully, his hand reaching out for his sweater on the floor, the wet feeling in his jeans making him screw up his face.

“I need to use the bathroom.” Was the simple answer he got while he put on his sweater again and fixed his own hair. When Kibum sent him a questioning look through the mirror Jonghyun blushed a little, unlocking the door and pushing the door handle down.

“…Blue balls. I’m…right back,” he gestured and was gone before Kibum had the chance to say anything. When the door fell shut behind Jonghyun Kibum got up after a moment and went over to his wardrobe. It took a moment till he realized what Jonghyun just had said and the fresh boxer briefs he had pulled out of his closet fell from his hands, his eyes widening in an instant. Was Jonghyun about to jerk off in their bathroom? How was he ever going to use the bathroom again when he knew that the older boy had been busy in there? Just the thought made him blush and he leaned down to pick up his underwear from the floor, unzipping his pants to get out of the mess he had created just to distract himself from his current thoughts.

He grabbed a handkerchief out of his schoolbag to clean himself up, crumpled the soaked boxers and jeans into a pile and threw them somewhere in the darkest corner of his room. He really had made out with Jonghyun on his bed and he had cum solely by the friction of their body movements. A smile clambered up his face and he swayed from his left foot to the right, dancing in little circles. He was so proud and so happy. The tiredness and exhaustion he had felt right after his climax had been replaced by a spark of adrenaline and he felt good…so unbelievably good. The only drop of bitterness in his happiness was that Jonghyun hadn’t cum with him, but there were other chances to change that, right?

Jonghyun came back right after Kibum had pulled on his sleeping pants and had closed the door of his closet.

“Hi,” Jonghyun said quietly, shutting the door to Kibum’s room behind him without making a sound.

“Hei,” the younger replied, turning around to face the older. Jonghyun looked him up and down for a second before he smiled a little, pointing at Kibum’s comfy pants.

“You changed?”

“Yeah, it got a little sticky and cold in my jeans,” he admitted, playing with the hem of his sweater.

“I can imagine that,” Jonghyun grinned, coming up to Kibum to push some strands of hair out of his face.

“Feeling better now?” Kibum leaned into the touch, enjoying how Jonghyun’s fingertips went over to caress his cheek softly.

“Yeah, I’m embarrassed, though,” he answered with a little awkward laugh and took Kibum’s hands into his, pulling him back to the bed.

“Why’s that?”

“I met your mum on my way to the bathroom and she asked me if everything is alright and if we needed anything.”

“And what was so embarrassing about it?” he asked, looking down at Jonghyun’s finger which played with his.

“Kibum, I stood in front of your mum with a boner in my jeans,” Jonghyun stated a little helplessly, looking at Kibum with big eyes who chuckled in response.

“I’m sure she didn’t look at your crotch,” Kibum tried to reassure the older one, not completely sure if he wanted to laugh or pity Jonghyun.

“I hope so, too.”

***

It was past midnight when the boys decided they were too tired to keep on talking and got ready for bed. Kibum already lay on his mattress, his blanket pulled up to his nose when Jonghyun entered the room dressed in thin, grey sweatpants and a black Guns and Roses band t-shirt with colorful print on it. Jonghyun smiled at him when he saw the younger looking at him and came over, settling down on the roll mat next to Kibum’s bed.

“You wear clothes.” Kibum noticed in astonishment, making the other laugh on the quiet.

“Disappointed? Did you want to see me naked?” Jonghyun teased and pulled the green blanket over his feet. Kibum lifted his head a bit, looking down at Jonghyun from his bed, pushing his duvet a little down. He wasn’t sure if Jonghyun wanted an honest answer to this question.

“Didn’t you say you sweat a lot during the night when I slept at your house and that’s why you sleep just in boxers?”

“You remember anything it seems, don’t you?” Jonghyun smirked, tilting his head to the side. “But yeah, it’s true…but I’m not at my house today and I don’t really want to shock your mum when I walk around the corridor half-naked,” he explained logically, lying down on the roll mat. Kibum nodded understandingly, nibbling on his lip when he watched the other lying on the ground.

“I mean…just if you want…I mean…then…there is enough space for two in my bed,” Kibum dared to ask, pulling at his sheets.

“I would like that,” was all Kibum got as an answer before Jonghyun got up with his pillow, the younger moving to the wall when his boyfriend joined him under his blanket. Jonghyun smiled at him, searched for his waist beneath the blanket and pulled him closer. This day had been so perfect Kibum didn’t even know what to do with himself.

“Thanks for the day, Jong,” he whispered and hid his face in the crook of Jonghyun’s neck, inhaling his scent. He had used facewash, he could smell it. Jonghyun simply pressed a kiss to his head as a response, pulling him just a little closer to his chest.  
When Kibum turned off the lamp on his nightstand a little later and felt Jonghyun’s mouth on his shortly after, the elder whispering a ‘Sleep tight’ against his lips he sighed with a smile on his face, snuggling closer to Jonghyun’s chest and falling asleep due to the light caresses on his back.

 

**Chapter 14**

 

To say that Kibum slept like a princess bedded on pillows and satin the night he spent with Jonghyun next to him would be nothing but a plain lie. Of course, at first it was wonderful to feel the other’s warmth embracing him, inhaling Jonghyun’s sweet smell and hearing him breathe next to him, but around 2 am he woke up due to the restless rustling of limbs and sheets. Coldness crept up his back and he shivered, blinking his eyes in the darkness, vision fuzzy and mind blank. He tiredly rubbed his eyes and yawned before he noticed that his blanket was gone, pushed down to the end of the bed, the sight giving him a good idea of why he was freezing. He ruffled his hair and then checked on Jonghyun who was to his surprise wide awake, staring at the ceiling above them. He couldn’t make out much in the darkness but enough to be able to see that the other’s eyes were open.

“What’s wrong?” he asked silently; voice a little throaty from sleep. Kibum could vaguely notice how his boyfriend’s eyes widened a bit before his head turned into his direction.

“Did I wake you up?” Jonghyun questioned; sounding honestly worried.

“Well…yeah, obviously.” There was a small smile twitching in the corners of Kibum’s lips who reached out to turn on the lamp on his nightstand, his eyes blinking reluctantly at the sudden burst of brightness.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” Jonghyun sighed silently and Kibum frowned, nibbling on his bottom lip.

“Why aren’t you sleeping? Is something wrong?” he asked carefully, looking over at Jonghyun who shook his head.

“I just can’t sleep. I always had trouble falling asleep at other people’s places,” Jonghyun confessed sheepishly, sending Kibum an apologetic smile.

“How come?” Kibum wanted to know, his forefinger darting out to trace Jonghyun’s arm.

“No idea. I slept at a friend’s house who lived in the neighborhood one time when I was seven but as hard as I tried I couldn’t fall asleep. I shook my friend awake then and said that I couldn’t sleep, but the only thing he did was to turn around and say that I should count sheep or candy. I got really angry and frustrated,” Jonghyun told with a little laugh, eyes focusing on Kibum’s finger that wandered over his arm. “I took my favorite dog plushie then, left the room, tiptoed to the front door, put on my shoes and went back home…in the middle of the night.”

Kibum’s mouth fell open in shock. A boy aged seven really shouldn’t walk around on the streets of Seoul in the middle of the night.

“Were you insane?”

Jonghyun laughed at the question and shrugged.

“Nah, not really. I came home safely, no rapists or kidnappers on the streets that night. When I rung the door, though my mum went totally hysteric. For the next four years, I wasn’t allowed to sleep at someone else’s house at all, because my mum was afraid I would do such nonsense again,” Jonghyun explained with a chuckle.

“Fair enough. If I had been your mum I would have been afraid, too. God, little Jonghyun with a dog plushie in his arms walking around town in the middle of the night,” Kibum grinned, picturing the scenery in his head and finding it incredibly cute.

“I still own that plushie,” Jonghyun admitted and rolled onto his side, planting his face onto his hands.

“I haven’t seen it in your room,” Kibum responded right away, the image of the other’s room accurately printed into the back of his mind.

“I hid it before you came.” An awkward laugh left Jonghyun’s lips and Kibum actually saw him blush a little bit in the orange light of his nightstand lamp. He suppressed the squeal that was about to leave him, biting his bottom lip to hold it back.

“Why did you do that?” he asked when he thought that he had controlled his emotions, his finger stopping its caress on Jonghyun’s arms.

“Because it isn’t cool to still keep plushies when you’re eighteen.”

“I think it’s cute.”

“I don’t do cute, Kibum,” Jonghyun answered with a pout, making Kibum grin in amusement.

“There’s no need to do it. You’re naturally cute,” he said cheekily and squeaked when the response to his comment was the other’s fingers pinching his upper arm.

“Don’t say that,” Jonghyun murmured; a tiny pout still visible on his lips.

“Do you want me to lie then?” Kibum smirked and inched a little closer, one arm finding its way around Jonghyun’s slim waist, fingers stroking his back gently.

“No. Just…don’t use it.”

Kibum nodded after a short moment of hesitation even though he wasn’t sure if he was able to never use the word cute in Jonghyun’s presence again. It was just too fitting to not use it again. They lay next to each other in silence for a moment, Kibum reflecting the elder’s words while caressing his back and Jonghyun closing his eyes with a content smile on his lips.

“What about your girlfriends?”

It was only a random thought and Kibum realized too late that he actually had said it out loud.

“What about them?”

When he looked down at Jonghyun the other eyed him curiously, expecting a further explanation of his question.

“Didn’t you sleep at their homes?”

“Well yeah, I did. But it took me almost half a year for example till I was able to rest in peace at Sookjoo’s place. She always called me Mr. Insomnia because of it. While she slept I worked on songs or watched TV. You have no idea what crap TV stations show in the middle of the night.”

“That’s weird.”

“What? That they show crap on TV?” Jonghyun said jokingly, his head slowly moving forward till it rested in the crook of Kibum’s neck. This simple action made Kibum smile because for the first time since they knew each other he felt like he was the one who needed to keep an eye on Jonghyun and not the other way around. It was a good feeling. A feeling he liked to feel more often because it made him seem equal to Jonghyun.

“I feel bad that you can’t fall asleep. Shall I make you milk with honey? I heard that helps,” Kibum asked motherly, feeling his neck vibrating when Jonghyun started to laugh lowly against it.

“I’m fine. Just go back to sleep. I’ll survive.”

“I can’t sleep when I know that you’re lying awake next to me.”

“Scared that I’m going to stare at you for the rest of the night?” Jonghyun chuckled and arched his back towards Kibum when the latter one poked him in the back. Kibum shuddered under the sudden contact of their bodies but regained his posture pretty fast again. They had been way more intimate than that by now and it would have been ridiculous to make a big deal of it.

“Creeper,” he mumbled with a smile on his lips, the hand on Jonghyun’s back wandering upwards till it reached his face. How good it felt to touch the other without thinking about it for too long. “My mum always read me a story when I was little and couldn’t fall asleep,” he added then, thumb touching Jonghyun’s cheek. It felt warm.

“I don’t think that would help,” Jonghyun doubted honestly, glancing up at Kibum who smiled at him encouragingly.

“It’s worth a try. My voice can do magic, you know,” Kibum said wittily and winked at the older who started to smile and nodded. Kibum got up then, climbing over Jonghyun and stumbling onto the ground, walking to his bookshelf.

“Don’t tell me you still own books for children?” Jonghyun asked, surprised and turned onto his back, eyes following the other through the room.

“Of course I do,” Kibum answered matter-of-factly and rummaged through his books, searching for a specific one he had in mind. A triumphant grin appeared on his lips when he found it and pulled it out, fingers touching the baby blue cover. He held it up for Jonghyun to see the title and the elder immediately started to laugh and made room for Kibum to join him on his bed again.

“The little mermaid? You’re going to read Ariel to me? The little redhead who finds true love and marries her prim and proper prince in a wedding dress that makes her look like a marshmallow?” Jonghyun quipped while Kibum covered them both with the pushed down blanket in hope that the other wouldn’t push it down again.

“No. This here is the original by Hans Christian Andersen. There is no wedding for the mermaid. She kills herself in the end because the man she loves marries someone else and she can’t bring herself to kill him to save her own life. I love this story. I could always identify myself with her. She never belonged to the world in which the man she loved lived, but she still tried her best to fit in, only to end up as foam. It’s not like all the Disney fairytales which end with a happy ending,” Kibum explained cautiously, lying down next to the elder who looked at him thoughtfully.

“Have you ever thought about suicide?”

The question came suddenly and Kibum fell silent for a second, looking at the cover of the book in his hands. It showed a pretty, young woman with long blond hair and a fishtail, sitting on a rock in the sea.

“I did… several times even. You get the weirdest ideas when they start to beat you up after school, you know.” Kibum said truthfully with a sad smile gracing his lips, glancing at Jonghyun for a short moment before his eyes went back to the book. He didn’t like to think about these things. They were in the past and didn’t matter anymore. The damage was done and he didn’t need to remind himself of it all over again. Present and future mattered because the past couldn’t be changed anyway. He was a bit startled, though when he felt the pressure of a pair of lips against his temple seconds later but relaxed when he saw the smile on Jonghyun’s face.

“Go on and start to read. I don’t know the original,” the elder whispered encouragingly, head lying down on Kibum’s shoulder. Kibum smiled to himself, glad and thankful that Jonghyun didn’t force him to tell more about his state of mind in the past. Maybe he understood.

“You don’t know the original? What did you read as a kid then?”

“I never liked fairy tales. Do you know the book series about little Amadeus? I loved these. Basically, the books are about Mozart’s life written for children. My mum always told me I would become like him when I grow up,” Jonghyun told with little gestures.

“Wow…so your parents always pushed you in this musical direction then?”

Jonghyun nodded and scratched the tip of his nose.

“I guess so. My whole family is pretty musical and for my mum, it was always important that my sister and I learn how to play instruments. My sister's interest drifted away, though. When she hit puberty she became more interested in make-up, clothes and… boys and stopped practicing altogether.”

“Then your mum is probably pretty proud that you’re going to attend a music college, huh?” Kibum smiled warmly, the other answering with an agreeing hum. When Kibum thought of Jonghyun’s mum he imagined her to be a beautiful woman with a kind smile and a warm heart that only wanted the best for her children. She was probably a lot like his mum…only prettier.

“Wow…the girl is pretty curvy. These are huge…,” Jonghyun said, impressed, to change the subject, Kibum assumed and held his hands in front of his chest when he took a closer look at the cover, the reaction making Kibum chuckle. “Didn’t they have bras under the sea?”

“It doesn’t seem like it,” Kibum grinned, opening the book to flip to the first page. If they kept on talking neither Jonghyun nor he would find any sleep.

“Fish-porn on a fairytale book for kids, scandalizing!” Jonghyun acted horrified, snuggling closer to Kibum while doing so.

“You’re such a freak,” Kibum giggled and put his forefinger to his lips to signalize Jonghyun to shut up now. The elder pressed his lips tightly together then and pulled his fingers over his mouth as if he was closing a zipper.

“Far out in the ocean, where the water is as blue as the prettiest cornflower and as clear as crystal, it is very, very deep; so deep, indeed, that no cable could fathom it: many church steeples, piled one upon another, would not reach from the ground beneath to the surface of the water above. There dwell the Sea King and his subjects,” Kibum started to read slowly like he would do for a child, purposefully stressing some words to cause some sort of tension. Under normal circumstances, he would feel ridiculous for reading a children’s book to Jonghyun, but he felt sorry for the other and wanted to do everything in his power to help his boyfriend to get some sleep even if it involved reading a children’s book to him.

From time to time Jonghyun stopped his oral fluency to throw in a remark, a funny comment or just his own opinion, giving Kibum a whole new view on the story he loved so much.

“The mermaid kissed his high, smooth forehead, and stroked back his wet hair; he seemed to her like the marble statue in her little garden, and she kissed him again and wished that he might live.”

“Greedy little thing, kissing a complete stranger not only once but twice.”

“I would do the same,” Kibum shrugged nonchalantly, carefully turning the page. Jonghyun’s head on his shoulder felt heavy by now, but he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want the older to move away from him. He liked the closeness and how natural it felt.

“You would kiss a complete stranger…?” Jonghyun asked, flabbergasted, one arm holding Kibum in a loose embrace.

“It’s not a complete stranger. It’s the prince, Jonghyun. You remember the statue she has in her little garden and adores since years? It’s the prince – her dream man. If I rescued you and wouldn’t be sure if I ever see you again I would definitely do the same.”

“But that’s something else. We know each other.”

“I still would do the same even if we didn’t know each other,” he then said sheepishly, eyes fixing on the page and cheeks blushing when he was sure that Jonghyun looked at him.

“Thanks.”

“For what?” Kibum asked, confused, scanning the first sentence on the page with his eyes.

“For wanting to save me from the floods when my ship sinks.”

 

Kibum felt the embrace around his waist get a little tighter and he smiled, feeling this fuzzy feeling in his stomach he always got when Jonghyun was around. He snuggled a little closer to Jonghyun and held the book into the other’s direction to let him take a peek at one of the drawings that adorned the book. He continued to read then, told Jonghyun of the sea witch who gave a drink to transform the mermaid’s fishtail into legs and the pain the young girl had to struggle to finally be able to see her prince.

At first, Kibum didn’t notice that Jonghyun’s remarks got less with every passing page because he was too captivated by the progress of the story but when he read the final lines to him and closed the book afterwards Jonghyun’s breathing was even and his eyes were closed. A soft smile appeared on his face then and he watched the other’s face for a while, eyes wandering over every little piece of skin. Jonghyun looked like a child; long eyelashes merely touching the skin under his eyes, his plush lips slightly agape, his cheeks tinted in a soft rosy color. He wanted to reach out and touch him but was afraid he would wake up so he only put the book away, not even daring to turn off his nightstand lamp.

For the second time that night Kibum fell asleep with a smile on his face, his thoughts revolving around Jonghyun and his inability to sleep in beds that weren’t his own. He felt a little proud that it hadn’t taken half a year for Jonghyun to fall asleep in his bed. He wasn’t competitive by any means, but it felt good that the girl Jonghyun apparently had loved so much hadn’t been able to lull her ex-boyfriend into sleep. Maybe she hadn’t owned any children’s books.

***

It was already bright outside when Kibum woke up again, his mind revived back to reality by the soft pressure of lips that caressed his neck and familiar hands that softly wandered over his back. He grumbled quietly, not really sure if he was already awake or still asleep, his body unintentionally reacting to the gentle care by moving closer to the boy next to him.

“Good morning.” The voice was low and close to his ear and Kibum pressed his face into the pillow with a smile, liking how the other’s lips wandered to his nape, hands slowly pushing under his t-shirt to massage the small of his back. His muscles flexed and he groaned into the pillow, the nerves in his lower body sending lots of pleasant signals to his head. It was then that he felt something hard pressing against his stomach and he blushed, glad that he lay on his stomach and not his back. He knew that this had to happen sooner or later because there were things about the human body that simply couldn’t be controlled at night but it was kind of embarrassing nonetheless. Maybe it would go away if he stayed in this position for a little longer?

“Did you sleep well?”

The hoarse sound of Jonghyun’s voice made him shudder and Kibum answered with a stifled “Yeah”, inwardly hoping that the other would move away a bit and give him some space. He didn’t even have a sexual dream, he thought when the feeling of his morning erection pressed against the mattress got a tad uncomfortable.

“And you?” he asked then, turning his head slightly to take a glimpse at Jonghyun. The older looked down at him with a smile, brushing the tip of his nose against his before placing a kiss on his cheek.

“Me too. Thanks for last night. Didn’t know that listening to stories would help me to fall asleep,” the older admitted and lay back down next to Kibum, withdrawing his hands from the younger one.

“What helps kids also helps grown-ups,” Kibum responded and closed his eyes again, silently telling his erection to fade like a mantra.

“Apparently,” Jonghyun nodded in agreement and then Kibum suddenly felt how he was pulled closer to the other, his eyes widening and his body struggling to not embarrass himself, but he felt that it was too late for an escape when his crotch was pressed against Jonghyun’s thigh the older one’s eyebrows raising up in surprise instantly. Kibum felt his cheeks reddening even more and he hid his face in the crook of Jonghyun’s neck, biting his bottom lip, hands clenching into fists.

“You aren’t embarrassed now, are you?” Jonghyun really sounded confused and all that was left for Kibum to do was to huff in annoyance. What kind of question was this supposed to be? Who wouldn’t be embarrassed in this kind of situation?

“Oh come on, Kibum. That’s nothing to be ashamed of at all. Men wake up with a boner quite often in the morning. Seriously, don’t hide your face now.”

Kibum could clearly hear the amusement in Jonghyun’s voice which didn’t make things much better and even though he knew that the older one was right, it still made him feel uncomfortable. He hadn’t woken up next to someone with an erection for quite some time now or more like he hadn’t woken up next to someone with an erection ever.

“Could we…I mean…just change the topic? Please?” He asked, almost sounding desperate, the thin skin on his bottom lip already breaking from his constant nibbling. Kibum still hid his face in the crook of Jonghyun’s neck, nose pressed against his skin, one hand placed on the other’s chest. There was a low chuckle coming from Jonghyun’s direction before Kibum felt Jonghyun's body shifting lightly, making his head fall onto the pillow from the loss of the other’s build.

“Sure?” Jonghyun whispered close to Kibum’s ear and the boy’s eyes tore open when the elder’s hand was about to wander down his pajama pants.

“What are you doing?” he stuttered, startled, reaching out to grab Jonghyun’s hand before it reached the waistband of his pants. There was a short awkward laugh and Kibum saw the older blushing a little before he felt how Jonghyun’s hand got heavy in his grip, the other lying down next to him again.

“Sorry…it’s just…ah…nevermind.”

Kibum let go of the other’s hand then, frowning. He felt his heart beating hectically in his chest, lots of inappropriate images running through his mind.

“Nevermind? You were just about to…,” Kibum stopped to talk in the middle of his sentence, lowering his head, nibbling on his bottom lip. He might be a bit naïve at times, but he wasn’t stupid.

“I just thought that you might…”

“…like it when you put your hand down my pants?”

It was probably the bravest and most honest thing Kibum had ever uttered in his life towards someone else and as soon as it had left his mouth he regretted his straight-forwardness. He wasn’t like Jonghyun. Being straight-forward didn’t suit him much and caused him to feel more embarrassed than he already was. Not to mention that he was afraid that his words made him look weird in front of the other.

“If you like to put it that way…yeah.”

It was still too early for Kibum’s brain to work properly and he felt sorry for his words when he heard the sudden insecurity in Jonghyun’s voice.

There was silence. Not the kind of silence Kibum liked to share with Jonghyun. Not the silence that made him relax and feel at ease in the other’s presence but the one that made him feel unsettled and nervous. The one he thought he had overcome by now. He hated it if he didn’t know what to say or do. The morning had started so nicely and now he felt like he drifted into a bottomless pit.

“I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

There were a sigh and more uncomfortable silence, Kibum’s mouth already feeling sore, tongue tasting iron on his lips. The experience they had shared the previous day was still solidly grounded in Kibum’s memory and even though he had decided that he trusted Jonghyun and that he didn’t need to be afraid of anything when the older one was with him he still couldn’t prevent his body from reacting the way it did. He was anxious that they would rush through things and he was even more afraid that Jonghyun wouldn’t like it.

Maybe it was the main source of his fear. What if Jonghyun expected things Kibum couldn’t offer him? What if they went further and Jonghyun was disappointed in the end? What if Jonghyun regretted being with him and started to miss the touch of a girl, the presence of a girl, the body of a girl?

He only had been together with girls before after all and he had never complained about missing something in the relationship he had had with them. Kibum felt a knot twisting around his stomach.

“I’m not a girl, you know.”

Perhaps it sounded absurd and ridiculous, but he felt like something about Jonghyun’s enthusiasm just wasn’t right or maybe he only was being paranoid and couldn’t accept the fact that a person like Jonghyun was indeed someone with an open and honest heart. That finding love didn’t always necessarily involve lots of tears and heartache, and in the end weren't his actions and his behavior evidence enough that Jonghyun was sincere? He was still with him, hadn’t minded that he was gay and hadn’t minded that he was attracted to him…that he was in love with him? He knew what he got himself into, right?

“I know that, Kibum…”

Kibum heard his boyfriend laugh lowly and licked his lips, his fingers playing with the edges of his blanket.

“…and as you probably should know by now I don’t care. I already said that…”

“I know…I know,” Kibum interrupted him with a distressed sigh and puffed his cheeks, lifting his head to look over at Jonghyun.

“I…I really know. Everything just seems too easy. I saw you, I met you, I got along with you…we went out despite…despite the fact that you like girls and now we are in my bed on a Sunday morning…that’s just too easy,” he tried to clarify his worries without sounding too frantic.

“Have you watched too many Korean dramas?”

At first, Kibum felt a little kidded and misunderstood, glancing at the other boy with a raised eyebrow, his fingers stopping to play with the edges of his blanket.

“Do you think that finding someone you like and get along with needs to involve lots of drama? Life isn’t like in the movies. The main characters don’t primarily need to end up together in the final episode after they cornered each other for two hundred episodes in which they slowly found out that they actually liked each other right from the start and that the drama they stirred up was totally unnecessary. I didn’t know that my hand would cause such a dilemma,” Jonghyun explained with a soft smile and laughed quietly in the end before he tousled his hair.

“I’m sorry…I guess I’ve just…been childish…again.” Another sigh left Kibum’s lips and he looked at Jonghyun apologetically who reached out and caressed the younger’s bottom lip with his thumb.

“Your lip looks awful. You worry too much, Kibum,” Jonghyun murmured before he leaned a little forward and pressed a kiss to the abused lips. Maybe life wasn’t like a drama, but did that automatically mean that it had to be like a fairytale only without the poisoned apple and the enchanted castle?

***

Jonghyun and Kibum didn’t talk further about the ‘hand incident’ like the younger liked to put it afterwards and decided to get up instead, Kibum doing a quick trip to the bathroom to relieve his bladder in a very uncomfortable position. When he came back his mum stood in the doorframe leading to the kitchen, sending him a warm smile.

“Good morning honey. Did you two sleep well?” she asked; her fingers tapping against the wooden doorframe. Kibum nodded shortly, smoothing his t-shirt with his hands.

“Breakfast is ready. If you’re hungry you can come whenever you like,” she smiled at him like only a mother would do.

“Thanks, mum,” Kibum mumbled in response and his mum simply put it off, going back into the kitchen. When Kibum entered his room again Jonghyun was about to change his clothes with his back turned to him, head spinning around for a short moment when he heard the opening of the door before he turned back again, hands already pulling up the hem of his t-shirt. Kibum wasn’t certain but sometimes he really thought that his eyes were already trained to absorb every little detail of Jonghyun’s body as soon as he was able to take a glimpse at it and so he also noticed the red marks on Jonghyun’s shoulders when the older pulled his t-shirt over his head. A flood of memories immediately rushed through his head and he could clearly recall Jonghyun’s “Your nails…it hurts” which made his face feel really warm. It seemed like it really had hurt.

“I’m sorry about that,” he murmured and pointed at Jonghyun’s back when the older looked at him questioningly. Jonghyun simply frowned and twisted his body to take a look at his back without any success.

“What is it?” he asked, throwing his sleeping t-shirt into his bag.

“There are…scratches…on your back…from when we were…I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,” Kibum uttered awkwardly, blushing when this typical 500$ smirk appeared on Jonghyun’s lips again.

“It’s no biggie. There’s nothing to apologize for,” he replied nonchalantly before he leaned down and grabbed the red t-shirt he had worn the previous day. Kibum hesitated for a second and pressed his lips into a thin line before he went to the older one and hugged him from behind, his lips placing soft kisses on the scratches. He felt sorry for the things he had said earlier that day, for ascribing wrong intentions to Jonghyun. It hadn’t been fair.

Hugging Jonghyun’s bare torso like that felt nice and he smiled when Jonghyun placed his hands onto his, intertwining their fingers in front of his belly.

“Is this a new method for faster wound healing?” the older asked jokingly when Kibum was done with kissing the bruised skin.

“Yeah, did it help?” Kibum nuzzled his nose into Jonghyun’s hair, grinning when the other leaned into the touch. Reversed roles…and he loved it.

“It was the left one, wasn’t it?”

“Huh?”

Kibum smiled and shifted his mouth closer to Jonghyun’s ear.

“It was your left ear, right?” he asked again, tongue playfully darting out, the tip touching the lobe. He felt the older shudder beneath him and for a moment it made him feel better about himself and his relation to Jonghyun.

“You little tease,” Jonghyun smirked and pulled up his shoulders when Kibum’s lips closed around his earlobe for a second before letting go of it again.

“Breakfast is ready,” Kibum explained then and took a step back, smiling when he heard the other huff in annoyance. Step by step, he told himself, waiting for the other to put his t-shirt on before guiding him to the kitchen.

***

“Mum, don’t you eat with us?” Kibum yelled through the kitchen when he found it empty; only two sets of table settings decorating the board.

“I already ate two hours ago,” came the answer from the living room and seconds later Kibum’s mum looked through the door, smiling when she saw Jonghyun who immediately bowed a little when he caught sight of her.

“Good morning, Mrs. Kim,” he said politely and Kibum had to suppress the urge to throw up. Of course, in the beginning, Jonghyun’s politeness towards his mum had been charming and all, but for god’s sake it was just his mum not the empress of China.

“Good morning, Jonghyun. Did you sleep well?” she asked while Kibum already sat down at the table, removing the lid of the pot sitting on it to take a peek.

“Yes, very good,” Jonghyun answered with a smile, which made Kibum’s mum’s smile even wider. In the end, his mum would fall in love with him, too Kibum feared and rolled his eyes when he was sure no one would see it.

“That’s good to hear. Enjoy your meal you two. I’m in the living room, ironing the laundry,” she gestured into the direction of the living room before she walked away again, leaving the two boys alone.

“Stop being so overly polite,” Kibum teased when Jonghyun sat down next to him at the table, his eyes wandering over the two little bowls of rice, bowls with fish and vegetables and a pot with soup.

“What do you mean?” the older asked in confusion and nodded when Kibum asked him if he wanted some soup.

“It’s my mum. You don’t need to bow every time you see her,” Kibum said while scooping some soup into an empty bowl.

“I’m just being polite,” he shrugged and thanked the other when he gave him the little bowl with soup. “Respect is the most important thing in the world,” he added then, watching Kibum filling soup into a second bowl.

“You’re so Korean, gross,” Kibum huffed but then smiled when Jonghyun started to laugh.

“I like you, too,” Jonghyun grinned and kicked the younger’s shin under the table who swore under his breath and spilled some soup onto the table.

“Aish…that hurt,” he whined and then got up to grab a tissue, wiping up the spilled soup.

“Sorry,” Jonghyun replied sweetly, batting his eyelashes at Kibum when said one glared at him.

Kibum liked the switch of mood and was more than happy that Jonghyun didn’t seem to be resentful.

“Does your mum always cook for you like this?” Jonghyun asked after a while, picked up a piece of trout with his chopsticks and ate it.

“Nah, you can feel honored. Usually, all I get in the morning is cereals,” Kibum mumbled, chewing on his rice mash.

“Then I guess I need to sleep here more often so you get good food, huh,” Jonghyun smirked, locking eyes with Kibum who blushed slightly; chopsticks still in his mouth, cheeks full of rice.

“I guess,” he answered after a short moment, concentrating on the bowl of rice in his hands. Jonghyun grinned and ate some rice as well, his feet reaching out to embrace Kibum’s right leg with them.

“Got ya,” Jonghyun joked, reminding Kibum of the day at the playground. How much had changed since then? It only had been weeks, but it felt like months.

***

After breakfast they went to the bathroom one by one to brush their teeth, lounging on Kibum’s bed when both of them were done a little later. Jonghyun had the guitar in his hands, which he had lent Kibum, playing several songs for the younger one. Kibum, on the other hand, had his eyes closed, head resting somewhere near Jonghyun’s hip, the stream of sunlight shining warm and bright into his face. He enjoyed the warmth, the closeness and the soft play of melodies. It was peaceful.

“Play me something,” Jonghyun said after several songs and Kibum blinked his eyes when the sun was suddenly overshadowed by the guitar in the other’s hand.

“Huh?” He looked up, the other’s guitar merely inches away from his face.

“You need to practice more, Kibum. Do you still remember the song we’ve practiced on last?” Jonghyun asked and Kibum pulled a face.

“That has been weeks,” he complained, sitting up reluctantly.

“Sad enough. Here…It starts with A,” Jonghyun encouraged and handed Kibum the guitar who took it with a pout and placed it into his lap, trying to remember how to grab an A, placing his fingers uncertainly on the neck of the guitar.

“Kibum, that’s an E. Don’t tell me you forgot that already,” Jonghyun sighed and shifted closer to Kibum to take the other’s fingers and put them in the right places.

“I’m not musically talented like you,” Kibum groaned, his fingers feeling really stiff.

“Remembering a chord doesn’t have anything to do with musical talent,” Jonghyun sniggered, his other arm looping around Kibum and pushing a pick into his right hand.

“I’m sure it has,” Kibum murmured, sulking, but inwardly enjoying how close the other was all of a sudden.

“You’re talking nonsense.”

“I know,” the younger exhaled noisily, looking at Jonghyun like a kicked puppy and the older sighed and took a hold of Kibum’s right hand.

“You’re hopeless, do you know that? I’m going to help you, okay? It starts with A…” he explained and brushed Kibum’s right hand down the strings and up again, the two of them educing not the perfect sound from the guitar. “We repeat that thrice…three-quarter time, remember? After that, we play an E.” Kibum looked at the fingers of his left hand that was put on the right strings and frets.

Kibum really tried hard to remember the song and the chords, but it was difficult with Jonghyun looking over his shoulder, his breath ghosting over his skin, his body so close to his own, hands touching his. In the end, he managed to play the intro and the bridge with little screeching noises here and there, pushing the guitar back into Jonghyun’s lap when he ran out of steam after half an hour.

“Promise me to practice more again, okay?” Jonghyun requested with a warm smile, fingers gliding over the strings of the guitar. Kibum cocked his eyebrows but then nodded half-heartedly. After all, he had started to play guitar to get close to Jonghyun and even though he had liked to practice somehow it felt pointless now. He didn’t have the talent and he would never be as good as Jonghyun.

***

“Reread your presentation, okay? You will be fine tomorrow. I will come to your class to wish you luck, ‘kay? Just concentrate on Jinki and forget the rest of the class and everything will be fine,” Jonghyun reassured Kibum later that day when he was about to go home, both hands placed on the younger’s shoulders.

“Let’s hope so, by goodness,” Kibum murmured and was pulled into a hug a moment later, eyes falling shut, arms looping around the other’s frame.

“You’re prepared. Don’t worry too much. Everyone hates giving presentations so don’t fear your fellow students, okay?” Jonghyun then said and tousled Kibum’s hair. The younger only nodded and clung onto Jonghyun, because he didn’t want the other to leave just yet. “If Mrs. Yang gives you a bad mark, I’m going to beat up her husband,” he added jokingly, making Kibum laugh against his shoulder.

“Are you online later one?” Kibum asked when they loosened the embrace and Jonghyun grabbed his bag from the ground.

“Don’t know yet. Need to watch a lot of gay porn tonight,” he grinned and Kibum wasn’t sure if he rather wanted to blush or laugh, but decided for the latter.

“Take care of my external hard drive. I have also some pictures on it,” he pointed out, watching the older strapping on his backpack.

“Oh, what kind of pictures? Naughty ones?”

“Nah. Photos of me and other stuff I took pictures of during the past two years,” he explained, following the older to his bedroom door.

“Can I take a look at them?” Jonghyun asked before he pressed down the door handle. Kibum pulled a disgruntled face but gave his admission when Jonghyun used his puppy eyes on him.

“Kiss,” Jonghyun then demanded and puckered his lips with his eyes closed. The younger laughed quietly, leaning in to place a short kiss onto Jonghyun’s lips. He got better into taking action, right? It was all about spending time together, he guessed.

It was only seconds after Jonghyun had said goodbye to him and his mum that his phone started to play his ringtone. He closed the door to his room behind him before he opened the message in confusion, reading:

“Check the picture folder on your mobile phone. (o^_^o)v”

He frowned but checked his picture folder anyway, an audible squeal leaving his lips when he saw a picture of Jonghyun in his bed in the background. A note was attached to the picture and when he opened it he blushed slightly.

“I know you squealed now :P  
You always take so long in the bathroom…”

 

How dare he use his mobile phone in his absence, he thought at first, but the picture was way too adorable to be angry for too long. So Kibum replied to Jonghyun, his message containing six simple words:

“You are way too cute, weirdo! :P”

**Chapter 15**

 

Kibum followed Jonghyun’s advice that day, sat down at his desk and went through the notes of his upcoming biology presentation. He tried to memorize as much as possible, going through his speech over and over again, rephrasing sentences in his head, trying to imagine how it would be to speak in front of his classmates. His mind went to Jonghyun more than once while doing so. It was nicer to think of Jonghyun than of presentations anyway. He already missed the other even though it had been only a few hours since he last had seen him. Kibum had never been someone who needed people to surround himself with. He always had been okay with playing on his own as a kid and as a teenager. But now that he experienced how it was to have someone like Jonghyun in his life he started to appreciate the feeling of not being alone all day.

He still had Jinki as a friend, but their friendship mostly consisted of spending time together at school. He had never been at Jinki’s nor had the other ever been at his home. They both were perfectly fine with this friendship. Sometimes they talked online, but that was it. Kibum had never really thought about it, but wasn’t it weird that he had met up with Jonghyun so easily after school when he hadn’t managed to meet up with Jinki during all that time they’d already known each other?

Kibum stared blankly at the pink wall behind his white computer and frowned; a pencil sticking loosely between his lips. Friendships were an enigma to him. His friendships with Jonghyun and Jinki were so different and still he was perfectly fine with both of them. Maybe it was wrong to compare Jinki with Jonghyun because the latter was his boyfriend, but still Jonghyun and he had also started out as friends after all. A dreamy smile twitched at the corners of Kibum’s lips when he thought about the word boyfriend, his eyes immediately wandering to his mobile phone. Of course, he had changed his background to the picture Jonghyun had taken of himself earlier that day.

A knock on the door startled him from his thoughts and he looked up, puffing his cheeks slightly.

“Come in,” he called out, turning around in his chair when his mum entered his room.

“Dinner is ready, honey,” she said with a smile and approached her son at his desk, looking at the spread out sheets and books in front of him. “Rereading your notes for tomorrow?” she asked and tousled her boy’s hair, taking one of the papers into her hands, frowning slightly.

“Since when do you have such an awful handwriting?”

A little confused Kibum tipped the paper in his mother’s hand down to take a look at it, chuckling lightly when he saw the scribbling on it.

“These are Jonghyun’s notes.”

“Oh,” was the short answer before his mum started to smile again and put the paper back down. “He’s a charming young man,” she said and Kibum agreed with her with a hum, got up from his chair and put his pencil down on the desk.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked on his way out, his mum following him soft-footed.

“Spaghetti. Your favorite, right?”

“What’s the occasion?” Kibum asked in surprise, the smell of spaghetti, tomato sauce, and parmesan bringing a smile to his lips.

“Nothing. I only thought you would like to eat it,” she beamed and patted Kibum’s shoulder before she sat down at the table and filled her son’s plate with spaghetti.

They sat at the table and ate in silence, which was pretty unusual, because Kibum’s mum always had something to tell him, be it about a new cooking receipt she got from a colleague at work, about a commercial she had seen on TV or about fancy vegetable offers at the supermarket. Kibum didn’t think anything of it at first, eating his noodles happily and thinking of nothing in particular, but when his mum came out with vanilla pudding as dessert Kibum started to get suspicious. His mum wasn’t one to fill her son with sweet stuff because the nurse in her told him over and over again that sugar wasn’t good for teeth and health. The only times she made sweet desserts were when she was worried about something and didn’t know how to broach the subject.

“What is it mum?” he asked warily when he was almost done with his dessert while his mum hadn’t eaten even started with it. The sigh that followed gave her away and Kibum let his spoon sink down and looked over at her.

“I’m worried. That’s all,” she said and stroked a strand of her black hair behind one ear.

“I figured as much. What is it? Our finances? Our flat? Your job? School? My future?” he rambled, listing the things his mum usually worried about when she wasn’t busy with work.

“No, it’s about you and Jonghyun,” she uttered quietly, looking at her son a little pitifully. Kibum perked an eyebrow, not certain what this statement was supposed to mean. Why was she worried about them in the first place? They didn’t fight or anything. Everything was perfectly fine.

“Why? Everything is fine,” Kibum answered shortly and went back to scooping the rest of his pudding into his mouth, scratching bits of it out of the little glass bowl.

“That’s not what I’m worried about. I see that you two get along well,” she said with a reassuring smile.

“What is it then?”

“Do his parents know about you two? Have you already met them?”

Kibum stopped eating, the spoon remaining in his mouth when he shook his head no. Neither had he met Jonghyun’s parents nor did they know about them. They had talked about it and had agreed that there was no need for it as long as no one asked. Maybe this attitude had been a little too naïve?

“I thought so already. Does he want to tell them about you?” she continued carefully and Kibum shrugged, pulling the spoon out of his mouth and placing it next to his dessert.

“There is no need to. It’s not like we’re going to marry, move away and have kids, right?” Kibum said a little sarcastically, licking his lips. That’s why he didn’t like to talk about things like that with his mum. He hated it how she saw everything as an adult and didn’t get his point. He was a teenager. He was supposed to think illogical.

“Honey, don’t you think they have a right to know about it? I’m only worried that he hurts you in the end without wanting it in the first place just because his parents can’t deal with it. He might be eighteen already but he still lives together with them and not every parent is as open-minded as I am.”

Kibum hated it that she got a point. As hard as it was to admit it she was right. Sometimes he forgot that he was more than lucky to have a mum like he had and that it wasn’t as usual as he liked to believe that parents were as accepting as his mum was. Homosexual teenagers worldwide didn’t just kill themselves because of people who beat them up after school.

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” he said lowly and bit his lip, staring down at his empty dessert bowl. The flavor of the sweet pudding on his tongue tasted really sour all of a sudden. Maybe this was the poisoned apple, the snag in his fairytale?

“I know that honey. But sometimes you don’t have a choice. Maybe I’m worrying too much, but I saw too many parents that couldn’t deal with their kids’ orientation. And I’m afraid that you will be the one in the end who gets hurt, you know.” She reached out and patted the back of her son’s hand, Kibum’s gaze still fixed on the bowl in front of him.

“Wouldn’t it be better then if we keep it a secret after all? It’s our choice and no one else’s.”

“Honey, do you always want to hide the one you really are?”

“I’ve never done anything else in my life, mum,” Kibum murmured, embittered, his left hand clenching into a fist beneath the table top.

“But what if you two get serious? You can’t hide that forever.”

“We still can try.”

Kibum felt like crying. Half an hour ago he still had felt like painting rainbows into the sky and spinning around in a cornfield like a crazy person, but now his heart ached. He had liked the idea of a relationship no one but them knew of, but maybe it had been only the image of secret meetings and forbidden kisses that had appealed to him. He had thought that the talk he had had with Jonghyun would have been enough, but maybe he had been wrong. But wasn’t it better if they waited a little longer? What if it wasn’t going to work between them after all? Shouldn’t he at least meet Jonghyun’s parents before they did something stupid?

He leaned his head against his mum’s breast when she came up to him and hugged him from behind, her hands looping around his frame, her head resting on his shoulder.

“I will be there no matter what, okay?” she whispered and placed a kiss on Kibum’s cheek, the boy nodding slowly and closing his eyes for a moment. Life would be easier if everyone was like his mum.

Kibum went to bed early that day, his head aching from all the thoughts that ran through his mind. He knew they would manage somehow, but after the talk with his mum, he was really worried about Jonghyun’s parents. They knew their son as the one who brought girls home and not as the one who brought a boy along. But they couldn’t be so bad when they had raised a boy who was so sincere and outspoken, could they?

***

The first thing Kibum read after waking up the next morning was three messages he had received the previous night. He had put his mobile phone on mute the night before because he hadn’t been able to stand the ringtone of his phone for the time being. All messages were from Jonghyun. In the first one, he asked why Kibum wasn’t online. The second one consisted only of a sad looking smiley and the third one was sent around three in the morning, telling Kibum that Jonghyun hoped that he wasn’t angry or something and that he would go to bed now. He had signed the message with a heart, which made Kibum’s heartache anew. He sat up in his bed, ruffled his hair and rubbed the sleep out of his eye before he replied, writing Jonghyun that he was sorry that he didn’t answer any of his messages, but that his mobile phone had been on mute because he had had a headache.

He grabbed his school uniform and fresh underwear and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. The flat was silent except for the sound of his feet walking along the small corridor. His mum had already gone to work and he was glad because the talk with her still kept his mind busy. He shouldn’t be affected like he was because what mattered was the relationship between him and Jonghyun and both of them had agreed that no one needed to know about them, but that they wouldn’t lie if anyone asked. Jonghyun would move away from home in a few months anyway, so why make a big deal out of it?

The shower was less relaxing than he had hoped it would be, his muscles still feeling stiff when he walked into the kitchen, later on, to eat something for breakfast. He checked his mobile phone every now and then, hoping for a message from Jonghyun but his inbox stayed empty and only Jonghyun’s face appeared on his mobile phone when he undid the keylock. With a sigh, he outlined the contours of Jonghyun’s face for the last time before he pushed the mobile phone into the pocket of his pants and went back into his room to grab his bag and leave for school.

***

Kibum sat in his biology class, his legs bobbing up and down out of nervousness. He hadn’t seen Jonghyun all day and already had a guilty consciousness for not answering his messages right away. Maybe he was angry now?

“The complete table is moving due to your constant bobbing. Calm down, Kibum. No chicken army here to eat you alive,” Jinki tried to reassure and placed his hands on the table to keep it from shaking. “Not that chickens eat human bodies,” he added as an afterthought, frowning slightly.

“I hate presentations. I hate it when people stare at me…what if I tell crap…or what if I forget what I wanted to say and start to stutter?” Kibum sighed, ignored Jinki’s rambling about chickens and nibbled on the end of his pencil, watching his fellow students coming into the room to take their seats. Ten minutes left till the lesson would start and he would be suffering from an agonizing death. His hands were cold and sweaty and his heart raced in his chest. He was a wreck and it didn’t help much that Jonghyun wasn’t there to give him some sort of support despite the fact that he had promised it.

“You will be fine. Jonghyun helped you with your presentation, right? And you’re not the only one who is going to do their presentation today. Chinho and Haewoo doing theirs, too.” Jinki patted his friend’s shoulder and sent him an encouraging smile, but Kibum only looked at him warily before he heaved out a distressed sigh and let his forehead sink down onto the table, stretched out his arms and grabbed the edges of the desk.

“Oh, I hate my life,” he whined exaggeratedly, closed his eyes and pitied himself. At least he had managed to replace his worry over the talk with his mum with the fear of talking in front of the class for a second. If that wasn’t something to be happy about, he thought and let out another whine. It shouldn’t be allowed to torture students with presentations.

“Oh oh… what do we have here? A crybaby… I leave you for a day and you’re a mess when I come back, huh?”

A low chuckle reached Kibum’s ears and when he turned his head and opened his eyes he looked straight into Jonghyun’s smiling face who hunkered next to his table, arms hiding behind his back. The smile that crept onto Kibum’s face within a second was almost scary to witness. He had kept his promise after all.

“You’re here,” he mumbled and immediately straightened his posture, not wanting to look like the pitiful creature he felt like.

“I promised,” Jonghyun grinned and grabbed one of Kibum’s hands to place something on it.

“It’s a little zinc Buddha from Japan. I got it from my grandma and it brings luck. So keep a good eye on him,” he explained and Kibum looked down at his palm, the little figure sitting peacefully on his hand, smiling. He grinned and already wanted to say thank you when Jonghyun continued to speak. “And this is something to drink. Peach-passion fruit – fruit content 80%. If you have a headache you need to drink more and fall is slowly coming to town so fruits are always good. So you have both combined into one,” he said jokingly to praise the fruit drink and placed an orange colored plastic bottle and a white straw onto his desk. For a second Kibum was speechless and didn’t know what to say. It was rare to meet someone as considerate as Jonghyun was and his kindness made him want to hug the other until he wasn’t able to breathe anymore.

Someone like Jonghyun wouldn’t hurt him, not on purpose at least.

“Thank you, Jong,” he mumbled and chewed on the side of his bottom lip, not really knowing what to do with all the feelings inside of him.

“Stop chewing on your lip again, Kibum,” Jonghyun sniggered and tilted his head a little, flicking his finger against Kibum’s kneecap. Kibum immediately stopped the nervous nibbling and pressed his lips together, blushing slightly. He should use lip balm.

“Hey Jonghyun, come on…Mr. Sagong isn’t going to wait and writes the exam without us.”

Kibum turned his head when he heard a foreign voice calling his boyfriend’s name, a boy standing impatiently in the doorframe, looking over at them.

“I’m coming,” Jonghyun called back and sighed a second later. “I have to go,” he then said and looked at Kibum with a pout who couldn’t fully grasp the situation. His boyfriend…exam…now?

“You’re writing an exam now?” was all that he could utter, completely bewildered. His boyfriend was going to write an exam but was still here, trying to calm him down over a lousy presentation?

“Yeah…math. Curve sketching…how much I hate it.” Jonghyun pulled a face before he got up and ruffled Kibum’s hair. “Do I see you online today?” he asked, smiling when Kibum nodded, looking at him dumbly. “Great. Then I read you later. I keep my fingers crossed for you. Good luck,” he smiled and winked at him before he said goodbye to Jinki and left the room, waving at a girl in the back of the classroom on his way out.

“Duh, he really knows how to sweep you off your feet, huh?” Jinki whispered in amusement, nudging the younger with his elbow.

“Did he really just say that he’s going to write math now?” Kibum still looked blankly at the now empty doorframe, eyes not really focusing on anything.

“Yep, this guy is as cool as chicken,” Jinki nodded and made a smooth gesture with his hand. Kibum simply frowned at the comment, slowly shaking his head. Jonghyun had spent the weekend with him, had helped him with his presentation and didn’t learn for an exam in a major subject? Sometimes Kibum really questioned Jonghyun’s sanity. He knew that Jonghyun always emphasized that marks in subjects like math didn’t matter to him, because he had a safe place at a music college, but still, didn’t he have some kind of ambition in school next to his music subjects? Kibum looked down at the smiling Buddha in his hand and closed his fingers around it, stuffing it carefully into his pants' pockets.

“Sometimes I really don’t get him, Jinki,” he sighed and played around with the bottle Jonghyun had given him.

“That’s the whole thrill about dating, Kibum. It would start to get boring if you got him,” the older one smiled and pulled his biology book on their shared table closer, opening it.

“I guess you’re right,” he sighed and stiffened when he saw Mrs. Yang entering the classroom who closed the door behind herself, the class falling silent within a second. He swallowed, started bobbing with his legs again and took his pencil between his fingers, drumming an unsteady beat on his notepad. He hated presentations… so much.

*** 

“Congratulations, you survived,” Jinki threw his hands up in the air when the class was over and the students started to leave the room to go home. Kibum smiled at him while he packed his stuff into his backpack, his heart feeling a lot lighter now. It hadn’t been the best presentation the world had ever seen, but it had been good enough. After some stuttering, in the beginning, he had pulled himself together and had concentrated on Jinki instead of the other pairs of eyes that watched him suffering in front of the class. He had mentioned everything that had needed to be said and had gotten an A- in the end, his teacher especially liking his mitochondrion model. He was sure that Jonghyun would be proud of him.

“Yeah, but I thought I would die in the beginning when I made a slip at triphosphate and had to correct myself trice,” he said sheepishly and shouldered his bag.

“Ah, no one cared. You got an A. What else do you want? Chicken?” Jinki sniggered, linked arms with the younger and accompanied him on his way out.

“Four days left and we have a week off. I really need that break. School has been straining lately,” Jinki complained and ruffled his hair, yawning.

“That’s because you spend all your time with learning,” Kibum teased and chuckled when the older shoved him to the side.

“It’s not like I have a boyfriend to entertain me,” the older retorted with a grin, making the smile on Kibum’s face widen.

“You still have chicken.” Kibum patted Jinki’s shoulder pitifully, snorting when the other darted out his tongue at him.

“Is he going take you out for your birthday next week?” Jinki asked after several meters and Kibum’s face fell for a second, the sound of their footsteps on the PVC floor ringing in his ears.

His birthday.

He had totally forgotten his own birthday. How could that be? As a kid he had always counted the days till his birthday, had crossed out the calendar days with a red marker and had rambled all day about what kind of cake he wanted to have and what he wished for, but since his dad had left them, birthdays had never been the same again and as hard as his mother always had tried to make his birthday perfect…it had lost its magic. He had spent his last birthday in his room crying, and this year he had basically ignored it…until now at least.

“He doesn’t know my birthday,” Kibum said with a sad smile, hands pulling at the straps of his backpack. Not that it mattered. He didn’t want to celebrate it anyway. He thought it was stupid to celebrate one’s existence once a year. You only became older anyway.

“He never asked? What a lousy boyfriend you have there,” Jinki deadpanned.

Both boys continued to walk along the corridor to the entrance in comfortable silence, but when they passed a staircase that led to the third floor Kibum stopped in his tracks and looked up.

“Why did you stop?” Jinki asked and turned around to look at the younger one who puffed his cheeks and rubbed his nape a little awkwardly.

“I thought about visiting Jonghyun, but he gives a piano lesson right now,” Kibum explained with a sigh, making Jinki smile warmly at him.

“Your boyfriend is a popular teacher, huh?” he kidded and gave Kibum a little push. “Go up, I’m sure he will be happy to see his most favored student,” Jinki added and nodded encouragingly when Kibum looked a little uncertain.

“Come on, you’re his supadupa boyfriend…of course, he will be happy,” the older encouraged him and waved his hands to signalize the other that he really should go upstairs. What would he do without Jinki? Probably sitting in one of the stalls in the boys’ restroom, waiting for time to go by like he had done at his previous school, Kibum thought bitterly and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“I hope you’re right,” Kibum then uttered after a little moment of hesitation and walked up the stairs, waving Jinki goodbye. For a second it felt like it always had when he had visited the music room secretly, his heart pounding in his chest, anticipation, and anxiety mixing together. This way everything had started. If he hadn’t heard Jonghyun playing the guitar in the music room on the third floor he might have never seen nor met him.

He already heard the faint sound of a piano when he reached the third floor and with a smile he walked up to the room, looking through the door which was slightly ajar. There was a young girl – maybe 10 or 11 – sitting next to Jonghyun at the piano who listened attentively to the things the older had to say.

“You press the keys too hard. This composition isn’t heavy metal, you know,” Kibum heard Jonghyun joke and saw the girl next to him giggle; mouth hidden behind one hand. “Debussy requires lots of feeling. Try to play the triads a little bit softer in the beginning and pay attention to the tempo,” he explained further, bringing his fingers slowly down onto the keys. The girl nodded enthusiastically, seeming to absorb every single word Jonghyun said. Kibum smiled inwardly. It was probably her second lesson and she had already developed a crush on her music teacher and tried to impress him with easy musical pieces, Kibum thought with a grin and followed Jonghyun with his eyes when said one got up from his place and wandered around the piano.

To his astonishment the girl was good…really good and most definitely not a beginner. To his ears the melody she played sounded perfect, but Jonghyun didn’t seem to agree with him because he interrupted her right away, corrected her and then asked her to start anew. Jonghyun had never been so harsh on him when he had taught him how to play the guitar. Maybe he had realized at an early stage that Kibum was a hopeless case and that being harsh on him wouldn’t change something about his talent-free self. The game of playing, stopping, correcting and starting anew lasted for half an hour and Kibum had already settled down on the ground like he had done in the past when the lesson was finally over.

“Say hi to your mum from me, Hyunae,” he heard Jonghyun say a couple of minutes later and got up from the floor again, dusting his pants. Jonghyun’s student flinched when she opened the door on her way out and saw Kibum standing there who smiled a little clumsily and looked over at Jonghyun who didn’t seem to have seen him because he sat back down at the piano. The girl bowed slightly before she smiled shyly and walked past him. Kibum waited until she was out of sight before he went inside and closed the door behind him, tiptoeing towards Jonghyun, the older starting to play the composition he had practiced on with the girl.

 

[Kibum ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-WqFNtcS-o&feature=youtu.be)listened to Jonghyun’s piano play for a moment before he stepped behind him and placed his hands over the other’s eyes, the older immediately stiffening beneath him. The piano play hushed instantly and Jonghyun’s hands wandered up to his, carefully feeling the structure of them. Kibum enjoyed the tingling the other’s fingers caused and grinned when Jonghyun took one of his hands, brought it to his lips and kissed it.

“What a nice surprise,” Jonghyun mumbled against the skin before he turned around and looked up at Kibum with a smile.

“Hi there,” the younger whispered and was pulled into a kiss a second later. “Not here,” he mumbled against Jonghyun’s lips, cheeks heating up and eyes hectically scanning the environment for an unwanted witness.

“Where else?” Jonghyun responded cheekily before he withdrew his lips and smirked, patting the place next to him on the little piano stool.

“Anywhere but here,” Kibum murmured before he sat down next to Jonghyun, the other chuckling quietly.

“What brings you here?” the older wanted to know, fingers going back to their place on the keys, the melody from earlier filling the room again.

“You,” Kibum answered truthfully, making Jonghyun smile gently who looked over at him for a second before he concentrated back on the keys.

“The girl was good. You were too hard on her,” the younger complained, watching the other’s fingers move swiftly over the keys.

“She needs it. She’s practicing for the entrance exam of a music school. Her technique is fine, but she has no feeling. Her mum is a friend of my mum and asked me to practice with her,” Jonghyun explained, fingers not leaving the keys.

“But she looked so young.”

Jonghyun laughed lowly and nodded.

“You have to start young to become something. Actually, this piece by Debussy is way too easy for her. It’s more like a finger exercise,” he explained with a content smile and Kibum nodded understandingly, watching the other wordlessly for a while before a frown covered his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were going to write a math exam today? If I had known that you’re busy with your own studies then I had never invi…”

“That’s why I didn’t say anything,” Jonghyun interrupted him with a soft smile and stopped pressing down the keys. “I hate math. It’s so pointless. If I fail it…I don’t care. I can easily compensate it with other subjects. Why waste time on something that won’t bear fruits in the end?” He shrugged nonchalantly and then stretched himself with a sigh.

“Did your presentation go well?”

Kibum nodded slightly, reaching out and pressing down a key with his forefinger.

“Got an A-,” he said and grinned to himself when Jonghyun pulled him into a hug and tousled his hair.

“Oh… that’s great. See. I said you will be fine,” the older exclaimed and Kibum nodded again, locking eyes with Jonghyun. For the spark of a second the previous night came back to his mind and lowered his mood, but the cute smile on the other’s face made him forget about it again. It wasn’t the right time to talk or to be depressed. He took too much after his mum and worried too much and it was hard to change in this matter.

“Oh, I wanted to show you something,” Jonghyun then suddenly exclaimed and pulled his mobile phone out of his right trouser pocket. Curiously Kibum looked down at the screen which Jonghyun held into his direction and he started to laugh when he saw the background picture of his boyfriend’s mobile phone.

“The filename was ‘Me on mum’s birthday’ and I thought it was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. How old have you been in this photo?” Jonghyun asked inquisitively and Kibum considered his answer for a second, looking at the picture thoughtfully. It showed a little boy with a toothy grin that missed an incisor who wore a green turtle costume, a red headband and posed like a pro with two fake plastic knives.

“I think I was five and totally loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I once scanned all family pictures for digital archiving, but I didn’t know I saved them on my external hard drive. Did you stalk all my pictures on it? I gave it to you for porn not for picture stalking,” Kibum whined theatrically and punched Jonghyun lightly against the arm.

“I also watched porn, don’t worry,” Jonghyun replied teasingly and held his hurting arm.

“And did you find something for your pleasure?”

“Well, I hoped you could recommend me something, but you weren’t there…so I checked the movies with the most appealing covers first. You have an extremely well-organized porn archive, I have to say… at sixteen, which is kind of scary. When did you start to download gay porn… at twelve?” Jonghyun quipped, leaning back when another punch was about to hit him.

“I was fourteen,” Kibum mumbled and started to sulk. First Jonghyun checked out his family photos and now he made fun of him. That wasn’t fair by all means.

“There was this guy…Hiro? My Japanese sucks so much, but I think they called him Hiro. You have several videos including him. He was impressive…I mean...impressive is not the right word. More like…reliable? He really seemed to enjoy himself,” Jonghyun tried to explain and Kibum nodded and was about to respond something when there was first a knock on the door before it opened slowly and revealed another girl who silently entered the room and bowed.

“Hey Soojin,” Jonghyun called with a warm smile, the girl shyly responding the gesture.

“Do you only have girls as students?” Kibum whispered, making Jonghyun laugh.

“Jealous?” He grinned and leaned back a bit to glance at Kibum’s face who pulled a face and then looked to the girl and back to Jonghyun.

“She’s like five or something,” he assumed and screwed up his nose.

“Actually, she’s already fourteen,” Jonghyun explained with a smirk and then turned to his student. “That’s Kibum,” he introduced shortly and pointed at the younger one who bowed slightly when the girl in front of them did.

“I should probably get going then. You will be online later on, right?” Kibum questioned and scratched his neck, smiling when Jonghyun nodded.

“Then I see you later,” he said and suppressed the urge to give Jonghyun a kiss before he left the music room. Outside the room, he took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. This man was going to be the death of him one day. He had watched porn with Hiro? Solely the image of Jonghyun watching porn including Hiro made his legs shake and his heart beat faster. There had been a time – before he had met Jonghyun – when his only purpose in life had been the archiving of every video on the internet that included Hiro; a beautiful, slender Japanese boy aged twenty-two.

*** 

“You’re late today,” his mum called from the kitchen when he closed the front door behind him after he had come home, kicked off his shoes and took off his jacket, wandering to the kitchen on his socks to give his mum a kiss on the cheek.

“I visited Jonghyun,” Kibum answered her, looking over her shoulder to see her sorting out the mail. She smiled up at him, rubbed his cheek with the back of her hand and then got a knife from one of the kitchen drawers to open several envelopes.

“Is he doing well?” she asked casually while her son walked over to the fridge and grabbed a little bottle of strawberry milk.

“Yeah, he gave piano lessons today. He’s a strict teacher,” he replied, put a straw into the bottle and took a sip. He already waited for her to give him other cryptic bits of advice and future prospects to kill his mood anew, but she merely nodded with a smile, collected the opened envelopes and threw them into the bin. Sometimes he really wondered why parents behaved like they did. Everyone always said that teenagers in their puberty were strenuous but parents’ behavior could be much worse in Kibum’s eyes.

“I’m going to do homework,” Kibum then said and went to his room, not really thinking of doing any homework at all. He let his bag fall down to the ground next to his desk before he sat down in his swivel chair and turned on his computer. While it booted up he took a look outside, autumn leaves dancing in the wind in front of his window. Time had passed so fast.

If Jinki hadn’t reminded him of the holidays he would have gone to school next Monday. But holidays also meant that he could spend more time with Jonghyun. A smile appeared on his lips and he took a generous sip of his milk, already imagining all the fun stuff they could do together. He logged into MSN when his computer had finished booting up and waited impatiently for the other’s arrival. Every ‘bing’ that reached his ears when someone logged into the chat program made his eyes shoot to the right corner of his desktop to check if the new user was Jonghyun, a pout framing his lips every time he was met with disappointment. He didn’t want to look too pathetic so he pulled his homework out after half an hour to at least pretend that he was a productive and diligent student.

Sometimes he hated himself for being so obsessed, but Jonghyun’s presence did him good and made him smile, so there couldn’t be anything wrong with it. He hung over his English homework when his mobile phone signalized him that he got a new message, the corners of his mouth going up as soon as he read that Jonghyun was on his way and would be online in ten minutes. Smilingly he bit his thumb, his feet excitedly dancing over the floor. It was a hopeless attempt to continue his English homework from then on, but he tried anyway, his eyes going up to his computer screen every three seconds.

 

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Pika Pika… 

 

Finally…

Kibum thought it was pretty crazy that the use of a simple word - was pika even a word? – caused him to smile like the rays of an atom bomb, but what else should he do? Try to act cool and manly when all he wanted to do was squeal like a little girl?

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**

Seriously, Togepi is so much cooler…

**Jonghyun ♫:**

Duh, Pikachu can use thundershock! The only thing Togepi can is looking cute.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Pff…low-brow…being cute can open you many doors. :P

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Aha, someone is talking from experience?!

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**

Well...

  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Did you come home safely?

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
I’m talking to you…so I guess that’s a yes. :P

 

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Yay!  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Sooooh, about this Hiro guy…do you know whom I'm talking about?

 

Kibum sniggered and shook his head in amusement.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Yepp.

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Is he gay?

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
What do you think?

 

Kibum bit his lip to suppress a smirk. He really loved to talk to Jonghyun online.

 

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Well…  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
…considering his moans and the way he reacts to touches…  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Duh, this guy is sensitive. O.o  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Anyway…I would say he likes to be manhandled. ^-^’  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
This…or he should get an Oscar. Haha

 

Kibum giggled lowly, leaning down to rummage through his backpack for the drink Jonghyun had given him in school. He hadn’t emptied it yet and looked at it with a smile when he found it in the depth of his backpack. He opened the cap and took a sip, liking how fruity and fresh the juice tasted. Jonghyun had a good taste when it came to flavors.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Well, yeah…he is gay. His boyfriend works for the same company. They met at work so to say.

  **Jonghyun ♫:**  
Wow…if that’s not romantic. I don’t know what else is. xD 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
They shot a movie together and well…But he retired this year.

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
O.O Really?  
**Jonghyun ♫:**  
What a pity. He looked good. T_T

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
You’ll survive. :P

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Yeah, I guess. I still have you.

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►► :**  
Cheeseball… :P

 

That’s what he answered Jonghyun but he guessed that they both knew that Kibum sat at his desk and was already blushing again, liking to read the other’s words way too much.

 

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
Don’t make me use that blue smiley again.

 

**◄◄Kibooooooooom►►** :  
You’re evil!

**Jonghyun ♫:**  
>:D

 

Kibum couldn’t do anything but laugh, shaking his head every time Jonghyun behaved like five and not like eighteen. He didn’t even understand why Jonghyun was so childish online. It was always nice for a change, but if someone met Jonghyun in person they wouldn’t think that he was the king of emoticons online.

Kibum chatted with Jonghyun for three hours, their conversations mostly consisting of nagging and teasing each other. It made Kibum easily forget his worries, his bumping heart reigning over his body and not his mind. Before they said goodbye to each other they agreed to meet up for lunch the next day, Kibum leaning back in his chair when he went offline, the brightness of his computer the only source of light in his room by now. He hadn’t even eaten something for dinner because he had been too busy chatting with Jonghyun, but now his stomach growled.

He got up from his chair with a sigh and rubbed his eyes, shuffling to the kitchen to grab some cookies from one of the high kitchen cupboards. It wasn’t like cookies were nutritious or killed his hunger, but they were with nuts and chocolate and reminded him of his first kiss.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 16**

Jinki and Kibum had separated on their way to the school canteen for lunch the next day because Kibum had needed to go to the toilet first while Jinki saved them a place at their favored table in the middle of the refectory. When Kibum entered the place and looked out for Jinki a little later his eyes instantly fell onto his boyfriend who sat opposite his friend and seemed to listen attentively to the things Jinki apparently had to say. With a smile he strolled over to them, sitting down next to Jonghyun with a grin.

“Hey,” Jonghyun greeted him and turned his head to face the younger one, Kibum waving happily at him. He behaved less awkward around the other nowadays and he was thankful for it because being awkward was strenuous for everyone involved as time went on.

“I brought something along for you two,” Kibum announced cautiously, opening his schoolbag and pulling the box with cookies out that he had started to eat the previous night. Actually, he only wanted to see if Jonghyun still remembered them, but he couldn’t say that Jinki wasn’t allowed to have any of them. That would haven been rude.

“Cookies?” Jinki questioned with big eyes, chewing visibly on something that looked like it still had been chicken some time ago.

“Oh chocolate cookies with peanuts… my favorite,” Jonghyun started to grin knowingly, took the package in his hands and turned it around. “It’s missing some chips, soju, and beer, though,” he added, looking at Kibum with a smirk.

He really remembers them, Kibum thought and responded the smile gleefully while Jinki merely arched an eyebrow and watched the two others warily without saying a word.

“Well, no alcohol allowed in here,” Kibum responded; his knee shifting a little till it brushed softly against Jonghyun’s.

“What a pity.” Jonghyun puffed his cheeks for a moment before he rubbed the back of his head and looked down at the cookies. “I take one, ‘kay?”

“Serve yourself,” Kibum smiled and gestured at the cookies before he reached into his bag again and pulled out his lunch box and the little zinc Buddha Jonghyun had given him for the presentation.

“Here. Thank you. He brought me luck,” he said and put the little figure onto the table, pushing it into Jonghyun’s direction with his fingers. The older looked at it, half of the cookie hanging out of his mouth, making him look a bit like a frog, which made him appear just too cute for words in Kibum’s eyes.

“Oh, you can keep him,” he mumbled, biting off a piece of cookie, munching it joyfully.

“But it’s from your grandma.”

“She brings one with her for me every time she goes to Japan. I already have twenty in a box at home. Don’t worry,” he answered with a reassuring smile when his mouth was empty, and Kibum hesitated for a second before he took the Buddha back and closed his fingers around it. The biology presentation wouldn’t be the last burden in his life after all and he was sure that he needed a lucky charm sooner or later again to calm his nerves, and owning something that had belonged to Jonghyun felt nice.

“Thank you,” Kibum uttered then, stowing the little figure safely away.

“Yah, Kibum. Jonghyun just told me he won’t be there next week,” Jinki threw in when the table fell silent, Jonghyun eating another cookie and Kibum fighting with the mayonnaise on his sandwich that dripped out of the sides. He had been just dipping his tongue into the slit between the white bread halves when Jinki had opened his mouth, his eyes snapping open in an instant.

“You won’t be here?” he asked, bewildered, images of walks in the park, meetups at the swimming pool or at one of their homes passing in front of his inner eye before they went down the drain.

“Yeah,” the older sighed and rubbed his nape sheepishly, taking another bite of the cookie in his other hand. “We’re going to visit my grandparents in Ulsan. You know the city on the east coast? I haven’t accompanied my parents the last time they went there because I had to practice and learn for the music college entrance exam, but now my grandma had explicitly wished for my visit. So I don’t have much of a choice. It’s an act of God, so to say,” he explained and to Kibum he didn’t sound too happy about it himself.

A big pout framed the younger one’s face and his shoulders slumped down, knee automatically moving away from Jonghyun’s.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he mumbled, his hunger gone all of a sudden.

“Because I had hoped that I still could manage to get out of this somehow, but my mum said that she doesn’t want my grandma to ask her all week why I haven’t come along with them…again. You know I’m her only grandson between a lot of granddaughters and I’m also the youngest one of us…so she pampered me a lot when I was little and she would still like to do that today.”

“I understand,” Kibum answered with a nod and looked down at the sandwich in his hands. It would be the first time they would be separated for a longer period of time. Just the thought of it made Kibum’s heart clench uncomfortably. A week without Jonghyun sounded to Kibum like a month without food and water…life-threatening. He had hoped to spend more time with Jonghyun alone, to get to know him even better, to maybe meet his parents or something, but now that he knew that the other wouldn’t even be there to spend his time with him Kibum felt lousy.

“You should have told me anyway,” he sighed after a moment of thinking silently to himself and wiped away a bit of mayonnaise that stuck to the corner of his mouth.

“I’m sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise.”

Kibum looked suspiciously at the reassuring smile Jonghyun sent his way, not really wanting to respond it.

“How long will you be gone?” Kibum asked then, neatly placing the rest of his sandwich back into his lunch box to occupy himself with something. It was hard to keep a straight face when all he wanted to do right now was to sit in a dim room, sway back and forth and stare into the darkness.

“We’ll drive away on early Saturday morning and I think we will be back the next Saturday,” he answered and Kibum nodded again, his mind immediately calculating the time of Jonghyun’s absence, numbers floating through his mind like they were hunting him down - approximately 164 hours or 10080 minutes – those were numbers he didn’t want to think of at all, because they sounded like an eternity to him.

“Then we won’t see each other after school on Friday?” he asked uneasily, clammy fingers rubbing over his kneecaps under the table.

“Of course we do,” Jonghyun said smilingly and then sighed. “Your face makes me all depressed,” the older added and nudged his shoulder against Kibum’s with a pout on his face.

“Sorry.”

Kibum didn’t mean it. He wasn’t sorry at all and couldn’t really get why Jonghyun didn’t seem to be sad at all about the fact that they wouldn’t see each other for a week. If you like someone shouldn’t you be a bit more affected if you knew that you wouldn’t see said person for a while? Did it mean that he simply didn’t mean as much to Jonghyun as the older meant to him?

“Hey…Kibum…I still have internet at my grandparent’s and I also have a mobile phone. I’m not going to some abandoned tribe in the deepest jungle where they don’t have any technology.”

“It still won’t be the same,” the younger responded then and placed the lid back on his lunchbox. He sighed when he felt the other’s hand grabbing his under the table, squeezing it lightly. It was just a week. A week was nothing. It would go by in a blur and before he knew it Jonghyun would be back again.

He only had to make sure to believe in it.

***

 To Kibum’s misfortune, God hadn’t heard his silent prayers at night and hadn’t stopped the process of time to prevent Friday from coming nearer. Before he knew it the last school day had come and with that his last opportunity to spend some private time with Jonghyun. Instead of rushing outside after the school bells announced the end of school for a week he stayed behind with Jinki to wait for Jonghyun and leaned against one of the school lockers, half of his face hidden behind a fluffy and thick woolen scarf. It rained heavily and the temperature had dropped a few degrees over the span of the past days and Kibum liked to imagine that it was his fault that nature had decided to mirror his inner riot and restlessness. Not that he minded. Why should anyone be able to enjoy some last rays of sunlight in their short holidays before the cold season started, when he knew that he would sit alone at home all week, being deeply grieved?

“Yah Kibum, I need to go otherwise I’ll be late for my appointment at the dentist,” Jinki said after they had waited for Jonghyun for about ten minutes, his eyes going back and forth between his watch and Kibum.

“Then hurry up. I don’t mind waiting alone. I’m sure he will be here in a bit,” Kibum uttered, his voice sounding muffled through the fabric of his scarf. Jinki pursed his lips in thought for a second, eyeing Kibum suspiciously before he glanced down at his watch again with a sigh.

“Okay then. Don’t be such a grumpy and enjoy the time that’s left, ‘kay? He’s not gone forever. We hear from each other, right?” Jinki asked then, smiling brightly when Kibum nodded.

“Then I guess I’ll see you around. Have a great holiday and say hi to Jonghyun from me,” he said and waved at Kibum who raised his arm to bid the other goodbye in return.

“You, too. Don’t overeat yourself on chicken,” Kibum called after him when Jinki jogged along the corridor, the older only laughing at his comment. When Jinki was out of sight Kibum’s head fell back against the locker in his back and he stared up at the ceiling, puffing his cheeks like he usually did when he was bored. He didn’t even know what they were going to do today. He hadn’t seen much of Jonghyun the past days because the older always had been busy with giving classes after school. They had ‘seen’ each other online every evening, but that wasn’t the same. He missed to hug Jonghyun and kiss him. Just seeing him smile would be enough actually. Jonghyun hadn’t been able to join them for lunch, because Mr. Song - his music theory teacher - had asked him to stay after class to talk over a presentation Jonghyun had to do after holidays like Jonghyun had told him in a short text message earlier that day and now he waited for the other, having no idea why he was late. School was over and Kibum hated it to wait. He counted the yellowish water stains at the ceiling and had arrived at number fifty-four when he finally heard some reverberation of footsteps running down the corridor. When he turned his head he saw Jonghyun approaching him; a smile on his face, guitar bag over his shoulder.

“Sorry, I was held up,” he apologized a little out of breath and a smile automatically appeared on Kibum’s face. No matter how bad he actually felt, seeing Jonghyun really made his life a little better. His smile was like medicine…a placebo. Wasn’t it sad that the mere thought, the plain sight of the other could make him this happy?

“It’s okay,” Kibum responded calmly and pushed himself off of the lockers, accompanying Jonghyun.

“It’s raining buckets outside,” Jonghyun sighed, fingers unnoticeably wandering over to Kibum’s, the join of their pinkies making the younger look down at their hands with a beam.

“Yeah, I don’t even have an umbrella.”

“Neither have I. I guess we need to run to the tram station then,” Jonghyun suggested, rubbing the back of his head when he had pushed the entrance open and looked up at the darkened sky. Kibum pulled a face, not really liking the idea of running around in the rain. He hated both; running and rain.

“Don’t pull a face. The tram station isn’t that far away,” Jonghyun said encouragingly, grabbed the other’s hand and started to run, Kibum stumbling over his feet in surprise, his body following the other on autopilot. He growled in annoyance as the first water drops fell on him and hit his face, making his hair stick wetly to his skin. The rain was cold and he felt water already seeping into his sneakers after the first hundred meters, his mood sinking gradually with every gust of wind that swept into his face. He couldn’t even enjoy the touch of the older one’s hand, because all he could think of was the rain that trickled down his neck and face, into his clothes and shoes.

“Oh god, I hate rain so much,” he whined, his free arm pulled up to hide his face a little, the laugh of the other ringing in his ears.

“I love rain,” the other exclaimed and when Kibum looked up for a second Jonghyun smiled at him, his black bangs sticking to his face, raindrops dribbling down his pale cheeks.

“You’re weird,” Kibum responded with a grin, fingers tightening a little around Jonghyun’s. It was like in the romantic movies in which the lovebirds run through the rain at night and come to a halt at some solitary bus stop in the middle of nowhere to look into each other’s eyes with a lovestruck smile, faces inching closer until their breath mixed together and their lips touched. The only differences were that it wasn’t night and they didn’t run to an abandoned bus stop to kiss thus it wasn’t really romantic. Kibum was short of breath when Jonghyun finally slowed down in his steps, his heart racing in his chest, lungs pumping oxygen into his system.

“I…really…hate…running,” he gasped, hand holding his chest to calm down a little. He had never been an athlete and he wouldn’t ever be.

“Oh come on, at least it’s dry here,” Jonghyun smirked; his head slightly tilted to the side.

“It might be dry in here, but we’re still drenched to the bones,” Kibum whined exaggeratedly, scrunching up his nose in disgust when he felt how his clothes stuck wetly against his skin. He tousled his wet hair, feeling like a drowned rat.

“You can change into something warm when you’re at home, stop whining,” Jonghyun teased, giggling when Kibum started to pout.

Kibum heard the smacking of water in his shoes during every step he took, his mood nearing zero when they reached the tram station closest to his home and had to run yet again to conquer the last kilometer to his flat.

“I think I haven’t run that much for five years or so,” Kibum panted, fiddling around with the latchkey which slipped through his wet fingers every single time he tried to push it inside the keyhole. He swore under his breath, damned his life and sighed in utter relief when he heard the click of the lock, which signalized him that he finally had managed to open it.

“Thank God, I already thought we had to wait till my mum comes home,” Kibum mumbled, stepped inside and immediately took off his shoes to place them next to the entrance.

“She isn’t home yet?” Jonghyun asked while he followed the other’s example and pulled off his shoes, scrunching up his nose when he noticed how soggy his black chucks were from the rain.

“Nah, she told me this morning that she would be home late. She has a meeting with the other nurses and doctors in her department,” Kibum explained casually, running his finger through his wet hair before he went over to the kitchen and made a beeline to the fridge.

“Want something to drink or a snack?” he asked while searching the contents of the refrigerator for something edible, his eyes widening to plates when he tried to look over his shoulder seconds later only to be met with the other’s face which was a mere inch away. He gulped and raised his eyebrows in question.

“I’m fine with a kiss,” Jonghyun grinned cheekily and slung his arms around the other’s waist, pulling him nearer to give him a small peck on the mouth. A slight blush crept onto Kibum’s face, but he smiled because he hadn’t felt Jonghyun’s lips on his in what felt like forever. They were a couple and still they couldn’t act like one most of the time. Usually, Kibum was okay with it, but at times it really annoyed him, especially when he saw love-struck girls holding hands with their high-school crushes. He envied his straight fellow students because in his eyes everything was so much easier for them. They didn’t have to ‘hide’ like he had to.

“What are you thinking about?”

Kibum hadn’t noticed that his thoughts had drifted far away from reality and time and he shook his head slightly to collect his thoughts again, looking into his boyfriend’s face, who had his head tilted, obviously scanning his face in curiosity.

“Nothing, it’s nothing…I just…didn’t…ah…nevermind.” Kibum waved the other’s skeptical look off, sending Jonghyun a smile before turning back to the fridge and snatching two bottles of strawberry milk.

“Are those okay?” he asked, wagging the bottles in front the other’s face, grinning when he got an approving hum in return.

Not long after their little journey into the younger boy’s kitchen both high schoolers found themselves in Kibum’s room, flinging their school bags into a corner.

“I really need to get out of these pants, they’re dripping wet,” Jonghyun mumbled while he leaned his guitar bag against Kibum’s bed.

“You can have something to wear from me,” Kibum announced nonchalantly and opened his closest, purposefully grabbing two pairs of comfy sweats and two sweaters, one in black for Jonghyun and a grey one for himself.

Kibum avoided it to take a closer look at Jonghyun when the older one took off his school uniform, his eyes scanning every tiny bit of wallpaper for distraction. He heard the rustling of clothes and only the thought of the other’s naked skin so close to his own body made something twitch in his southern regions. He turned around to look out his window, slowly taking off his own clothes. He knew that there was no need to be shy around Jonghyun anymore. They had been closer and more intimate by now than Kibum had been with any other person in his life, but somehow he still didn’t have the guts to act on his desires. Desires that would include lots of naked skin… and kisses…and touches… and feelings that Kibum imagined being fantastic, satisfactory and life-changing, but also feelings he was too shy to explore yet.

He froze when he took off his wet shirt, spreading it over the back of his chair to let it dry a bit.

“Hey, are you cold?”

Kibum bit his lower lip when he felt a warm hand roaming his shoulder blade, a nice prickling sensation floating his body from the simple gesture.

“It’s okay,” he answered simply, reaching out for the grey sweater to pull it over his head in record time. He did the same with his pants, trying to ignore the burning stare Jonghyun sent his way. Why did it seem so hard sometimes? He knew that he should act differently…more openly, but it was so damn hard. When they spent lots of time together it got easier over time, he got used to the other’s closeness and his touches, but when they hadn’t seen each other for some days he felt like he had to start anew like he had to build up their bond of trust again. It was nonsense, because what could change within a couple of days?

“Are you still angry at me for not telling you that I’m leaving tomorrow?”

Kibum heard the insecurity in the other’s voice and it made his heart ache slightly because the other didn’t deserve to feel guilty for something he couldn’t change. He shook his head a little, turning around and sending a weak smile the older one’s way.

“Nah, like you've said…you’re not gone forever.”

“Yeah.”

Jonghyun nodded in agreement; his voice sounding a little hoarse. The silence that came up afterwards felt a little awkward because it seemed that neither of them knew what to say or do next so Kibum did what he knew best and played around with the sleeves of his sweater, staring holes into the ground.

“Shall we play some guitar?”

Kibum knew that it was only a lame attempt to eliminate the uncomfortable silence, but he was fine with it because playing guitar sounded better than standing around in his room without doing anything.

“Sure,” he agreed and passed Jonghyun to fetch ‘his’ guitar, settling down on his bed shortly after. 

***

Kibum didn’t know what was wrong. He didn’t know why he felt so restless and moody when Jonghyun was sitting next to him, which was usually a reason for him to be happy. But he wasn’t happy. Every time his view crossed Jonghyun’s he felt a twitch in his heart, knowing the other would be gone for a couple of days, that he would leave him all alone by himself in Seoul. It was stupid, but to be honest…Kibum missed him already. He couldn’t enjoy the other’s presence when he knew that it would be the last time for a week. Jinki had told him to not think about it, to spend a nice day with Jonghyun, but at the moment it seemed to be an impossible task. Kibum blamed his hormones for it. Teenage hormones and puberty always seemed to be the best excuse for acting childish, he decided, aimlessly strumming wrong notes on the guitar in his hands.

“Okay, maybe playing the guitar was a bad idea?” It sounded more like a question and Kibum paused in his actions when he heard the other talking to him.

“Sorry,” he only muttered in return and put the guitar away with a sigh. He leaned back on his bed, head resting painfully against the wall while his body rested on the mattress, legs dangling from the edges.

“It’s okay. It’s my fault after all. I should have told you earlier,” Jonghyun murmured and placed his guitar on the floor next to the other’s bed.

“That’s not it...,” Kibum interrupted, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“What is it then?”

Jonghyun lay down on his stomach, looking up at Kibum inquisitively.

“I…I’m just …already missing you…that’s all,” the younger confessed, nibbling on his bottom lip.

“But I’m not gone yet,” Jonghyun retorted, his eyebrows raised in confusion.

“I know…but that doesn’t change anything. The thought that I won’t be able to see you for the next week…that simply hurts,” Kibum added, looking at Jonghyun with sad eyes. The corner of Jonghyun’s mouth went slightly downwards and with an exaggerated sigh, he moved closer to the other, pushing himself up on his elbows to be on eye level with him.

“I have a webcam, we can chat, we can call each other,” he whispered, a finger reaching out to trace the contours of Kibum’s lips. “It’s just a week. It will fly by so fast, believe me,” Jonghyun added encouragingly and leaned forward to press a light kiss to Kibum’s cheek. If he only could make sure that Jonghyun was right. If he only could make sure that the other wasn’t lying, that time would really go by fast. Being single also had its advantages, Kibum realized, because then he wouldn’t miss someone the way he did just now, or this thought might be only a fallacy because in the end, people could also miss people without being in a relationship. Why were love, feelings, and emotions so damn difficult to grasp and to understand? He was sure that living without feelings was easier, but wasn’t it also more boring?

“Shall we play a game?”

Kibum raised an eyebrow and looked skeptically over at Jonghyun who had changed his position so he was lying in the same uncomfortable position as Kibum. Maybe it was a good idea to try changing the topic because thinking about love matters only made Kibum more depressed than he already was.

“What kind of game?”

“My famous ‘answer a question truthfully or else you have to fulfill a penalty’ game,” Jonghyun explained overly enthusiastic, his hand wandering over to grab one of Kibum’s. The younger felt how the other intertwined their fingers, warmth creeping up his hand and arm.

That game again.

It was a fun game he had to admit, but it was also made of embarrassment because he knew how mean and personal Jonghyun’s questions could get. On the other hand, it might be a good distraction.

“’kay, why not…it can’t get any worse than last time, right?” Kibum managed to smile a little, looking down at Jonghyun’s hand that held his in a tight grasp.

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Jonghyun joked and started to giggle when Kibum’s eyes widened.

“Okay. Let’s see. Mmh…What do I want to know…mmmh,” Jonghyun wondered out loudly, looking at the ceiling in thought.

“If you still need to think about a question let me start,” Kibum intervened, already having something on his mind. It was a question that had always lingered in the back of his head, waiting for the right moment to be answered.

“Sure, go on.”

Jonghyun made an inviting gesture with his free hand, his sight wandering back to Kibum. It took the younger a second or two to put his thoughts into order, trying to formulate a well-conceived sentence, but he ended up by saying:

“Why me?”

It was a simple question. At least he thought it was.

“What, why me?”

“I’m not popular, I’m not pretty, I’m not musically talented nor do I have a specific interest in music, I’m not funny, we don’t even have much in common and to top all that I’m not even a girl. So, I still don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense. It might bore you out at this point…but still…why me of all people?”

“Because you are you,” the answer to his question was as easy and simple as the question itself but it made Kibum falter in his words and he thought about those words for a moment. Jonghyun hadn’t even hesitated a second to answer that question. Kibum didn’t like himself much on most days so it didn’t make much sense to him that Jonghyun liked him for being himself.

“I like how your cheeks get this cute pink blush when you’re nervous. The color reminds me of cherry blossoms,” Jonghyun smiled and started to laugh a second later. “Aish, that sounded way too kitschy and poetic I guess. Forget my last sentence again,” he added and sat up to lean against the wall with his back.

“I like how you always try your best in pleasing everyone around you and put your own wishes and desires on hold. Even though I think that you should become a little more selfish from time to time. This world is cruel. You have to fight for the things you want,” Jonghyun explained with raised fists, fighting an imaginary boxing match. This statement made Kibum wonder. He thought of himself as a very selfish person, his relatives hadn't called him a spoiled brat as a kid often enough for nothing, right? So hearing Jonghyun speak about him like this confused him, to say the least.

“I like you for being the one you are. You’re more mature than most people our age. The question should rather be how can anyone not like you? You’re something special Kibum and I would be pretty damn stupid to not let someone like you into my life.”

It felt like a déjà vu to Kibum. Those words sounded so familiar like he had heard them somewhere else before not too long ago. It took him a moment until he realized that Jinki had said something similar to him once when he was afraid that Jonghyun wouldn’t like him. How scary it was that Jinki was right yet again. He should suggest him to host a talk show on TV after graduation. Jinki sure would become pretty popular in no time.

“Thank you,” Kibum whispered, squeezing the other’s hand. “That means… it means a lot to me,” he added softly, looking up into a smiling face.

“No need to say thank you. I’m just telling the truth here.”

With that Jonghyun lifted the other’s hand and placed a kiss on the back of it, making Kibum drown in his own little world. No wonder that Jonghyun’s piano students seemed to be in love with him. He was like prince charming, only without the shining armor and the horse.

“It’s my turn now I guess.”

Kibum agreed with a hum, leaving his awkward position on his mattress to place his head on Jonghyun’s thighs. They were much softer than the wall.

“Sooo…mmmh…Which body part of mine do you like best?”

There was a small smug grin on Jonghyun’s face that made Kibum waver between embarrassment and the need to laugh out loud. How should he choose one piece of Jonghyun? Was that even possible? To Kibum Jonghyun was something Michelangelo would have called his muse; he was perfect.

“I can’t answer this one,” he answered therefore and grinned when a small pout framed the other’s lips.

“Why not?” Jonghyun asked in return and nudged Kibum into the side, making the younger flinch in surprise.

“Because there isn’t just one.”

“But if you had to choose to save your life!” Jonghyun exclaimed then, making big gestures with his hands, pushing the other softly from his legs to tackle him down onto the mattress in one go.

“To save my life?” Kibum laughed, trying to overplay the uneasiness that crept up his stomach due to the fact that the older was hovering over him now, his arms pinned down next to his head. He felt his heart beating louder in his chest, his heart rate slowly increasing.

“Yeah, to save your life,” Jonghyun nodded enthusiastically like only a child would do, causing Kibum to suppress the urge to squeal.

“But I can’t…too difficult,” Kibum repeated himself and started to shriek when Jonghyun started to tickle him. He tried to fight himself free, a little yelp leaving his lips every single time Jonghyun hit a sensitive spot. He was so damn sensitive and ticklish.

“Stop it,” he yelled, laughing, his legs struggling beneath Jonghyun’s body.

“Only if you tell me,” Jonghyun grinned almost devilishly; his voice sounding a little out of breath from the effort to keep the other on the mattress.

“But I said I can’t,” Kibum giggled, trying to shield himself with his arms only to feel how they were pulled away from his chest again. He was still laughing, his ribs aching, his cheeks flushed and his limbs shaking when Jonghyun suddenly stopped in his ministrations and leaned down to him. Kibum continued to laugh at first, but then his voice shut down and he stared back into the other’s face that inched closer by the second.

“Give it a try at least.”

Kibum’s heart was pumping in his ribcage and the blood rushed through his system. He breathed heavily and tried to relax his body again, scanning the other’s face closely. There were so many things he loved about it, starting from the big, brown eyes and the flat nose, the plump lips, and the prominent jaw. He loved the ears and his hair, the tiny scars, his skin tone, and structure. There was just too much he would love to look at all day. So, how should he be able to choose one part?

Instead of answering that ridiculous question he decided to be brave and freed his hands from Jonghyun’s grip - which was surprisingly easy - and placed them on the other’s face, stroking it gently and with care. The skin felt as soft as it looked like, only the part above and beneath his lips felt a little stubbly from not having been shaved properly. He pulled the other down to him then, closed his eyes and kissed the older one. An approving hum left Jonghyun’s mouth and Kibum smiled when the other supported his weight on his elbows, lips starting to get a feel for each other again. Even though it was a familiar feeling by now Kibum still savored every tiny little bit of it.

“I assume you would save your life by answering with ‘lips’, right?” Jonghyun mumbled between kisses, chuckling breathlessly when Kibum pulled him back to a kiss again. The younger one didn’t want to talk, he wanted to kiss Jonghyun, wanted to memorize the feeling of his lips to live off the memory for the next few days. He sucked slowly on the other’s bottom lip, grinning when the older grunted silently above him. There were still so many things to test and explore and sometimes Kibum was afraid that there was too little time for the things he still had in mind.

He didn’t know what made him do it, but before he realized it his lips wandered over Jonghyun’s cheek, his tongue playing with the other’s left earlobe. He sucked and nibbled on it, wandered along the shell with the tip and breathed on the wetness, feeling the other shudder above him. He did that for quite a while, switching between sucking, nibbling and licking the sensitive skin behind the ear before Jonghyun pulled his head away, Kibum looking after him in confusion.

“You better stop that,” Jonghyun breathed with a slightly embarrassed smile and without saying anything else he got up from the younger one and lay down next to him.

“Why?” There was bewilderment written all over Kibum’s face. “Have I done something wrong?” he stuttered, anxiety grumbling in the pit of his stomach. He was convinced of the contrary in an instant when the older one grabbed his hand all of a sudden and placed it onto his crotch without any explanation.

He was hard.

Kibum’s hand flinched slightly within Jonghyun’s hold and he held his breath for a moment, not knowing if it was really his hand that lay in his boyfriend’s crotch. It felt too weird to be a dream, though.

“See, it’s better to stop here before I lose control over the things I’m doing,” he chuckled awkwardly and pulled Kibum’s hands away again to place it on his stomach.

“I didn’t know…”

“Oh come on Kibum, why should you have less impact on me than I have on you? A sexy boy sucking on my ear for minutes, helloooo,” Jonghyun said mockingly, giving the younger one a little nudge with his elbow, Kibum looking at him like a deer in headlights. This really had happened due to his assistance? Only sucking on his ear had turned him on this much?

“Seriously?”

It was one of his personal dumb moments, but sometimes he didn’t really think about the things he said out loud. They bubbled out without him really realizing it.

“Yeah, seriously…give me a second and I’m okay again,” Jonghyun grinned, taking a deep breath.

“’kay,” Kibum nodded and so they lay next to each other in silence again and Kibum didn’t really know what to do next or what to think of this whole situation they were in. He was sure that Jonghyun only had stopped in his actions because he had scared him off with his behavior during the ‘hand incident’ a week earlier when he had acted like a stupid moron. Of course, he didn’t want to rush anything, but wasn’t ‘rushing things’ something he told himself over and over again for a couple of weeks? It bored him out by now because intimacy wasn’t the Holy Grail nor was it a privilege for people in long-term relationships. If he put sex and everything involved so high up into the clouds it was impossible to reach. Intimacy was supposed to be fun, right? Less thinking more feeling, right?

He took a deep breath and licked his lips nervously, hearing the drumming of his heart in his ears.

“I…I want…I want to touch…it.”

Kibum screwed up his eyes, cursing himself for sounding like a kindergartener.

It?

Seriously?

How old was he? Five? He was ready to shovel himself a deep hole when a soft-spoken:

“Are you sure?” reached his ear. Jonghyun didn’t laugh at his choice of words…he sounded seriously worried. Kibum slowly relaxed again but was dead certain that his face probably had the color of a tomato and most definitely not the color of a cherry blossom. He answered Jonghyun’s question with a simple ‘yes’ only because he was afraid that his brain would fail him again. He heard the rustling of clothes and then his hand was gently pushed downwards and he felt naked skin when he reached Jonghyun’s hipbones where his sweatpants were supposed to be sitting.

“You should open your eyes, Kibum,” it was a sweet remark, but it made Kibum blush even further. He bit his bottom lip when he opened his eyes again, feeling insecure all over again. He didn’t glance down directly out of respect and prudence, looking over at Jonghyun instead who smiled at him encouragingly.

It was the last missing piece.

Touching someone else’s penis was something Kibum had imagined to be less awkward, but in reality, it was embarrassing and felt unnatural, because even though it felt similar to his own it also felt completely different. The shape felt different and the thickness and length. When he finally had the guts to look he saw how red the head was and how pale his hand looked in contrast to it. In theory, he knew how everything worked because he was a boy too after all, but he also knew that every boy liked different things and only because he knew what he liked he didn’t know if Jonghyun liked that too.

He felt slightly dizzy and didn’t really dare to move his hand yet, looking into Jonghyun’s crotch like it was some kind of alien.

“Is something wrong?”

Kibum looked back up at Jonghyun, whose breath fluttered slightly. He even looked pretty and handsome just lying around like this.

“Come closer,” Jonghyun then ordered quietly, bringing one of his hands into Kibum’s neck to pull him towards his lips with a smile. Things went easier from then on. It was easier to cope with the fact that he held another’s penis in his hand when Jonghyun distracted him with his mouth. He slowly started to move his hand, feeling the skin beneath his fingertips shifting, wetness trickling down his fingers.

“Is that okay?” he asked when Jonghyun suddenly stopped to move his lips, a breathy moan leaving his lips. He couldn’t deny that it was some kind of a turn on to see the other like this.

“Yeah…perfect…perfect,” Jonghyun babbled, cheeks were slightly pink and lips were swollen from the kissing. Kibum smiled and leaned down again, nibbling on Jonghyun’s ear this time and not his bottom lip.

“Oh god.”

Kibum felt the other arch beneath his ministration, head pressing into the mattress, fingers clawing into Kibum’s hair. He couldn’t really explain it, but he liked this kind of power he had at this moment and forgot about the awkwardness that still had been taken place only minutes ago. He enjoyed how pleased the other looked by now; totally passive, lips barely moving against his, tongue lazily responding to his touches. Jonghyun’s orgasm approached silently, a low stretched moan leaving his lips, his forehead pulled into a deep frown. Kibum could feel the spasming of the other’s body beneath him and sensed the warm liquid that dribbled down his hand and fell onto the other’s stomach, the other’s movements getting static before they halted completely.

Kibum watched the other quietly, saw how sweaty Jonghyun’s forehead was and how swollen his lips looked from kissing. He looked exhausted and tired, but there was a hint of a smile framing his mouth. A smile that made him grin, too. This was different than the porn movies he had seen. It hadn’t been acted nor had it been anywhere near kinky. To Kibum it had felt more like a show of affection between them, a moment for only the two of them, a memory they could share and cherish.

“Thank you.”

Kibum smiled and brushed away some strands of hair out of Jonghyun’s face before he leaned over to his nightstand to get some tissues.

“Here,” he said and gave some of the thin, white and soft squares to Jonghyun who started to clean himself up while Kibum did the same with his hand.

“I’m so tired now,” Jonghyun chuckled quietly and crumpled the tissues before he threw them gracefully into the bin near Kibum’s desk. Kibum tried to do the same but failed, the tissue falling next to the bin onto the ground. He pouted before he got up and picked the tissue up again, throwing it into the bin a second time.

“We could take a nap,” Kibum suggested, watching the other pulling up his underwear and sweatpants again.

“Are you serious?” Jonghyun asked when Kibum joined him on the bed again, the younger humming in response.

“Sure.”

“But we only have some hours left before I need to go home.”

Kibum shrugged. It didn’t really matter how they spend their time together…awake…or asleep…he didn’t mind as long as Jonghyun was with him.

“I don’t mind. Move a bit and we can cuddle under the blanket,” he suggested then, spreading the blanket above both their bodies when Jonghyun had moved to the side.

Kibum lay on his side, the older closely pressed against his back, arms securely placed around his stomach. He felt so safe and loved when Jonghyun drew small circles on his stomach, the other’s breath ghosting over his neck.

“I’ll call you every day, ‘kay?” Jonghyun whispered and Kibum could hear in his voice that he was already drifting into sleep.

“Mmh,” he simply answered, closing his eyes to drown in the older one’s warm embrace. He could really make the other fall asleep in his bed.

***

The ringtone of Jonghyun’s mobile phone woke them up several hours later and both started from their sleep totally lost between reality and dream.

“What the…,” Jonghyun mumbled drowsily and stumbled out of his bed, crawling to his schoolbag to look for his mobile phone.

“Yah?”

Kibum could only hear Jonghyun’s part of the phone call, but he assumed that it was Jonghyun’s mum on the other line, because Jonghyun used the word ‘mum’ more than once to address the caller. The conversation only went on for two minutes before Jonghyun ended the call with a sigh.

“I need to go.”

Kibum had been scared to hear that sentence all day and even though he had tried to be prepared for it he felt lousy all of a sudden again.

“Already?”

“Yeah. Look, it’s already dark outside. I promised my mum to be at home at seven and now it’s already eight. I wanted to help my parents pack.” Jonghyun rubbed his eyes sleepily, moving over to the edge of Kibum’s bed, leaning his chin onto the mattress.

“So, this is goodbye I guess, huh?” Kibum muttered then, looking down at the older, one hand reaching out to smoothen the other’s tousled bed hair.

“I guess,” Jonghyun answered silently, pulling a disapproving face.

“What happens when I chain you to my bed?”

Jonghyun’s eyes widened for a second before he started to laugh.

“Well, I didn’t know you have shackles, how kinky,” he wriggled his eyebrows and earned a soft clap from the other for his comment.

“Ouch!”

“You deserved it,” Kibum wrinkled his nose, but couldn’t suppress the smile that crept up his face when Jonghyun pouted like a small child.

“I’ll miss you, Kibum,” Jonghyun then said all of a sudden and it sounded so sincere that it made Kibum’s heartbreak. He didn’t want to let him go. The option to chain the other to his bed didn’t sound too bad, right? It was better than letting him go to fucking Ulsan.

“Don’t make it any harder for me,” Kibum sighed, his fingers wandering over Jonghyun’s cheek.

“Sorry.”

They didn’t say much afterwards, Kibum watching the other changing back into his still slightly damp school uniform.

“Your mum is still not at home?” Jonghyun noticed when they went over to the entrance, the apartment being completely silent around them.

“She won’t be home before ten.”

“Your poor mum,” Jonghyun responded and tried to put on his shoes again.

“It’s only once a month. So it’s okay I guess.”

“Damn, they are still completely soaked,” Jonghyun whined when he finally made it into one shoe, Kibum silently pitying him.

“Take some of mine then.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll survive somehow. Thanks.”

The older sent Kibum a small smile before he concentrated on putting the other shoe on his foot again.

“Okay, then I’ll see you again next week,” Jonghyun announced and shouldered his guitar bag a minute later.

“Yeah, send me a message when you’re home, right?”

“Sure.”

Kibum didn’t want to let go of Jonghyun when they hugged a little later. He clawed his fingertips almost desperately into the damp fabric of the other’s school uniform and buried his face into the crook of the other’s neck. He didn’t want to stay home alone for a week without seeing the other at all. A week off from school and he couldn’t even enjoy it. Life was so unfair.

“Take care of yourself, ‘kay?” Kibum heard the other whisper softly into his ear before he was covered by many small kisses on his face.

He didn’t want to let him go.

He just didn’t want to let him go.

 

**Chapter 17**

 

“You’re going to do die, you filthy bastard. Say goodbye to the world, asshole!”

There was the sound of shots banging through the speakers of Kibum’s computer followed by screams of pain and agony. The high schooler sat on his bed wrapped up in a fluffy blanket and leaned against the wall behind him with a bag of sour, colorful worms in his hands, staring blankly at his computer screen, not really knowing what was going on in front of him. His thoughts had already drifted into no-man’s-land after the first few minutes of the mafia film. He couldn’t even remember why he had chosen to watch it in the first place. Probably because Romeo and Juliet hadn’t quite fit his current mood.

“Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me…Happy birthday, dear pathetic loser, happy birthday to me,” he sang silently to himself, grabbed another handful of worms and stuffed them carelessly into his mouth, liking the sour taste the fruit gum left on his tongue. There he was on his seventeenth birthday, hanging around in his room all alone, watching a Japanese gangster movie. Seriously, life really had to hate him.

Everything had been fine when Jonghyun had called him last night to talk with him about how both had spent their day. Kibum had smiled throughout the whole conversation because hearing the other’s voice had made him feel at ease, but when Jonghyun had hung up the phone an hour later Kibum somehow had felt lost and alone all of a sudden and this feeling hadn’t left him ever since. Jinki had sent him a message after midnight to wish him a nice birthday and several other people who he hadn’t even expected to congratulate him. His mum had come in, holding a little cream cake decorated with strawberries in the morning, singing him a happy birthday and wishing him that all the best for his new year of age.

But Kibum had only smiled weakly at her because his only wish would have been to celebrate his birthday with Jonghyun who was on the other side of South Korea and didn’t even know of his birthday. Not even the new clothes and painting utensils he had received as gifts had lifted up his mood and so he had excused himself to his room after refusing to eat a piece of his birthday cake and sat on his bed ever since, the shutters pulled down, the screen of his computer being the only source of light left in his self-built fortress of solitude.

He hadn’t imagined it to be this hard. He had been aware of the fact that he would miss Jonghyun …but this much? Kibum knew that Jonghyun wouldn’t be happy if he found out how Kibum had spent the day so he had already thought out an imaginary story he could tell the older one later on if he asked him about his day. He didn’t want to give Jonghyun a guilty conscience since it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault that Kibum was so madly in love with him that this separation broke his heart every time he thought of the other. There were still four long days to go and if he continued to be like that he would probably drown in this pool of gloomy thoughts. The past few days he had mostly spent with staring at watches and clocks, hoping for the watch hands to move faster, but they never did. It felt more like they mocked him, by moving slower and slower every time he looked at them.

With a sigh he lay down on his bed and pulled the blanket over his head, ignoring the swearing and gunshots coming from his computer speakers. What a fucked up birthday. What a fucked up life. He pressed his face into his pillow, screaming, hands clenching into fists and hitting the mattress beneath him. He tried not to cry because tears were so useless, but it was hard and more than once he had to stifle a whimper and snuffle his nose. When did he get so immensely sensitive? Did love make one weak or was it just puberty?

He fell asleep sometime later, missing the end of the movie and how his computer went into standby mode, dipping the room into a pitch-black color. Kibum slept restlessly, turning from one side to the other, sheets rustling around him, monsters haunting his dreams. It was one of those vivid dreams that felt scarily real and at one point he was pushed over a cliff and fell, the feeling of weightlessness causing him to start from his sleep, the blanket falling from his face to reveal nothing but darkness. He felt his heart beat frantically in his chest, little drops of sweat glistening on his forehead. It took a second for him to realize that this had been nothing but a dream and that he hadn’t been pushed over a cliff in Nevada, because he had gambled away his mother’s property, but was still in his bed in Seoul. He pushed back some sweaty strands of hair before he slowly reached out his hands to find his bedside lamp in the dark.

Kibum blinked his eyes when he finally found it, the room lightening up in a warm orange glow. He rubbed his eyes with a groan, pulling a face when he realized that it was still his birthday and that only two hours had passed. He got up to start his computer anew and noticed a parcel on his desk, plain but neatly wrapped up in brown paper. He frowned. How did it get here? Did his mom place it in his room while he was asleep?

Carefully he picked it up and was surprised at how light it was. Curiously he looked for an addressor, but there was none. There was only his address tidily written down with a thick marker. A thoughtful sound left his mouth. He hadn’t participated in any kind of contest nor could he think of a person who would send him a parcel. He shook it carefully in his hands, but couldn’t make out a single sound. Cautiously he started to unpack the package, finding lots of brown crumpled packing paper inside. He rummaged in the parcel until he found a second, smaller package. It was a regular brown shoebox and written on it was a simple _**‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’**_ in English, the dot above the ‘i’ having the shape of a slightly crooked heart. The frown on Kibum’s face only deepened and he opened the box only to find yet another smaller purple box. He huffed at the sight of a simply drawn smiley and expected to find another box inside the one in his hand, but to his surprise, he only found a simple pink envelope in it. He turned it around and found the sentence ‘I thought you would like pink’ written in a very scrawly handwriting on it. It took him a moment before the realization hit him that this strange parcel could only come from the one person he had wished to be with at this very moment.

He hastily opened the envelope with his fingers then, a short shriek leaving his lips when he pulled out a Polaroid, a letter, and a CD. The picture showed Jonghyun holding up a paper with ‘ _Happy Birthday Kibumie <3_’ on it. The smile that climbed up Kibum’s face was so bright that it most probably could have light up Seoul at night during a blackout.

How did he know? Kibum couldn’t really take off his eyes of the picture, smiling at it like the love-struck teenager he was. It was a simple Polaroid, but it still meant the world to him in this very second. When he finally managed to stop staring holes into the photograph he unfolded the letter, discovering Jonghyun’s scrappy handwriting on it.

_“Hey, Kibum-ah,_

_Surprise, surprise… It’s me ( ^_______^ ) *waves*_  
_I’m sure you’re wondering how I know that it’s your birthday today, right? Well, let me say a little chicken whistled it into my ear._

_I hope you got the parcel on the correct date otherwise this will be kinda awkward (ㅎㅅㅎ) But I hope the post office really sent it via express and this reached you on time. ( ^__^ )_

_I’m not good at writing long letters so I have nothing left to say except for_

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY!_

_I’m a little disappointed, though. Why didn’t you tell me that it’s your birthday this week? Mine is on April 8th, just so you know for future references, ‘kay!? （￣ー￣）_

_I really don’t know what to say. I’m so bad at this. My grandma and my mum are preparing dinner right now and it smells soooo good. Haha ( ^_^”)_

_My parents want to stay another day at my grandparents’ place, so we will only drive back on Sunday, but I hope I can visit you before school starts again, because I really do miss you…a lot. It’s kinda boring here and I spend most of the time with working on compositions or listening to music of our neighbor’s pubescent daughter through the opened window. I think she has a thing for Japanese pop music because all I hear is ‘Aishteruuuuuuuuuu’ underlined by pop rhythms and such all day. This can be straining, believe me. This is a good time to pity me a bit! Haha_  
_Anyway, my grandma has this really old piano standing in the living room and I always play for everyone in the evening. Sappy, isn’t it?_  
_The neighbor’s girl should come around one time I guess so she can hear ‘real’ music and not that boy band crap for once. Seriously, have you seen all those boy bands appearing out of nowhere on TV lately? It’s almost creepy. No talent just neatly styled babyfaces. (@_@)_

 _I ran out of thoughts. Embarrassing…my head is like the black hole…it consists of nothingness. Bzzzzzzz………_  
_Okay…so I wish you a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, supadupaaaa birthday. Take care, ‘kay? (#^_^#)_

 _In Love, (that does sound sappy, too… somehow)_  
_Jjong <3_

 _PS. If you’re missing presents. Postage would have been too expensive (poor student talking here_  
_m(_ _)m )…so you’ll get those later_  
_But here look…I’ve drawn something for you_

 

There was a single tear rolling down Kibum’s cheek, trickling into the tiny gap between his smiling lips.

“Idiot,” he muttered to himself, his fingers tracing the lines of the funny looking comic cat beneath Jonghyun’s letter before they went up to his cheek, sweeping away the little traces of water. He had never expected Jonghyun to know his birthday and yet he had sent him something this endearing. It was scary how easy it was for the other to lift up his mood with a simple letter. With a soft smile, he focused back on the Polaroid, almost forgetting the CD that was still lying in his lap over it. When Kibum finally noticed his carelessness, he carefully placed the letter and the Polaroid on his desk and swiftly put the CD into the CD-drive of his computer, listening to the active rumbling of the computer tower that followed until a new window popped up on his computer screen. He curiously opened the file that was titled ‘For Kibum’ and leaned back in his chair when a video opened. His heart instantly skipped a beat when he saw Jonghyun appearing on his computer screen, silently waving at him. Kibum assumed that Jonghyun was standing in the living room of his grandparents’ place because an old-fashioned couch and a dark brown coffee table were visible in the background.

“Everyone is out for a walk right now, so I thought I should take the chance and tell you also ‘Happy birthday’ this way.” Jonghyun’s smile was so bright that it automatically made Kibum smile, too. How did he deserve someone like Jonghyun? It was a question he asked himself several times a day and he still hadn’t found an answer to it. Maybe it was the gods’ way of apologizing for his miserable life at his previous school?

“I composed something for you. It actually took me two weeks until I was remotely satisfied with this composition, but since it’s your birthday I wanted to share it with you. I hope you aren’t bored of me yet for always playing piano for you.”

Jonghyun laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of his head a little embarrassed. How could he get ever bored of it? Kibum watched how Jonghyun lifted the camera with his hands and walked around with it in the living room until he placed it in a way that a piano was visible, which Jonghyun had mentioned in his letter. He saw him sitting down on a little stool in front of it, stretching his fingers before placing them silently on the keys.

“I’m a little nervous,” he chuckled and looked at the camera, seemingly more focused now. It always fascinated Kibum how Jonghyun went from his bubbly normal self to someone who was deeply concentrated as soon as he played the piano. Jonghyun already had Kibum’s full attention after the[ first few notes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3X7uyFn7Gh4)he played, making the younger one’s senses tingle. Kibum was quite sure that Jonghyun would become a great composer one day since at only 18 he already touched people’s hearts with his melodic compositions.

After the melody faded Jonghyun slowly looked up again, a tiny smile appearing on his lips. “I hope you liked it,” he said and then grabbed for a sheet of paper that lay on top of the piano all of a sudden. He casually held it up without saying anything and before Kibum even had the chance to grasp the meaning of the words written on it the video ended.

‘I love you’

The words echoed in his head like a prayer. Without even understanding what he was doing, Kibum pressed the play button again and skipped forward to the last scene of the video, pausing it the second Jonghyun held up the piece of paper.

‘I love you’

There it was, written down in clear big letters. There was no misunderstanding. Jonghyun had just confessed his love to him. Kibum felt like crying and laughing at the same time, his whole body tingling and his heart racing in his chest. He read the letters over and over again in fear that they might disappear any second. He just couldn’t believe it. It was the first time in his life that someone had confessed to him. The first time someone not just liked him but also actually loved him. Even though Jonghyun hadn’t said the words out loud yet, Kibum couldn’t be any happier.

“I love you, too,” he answered the image on the screen before he grabbed his mobile phone and called ‘Mr. Kink’. He sat down on his bed with a wildly pumping heart while he listened impatiently to the beeping sound of his phone.

“Moshi Moshi,” Jonghyun answered the call in Japanese a few seconds later, sending an even brighter smile on Kibum’s face.

“Listened to too much Japanese music, huh?” he responded and bit his lip playfully when he heard Jonghyun laugh on the other line of the phone.

“It’s awful. I’m sure I will turn into a Japanese boy band member before long if this continues. But enough of me…I guess you received the parcel, huh?”

“Yeah…and I don’t know what to say,” Kibum mumbled and propped one leg up on his mattress, resting his chin on it, the fingers of his free hand playing with his toes.

“How about a ‘Thank You’. I heard it’s a quite common expression to show gratitude all over the world,” Jonghyun quipped on the other line, his voice sounding a little tinny through the telephone speaker.

“Thank you,” Kibum answered a little hushed.

“Did you like it?”

“What exactly? Your letter, the Polaroid, the song or that you wrote ‘I love you’ on a piece of paper?” Kibum asked curiously, nibbling on his lower lip while looking over to his computer screen that still showed the paused video sequence that had made Kibum’s heart jump in excitement. He heard laughter coming from the other side of the connection before Jonghyun fell silent again.

“Well…everything you’ve mentioned.”

Kibum hesitated for a second, nibbling a little harder on his lip.

“Were you serious? I mean with what you wrote on that paper?”

“Of course I was serious…and still am for that matter. I really do love you, Kim Kibum.”

There it was again. He had said it. He actually had said it. He couldn’t really believe it. It felt so unreal. Kibum pinched himself to make sure that he wasn’t dreaming, but the short pain that went from his hand right to his nerve system wasn’t able to stop the endorphins from rushing through his body, making him feel like the happiest person on this planet. For years he had feared he wouldn’t ever hear those words from someone. For years he had feared that he wouldn’t be able to ever make someone fall in love with him.

“Please say it again,” he heard himself say without even wanting to, causing Jonghyun to chuckle lowly.

“I love you.”

Kibum closed his eyes and savored those words. They felt like a cure for the little boy inside of him who had always felt out of place and who had never belonged anywhere until now. Somehow he felt at ease now and an unknown feeling spread slowly through his body. A feeling of inner peace. How weird it might sound, but for someone who had felt like an outsider all his life, those tiny little words felt like magic.

“I love you, too,” he stammered silently, wanting to say so much more, but his tongue failed him. Never before had he wished for Jonghyun to be at his side so badly like right now. He wanted to see him and tell him straight to his face how much he loved and needed him. How thankful he was for his mere existence.

***

It was two days later that Kibum decided to meet up with Jinki for some chicken wings at KFC. Since the days without Jonghyun were pure torture he had to distract himself from constantly thinking about the other one. Therefore it seemed only logical for him to ask Jinki out. He was the only close friend - next to Jonghyun - he had after all. Kibum often imagined how his life would be if he wasn’t the person he was. How his life would be if he was the captain of the basketball team or if he dated a girl. Would life be easier if he lived it like everyone else expected him to? Would he have more friends? But what would he do with friends who didn’t accept him the way he was? Wasn’t it even harder to live a life in which you had to pretend to be someone you weren’t just to be accepted by others? Wasn’t it better to have only one true friend if this friend liked you for being yourself?

“He really told you he loved you? Wow…that’s something big.” Jinki was happily munching on a chicken bone, his hands already greasy from the fat. They had sat down in a corner of the fast food store; Jinki with an XXL box full of chicken drumsticks and Kibum with soft drinks for them and a box with fries. He wasn’t the biggest fan of chicken.

“Yay…it is,” Kibum answered thoughtfully, dipping a fry into tomato ketchup before stuffing it into his mouth. It was good to talk to Jinki alone again. Even though he always felt like he was using Jinki for rambling about Jonghyun.

“So…you know what comes after saying ‘I love you’ to each other, right?” Jinki asked, placing a finished chicken bone on a napkin next to him. Kibum looked up at him and shrugged his shoulders in confusion.

“What is there to come? A House? A Dog? Children?” Kibum questioned into the blue, making Jinki chuckle.

“Ah come on, don’t be so naïve. Statistically…saying ‘I love you’ is the best way to get into someone’s pants, if you know what I mean.” Jinki wiggled his eyebrows, which caused Kibum to look a little astonished. He hadn’t thought about that.

“Really? Where did you read that?”

“The Internet.” Jinki shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, fetching another chicken drumstick out of the box. Simultaneously Kibum dipped another fry into the puddle of tomato ketchup in front of him before he halted in his action.

“So you think Jonghyun wants to have sex with me?” Kibum’s voice was almost a whisper. You couldn’t ever be sure who followed your conversation at such a place.

“Well, wouldn’t it be weird if he didn’t want to have sex with you? I mean…you are dating for how long now? It seems like ages already.”

Kibum thought about what Jinki had said for a minute, turning the words around in his head. He knew that Jinki was right and he also knew that sex was something essential in most relationships, especially if they involved hormone-driven teenagers. But Kibum’s shyness made it hard to bring their relationship to the next level. Kibum hummed in agreement before he bit off a piece of fry.

“How far did the two of you go until now?” Jinki asked bluntly all of a sudden, making Kibum choke on his fry. He immediately blushed and took a big gulp of his coke light.

“Sorry, was that too direct?” Jinki intervened.

“No, no…it’s okay. I was just surprised,” Kibum answered after he regained his posture, and placed his soft drink back onto the table.

“I mean Jonghyun is far more straightforward than I am and if it was for him we would probably have had sex already, but you know what an awkward turtle I am around him. There is so much stuff going on in my head, but I’m somehow not able to act on it. I hold myself back and by now I don’t even understand why. I mean, in the beginning, I was hesitant, because I didn’t know if Jonghyun actually liked me, but by now it should be different, right? I should be different. I love him so much and I want to be with him all the time. I want to feel his body and kiss him all over and suck…”

“Stop, stop, stop,” Jinki raised his hands in defense. “Too much information. I already got the picture,” he added, making Kibum feel a little embarrassed.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…it’s far easier to talk to you about it than with Jonghyun. Why? I don’t get myself sometimes,” Kibum huffed, pulling his hair with both hands. He really didn’t understand it.

“That’s easy to answer. You still place Jonghyun on some kind of pedestal. Even though you know the real Jonghyun by now, you still think of him as the perfect human being you watched in the music room back then,” Jinki explained casually.

“He IS the perfect human being,” Kibum answered with a pout and rested his head in one hand.

“No, he’s not.” Jinki shook his head, pointing with a chicken drumstick towards Kibum. “There is no perfect human being. The psychologist in me tells me that Jonghyun is only perfect in your eyes because he is the first person in your life who has accepted you for who you are and loves you for that. I don’t want to put Jonghyun into a bad light, don’t get me wrong here. He’s a great guy, there’s no discussion about that, but he’s like you and I…not perfect. There’s not something like perfection in humans. We fight and betray, are jealous and greedy, some more than others, but none of us is perfect. I think if you lower the pedestal on which you’ve placed Jonghyun you will feel equal to him, which in conclusion will lead to you being able to talk and act more freely around him” Jinki elaborated further. Again Kibum was surprised at how well Jinki was with words. How to the point he was with everything he said. He even made Kibum’s confusing train of thought appear reasonable.

“So…what you want to say is that I should see Jonghyun as a person with flaws and not like some angel sent from heaven?”

“Yep, that’s basically it.” Jinki nodded, pulling at the skin of the chicken drumstick

“That will be hard.”

“But it will be worth it and I’m sure Jonghyun will also feel better if you stop acting so shy around him all the time. I mean I always thought only girls are so shy around guys. Man up, Kibum!”

That statement made Kibum chuckle and he sat up straight, saluting in front of Jinki. “Yes sir,” he answered earnestly, both boys starting to laugh loudly a second later. It was good to have someone like Jinki in his life. Someone who acted mature if he had to but was after all a teenager just like Kibum himself was.

When Kibum and Jinki were done with having lunch at KFC they strolled around the streets, talking about stuff that for once didn’t have anything to do with Jonghyun. They talked about teachers and upcoming assignments, tattled about other classmates and while doing so Kibum also tried to find out if there really wasn’t anyone in Jinki’s life who caught the boy’s interest.

“Oh come on, Jinki. There has to be someone. Anyone,” Kibum pushed, giving Jinki a little nudge into the side.

“Nope. Honestly, there is no one. No girl…and no boy,” Jinki said, kidding, hiding his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“That’s so sad. I mean…we are teenagers. We are supposed to fall in love. It’s in our genetics.”

“That’s not completely accurate. Mating is in our genetics. Falling in love is just a side effect. In my opinion, it was an invention by poets. Writing about something like love all the time made the people in medieval times probably believe that they have to fall in love.”

“Ah, you are so unromantic,” Kibum sighed, finally giving up on exploring Jinki’s interest in relationships. Maybe he just had to deal with the fact that not everyone’s world was filled with thoughts about someone special like his was.

“Not unromantic, just realistic.”

***

No matter what Kibum did the time wouldn’t pass, his birthday was already long in the past and due to his lousy mood, he hadn’t even finished one piece of his birthday cake. What a horrible birthday, no Jonghyun and no cake. On top of that Friday and Saturday had droned on like an eternity and Kibum hadn’t really known what to do with himself. At first he had tried to spend the time sleeping because in his dreams he was with Jonghyun again, but unfortunately, he had been so well rested that he simply hadn’t been able to fall asleep after sleeping for 12 hours straight on Thursday. For days Kibum hadn’t turned off his computer, rushing over to his desk every time he heard a ‘knock knock’ sound coming from his computer speakers, which signalized that someone had come online. The disappointment he felt whenever the person turned out not to be Jonghyun was always immense. Somehow he already felt like a crazy person who was not aware of time and space anymore. He was just missing some cats to round out the overall picture. Wasn’t it fascinating how people could fall into a deep hole of nothingness if they were pulled away from something that gave their life a meaning? Even though it was just a week it felt like 10 years to Kibum.

In his head, he had already made plans on how to greet Jonghyun when they saw each other again. Had tried to imagine how different he would act around the older one from now on. He knew that it wouldn’t be easy to overcome his shyness and he knew that on his way to success he had to overcome a lot of obstacles and face fallbacks, but he was positive that it was all worth it.

In the end, it was Sunday that topped his top 7 list as his personal worst day without Jonghyun. He hadn’t heard from Jonghyun all day, except for a short text message, which had told him that Jonghyun would be late at home tonight and therefore wouldn’t be able to come and visit him after all. All Saturday he had looked forward to talking with Jonghyun on Sunday but now even this little happiness was taken away from him. Now he couldn’t do anything but wait for Monday to come. Just a few more hours he thought to himself. Just a few more hours and he could finally see the other again. A spark of excitement rushed through his body and for a second his usual smile settled down on his lips, but all too soon he remembered that it was only 4 in the afternoon and the smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

Kibum found a lousy distraction in doing his homework, which he had put off for as long as possible. He couldn’t really concentrate; his eyes constantly wandering over to the Polaroid Jonghyun had sent him.

“I miss you,” he mumbled to himself and reached for the photograph to take a closer look. He wanted to touch Jonghyun’s hair again and bury his nose in his shirt so he could take it all in. He missed that typical candy store scent that always seemed to surround Jonghyun. With a deep sigh, he put the photo down again, dedicating himself halfheartedly to his biology homework.

After having dinner with his mum, Kibum went straight back to his bedroom. He wasn’t up for company, preferring the solitude of his self-created island for the time being. Tomorrow he would go back to his normal self again, but for today he wanted to dwell in his gloominess and ponder over the downsides of his youth. Puberty at its best he thought to himself, watching the sun go down in front of his window. How many sunsets would he be able to see throughout his life? Wasn’t life too short to be gloomy?

For a moment the street and houses in front of his window were tinted in bright pink before they gradually turned darker until everything appeared to be completely black. He wondered if Jonghyun and his family were already on their way home so he sent him a text message, wishing him a safe trip.

Kibum was lazily lying in his bed, watching a documentary about China’s history in English on Youtube when he heard the doorbell ring. He perked one eyebrow, his eyes automatically wandering over to his clock. It was already past 9 pm, who could his mum expect at this time of the day? Did she have a date? On closer examination, it seemed pretty unlikely to him that his mum had a date, so his concentration went back to the television again without wasting any more time about the love life of his mum.

He curiously followed the camera through the army of terracotta soldiers, which had been built as protection for the first emperor of China and all he could think of were the costs of this mammoth project, being totally startled when he heard a knock on his door.

“Come in. Is everything okay, mum? Who was at the door?” Kibum asked without even looking up, one of his hands lazily rubbing his eyes. He was slowly getting tired it seemed.

“A surprise!” came from the direction of the door and Kibum’s sleepy eyes widened to the size of Ping-Pong balls in an instant.

“You are back!” was the only thing that Kibum’s mind was able to comprehend.

“Tadaa…” with raised arms Jonghyun stood in the doorframe to Kibum’s room, wearing his usual boyish grin, his dark hair a bit tousled from the long car ride. Kibum didn’t trust his eyes. Was this the final stage of his depression… hallucinations?

When Kibum didn’t move Jonghyun’s arms sank down in disappointment and the black sports bag he was carrying fell to the ground with a dull sound.

“I thought I would see a little more excitement,” Jonghyun pouted, stepping into the room to close the door behind him.

It really was him.

As if a bee had stung him Kibum jumped abruptly from his bed, ran over to Jonghyun and threw himself into the arms of the other like his life depended on it.

“I missed you. I missed you so much,” he mumbled over and over again, burying his head into the other’s nape, firmly closing his eyes. Candy, gasoline, sweat, kimchi, and sand…so many scents were mixing together in Kibum’s nose. It was overwhelming. The life of a teenager was indeed like a roller coaster ride. In one second you could be deeply depressed and in the next, you could be excessively enthusiastic.

“I missed you...”

Kibum felt how Jonghyun’s hands wandered to his face, his fingertips stroking it gently. “I missed you, too…very much,” he heard the older one whisper lowly before he felt the other’s lips softly pressing onto his. The feeling was intense. It was just the mere touch of lips, but Kibum’s heart rate increased in an instant. How much he had missed him. Kibum leaned into the kiss, fingers clinging to Jonghyun’s T-shirt.

“I missed you…” he repeated against the other’s lips, intensifying the kiss. He felt like being a part of a really cheap drama production in which long-lost lovers met each other again after a very long time. It was just too perfect to be real, feeling Jonghyun again, being able to touch and kiss him. When his lips parted to greet the other’s tongue he felt a twitching in his stomach, goosebumps forming on his arms. It was a slow kiss, slow but longingly. No further words were exchanged, but Jonghyun’s whole body language told Kibum all he had to know.

Jonghyun had really missed him as well.

When they finally parted, Kibum licked his lips to keep the other’s flavor on his tongue. Jonghyun smiled at him fondly, stroking his nape with his fingertips before losing his hold on him.

“I’m sorry that I showed up at this hour, but I just couldn’t wait until tomorrow to see you. Your mum seemed to be a little startled, though,” Jonghyun explained sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. The younger one smiled at that, not able to take his eyes off of Jonghyun. He was too afraid that he might be gone the second he looked at something else.

“My mum will get over it. I’m just glad you are here,” Kibum answered and reached out for the other’s hand, intertwining their fingers. He just needed to feel him. Jonghyun looked down at their fingers with a grin, guiding their hands upwards and placing a small peck on the back of Kibum’s hand.

“I was bored all week and gained at least 3 kilos from my grandma’s cooking.” Jonghyun puffed up his cheeks so he looked like a hamster, making Kibum laugh. “It’s good to be back,” the older one added then, reaching out for his bag on the floor. Kibum silently watched how the other lifted the bag and went over to his bed with it, dumping it there with a muffled sound.

“Presents,” Jonghyun announced excitedly and opened the zipper of his bag, pulling out a white plastic bag. Kibum was curious. Ever since he had read Jonghyun’s letter he had secretly wondered what kind of gift the other had bought him. They hadn’t known each other for that long yet and he wasn’t sure what kind of person Jonghyun was when it came to presents. To Kibum the selection of a present told a lot about the giver. Uncreative people always gave vouchers and money as presents, because they simply didn’t care but felt obliged to give a present. Then there was the group of people that always specifically asked for instructions on what to buy. They stood above the voucher person because at least their intentions were good. However, the last group of people were the ones who tried to find something that the person didn’t necessarily need, but something that was meaningful to them.

“Let’s sit down,” Jonghyun suggested and made himself comfortable on Kibum’s bed, placing his sports bag on his knees. Kibum followed with a nod, scrambling over to Jonghyun’s side.

“Why are you so silent?” the older one tilted his head a little, curiously looking over at Kibum.

“I’m…I…it’s just so nice that you are back…that I don’t really know what to say. I’m just happy,” he answered honestly, blushing a little when Jonghyun’s typical charming smile appeared. Don’t put him up on a pedestal, Kibum told himself over and over again, not sure if this mantra really worked. Jonghyun was just so handsome, even now while wearing jogging pants and an old, wrinkly washed out blue T-shirt. He just had an air around him that Kibum magically felt attracted to. He wondered if this feeling of dancing on cloud nine whenever he saw Jonghyun would ever disappear.

“It’s nothing special, but when I saw it at the market I thought about us and had to get it,” Jonghyun explained casually while opening the plastic bag in front of him, peeking inside to make out the location of the item he was looking for. When he found it he pulled it out and a tiny green paper bag appeared in front of Kibum’s eyes.

“Give me your hand and close your eyes for a second,” the older one requested, causing Kibum to arch his eyebrows. What was he up to? Without questioning Jonghyun’s intentions any further Kibum obeyed since he was still too stunned by the fact that the older one was actually in his room right now. He reached out his hand and closed his eyes when Jonghyun got hold of his right arm. All Kibum heard was a little rustling sound before he felt something being tied around his wrist. He tilted his head in confusion. Was that a bracelet?

“Okay…I’m done. You can open your eyes again.”

Kibum looked down at his wrist immediately, a bracelet made out of three thin brown leather strings catching his attention. Only at second glance, he noticed the little silver key that served as a connecting piece between the leather strings, his mouth automatically opening to ask a question when Jonghyun got ahead of him.

“It matches mine,” Jonghyun smiled, showing Kibum his left arm that showcased the exact same bracelet. The only difference was the little charm that decorated the bracelet. Instead of a key Jonghyun’s bracelet had a lock attached to it.

“It’s a little kitschy, I know…but it shows that we belong together.”

Had he the key to Jonghyun’s heart?

“It’s beautiful,” Kibum uttered lowly, twisting his wrist from one side to the other to get a better look at the bracelet. It was the cutest thing anyone had ever given him. “Thank you,” he mumbled and looked up at Jonghyun with a smile.

“I’m glad you like it.”

Next up Jonghyun turned his back towards Kibum, trying to cover the sports bag in his lap while pulling something out. “You need to close your eyes again,” he said over his shoulder, making Kibum curious yet again. Jonghyun seemed to enjoy surprising other people.

“Okay, they are closed,” the younger one announced, sensing Jonghyun’s presence near him. It was cute to see how excited Jonghyun could get about something that didn’t have anything to do with music.

“Open them.”

When Kibum opened his eyes again he looked straight into the face of a huge, fat kitten plushie. A little startled he shrank back at first but then started to laugh out loud, holding a hand in front of his mouth.

“Oh my god, it’s adorable,” he beamed with delight, taking the plushie into both hands. Jonghyun had really remembered his love for cats.

“It’s so cute,” Kibum announced, stroking the soft fur with his hands. The cat had white fur with a few black stripes on the back, minimalist facial features, legs and ears, which were way too small for the size of its body. But everything combined made the unproportional plushie completely endearing.

Without giving it a second thought Kibum leaned forward to Jonghyun, giving him a ‘Thank you’ kiss. However, when Kibum tried to pull away again Jonghyun wouldn’t let him. Both of Jonghyun’s hands closed around the other’s neck and pulled him closer. Kibum had to let go of the cat in his arms as to not lose his balance when Jonghyun sank back onto his mattress, dragging him down with him. Kibum parted his lips for Jonghyun’s tongue, not realizing the new position he was in at first. Only when the older one’s legs closed around his hips did he notice that something was different.

He was the one on top.

His arms trembled from keeping himself steady above Jonghyun and he wasn’t really sure what to do in this position, feeling how he was pulled out of his comfort zone again.

“That feels weird,” he mumbled breathlessly against Jonghyun’s mouth, hair falling into his face. Jonghyun seemed to have understood his comment without any further explanation because a tiny smirk graced his wet lips.

“I like it. It feels nice to feel your weight on me for once,” he replied, kissing the corners of Kibum’s mouth, trying to draw the other’s attention back towards him.

“Just relax,” Jonghyun added, his hands wandering down Kibum’s back. The younger nodded and tried to concentrate on the feeling of kissing Jonghyun again. There wouldn’t be any kind of pedestals anymore, not now and not in future, Kibum told himself, sighing softly when Jonghyun started to nibble on the soft skin of his neck, planting several kisses on this sensitive spot.

With every kiss the tension in his body lessened, his body starting to act on its own, responding to the other’s pleasant touches. He felt how Jonghyun’s fingers slid under his T-shirt, warm fingers wandering down his spine. Kibum shivered and lowered himself down onto his elbows, reducing the distance between them. His hormones celebrated Brazilian carnival in his body and all he could think of was the other’s body and how much he had missed it to be this close.

Their kisses deepened and he blushed when he felt himself hardening, trying almost desperately to lift his pelvis a little so Jonghyun wouldn’t notice, but the older one just pulled him closer again, not giving him a chance to make some space. He let out a small reluctant groan, but only got a smirk in response. He knew Jonghyun could feel him and it made him even more embarrassed.

“It’s okay. Stop thinking,” Jonghyun whispered and to Kibum it almost sounded sultry. There was something in the other’s voice he hadn’t witnessed before, but it made his abdomen twitch without him having control over it. When he felt Jonghyun’s hands glide down to his butt he held his breath for a second, not sure how to react. In a flash Jinki’s words came back to his mind. ‘Well, wouldn’t it be weird if he didn’t want to have sex with you?’ Would it? Kibum looked up then, breaking their heated kissing, feeling a little out of breath.

“Jonghyun?” he asked carefully, gazing at the young man beneath him.

“Yeah?”

“I…..” Kibum wasn’t exactly sure how to state his question, so he pondered over it for a second, furrowing his brow. “Do you want to have sex with me?”

Maybe that was too forthright?

“Now?” Jonghyun’s eyes widened in surprise and Kibum felt him tense beneath him. The younger one’s cheeks reddened even more and he hastily shook his head.

“No…not now…I mean…. in general…one day,” he tried to take the edge off his previous question and sat up to give the other some room.

“Oh….” That was all Jonghyun answered, making Kibum raise an eyebrow. Oh? And Kibum had always thought that he was the only one who gave single word responses. He watched how Jonghyun followed his lead and sat up as well, his right hand fumbling with his hair.

“How should I put it,” he started after a moment, eyes fixed on Kibum’s sheets.

“I mean…I think about having sex with you all the time,” Jonghyun then admitted sheepishly, looking up at Kibum with innocent puppy eyes. His words and his face didn’t match at all. “I mean. Not all the time, but….often….very often,” he corrected himself, putting on a shy smile. Kibum was a little confused. Was Jonghyun actually embarrassed about something that had to do with sex for once? He wouldn’t have believed that he would ever witness this day.

“I’m really curious about you…about everything. I mean…I want to get to know every little quirk and mood of yours, but I also want to get to know your body. I want to feel every patch of your skin, I want to see how you move and how you sound…and…,” Jonghyun halted for a second, chewing his bottom lip. “I want to see you naked so badly. I mean we are guys, there shouldn’t be a problem about it being awkward, right?”

To Kibum it almost sounded like Jonghyun wanted to encourage himself. He didn’t really know how to respond. Jonghyun had basically expressed everything that Kibum thought about all the time. It was almost scary how similar their feelings for each other appeared to be.

“I mean….there is no need to rush. I don’t want to rush anything…really…but whenever I look at you I want to kiss you. And whenever I kiss you I want to have more…and more…and more…it was awful to be away from you, Kibum. I didn’t think it would be that bad, but I honestly missed you. Instead of one week, it felt like five years. I haven’t felt like that for quite some time now. All those feelings are just so overwhelming. I mean…there I was, always thinking that I would fall in love with a girl, marry her and raise a family with her, but now there is you. This beautiful, sweet guy that turned my world completely upside down.”

Kibum was stunned. He knew how uncomfortable Jonghyun was when it came to putting his feelings into words, so the younger was even more surprised by the other’s sudden declaration. Maybe this week apart had changed them both a little? In a way that had shown them how much they actually cared about one another and what an important part they already played in each other’s life.

“It’s weird,” Kibum said thoughtfully, picking up the plushie from the ground, which had fallen down from his bed during their heated interlude.

“Mmh?”

“It’s weird how similar our feelings are,” Kibum added, taking a closer look at the cat’s blank expression. “A few days ago I met up with Jinki and we talked about you and me.”

“Oh? What did you talk about?” Jonghyun curiously asked, inching closer to Kibum again, placing his head on the other’s shoulder.

“About me being all awkward whenever I’m around you,” Kibum answered absentmindedly, stroking the plushie’s fur. It somehow had a soothing effect on him.

“And what conclusion did you draw?”

Kibum paused in his actions and turned his head to look at Jonghyun’s face. He could drown in those puppy-like eyes. With a deep sigh, Kibum dropped his gaze again.

“Jinki assumes that I put you up on a pedestal…like the Holy Grail or something,” Kibum mumbled, too embarrassed to say those words any louder. He heard Jonghyun chuckle next to him and felt his cheeks warming up again. He shouldn’t have said it. Now that it was out in the open he already regretted saying it out loud.

“But you don’t…do you?”

Of course, he did, even though he tried not to. It was too hard to change something he was so accustomed to from one day to another.

“Maybe a little,” he admitted, feeling his face being pulled into Jonghyun’s direction by the other’s hands.

“You shouldn’t. I’m the last person that should be put up there. I mean just look at me. I’m smaller than average, my nose looks funny, my face is completely asymmetrical, I’m way too lanky, I prefer instruments over people…and just look at my tiny fingers,” he elucidated, moving his fingers frantically in front of Kibum’s face to prove his point. Kibum smiled and gently took Jonghyun’s fingers into his.

“Jjong, you are perfect the way you are,” he said honestly, squeezing the other’s fingers lightly.

“And so are you, Kibum. Shall I also put you on a pedestal? Then we can be there together,” Jonghyun proposed with a smile, leaning forward and brushing Kibum’s cheek with the tip of his nose.

“Please don’t, it’s enough when I’m awkward for us both,” the younger snickered lowly, eyes falling shut when he felt the other’s tongue playing with his left earlobe. “What are you doing?” Kibum stammered a little, enjoying the tingling sensation Jonghyun’s tongue left on his skin.

“I’m continuing our conversation from earlier,” Jonghyun joked and kissed a trail down Kibum’s neck, making the younger feel lightheaded. Without any objection Kibum let himself be pushed back down onto the mattress, feeling the other’s weight on him soon afterwards. How weird it might sound this was something he was more used to than being the one in charge.

“Kibum?”

When the younger one heard his name he looked up, watching Jonghyun hovering above him.

“Can we try something?”

Jonghyun’s eyes looked a little glazed, making Kibum wonder what the other was up to. He had told him he didn’t want to rush anything, right? Even though he wanted to feel Jonghyun with every fiber of his body, he knew that he wasn’t ready for it yet. Besides he didn’t want his first time to happen while his mother sat in the living room, watching TV.

“Don’t worry. It’s totally innocent,” Jonghyun smiled, probably noticing Kibum’s hesitation. With a wave of his hand, Jonghyun motioned the other to sit up with him and then pulled his T-shirt over his head. Kibum gulped, at first not daring to look at Jonghyun. By now he had seen the other’s naked chest several times already, but every single time he had to get used to the idea again that he was actually allowed to look at that body and touch it.

“Sit down on my lap.”

Jonghyun clapped his thighs, reaching his hands out to Kibum. “Please,” he added when Kibum didn’t move. A little uncertain Kibum scrambled over to Jonghyun, hesitantly climbing into the other’s lap, feeling quite uneasy in this position, because he had to look down at Jonghyun, whose lips were at a level with his collarbones.

“Thanks.” That was the only thing Jonghyun said before he grabbed the hem of Kibum’s T-shirt and pulled it up, making Kibum help him with taking it off completely. The younger didn’t really know what to do, feeling quite lost and naked. He shivered and wasn’t sure where to put his hands.

“I missed feeling your skin,” Jonghyun whispered, tracing a line down Kibum’s neck with his forefinger. He then wrapped his arms around the younger’s waist, pulling him so close that there wasn’t any space left between them. Kibum felt the other’s hands roaming his back while his nose nuzzled his neck. He closed his eyes, trying to get used to the position he was in, his hands wandering to Jonghyun’s hair, gliding through it. The older one’s hair felt so soft compared to his. Gentle kisses were placed on his collarbones and upper chest, his lower body automatically reacting to the sweet ministration. It felt so good to have Jonghyun back again. However, when Jonghyun’s hands went down to the curve of his butt again, Kibum’s muscles tensed.

“Why are you so tensed?” Jonghyun wondered, causing the younger to release a deep sigh.

“I don’t know,” he answered because he really didn’t know. It was one of those moments in which Kibum seriously wondered what on earth was wrong with him. All week he had whined over the fact that Jonghyun was far away. All week he had wished to be close to him again.

To distract himself from his thoughts he searched for Jonghyun’s lips, covering them with his own. He softly traced the other’s bottom lip with his tongue, nibbling on the soft skin with his teeth. The kiss that followed the light play of lips intensified with every passing minute and in Kibum the feeling he had experienced the first time he had kissed Jonghyun on his own accord slowly reawakened. The huge amount of endorphins that were set free during the exchange of kisses was probably one of the reasons why most teenagers always wanted to have physical contact. He wondered if grown-ups still felt the same way about intimacy. Was it still possible for them to get high on kisses if they had tried out almost everything already?

“I…I need to go,” Jonghyun mumbled breathlessly after a while, responding to Kibum’s kisses when the younger simply ignored his announcement. “Ki…bu…,” he tried again to say between kisses.

“Don’t go,” Kibum mumbled, devoting himself to play around with Jonghyun’s left ear. After all, he knew how sensitive the other was there.

“You are playing unfair, Kibum,” the older chuckled, turning his head a bit to escape the other’s mouth. “It’s always the same. You first start being all shy and then…,” Jonghyun grinned, lovingly stroking some strands of hair out of Kibum’s face without finishing his sentence. The comment made Kibum blush and with a little pout he got up from the mattress and grabbed his T-shirt, which was tossed into the corner of his bed.

“Don’t sulk. I really need to go home. Look how late it is already. I told my parents I would only stop by at your place for a short time and now it’s already past 11 pm,” Jonghyun explained and moved to the side of Kibum’s bed, pulling the younger one towards him. “We’ll see each other at school tomorrow,” he then said and looked up at Kibum with puppy eyes that were hard to resist.

“You just came back and now you are already leaving again,” Kibum mumbled in thought, fixing Jonghyun’s tousled hair. He really didn’t want the other to go.

After another 10 minutes, Jonghyun was ready to leave, both of them silently moving through the corridor of Kibum’s apartment. Jonghyun grabbed his jacket on the way out and slipped into his sneakers when they had reached the door. Kibum checked whether his mum was still awake, but the light in the living room was turned off. Was she already asleep or was she pretending to be asleep?

“Take care of yourself,” Kibum whispered when Jonghyun opened the front door, a wave of coldness engulfing him. It really had gotten cold. He rubbed his arms and watched how the other closed his coat.

“Sleep tight, Kibum. See you tomorrow.” With that Jonghyun leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Kibum’s cheek before he shouldered his sports bag and left the house.

“Good night,” the younger responded shortly and looked after Jonghyun who started to jog down the street to the nearest train station. What a surprise. What a nice surprise, Kibum thought with a happy smile, closing the front door by the time the other was out of sight. He was on the way to his bedroom when the door to his mum’s room opened all of a sudden, the sound startling him.

“Kibum, he really can’t show up this late. Have you even checked the time?” she started right away, her voice sounding upset and worried at the same time.

“I’m sorry, mum,” Kibum apologized, not feeling like putting up a fight.

“You are only 16.”

“17,” Kibum corrected her immediately. It wasn’t like he felt more like an adult now, but he thought it was important to stay true to the facts.

“It doesn’t matter. You are still a minor. Jonghyun seems to be a decent young man, but I don’t want him to show up again this late. Do I make myself clear?” It was always a sign of his mum really being angry when she waved her forefinger at him. It was unfair that his mum still treated him like a four-year-old. Maybe she had a point, but couldn’t she just be happy for him? Happy that her son finally found someone who truly made him enjoy his life and who cared enough about him to show up in the evening after a long car ride just to surprise him?

“It was just a surprise, mum. It won’t happen again,” he sighed in defeat.

“I hope so, now it’s time for bed. You have school tomorrow.” With that she ushered her son into his bedroom, seemingly not interested in continuing their discussion. Why had she even started one if she wasn’t interested in arguing it out? Kibum let himself fall onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. Jonghyun was back from his trip and school would start again the next day.

Normality had returned and it was time for him to finally pack his bags and leave his island of solitude behind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 18**

 

Two weeks had passed since Jonghyun’s surprise visit. Two weeks filled with schoolwork and late night chats. Due to their busy school schedules, they hadn’t had much time to spend with each other over the past few weeks. To Kibum it seemed that all assignments for school had been placed into December, making it hard for the high school student to concentrate on anything else but math, biology, physics, and English.

 

It was extremely difficult to maintain and deepen a relationship if you weren’t able to spend time together outside of school. It annoyed Kibum to no end because even on Fridays he hadn’t been able to meet up with Jonghyun, the reason for it being extra classes after his regular lessons were over. Since exams would take place in late January the annual time of exam preparation had started to take place. Even though it wasn’t obligatory, students who didn’t attend the after-school preparation were eyed at disparagingly by their fellow students and looked down upon by teachers. It wasn’t like Kibum really cared what his classmates thought, but Jinki had appealed to his conscience by making it quite clear that studying was important and that he should get used to it because studying for university entrance exams would be even worse. There was a saying in Korea that made it quite clear that sleeping was nothing students should be doing if they wanted to enter one of South Korea’s top universities. If you slept more than five hours every night you could just forget about entering a respectable university. Kibum wasn’t even sure if he really wanted to go to university, but he knew that Jinki was right… _like he always was_.

 

After an exhausting hour of math on Wednesday, in which Kibum hadn’t understood anything at all, he sat down at the school canteen with Jinki in tow, both unpacking their lunch boxes to have a well-deserved break.

 

“I just hate math. It’s so frustrating. It all sounds Greek to me. It’s like ‘You have a banana and an apple. The wind speed is roughly greater than 70miles per hour. Please calculate how cold the sand gets at night in the Sahara desert when a dragon vomits fire while wearing a clown costume’,” Kibum babbled with big gestures, causing Jinki to raise an eyebrow.

 

“You are talking nonsense. Functions are so interesting.”

 

“Seriously? Tell me when will I ever use something like this in real life?” Kibum wondered, poking the rice in front of him with his chopsticks. However, before Jinki had the chance to say anything clever and life changing in response a flashy flyer was placed between them. When both boys looked up simultaneously they noticed Jonghyun standing next to their table with a big smile on his face.

 

“Hey you two,” he grinned and tousled Kibum’s hair fondly. It was a new habit of his. Kibum hadn’t found out yet why Jonghyun always tended to tousle his hair whenever he greeted him in school, but he assumed that it had something to do with the fact that Jonghyun wasn’t able to kiss him there. Maybe it was some sort of compensation mechanism?

 

“What’s that?” Jinki asked curiously while Kibum tried to fix his hair again.

 

“It’s ‘Open Day’ at the Seoul National University this Saturday and I wanted to check some things out at their college of music. I’m going to study there in a few months after all. I have been there last year as well. It was quite impressive. They also have live performances and lectures. I thought you might want to tag along,” Jonghyun explained eagerly, his eyes fixed on Kibum even though it had been Jinki who had asked the question.

 

“Of course you can come, too,” Jonghyun hastily added when he probably had realized that it was impolite to just ask Kibum to accompany him.

 

“Nah, thanks…I have to study,” Jinki declined nonchalantly, stuffing a piece of Gimbap into his mouth. Kibum wondered if Jinki didn’t want to come because he didn’t want to feel like the third wheel or if he really had to study.

 

“Sure, I’m looking forward to it,” Kibum answered Jonghyun with a smile, his heart jumping in joy when the older one returned it. He was really looking forward to it. First of all, he was quite sure that it would be an interesting experience to gain an insight of a university and secondly he would be able to finally spend some quality time with Jonghyun again.

 

“Great! You can check out the flyer if you want to. You might find something that interests you,” Jonghyun suggested and settled down onto the bench next to Kibum, brushing the other’s shoulder while doing so. Jonghyun had developed into a master of inconspicuous physical intimacy. Every chance he got he used to touch Kibum, but it wasn’t obvious to anyone but Kibum himself. Since they didn’t have any chance to share any kind of body contact lately Kibum treasured every little touch. He had even started to envy all his fellow classmates who dated each other more than ever because they were able to openly show their affection towards each other and didn’t have to hide it.

 

He didn’t want to imagine what would happen if anyone would ever find out about their relationship in school. Even though the students here were far more open-minded than they had been at his previous school, it was still quite easy to become a target for class bullies if you didn’t act like everyone else. Students could be cruel, there was no way of denying that.

 

“Shall I pick you up on Saturday?”

 

Jonghyun’s question had pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked at the older one who leaned over to him and grabbed a cherry tomato out of his lunch box, putting it into his mouth with a boyish grin.

 

“Isn’t that a detour for you?”

 

“Yeah, but who cares. If I pick you up at home we can go there together, which is nice,” Jonghyun mumbled with a full mouth, eyeing Jinki’s lunch box filled with Gimbap.

 

“Don’t even think about it,” Jinki responded quickly and pulled his lunch box closer to his chest, causing Jonghyun to pout.

 

“Spoilsport,” he grumbled, making Kibum smile inwardly. “School is so annoying lately. We need to do a group project in physics. Do I look like I care about physics?” Jonghyun then added and let his forehead sink onto the table in front of him.

 

“You should, you know. I mean you should care about physics and math. Vibrations in music and so on can all be explained by math and physics.”

 

It was Jinki’s typical way of motivating someone, Kibum knew it all too well.

 

“I know, and actually I don’t even have anything against physics. I just dislike group projects. It’s always the same. You have a bunch of unmotivated people and in the end, there is one person who is doing everything for the rest of the group, because otherwise, the group would have nothing at all.”

 

“And you are the one who is doing everything?” Kibum asked, still fighting with the rice in his lunch box. It somehow tasted differently today, but he couldn’t really explain what it was. Maybe his mum had used a different brand of rice?

 

“Hell no. I don’t have time for that,” Jonghyun murmured, forehead still placed on the table.

 

“So why are you complaining?”

 

“Because I get a guilty conscience.”

 

“Then…actively participate in the group work,” Jinki suggested, causing Jonghyun to look up with a desperate look on his face.

 

“But I don’t want to,” he whined, causing both of his friends to raise an eyebrow.

 

“You don’t make any sense,” Kibum pointed out. He really didn’t make any sense, which was quite unusual. Generally, it was Kibum who didn’t make any sense, so seeing the older one talking gibberish was something unknown to him until now. “Is everything okay?” the younger pressed on, trying to find out if something was wrong with Jonghyun.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe yes…maybe no? I always get moody when winter approaches. I love winter, but it also makes me feel depressed somehow,” Jonghyun shrugged with a sigh and got up from his seat. “I better get going. I’m working on a composition right now. If you want to you can stop by at the music room after class?” Jonghyun said then, casually pointing to the exit with his hands.

 

“I have exam preparation until 9 PM again,” Kibum sighed in frustration, not wanting to think about the extra lessons. When the days got shorter it was especially frustrating to stay in school for that long, because you came to school when it was dark and you left school when the sun had gone down already. No wonder so many students suffered from depression.

 

“I still will be there by then,” Jonghyun responded with a smile and waved both of them goodbye before he turned around and left the canteen.

 

“He’s not really working on a composition. I mean, maybe he is, but that was just a pretense,” Jinki whispered knowingly, stuffing another piece of Gimbap into his mouth.

 

“Huh?” Kibum was confused. Why did everybody confuse him today? Was this the national day of confusing Kibum?

 

“He just wants to smooch his boyfriend,” Jinki chuckled, pretending to grope and kiss an imaginary person. Kibum instantly blushed, and then decided to punch Jinki on his upper arm.

 

“Don’t say something like that,” he huffed, not wanting to hear such assumptions. Even though he liked the idea of a little kissing session in the music room of their school, Jinki shouldn’t say it out loud when there were people everywhere around them.

 

“Sorry,” Jinki apologized and rubbed his upper arm with a pained expression.

 

Six hours of school stood between him and Jonghyun, six hours of pretending that Kibum would just shortly stop by at the music room after class to say hello.

 

***

 

At 9:05 PM Kibum came to a halt in front of the music room, eavesdropping. Jonghyun was playing piano that much was clear. It was a sad melody he played. Maybe it was the composition he had said he worked on? He knocked politely and entered the room after the older one had summoned him to come in. 

 

“Hey, there you are.” Jonghyun’s smile reached up to his eyes. With a nod, Kibum came up to him and sat down next to Jonghyun when the older one patted the free spot next to him on the piano stool. Kibum hadn’t even completely settled down next to the other when Jonghyun’s lips already found their way to the left corner of his lips, his eyes widening a little in surprise.

 

“I missed you,” Jonghyun whispered and reached out for Kibum’s face, pulling it towards him.

 

“I missed you, too,” the younger replied and closed his eyes when the tip of Jonghyun’s nose brushed against his.

 

“Korean schools really suck. Let’s face it, in North America or Europe kids don’t spend their whole youth at school,” Jonghyun complained, a frown appearing on his face.

 

“It’s only a few more months until you will graduate. You will survive,” Kibum tried to sound optimistic, a pleasant sensation spreading in his stomach when Jonghyun placed small butterfly kisses on his cheeks and jaw. Actually, he didn’t really want to think of Jonghyun graduating. It was a thought he tried to push as far away as possible.

 

“I miss spending time with you,” Jonghyun sighed then, leaning his forehead against Kibum’s, hands wandering down the younger one’s arms until their fingers intertwined. “I miss kissing and touching you,” he added then, causing Kibum’s insides to tumble. It felt like ages since they had fooled around in his bed for the last time and there was a craving for physical contact growing inside of Kibum that the teenager hadn’t known until now. He felt like their relationship was stagnating and due to their busy schedules, there was not much he could do about it.

 

The lack of intimacy had caused Kibum to start watching porn frequently again. It was nothing he was proud of and he kept it a secret from Jonghyun, because it embarrassed him that he spent almost every night after school in front of his computer, jerking off to every guy he could find who was similar to Jonghyun in some way, be it the shape of the nose, the hairstyle or just the skin tone. It didn’t really matter how big the resemblance was because everything that didn’t fit Jonghyun’s real build was adapted and corrected in Kibum’s mind while watching.

 

It was his rediscovered guilty pleasure.

 

There were so many things he wanted to try out with Jonghyun, but apart from his rather passive nature they also hadn’t spent any time alone and in privacy for weeks. So it might not even be that surprising that his teenager hormones slowly went overboard.

 

“How about a sleepover on Saturday?” Kibum asked carefully, looking down at their interlaced fingers.

 

“We are invited to my aunt’s birthday in the evening. I’m actually supposed to come as well, but I will try to figure something out. Spending time with you sounds much better than having a boring birthday party with the family,” Jonghyun explained calmly, pressing a small kiss on the tip of Kibum’s nose.

 

“I’m going to buy you your favorite cookies and chips,” Kibum tried to bribe Jonghyun with a small smile, causing the older one to chuckle.

 

“How can I say no to cookies and chips,” he responded lowly, sealing Kibum’s mouth with his lips a moment later. The younger one immediately leaned into the touch, savoring any form of body contact he could get, knees bumping into each other when they tried to get closer, the piano stool giving them not much space to move around. It was completely silent around them and Kibum wished that there could be more times like this. Times in which they were undisturbed and could concentrate on each other instead of keeping an eye on their surroundings.

 

***

 

“It’s so crowded,” Kibum stated matter-of-factly and watched hundreds of people swarm around the plaza in front of the College of Fine Arts and the College of Music building a few days later. The white concrete complex consisted of a curved front that emulated the appearance of flowing water. Some students near the entrance distributed flyers and others advertised different clubs one could join as a freshman. It was a loud bustle of people and Kibum lost the overview quickly, holding onto Jonghyun’s jacket to not lose him in the crowd.

 

“I think everyone is here to see the music program. There will be orchestra performances, traditional Korean music, and some solo acts as well. It’s really enjoyable to watch,” Jonghyun explained while cutting his way through the crowd, shouldering a black sports bag. The presence of the bag brought a smile to Kibum’s face because it reminded him of the fact that Jonghyun had managed to talk his way out of the birthday party and into a sleepover at the younger one’s place. Just the thought of finally being able to fall asleep next to Jonghyun again brought a stupid grin to his face that even the masses of people weren’t able to wash away.

 

“Should we check some out later?” Jonghyun asked when they finally managed to get inside the building, the two of them greeted by a dozen small colorful stalls that were perfectly lined up next to each other along the corridor, providing information about the different fields one could study. There was everything from vocal training to traditional music and composition.

 

“Yeah, I would like that,” Kibum nodded with a smile, following Jonghyun along the corridor, his mind trying to comprehend all these new impressions. Weirdly enough walking around in a university building made him feel like an adult. He liked the atmosphere, everyone around them having a welcoming smile on their lips. The students who attended this university were here because they wanted to because they enjoyed music and wanted to learn more about it. It was different to his life at high school. One had to attend school and had to study subjects one wasn’t interested in. Maybe going to university wasn’t such a bad idea after all. 

 

They paused in front of the stall of the composition department, Jonghyun talking briefly to a young man sitting on the other side of the table when they heard a surprised ‘Jonghyun?’ coming from the next stall in line. Although it wasn’t his name that was called Kibum automatically looked up, noticing a young woman looking their way. She looked stunning; beautiful long black hair, small face with a pair of subtle made up big eyes, porcelain skin and a pair of perfect legs clad in a knee-length black skirt. He had never seen her before.

 

“Sookjoo?”

 

When Kibum’s eyes wandered over to Jonghyun he saw the other looking a little bewildered and wondered where he had heard the name Sookjoo before. It sounded oddly familiar.

 

“I haven’t seen you for so long. It’s been over a year, right? How are you doing?”

 

The woman came over then and before Kibum knew what was happening her arms were around Jonghyun, hugging him tightly to her rather flat looking chest. The hug looked so intimate that Kibum felt his guts tie into a knot and he brooded over her name, trying to figure out when he had heard it before.

 

“I’m doing fine, thanks. I didn’t know you are still studying here,” Jonghyun replied and took a step back, still looking slightly dumbfounded. Kibum felt invisible at this very moment, not knowing what exactly he was witnessing. The woman pointed at a nameplate that was neatly pinned on her dark blue oversized knitted sweater and tilted her head with a cute expression.

 

“Choi Sookjoo – Student Assistant: Vocal Music,” she read the printed text with a smile. “I’m doing my Master’s degree right now and work as a student assistant for one of my professors. Well, today I’m in charge of telling everyone about the advantages of studying vocal music at Seoul National University,” she added with big gestures and something inside Kibum clicked, his eyes widening in an instant.

 

_‘The last one was Sookjoo. I met her at a café where she worked part-time. She was 20 and studied music at university. I thought she was the one. Well, maybe she really was the one. We were like twins and maybe this was the problem in the end. We were so much alike that it didn’t work out. She wanted to follow her career, become a singer and I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.’_

 

He was talking to his ex-girlfriend.

 

It felt like someone had cut right into his heart, a poisonous flood of jealousy washing over him. Jonghyun had never mentioned how beautiful his ex-girlfriend had been.

 

“So our genius composer Kim Jonghyun really is going to study composition?” she asked with a playful grin, Kibum’s heart aching when he saw a smile appearing on Jonghyun’s face.

 

“Composing is what makes me happy,” he replied and scratched the back of his head, laughing when Sookjoo gave him a nudge into the side.

 

“I’m so proud of you. You will become a well-known composer, I’m sure of it.”

 

She smiled warmly and patted Jonghyun’s shoulder, the small gesture making Kibum insides turn. It felt weird. Until now he had never seen Jonghyun actively interact with any girls outside of the music room – especially not ones he had slept with before. The thought made Kibum’s head ache. The young woman in front of him had seen and experienced so much with Jonghyun already, things Kibum could only dream of until now. _She_ had been the _one_ for Jonghyun and Kibum wondered if _he_ was ever going to be the _one_ for Jonghyun as well.

 

“You have to come and watch me later on. Our university musical group will perform at the concert hall at 3 pm.”

 

“Oh, that’s nice. We wanted to check out some performances anyway.”

 

Jonghyun turned his head towards Kibum then, the word _we_ sounding like a chant of angels in his ears. Curiously Sookjoo tilted her head and faced Kibum, the younger one feeling slightly uncomfortable when all attention was on him all of a sudden.

 

“Hey, I’m Sookjoo,” she said with a sincere smile, waved her hand at Kibum in a cute fashion and turned her head towards Jonghyun in question when Kibum only awkwardly bowed his head without saying anything. How could a girl be this pretty? It was unfair. He knew that she had broken Jonghyun’s heart, but she still felt like a rival in Kibum’s head, a rival Kibum could only lose to.

 

“That’s Kibum. He’s two classes below me. I used to give him guitar lessons,” Jonghyun introduced the younger one instead, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he told Sookjoo about the reason for their initial acquaintance.

 

Inwardly Kibum had wished for Jonghyun to introduce him with ‘ _that’s Kibum, my boyfriend_ ’, but they had talked about it before and both of them had agreed that the status of their relationship wasn’t anyone’s business. However, even though Kibum acknowledged this, he still was on the verge of telling Sookjoo about it only to make her aware of the fact that Jonghyun was now his to kiss and not hers. It was a childish thought, but Kibum struggled with pushing it back into his subconscious.

 

“Ah really? Nice to meet you, Kibum. I hope Jonghyun is nice to you. He can be an awfully strict teacher,” Sookjoo quipped and pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. Even her ears were pretty. Self-doubt engulfed him like a vortex, pulling him down into the deep-sea. It was one thing to inquire about Jonghyun’s past love related experiences through talking, but a completely different matter when you were faced with part of these experiences in form of an ex-girlfriend in real life. It made him wonder if Jonghyun could even think of him as attractive after being together with someone as naturally pretty as Sookjoo.

 

“He’s a good teacher. I’m just a very lazy student,” Kibum said finally with a shrug, making the young woman in front of him laugh.

 

“You are cute, Kibum,” she replied nonchalantly, a soft blush appearing on Kibum’s face.

 

“He is, isn’t he?” Jonghyun agreed with a smile and all of a sudden Kibum felt the other’s hand in his nape, fingertips stroking the back of his head affectionately. To outsiders, it might have looked like an innocent gesture between friends, but Kibum knew better. It was Jonghyun’s way of saying ‘ _I would like to kiss you right now, but that would be weird, wouldn’t it?’_

 

“Sookjoo, can you help me with the flyers?”

 

All three of them looked up at the same time, watching another woman in the neighboring stall with two heavy looking bundles of flyers in her arms. 

 

“Sure, I’ll be right there,” Sookjoo replied quickly before turning back to Kibum and Jonghyun.

 

“I need to get back to work. It was nice to meet you again and see that you are doing fine,” she said to Jonghyun and gave him another hug which lasted way too long to Kibum’s liking. It wasn’t the hug per se that Kibum disliked but more the meaning behind it. Jonghyun and Sookjoo were people who had loved each other at one point in their lives, and a shared past wasn’t something that was ever forgotten completely. It was something that always lingered somewhere in the back of one’s mind.

 

“It was nice meeting you, Kibum,” she addressed him then and bowed with a smile before she turned on her heels and walked back to the _Vocal Music_ stall.

 

“So that was Sookjoo, my…”

 

“I figured as much,” Kibum interrupted Jonghyun hastily, not wanting to hear the word ex-girlfriend rolling from the tip of his tongue. Jonghyun nodded understandingly, his hands disappearing into the pockets of his blue, loose jeans.

 

“I thought she graduated already,” Jonghyun pondered, his eyes shortly wandering over to the stall where Sookjoo was working at before turning back to Kibum. “It doesn’t really matter, though. Let’s go and see what else there is to discover on this campus,” he said excitedly and started walking down the corridor, calling after Kibum when the younger one wasn’t following right away.

 

Kibum wondered if Jonghyun avoided talking about Sookjoo in more detail out of consideration for Kibum’s feelings or because he really didn’t care all that much. Either way, the short encounter had left its imprint on Kibum who couldn’t stop imagining what a beautiful couple Jonghyun and Sookjoo must have been; two pretty people, two talented musicians, two charming characters. They probably had been the perfect match.

 

They walked along the line of stalls, Jonghyun accepting all kind of colorful flyers from students they passed on their way until he held at least twenty of them in his hand. The older one seemed to figuratively flourish in the halls of the college of music, eyes sparkling in a way Kibum had never seen them before. It was a striking sight to witness and the younger followed Jonghyun with a small smile on his lips, falling for him all over again.

 

After almost two hours of wandering around, and visiting an introductory class on something Kibum had no knowledge of they settled down in the corner of a big cafeteria in the west wing of the building with two cups of cacao and a plate with a piece of red chocolate velvet cake between them.

 

“What was the lecture about?” Kibum asked a little sheepishly, cutting off a piece of cake with a small fork. He had no idea about music theory at all and the words the man in front of the class had used had been complete gibberish to him. A chuckle left Jonghyun’s lips before he opened his mouth and leaned forward, pointing at himself with his forefinger. Hesitantly Kibum looked around and checked if anyone was watching them before he lifted his fork towards Jonghyun. An infatuated grin appeared on his lips when the older one closed his lips around the fork, his eyes closing in delight and a happy sound leaving his lips.

 

“That’s so good,” Jonghyun exclaimed happily, taking the fork from Kibum’s hand, and imitating the other’s actions by holding some cake in front of the younger one’s face a moment later. Were they really going to feed each other in public? Kibum nibbled on his bottom lip and swallowed, his head darting forward in the next second, quickly snatching the piece of cake with his lips under the amused face of Jonghyun.

 

“It’s good, isn’t it?” the older one asked then, placing the fork back onto the plate, his feet under the table bumping against Kibum’s from both sides, pulling them closer. An agreeing hum left Kibum’s lips that savored the sweet, chocolaty taste on his tongue, absentmindedly smiling at Jonghyun.

 

“To get back to your previous question. The lecture was on harmony and counterpoint. Counterpoint basically means note against note. It shows the relationship between different voices that are harmonically intertwined, but rhythmically independent. You at least need two musical lines otherwise you will have monophonic music. This form of composition was the most important technique during the Renaissance and during the Baroque era, but it is also still used today. To put it simple instead of having a melody and a complement like in Mozart’s C Major Sonata K 545 you have equally important melodies that are interweaving. A good example for that is Bach’s second movement of Toccata in E minor. I will play them for you the next time we will be in the music room so you can hear the difference. It’s easier to understand if you listen to examples.”

 

It always fascinated Kibum how eloquent Jonghyun sounded when he talked about music. It was like he was talking to him in a foreign language and Kibum wished he was at least half as ambitious about something as Jonghyun was about music.

 

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Kibum admitted with a sigh, looking up at Jonghyun when the other one started to snigger.

 

“It’s okay. You don’t need to. Music is just something I’m really passionate about,” Jonghyun admitted and grabbed the fork again to pick up another piece of cake, holding it up in front of Kibum’s mouth with a loud ‘ _aaaah’._ A little reluctantly Kibum closed his lips around the fork, seeing how a smile spread on Jonghyun’s face again.

 

“Is there something you are passionate about?” Jonghyun asked after Kibum swallowed the piece of cake, Kibum’s face contorting in thought. What was he passionate about? It was a question he hadn’t thought about for a really long time.

 

“I always thought I was passionate about drawing, but I rarely draw these days. So I don’t know if it still can be considered a passion of mine.”

 

Kibum shrugged, chin resting on his propped up hand.

 

“How come? Did you lose your muse?” Jonghyun pressed on, taking a sip of his cacao. Kibum wasn’t quite sure how to answer the other’s question. Jonghyun had been his muse for the past couple of months and he had spent countless times with drawing the older one in all kind of postures during sleepless nights, but except for drawings of Jonghyun the paper in his sketchbook had stayed untouched. Moreover, drawing had always been some sort of escape for Kibum. Most drawings came from a period in his life when he was beaten up after school and had hidden inside his room for the most part of the day. Drawing had helped him to express the pain he had felt inside.

 

“I’m not sure. I might have used drawing as a form of self-therapy. But at the moment I’m more or less content with my life…,” he explained and lowered his gaze. “…mainly because of you,” Kibum added in a small voice, his heart skipping a beat when he felt the other’s finger caress his cheek.

 

“I’m glad you feel that way,” Jonghyun replied, his thumb touching the corner of Kibum’s lips. “I wished you drew me something, though. The drawings above your bed are just so good. You are really talented, you know.”

 

“You really think so?”

 

“I do. I don’t say things like this if I’m not serious about them.”

 

An encouraging smile appeared on Jonghyun’s lips, the hand that had previously touched his face now closing around Kibum’s hand, squeezing it lightly. It was good to hear that he was apparently good at something from someone whose opinion he valued a lot. It was helping to heal the deep wounds in his self-esteem from years of rejection and hearing that he wasn’t good enough for anything.

 

***

 

Half an hour later they sat down at the concert hall and watched a performance of eight women dressed in beautiful _hanbok_ who played a song on the _gayageum_ , a traditional Korean zither-like string instrument. Kibum would never listen to a CD with traditional Korean music at home, but watching a live performance of it was a nice experience. Jonghyun next to him checked the flyer with the order of performances, his free hand playing aimlessly with Kibum’s fingers which rested on an armrest that separated them. The feathery touch of the older one’s fingertips distracted Kibum from the performance in the very front of the room, his eyes following Jonghyun’s fingers, which drew small indefinable patterns on the back of his hand.

 

“The performance Sookjoo mentioned earlier takes place after the next one. There is someone who plays a piece by Franz Liszt on the piano before that,” Jonghyun said after the _gayageum_ performance was over and the applause of the audience had quieted down again. Kibum only nodded, having no idea who Franz Liszt was, and not really looking forward to seeing the other’s ex-girlfriend again. But maybe he was lucky and wouldn’t even be able to see her if she performed with a lot of other people on stage. When the lights were dimmed down again the young men fell silent and directed their attention back to the stage. It took a few moments until a lanky man entered the stage to the applause of the audience and bowed at the front of the podium before he sat down at a grand piano, fingers hovering above the keys.

 

“Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 is really difficult to play. Liszt was probably one of the greatest technical pianists of all time,” Jonghyun whispered and smiled when Kibum nodded in response. Kibum didn’t distinguish music in technically demanding and non-demanding music, but in music he liked and he didn’t like. For him, music was all about emotions and not about technique. If a song made him feel something it didn’t matter if he was listening to an interpretation of a classical piece at a concert hall or a pop song on the radio, they were both equally important to him.

 

Soon the room was filled with the sound of the piano and Kibum noticed how Jonghyun’s right hand followed the succession of notes on his own knee, his feet tapping along to the rhythm. It was a cute sight to witness and Kibum smiled to himself before his head turned back to the young man on stage whose fingers flew over the keys faster and faster with every passing minute. To Kibum it was hard to imagine how it was possible for someone to play this quickly. He didn’t need to be a music expert to see that this musical piece was indeed technical challenging. Even though he had always been one to prefer pencils and brushes over musical instruments he felt some kind of regret for not being able to play an instrument whenever he saw someone who had mastered the language of music so virtuously.

 

“He was really good,” Jonghyun said approvingly when the young man had exited the stage and the light was turned on again after his performance had ended, a few people standing up to leave the auditorium while new ones came inside. Some people were busily working on the stage, pushing the grand piano to the side and placing several chairs and music stands next to it.

 

“Can you play something like this as well?” Kibum asked, his eyes following the hectic setup on stage.

 

“I can…but it doesn’t sound that good. I would need to practice it a lot first, and even then I’m not sure if I could master it in a way Liszt would have approved of,” he answered sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

 

It took the people on stage about five minutes to finish the preparations for the upcoming act, Jonghyun telling Kibum that the musical group would perform a medley of the Austrian musical _Elizabeth_ while they waited.

 

“Is she a good singer?” The question had fallen from Kibum’s lips without giving it much thought beforehand.

 

“Yes, she is. I used to accompany her a lot on piano or guitar when she sang.”

 

Kibum felt his heart sink again, discomfort spreading throughout his limbs. He shouldn’t have asked. Now his mind was filled with images of Jonghyun looking at Sookjoo in admiration while she sang along to the songs he played. It was an unpleasant feeling, his heart being slowly eaten up by jealousy. It was a feeling he wasn’t quite accustomed to and he dearly hoped that it would vanish as soon as they got home.

 

Several minutes later a group of orchestra players stepped onto the stage with their instruments, the lights in the auditorium slowly fading. The performance opened up with a group of people who were clad in a European style of clothing from the 19th century and danced and sang along to the music of the orchestra. It was a colorful spectacle and Kibum didn’t know where to look, the bodies on stage moving too quickly to see whether Sookjoo was one of them. The scene transitioned smoothly into a much darker and gloomier one, the lights dimmed down and the previous dancers exchanged by a group of men all dressed in black who surrounded two tall very handsome looking young men in heavy makeup. One of them was dressed in very extravagant clothes while the other wore a uniform, both singing a very intense duet, which caused goosebumps on his skin.

 

“They are both very good-looking,” Kibum whispered into Jonghyun’s ear, the other looking at him with an amused grin.

 

“So…tall and muscular guys with makeup are really your thing it seems,” he quipped, hand gliding to Kibum’s thigh, squeezing it lightly. The younger one bit his bottom lip, eyes gazing down at the hand on his thigh. It looked like it belonged there, making Kibum feel all fuzzy inside. He was glad that Jonghyun’s hand was closer to his knee than it was to his crotch because he didn’t want to get too excited about something like a hand on his thigh. Sadly, the song was over way too quickly and the two men were swallowed up by darkness, a soft piano melody filling the hall soon afterwards. There was a single spotlight on the stage, a woman stepping into the pool of light, wearing a long white gown, her black hair falling over her shoulders in beautiful wavy curls. The woman turned out to be Sookjoo on closer inspection, and she played Elizabeth – the main character.

 

“Oh, this is her.”

 

It wasn’t necessary for Jonghyun to announce his ex-girlfriend’s appearance because Kibum had recognized her right away. From the corner of his eye, Kibum saw Jonghyun straightening up to get a better view, his posture slightly stretching forwards. When Sookjoo began to sing on stage Kibum didn’t look at her but at Jonghyun who had a wide smile plastered on his face. He looked more like a proud boyfriend who watched his girlfriend on stage than a man who had his heart broken by said woman. By now Kibum knew that Jonghyun really liked and cared about him, but after seeing Jonghyun look at Sookjoo he wasn’t sure whether Jonghyun would ever care as much about him as he had cared for her.

 

Unfortunately, Sookjoo had a beautiful voice there was no way around it. She had a wide vocal range and hit every note perfectly; the sound of her voice clear and almost angelic. At the end of her performance, the man with the extravagant clothes entered the stage again, accentuating her voice with his tenor, holding her hands. During the closing scene, they looked longingly into each other’s eyes before he hugged and kissed her, the lights on stage turned off in the next moment.

 

There was a moment of silence in the concert hall, all eyes focusing on the stage. When the lights were turned on again and the ensemble lined up in the middle of the stage the audience started to clap and Kibum wasn’t completely sure, but to him, it appeared as if Jonghyun clapped the loudest. Kibum wanted to be the person on stage Jonghyun clapped for, wanted to be someone the other was proud of. The aching in his heart just didn’t want to stop.

 

“She has become so much better,” Jonghyun finally said when the performers and the musicians had left the stage. Kibum nodded with a hum, lips pulled into a thin line. Jonghyun seemed to notice that something was amiss, because he moved closer to Kibum immediately, his face coming dangerously close.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, hand reaching out to land on Kibum’s nape, massaging the skin there. In the beginning, Kibum had shied away from every subtle public display of affection in embarrassment, but by now Jonghyun’s advances had become so frequent that he had stopped caring. It would draw too much attention if he jumped every single time the other touched him.

 

“Everything is okay, I’m just a little exhausted.” Kibum didn’t like lying, but to him, it seemed to be more appropriate to behave like an adult instead of acting like a little jealous boyfriend.

 

“Yeah, it’s been a long day. Shall we go or do you still want to watch something else? We could also take a look at the Fine Arts department if you are interested. They have painting and sculpturing among other things. There is even a small exhibition with works of students.”

 

Even though Jonghyun’s offer sounded tempting Kibum shook his head. He wanted to leave the campus as soon as possible. A small pout formed on Jonghyun’s lips before he sighed and got up from his seat.

 

“Okay then, shall we drive back to your place?” he suggested and grabbed his bag from the floor.

 

His place. His home. A place without Sookjoo.

 

Kibum nodded in agreement and followed Jonghyun through the row of seats, both of them going back to the exit of the university building. They spent their way to the nearby tram station in silence, walking closely next to each other, shoulders touching every now and then. In the morning Kibum had been excited by the prospect of having Jonghyun all to himself for the entire day, but now his happiness was tainted with a bitter aftertaste. He didn’t want to think about Jonghyun’s past relationship, but he couldn’t help the visual images that his mind produced.

 

“What are you thinking about? The handsome men from earlier?” Jonghyun teased jokingly, bumping into Kibum with his shoulder. They entered the tram station then and walked through the entry gates to get to the platform of line 2 to Sadang.

 

“They were handsome, weren’t they?”

 

“I guess they were. I’m sorry, Kibum but…,” Jonghyun started with a dramatic look on his face, making Kibum wonder what he was going to say next. “…I can wear kohl around my eyes and I can also become muscular if you give me some time, but…I can’t do anything about my height. It’s a given and can’t be changed. I’m sorry if this disqualifies me to be your boyfriend,” he added theatrically, the comment making Kibum laugh.

 

“You are such a dork,” he chuckled, slapping Jonghyun slightly against the shoulder. He had missed that. Had missed their random talks, the inanities they shared when they were alone. It seemed so natural by now. Step by step Jonghyun had taken away the bricks that Kibum had used to build up the walls around him. The walls that had protected him for so long. The younger one was incredibly thankful for Jonghyun’s patience with him, for not getting upset with him when he acted all passive and reserved. Thankfully, his initial awkwardness had become less. It was not completely gone yet, but he trusted Jonghyun and it helped him to show more of himself to the older one.

 

It took them almost an hour by metro to get back to Ssangnum, the station closest to Kibum’s home, and another fifteen minutes by foot through the busy streets to reach the neighborhood where the younger one lived. They walked along the narrow, ascending road, the old brick buildings with their outer power supply lines closely attached to another. They passed a group of children who played on the streets and a gray striped stray cat which came up to Kibum almost immediately when he kneeled down and made weird animal-like noises to attract it.

 

“Maybe we should go to a cat café one day?” Jonghyun suggested with an amused smile, holding his bag in one hand, the other buried in the pocket of his jeans.

 

“I don’t know. I love cats, but I don’t think they enjoy to be patted and bothered by strangers all day,” Kibum retorted, a smile appearing on his face when the tomcat rubbed its face against the palm of his hand. He had always loved cats with their cute little faces and their elegant movements. They always appeared to be proud and confident, something Kibum wished he was as well.

 

“Maybe you should get your own cat then.”

 

Jonghyun came closer, carefully squatting down next to Kibum and stretching out his hand so the cat could take a look at it.

 

“My mum is not too fond of animals. Too hairy, too demanding…she always told me that I’m enough for her to take care of.”

 

Jonghyun hummed in response and beamed when the cat wriggled its thin body around Kibum’s leg and looked up at him warily.

 

“It’s sad that so many cats and dogs live on the streets without having a home,” Jonghyun then contemplated, his hand wandering over to stroke Kibum’s hair when the cat didn’t make any advances to come closer to him.

 

“I’m not a cat, you know,” Kibum grinned, his fingertips fondling the cat behind its ear, the gesture causing the little animal in front of him to purr.

 

“But your eyes are quite feline like.”

 

The piercing look Jonghyun sent his way made Kibum lower his gaze almost immediately, his eyes focusing on the cat, so he could distract himself from his quickening heartbeat. He would probably never get used to these looks that seemed to hold so many promises. Kibum felt Jonghyun’s fingertips running along the shell of his ear, a pleasant feeling sparking in his stomach. For a second, he wondered if Jonghyun had ever looked at Sookjoo the same way and had touched her just as fondly before, the thought causing him to stand up abruptly with a sigh. He didn’t want to think about Jonghyun’s ex-girlfriend anymore. How could he make these thoughts stop?

 

“Shall we go?” he asked timidly while Jonghyun still unsuccessfully tried to bewitch the tomcat in front of him with his charms.

 

“Sure,” was Jonghyun’s quick reply before he got up as well and followed Kibum to the apartment building he lived in.

 

When they entered Kibum’s small home a few minutes later the boys were greeted with silence, the corridor only a little warmer than the temperature outside.

 

“Is your mum still at work?” Jonghyun asked curiously and stepped out of his shoes at the entrance, his bag placed on the ground next to him.

 

“Yeah, she’s working until 9 pm I guess. So if we are hungry we need to...”

 

Kibum hadn’t been completely finished with his explanation when he suddenly felt Jonghyun’s arms sliding around his waist, the older one’s body pressing close to his back. His breath got caught in his lungs and he felt his cheeks heat up, not knowing what to do.

 

“So we have this place all to ourselves for the next four hours?”

 

Jonghyun’s head rested on his shoulder and Kibum gulped, the other’s voice sounding way too seductive.

 

“This sounds like the cheap intro of some schoolboy porn,” Kibum jested, trying to reduce his inner turmoil with a lame joke. He heard a low chuckle close to his ear, Jonghyun’s arms holding him just a little tighter.

 

“Did you watch so much porn with guys in school uniforms or how do you know that?” Jonghyun asked mischievously and let go of Kibum in the next second to grab his sports bag.

 

“No comment,” was all Kibum responded before he went into the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge and ignoring the amused laugh of the other. “Do you want to drink something?”

 

“Water is fine.”

 

With that Kibum pulled a water bottle out of the fridge and two glasses from the cupboard next to it. He felt unusually watched today and to him, it appeared as if Jonghyun burned holes into the back of his head while he poured water into the glasses in front of him.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked after he closed the water bottle again, handing one of the glasses to Jonghyun.

 

“Mmh?” The look on Jonghyun’s face looked utterly confused, his big brown eyes examining him quizzically, lips pressed onto the rim of the glass.

 

“You are following my every move today,” Kibum noted and grabbed his own water, taking a big gulp when Jonghyun’s eyes shrunk to crescents, indicating a smile, which was hidden behind the glass in his hands.

 

“I just like looking at you, is that bad?” Jonghyun tilted his head while saying this, causing Kibum’s face to feel warm again. If he could only be in control of his blushing cheeks. The younger one shook his head swiftly before he headed into the direction of his room, Jonghyun closely following him. Kibum went straight to his computer and turned it on while the older one placed his bag on the ground and naturally sank down onto the bed, his head coming to rest on Kibum’s pillow.

 

“Any song request?” Kibum asked and looked over his shoulder, his eyes immediately darting to a patch of skin visible above the waistline of Jonghyun’s jeans which had found its way to the light of day when the other had lain down.

 

“No, put on whatever you like.”

 

Kibum nodded and turned his gaze back to his computer screen, the image of exposed skin burnt deeply into his memory. He opened the music folder on his desktop and scrolled through the list of albums he had collected over the years. There was a lot of happy pop music and soundtracks from movies, but Kibum wasn’t in the mood for either. He clicked on a collection of Korean ballads from the 90’s instead, selecting the whole folder to be played in his music player. The original CD belonged to his mum who liked to sing along to these songs theatrically while cleaning up, and Kibum had to admit that he sometimes liked to sing along to them as well so he had transferred the songs to his computer when he had been in a sappy mood.

 

“Oh, I think I know this song,” Jonghyun announced ten seconds into the intro, the soft sound of a marimba coming from the speakers of Kibum’s computer.

 

“It was a huge hit in 1995,” Kibum nodded and went over to his bed, Jonghyun immediately moving closer to the wall to make some space for him. He hesitated for a second, his shins knocking against the bed frame, eyes looking at the older one in front of him. Too much time had passed since the last time Jonghyun had graced his bed, and he needed a moment to appreciate his sprawled out form. No matter how effective it was to watch porn while thinking about Jonghyun, it couldn’t be compared to having the other lie around right in front of him on the mattress.

 

“The band was called _Bank_ or something, right? I can’t remember the song title, though,” Jonghyun announced after a second of thought, one arm crossed behind his head and the other stretched out over Kibum’s pillow. Was that an invitation to rest his head on his arm?

 

“It’s ‘I can’t have you’. I’m not completely sure, but I think it was their only bigger hit,” Kibum then said and sat down, his body slowly sinking onto the mattress, his head nestling against Jonghyun’s arm who sent him a smile that made him weak in the knees.

 

“I take it that you are quite the romantic, Mr. Kim Kibum?” An amused grin spread on Jonghyun’s lips as he moved closer, his free arm finding its way to Kibum’s waist, holding him in a loose embrace. Kibum had never thought about whether he was a romantic person or not. There had never been a need to think about it. However, candles walks in the moonlight, love songs and whispered promises did sound quite appealing to him, or maybe this was only what romantic movies had taught him to be romantic over the years. He wasn’t sure.

 

“Maybe I am. How about you, Mr. Kim Jonghyun? You seem to be quite the romantic as well, writing compositions, compiling mix tapes and sending packages with cute video messages in them,” Kibum retorted, sensing how Jonghyun’s fingertips quietly and secretly wandered down to the hem of his long-sleeve T-shirt. A tingling feeling spread over his skin and his body shuddered when Jonghyun’s hand slipped beneath the fabric of his clothing.

 

“I’m probably pretty romantic, but I’m also quite lazy,” Jonghyun chuckled lowly, head moving close to Kibum’s ear. “I never take you out for dates. We should change that,” he added, his voice almost a whisper, Kibum’s eyes falling shut when the older one’s tongue flicked against his earlobe. What was Jonghyun doing?

 

“We should visit an amusement park, go to an arcade, and we also have never been to a café or a restaurant together,” Jonghyun continued in a soft tone, placing kisses along Kibum’s neck after every listed suggestion. Kibum’s brain went into standby-mode, his mind lost in a sensual frenzy, neck automatically stretching to give the other more room.

 

“I also want to go camping with you, attend a concert, go to the movies, and drive to the sea…maybe next summer?” the older one proceeded casually, lips wandering along Kibum’s cheek until they stopped at the corner of his lips, the hand beneath Kibum’s T-shirt gently caressing his hip. Jonghyun’s words acted like a spell, and with every word, with every touch, Kibum was lulled deeper into the older one’s world. Only when Jonghyun’s lips found his and entangled them into a tender, cautious kiss did Kibum think about the meaning of these words. He wanted to travel the world with Jonghyun if it was possible, wanted to experience all his first times with him, but for most parts, those wouldn’t be first times for Jonghyun.

 

All of a sudden his lips stopped moving against Jonghyun’s and the older one broke their kiss, looking at Kibum in bewilderment, lips glistening with saliva.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, the hand on Kibum’s hips halting in its movements. Kibum bit his bottom lip, swallowing. Everything he did, everything he thought seemed to lead back to Sookjoo today and he hated himself for it. He lay in bed with Jonghyun, the other making future plans for them and all he could think of in return was whether Jonghyun had gone camping with his ex-girlfriend already.

 

“But you’ve done all those things already. It’s nothing special to you anymore,” Kibum mumbled, nibbling on his bottom lip.

 

“Of course it is special, silly. It’s special because I’m doing these things with you. I’m doing them with YOU for the first time.”

 

There was another soft kiss pressed against Kibum’s temple, and the high school student took a deep breath, fingers nervously stroking the sheets beneath him.

 

“You never told me how beautiful she is,” he started then, his gaze lowered to avoid Jonghyun’s eyes. He had tried to push his insecurities into the back of his mind, had tried to not bring the topic of Jonghyun’s ex-girlfriend up again, but he couldn’t help it. It seemed inevitable.

 

“Mmh?” was the other’s response and Kibum felt him shift next to him, the hand which had previously lain on his hip retrieved.

 

“Sookjoo. How can you want to be together with someone like me if you dated someone like her?”

 

Kibum felt utterly embarrassed for saying his concerns out loud, his hand continuously playing with the bed sheets beneath him.

 

“Are we really having this conversation again?” there was a sigh coming from Jonghyun’s direction who pulled his arm away from under Kibum’s head and sat up in the next moment.

 

“What conversation?”

 

“Why are you so self-conscious? There is absolutely no reason for it,” Jonghyun started, crossing his legs. “What do I have to do to make you believe me when I tell you that I love you and that you are beautiful, and that I enjoy being with you?” The older one’s voice sounded almost exasperated and he bumped his toes against Kibum, making him already feel sorry for being his over thinking nature.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just…She’s so beautiful and seeing you two interact…I…you seemed to be the perfect match,” Kibum continued, eyes wandering down to Jonghyun’s feet which kneaded his side like a kitten kneaded a soft surface with its paws before settling down on it.

 

“Kibum, think logical for one second. If we were the perfect match, we still would be together, but we aren’t. It’s in the past. I’m together with you now, and I don’t want to be together with anyone else, okay?”

 

Kibum nodded, feeling his hands become clammy. Hearing Jonghyun say these things still felt unreal and Kibum was afraid he would wake up one day only to realize that everything had been a bittersweet dream and that in reality, Jonghyun didn’t even know of his existence.

 

“I like being with you because I never have to pretend to be someone I’m not.”

 

There was a long pause and Kibum looked up at Jonghyun in confusion, not really understanding what the other was getting at.

 

“Sookjoo, Jinkyong…they always had such high expectations of me as a boyfriend, of me as a person, as a _man_. I was supposed to act a certain way. They wanted me to be more outgoing, to socialize more, and found it incredibly boring if we just spent time at home. With you it’s different. You don’t seem to expect anything from me and this takes away a lot of pressure. I can be me around you and I’m thankful for that.”

 

Jonghyun sent him a warm smile and Kibum didn’t know what to respond. Jonghyun – the boy who didn’t like to talk about his feelings – had openly spoken about his world of emotions, making him at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to say, so he stayed silent and propped himself up on his elbows instead.

 

“Being with you makes me happy,” Jonghyun said finally and drew his legs up, hugging them with his arms in thought.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Kibum stated meekly and sat up completely, facing the older one.

 

“You don’t need to say anything. I just wanted to let you know that you should stop caring about things from the past. I love you and I care about you. That’s the only thing that matters.” Jonghyun rested his chin on his knees, his voice a low mumble against the fabric of his jeans.

 

He tried to carve Jonghyun’s words into his memory one by one, so he could revert to them whenever he doubted himself or the other’s feelings again. Jonghyun was right. They lived in the present now, and the past shouldn’t matter anymore. If feelings were only less complicated and easier to control.

 

“You don’t seem too convinced.”

 

Kibum was startled when Jonghyun looked over at him, slight disappointment showing on his face. The next song began to play, a slow number called ‘ _Foolish Love’_ by Kim Dongwook, which caused the corners of Jonghyun’s lips to go upwards again for a moment.

 

“Wow…this song is so sappy,” Jonghyun quipped, straightening his posture.

 

“Shall I skip it?”

 

“No, it’s fine. I like it.”

 

The older one smiled and Kibum took another deep breath, not really knowing what to say or do. Was he expected to do something after Jonghyun’s open declaration? He was not used to hearing Jonghyun talk about his emotions, and he somehow felt pressured to say something encouraging and comforting to make sure that the older one would continue to open up to him emotionally in the future as well. However, no matter how much he thought about it, his mind was a blank space.

 

“Kibum, do you trust me?”

 

Kibum tilted his head, puzzled, a frown appearing on his forehead.

 

“Of course,” he responded without hesitation, the smile on Jonghyun’s lips widening visibly.

 

“So…will you let me try something…,” he started carefully, stretching every syllable. “…without interrupting me…or stopping me?”

 

The frown on Kibum’s face only deepened. He had no idea what Jonghyun was up to and it was also not readable by looking at the other’s face.

 

“What do you want to do?” Kibum asked, unsure, fingertips pulling at the elastic of his right sock.

 

“I’ll show you, but let’s get under your blanket first.”

 

Kibum couldn’t make anything out of Jonghyun’s cryptic statement, but from experience, he knew that if the older one suggested to ‘try something’ it usually involved the exposure of skin, the thought alone making him tingle in anticipation and his cheeks heat up. It only took them a few moments until both of their bodies were covered by Kibum’s thick blue blanket, the younger one holding his breath when Jonghyun scrambled above him, hands placed on either side of his head. Jonghyun was barely touching him, but he could clearly feel the heat radiating from the other’s body.

 

The older kissed him shortly after, not giving any notice in advance. It was a subtle play of lips and Kibum could feel how Jonghyun sank down onto his elbows, their bodies finally coming into contact. Jonghyun was hardly moving above him, but the slow and languid rubs of his pelvis against him were enough to quicken Kibum’s breathing.

 

“Kibum…,” Jonghyun whispered between kisses, his lips slowly finding their way to Kibum’s neck. The younger only responded with a hum, his hands wandering to Jonghyun’s sides, fingertips clinging to the fabric of Jonghyun’s hoodie. “You can stop me…but…,” another set of kisses was placed on Kibum’s skin who felt his body tremble beneath the other’s touches. How could butterfly kisses be so pleasurable? “…only if you really don’t like it, okay? Don’t stop me, because you feel a little embarrassed at first. There is no reason for it. Besides we have this blanket here.”

 

Only slowly it dawned on Kibum what the other might be up to and he already wanted to protest when Jonghyun’s lips found their way back to his, silencing him with a deep, longing kiss. He wasn’t going to… _was he_?

 

“I got the theory down…and I so want to learn more about the praxis.”

 

Jonghyun sounded so eager that Kibum didn’t know what to say, his mind feeling mushy and his body reacting to the other’s teasing movements without his consent. He felt himself getting hard, but as desperately as he tried to bring some distance between himself and Jonghyun the other was preventing him successfully from doing so, using a little more pressure to hold him down with his weight every time Kibum tried to wiggle his way out of the other’s little play. It was illogical because there was nothing Kibum wished more for than feeling Jonghyun’s body as close as possible, touching his lips and tongue, his fingers… _his skin_. 

 

If he only felt a little less embarrassed. Kibum still didn’t trust his body around Jonghyun, no matter how ridiculous that might sound. It made him feel awkward to know that the older one could clearly feel how aroused their little foreplay made him.

 

“Don’t be embarrassed, Kibum. Just relax, okay?”

 

Kibum felt Jonghyun’s fingertips caress his temples and when his eyelids fluttered open he looked directly at the other’s face that watched him with a gentle smile. Just relax, Kibum, he told himself, and nodded to signalize Jonghyun that he was going to try his best. Before he knew what was happening Jonghyun’s head disappeared beneath the blanket and Kibum was left with looking at a small hill of blue sheets protruding from where his belly was. His breath faltered when his sweater was pushed up beneath the blanket, his tummy involuntarily curving inwards as he felt Jonghyun’s tongue and lips ghost over the skin near his belly button.

 

Jonghyun was under the sheets, his lips kissing a trail down Kibum’s stomach, fingernails softly scratching along his sides, breath ghosting over his sensitive skin. Kibum’s head became fuzzy, all kind of thoughts tumbling through his mind. The most prominent one of them was what Jonghyun would do in the next few minutes. He tried to concentrate on the music coming from his speakers, tried not to get too worked up over kisses on his stomach. However, it was a hopeless task, because with every kiss, with every lick, with every little suck on his skin Kibum could feel his body give in further into Jonghyun’s caresses, his cheeks flushed, eyes tightly shut, his initial resistance falling apart.

 

He bit his lip when he felt Jonghyun’s fingers hovering above the button of his jeans, and his fingers curled around the rim of his bed sheets, his whole body tensed like the string on a guitar. There seemed to be a moment of hesitation and Kibum was sure that Jonghyun only waited for some sort of protest from his side, but this time he wouldn’t do anything, this time he wouldn’t grab Jonghyun’s hand to stop everything. He wanted this, and somehow he believed that he didn’t only want it, but really needed it.

 

A few seconds later he heard the sound of a zipper being opened and sensed fingers, which brushed cautiously over his crotch. As if his body was on autopilot he raised his hips as Jonghyun’s hands tried to pull down his jeans and his underwear. When his pants and boxers found their way onto his bedroom floor soon afterwards he suddenly felt utterly exposed despite the fact he was still covered by a blanket.

 

Jonghyun’s hands caressed his thighs, the sensation sending signals right to his crotch, and he figured that probably his whole body was one big erogenous zone, at least if it was touched by the older one. His body shook when one of Jonghyun’s hands found his penis in the darkness, fingers curling around the shaft without any shyness.

 

It took Kibum several seconds to process the fact that this was indeed happening, that Jonghyun’s hand had really found its way between his legs, and that this wasn’t one of his nightly wet dreams. The realization was amazing and intimidating at the same time. In his dreams, everything happened on its own without him needing to do anything, but now he wasn’t sure what the generally accepted etiquette was. Was there even etiquette for these kinds of situations?

 

All thoughts were blown away when he felt something wet tentatively touch the head of his erection, his hand automatically flying up to his face, palm pressing down onto his mouth to stifle a throaty moan.

 

Was this really happening?

 

There were a few testing licks along his shaft, some more along the tip, and others spread over his whole length. Kibum didn’t think about what Jonghyun might think about his penis, or if he liked what he was doing, at that moment all Kibum could focus on were the electrifying sensations that clattered through his body, setting every limb on fire. He felt himself getting even harder with every delicate touch, his chest feeling heavy.

 

“Is that okay?”

 

The muffled sound coming from beneath the blanket brought Kibum down from his high for a second, a non-coherent sound leaving his lips in response. A low chuckle reached his ears and he bit his lip, trying not to feel embarrassed. It was challenging.

 

“How about that?”

 

The sensation he felt next was so intense that his body jerked, a deep moan he couldn’t hold back leaving his lips. Jonghyun’s plush wet lips engulfing the head of his erection had to be the best feeling in the world, Kibum assumed, his mind losing all its capacity to think straight.

 

To more experienced people Jonghyun’s actions probably would have appeared a little clumsy and unskillful, but Kibum was in heaven. Jonghyun’s head bobbed slowly and a little unrhythmical up and down, and Kibum tried to think of anything but Jonghyun between his legs, not wanting to cum as quickly as he had the last time they had been intimate. He thought about school, he thought about food, he even thought about cartoons, but all that didn’t help when Jonghyun started to flick his tongue against the underside of the tip of his penis, softly sucking on him.

 

He didn’t know what made him do it, but it didn’t feel right to only feel the other, Jonghyun’s body completely hidden beneath his sheets. So he did the only logical thing by pushing the blanket aside, cool air washing over him, and covering his skin in goosebumps almost immediately. Kibum didn’t mind though because his eyes automatically fell down to the young man between his legs, who was all flushed and gorgeous looking, his hair a complete mess, cheeks slightly hollowed, lips red and shining wetly. His heart beat frantically in his chest, and he reached out a hand, burying it in Jonghyun’s disheveled hair, the other looking up at him, the eye contact almost making him come on the spot.

 

This was so much better than watching porn. So much better than sitting in his swivel chair, and browsing the internet with his left hand to find some nightly entertainment. Kibum’s face was red he could feel it, but for once he didn’t care. It didn’t take long until the pressure inside of him got too much, his body shaking, fingers holding onto Jonghyun’s hair, and lips pressing together tightly.

 

“Jonghyun…I think…I am…,” he stuttered, his abdomen twitching. He wanted to give the other a chance to pull away, but Jonghyun stayed and only tightened the grip of his hand around the base, his mouth sucking for a few more times before Kibum’s abdomen shuddered violently, his whole body trembling, a long, loud moan leaving his lips, a deep frown deeply drawn on his forehead. Kibum tried to hold the eye contact but failed, his head dropping back, eyes falling shut, wave after wave rushing through him, his body turning into lead.

 

So this was what most boys dreamed of and wished for after hitting puberty and watching porn for the first time. Kibum felt enlightened in an odd kind of way. It had really happened. Jonghyun had really gone down on him, and it had felt amazing. He had dreamed of this for so long, and couldn’t really comprehend the reality of the situation.

 

“Wow…so bitter...and so…so slimy.”

 

Kibum lazily opened his eyes when he heard Jonghyun’s voice, seeing the other sit between his legs, fore and middle finger placed on his bottom lip, face screwed up a little in distaste.

 

“Sorry?” Kibum offered, although he wasn’t quite sure if there was a need for an apology. He still swam in an ocean of post orgasm bliss, one hand lazily holding his belly while the other swept some strands of hair away.

 

“What for? For tasting bitter and being slimy?” Jonghyun quipped, the disgusted look on his face immediately exchanged by a wide grin. “There is really nothing you can do about the consistency. However, I read that including cinnamon in one’s regular diet helps to make it taste better,” he added on a serious note before his eyes blatantly went down his form, making Kibum realize only then that his protection in form of a blanket was gone and he was completely naked from his chest downwards. He instantly pulled his sweater down, looking for the easiest way to bring the blanket back over his exposed bottom half. As if Jonghyun had read his mind, the older took his place next to him again in the following moment and pulled the blanket over them both in the process.

 

“You really don’t have any reason to hide anything, Kibum…just saying,” Jonghyun stated with a wink, looked for Kibum’s hand beneath the blanket, and intertwined their fingers when he found it.

 

“Was it okay for you?” he asked then, head resting against Kibum’s shoulder. If it was okay? It had been amazing, overwhelming, dazzling, all-consuming, life changing, mind-blowing.

 

“It was really nice,” he said instead, his voice coming out a little tired.

 

“I’m sorry for being a complete noob, but I will do my best to become better at it. I think it’s like learning how to play an instrument…only practice makes perfect,” Jonghyun rambled, nose nuzzling in the crook of his neck. “In the past few weeks, I read so much about giving head. People seem to make an art form out of it. I wanted to try so much, but it was so damn hot under the blanket, and I was so worried about not using any teeth. I didn’t think it would be this exhausting. My mouth feels like it has done some two-hour workout.”

 

Thinking of Jonghyun going through the hassle of browsing the internet in search for tips on how to give a blowjob had to be the sweetest gesture ever, because it showed how serious he was about all of this, about Kibum, about their relationship, about accepting the fact that they were two males.

 

“You really did some research?” Kibum made sure, moving his head a little to look at Jonghyun’s face.

 

“Yeah, it was quite the revelation. As…you know…being on the receiving end until now I’ve never really contemplated it. But…there are so many different ways and techniques. It’s quite overwhelming and deserves my utmost respect,” Jonghyun babbled on, and the light-heartedness with which he talked about the topic also made Kibum feel less awkward. The younger one hummed in response and let go of Jonghyun’s hand, to pull the older one in an embrace, hugging him close to his chest.

 

“Thank you,” he said lowly, resting his chin on Jonghyun’s head that was on eye level with his collarbones. He was sure that it had taken some time for Jonghyun to process the idea of having another penis in his mouth, and this thought made Kibum even more thankful for the other’s open-mindedness.

 

“I just want us to become closer, you know…emotionally just as much as physically,” Jonghyun mumbled against his skin, hand gliding beneath Kibum’s sweater to stroke his back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 19**

 

“What do you want to watch?”

Kibum turned around to face Jonghyun who crouched on the floor next to him and pulled a pair of loose black cotton shorts and an extra-large black tank top out of his sports bag. Kibum’s mom was still not at home and after spending two hours cuddling in bed, talking about nothing but childish nonsense, the boys had decided to make some ramyeon and watch a movie on the younger one’s computer.

“You never really like my movie choices, so go ahead…show me something from your Disney collection,” Jonghyun teased with a wink before he got up and bluntly pulled his hoodie over his head. Naturally one would look away out of respect for the other’s privacy, but Kibum’s eyes stayed fixed on the other’s slim waist, and the rips that showed under his skin when he took off the warm article of clothing.

“So cheeky,” Jonghyun commented with a smirk and held his hoodie in front of his chest as if he felt uncomfortable by the other’s open stares.

“Sorry,” was all Kibum replied meekly before turning back to his computer, opening his folder with downloaded movies. When he heard the rustling of fabric behind him he wanted to check on the other again but didn’t think it would be appropriate to watch the other change into his sleeping clothes any longer. Instead, he simply imagined it, coughing slightly when his fantasy went a little too far and made him lose focus.

“There is a movie that came out a few years ago that caused quite the controversy. I downloaded it a while ago, but haven’t watched it yet,” Kibum began to explain, partly because he wanted to distract himself from visualizing Jonghyun half-naked behind him, and because he wanted to give the other the option of refusing to watch the movie.

“What kind of controversy?”

Jonghyun stepped behind Kibum then, placing his head on the other’s shoulder and embracing him with his arms. The corners of Kibum’s lips lifted automatically and he glanced down at the other’s hands on his tummy, feeling all lovey-dovey inside.  
  
  
“The movie was made by the first openly gay filmmaker in Korea, and well the story is about two gay guys. It caused quite the uproar within the conservative party. They wanted to ban the movie, but luckily they weren’t successful. It was praised by international film critics for portraying gay men not as typical stereotypes. I haven’t watched it, so I’m not quite sure about the plot, but I’m curious about it,” he explained further and clicked on an image in the movie’s folder that showed two men whispering into each other’s ears with a smile on their faces.

  
“Sounds good,” Jonghyun nodded in agreement and let go of Kibum to grab the tray with a pot of freshly made ramyeon, a small bowl with rice and some kimchi on it from his desk. They had added some egg and chopped scallions into the mix while cooking the dish, and the spicy smell slowly but surely started to fill up Kibum’s room.

  
With a double-click on his mouse, Kibum started the film and turned up the volume on his speakers before he went over to the bed and settled down next to Jonghyun. They put two pillows behind their backs and leaned against the wall, Kibum grabbing his blanket to lay it out on their knees.

  
“Well, if that’s not an interesting intro, then I don’t know what is,” Jonghyun commented while slurping some noodles into his mouth, head hovering close above the ramyeon pot. Kibum shoved some rice and kimchi into his mouth in the meantime, watching how a young man swam naked in a rather cold looking river. “His butt is so pale in contrast to the rest of his body,” he added jokingly and held up some noodles with his chopsticks for Kibum to taste. A little awkwardly the younger one leaned forward and angled for the noodles hanging from the pair of chopsticks, a sweet spiciness filling up his mouth.

  
“Is it good?”

  
Kibum nodded and gave Jonghyun a thumbs up, the older one smiling brightly at him.

  
They watched the movie almost in complete silence, shoulder against shoulder, knee against knee, fingers playing with each other beneath the blanket. The room was tinted in a deep gray, only the screen of Kibum’s computer giving off some light. It was a cozy atmosphere, and Kibum wasn’t able to wash the smile off his face. Having Jonghyun all to himself was great, and even the simplest things like watching a movie together appeared special to him. After a rough start into their ‘date’ together Kibum’s mood had skyrocketed after their intimate time in his bed. He still couldn’t believe that Jonghyun had really given him a blowjob. Whenever he looked at the other’s lips now, he had to think of where they had been just a few hours ago, and it made his hormones tumble down into the drain. He had never thought about it before, but Jonghyun’s lips had the perfect shape for giving head. At least that’s how Kibum imagined perfect blowjob lips to look like.

  
“What are you thinking about?”

  
Startled Kibum looked up, feeling caught and flustered. He shouldn’t think about the other in this shallow way – at least not as long as Jonghyun was sitting right next to him. He could come back to these thoughts when he felt lonely at night again.

  
“Nothing,” he answered quickly, and Jonghyun hummed in response, leaning his head against Kibum’s shoulder.

  
“It has to be hard to live your life like this, don’t you think? Selling your body for money? Sleeping with complete strangers who see nothing more in you than a mere sex toy?” Jonghyun said absentmindedly after a while, drawing along the lines of Kibum’s palm with his forefinger. “What if people who work in these establishments don’t find their true love who will rescue them like in the movies? Do they continue to work there for years? At what age are they considered too old for this job? At 25, 30, 35? And what are these people doing afterwards? Where do they work? Will they be able to get out of the entertainment sector? What if you have an interview and they ask you for previous job experiences? What do they answer? Stripping on tables and sucking cock?”

  
Kibum was surprised at the gush of words that came out of the other’s mouth all of a sudden, concerned questions that lined up like pearls on a necklace. Apparently, the movie’s content had left an impact on the older one.

  
“As sad as this might sound, but I think the majority of people stay in this sort of business all their lives. They most likely won’t sell their bodies forever, but they will stay in the industry. There is probably only a small percentage that makes it out of there. The money is just too tempting and finding another job is too hard, I guess,” Kibum answered, following the events on the screen curiously.

  
“Things like this always make me realize how privileged I am. It’s unfair that not everyone has the same chances in life only because they aren’t born into the ‘right’ environment,” Jonghyun contemplated, his fingers making quotation marks when he used the word right. “I wonder what makes people go to a brothel,” he added thoughtfully and glanced at Kibum for a short moment before his eyes went back to the movie.

  
“Prostitution is as old as men’s desire to have sex. There are many different reasons for someone to visit a prostitute. Loneliness, insecurities resulting from a low self-esteem, fear of rejection by someone you can’t pay for love, a feeling of dominance, sexual confusion…etc. There are countless reasons,” Kibum started to list, and tried to contemplate all motives why he would visit a brothel, not that he ever imagined stepping inside of one.

  
Jonghyun nodded in agreement, a sigh leaving his lips.

  
“I can’t imagine having sex with someone I don’t care about. I mean…yes…sex is a physical thing and at some point, your brain shuts down and your sex drive kicks in, but isn’t the feeling much better if you are intimate with someone you know and care about?”

  
Kibum wondered if Jonghyun had just asked a rhetorical question or if he expected to receive an answer from someone who hadn’t had sex yet. After a moment of thought he wanted to open his mouth to reply something, but when he heard the front door open, his posture automatically straightened.

  
“It seems my mom is back,” he announced instead and waited for her to knock on his door. It was inevitable. She was a curious person just like he was, and Kibum was sure that her maternal instinct left her no other choice but to check on her precious son who had spent the past hours with his boyfriend alone in her apartment. The front door fell shut, and Kibum heard footsteps shuffling over the floor.

  
“I give her twenty seconds,” he whispered and already got up from the bed to pause the movie, not wanting his mom to find them in his room, watching naked men dancing around on tables.

  
“Twenty seconds for what?” Jonghyun wondered, hiding a yawn behind his hand. Before the younger could even respond a knock could be heard, and he smiled triumphantly. He knew her too well.

  
“Come in.”

  
With that, the door was opened and Kibum’s mom took a peek inside, screwing up her nose in disgust.

  
“Oh my, it smells like someone died in here. Didn’t you air the room at some point? Teenager boys,” she sighed and shook her head, her hand moving to the light switch in the next second. “Why is it so dark in here?” she then asked and turned on the light, both boys immediately blinking their eyes with a grunt.

  
“Mom!” Kibum complained loudly, shielding his eyes from the sudden brightness. Spoken in modern terms one might call his mother a so-called – cock blocker – and the previous coziness of their little movie night had been wiped away with a single hand movement.

  
“Good evening, Mrs. Kim,” Jonghyun greeted her politely and bowed his head, showing off the best version of himself like he always did when he was around Kibum’s mother.

  
“Hello Jonghyun, it’s been a while. It’s nice to see you again.” There was a sudden smile on his mother’s lips, and Kibum couldn’t do much but forgive her for being a nosy mom. She was supportive and liked Jonghyun. Maybe not interrupting his evening with the other was just too much to ask for. She wouldn’t stay in his room forever anyway.

  
“How was open house day? Did you two have fun?” Kibum’s mom looked at both of them in interest before she entered the room and went straight up to her son’s bedroom window to open it.

  
“It was fun. We even watched some performances. You would have liked it there,” Kibum explained shortly, following his mother’s movements with prying eyes.

  
“That’s nice to hear. However, I wished you would finally make up your mind on what you want to do with your life, honey.”

  
Kibum rolled his eyes when she turned towards him and grabbed the abandoned food tray from his desk, sending him a worried look.

  
“Mom, please not that again. It’s past 10 pm on a Saturday,” he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Every now and then Kibum’s mother would bring up the topic of his future plans, and it always ended in them fighting over it. She was convinced that people had no chance of surviving Korea’s employment market without a proper university education. Maybe she was right, but Kibum didn’t want to hear anything about it, especially not if Jonghyun was with them.

  
“Look at Jonghyun. He knows what he wants to do with his life, he has plans and works hard for them.”

  
Kibum bit his lip in annoyance. That was something else she liked to do, comparing her son to other people around his age, be it the children of colleagues or friends, or in this case the one person he didn’t want to be compared with…Jonghyun.

  
“Comparing us is like comparing a bicycle with a Ferrari. He has talent…and I…,” he stopped mid-sentence, shoulders slumping down, a sigh leaving his lips. Thanks mom for ruining my mood, was all he thought, pinching the bridge of his nose in desperation.

  
“But you have talent, Kibum…so much of it.”

  
When Kibum looked over to his bed Jonghyun pointed at the drawings and paintings above his head on the wall, causing a little smile to form on Kibum’s lips. Jonghyun was good at saying the right things at the right time.

  
“You know that I only want the best for you, right? My pretty boy,” Kibum’s mom then said and moved over to her son to grab him by the neck with her free hand, pulling him a little downwards to place a kiss on his forehead.

  
“I know,” Kibum sighed in defeat and tried to smile at her.

  
“Sleep tight, you two. Don’t stay up too late. I put the roll mat, a blanket, and a pillow into the living room.”

  
“Goodnight, mom.”

  
“Goodnight, Mrs. Kim.”

  
With that Kibum’s mother exited the room, leaving the two young men alone again.

  
“Bicycles are way more convenient.”

  
“Huh?” A little surprised Kibum looked over at Jonghyun again who had moved to the edge of the bed, feet firmly placed on the carpet.

  
“You can use bicycles to go anywhere and they make everyone happy…kids just as much as adults. You can ride them along the coast, the mountains, the forest, small villages, and bigger places, in the narrowest streets…they are awesome. Ferraris are only for people who don’t know what to do with their money and look for some kind of status symbol. Despite that…we don’t live in Germany. What do you want with a fast car if you can only speed up with it to 75mhp on the highway? Such a waste.”  
Kibum titled his head and furrowed his brow, clicking the play button on his video program to turn the movie back on.

  
“What are you trying to say?” he asked while he moved over to the light switch, his posture immediately relaxing when the cozy darkness from before found its way back into his room.

  
“Didn’t you just tell your mom that I’m a Ferrari and you are a bicycle, or did I misunderstand your comparison?”

  
“I did,” Kibum nodded, and settled down onto the bed again, the older one immediately grabbing his hand to cup it with his.

  
“Nonsense. Complete nonsense. I’m not better than you in any way. Let’s both be bicycles, and enjoy places a Ferrari can never go to,” he added before he leaned over and bumped the tip of his nose against Kibum’s cheek, the younger one’s face automatically heating up again.

  
***

  
It was around 1 am when they tiptoed through the corridor to get the sleeping utensils for Jonghyun after both of them had been to the bathroom to brush their teeth. They wouldn’t need the roll mat because Kibum wanted Jonghyun to share his bed with him again, but it might make his mum suspicious if she found the things still neatly placed on their couch in the morning. So they tried to be as quiet as possible on their quick journey, Jonghyun carrying blanket and pillow and Kibum the roll mat.

“I really like how your bedclothes smell,” Jonghyun whispered when they were back in Kibum’s room, his nose buried in the pillow.

“Why?”

“The smell reminds me of you.”

A smile crept onto Kibum’s face who tried to hide it by placing the roll mat next to his desk. It always made his heart flutter whenever Jonghyun said something cheesy that still sounded so genuine. Even in movies Kibum always had been one to appreciate the small things; indirect compliments, the slight brush of a hand, eyes that lingered for longer than necessary. He probably was really a romantic at heart.

“What are you going to read me tonight?”

Kibum was pulled out of his thoughts when Jonghyun talked to him again, and when he turned around the older one was back on his bed, leaning slightly backwards, his hands placed next to him on the mattress.

“You think you won’t be able to fall asleep again?”

“I don’t know, but either way I liked you reading me something. It’s soothing,” Jonghyun admitted with a crooked smile, and scrambled to the top of the bed, slipping beneath the blanket. It was a cute picture; Jonghyun lying as close to the wall as possible, his head bedded on the pillow they had brought back with them, and hands innocently folded above the blanket.

“Fine then,” Kibum agreed with a nod and moved over to his bookshelf, eyes wandering over the spine of every single book. He wasn’t in the mood for a fairy tale, but also didn’t want something too challenging for a bedtime story.

“This one is perfect for a goodnight story. Have you ever read The Neverending Story?” he asked and pulled out a green hardback, a black and a white snake which bit into each other’s tail and forming an oval gracing the cover of the heavy book.

“I know the movie! That luckdragon was amazing,” Jonghyun exclaimed and clapped his hands together.

“The book is different to the movie,” Kibum stated in a serious tone and walked over to his bed, a bubble of excitement inflating in his stomach at the prospect of sharing his bed with the older one once again. He wished that every day could be spent like this, only them having time to themselves, time to get to know each other better, time to touch and kiss, to explore one another.

He felt a twitch in his nether regions when he pondered over the word ‘explore’ and instantly tried to think of something less sexual, something that didn’t have any impact on his body functions. The memories of their afternoon together had really increased the level of hormones raving in his body – if that was even possible –, his mind drifting back to the feeling of complete bliss he had felt.

He crawled into the bed next to Jonghyun, his bedside lamp casting a warm, nice glow onto them. As soon as he settled down the other grabbed his arm and pulled it around his neck, Jonghyun’s head snuggling up into the crook of his arm. Kibum couldn’t exactly pinpoint it, but something was different about the other today. He had been touchy-feely from day one but in a more straightforward and dominant fashion. This felt more intimate. It showed a different side of him, a more vulnerable one maybe?

“Every time you space out I wonder what you are thinking about.”

Jonghyun wagged his hand in front of Kibum’s face, which made the younger focus again, eyes wandering to the mop of dark hair resting on his right arm. I’m always thinking about you was something Kibum would have loved to say, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled his legs to his chest as a support for the book and flipped it open with his unoccupied hand, smoothing the printed paper with his fingers.

“You know what’s interesting about this book? Originally it had 26 chapters, and every chapter started with the next letter of the Latin alphabet. Sadly this didn’t work for the Korean translation, but I think it’s a cool idea to structure a book like this,” Kibum began while looking at the first page, Jonghyun’s hand holding onto one corner of the book when it was about to flip shut again.

“Do you know why the author did that?”

“I have no idea,” Kibum shook his head before he took a deep breath and started reading the first chapter out loud. The story was about a young boy who was an outsider at school in the real world only to become the hero in a different one. As a kid, Kibum had fancied the idea of being sucked into the world of books to escape the real world. Unfortunately, no late night reading session had ever brought him to the magical world of Fantastica where one could ride on luckdragons and run around with color changing lions.

Jonghyun didn’t comment on much this time and only pointed out some differences to the movie every now and then, his body pressing closer to Kibum’s with every page they finished, making the younger one shiver every single time. They spent around twenty minutes like this before a disgruntled sound left Jonghyun’s lips as he kicked the blanket away from his side of the bed.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s so hot. Is it okay for you if I take my tee off?”

Kibum arched an eyebrow, not really knowing what the other expected him to reply. Having a shirtless boy lying next to him had definitely both its advantages and disadvantages. He could look at Jonghyun’s body and could feel his skin, which was nice, but having the other served on a plate like this would most likely set his imagination on fire.

“Sure,” he answered sheepishly, and within a second Jonghyun sat up on the mattress to pull his tank top over his head. “That’s better…much better.”

With a relieved sigh he sank back again and threw his top on the floor in a high arch.

“Now you can continue,” Jonghyun urged the younger one on by poking him in the side, his head nestling in the crook of Kibum’s arm again. Kibum wondered whether Jonghyun really felt hot or if he only wanted to provoke the other into having indecent thoughts. Either way, it was hard for Kibum to concentrate from then on, his eyes peeking down the other’s chest more often than he liked to admit. Jonghyun’s body was small and lanky, but Kibum was a hormonal teenager and terribly in love with the other, so even a patch of skin could set his imagination onto a journey.

By the time Kibum reached chapter three Jonghyun was sound asleep, arm lazily lying on the younger’s stomach, face resting against his chest. Kibum didn’t dare to move, awkwardly maneuvering the book to the ground without moving an inch. He couldn’t reach the switch of his bedside lamp either so he let it be. His arm beneath Jonghyun’s head was asleep already, and it felt uncomfortable, but the last thing he wanted to do was to wake the older one up again, so he accepted his fate, eyes pausing on the other’s form. Having Jonghyun fall asleep before him gave him at least the chance to look at the other without the fear of being caught. It had been an eventful day that had given him a new insight of Jonghyun’s personality. Kibum wondered how long it would take him to see through all layers of the other’s character. How long it would take him to completely know him. Weeks, months, or even years? Maybe it would even take a lifetime.

A lifetime.

Would they know each other that long? Would they be able to stay together for that long without getting tired of each other’s presence? Kibum’s heart sank, and a low sigh left his lips, fingers hesitantly stroking the other’s black hair. They were still so young and no one could tell what the world had in store for them in future. This uncertainty scared Kibum. School, graduation, work, university, money, life…love, everything was unclear to him, and sometimes he wished he could take a look at his life ten years from now. He would be twenty-seven by then, an age that felt incredible old to him.

Kibum closed his eyes then and tried to adjust his breathing to the other’s, listening to the steady rhythm of Jonghyun’s heartbeat. The stable thumping was relaxing and soon he became sleepy, his thoughts gradually drifting into nothingness before he finally fell asleep with the other in his arms.  
  
  
***

  
Kibum woke up from a weird dream that had included Jonghyun as a little fairy with flowers on his head and wings on his back who had helped him to find the way to a hidden island. In bewilderment he opened his eyes and rubbed them, blinking several times until his eyesight adjusted to the semi-darkness of the room. The bedside lamp was still on, illuminating his bed in a soft glow. Somehow their position had changed during the night, because now Jonghyun’s back was turned towards him, and the arm that previously had been occupied by the other’s head was now stuck between their bodies. The other had pushed his side of the blanket down to his hips, his chest heaving with every breath he took.

Scratching his nose Kibum took a look at the other’s back, counting the moles he found there; two bigger ones right next to each other at the level of his shoulder blades and fifteen smaller ones spread all over his skin from his neck down to the small of his back. It almost looked like a constellation. Still drowsy from sleep he started to connect the little dots with his forefinger like a search picture for children, flinching when Jonghyun arched his back with a grumble.

“What are you doing? That tickles” he mumbled lowly, pulling his shoulder blades together.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up,” was all Kibum responded before the other turned around, watching him through tiny eyes. The other’s face was flushed, and he had the pattern of the pillow printed on his cheek, his hair falling chaotically into his face. He looked like an absolute mess, but Kibum still considered him as absolutely adorable. Jonghyun only replied with a hum and closed his eyes again, arms reaching out to pull the younger one into a loose embrace, leg hugging his waist.

Kibum swallowed when he felt something hard press against his crotch, his senses on the alert suddenly. He was less surprised by the fact that the other had a morning erection than by the fact that he had an undeniable urge to touch it. Kibum wasn’t quite sure if this was a normal desire to have or if he was just being weird. He nibbled on his bottom lip while Jonghyun’s head rested close to his, a peaceful expression adorning his features. Kibum had done this before, there was no need to be shy about it, but he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to touch Jonghyun while he still looked like he wanted to sleep.

His heart thumped against his ribcage, his fingers placed on the other’s back. With every unconscious move, the other made he could feel the other’s erection brush against him, the contact leaving quite the effect on him as he slowly became hard himself. Kibum pressed his eyelids closely together and thought about school and the upcoming exams, but his body was relentless, leaving him with no self-control. It seemed to have developed a mind of its own, deciding that it had enough of Kibum’s prudish attitude. While Jonghyun cuddled with him without having any indecent thoughts Kibum fought an inner battle between his head in his crotch. For his imagination it hadn’t been a good idea that the older one had brought him such pleasurable feelings the previous day, because now it seemed that some part of his brain associated Jonghyun with only that feeling, wanting to experience it over and over again.

Almost five minutes of reasoning with himself passed before he finally gave in to the temptation, the hand, which lay on Jonghyun’s back slowly and awkwardly moving to the front of the other’s pants. His heart pumped wildly in his chest as he watched the older one for any kind of reaction, trembling fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his shorts and boxers. He felt warm skin and a nest of curly hair before his fingertips came in contact with the other’s erection, his breath faltering.

Kibum halted for a second and scanned Jonghyun’s face for some change in his expression, but it stayed blank. It was either because the other had really fallen asleep again or because Jonghyun wanted to let him test the waters without feeling watched. If the first option turned out to be true, things could get awkward, and if it was the second one then Kibum was thankful because this way he was able to get accustomed to the feeling again.

Cautiously his hand wandered over the stretched out skin, his fingertips feeling the length and every vein beneath them. His eyes stayed on Jonghyun all the while and when he saw a slight twitching of his lips that suggested a smile, Kibum knew that the other was well awake and knew what was happening.

“I know you are awake,” he whispered bravely, fingers stroking along the softness of the other’s testicles before closing them around the shaft. The hinted smile widened and Jonghyun opened one eye, mischief twinkling in it.

“My…my…Aren’t we a little bold today?” Jonghyun teased playfully, voice throaty, his fingers stroking along Kibum’s stomach.

“As if you don’t like that.”

For a moment Kibum stopped his movements, frowning. Did they just flirt with each other? In some weird twisted way? Kim Kibum – the person who always ended up being the most awkward version of himself around his boyfriend – had actually replied to something without it being embarrassing? Jonghyun seemed just as surprised as he was and arched one of his eyebrows, opening his other eye as well.

“I actually do like that a lot,” he then admitted truthfully, hand gliding straight to the younger one’s boxers. “May I?”

Kibum only nodded in response, his body tensing when Jonghyun mimicked his actions and let his hand slide beneath the waistband of his underwear, fingers firmly gripping his erection without a second of hesitation.

There they were on a Sunday morning in Kibum’s bed, facing each other while having the other’s hard penis in their hand. If someone had told Kibum about this a few weeks ago, he probably would have laughed and would have turned as bright red as a tomato. It was hard to act on his instincts rather than his fears, but with every day he spent with Jonghyun, he visibly became better at dealing with his anxieties. Maybe sooner or later he would be able to overcome them completely.

Jonghyun was the first one to move his hand, his strokes slow but confident. Kibum’s abdomen twitched in return, and he gritted his teeth, hand starting to glide along the other’s length as well. There was no rush, and Kibum tried to hold the other’s gaze without looking down bashfully, matching the rhythm of the other’s movements with his hand. It was hard to concentrate on Jonghyun when different sensations started to bubble up in his lower regions, making his breathing faster, and his body shiver.

“Good?” the older asked under his breath, tongue swiping over his own bottom lip.

“Yeah…you?” Kibum answered briefly, their broken sentences making them both smile involuntarily. When Jonghyun bent forward to place a soft kiss on Kibum’s lips the younger one’s eyes fell shut after all, his focus wandering to the other’s mouth. Morning kisses weren’t the nicest thing on earth when it came to taste, but somehow Kibum felt like they won in regards to emotion. There was something about the lazy, languid exchange of affections after just waking up that wasn’t comparable to anything else. It made Kibum’s head swim in a sea of endorphins.

Kibum wanted this intimate moment to last, but his orgasm approached so suddenly that he felt a little embarrassed for coming so quickly. He couldn’t do much about it, his hand letting go of Jonghyun’s erection only to grab for the other’s hips, burying his nails deep into the soft skin, toes curling, and his body jolting. The feeling of being touched by someone else in such a private manner was still too new and too exciting for him. When the pressure inside of him was impossible to withstand any longer, he let go, his mind going blank for a moment as he spilled semen onto himself, Jonghyun and his bedsheets. The intense feeling lasted only for a couple of seconds before a sweet numbness settled in his stomach, the strokes on his shaft becoming slower and slower until they stopped completely.

He felt Jonghyun press a kiss to his temple as he lay there, helpless, his mind filled with abstract images. Only when the older one cleared his throat next to him he remembered what he had been doing before his orgasm, his eyes opening again to look at Jonghyun.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured then and brought his hand back to the other’s penis just to be met by Jonghyun’s hand which pushed his own a little further south.

“Can you…maybe hold them and touch them a bit? I really like that,” Jonghyun admitted in a small voice, the look on his face showing a hint of embarrassment.

“Sure,” was the short, astonished reply before Kibum started to touch the other’s balls, and gently caressed them with his fingers. Meanwhile, Jonghyun’s hand began to jerk himself off, the older one’s mouth finding him again. For future references Kibum made a note that the other was fond of touching his testicles while masturbating, the thought being quite stimulating for his imagination. Kibum had never really paid much attention to this part of his own body when he spend some time with himself, so he had no idea what he was doing, but he seemed to be doing something right, because it only took a short while until Jonghyun broke their kiss, breathed heavily against his mouth, a low moan leaving his lips when he came, the muscles in his chest contracting.

Some time passed before Jonghyun calmed down again, his eyes tightly shut, lips parted and glistening. They had made a lot of progress in the past 24 hours, and Kibum was proud of himself; proud that he had thought less about the things that embarrassed him and the things that could go wrong, and had listened more to the things he really wanted to do instead.

“I think we made a big mess,” was the first thing Jonghyun said with a cheeky grin after they lay next to each other in silence for several minutes.

“Yeah, I should try to clean the sheets before putting them in the wash. Otherwise, my mother is going to ask questions I don’t really want to answer,” Kibum replied with a low chuckle, a look between them making the mix of semen on his blue sheets way too real. He leaned over to his nightstand then and grabbed his box of tissues, handing a bunch of them over to Jonghyun before he took some for himself and started to clean himself up.

“Yah, Kibum,” Jonghyun began suddenly and the younger one looked up from cleaning his navel, gazing at the other in curiosity. “I really liked that,” he added with a smile and sat up, crumpling up the used tissues into a ball.

“What exactly?”

“I really liked you doing something on your own accord without feeling embarrassed about it. That’s sexy.”

At this moment Kibum’s expression probably mostly resembled the one of a shocked hamster whose food had been stolen. Sexy? That was definitely a word he had never expected to hear from someone. He was many things, but he was quite sure that sexy was not on that list. An embarrassed laugh left his lips as he straightened his T-shirt and got up, taking his own and Jonghyun’s tissues to throw them into the garbage.

“Give me a moment. I’ll grab something to clean this up and will come back again,” he announced without responding to Jonghyun’s comment and left the room, exhaling deeply when he had closed the door behind himself. He first had to digest that comment before he could say anything about it.

The apartment was silent around him and Kibum wasn’t sure whether his mother was still asleep or just really quietly sitting somewhere. He didn’t bother to look for her and went straight to the bathroom instead, wetting a washcloth under the tap and grabbing a clean towel from the cupboard. Sexy, he thought to himself as he took a look into the mirror, a sleepy face with messy hair looking back at him. He tilted his head from one side to the other, a low hum escaping his lips. Sexy? Sexy Kim Kibum. He arched an eyebrow and pursed his lips, not quite sure if there was anything sexy about him.

When he walked back into his room a little later he saw Jonghyun massaging his neck while moving his head in a circular motion.

“Did you check the time? It’s not even six,” the older whined and moved to the side when Kibum leaned over to rub the washcloths against the stained bedsheets, making sure he got rid of every little speck.

“We can go back to sleep if you want,” Kibum retorted, the royal blue of his sheets turning into a darker shade with every brush. Jonghyun hummed in response and hugged his knees, eyes following the younger one’s actions.

“Do you need help?” Jonghyun offered then, but Kibum only sent him a smile before he placed the dry towel onto the freshly cleaned part of his bedsheets so neither of them would get uncomfortable by lying on a wet spot. The washcloth found its way onto the armrest of Kibum’s swivel chair because he was too lazy to go back to the bathroom, his body soon feeling the mattress beneath his back again.

“You cleaning up this mess looked so professional that one could think you have to clean your sheets like this quite often,” the older one chaffed, sinking down onto the mattress as well. At first, a soft blush crept onto Kibum’s face before he pulled himself together again, clearing his throat.

“I already told you that I prefer the shower,” he said dryly, reaching for the blanket to spread it over their bodies.

“Like I could ever forget this kind of information,” Jonghyun smirked and slung his arm around the other’s waist, holding him tightly.

As they were quietly lying next to each other in Kibum’s bed, cuddling beneath the blanket, their eyes closed, Kibum pondered over the progression of their relationship. Where would they be going from here on? What was the ultimate goal? Was there even a goal? Was the target eternal happiness? Finding a soulmate to spend the rest of his life with? Or was sex the final step? Maybe it was in the short run, but what came after that? What if Kibum had experienced all his important first times with Jonghyun at some point?

Was it even possible for a first love to survive adolescence?

Jonghyun was the best example for answering this question with a clear ‘No’. His first love hadn’t lasted, so why should Kibum’s?

“When you were together with your math tutor did you think your relationship would last?”

Kibum didn’t open his eyes to look at the other, but he could imagine that there was surprise written all over Jonghyun’s face in response to his question. Who could blame him? Kibum tended to come up with questions made up out of thin air.

“Do you want a fairytale answer or do you want an honest one?”

“An honest one,” Kibum replied without thinking too much about it. He rather listened to the bitter truth than to a white lie. He could feel the other shift next to him, the grasp on him loosening.

“I was a fifteen-year-old horny teenager. When Jinkyong showed interest in me I burst with pride and thought I was some kind of superhero. She was three years older than me after all. Having an older girlfriend at that age is like hitting the bullseye for many boys I think. I really, really liked her a lot…don’t get me wrong. She was a very nice and sweet girl, but I didn’t think about having a long-term relationship with her let alone marrying her, and I’m quite sure she never thought about me in a serious way either. She always told me that she liked me, because I’m less corrupted than boys her age, and called me her pretty prince. I didn’t complain about that at all. I didn’t have to woo her or anything the like. We went from innocently holding hands, to fooling around, to having actual sex quite quickly. No fanfares or fireworks. After having sex for the first time I thought I’m all grown up now, and know how things work. Well, let’s be real…I had not the slightest idea how anything works. Thinking about the first few times we had sex now even makes me cringe a little. It’s really embarrassing,” Jonghyun ended his long monologue with a laugh, Kibum nodding to himself all the while.

This really wasn’t the love story he had expected to hear, but at least the older one had been sincere. Maybe he would have been the same if a similar opportunity had presented itself to him and he had had any interest in girls. If it was consensual there was no need to judge people for their intentions…no matter how unromantic that sounded. He wondered if Jonghyun’s 15-year-old self had been a lot different to his 18-year-old self and if he had fallen in love with him as well if he had known him back then.

“You said you went from holding hands to sex quite quickly. How quickly are we talking about?” Kibum pressed on.

On one hand, it was sheer curiosity, and on the other, he just wanted to know what was considered an adequate time of dating before things got more intimate. Was there a timeframe to calculate something like this? American movies had taught him about the first, second, and third base, but nothing about the time between the different levels. What if he missed the perfect timing? Was there even a perfect timing? His head started aching from all the questions that popped up in his head all of a sudden, a frown appearing on his face.

“From holding hands to sex? Two weeks maybe? It was really quick.”

Two weeks? Kibum was flabbergasted, eyes snapping open, head turning towards the other one.

“Two weeks?” he asked again, eyes glancing at Jonghyun in shock.

A soft hum left Jonghyun’s lips, causing Kibum’s eyes to widen even more. If two weeks were considered quickly, what was considered a normal time span?  
“So…in your opinion, what do you think is the perfect time frame from holding hands to having sex?” Kibum swallowed visibly, not feeling ready for the answer he might receive.

“I don’t know. Is this some sort of interrogation?” Jonghyun chuckled, peaking at the younger one. “You make me look like I have slept with hundreds of people and have answers to everything…when, in fact, it’s only been two. I believe it really depends on the personality of the people involved. Some are more easy-going and others need more time…both ways are totally fine. I…personally…I’ve never had the wish to save my v-card for that ONE special person in my life, and I’ve never been shy when it came to physical contact…so I’ve never seen sex as something that you can only have if you’ve dated for months. When it happens it just happens. So it doesn’t matter if it’s a week or several months. I guess one just knows when the time is right.”

Jonghyun’s obscure explanation didn’t help Kibum much. He didn’t want to hear vague statements.

“What if you had to answer with an exact time frame?”

“If I had to?”

“Yes, if I forced you to.”

An amused laugh fell from Jonghyun’s lips who turned onto his side, propping himself up on his hand.

“If you forced me to? Well, if you forced me to,” Jonghyun began slowly, his gaze wandering up to the ceiling, his facial expression showing that he thought about an answer. It took a moment before he looked at Kibum again, smiling.

“I would say it depends on how often you see each other. If you meet up with that person regularly, you should become comfortable with each other quite quickly. So something between five or six weeks? That’s a decent period of time to get to know someone and see if you click with them, isn’t it?”

Between five and six weeks. Wasn’t that still way too quick? The gear wheels in Kibum’s head started rattling when he tried to count the weeks from them kissing for the first time on Jonghyun’s bed until now. If his math knowledge didn’t betray him completely they were going on to week seven already. Week seven!

“Are you summing up the weeks since we’ve first kissed right now?”

Being caught while doing his ridiculous calculation made Kibum feel extremely embarrassed, and he lowered his gaze almost ruefully, fingers playing with his bedsheets.

“Kibum, that’s just a stupid number I gave you. Why is this so important to you all of a sudden? It will happen when it happens. No need to calculate. When you are ready you will know it. I mean there are things we should talk about beforehand anyway, like…,” Jonghyun paused for a moment, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, his gaze lowering.

“Like?” Kibum probed into, not sure if he really wanted the other to go on. Maybe it would only get more embarrassing.

“Ahh…you know,” Jonghyun started to chuckle a little uncomfortably, tapping Kibum’s shoulder with his finger. “I mean…who…is going to do what?” he then said and hid his eyes behind a palm, making Kibum at a loss for words. Who is going to do what? At first, he thought the older one was just rambling when he suddenly realized what Jonghyun was actually hinting at. His mouth formed a silent ‘O’, his insides turning. He had never even thought about the possibility of that.

“You mean…you would…I,” he stuttered noticeably, not believing that they would ever have a conversation like this. In his wildest imagination, it had never occurred to him that Jonghyun could even be willing to…

“I…uhm…I don’t know,” the older one started hesitantly and it looked like his usual confidence had been completely blown out of the window at this very moment. It felt like Kibum looked into a mirror, seeing a person in front of him that was just as insecure as he was. “I mean…I don’t know what you think about it…but I would at least like…I mean I would like to try it at some point. To…I mean to know both sides…what do they always say…try everything at least once? I mean…I…what do you think about it? What do you want?”

Jonghyun looked up then, questioning.

“Ahh…why is this so embarrassing? You haven’t even thought about it, right? …and now I’ve made a total fool out of myself,” the older exclaimed suddenly, grabbed his pillow and pressed his face into it.

Kibum had no idea what to say and all he could do was to stare at the white pillow in front of him that hid the face of probably the most precious human being he had ever met. If Jonghyun was embarrassed what was he supposed to do? Being the reasonable one of them? He wasn’t quite sure if he was capable of doing that.

So while Kibum had spent the past few months fantasizing about the other taking him in all thinkable positions, Jonghyun apparently had imagined it to be the other way around at least once during this time. This concept wasn’t quite what he had expected to hear, and Kibum tried to envision that scenario for a moment, his mind not completely cooperating. Maybe it was a good thing that this awkwardness occurred now and not when they were actually going to have sex.

He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, trying to suppress his own insecurities before he got hold of the pillow, pulling it out of the other’s face.

“Jjong…,” he began softly by using the other’s nickname. “You can’t be embarrassed. If you are embarrassed what should I do then?” he tried to lighten up the mood, drawing a light chuckle from the other one.

“Be embarrassed with me?” Jonghyun asked with a cute look on his face, and clung to the pillow in his arms, bedding his chin on it. “But really…you’ve never thought about it once?”

When Kibum shook his head, a pout formed on Jonghyun’s lips who pushed the pillow away and closed his arms around the younger one instead.

“Aren’t you in any way curious about how it would feel like?” he asked then, pulling the other closer. Kibum was curious about a lot of things, and maybe after having slept with Jonghyun for a while, he might wonder how it would feel like if they switched positions, but for now this was too far out of reach for him. They hadn’t even had sex yet.

“I didn’t think…I mean…I didn’t think you would be up for that…because…you know…you’ve only been with women until now,” Kibum spoke with a stammer, head resting against Jonghyun’s chest. The other’s arms around him felt like a warm blanket, making him feel safe. Jonghyun shifted a little on the mattress, fingers playing with the fabric of Kibum’s T-Shirt.

“That’s right, but all that gay porn you’ve given me made me kind of curious,” he began with a laugh, his confidence level seemingly rising again. “Some of the guys really seemed to be into it and enjoyed themselves. Besides…I…,” he paused once again, hands wandering up Kibum’s nape to massage the skin there. “I like the idea of you being on top of me.”

With that Jonghyun rolled them over, underpinning his point by pulling the younger one onto his chest. Being in this position still made Kibum uncomfortable, his hands finding their way next to Jonghyun’s head to lift himself up a little. Him being the one on top, him being on the giving end, him being in control, him being the dominant one? This all sounded wrong to him, not because he didn’t like the idea, but more because he didn’t believe this role would suit him. On the other hand, he also hadn’t imagined to wake up one morning and have the urge to touch the other’s private parts. Maybe, in the end, it was really all about timing. Maybe there was a time and place for everything…even for Kibum being dominant.

“Anyway…where does one buy lube? That’s something we will definitely need, right? Do you need to go to a sex shop for that? To a pharmacy? Can you order it online? I didn’t need it until now,” Jonghyun babbled, talking to Kibum about it like they were sitting at a table drinking hot chocolate and not lying on each other in his bed.

Contrary to Jonghyun, Kibum had done a lot of research on this matter already and had looked up sites on the internet to avoid awkward encounters with shop assistants in a pharmacy. Buying condoms was one thing, but to Kibum buying lubrication could indicate what he was planning on doing with it, and that was no one’s business.

“I think buying it online is the easiest method,” Kibum then said and tried to get off of Jonghyun again, but was held in place by the other’s arms.

“Why do you want to leave already?” Jonghyun wailed in a high-pitched voice and slung his legs around the other’s hips, making Kibum chuckle lightly.

“You are being weird again, Kim Jonghyun,” he mumbled against Jonghyun’s neck with a grin, letting himself press onto the other’s torso by his hands.

“One has to embrace their weirdness, Kim Kibum,” Jonghyun retorted playfully, and poked the younger in the back, rocking the younger from one side to the other, the motion making him slightly dizzy.  
  
  
***

  
It was late in the afternoon when Jonghyun packed his things to leave their little self-created bubble – called Kibum’s room – and face reality again. Both of them had to study for their upcoming exams, and because they were quite aware that studying together would be too much of a distraction for either of them, they had decided to end their togetherness for the sake of education. Kibum didn’t like the idea of letting Jonghyun go, but math formulas and English vocabulary didn’t make their way into his memory by mere luck.

He watched Jonghyun pack his sleeping clothes into his sports bag while spinning slowly on his swivel chair, wondering when they would be able to spend this much time together again.

“Yah Kibum,” Jonghyun addressed him in his usual manner when he was done packing and had zipped up his bag. Kibum stopped spinning by holding onto the edge of his desk, looking over at the older in curiosity.

“I want you to meet my parents. My mom already asked about you, because I mention you so often. I mean…only if you want to,” he then said, sitting down on Kibum’s bed.

“Really?”

Kibum was stunned, not sure what this would mean for their relationship.

“Yeah. You’ve only been to my place once before anyway. If you have time you can come over next weekend,” the older suggested with a boyish grin, his head tilted to the side. Kibum nodded his head enthusiastically before getting up from his chair to join the other on his bed.

“I’d really like that,” he then said and rested his head on Jonghyun’s shoulder, a warm feeling settling in his stomach at the thought of spending quality time with the other again. He was curious about Jonghyun’s family, wanted to know if he looked more like his mother or his father if they were as kindhearted as their son. He was excited and scared at the same time, excited because he would be able to learn more about Jonghyun’s background, and scared because he felt pressured to be the best version of himself so the other’s parents would like him.

“I’m glad. I want to take you out for a real date then and do something fun.”

Jonghyun grabbed Kibum’s hand when he said that and massaged the palm softly with his thumb. Kibum nibbled on his lip in return and tried not to make it too obvious how happy the prospect of a date made him.

“A date? What kind of date?” he asked curiously, turning his head slightly so his chin rested on Jonghyun’s shoulder.

“That will be a surprise. You can think about it for the next few days,” Jonghyun laughed and flicked Kibum’s forehead with his finger, making the other frown, a sound of annoyance leaving his lips.

“Ouch!” he wailed and rubbed his forehead, a pout framing his lips, which quickly vanished when Jonghyun turned his head to kiss him.

“I love you,” Jonghyun mumbled against Kibum’s lips then, a smile automatically appearing on the other’s lips. He couldn’t describe how much those little words meant to him, and how much his heart swelled up whenever he heard Jonghyun say them. They had a healing function and he hoped that they would never lose their power.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 20**

 

“You look like some radioactive Care Bear that could light up a whole village with its smile,” Jinki commented with a grin as he settled down next to Kibum for their first class on Monday.

 

“Do I?”

 

Kibum looked up from resting his head on his desk, watching the other pull out a textbook and notes from his school bag.

 

“Had a nice weekend I guess?”

 

“In fact, I did have a really nice weekend. How about yours?”

 

There was a small cheeky grin on Jinki’s lips as he took out his pencil case as well, lining three pens and an eraser neatly in one line.

 

“Well, I didn’t have someone to smooch me and entertain me all day, but reviewing my chemistry and physics notes was kind of sexy as well. Damn those molecules that connect regardless of the consequences and cause explosive reactions.”

 

Kibum chuckled in response and hit Jinki lightly against the shoulder, shaking his head at the other’s obscure sense of humor.

 

“You are so weird.”

 

“Am I? I’m not the one who looks like a radioactive Care Bear,” Jinki teased and this time he dodged away when Kibum tried to hit him once again, his ninja evasive maneuver almost making him fall from the chair.

 

“Yah, stop hitting me! You can hit Jonghyun if you discovered your sadistic side,” Jinki said out loud - half serious, half playful - and Kibum’s eyes automatically widening at the volume of the other’s voice. He instantly looked around frightened as some heads turned into their direction curiously, a forced smile appearing on his lips.

 

“Ah Jinki…you and your lame jokes,” he snorted overdramatically, leaned forward and tousled his friend’s hair, Jinki getting the hint and laughing along with him. The interest of the students who had turned their heads seemed to decline immediately and everyone got back to their own business, the tension in Kibum’s body slowly leaving him again.

 

“You need to be more careful with what you are saying, Jinki,” Kibum uttered with a sigh, his voice not more than a whisper, his friend raising both his hands apologetically.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t think about it.”

 

Kibum felt bad for the other because there shouldn’t be a reason for him to be careful about saying anything concerning him and his relationship with Jonghyun. He wished that the people around him were all as liberal and open-minded as his friend was, and that it wouldn’t be a big deal for any person to walk around the streets showing their love and appreciation for the person they loved without getting judged or mistreated for it by narrow-minded individuals who still walked around the planet with an outdated mindset.

 

“It’s okay, don’t think about it,” Kibum tried to liven up the mood again by smiling at the other, his feet stretching out beneath the small wooden desk in front of him. “Have you already started writing the English assignment and the Biology report? I’m so glad there will be winter break at the end of this month. I need that time to properly revise everything.” With a sigh he sank deeper into his seat, head falling back to look at the yellowed ceiling.

 

“I’m already done with the report, but the English assignment is really strenuous. I hope I’ll get it done by Friday,” Jinki replied and took a deep breath, propping up his chin on his hand. The comment caused Kibum to a pull a discontent face, and he closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep, exaggerated breath.

 

“You always make me feel like a bad student,” he whined and turned his head to look at Jinki again.

“Well, you are…not a bad one per se, but a very lazy one. You should go the library with me from time to time instead of going to the music room, just saying.”

 

The bluntness in Jinki’s words resulted in the forming of a small pout on Kibum’s mouth, his head sinking back onto the desk in desperation. Kibum was quite sure that his mother would love to have Jinki as her son; diligent, intelligent, sweet and kind Lee Jinki who wouldn’t make her worry about his future and who put a smile on everyone’s face.

 

“Jinki,” Kibum then suddenly said and straightened up, the other looking up at him curiously. “I’m glad to have you as my friend,” he finished his sentence, a bright happy smile appearing on the other’s face, turning his eyes into tiny crescents. Jinki had a beautiful smile that could probably light up whole cities during a blackout. The honesty in the other’s happy face made Kibum smile as well, a content feeling settling in his stomach.

 

He didn’t tell Jinki often enough how happy he was to have him as a friend. Had it not been for Jinki his school life would not only look very dull and depressing but Kibum also probably would have never made any progress in getting to know Jonghyun. It had been Jinki after all who had dragged him to the music room to make him stop rambling over that beautiful boy who spent his free time in one of the music rooms on the third floor. Jinki had turned out to be his Cupid in some way without even realizing it, and for that Kibum would forever be thankful to him.

 

***

 

Kibum didn’t see Jonghyun during the day since the other had to meet up with his fellow group members to work on the physics project he had whined over the previous week. Nevertheless, they had sent each other kitsch oozing text messages and selfies throughout the day, Kibum having a love-struck smile plastered all over his face when he came home after 10 pm that night. He might not have kissed or touched Jonghyun that day, but he had five new photos of the other on his phone, every single one making him grin like an idiot for no particular reason. In two of them, Jonghyun pulled funny faces, in one he had a very neutral expression, which Jonghyun probably considered as cool, on the fourth one he smiled brightly, and the fifth one showed him with an expression that exploded with cuteness. Wouldn’t it be for the fact that it would make him look weird and obsessed, Kibum would have printed out every single photo, framed them, and put them up in his room.

After saying a quick ‘Hi’ and ‘Goodnight’ to his mother he went straight to his bedroom, threw his school bag into a corner and took off his school uniform. He felt inspired for the first time in weeks and went over to his nightstand to take out his sketchbook after he had changed into his sleeping clothes. Unfortunately, the first thing he saw in his drawer wasn’t his sketchbook but a small white box he had never seen before. When he took it out to take a closer look he almost let it fall in surprise after he turned it around and saw the name of a popular Korean condom brand written on it in pink letters, including the inscription ‘ _Extra Safe – Extra lubricated, slightly thicker, Easy-On shape for greater comfort - 6 condoms’._

 

Kibum wanted to die in embarrassment, feeling his cheeks heat up to an unhealthy temperature. Had his mom really bought him condoms and had placed them in his nightstand? Had she really done something like this? Was that the nurse talking in her or the worried mother? Either way, the humiliation Kibum felt knew no borders. He was quite sure that he wouldn’t be able to ever use them without thinking of his mom. Nor would he ever be able to look at his mom again without feeling embarrassed.

 

With a sigh Kibum stashed the box of condoms in the back of his drawer and pulled out his sketchbook and a pencil instead, settling down on his bed shortly after, his tummy tied into tiny knots.

 

Apparently, even his mother seemed to have a certain concept of time in her mind in regards to developments in a relationship. He leaned his head against the wall in his back, thinking about love and sex, and sex and love. Would he be like Jonghyun and think that he knew how the world worked after his first time? Would he feel like an adult then? What if he felt like nothing had changed at all? Was change even important? Maybe he pressured himself too much? Sex wasn’t revolutionary. It was just another way of expressing love for one another, at least for Kibum it was. He knew that reality was different. People had sex for all kind of reasons and many of them had nothing to do with love at all. There were even people who preferred to have no sex at all…and they all seemed happy? So why was sex so important to him?

 

What if the sex with Jonghyun turned out to be bad? What if it turned out to be different to what he had expected? He had fantasized of having sex with Jonghyun so often and every single time he had masturbated and had imaged being with the other while doing so had been amazing, but what if reality couldn’t keep up with his imagination? What if sex with his boyfriend was disappointing? What if they didn’t click? Neither of them had sex with a man before, so wasn’t it inevitable for their first time to be horrendous?

 

Kibum took a deep breath and tried to shake off these thoughts. He loved Jonghyun and just being held by the other and feeling his skin close to his already felt amazing, so even if their first time happened to be more awkward than it was satisfying it wouldn’t change anything about his feelings for Jonghyun, and he desperately hoped that it wouldn’t change the other’s feelings for him either.

As he flipped his sketchbook open, he skimmed through his last drawings to find an empty page, fingertips gliding over the rough surface of the paper. He wanted to draw something for Jonghyun, something he could actually give to the other without feeling embarrassed about it. Thoughtfully he tapped the pencil against the paper, thinking about what to draw. What could he draw for Jonghyun? Was there anything he particularly liked next to inanimate objects like instruments? He pulled his tongue between his lips in thought, staring blankly into his room until his gaze fell onto his bookshelf.

Books. Books. Books.

 

Books reminded him of the stories he had read to Jonghyun to make him fall asleep. Why not come up with a story himself? He could write his own fairytale and decorate it with pictures. Kibum was so hooked on his flash of genius that he instantly tried to think of a story that included Jonghyun and him as the protagonists of their own little adventure to make it more personal. But as much as he liked the thought of his own fairytale, he had no idea where to start. Kibum puffed up his cheeks and tried to concentrate so his creative juices could flow, images of dragons and unicorns flashing in front of his eyes, making him sigh in frustration.

 

When he already wanted to give up, his cell phone started to play his ringtone – an American pop song – which caused Kibum look at his school bag in bewilderment. Quickly he scrambled over the floor and fished his cell phone out of it, seeing Mr. Kink’s name displayed on the screen. With a big smile on his lips, he pressed the accept button, a high-pitched cute sounding ‘Kibuuuuum-ah’ coming through the speakers of his phone. Kibum smiled to himself and walked back to the bed, sitting down in a comfortable position.

 

“I guess that’s me,” he replied, placing his opened sketchbook in his lap.

 

“I missed you today. Those people are so incredibly boring and this damn project is driving me nuts.”

Kibum heard the other sigh through the speakers while he started doodling Jonghyun’s name in different fonts into his sketchbook.

 

“Did you at least make any progress?”

 

“Kinda, I guess. Let’s not talk about it…too frustrating. How was your day?”

 

“Uneventful,” Kibum replied monotonously, fingers smudging the corner of the J in the other’s name that he had written in Latin letters. “Hey, what are you interested in apart from music?” he added curiously, causing Jonghyun to laugh lowly.

 

“You,” was the brief answer, which made Kibum bite his bottom lip to hide a smile. His boyfriend was such a smooth talker.

 

“Wow…that’s cheesy,” he tried to tease, his eyes falling onto the bracelet he was wearing since almost three weeks by now, the leather already roughening around the edges, because he didn’t even take it off while showering.

 

“But it’s true.”

 

There was a moment of silence on both ends, and Kibum could hear the other type something on his laptop, the distinct sound of keys being pressed down reaching his ear.

 

“I found a pack of condoms in my nightstand.”

 

He tried to sound as casual as possible, the end of his pencil tapping against the sketchbook in his lap. There was a low laugh at first and then Kibum heard the other stop typing.

 

“Your mom?”

 

“Who else?” Kibum sighed and scratched the back of his head, eyes falling onto the closed drawer next to him.

 

“Your mom is really awesome, you know. Being so open-minded and supportive of everything. It’s a sweet gesture, isn’t it? Even though it also makes me feel kind of awkward. What does she think we are doing in your room?”

 

Kibum had a flashback then, of them kissing and touching each other the previous day, of Jonghyun making him feel so many different emotions with the use of his hands and mouth.

 

“She probably thinks we are doing exactly what we are actually doing inside my room,” Kibum rambled, sinking back onto his bed, his head coming to a rest on his pillow. It still faintly smelled of Jonghyun.

 

“That would be? Watching movies and playing with Lego bricks?” Jonghyun joked, causing Kibum to snort in response who turned onto his side to face the wall.

 

“Most definitely,” he retorted, one finger grazing the white wall in front of him.

 

“Yah Kibum, what are your thoughts on rimming?” Jonghyun then asked without any forewarning, causing the younger one’s eyes to widen in shock, an awkward cough leaving his lips.

 

“What?” Kibum stuttered, turning around on his back again, looking up at the ceiling. Jonghyun’s mind was a fascinating place, and a very naughty one as well. Kibum heard a light chuckle ringing in his ears before the line fell silent for a second.

 

“I’m sorry, was that too straightforward? Am I too pushy? I’m sorry. It’s just…I get easily excited about things I haven’t tried yet but look rather interesting. I just read this article…”

 

“Do you spend all your free time with reading up on sex practices now?”

 

A little flabbergasted Kibum furrowed his brows, not knowing if he should feel embarrassed or entertained. Several weeks ago he would have died in shame after being asked such a blunt question and would have hidden in the nearest hole, but he had become braver in a way…maybe even a little more confident?

 

“I…,” Jonghyun stopped for a second and the younger one could hear him take a deep breath on the other side of the speaker. “I…I always had a thing for reading up on stuff like this…call it my guilty pleasure. I just find it extremely interesting.”

 

“Jong…you are so kinky…like seriously. What did I get myself into with you?” Kibum laughed now, still not quite believing that they really had this kind of conversation. He shook his head and stretched out his hand, wiggling his fingers in the air.

 

“Why do I get the feeling that you are making fun of me right now?” The tone of the other’s voice sounded more amused than serious, putting a smile on Kibum’s face.

 

“I wouldn’t ever dare to make fun of Mr. Kink. You probably also have a copy of the Kama Sutra hidden somewhere in your room,” he teased, the talk making him feel a little light-headed. It was fascinating how much easier it was to relax around the other the more time they spend together. Kibum’s words came out more naturally now as he tried to stop overanalyzing his own and Jonghyun’s actions. Slowly but surely the shy and introvert side of his personality that had made his life around Jonghyun so strenuous in the beginning, retreated to make space for a more fun-loving version of himself. He enjoyed the feeling of finally starting to talk to Jonghyun in the same casual manner as he talked to Jinki. It had taken him a lot of time and effort, but he was getting there.

 

“I actually have a pdf file of it on my computer…not the original version with paintings, though. It’s more like a modern revised version of it with photographs,” Jonghyun responded with a chuckle.

 

“Want me to send it to you? It’s really…well, most of it is not possible to do for normal human beings. Maybe if you are really flexible, but I’m not flexible at all. But it’s still an interesting read.”

 

“You are really something, Kim Jonghyun,” Kibum commented, holding his hand in front of his mouth to stifle a laugh.

 

“What? It’s all for the sake of science…I’m just a young man who is greedy for knowledge,” Jonghyun tried to defend himself with a cackle, Kibum nodding to himself with a snort.

 

“Sure! If you are so greedy for knowledge you might want to work on your physics project instead of reading random articles about sex on the internet.”

 

“Ah, you are no fun! But talking about this stupid project. We’ll meet up in the working room of the library tomorrow. Don’t you have exams coming up as well and need to study some…maybe even at the library?”

 

“You are so shameless,” the younger snickered and sat up on his bed to get up from it.

 

“What? Why? I just want you to get good grades. My proposal was totally selfless,” Jonghyun claimed then.

 

“Sure, totally selfless. I’ll see what I can do. Jinki suggested to join him at the library for some studying anyway.”

 

“Then you should listen to Jinki. He’s a smart boy!”

 

 

***

 

Jinki was a smart boy indeed. So smart that it only took him a second to figure out Kibum’s real motivation for suggesting to go to the library together the next day after preparation classes were over. However, Jinki didn’t really mind the other’s reasons, because he had planned to go to the library in the evening anyway. The day dragged on forever and Kibum spent most of the time with staring at the big clock over the blackboard in their classroom, the moving of the handles making him feel drowsy. He almost had fallen asleep if it hadn’t been for Jinki kicking his chair with his right foot to make him pay attention to their math teacher again.

 

It was past 6 pm when Kibum and Jinki climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor to enter the library. Kibum had only seen the library once when Jinki had shown him around during his first day at his new school and hadn’t visited again ever since. No matter how much he loved books, he despised the thought of spending time in a room filled with tortured teenager souls who crammed all the knowledge they could find in books into their little heads only to pass university entrance exams.

 

Most students didn’t read school books out of fun, but because they had no other choice.

The library was spacious but old-fashioned; one metal shelf lining up next to the other, making them look like a row of dominos. There were a few wooden tables scattered around the room, diligent students already sitting at some of them, their heads deeply buried in school work. While there was absolute silence in the library itself, despite the occasional turn of book pages, and the shuffling of slippers over the floor, the workroom next to it was a place where students could come to if they worked on a group project or wanted to take a break from studying. Next to tables and chairs it was equipped with couches if one had to rest after a long reading session and owned its own beverage and snack dispenser. The two areas were only separated by a thick wall of safety glass that was partially covered by motivational quotes and advertisements, making it possible for Kibum to watch Jonghyun lazily slouch on one of the old, brown leather couches, one foot placed on the knee of the other in a casual manner, a spiral-bound notepad in his lap and a pencil stuck behind his ear. The expression on his face told Kibum everything he needed to know, his boyfriend was incredibly bored. There was another boy sitting next to him who looked just as bored and two girls who seemed to work enthusiastically on something at the table.

 

Kibum didn’t send Jonghyun a message right away, because he wanted to look at the other for a little while longer, Jinki and him sitting down at a table close to the working room. The observation of the other without his knowledge was thrilling in a way because it somehow reminded Kibum of times when Jonghyun hadn’t known of his existence yet, and all Kibum had been able to do was daydream about the other, hoping he would notice him one day. How much had changed over the past few months? They had gone from strangers to friends…to lovers.

 

“He looks bored out of his mind,” Jinki commented in a hushed voice, leaning closer to Kibum while placing his school books in front of him on the table.

 

“True, but the boy next to him doesn’t look really excited either.”

 

“Weird people…physics is such an interesting subject.”

 

Jinki shook his head before flipping his English textbook open, skimming through the pages until he found the one he was looking for. Meanwhile, Kibum pulled out his phone from his back pocket and wrote Jonghyun a message, telling him that he should put a smile on his face because this bored expression didn’t suit him at all. He looked over at Jonghyun again when he had sent the text, seeing how the other grabbed his phone and pushed a few buttons. It only took a moment before Jonghyun lifted his head and looked around, a happy smile appearing on his lips when he saw Kibum on the other side of the window who raised his hand to say ‘Hi’.

 

“There is some drama music missing in the background. Two lovebirds finally united again,” Jinki whispered and hummed a low melody, Kibum kicking him beneath the table in return.

 

“Ouch…that hurt,” the other whined, still trying to speak as quietly as possible while rubbing his shin with a pained expression on his face, bowing his head apologetically when he heard a ‘shhhh’ coming from the other end of the room.

 

– _Did you just kick Jinki?_ – read the message Kibum received a few seconds later, which he answered with a shrug of his shoulders and an innocent smile. Jonghyun responded with a smile as well before he looked down at his cell phone again and typed another message.

 

“Honestly? He also looks like a radioactive Care Bear. Apparently, you really had a fun weekend,” Jinki noted after taking a quick glance at the working room before he focused on his book again, one finger placed on the line he had just read.

 

“Yes, we had good talks and such…”

 

“…and such,” Jinki tried to hide a laugh behind a hand, tilting his head slightly. “And such is a nice way to put it.”

 

Kibum only responded with a halfhearted hum while he opened the next text message Jonghyun had sent him.

 

– _Your hair looks especially cute today. I want to touch it. TT___TT –_ the message made Kibum bite his bottom lip and out of reflex, he ruffled his fringe with his fingers, blushing when he looked up and noticed the amused smirk on his boyfriend’s face.

 

It went forth and back from then on, a war of message sending erupting between the two students, Kibum’s English book still closed in front of him half an hour later while Jinki attentively revised the previous chapters, only shaking his head every now and then when Kibum started to snicker into his hand.

 

“What is he telling you that makes you giggle like a girl in middle school who daydreams about her favorite idol?”

 

Jinki tapped the end of his ball pen with a clicking sound before placing it next to his book, eyes wandering over to Kibum who turned his cell phone towards his friend, showing him the display.

 

“Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ Really? That’s such a bad pun,” Jinki noted with a frown, earning nothing more than a shrug from Kibum who took his phone back to click through his messages.

 

“Maybe this one is more to your liking. Listen. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says ‘I've lost my electron, ’The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies ‘Yes, I'm positive.’” An encouraging smile appeared on Kibum’s lips when he finished reading the message, Jinki only shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

 

“Wow…this was even worse. Good thing Jonghyun wants to become a musician and not a Comedian because he would most likely starve. Where did he find these puns? In a book from 1960?” Jinki deadpanned and both of them looked up when they heard the door to the workroom open, Jonghyun’s group stepping outside one by one, the two girls directly heading to the exit while Jonghyun stayed behind with the other boy from their group; his hair tousled, the tie around his neck loosened, and the first button of his white shirt opened, revealing the small mole between his collarbones that Kibum liked so much.

 

“Those two are going to make me insane anytime soon. I’m sure of it,” Jonghyun’s classmate commented with a huff and ruffled his hair, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his pants. “Are you coming?” he asked then and pointed at the door with raised eyebrows to which Jonghyun only shook his head.

 

“No, I’ll stay for a bit. I wanted to greet my friends over there first before I leave,” he explained quickly and looked into Jinki’s and Kibum’s direction. Jonghyun’s classmate followed his eyes for a short moment before he focused back on Jonghyun again.

 

“Isn’t that the genius kid from class 10 who always ranks first? Why are you hanging around with children?”

 

Kibum tilted his head slightly, a pout appearing on his lips. A child? He was already 17.

 

“Because they are cool guys.” There was a sugar sweet smile on Jonghyun’s lips, which turned Kibum’s pout into a smile as well, making him forget the other’s rude comment immediately. He was one of the cool kids now, hanging around with people who were older than him!

 

“Whatever. I’ll get going then. Have fun in kindergarten. See you tomorrow!”

 

With a wave of his hand, Jonghyun’s classmate told him goodbye, stretching languidly on his way out. There was not much time for Kibum to look after that impolite human being who had just called them children when Jonghyun came up to them, sitting down at the edge of their table, hand automatically reaching out to ruffle Kibum’s hair.

 

“Hey you two,” he said in a hushed voice and with a wide grin, Kibum trying to duck his head to escape the other’s hand. It was some sort of love-hate relationship he had with Jonghyun’s fondling of his hair. On one hand, he enjoyed every touch from the other, but on the other, he hated it to get his hair turned into a mess.

 

“Did your group finish the project?” Kibum asked while dodging away from the other’s fingers, which seemed to make a game out of annoying him. No matter how grown up Jonghyun sounded when he talked about serious topics or music, at other times he just acted like a kid.

 

“Sort of…Jakyung and Soonja, the girls in our group, want to work on a power point presentation at home and I still have to send them my part, but we’re getting there. I’m so glad when I can leave this behind at the end of the week. Group presentations really make you hate people.” A sigh left Jonghyun’s lips and his hand sank down to rest on his knee, his left leg swinging slightly from the table.

 

The end of the week.

 

A tiny grin twitched at the corner of Kibum’s mouth as he thought about Saturday and Jonghyun’s idea of taking him out on a date. A real date. He was curious beyond belief what they were going to do. He was fine with everything as long as he got to spend some time with Jonghyun. The memories of the last weekend were fresh in his memory and somehow he could still vividly feel the other’s mouth closed around him, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks as he looked up to see Jonghyun nibble on his plush bottom lip. He averted his eyes quickly when Jonghyun glanced at him with a raised eyebrow, a smirk appearing on his boyfriend’s face as if he had been able to read his mind.

“How long are you two going to stay here?” Jonghyun asked then, taking Kibum’s English book into his hands to flip it open to a page that had a bookmark in it.

 

“I wanted to finish reviewing another two chapters, but I don’t know about Kibum,” Jinki answered, picked up his ball pen again and tapped it onto the opened pages of his textbook. Kibum only shrugged, looking from Jinki to Jonghyun and back. He had loved to go to a place more private than the school’s library with Jonghyun, but he didn’t want to be that friend who dropped everything for their crush, leaving their friend behind. Jinki didn’t deserve that. They had come together and he wanted to leave together.

 

Jonghyun nodded with a hum before he hopped from the table and pulled over a chair from the other side, slumping down right next to Kibum, his legs purposefully closing around Kibum’s beneath the tabletop.

 

“Take, o take those lips away. That so sweetly were forsworn, and those eyes, the break of day, lights that do mislead the morn: But my kisses bring again, bring again, seals of love, but seal’d in vain, seal’d in vain,” Jonghyun read slowly, clearly having difficulty with pronouncing several words, which put a smile on Kibum’s lips. “Ahhh…English has never been my strength. You are currently reading Shakespeare in class?” he concluded then, eyes swiftly flying over the opened page.

 

“It’s not just Shakespeare. We are talking about English poems in general. The structure of them and how the language being used has changed over time,” Jinki answered before Kibum had the chance to, causing Jonghyun to nod understandingly.

 

“Yah Jinki, are you as good in English as you are in all the natural science subjects?” Jonghyun then asked curiously, probing his chin up in his hand.

 

“I’m okay. I believe that Kibum’s English is actually better than mine. He speaks very well and his pronunciation is good,” Jinki answered, shying away from the spotlight like he always did. He was a fascinating person. Jinki could rank first place in his year again and again, but he still stayed humble, putting other’s achievements above his own. He probably would make a good diplomat one day, Kibum assumed, playing with the edges of his cell phone.

 

“Oh really? I didn’t know. I learn something new about Kibum every day. Maybe you can tutor me,” Jonghyun smiled, tilting his head, eyes wandering over to Kibum who waved his hand in front of his face in disagreement.

 

“He exaggerates,” Kibum said then, raising one of his eyebrows when Jonghyun grabbed his hand and placed it down on the table.

 

“That guy can’t take a compliment, can he?” Jonghyun only shook his head in amusement and grabbed the ball pen Kibum had brought with him, pulling his boyfriend’s hand closer to himself. Before Kibum even had the chance to object Jonghyun had started to draw on the back of his hand, the tip of his tongue jutting out at the corner of his lips in concentration.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like?” Jonghyun didn’t even look up from his task and leaned a little closer to the other’s hand instead. With a sigh Kibum resigned himself to his fate, the tip of the ball pen tickling his skin. At first, Kibum couldn’t really make out a specific shape the black lines on his hand were supposed to form, but bit by bit the lines turned into the face and body of a comic dog with floppy ears.

 

“I didn’t know you are left-handed?” Kibum noticed in surprise after he watched the other draw enthusiastically for a while and tried to figure out why the other’s posture seemed so off.

 

“I’m ambidextrous actually. I used to be left-handed, but my dad forced me to use my right-hand for writing when I started elementary school. I hated it so much in the beginning because my homeroom teacher always hit my hand with a ruler when I used my left hand for something, but now it’s fine. I use my right hand for most things by now, but somehow I still prefer to draw with the left one,” Jonghyun told nonchalantly, his eyes fixed on Kibum’s hand.

 

“Forcing a child to change their dominant writing hand can actually be very traumatizing and have a few very negative effects on people later in life,” Jinki commented out of nowhere, Kibum looking over at him for a second before turning his focus back on the ball pen running over the back of his hand.

 

“I’m the best example for that. Look how traumatized I am,” Jonghyun uttered flatly before he turned serious again. “But you are right, I could concentrate very badly as a kid, had an awful handwriting and was very shy. I think that I was forced to change my writing hand might not be the only reason for that, but I’m quite sure it played a part in it,” he concluded with a nod, drawing something that looked like a flower next to the dog.

 

“But being able to use both hands equally is kind of cool, isn’t it? If had to write with my left hand no one would be able to read it,” Kibum whispered, feeling how the other’s feet moved beneath the table, Jonghyun’s calf brushing against his as he hummed in response.

 

Feeling Jonghyun’s hand on his while drawing seemed like a different form of holding hands, Kibum realized, because no one would get suspicious of Jonghyun firmly grabbing the other’s hand while he drew on it with the other. Clever. Maybe Jonghyun should write a book on how to secretly initiate body contact one day.

 

“A masterpiece,” Jonghyun exaggerated after he was done, leaned back and raised Kibum’s hand so he could see the drawing properly. It was a funny looking dog with an almost square shaped looking head and an oversized collar around its neck that read ‘Jong’ on the dog tag hanging from it, and a speech bubble next to it that said ‘ _Woof Woof…’._

 

“It’s cute,” Kibum smiled, wondering if the ink was ever going to come off his hand.

 

“Now it’s your turn,” the older one decided and handed the ball pen to Kibum, placing his right hand on the table.

 

“What do you want me to draw?”

 

“Something cute,” Jonghyun decided quickly and Kibum nodded with a hum, turning Jonghyun’s hand around and pushing the sleeve of his school uniform jacket up so his wrist became visible.

 

“How old are you two once again?” Jinki asked while Kibum tried to figure out what he wanted to draw, eyes fixed on the bluish veins that were visible beneath Jonghyun’s skin.

 

“I just entered middle school,” Jonghyun joked in a childish voice, causing Jinki to shake his head with a smile.

 

Kibum ended up drawing a similar dog to the one Jonghyun had drawn on the back of his hand, the only difference being the level of skill put into it. He added a chubby cat next to it that had its face turned up in a cute expression, little hearts flowing around its head, and its tail forming the shape of a heart as well. He added some more details to his drawing by adding some shades and flowers around the two pets, writing ‘I ♥ U’ in English beneath it.

 

He turned the other’s wrist from one side to the other when he was finished to see if he needed to add more shading before he decided that his work was decent enough for a picture drawn with a black ball pen on a patch of skin.

 

“Okay…I’m done,” he announced, letting Jonghyun take a closer look at his wrist whose lips automatically turned up into a smile when his index finger stroked along the words beneath the drawing. He mouthed a silent ‘I love you, too’ with his mouth before hooking his right leg with Kibum’s left one beneath the table.

 

“It looks super cute, thank you,” Jonghyun grinned, crooking his head to the side. “Put your hand next to my arm,” he asked then and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, linking his pinkie with Kibum’s before taking a photo of their arms. Kibum smiled inwardly, unconsciously licking his lips as the nail of Jonghyun’s finger scratched slightly at his skin. He would have paid a lot of money at that moment for them to be alone in the library so he could lean forward and kiss Jonghyun, his lips already missing the taste and feel of the other.

 

They sat in the library until 8:20 pm, Jinki attentively revising vocabulary and grammar while Jonghyun and Kibum at least pretended to study as well, but in reality only played tic-tac-toe and other games to pass the time on a piece of paper, Kibum beating Jonghyun by 43 to 40 in the end. When they finally left the building it was pitch black and incredibly cold outside, Kibum huddling up into his coat and burying his nose into his red, fluffy scarf. As soon as Jinki had bid them goodbye to walk to the nearby bus station Jonghyun had pulled Kibum along to the playground, the younger one only following him in bewilderment, the fresh breeze turning his nose red.

 

Jonghyun aimed for the little wooden house behind the monkey bars, the playground completely deserted at this time of day. The metal strings on the swings swayed softly in the wind, the sound they made partly reminding Kibum of spooky Halloween movies. It had been a while since Kibum had entered the playground for the last time, but he still remembered Jonghyun inviting him over to his house for the first time while both of them had sat on the swings with a smile. They had to duck their heads and scramble on their knees into the small house, which was painted in red, blue and green, Kibum mumbling under his breath that he didn’t want his pants to get dirty.

 

He didn’t have much time to properly settle down on the wooden planks and brush off the dust from his coat and pants when they finally were inside because Jonghyun launched forth and startled him by pressing his cold lips against his. Almost tumbling backwards Kibum used his hands to support himself from not falling to the ground, a soft sigh leaving his lips as the other’s hands found their way onto his cheeks and pulled him closer.

 

“It sucks that I can’t kiss you whenever I want to,” Jonghyun mumbled against his lips, softly tugging at Kibum’s bottom lip with his teeth, one hand wandering down to slip beneath the other’s scarf, fingertips burying themselves into his nape, the coldness making the younger one shiver. Kibum agreed with a low hum, eyes closed, his nails scratching over the wood beneath his fingers. The floor was cold and he could feel pebbles digging into the palm of his hands, leaving red imprints behind.

Them being in a small wooden house in the middle of a playground had to be the most unconventional and most unromantic place to make out, but Kibum didn’t really mind because he was with Jonghyun and that was the only thing that mattered. Their lips locked more feverishly by the minute and soon Kibum found himself being pressed against the wooden wall in his back, Jonghyun more or less sitting in his lap, his fingers impatiently fumbling with Kibum’s scarf.

 

“Jong, we shouldn’t…I mean…we’re at a playground…basically in public,” Kibum stammered between kisses, his lips quivering. There was only the light of a nearby streetlamp that made it possible for Kibum to see anything at all in the small house, his hands resting on the thick material of Jonghyun’s jacket.

 

“We’re not doing anything, Kibum. It’s just kissing.”

 

Kibum couldn’t see the other’s smile, but he heard it in his voice, Jonghyun’s lips pressing softly against the left corner of his lip. His mouth automatically moved against the subtle touch, his fingers wandering down to stroke Jonghyun’s thighs through the fabric of his cloth pants. He wondered how often Jonghyun had to hold back on his own needs for Kibum’s sake, how often he had to tame himself to not overwhelm Kibum or scare him away. It had to be hard for him to deal with someone who was so inexperienced and still somewhat shy when it came down to express physical affection.

 

“Jonghyun, can I ask you something?” he questioned after a moment of hesitation and Jonghyun leaned back a bit so they could look at each other.

 

“Sure, fire away,” he smiled and ran his fingers through Kibum’s hair, causing the younger one to sigh contently.

 

“How long has it been since the last time you’ve had sex,” he asked quite straightforwardly, feeling the other sink down further into his lap, the weight on his thighs intensifying.

 

“I don’t know. It’s been quite a while since Sookjoo and I broke up. Why are you asking?”

 

Kibum tilted his head slightly when Jonghyun’s fingers glided over the shell of his ear and down to his earlobe, massaging it gently between thumb and index finger.

 

“I don’t know. I’m just curious I guess. It must suck if you had sex frequently in your previous relationship and now you ended up with me,” the younger one tried to explain, eyes fixed on the buttons on Jonghyun’s jacket.

 

“What’s that ‘ended up with me’ supposed to mean?”

 

Jonghyun’s fingers stroked his cheek, the tips softly caressing his jaw and chin. Despite being cold the other’s fingers still made Kibum feel warm inside, the sensation leaving a pleasant feeling in his stomach.

 

“As you already know I have no experience in this matter…but…don’t you feel frustrated sometimes? Because…well…we’re together…but not together,” Kibum started to ramble, not really sure himself what he wanted to express in the first place, his fingernails picking at the fabric of Jonghyun’s pants.

 

“Frustrated because I don’t get laid right now?” Jonghyun probed with a grin, his thumb wandering over Kibum’s bottom lip. “Believe me I’m not that hormonal,” the older one added and leaned forward, Kibum expecting to be kissed on the lips but feeling surprised when Jonghyun pressed a peck to his forehead.

 

“Besides I have two very healthy hands.”

 

The sentence caused Kibum to chuckle lowly, his cheeks heating up a little from the images his mind inevitably produced.

 

“Do you think of me sometimes when you…,” Kibum nibbled on his bottom lip, rubbing the fabric of Jonghyun’s pants with his fingertips.

 

“All the time,” Jonghyun answered directly without the need for the younger one to finish his question, a smile appearing on Kibum’s lips. He didn’t know why the thought of the other thinking about him while masturbating made him feel so happy, it just did.

 

“Really?” he asked then, looking up to make out the other’s face in the semi-darkness.

 

“Of course. Why should I think about someone else if I can think of you?”

 

“If I didn’t know you personally I would think you are a total playboy,” Kibum teased, hands finally moving up to disappear beneath Jonghyun’s jacket and settling onto his hips.

 

“What? Why’s that?” Jonghyun laughed and looked scandalized for a moment before he leaned in once again, his nose nuzzling Kibum’s hair, hands holding his face.

 

“Because you are such a smooth talker. You don’t even need to think about what response might be good…they just leave your mouth naturally,” Kibum tried to explain, his head sinking against the wall in his back when Jonghyun pressed little kisses along his temple and cheek.

 

“I don’t need to think about it because I’m just telling you what’s on my mind.”

 

The feeling of Salsa dancing Jonghyuns erupted in Kibum’s stomach once again when Jonghyun gave him another kiss on the lips, the touch so soft that the younger one wanted to meld into it.

 

“It’s cold, isn’t it? Maybe we should walk to the metro station before one of us catches a cold,” Jonghyun whispered, his lips still hovering close over Kibum’s. Jonghyun was a tease, wasn’t he?

When the older one got up, Kibum immediately felt the cold seeping into his pants, the warmth of the other’s body gone. They scrambled out of the house only moments later, Jonghyun protectively pressing the back of his hand to the top of the entrance so Kibum wouldn’t hit his head against the wood when he followed him outside.

 

“Saturday will be fun,” Jonghyun tossed in playfully as they walked along the sidewalk to the nearest station, the older one walking backwards, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets and his mouth hidden behind a black scarf.

 

“I’m sure it will be,” Kibum mumbled into his scarf with a grin, thinking about their date constantly ever since Jonghyun had proposed it to him.

 

“I haven’t been on a proper date in ages…literally.”

 

“I don’t even know what a proper date has to look like?” Kibum shrugged, following the other’s light steps with his eyes.

 

“Well, there are some essential ingredients to a successful date,” Jonghyun started and turned around, linking his arm with Kibum’s who felt a little startled, watching the other warily.

 

“First of all”

 

Jonghyun rose one finger to emphasize his words, snuffling.

 

“Doing something that will stay in your memory forever. Secondly…doing something that brings you closer to one another. Thirdly…doing something both of you will enjoy. Fourthly…food,” he explained and Kibum listened attentively, his eyes fixed on both of their feet, which had quickly fallen into the same rhythm, making their bodies look in sync.

 

“Let me guess…you’ve looked that up on the internet again,” Kibum teased playfully, feeling the other elbowing him.

 

“No, I didn’t,” Jonghyun protested and Kibum could see a slight pout peeking out from the expanses of his scarf.

 

“Seeing you pout is still on my list of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.”

 

There was a lighter dig into Kibum’s side, which made him chuckle lowly, the pout on Jonghyun’s face turning into a disgruntled expression.

 

“I’m not cute.” There was an exasperated whine falling from Jonghyun’s lips while he crossed his arms in front of his chest, quickening his pace so Kibum had to hurry up to keep up with him. Kibum shook his head with a grin, repeating the words ‘You are so cute’ over and over again while hopping next to Jonghyun, causing the other to stick out his tongue and press his hands against his ears.

It was lighthearted teasing and it felt good in a way, because sometimes Kibum forgot that they were still teenagers, that it was okay for them to joke around and be immature about things from time to time, that it wasn’t all about sex and adult topics, that it was okay for them to just enjoy their youth without worrying about the future.

 

 

***

 

On Saturday Kibum trembled all the way from his home to Seoul Central station, his left knee bobbing up and down, his fingers playing with the straps of his stuffed backpack while he sat on the subway. Weirdly enough meeting Jonghyun today felt like meeting him for the first time outside of school all over again. Kibum felt the same rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins, the same anxiety that numbed his common sense. While checking the advertisements of cell phone companies and plastic surgeon clinics hanging above the doors, Kibum nibbled on his bottom lip, the back of his head pressed against the window behind him, nervousness pulling at his nerves.

 

Kibum didn’t even understand why he was nervous in the first place, he should be happy to finally see Jonghyun again after the two of them hadn’t had time to meet each other after their last encounter in the library, because next to studying and his physics project Jonghyun was also still busy with giving piano and guitar lessons after class. Kibum buried his nose in his red scarf, pulling his phone out to check the time and fix his fringe by taking a look at himself in the reflection of the screen. There were ten more minutes left until he would reach his final destination, some more minutes left until he was able to see the other again. Jonghyun had sent him a text the previous night, telling him that they would meet up at the huge advertising column outside of the main entrance, Kibum’s heart skipping a beat whenever he thought about it.

 

He was still immensely curious about what Jonghyun had planned for them, his mind making up the wildest ideas. When a female voice announced his stop both in Korean and then in English, Kibum’s heart skipped a beat, his body set on autopilot, his feet following the flow of passengers absentmindedly. The station was crammed with people on this Saturday afternoon, Christmas songs blaring from speakers around him, salespersons trying to lure passerby into their shops by holding up flashy signs when he passed through the shopping promenade on the first floor. The whole station was decorated in the spirit of commercial Christmas, plastic fir branches covering every pillar, golden shimmering stars in different sizes hanging down from the ceiling, a big tree standing in the middle of the entrance hall, richly adorned with golden and red Christmas tree ornaments.

 

It was a lovely sight to witness, but it also made Kibum ponder. He had spent last year’s Christmas in bed with bruised ribs and a swollen lip after fellow classmates had cornered him on their last day of school before winter break to give him their own special gift. Kibum shook his head to make the thoughts go away, his steps quickening to get outside as fast as possible. Sometimes it still felt unreal to him how much had changed since he had moved to Seoul with his mother less than half a year ago; how insults had changed to words of affection, and how kicks and punches had transformed into kisses and embraces. Wasn’t it fascinating how much the environment influenced a person’s wellbeing? A person’s heart was just as tender as buds of a flower; they flourished if one watered and gave them enough sunlight, but if one refused to take care of them…they died.

 

Kibum took a deep breath before he stepped outside, the heat from inside the station instantly replaced by a whiff of cold air, which made him shiver uncontrollably. He caught sight of Jonghyun right away, the other standing right next to the advertisement column like he had proclaimed he would, his shoulders pulled up in the black winter jacket he was wearing, a backpack sitting on his back, swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet, a dark red beanie covering his usual mop of black hair.

 

All the negative thoughts he just had were forgotten as he skipped over to Jonghyun with his hands in the pockets of his coat, and a smile appearing on his face when the other turned towards him and took out a pair of earplugs.

 

“Hey, there you are,” Jonghyun greeted him, the tip of his nose and his cheeks red from the cold

.

“Long time no see,” Kibum responded, stuffing his hands deeper into his pockets. It still felt awkward to interact with Jonghyun casually outside of their homes, because he didn’t really know how he was supposed to act around the other without it being too obvious for outsiders that he was madly in love with him.

 

“It’s been too long.”

 

With that Jonghyun’s arms were around him and hugged him tightly to his chest, the older one whispering ‘I missed you’ into his ear before letting go again after what Kibum thought was way too quickly. Returning the sentiment with a shy smile, Kibum bit his bottom lip when the other tilted his head a little with a playful wink.

 

“Do you want to know where we are going first?” Jonghyun asked mysteriously, a cheeky gleam twinkling in his eyes. When Kibum nodded in return and Jonghyun started walking, the younger followed him naturally, both of them coming to a halt next to each other at a junction, the traffic lights in front of them showing red.

 

“I really took it to heart what you said about nothing being my first time anymore,” Jonghyun began as they waited with several other people for the light to turn green, the street in front of them filled with cars, which all seemed to drive faster than the speed limit allowed. “Because I don’t want you to feel like this is not special to me,” he continued, his nose nuzzling the fabric of his scarf. Kibum felt a little embarrassed as he reflected on his behavior after the two of them had met Jonghyun’s ex-girlfriend, his eyes looking straight ahead, and seeing a little girl on the other side of the street who threw a tantrum by throwing herself onto the ground and pulling at her mother’s leg.

 

“So to avoid this we are only going to do things today…that I have never done before on a date or while being in a relationship with someone,” he concluded, Kibum’s eyes darting to Jonghyun for a moment who looked at him with a wide smile. To him, it felt incredibly considerate that Jonghyun had actually taken the time to think about what Kibum worried about, that he took him seriously and hadn’t shrugged off his worries as some silly teenage rambling.

 

“It would be easier to take the tram, but if you see where we get off, then you already know where we are going, so we will walk a bit instead. I hope that’s fine with you,” Jonghyun explained as the traffic light finally switched and they crossed the street to go east.

 

“I’m fine with everything.”

 

With that they strolled along the main street, passing office buildings and clothing stores, as well as restaurants and cafés mingling in between them. They walked closely together, their shoulders brushing constantly while they tried to make their way through the bustle of people occupying the sidewalk. There were some food stands and little street vendors who sold plush toys, socks and accessories on folding tables, Jonghyun stopping at one of them at some point, and holding a Charmander plushie next to his face, asking Kibum if he saw any similarities.

 

The walk was relaxing and reminded Kibum of the first time he and Jonghyun had walked together through Seoul, the air stuffy and the sun shining relentlessly into their faces back then. Just like the season, their relationship had changed as well, a smile covering Kibum’s face whenever his eyes fell on his boyfriend walking next to him.

 

Jonghyun bought roasted sweet potatoes for the two of them along the way, the corners of Kibum’s mouth curving upwards as a sweet hotness filled his mouth, warming him up from inside, while the older one pulled a face and stuck out his tongue, fanning himself after he took the first bite and burned himself accidentally in the process. Kibum almost choked on the potato in his mouth after he saw the other’s hilarious expression, and covered his mouth to hide a laugh, not quite sure whether she should feel sympathy for Jonghyun or gloat in his misfortune. Despite appearing to be the perfect human being in the entire universe in Kibum’s eyes, sometimes reality jokingly slapped him right in the face, showing him unmistakably that Jonghyun was in fact just a normal young adult without any superpowers to speak of, and who could struggle with eating food just like anyone else.

 

Jonghyun spent the rest of their little stroll with constantly touching the tip of his tongue with his forefinger and frowning while doing so, Kibum patting his head and telling him over and over again that he wouldn’t die from this little accident, getting a mischievously mumbled ‘Are you sure? Are you going to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation should I fall unconscious all of a sudden?’ in return.

 

Concentrating all his attention on a whining Jonghyun let Kibum totally forget where they were, his head snapping up in surprise when the older one suddenly stopped in his steps.

 

“Can you guess what we are going to do?” he was asked and Kibum looked around, noticing a small unremarkable black shield attached to a concrete wall to his right, the white, clear lettering reading ‘ _Namsan escalator’_ , his eyes wandering further to see a small platform surrounded by safety glass walls. He gulped, eyes going up to see the huge tower on the mountain in front of him, his hands automatically getting sweaty.

 

“You don’t look excited at all.” Jonghyun sounded rather disappointed, stepping in front of Kibum, and tilting his head quizzically.

 

“It’s not…me…and heights…we don’t get along well, that’s all,” Kibum answered hesitantly, eyes wandering to Jonghyun for a second before going back to stare at the Namsan tower in front of them in fear.

 

“You are afraid of heights? How come you haven’t told me that until now?” Jonghyun inquired, poking Kibum with his index finger, his cute little pout back on his lips.

“Well, you didn’t want to drag me up a tower until now, I guess,” Kibum shrugged, dodging another poking attack.

 

“So, no tower for us? It’s where they film all the dramas. I couldn’t think of a more romantic place to start off a date in Seoul,” Jonghyun murmured into his scarf and looked down, kicking a few pebbles with the tip of his black boots. Kibum bit his bottom lip, feeling sorry for being such a lousy boyfriend all of a sudden.

 

“How come you’ve never been here on a date when it’s the most romantic place you could think of. I imagine girls love this kind of stuff?” He asked then, watching a few people get on the little glass cabin that just had arrived at the platform in snail pace.

 

“I’m not the type who usually does these clichéd kinds of romantic things. I’ve only ever been up there with my family once, but I was a kid back then. I just thought…since you’ve said you’ve never had an actual date…well, I just wanted to make it extra special for you. I even…” Jonghyun stopped mid-sentence and pulled the backpack from his shoulders, rummaging through it before pulling something out. “I even bought these for us, so we can write something on them and hang them up on the fence,” he added, stretching out his palm to show Kibum two small padlocks; one in pink and one in black.

 

For a second Kibum thought his heart might burst in adoration, eyes fixed on the two locks in Jonghyun’s hand.

 

“We don’t need to go up the actual tower, but there is this area underneath with the famous love locks and such, the view from there is really beautiful as well. There is a cable car going up,” Jonghyun tried again, Kibum’s stomach-turning when he heard the word cable car.

 

“Cable car?” he inquired cautiously, looking after the elevator cabin that moved slowly up the hill.

 

“There is also a bus going up, but then we have to walk a little downhill to the next station,” Jonghyun explained patiently, pointing behind himself. “Is that okay with you?”

 

Kibum nodded instantly, the gesture putting a smile on Jonghyun’s face.

 

“As long as I’m not moving through air…all is good,” Kibum assured, feeling his heart rate slow down again, the tightness in his chest slowly dissolving.

 

“Awesome,” Jonghyun grinned and placed the padlocks back into his backpack before putting it on again, starting to walk down the hill in front of them. It took them less than five minutes to reach the nearest bus station, the bright yellow colored shuttle bus filling up with dozens of people who all had the same idea as Kibum and Jonghyun. They were pressed together chest to chest when the bus started moving, Kibum’s hands holding onto the grab pole above his head to prevent himself from falling, and Jonghyun’s hands holding onto the pockets of the younger one’s coat.

 

The air in the bus was stuffy and the voices around them way too loud, the two boys constantly trying to balance themselves in the cramped space because the bus driver took every turn in the road like a formula one driver who wanted to win first place. Kibum was looking outside and watched the city pass by when Jonghyun pushed an earplug into his ear out of nowhere, a very soft male voice accompanied by a band audible to him all of a sudden, the melody calm and catchy.

 

[‘](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNGocN0ypeE) _[I hate](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNGocN0ypeE)walking next to you because your hand brushes against mine sometimes. I want to hold it every time it happens, but I can’t do that’_ the singer sung in Korean, Kibum’s eyes wandering to Jonghyun who looked up at him through a curtain of black bangs, mouth hidden behind his scarf. ‘ _I also don’t like sitting next to you, because you’ll fall asleep on my shoulder. And then until you wake up, we have different dreams about each other’_ the song continued, putting a small smile on Kibum’s face. He felt like he was part of a romantic movie, in which the protagonists forgot the world around them, the scene accompanied by a ballad to make the audience hearts feel all warm and fuzzy.

 

“That’s a nice song,” Kibum commented, one hand letting go from the grab pole so he could put it into the pocket of his coat, his fingers brushing against Jonghyun’s. Instead of responding anything Jonghyun’s eyes just turned into crescents, indicating that his scarf covered a smile, the back of his fingertips stroking Kibum’s hand.

 

“It’s a playlist I compiled while I was at my grandparents’ place with my family. It’s called ‘Thinking about Kibum’,” Jonghyun explained, Kibum’s forehead creasing.

 

“Thinking about Kibum?”

 

“Mmh…It’s a list of songs that remind me of you in one way or another. So when I missed you, I listened to them on shuffle,” he explained in a small voice that was almost completely drowned out by the people talking around them and the sound of the bus’ running engine. Kissing Jonghyun right there and then was the one thing Kibum craved for the most, his fingers curling a little tighter around the yellow lacquered metal pole above his head to suppress this urge.

 

“You need to let me listen to that playlist sometime,” he said instead, sounding a little strained, glancing outside, the buildings becoming smaller and smaller in front of his eyes as they drove up the mountain to the Namsan Seoul Tower.

 

“We can listen to them when we get back home.”

 

Home. It still scared him and excited him at the same time to finally meet Jonghyun’s parents, to finally meet the people who brought such a wonderful person into this world. He was also looking forward to being back in Jonghyun’s room again. The room where everything had started, in which Jonghyun had kissed him for the first time. He probably would never be able to forget the soju and cookie taste the kiss had left on his tongue.

 

“What kind of people are your parents? Will they like me?” Kibum asked then, feeling the other’s finger nudge against the hand in his pocket.

 

“How can anyone not like you?” Jonghyun answered the question with another one, the younger one pulling a face in return. “I think my mom is a lot like yours. She’s very kind, has a big heart, and only wants the best for the family. However, the family’s reputation is always important to her…and I believe…sometimes too important? She wants everything to be perfect. It can be…well, it can be quite exhausting and burdening to live up to that. And my father…,” Jonghyun stopped for a second and hesitated, gaze lowering. “He’s at work most of the time, so I don’t get to see him that often. He’s like a guest in his own house. For him, it’s all about work and money.”

 

“So you don’t have a good relationship with him?” Kibum carefully probed into, seeing the other shrug shortly after.

 

“It’s not like a have a bad relationship with him. It’s more like I have a non-existent relationship with him. My mom has always been the one taking care of us, and the one who tried to turn us into decent human beings,” he explained further, his fingertips curling around Kibum’s palm. Nodding understandingly Kibum fell silent after their short exchange, feeling the warmth of the other’s fingertips, thinking about his own begetter. He still hadn’t forgiven him for leaving both his mom and him alone for a woman half his age, being so egoistic and self-centered that he had only thought about himself and not the family he had left behind for even a second. Humans could be disgusting creations without any sense of morality, stopping at nothing to get what they wanted. Kibum wondered whether he would be able to ever sacrifice someone else’s happiness for his own benefit, whether he could deal with the emotional baggage he would have to carry afterwards.

 

It took the bus almost half an hour to reach their destination, Kibum feeling slightly claustrophobic and nauseous when they finally stumbled outside, his knees wobbly from the long ride. The air felt fresh and crisp as they walked up wooden stairs through a small forest to reach the foot of the tower, the wind stronger than it had been in the city center, gaunt tree branches swaying in the breeze.

 

“It’s the perfect timing. The sun is about to set…One could think I’ve planned it like this,” Jonghyun announced with a grin as they finally reached the tower after five minutes of conquering steep steps, the view alone giving Kibum the shivers as he breathed heavily through his mouth, his body not used to walking these many stairs. The tower looked gigantic from his position, a seemingly never-ending chunk of metal and concrete.

 

“Don’t worry, I won’t drag you up there.”

 

When Kibum turned his head towards Jonghyun, the other was smiling at him again, his scarf now pushed beneath his chin to reveal a pair of slightly chapped lips.

 

“Let’s go up these stairs over there. That’s where they built a fence and some metal trees for the locks.”

 

There were a lot of people swarming around the area as the two of them made their way over to the terrace, many couples and families taking photos, scribbling on locks, or looking for the perfect spot to hang up their little written sentiments on pieces of metal.

 

“It’s said that one’s love lasts forever if you throw the key away after hanging up the locks. Corny, right?” Jonghyun laughed, seeking out a scribbled on bench near the fence to sit down onto. “It’s funny how people fall for these marketing strategies and come here instead of actually working on making their relationships work,” he philosophized while taking off his backpack, and placing it onto his knees.

“If you don’t like it, why did you bring me up here?”

 

Kibum sat down next to the other and watched him pull out the padlocks he had showed him earlier, giving him the pink one before pulling out two sharpies as well.

 

“Because I know that you like this sort of thing, and if I can make you happy…it makes me happy as well,” Jonghyun voiced, snuffling, the features on Kibum’s face softening.

 

“You are such a sap,” he snickered into his scarf, turning the lock in his hand, thumb running over the smooth, cold material.

 

“Am I? I wasn’t like that before I’ve met you. You’ve changed me, Kibum…you’ve changed me.” Jonghyun poked the younger in the ribs after his playful remark, Kibum holding onto his side with a laugh.

 

“I hope that’s not a bad thing, though,” he wondered and took the black sharpie the other handed him, removing the cap.

 

“I think that depends on how you are looking at it. I for one think it’s a good change. Thank you.”

 

There was a genuine smile drawn on Jonghyun’s face when Kibum looked over at him, his heartbeat increasing once again, and his gaze lowering to take a better look at the sharpie in his hand. Wasn’t this all way too perfect? The scenario? Jonghyun? There needed to be a catch somewhere. Anywhere. No matter how happy Kibum was about their relationship having developed so smoothly after a bumpy start, he was afraid that this happiness wouldn’t last, that he had missed reading something in the small print and that something or someone would take this happiness away from him sooner or later.

 

All his life Kibum had dealt with feelings of inferiority, bullying, rejection, and loneliness, had embraced them as his only friends and had always felt like no matter what he did it wasn’t good enough or wrong in other people’s eyes. But ever since he had met Jonghyun and Jinki his life had turned to the better, the two of them making him feel like he was good the way he was, and that him being different wasn’t him being wrong.

 

“Let’s write messages to each other on here and exchange them before we hang them up somewhere, okay?”

 

Kibum blinked his eyes when he heard the other’s voice again, which pulled him out of his thoughts, and he nodded in response, watching the other eagerly move on to the task, the look of determination making Kibum smile fondly. Maybe this time everything would go well and he worried over nothing. Maybe they were really meant to be and Jonghyun wouldn’t turn out to be his first love that didn’t last, but his first love that…did last.

 

It took Kibum a while to figure out what he wanted to write, the space on the padlock too little to write a long love letter on it. After flipping the padlock in his hand over and over again, he wrote down something simple that still told Jonghyun everything he wanted to let him know without it sounding too cringe-worthy.

 

**_‘Thank you for being the person you are and thank you for accepting me as the person I am. I love you – chu – Ki’_ **

****

When both of them were done, they exchanged their padlocks, Kibum smiling at the usage of pink sharpie on the black padlock Jonghyun had brought. The other had clearly thought this whole date through in all details.

 

 **_‘I don’t believe in gods, but I’m still thankful for whatever force (maybe Jinki? keke) has brought you to me. You make my life more colorful, and inspire me to be a better person. Thank you! I ♥ U – Jong (´_ ** **_ε_ ** **_` )♡ ‘_ **

****

Jonghyun had used both sides to write his little message, tiny pink hearts decorating the space he hadn’t filled with letters. For someone who tried to avoid being too sappy, Jonghyun was very good at it, Kibum smiling at the word colorful, which the other had underlined with the marker. He was about to say something when he felt a pair of arms hug him for the side, the softness of Jonghyun’s beanie brushing against his cheek when the other placed his head on his shoulder.

 

“No need to thank me for not acting like an ass,” he said then, rubbing his head against Kibum’s cheeks as to tease him before letting go of him again.

 

“Doing something that others consider to be romantic, doesn’t seem too bad after all. I feel all warm inside all of a sudden,” Jonghyun joked, placing his hand above his heart, tapping his fingers against it.

 

“A clichéd romanticist after all, huh?”

 

“Shhh…don’t say it too loudly, I’ve got a reputation to lose.”

 

Both of them started laughing shortly after, Kibum shaking his head at the nonsense the other was talking. Kibum was happy that he could spend some quality time with Jonghyun again, having him all to himself, being able to talk to him freely again. He wondered whether he would ever be able to be together with Jonghyun like this every day.

 

“Okay, let’s look for a nice spot for them.”

 

Saying this Jonghyun stood up from the bench and looked around the terrace, Kibum following his lead and doing the same. It took them a while to find the perfect spot, Jonghyun not satisfied with hanging their padlocks on one of the trees, and Kibum not happy with the spot Jonghyun had chosen at first, because he didn’t like the colors of the already hanging locks that much, the majority of them being either orange, yellow or already old and rusty. They wandered around from one corner to the other for about fifteen minutes and read messages left by other visitors before they finally found a spot both felt content with, Jonghyun locking Kibum’s padlock around his own first before they fastened the two of them on a still rather empty part of the fence from where one could overview the city and put the padlock’s keys into the pocket of his jeans.

 

“The city looks so peaceful and quiet from up here,” Jonghyun commented as they stood in front of the breast-high fence, Kibum agreeing with a hum. Seoul looked beautiful from up here, the light from the setting sun reflecting in each window of the hundreds of skyscrapers below their feet. They were quiet for a while and watched the sun slowly set, the sky turning slowly from its beautiful bright blue into shades of pink, red and orange before gradually changing into purple. It was incredibly cold on top of the mountain, Kibum feeling his nose run, his hands deeply stuffed into the pockets of his coat, his toes turning into ice.

 

“Thank you for taking me here. The view is very beautiful,” he murmured into his scarf while Jonghyun took photos of the sunset with his phone, turning towards him after having snapped several.

 

“Say cheese!” Jonghyun grinned and held up his cell phone, Kibum making a peace sign in response, but hiding his mouth behind the thickness of his scarf.

 

“You look like you are freezing your little butt off,” the older one commented after checking the display of his phone with a grin, Kibum leaning forward to check out the photo as well. It really looked like he was freezing.

 

“Well, I already felt warmer in my life,” he admitted, getting an understanding nod from Jonghyun.

 

“If you want to we can leave, but we first have to take a selfie. Capturing this moment and so on. Dating Etiquette. We live in the 21st century and therefore everything has to be digitally documented,” Jonghyun explained with a grin and came over to Kibum a second later, both of them turning their back towards the city before sticking their heads together, Jonghyun lifting his phone with one hand and showing a toothy grin before taking several photos in a row.

 

“This one is cute,” he stated after taking a look at his phone and showed the picture to Kibum, the photo on the screen looking very cute indeed. “I’ll make it my new lock screen,” the older one announced then and quickly went into the settings of his phone, pressing some buttons before turning to Kibum with a smile. “Okay, I think we can tick off the first activity on our list for tonight…the bus comes every 15 minutes so we don’t need to wait long to get back down, let’s go.”

 

With a wave of his hand he already started walking, but then suddenly turned around again midway and jogged back to their padlocks.

 

“I forgot to take a photo of the locks,” he explained after Kibum looked at him in confusion, the two of them heading to the bus station when Jonghyun was done with picture taking.

 

They were lucky as the bus already waited after they had managed to climb back down the stairs, Kibum’s legs hurting with every step he took because his muscles felt like they were frozen to ice. He just wanted to get on the bus as fast as possible, a sigh of relief leaving his lips as they settled down on two empty seats, the heating in the bus turned on, not many people being on the bus with them yet.

 

“It’s so cold,” Kibum murmured, his voice shivering, heels bobbing up and down in hope to make himself feel warmer as he glanced at the window, only seeing his own reflection in it. Even though the view had been beautiful, and the idea of the padlocks had been incredibly cute, Kibum would have preferred it if they had done something like this in summer when the temperatures weren’t almost down to zero degrees.

 

“Give me your hand since mine is always warm,” Jonghyun suggested and took his left hand out of his pocket before closing his fingers around Kibum’s right hand and putting both their hands back into the pocket of his jacket. Kibum failed to suppress a smile that wanted to creep onto his face, enjoying the comforting grip the other’s hand had on his.

 

“We’re going to have something to eat now at a warm and nice place. Does this sound good to you?”

 

“This sounds perfect, to be honest,” Kibum answered, already looking forward to eating something hot to warm up from the inside again. When the bus started its journey back into the city five minutes later Jonghyun and Kibum listened to music again, Jonghyun’s free hand tapping on his knee to the rhythm of the music. It felt comfortable sitting next to Jonghyun in silence. To Kibum it showed how close they had become in the past few weeks. If you were able to share silence contentedly, you were able to share everything else with each other as well.

 

The way back into the city seemed shorter than the way up the mountain, the two of them getting off the bus at a different station, Jonghyun finding his way through the maze of streets like a mouse looking for something to eat. The city and the people who lived in it looked different at night, women’s make up just a little thicker, men’s hair just a little more styled, advertisements just a little brighter. Music blared from every corner, the smell of spicy food surrounding them. Their stroll wasn’t very long until Jonghyun came to a halt in front of a place that looked like it was taken out of a 60’s American movie set. The exterior was painted in pastel pink, and through huge windows, Kibum could glance inside, the restaurant resembling an old American diner with a black and white tiled floor, and red plastic stools and benches, movie posters decorating every wall.

 

“Since you always seem so fond of American pop music and movies I thought you might like it here,” Jonghyun grinned and entered the restaurant, a little bell next to the entrance tolling when the older one opened the door. They were lead to an empty booth by a waitress that looked around their own age, Kibum sitting down on a round stool that was fixed to the ground and Jonghyun taking a seat on the bench on the opposite side of the table. There was a jukebox in the corner, playing Elvis Presley songs and despite the restaurant looking a little too clichéd Kibum liked the light atmosphere it emitted, a framed movie poster of ‘Gone with the wind’ hanging above Jonghyun’s head.

 

Even though the menu was written in Hangul the words it used were all taken from the English language, photos of fries, hamburgers, and milkshakes plastered all over the white thick paper. Both went for hamburgers with fries and some soft drinks, Jonghyun’s legs hugging Kibum’s beneath the table again after the waitress had taken their orders. There weren’t many other people in this restaurant, only a group of high school kids and a couple who held hands while sharing a huge bowl of ice cream. He wanted to hold Jonghyun’s hand as well, envying the couple who seemed to only have eyes for each other. It always hurt him when reality held up a mirror to him like this, showing him that no matter how natural it was for him to be with Jonghyun that in other people’s eyes it wouldn’t be natural if he and the other one openly held hands in a restaurant or kissed for that matter.

 

“What are you thinking?”

 

Being lost in his own thoughts Kibum felt startled when Jonghyun suddenly addressed him, his head turning towards the other who looked at him a little worried.

 

“I…I just thought that we won’t be able to hold hands here, that’s all,” he admitted truthfully, dropping his gaze, and feeling a little embarrassed.

 

“You want to hold hands with me?” Jonghyun tilted his head with a grin. He had taken his beanie off right after they had settled down, his fingers constantly fumbling with his hair in a hopeless attempt to make it look less messy.

 

“I always want to hold hands with you,” Kibum replied honestly, feeling his cheeks heat up when the grin on Jonghyun’s face widened.

 

“I will hold your hand all night if you want to.”

 

Despite the proposal being as innocent as it possibly could be, the blush on Kibum’s cheeks only intensified, so he cleared his throat behind one fist and thanked the waitress when she brought their drinks.

 

“So, how was your week? How are your exam preparations coming along? Do you feel well-prepared?” Jonghyun asked while fighting with the straw of his lemonade, Kibum frowning in disapproval after he heard the other’s question.

 

“Please, no school talk. It’s already enough to listen to Jinki ramble about nothing else anymore, making me feel even worse for not being as hardworking as he is,” Kibum admitted with a sigh, and closed his lips around the straw in his coke, taking a sip from it.

 

“Sorry. I’m sure you will do well. You are a clever person, don’t underestimate yourself, and don’t compare yourself to Jinki or anyone else. You do you…it’s pointless to compare yourself to others since everyone is different and has their own pace. As long as you try your own best…everything is fine,” Jonghyun tried to motivate the other and instead of a comforting squeeze of his hand, Kibum felt the older one’s calves slightly press against his legs, the gesture making him smile.

 

“Thank you,” he mumbled with the straw between his lips, his fingers holding onto the glass in front of him.

 

“I checked different university dorms last night,” Jonghyun then suddenly said, causing Kibum to prick up his ears.

 

“You want to move out?”

 

The other shrugged and leaned back in his seat, stretching his arms.

 

“I’m not completely sure yet. My sister moved into a dorm because she studies in a different city, but Seoul National University is not that far away from my parents’ place, so it would be a waste of money if I decided to move out. But…I don’t know…I kind of feel the need for a change somehow? However, it would feel unfair towards my mom, I guess. She already cried her eyes out when my sister left…and she would probably feel like she failed as a mother if I took the first chance I got to move out. This really gives me a headache lately,” Jonghyun sighed deeply, propping up his chin in his hand.

 

Kibum hummed while nodding his head, trying to formulate a good advice like Jonghyun always did, but he didn’t know what could help to solve the other’s confusion.

 

“What do you think would be the advantages if you moved out?”

 

“For one, I think it would help me to grow as a person…and secondly…well…,” Jonghyun halted for a second and lowered his gaze with a grin. “You could come around any time of the day and stay as long as you want to,” he added, looking up at Kibum again who almost choked on his coke when he saw the penetrating look in the other’s eyes. How was it possible for someone to be as subtle as possible about something, but still get their point across perfectly? Kibum was well aware that Jonghyun wasn’t just talking about visiting him for a nice talk over a glass of milk or a little cookie snack.

 

“Your mind is a very dirty place,” Kibum mumbled, trying to push any thoughts of possible alone time with Jonghyun without the fear of anyone interrupting them away.

 

“Wait…what? I didn’t say anything bad,” Jonghyun responded hastily and pretended to be shocked, holding his hands in front of his chest protectively. “You are the one with the dirty mind here. Maybe you should take a walk?” he teased then, laughing when the younger one kicked him beneath the table.

 

“But it would be nice, wouldn’t it? If I had my own place and we could be together in a way we want to…without hiding.”

 

Jonghyun sounded more serious now, the grin on his lips gone, and his hands closing around his beverage, fingertips gliding along the rim of the glass. With just one sentence the atmosphere had changed between them and the lightheartedness from before was gone in an instant, both boys looking at the drinks in their hands.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to kill the mood. Let’s talk about something more uplifting. I’m really getting hungry. I hope the food will be here soon,” Jonghyun then tried to change the topic, his slouched posture straightening again, his usual smile back on his lips when he looked around the diner as if he searched for their order. Without saying it directly Jonghyun’s little statement still hit home. They had never really talked about it because Kibum didn’t know how to approach this subject, but he often wondered how burdensome their relationship had to be for the other.

 

It had taken Kibum years to finally accept the fact that he would never be interested in girls no matter how hard he tried to think of them while masturbating. His mind had never been able to cooperate, images of women automatically exchanged for men in his head. Growing up in a society where the only publically accepted form of a relationship was between a man and a woman had cost him an endless amount of sleep and tears, but spending a lot of time online and realizing that he wasn’t alone with his feelings had helped him to come to terms with himself.

 

He wondered whether Jonghyun had ever thought about his own sexuality if it even mattered to him. From their talks he knew that the other had never really shown any particular interest in men, but here they were, talking about being alone together in an apartment Jonghyun didn’t have yet. The older one always appeared like he had his mind all sorted out like he was in peace with himself and the things he wanted in life without being influenced by his opinions by others.

 

But was that really the case?

 

How was it so easy for Jonghyun to accept the fact that he liked someone of the same sex when it had been so hard to accept for Kibum? It seemed so effortless. Was that even possible?

 

Before Kibum could get lost in his own thoughts again the waitress finally arrived with their food, his eyes widening when he saw the size of the hamburger in front of him.

 

“It’s huge,” he said in awe and looked up at Jonghyun who held the plate up in front of his face.

 

“It’s as big as my head almost. We can roll out of the restaurant when we are done,” Jonghyun laughed and placed the plate back down again, stretching out his hand to grab the ketchup bottle at the end of the table.

 

“Enjoy your meal,” he said when both of them had cleaned their hands with lemon sentenced wipes, Jonghyun then taking the burger into both hands and taking a huge bite of it.

 

“Oh my god, it’s so goooood.”

 

His words were almost inaudible due to the munching, both his cheeks filled with food, causing Kibum to laugh. They had a good time while eating their meal, Kibum trying to forget his worries and negative thoughts for a while and concentrating on the present instead. Both of them joked around and told stupid joked, some of the other guests looking over at them from time to time when one of them got the giggles. Neither of them was able to finish their dish so they got it bagged with Jonghyun’s reasoning that they could eat the rest as a midnight snack.

 

When Jonghyun was about to pay the bill Kibum protested and wanted to chip in, but the older one only shook his head repeatedly, telling him that he was invited and he shouldn’t worry about it. Feeling a little discontent Kibum gave in, making a mental note to repay the other in one way or another. After being inside for quite some time the temperature outside felt even colder than before, Kibum burying his nose into his scarf as they stepped onto the street again.

 

“Are you enjoying yourself so far?” Jonghyun inquired curiously while they walked along the sidewalk, the streets just as busy as they had been before they had entered the restaurant.

 

“Yes, the food was very good.”

 

“What a relief,” the older one grinned brightly, pointing with his finger at a bright sign at the end of the street. “That’s where we are heading,” he explained, Kibum figuring out that the sign belonged to an arcade a little while later. The volume inside was incredibly loud, different kind of sounds and music blaring from all sides, the whole place swarmed with high school students and parents with children. There were claw machines, photo booths, racing games, music games, air hockey, billiard tables, slot machines, and even karaoke booths spread over the entire floor, Kibum being quite overwhelmed by the sight at first. They had arcades in his hometown as well, but none of them had even been half the size of this place, Kibum not really knowing where to look because there were just too many things to see and discover.

 

“This arcade has three floors. You can even play blacklight mini golf here,” Jonghyun explained, leaning towards the other so he could hear him better. “So let’s go and spend some money!”

 

They spent money, a lot of it, trying out all possible games they could find on the three floors; from dancing against each other during a game of Dance Dance Revolution, to winning sweets at the claw machines, and visiting the underwater themed mini golf course on the third floor.

 

After spending some time at one of the many car racing games Jonghyun pulled Kibum to one of the many photo booths, Kibum feeling sweat on his forehead when he sank down exhaustedly on the small bench in front of the camera, Jonghyun pulling the curtain close behind them before he sat down next to him.

 

“Having fun is so exhausting,” Kibum sighed, a little taken aback when he felt Jonghyun’s lips on his the next second, the subtle touch surprising but not unwelcome.

 

“What are you doing?” he mumbled against the other’s lips, grinning when Jonghyun answered “Kissing you. What does it look like to you?” in the same manner. The other’s lips felt less smooth than they usually did and Kibum could feel the little flaps of dry skin on the other’s bottom lip while kissing, the slightly scraping feeling letting him experience a new kind of sensation.

 

“Is this becoming a habit of yours? Dragging me into small, cramped spaces to kiss me?” Kibum teased when the other let go of him, a small laugh leaving Jonghyun’s lips.

 

“Maybe,” he answered with a wink before gathering up some coins from his wallet and throwing them into the slot next to the lens of the camera.

 

“Okay, what are we going for? Normal, cute, or silly?”

 

“Why not all three?” Kibum questioned in return, looking at the little mirror beneath the lens to fix his fringe.

 

“True,” Jonghyun nodded, and then pressed the touch screen in front of them.

 

“Okay…it’s going to take four photos now. Let’s start with a normal one, then a cute one, and then a silly one.”

 

Before Kibum had time to ask what they were going to do for the last photo the timer on the display was ticking away, Kibum putting on the most charming smile he could manage, seeing stars for a moment when the flashlight of the camera blinded him. For the cute picture, he puffed up his cheeks and held up peace signs next to his face, and then stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes inwards for the silly photo. As he blinked his eyes from the flashlight after the third photo was taken his face was pulled towards Jonghyun, the other’s hands on both of his cheeks, the kiss that soon followed not subtle as one would make it for the sake of a photograph, but quite steamy with Jonghyun teasing his upper lip with the tip of his tongue and then softly biting his bottom lip.

 

They were still kissing when the photo was long taken, a little sigh leaving Kibum’s mouth when one of Jonghyun’s hands wandered down from his cheek to his upper thigh, squeezing it. The way Jonghyun kissed him had slightly changed over the span of the past few weeks, the movements of his lips and tongue more straightforward and more demanding ever since Kibum had started to come out of his comfort zone. He seemed to not hold back as much as he used to anymore, expecting Kibum to stop him if it got too much for him instead. Even though Kibum enjoyed this development it also made it harder for him to think properly and keep his body in check, his neither regions starting to twitch when Jonghyun gently sucked on his tongue.

 

“Jong, you have to stop,” he murmured after a while and pulled his head back, licking his lips when he looked at the other’s glistening mouth.

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t want to leave this place with a boner in my pants,” he admitted truthfully, being pleasantly surprised by his own bluntness. Both of them started laughing after a moment of silence, Jonghyun pressing a kiss to Kibum’s forehead before standing up and leaving the booth to take their finished photo strip out of the tray.

 

“Wow…the last one could be on the cover of some schoolboy porn DVD…I mean we are wearing too many clothes, but you get a general idea,” he said after taking a look at the photos, showing the strip of the black and white pictures to Kibum afterwards.

That’s how they looked while kissing? Kibum was fascinated by the way Jonghyun’s hands held his face and his teeth gently tugged on his bottom lip, both their eyes closed. He gulped and felt the desire of wanting to go back into the booth immediately to continue the scene from the photo, the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his lips.

 

“We look good while making out. Maybe we should consider a side profession in this area and earn some money with that,” Jonghyun joked and poked Kibum playfully in the stomach, the other still too captivated by the last photo of the strip he held in his hands to give a proper response.

 

“Can I have the last one?” he asked while still staring at the photo, the sound of Jonghyun’s hearty laugh ringing in his ears soon afterwards, the other’s hand ruffling his hair.

 

“Of course, if you like it that much,” Jonghyun said then, his fingers running along the shell of Kibum’s left ear. “If you are so into looking at yourself while being kissed by me we can take similar ones back at my place.”

 

When Kibum lifted his head the other looked at him expectantly, probably thinking that Kibum would blush or tell him that he was too kinky for his own good, but he did neither of these things and nodded instead, a softly spoken “I’d like that” escaping his lips almost automatically. Amazed by the frank answer Jonghyun raised one of his eyebrows looking at Kibum for a moment before he started to grin.

 

“Oh my, you’ve changed, too, Kibum. You’ve changed, too,” he said by picking up their discussion from earlier and held one hand in front of his mouth.

 

“Is this a bad thing?”

 

Jonghyun shook his head immediately and waved his hands in front of his chest.

“No, definitely not…I’m loving every second of it.”

 

Kibum only looked at the other photos when both of them left the arcades, his nose immediately hiding behind his scarf when the cold night airbrushed over them. It was past nine when they left the arcades, but Seoul was still as loud as it had been during the daytime, cars honking on the streets, hundreds of people occupying the sidewalks.

 

“Okay…Let’s sum up our date until now,” Jonghyun started when they walked to the nearest metro station, holding up his fingers in front of Kibum’s face. “We had good food, we did something that both of us enjoy, and we also did something that brought us closer together. Well…the photo might stay in your memory forever, but I hadn’t planned for that to happen…so I figured we are doing one last thing for tonight…and I hope it will stay in your memory for a pretty long time,” he listed with a smile, almost hopping next to Kibum.

 

“Where are you planning to take me then?” Kibum asked, watching his own breath swirling through the air.

 

“We are going to Hannam by train.”

 

“Hannam? Why Hannam of all places?”

 

Kibum still wasn’t completely familiar with the geography of Seoul, but he couldn’t remember ever hearing Hannam station in combination with something memorable.

 

“I want to show you my favorite place in Seoul. The place is close to the apartment we lived in when I was little and we often went there as a family. The view from there at night is very pretty.”

 

They reached the station quite quickly, walking down the stairs to the platform, the underground station less crowded than Kibum had expected it to be. The train ride only took about fifteen minutes, the two of them listening to music again and playing a round of rock-paper-scissors over and over again until they heard the announcement for Hannam station. Kibum didn’t feel like leaving the heated train and shivered when they left the station, the highway running right along the exit, no people to be found far and wide. In the darkness, this deserted place looked rather frightening, and Kibum looked around for any sign of life, but there were only cars and trucks driving along the street with high speed.

 

“I don’t like it here,” Kibum mumbled and pulled up his shoulders, being flabbergasted at first when Jonghyun took his hand and started walking. Holding hands in public like this was a new experience, and even though Kibum knew that Jonghyun only did it because it was dark and there were no people to be seen, it felt good and comforting.

 

“We’re not going to stay here. We’re going to the other side of the Han river,” he explained calmly and pulled the younger one with him, both of them climbing up the stairs to the bridge right next to the station. The wind was incredibly cold as they made their way to the other side, no one passing them on their little adventure. Kibum could understand why. No one in their right mind wanted to cross a bridge when it was freezing cold, the hand that was warmed up by Jonghyun’s being the only part of his body that didn’t feel like it was made out of ice. He wasn’t the biggest fan of winter, to begin with since he preferred the warmer days of spring, but he couldn’t remember ever having felt this cold before in his life.

 

“Aren’t you cold?” he asked Jonghyun when they finally reached the end of the bridge, the lack of wind making the temperature immediately making his body feel warmer, and his mind lighter.

 

“I am, but I like it. I love low temperatures because I don’t sweat that much then.”

 

“I honestly prefer warmer temperatures,” Kibum muttered, seeing a few joggers running along the reddish colored path, and some people with their dogs strolling around. When he wanted to pull his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip the older one only tightened it, telling him ‘That it was fine, and that no one would pay any attention to it here’.

 

The path was sparsely illuminated, to their left the skyline of Seoul’s center visible and to their right huge meadows with some seating accommodations here and there. Kibum couldn’t remember ever being on this side of the river, the lights of the huge buildings on the other side nicely reflecting in the water. When they reached a very simply constructed, little, open wooden pavilion they sat down in it cross-legged and looked over to the river.

 

“At first I came here often with my family and when I was old enough to walk outside alone I came here almost daily by myself to think in peace or to cry. At night it’s incredibly quiet, and almost no one comes around during winter. You are the first one I brought here actually. It is the sacred place of my childhood,” Jonghyun explained quietly, his eyes fixed on the river in front of them.

 

“Thank you for showing me this place. The view is beautiful,” Kibum whispered, squeezing the other’s hand. It meant the world to him that Jonghyun trusted him enough to show him something so dear to him. Seeing the Han River at night from this spot had to be one of the most impressive things Kibum had seen in Seoul so far. It was hard to find a place in Seoul that wasn’t occupied by dozens or hundreds of people and didn’t carry the hectic atmosphere of this megalopolis. It was nice to flee the life of the city for a moment to be closer to nature, the reflection of the city skyline in the flowing water having a calming effect on Kibum.

 

“I really like you, you know.”

 

Kibum turned his head towards Jonghyun when he heard the sudden declaration, looking at the other questioningly.

 

“It won’t be easy, but I’m sure we can make this work for real…I mean hopefully for a very long time. This here…it just feels right to me.”

 

After saying this Jonghyun moved a little and let his hand glide into the back pocket of his jeans, pulling out the two small keys from their padlocks.

 

“I already told you that I’m not really into this sort of thing, but maybe a little extra luck won’t hurt. If we throw these keys into the Han River this relationship should do extra well, right?” he grinned, looking down at the keys in his hand.

 

“You are by far the sappiest person I’ve ever met. Don’t even try to ever deny it again,” Kibum snickered, stretching out his hand to pull Jonghyun’s beanie down to his nose, the other complaining vocally. It did feel right to be with Jonghyun, it did feel perfectly right. The love he felt for the person sitting right next to him couldn’t be described by mere words. To Kibum it felt like his feelings for Jonghyun only grew stronger with every passing day, and listening to the other having similar feelings for him, was so far out of anything Kibum had ever imagined to hear that he could do nothing but joke about it to calm his own frantically beating heart.

 

“I just wanted to make this day special for you…for us,” Jonghyun grumbled, correcting the fit of his beanie again, snuffling.

 

“Us sounds nice,” Kibum admitted before he leaned his head on the older one’s shoulder, closing his eyes for a moment.

 

“It does indeed.”

Sitting together like this felt nice and for a moment Kibum was able to turn off all his thoughts, only concentrating on the sound of the river in front of them and on Jonghyun’s familiar smell. If this was what dates were like he wanted to go on them more often from now on, not necessarily dates that cost any money, but just taking strolls around the neighborhood, discovering different places together, maybe even coming back to this place again.

 

“Thank you for today. This really means a lot to me. No one has ever done something like this for me before,” Kibum said after a while and sat up straight again, Jonghyun sending him a soft smile.

 

“I’m glad you liked it. Our date isn’t completely over yet, though. I’ve also prepared something for us in my room.”

 

When Kibum looked at him skeptically Jonghyun held up his hands again in defense, laughing.

 

“What do you even think of me? It’s completely harmless and innocent. Let’s throw these keys into the water and go home. Otherwise, we will only fall sick,” Jonghyun then said and wanted to get up when Kibum held him back, holding onto his hand.

 

“Wait for a second,” he whispered before he leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to Jonghyun’s cold lips, the gesture accepted by the other with a smile.

 

“In this case…I can indeed wait for a second,” Jonghyun grinned brightly as Kibum leaned back, the younger one hitting him lightly on the arm before getting up.

 

“You are such a weirdo,” he scoffed teasingly and walked over to the river bank, waiting for Jonghyun to follow him. He felt tired and exhausted, but knowing Jonghyun he was quite sure that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep early at the other’s house tonight, the thought making him smile stupidly at himself.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 21**

 

“My father is probably not even home yet, so there is no need to worry, and my mother won’t bite you,” Jonghyun tried to coax Kibum as they turned onto the street he lived on, the younger one of the two already seeing the houses with the strikingly light blue rooftops from afar in the fluorescent light of the surrounding streetlamps. Kibum hadn’t talked much on their way back to Jonghyun’s place, his body too tired to function properly, and his mind occupied with pointless worries. Despite knowing that he would survive the encounter with the other’s parents, his heart still wouldn’t let him come to rest. With sweaty hands he hurdled the last few meters, Jonghyun sending him an encouraging smile before they came to a halt in front of number 243A, the older one unzipping his backpack to fish out his door key.

 

Kibum remembered standing in front of this door many weeks ago, his heart racing in his chest as quickly as it had back then, although the reason for it had been a different one. Back then Jonghyun had opened him the door with wet hair, wearing an oversized hoodie and comfy sweatpants, and now he stood right beside him, unlocking the door and letting them inside.

 

“Mom, we’re home,” Jonghyun called into the hallway while kicking off his shoes at the entrance, peeling off the thick scarf around his neck to hang it onto the coatrack right next to the door. Meanwhile, Kibum hesitated in doing anything at all, standing a little awkwardly next to Jonghyun, looking around for any sign of life. When he heard footsteps coming from the living room he immediately straightened up, a very small woman – even smaller than his own mother – appearing in front of them.

 

“Ah, there you are,” she said in a friendly voice, a smile adorning her roundish face. Jonghyun had her eyes, he noticed immediately, stiffening when his eyes met hers. Kibum bowed politely, and uttered a bashful ‘Good evening!’ forcing the corners of his lips to turn upwards.

 

“Mom, this is Kibum. We’re are going…”

 

“Oh my, what a handsome boy you are. Look at your face! So delicate! Why weren’t there any boys looking like you when I went to school? Maybe I wouldn’t have married Jonghyun’s father then.”

 

There was a hearty laugh coming from Jonghyun’s mother who clapped her hands in excitement before coming up to Kibum, patting his left arm fondly. Kibum desperately tried to suppress the blush creeping onto his face, laughing nervously, and bowing his head once again in thanks.

 

“Mom, you are embarrassing,” Jonghyun sighed, defeated, and took off his beanie to ruffle the mess of hair beneath it.

 

“What’s embarrassing about giving a compliment? Did you two already eat? Otherwise, I’m going to cook you something,” she asked, going up to her son to caress his cheek, which he tolerated but didn’t seem too happy about,

 

“We’re good. We had some burgers earlier.”

 

A disgruntled expression appeared on her face, and she shook her head, massaging Jonghyun’s shoulder.

 

“Teenagers and their obsession with junk food. This unhealthy stuff is not good for growing boys and is only going to make you fat. No girl wants to date a boy the size of Kang Hodong, Jonghyun.”

 

Kibum felt his insides tie into knots when he heard his boyfriend’s name mentioned in the same breath as the word girls, but he forced himself to smile since Mrs. Kim’s eyes wandered back to him, examining him warmly.

 

“So handsome,” she repeated, and Kibum lowered his head, not used to such affectionate treatment by a woman other than his own mother. Maybe Jonghyun was right and the two of them were quite similar in their character.

 

“Mom, you are making him uncomfortable,” Jonghyun interjected all of sudden, and Kibum felt how the other’s hand tugged on his coat, causing him to look up again. “Let’s go.”

 

“If you need anything, Kibum, don’t hesitate to ask Jonghyun for it. Sometimes his host qualities leave a lot to be desired,” Mrs. Kim called after them when Kibum had finally slipped out of his sneakers and followed Jonghyun up the stairs to his room. The casual comment made Kibum smile and he nodded understandingly, eyes wandering along the dozens of family portraits he hadn’t seen for such a long time. Every step he took felt familiar and yet oddly different, his eyes drifting over to Jonghyun’s butt that wasn’t covered by an oversized sweater this time but by a white, simple T-shirt. Kibum almost stumbled over his feet when his eyes had focused on the movements of the other’s body for too long, and he cursed under his breath, slowly believing that these stairs wanted him to fall.

 

“I’m an excellent host by the way. I have no idea what my mother is talking about.”

 

Jonghyun whispered and turned around as they reached the upper level of the house, looking slightly insulted as he walked towards his room, pulling a silver key out of his pocket; a red cotton thread attached to it.

 

“You locked your room?” Kibum asked curiously while Jonghyun put the key into its lock and turned it around, a soft click resounding over the floor.

 

“Yeah, precaution. I didn’t want to answer my mother any questions she might have if she happened to walk into my room when it looks like this,” he explained as he pushed the door open, turning the lights on to reveal what he meant by ‘looking like this’. Kibum’s eyes widened as he took in the scenery in front of him, the room having nothing in common with the Spartan furnished one he remembered from his first and to date last visit.

 

He was quickly ushered inside before he could ask any questions, gaping in awe at the pastel pink and white covered futons, blankets and pillows spread out over the entirety of the white carpet, fairy lights draped along the slope in Jonghyun’s room and fastened with cello tape.

 

“What?”

 

He turned around to face Jonghyun in question who let his backpack sink onto the floor and scratched his neck sheepishly.

 

“Too kitschy, too girly, too much?” he asked back, and stepped onto the island of futons, walking over to the fairy lights to turn them on. “I collected every unaccompanied soft item in this house in the past few days for this. All that pastel stuff is my sister’s. If she finds out that I borrowed her things, she’s probably going to kill me. But it’s worth the risk. It’s not my fault that she doesn’t lock her room when she leaves for university. What do girls need six different pillows and dozens of blankets for anyway?” he continued to babble when Kibum didn’t react, the younger one feeling like he had just woken up in a parallel universe in which Jonghyun wasn’t the boy next door who preferred muted, dark colors, but a fairy prince in his pastel castle.

 

“This is a lot to take in,” he finally uttered and closed the door behind him, stripping out of his coat, and folding it over his arm.

 

“You don’t like it?”

 

Jonghyun let his shoulders sink and came up to Kibum, taking his coat to place it onto his bed, which had been deprived of pillow and blanket as well, only the mattress still sitting a little abandoned on the frame, a pile of sweets stacking up in the middle of it.

 

“No, no…that’s not it. It’s incredibly cute. I…I just didn’t think I would ever see your room with color in it, or fairy lights for that matter,” Kibum pointed out, the other’s features softening.

 

“I found the fairy lights in my mom’s decoration box. I think she bought them for a birthday party once or something like that. They are a nice touch, aren’t they? I thought if I do something cheesy…then I should go all the way with it. I don’t do half-assed things, you know.”

 

With that Jonghyun leaned forward and turned off the big ceiling lamp in his room, only the fairy lights on his wall dipping the room in a rather dim, but cozy orange light now, Kibum feeling like a small boy about to experience an adventure in an unknown fantasy world, excitement bubbling up in his stomach. The room felt nicely heated, and Kibum followed Jonghyun to the middle of the little soft blanket island, still in awe because of how different the room looked. When they settled down, Jonghyun scrambled over to his little storage at the bottom of the slope, pushing the slide door open to casually pull out a bottle of wine, a corkscrew, and two glasses, placing everything in between them.

 

“Do you want to seduce me?” Kibum inquired flatly, showing a small smile when Jonghyun started to chuckle and tilted his head in a funny manner.

 

“Is it working?” he retorted with a playful wink, causing the other to bite his bottom lip.

 

“How do you always get your hands on alcohol anyway? You aren’t legally allowed to drink yet either.”

 

The topic change was answered by another snicker before Jonghyun placed the wine bottle between his thighs and opened it with the corkscrew, an audible plop resounding when the cork left the bottleneck.

 

“That’s a secret. Some things are better left in the dark…for the thrill,” Jonghyun joked and took one of the wine glasses to fill it up around one third, handing it to Kibum who rolled his eyes at him.

 

“Oh, come on,” he whined, pressing his foot against Jonghyun’s knee. With a sigh Jonghyun took the second glass to pour wine into it, placing the bottle on his desk when he was finished.

 

“You know these dinner parties parents like to give sometimes? When they invite friends or acquaintances over to pretend that there is still some life left inside of their uninspired, hollow shells? One of my dad’s colleagues always brings wine as a gift. My parents hate wine but are of course too polite to say anything, so this stuff piles up in our kitchen cabinet. No one will notice when one bottle is missing,” Jonghyun shrugged, trying to appear like an adult with a wine glass in his hand, but looked more like a kid who held a fork for the first time in its life.

 

“And the soju?”

 

“We have so much of it at home since my dad likes to drink some on the weekends. No one counts the bottles, so no one knows when one is missing either. Now I feel exposed and quite uncool,” Jonghyun wailed theatrically, already wanting to lie down on his stomach when he seemed to remember something and sat up straight again.

 

“Should we put on our pajamas first?” he suggested, already standing up from the futons and placing his glass on the desk.

 

“You mean your body dressed in nothing but boxer shorts kind of pajamas you like to wear so much?”

 

Kibum looked up from where he was seated on the blankets, holding onto the wine glass with both hands, grinning innocently when Jonghyun looked almost scandalized.

 

“Whatever you had for breakfast this morning, you should keep eating it or did the wine fumes already go to your head?”

 

The younger one rose his glass in response, liking how the mix of tiredness and the comforting warmth surrounding them made him feel somehow lightheaded. He didn’t think drinking alcohol in this condition was a good idea, but just holding a wine glass felt classy. He felt like he played a major role in a classic Hollywood movie, pretending to sit in a fancy bar, sipping wine.

 

When Jonghyun started to unfasten the belt on his baggy jeans, and opened the trouser button Kibum discreetly looked past him and stood up himself, putting the glass down next to Jonghyun’s before walking over to his backpack, conjuring up a simple white T-shirt with the lettering ‘I hate Mondays’ printed on it in black, and a pair of baby blue and white checkered pajama pants. For a moment he considered to leave the room and change in the bathroom, but he was beyond the stage of awkwardly undressing in the safety of another room. Jonghyun had seen him in his underwear already, hadn’t he? No need to feel ashamed.

 

Licking his lips, Kibum pulled his sweater over his head in one swift motion and folded it neatly, hearing the rustling of clothes behind him while he put on his own sleeping T-shirt.

 

“I just remembered that we still have the leftovers from earlier. Are you hungry?”

 

Kibum unbuttoned his jeans hastily while trying to ignore the fact that the other was probably watching his every move right now.

 

“Not particularly, but we can still take them out,” he replied, and wiggled out of his jeans and into his cotton pajama pants, flinching in surprise when Jonghyun came up to him from behind, placing his chin onto his shoulder.

 

“Did anyone ever tell you that you have a really nice looking butt?”

 

The words sounded casual and not flirtatious in any way as if Jonghyun was only stating an obvious fact without wanting to imply anything else. However, Kibum’s cheeks darkened anyway, and he harrumphed, turning his head a little to the side, bottom lip stuck between his teeth.

 

“No, no one has said that…but thank you,” he mumbled and pointed at Jonghyun’s bag to distract himself from thinking too much into the other’s comment. “Shall I take the leftovers out?”

 

“No, it’s fine, I’ll do it. You can just sit back down.”

 

Jonghyun was still wearing his T-shirt, Kibum noted as he passed him to sit back down, but his jeans were gone, a pair of skinny, short legs presenting themselves in all their hairy glory, his knees a little knobbly, the left one almost looking like the No-face from the Japanese animation Spirited Away due to a small reddish scar sitting right beneath his kneecap.

 

“Is something wrong?” Jonghyun asked and turned his leg from left to right while holding up his bag in both arms, taking a look at his knee.

 

“No, everything is fine,” Kibum replied quickly and crossed his legs, smiling sweetly when Jonghyun sat down again. He watched as Jonghyun pulled out the bagged leftovers, and fumbled with the Styrofoam containers before the hearty smell of cold burgers and soggy fries filled their noses.

 

“Those fries look dead rather than alive,” Jonghyun commented with a frown as he held one up and swayed it around like a worm before he shrugged and stuffed it into his mouth, munching on it with a hum. “The taste is still good, though. Want to try?”

 

Jonghyun took another fry out to offer it to Kibum who simply declined by shaking his head, not really in the mood for more fast food. Despite eating what sometimes seemed like all day it impressed Kibum that the other was so skinny. Kibum always had to watch his weight, having a tendency to put on a few pounds easily, but Jonghyun, on the other hand, seemed to be able to eat all the junk food there was without having to worry about chubby cheeks or a too soft belly at all.

 

“Oh, before I forget it, I got us something.”

 

Jonghyun cleaned his fingers on his thighs and then scrambled over to his desk, opening the bottom drawer. When he turned around again he held two packages in his left hand, and two headbands in the other, grinning like a proud kindergartener who had finished a drawing and had received a gold star for it by his teacher.

 

“Face masks?” Kibum noted in bewilderment after taking a closer look at the packaging, a woman with closed eyes and a white mask covering most parts of her face displayed on the front.

 

“Yes, we’re not getting any younger, and it’s quite relaxing. It will be good for our skin after staying outside in the cold for so long,” Jonghyun explained in a motivational tune as if he wanted to convince Kibum of buying face masks from him.

 

“Sometimes I’m honestly wondering what’s going on in your mind, Mr. Kim,” Kibum mused, puckering his lips when the other slid back to him, giving him one of the headbands and a mask.

 

“Only G-rated stuff, Mr. Kim,” Jonghyun replied seriously before bursting into laughter when Kibum looked at him skeptically.

 

“A cat?” Kibum asked uncertainly when he turned the headband in his hands; the band made out of soft white fur fabric, two triangle shaped ears, which were colored pink in the middle, sitting on top.

 

“Yes, it’s cute, isn’t it? We can also switch if you like the striped tiger version more.”

 

Jonghyun showed him the other headband that was still in his hand; the fur colored in yellow and brown. He didn’t dare to ask if Jonghyun had actually gone out to buy these accessories himself or if they had been another borrowed item from his sister’s bedroom.

 

“It’s fine. I like this one,” he muttered with a nod, grinning when Jonghyun pulled the tiger headband over his head and pushed it up his face until it was neatly sitting along his hairline, his fringe standing up to all sides. Kibum had to stifle a laugh when Jonghyun tilted his head and framed his face with his hands, batting his eyes at him in what he probably considered to be cute looking.

 

“You are such a dork.”

 

Kibum widened his own headband a bit before he mimicked Jonghyun’s actions and pulled it over his head, moving it around until it felt comfortable to wear.

 

“You are the cutest kitten I’ve ever seen,” Jonghyun beamed and reached forward to pat Kibum’s head, the younger one looking at him a little disdainful. As Kibum was about to unpack the mask, Jonghyun only shook his head and placed his hand on his.

 

“Let me do it. It’s a good excuse to touch you,” he teased, the wink that followed not helping to keep the blush that wanted to creep back onto Kibum’s face away. Despite the ridiculous band on his head, Jonghyun still made him weak in his knees. “Just lie down and relax.”

 

“This sounds wrong on so many levels,” Kibum sighed, but lay down obediently anyway, feeling like they were about to play some adult doctor games rather than putting on face masks. The smell of the burgers and fries reached his nostrils, the fast food standing in complete contrasts with the soft light of the fairy lights above his head, and the pastel-colored soft futons beneath his body.

 

“Let’s put on some music first. Would you still like to listen to the ‘thinking about Kibum’ playlist?”

 

“Of course!”

 

Kibum followed the other with his eyes as he stood up and turned on the laptop on his desk, waiting for it to boot up before using the touchpad to browse through the folders on his desktop, his upper body leaning forward, elbows resting on the tabletop. Jonghyun stretched his right leg while looking for the playlist, circling his foot over the futon, the motion oddly satisfying to watch. It was almost hypnotizing.

 

“It’s a very weird mix of genres, so some songs might sound not that well-matched,” he explained while throwing a quick glance over his shoulder at Kibum, the song they had listened to on the bus starting to play in the background.

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Kibum responded and patted the futon next to him, Jonghyun smiling at him before he kneeled down, taking one of the face masks into his hands.

 

“So Mr. Kim, how are we feeling today?” Jonghyun began to address the other formally, ripping the packaging open and pulling the dripping white mask out of it with the tips of his fingers.

 

“Same old, same old. Work has been tiring lately, but someone has to provide for the family.”

 

Kibum noticed a small smile twitching at the corner of Jonghyun’s lips, an understanding hum coming from his direction.

 

“I understand. How are the kids, Mr. Kim? Aren’t they going to university soon?”

 

“Yes, Minjung just passed her entrance exam for Ewha Woman's University. We’re very proud of her. However, Daehyun is currently in his last year of high school and we worry about him a lot. All he has on his mind are girls and gaming these days,” Kibum acted the role of a stereotypical worrying father convincingly, the grin on Jonghyun’s face only widening. He loved to see the other smile, even more so when he was the reason for it.

 

Jonghyun carefully unfolded the wet sheet mask in front of his eyes and then leaned over him, hesitating.

 

“It’s puberty. We all went through it, didn’t we?” Jonghyun replied kindly and then finally placed the mask on Kibum’s skin, a cold feeling spreading across his forehead and cheeks. He stayed silent as Jonghyun’s fingers gently smoothened out the mask, pulling at the corners until it covered his face nicely, the smell of aloe Vera wafting Kibum’s nose.

 

“You look like the shy guy from Super Mario,” Jonghyun commented when he leaned back and grabbed for his own mask, ripping the plastic open.

 

“Let me put it on your face,” Kibum offered immediately and sat up after Jonghyun had pulled out the sheet mask with a grossed out look on his face.

 

“Be my guest.”

 

Jonghyun held out his hand with the mask, smiling as Kibum took it and carefully unfolded it, the sticky liquid the mask had been dipped into dripping onto his pajama pants. Unfazed by the wet spot forming on his clothes he bent forward and placed the thin mask on Jonghyun’s face, pressing it down gently around his nose and along the edges.

 

There was an American pop song playing in the background, which Kibum remembered from a 90’s movie, Jonghyun’s fingers moving along to the melody on his thighs, humming.

 

“All done,” Kibum announced when he was satisfied with the placement of the mask on Jonghyun’s face, two big, brown eyes looking at him.

 

“Cool, then we can lie down.”

 

Jonghyun’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he picked up the empty mask packages and moved them aside to give them more space, Kibum snuggling into the soft cushions and blankets only a few moments later, smiling when the older one did the same next to him and reached out for his hand, intertwining their fingers.

 

“I told you I’m going to hold your hand all night,” he stated matter-of-factly as if he had to give a reasonable explanation for his initiated subtle body contact. Kibum only beamed at his words with a shy nod, squeezing his fingers around Jonghyun’s before closing his eyes.

 

It was relaxing and calming to just lie around in the warmth of the other’s room, huddled against the soft blankets underneath them, feeling the presence of his boyfriend so close to him. He concentrated on the thumb, which rubbed small circles into his skin and the music that had smoothly switched to a slow piano piece. The melody sounded sad but hopeful, Kibum’s mind automatically starting to paint pictures along to the musical piece, speckles of color coming together in a gigantic swirl to form two figures that danced together on a white canvas.

 

“It’s a simple piece, but it’s very moving, isn’t it?” Jonghyun uttered in the midst of Kibum’s imaginative play of color and felt how his hand was pulled on top of the other’s chest so the back of it came to rest above Jonghyun’s heart.

 

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” he agreed quietly, sensing the steady rhythm of a heartbeat beneath his hand. Without wanting to Kibum was suddenly reminded of the talk they had in the little diner earlier that evening, of Jonghyun being so casual about their relationship, and wanting to be together with him. He nibbled on his bottom lip in thought, not quite sure how to address a topic like the one occupying his mind right now. He wasn’t even sure if it was necessary for them to talk about it since Jonghyun seemed to be comfortable with their relationship as it was. Was there something like ‘over-talking’ things? He knew of overthinking, but over-talking? He had already realized more than once that he worried too much, that he overanalyzed things, pulling them out of proportion.

 

“Jong, can I ask you something?” Kibum probed tentatively after turning his thoughts over in his head, coming to the conclusion that there was no right way to approach his concerns, and that staying silent about it wouldn’t help his mind to rest either.

 

“Sure, you know that you can ask me anything. Fire away.”

 

When Kibum turned his head Jonghyun was already looking at him, eyes appearing even bigger now that the rest of his face was covered by a thin sheet of white fabric.

 

“Have you ever thought about your sexuality?” he then asked frankly, attentively watching for some kind of change in Jonghyun’s facial expression, but due to the mask, this task turned out to be almost impossible since his eyes didn’t give anything away.

 

“My sexuality?” Jonghyun questioned, his voice going up a little higher at the end.

 

“Yes. Until now you’ve only ever been interested in women, weren’t you? But I’m not a woman.”

 

Jonghyun seemed to hesitate for a second before his eyes narrowed just a tiny bit, a low hum leaving his lips.

 

“It feels like I’m having a déjà vu right now. Didn’t we have a similar conversation before?”

 

Kibum vaguely remembered the morning he had woken up next to Jonghyun with a boner and how he had told him that he was not a girl when Jonghyun had tried to give him a helping hand. It was an oppressed memory he preferred to keep in a dark corner of his brain labeled ‘things too embarrassing to think about again’.

 

“Yes…but no, not really. I mean you said you are okay with me being a boy, but…that was the end of the conversation. We…I mean…we never talked about your orientation per se.”

 

The words had sounded more casual when he had composed them in his head, Kibum figured, as he stumbled over every second word not quite sure if he even got his point across.

 

“Is it important? I mean, I like you, isn’t that enough of an answer?”

 

There was visible confusion noticeable in Jonghyun’s voice now and Kibum saw how the white sheet on his face slightly crinkled around his forehead, indicating a frown underneath it.

 

“I’m…just curious. Have you never thought about it?”

 

A short pause followed in which Jonghyun licked his lips and then turned his head towards the ceiling, staring up at it.

 

“Humans have spent decades with breaking out of all sort of boxes, tried to make the world become one, but now people are trying to create new ones. What for? I honestly don’t care, who or what I like. I don’t like to be labeled, and I don’t understand why others would want that.”

 

“That’s something only straight people would say,” Kibum voiced silently, lips pulling into a straight line, ears pricking up when a soft laugh became audible next to him.

 

“Kibum, we just went on a date. We already spent hours with heavily making out, I told you I love you…like a lot of times already, so if labeling is so important to you, I guess we can at least both agree that I’m not straight and toss that label out of the window, okay?”

 

Kibum felt his hand being squeezed and Jonghyun turned his head back to him, a small smile twitching at the corners of his lips.

 

“Tell me, why it is so important to you since I don’t seem to get it? But I really want to. I want to know what’s on your mind, so I can understand you better,” he added in an encouraging tone, Kibum wondering for a moment how to explain his take on the topic to someone who apparently had never thought about it before.

 

“I think…I believe that the feeling of belonging to a group is important to some…at least it is for me. The feeling that you aren’t alone in this world, that there are more people out there who think and feel the same way as you. When you grow up and all you see on TV are men kissing women, and people constantly tell you that you will find a nice, cute girl to marry eventually, and just automatically assume that this is the kind of relationship you want to have, you start to feel like an alien between humans at some point. You…you feel differently and you want other things, but you can’t voice them out loud because you are afraid that people start treating you differently? I felt alone and lost for the better part of my life, because I never thought it’s thrilling to sneak into girls’ locker rooms or make out with girls after school like other boys did,” Kibum tried to explain as honestly as he was able to muster, trying to hold Jonghyun’s gaze who looked at him silently, listening.

 

“For the longest time I thought something was wrong with me, because no one around me seemed to feel the same way as I did, and at some point I really started to hate myself for finding men more attractive than women, because I wanted to be like all the other kids at school, I just wanted to fit in. Maybe it’s no big deal for you, because you carry yourself around with so much confidence, like nothing and no one can stop you, and you just don’t give a damn about anything anyone ever says to you. But for me it’s different. I needed the reassurance that I’m not alone, that it’s okay for me to be the way I am. You have no idea how I relieved and happy I felt when I found other queer teens on the internet. All of a sudden I didn’t feel so alone in this world anymore. I finally belonged to something. I was able to share my fears and worries, I could share my experiences with others and learn about theirs. I didn’t feel so wrong anymore,” he finally uttered, his voice becoming quieter with every sentence he had finished.

 

He blushed a little when he realized how long his monologue had turned out to be, already opening his mouth for an apology when Jonghyun moved closer towards him and hugged him out of nowhere.

 

All he could hear was a whispered ‘I’m sorry’, the other’s wet mask pressing against his neck and sticking to his T-shirt.

 

“What for?” Kibum asked, bewildered, turning his head to look at Jonghyun who lifted his a second later, his mask peeling down from his forehead.

 

“For being so ignorant,” he replied meekly, looking apologetically.

 

“It’s fine, really.”

 

Kibum reached out his fingers to push the peeled off corner of Jonghyun’s mask back against his skin, dabbing it gently into place.

 

“It’s bisexuality if you like men and women, right?”

 

The question startled Kibum for a moment and he halted in his movements, fingers hovering over Jonghyun’s forehead.

 

“Yes, that’s what it basically stands for,” Kibum responded cautiously, going back to smooth out the other’s mask before his fingers went over to comb through Jonghyun’s tousled hair.

 

“Is there a term for people who don’t care about sex or gender? Allsexual or something the like?”

 

The neologism made Kibum chuckle and his fingers glided down to caress Jonghyun’s ear and neck before stopping on his shoulder.

 

“Actually there is. Most people refer to it as pansexual, pan being Greek for all or every. So you weren’t that far off,” he explained in a soothing manner, eyes following Jonghyun as he sat up and moved his head in circles, the sound of cracking bones distinct in Kibum’s ears.

 

“Pansexual, pan-sexual, pansexual,” Jonghyun mouthed the word several times, always stressing it differently as if to test how it rolled off his tongue. “I like the sound of it,” he concluded with a smile, and then removed the mask and the headband as if he wanted to put an end to their little beauty trip.

 

“But this term doesn’t mean everything as in everything, right? Since I’m definitely not into animals or corpses,” Jonghyun wondered out of nowhere, a shocked expression spreading over his features, eyes widening noticeably.

 

“No, it doesn’t. Gosh, you are so weird for even thinking about that,” Kibum started laughing out loud and sat up himself, gently peeling off his own mask before stuffing it back into its packaging.

 

“I’m sorry, I just never paid it much thought. That’s a whole new territory for me. It wasn’t important for me until now. In my confined little world it never really mattered, but now I feel…since it matters to you, it should matter to me as well. So, just give me some time to learn about these things.”

 

“It’s fine. You can read up on it or ask me whenever you have a question or want to know something. I’m not an expert, but I think I’ve got the basics down,” Kibum smiled, feeling more knowledgeable and educated than Jonghyun for once. Opening up to him like this, sharing his experiences and thoughts with Jonghyun made him feel closer to the other like he was able to express more and more little pieces of himself to the person that meant the world to him. He wanted Jonghyun to fully understand him because he was sure that it would only make their bond grow stronger, a goal he longed for being accomplished.

 

*****

 

The remaining time before midnight was spent with Kibum and Jonghyun listening to music and sipping on wine, the two of them pretending to be sophisticated adults while they lounged around in their nightgowns, talking about movies and the moon landing, which Jonghyun considered to be fake and all made up by the government. His cheeks were tinted in an adorable pink while he tried to explain to Kibum that it wasn’t possible for the flag to wave in non-existent wind or that the shadows on the photos were irregular, every single of his words underlined with some heavily gesturing of the hand, which held his wine glass. Kibum was too amused by the other’s antics as to argue with him and enjoyed how Jonghyun seemed to move closer to him every few minutes, his legs clinging around his in an almost wrestling looking manner, his free hand tapping his stomach lightly after every sentence.

 

Meanwhile, Kibum was still on his first glass, only nipping on it every now and then, because he had to admit that he didn’t really like the taste of the wine no matter how classy and grown up a wine glass made him look.

 

“You don’t say anything. What do you think? Do you believe it’s real?”

 

Jonghyun poked him slightly into the side before he pressed his glass clumsily against his lips, emptying his second fill.

 

“I just don’t know why they should fake a moon landing,” Kibum shrugged nonchalantly, looking behind himself before he stretched and placed his wine glass onto Jonghyun’s desk.

 

“To prove how great America is? A demonstration of power, isn’t it obvious, duh?” Jonghyun replied with an expression that was probably supposed to look like the older one couldn’t believe how short-sighted Kibum was.

 

“I didn’t know you were into conspiracy theories and all,” he replied with an amused grin, not really feeling offended by the other’s words.

 

“I just don’t think everything we see on TV and are told in the news or in books is real, so I prefer to question everything,” Jonghyun explained with a slight slur, copying Kibum’s action and placing his empty wine glass onto the desk. “Do you believe that the pyramids were really built by humans? Such a gigantic example of architecture built with the technique people had over 2600 BC ago?”

 

“If they weren’t built by humans by whom then?” Kibum inquired, stretching out his arm for Jonghyun’s head to rest on when the other scooted closer and hugged his waist.

 

“Aliens,” was the mumbled answer, the comment making Kibum snort.

 

“You are tipsy, aren’t you?”

 

“Maybe a bit. I seem to have a low tolerance for wine. I’ve never tried it before,” Jonghyun answered in a sing-song before lifting his head for a second to look at Kibum.

 

“But you don’t really believe that we are alone in this universe, do you? I mean it doesn’t make any sense to me that a species as stupid as the human one might be the only existing one that has a higher IQ than a chimpanzee. Maybe there is a planet reigned by super intelligent dogs that walk on two legs and wear fancy space suits. But that would be too human-like. Mmh…Maybe a planet populated by something we’ve never seen before? Maybe these beings don’t communicate with words but with sonar like dolphins or something the like? That would be pretty cool,” Jonghyun continued to ramble while resting his head back on Kibum’s chest, his hand slipping unconsciously beneath Kibum’s T-shirt to stroke his side with his fingertips.

 

Kibum had already stopped listening after the mentioning of super-intelligent space dogs and had preferred to concentrate on the feeling of fingers caressing his skin. There was a warm sensation prickling in his lower stomach that he found far more interesting than talks about aliens. He was quite sure that Jonghyun wasn’t really aware of his doings nor what they caused inside of Kibum.

 

“Am I talking too much?”

 

The question made Kibum look back at Jonghyun who turned onto his stomach, the hand, which previously had stroked his side now probed up beneath the other’s chin.

 

“No, no…of course not.”

 

“But you are not saying anything.”

 

There was a slight sulk on Jonghyun’s lips, his cheeks still beautifully tinted in pink.

 

“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to respond to your thoughts on dogs in space suits,” Kibum shrugged, wanting the other’s hand that now tapped at Jonghyun’s chin to go back and caress him.

 

“Sorry, I just think about the weirdest stuff sometimes,” he apologized and leaned up to press a peck onto the tip of Kibum’s nose, a whiff of wine saturated breath reaching his nostrils. “Are you tired?”

 

“I’m tired ever since we got on the train in Hannam,” Kibum replied with a chuckle, smile widening when Jonghyun placed another kiss on his nose.

 

“Then let’s go and brush our teeth,” he suggested and got up in an instant, stumbling a little over the futons before he found his balance again.

 

Brushing their teeth and getting ready for bed was a quiet affair as the two of them tried to be as silent as possible outside of Jonghyun’s room because they didn’t want to wake up his parents. When they settled back down onto the futons a little later, Jonghyun covered the two of them with a big, soft blanket before he reached over to turn off the fairy lights, the room falling dark in a blink of an eye.

 

“Today was really nice. I enjoyed spending so much time with you,” Jonghyun whispered and Kibum felt him move closer until their arms brushed against each other.

 

“Yes, thank you for everything. I had a lot of fun,” Kibum agreed just as hushed, grinning as Jonghyun’s hand slid down his wrist until his fingers reached Kibum’s and interlaced them.

 

When Kibum had thought about the end of their date while standing next to Jonghyun at the Han River he had imagined it to be a tad different. After their little make-out session at the playground earlier that week and in the small photo booth he had been sure that Jonghyun would take the first chance he got to kiss Kibum, but except for the small nose pecks there had been no exchange of endearments involving lips. It would have been a lie if Kibum claimed to not be a little disappointed, his lips craving the others and wanting to feel them once again. But Kibum wasn’t quite ready yet to take the sole initiative and just go for it when the atmosphere didn’t seem right, wasn’t ready for taking what he longed for.

 

Maybe Jonghyun just didn’t feel like kissing him tonight.

 

With the music and the lights turned off there wasn’t much Kibum could concentrate on except for the feeling of Jonghyun’s fingertips gently digging into his skin, and their shoulders pressed against each other. They lay there in silence, Kibum listening to the sounds coming from outside; the occasional roar from a passing car, and the high-pitched shrieks from cats fighting on the street.

 

The cozy darkness and the close proximity of Jonghyun’s body made Kibum’s thoughts wander and he thought about their date and how much fun he had with the other, how thankful he was for having Jonghyun, his fingers automatically intensifying the pressure on the other’s hand.

 

“You had Girls by Wheesung on your playlist. Why?” Kibum asked into the darkness after a while, remembering the sudden shift of genre in Jonghyun’s personal playlist, and how it had put a small smile on his lips. He hadn’t mentioned it earlier because Jonghyun had been busy with talking about some Italian movie he had watched recently and wanted Kibum to watch as well because he was sure that he would like it.

 

“Because I kissed you for the first time during that song,” Jonghyun answered casually before Kibum felt him turning onto his side. “Why are you asking?”

 

Kibum shrugged in response, but couldn’t suppress the smile creeping onto his lips.

 

He remembered.

 

“I was just wondering, that’s all.”

 

There was some rustling of sheets before Kibum sensed Jonghyun’s face very close to his, the tip of his nose brushing against his cheek, a shudder running through his body. He found it difficult to breathe when Jonghyun’s hand disappeared beneath his T-shirt once again, stroking his stomach and his side firmly, his breath ghosting over Kibum’s neck.

 

“Did….did you think we would lie together like this one day when we first met?”

 

There was a soft splutter close to Kibum’s ear before a kiss was pressed to his temple.

 

“No,” Jonghyun answered honestly, Kibum’s heart instantly sinking in his chest by the negative reply. “I thought you looked cute, but damn…you were weird. You constantly stared at me and at first, I didn’t know why. Did you even realize how uncomfortable that made me feel at times?”

 

Kibum started blushing, the hair on his neck standing up when he heard the other giggle into his ear.

 

“In the beginning, I thought I might have something on my face, but then I figured it might be something completely different. I have to admit that making you flustered during our guitar lessons began to be quite enjoyable,” Jonghyun explained in a whisper, hand running up and down Kibum’s side.

 

In response Kibum’s thoughts began to become blurry, embarrassment mixing with excitement, his head pounding.

 

“You are a sadist,” he retorted meekly, another chuckle sending goosebumps down his arms.

 

“You were just so easy to fluster, Kibum. You still are now, aren’t you?”

 

The hand caressing his side moved back to his stomach and then up his chest, drawing little circles. Jonghyun seemed so casual about the touches while Kibum was burning up inside, clawing his fingers into the futon, trying to breathe as calmly as possible. He wasn’t sure if Jonghyun was just teasing him, because he was tipsy or if this had been his plan all along and Kibum had fallen into his trap like a helpless mouse in search for food.

 

There was a small kiss pressed to his cheek before a pair of lips wandered down, a silent gasp falling from his lips when Jonghyun’s tongue flicked against his neck. Dozens of thoughts rattled through his mind and he wondered how they got from him asking himself whether Jonghyun was not in the mood for kissing tonight to Jonghyun practically caressing his neck and chest in the most seductive way possible.

 

When he couldn’t take the teasing anymore he turned onto his side, reaching forward with a wildly beating heart to find Jonghyun’s face in the dark, carefully feeling for his nose and cheeks, fingers running over his lips before he leaned in and kissed the older one; gently at first but getting messier and needier when Jonghyun’s hand landed on the small of his back to pull him closer.

 

He tasted the mint toothpaste and the remaining bit of wine as his tongue slid into the other’s mouth tentatively, his hand caressing Jonghyun’s cheek before sliding into his hair, fingertips digging lightly into the other’s scalp. It felt like the continuation of their little adventure at the arcades only less cramped and loud, a startled little gasp falling from Kibum’s lips as Jonghyun’s hands slipped beneath the waistband of his pants and underwear to touch his butt.

 

Kibum froze for a second, halting in his movements, lips hovering above Jonghyun’s, his heart thumping like mad.

 

“Is that okay?” Kibum heard the older one ask hesitantly, hands resting on the curve of his backside. Kibum’s answer wasn’t a word but a kiss after he had overcome the initial surprise, lips pressing gently against Jonghyun’s again, his hand moving down the other’s nape, holding onto him.

 

He tried not to think too much, to not overanalyze Jonghyun’s behavior or his actions. Not everything needed an explanation or a well-thought-out inner monologue, he just wanted to feel and touch, show Jonghyun that he really cared about him, that he wanted to be with him, and that he enjoyed what the other was doing to him.

 

It was so easy to give in when trust was there, Kibum realized, his hands wandering down Jonghyun’s back to tug at his T-shirt, wanting the fabric to be gone desperately.

 

He had no idea what was happening, but before he knew it he was on his back without his T-shirt on, Jonghyun lying on him, shirtless as well, lips nipping on his neck, fingers playing with his hair. The knowledge that Jonghyun’s parents were just a flight of stairs away was a little intimidating since Kibum remembered the story the other had told him about his mother having intruded a rather private moment in the past all too clearly, but he tried to calm his nerves by telling himself that it was past midnight and that she was probably asleep by now.

 

Cloaked by darkness Kibum became a little bolder in his actions, his hands wandering around more confidently than they would have during daylight, his body arching into the other’s touch, pulling him up for another kiss when he wanted to.

 

“I really like being with you,” Jonghyun whispered in between kisses, conjuring a smile on Kibum’s lips. Would he ever get enough of hearing Jonghyun sweet-talk him?

 

“You are so sappy,” he responded playfully, grinning when Jonghyun leaned his forehead against his neck, chuckling.

 

“And you are such a mood killer.”

 

Before Kibum had the chance to say anything in return, Jonghyun had lifted himself off of him and leaned to his side, the fairy lights lighting up a second later, causing Kibum to blink his eyes with a discontent grumble.

 

“Why are you turning the lights back on?”

 

“To look at you,” was the simple reply, Jonghyun’s body moving back to his previous position, fingers gliding along Kibum’s temples.

 

Looking at you.

 

That’s exactly what Jonghyun did in the next minute, just looking down at Kibum, the corners of his lips curling upwards, fingertips gently tapping against his temples and cheeks. The piercing look made Kibum’s cheeks heat up, and he automatically looked past the other when he got too flustered, the locking of eyes feeling way too intimate. There was a small laugh before kisses were pressed against Kibum’s forehead and nose.

 

“You are cute,” Jonghyun established with a wide grin and then rolled down from the younger one, Kibum instantly missing the weight that had pressed him down further into the futon.

 

“Just looking at each other without saying anything is the most intimate thing you can do, I believe. You can tell so much just with your eyes.”

 

Jonghyun explained while folding his arms behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. At first, Kibum wanted to argue against this statement, coming up with dozens of things he considered to be more intimate than looking at each other, but the longer he thought about it, the more sense Jonghyun’s words began to make. Sometimes it took more courage to hold someone’s gaze than it took to take off one’s clothes in front of another person.

 

“What did my eyes tell you?” Kibum asked next, turning his head to look at Jonghyun curiously. Jonghyun did the same, watching Kibum for a moment before he started to grin mischievously.

 

“That I’m the hottest guy you’ve ever laid your eyes on,” he dead-panned and roared with laughter when Kibum’s eyes widened visibly.

 

“Yah!” Kibum whined, affronted, beginning to poke Jonghyun continuously until the other placed his hands protectively against his side, still laughing.

 

“Kibum, stop, that tickles,” he chuckled, trying to skid away from Kibum’s hands, but the younger one only followed him and plucked his courage by climbing on top of him to continue tickling his sides. He didn’t think much about it at first, only wanting to get his revenge for Jonghyun’s comment because it might be true that he was indeed the hottest guy he had laid his eyes on until now, but Jonghyun didn’t need to be so frank about it and make him feel even more embarrassed about it than he already was on a daily basis.

 

However, the more he got into his payback the quieter Jonghyun got until a low groan made him stop, the subtle sound raising the hair on his neck.

 

“What is it?” Kibum asked in confusion as he leaned back, hands resting on his thighs, his posture wary.

 

“I…”

 

There was a pause and Kibum watched the other ruffle his hair, teeth nibbling on his bottom lip.

 

“That’s kind of awkward, but you sitting on me without a shirt on kind of turned me on just now,” he confessed honestly, reaching out for Kibum’s hands to stroke the back of them.

 

“Oh.”

 

The blush crept unwillingly back onto Kibum’s cheeks and for the first time, he looked down at himself, only really realizing then that he was indeed sitting in Jonghyun’s lap, shirtless. He was already going to scramble back to his place next to the other when Jonghyun held him by the hips, preventing him from further movements.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

The answer to that question seemed so obvious that Kibum only frowned, first looking at the hands on his hips and then up to Jonghyun’s face who glared at him inquiringly.

 

“I thought,” he didn’t really know what he had thought so he didn’t end his sentence, hoping for the older one to help him out.

 

“Come here for a second,” Jonghyun interjected before pulling on Kibum’s hands, the younger one getting the hint and leaning forward, underarms settling down next to Jonghyun’s head. Jonghyun’s hands reached around his neck to pull him down further and breach the last centimeters that separated them, a little surprised moan leaving Kibum’s mouth when the other’s lips were back on his, hands gliding down his back.

 

When Jonghyun’s hands landed on his butt, Kibum wavered a little, but tried not to be phased by it and instead concentrated on playing with the other’s tongue, sliding his own around it in a manner he had realized Jonghyun seemed to like a lot. Only when the older one used pressure to gently push his hips down further and he felt something hard press against his butt did Kibum recoil, not really knowing what to do or to think.

 

“I thought we are past that ‘getting awkward around a boner’ stage,” Jonghyun joked playfully, the phrasing of his observation making Kibum instantly smile. Jonghyun was right, they had passed that stage a while ago, so he simply nodded and leaned back down again, stroking an unmanageable strand of black hair out of Jonghyun’s face.

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just…this is still very new…and it…,” he paused in the middle of his explanation, feeling awkward all of a sudden. To conceal his embarrassment he pressed his face into the crook of Jonghyun’s neck, breathing in the fresh Aloe Vera scent from the face masks they had used earlier. “It’s just still surprising to me that…I can make…” another pause and an exaggerated whine fell from Kibum’s lips as he shut his eyes tightly, not daring to voice his thoughts out loud. It felt embarrassing to say it let alone think about it.

 

“That you can make me feel aroused, turned on, extremely horny?” Jonghyun assisted and Kibum could downright hear the smug grin probably plastered on the other’s face, which only made him feel more humiliated by the second. Even the tips of his ears burned hot now, his nose burying itself into Jonghyun’s hair, another miserable sound falling from his lips.

 

Why had it become so easy to talk about these things with Jonghyun when they were physically apart, but it felt still incredibly awkward to even think them when they were together?

 

“Why am I such an awkward human being?” he sighed, eyes widening when he noticed that he had voiced his question out loud and heard the other chuckle in his ear.

 

“It’s fine, Kibum. I can do the sex talk for the both of us until you are getting more comfortable with it,” Jonghyun offered waggishly, the tone of his voice making Kibum laugh lowly.

 

“Thank you,” Kibum whispered before pressing a kiss to Jonghyun’s cheek, the other immediately turning his head to capture Kibum’s lips with his own, a grin still visible.

 

After yet another short, unwanted interruption they went back to kissing, Kibum letting his guard down and slowly starting to rub himself against Jonghyun whose hands slipped beneath the waistband of his pajama pants, fingers kneading his butt and pressing Kibum even closer onto him. Instinctively he remembered a similar scene from many weeks ago, how Jonghyun had been sprawled out on top of him, both in their jeans, making-out heavily while the older one had basically dry humped him into the mattress. The vivid memory made his cheeks flush and his abdomen churn pleasantly, the feelings he had back then motivating him to relive them, wanting to make Jonghyun feel just as good as the other had made him feel then.

 

Jonghyun’s boxers and Kibum’s soft pajama pants made the friction between their bodies feel much better than the restraining jeans had made it feel, and he circled his hips around, sighing into Jonghyun’s mouth whenever their clothed erections brushed against each other or when the other’s crotch pressed against his butt. Every new wave of pleasure spurred Kibum on to continue, the sluggish breathe he received in response satisfying and encouraging him.

 

Yet a verbal outburst of the word ‘Fuck’ made Kibum halt in his movements in an instant, Jonghyun’s face turned away from him in what seemed like shame when he tried to figure out what was wrong, the other’s chest heaving. He had never heard the other swear before. It sounded foreign and odd to him.

 

“What is it?”

 

It seemed to be his standard question tonight and he heard himself repeat it like a parrot again when Jonghyun at first didn’t answer him and only gnawed on his lips, eyes closed, fingers digging into Kibum’s buttocks.

 

“I…fuck…I just want you so much, Kibum…like ugh…it’s driving me nuts,” he confessed eventually, turning his head back to the younger one to look up at him. A little stunned Kibum didn’t know what to say, hovering on top of Jonghyun, both arms placed next to his head.

 

“I know I said we have all the time in the world and that I don’t want you to do anything you are not comfortable with…and I stand with that…honestly…it’s just…” Jonghyun pressed his lips together into a tight line before pulling his hands out of Kibum’s pants and placing them a little further up on his hips instead. “I want to feel you so damn much…like every part of you…inside and out…and…I’m sorry, it’s just. This just feels so good, and I want more of it. I…I just…I want to sleep with you so badly,” he finally mustered up his courage to say what was on his mind and licked his lips when he was finished, an almost pleading look appearing in his eyes.

 

A little taken aback Kibum sat up, trying to not put any weight on the other’s lower regions while doing so. A lot of his reoccurring wet dreams had started out with scenes similar to this one, with Jonghyun being so aroused that he wanted nothing but have sex with Kibum, literally begging him for it. What Jonghyun had just done wasn’t begging per se, Kibum was aware of that, but it didn’t stop little fireworks from going off in his body, making even his fingertips tingle.

 

“I want that to…I mean…sleeping with you,” he admitted shyly, forefinger nudging the skin next to Jonghyun’s belly button. It was the truth. He had dreamt of having sex with Jonghyun even before they had actually talked to each other for the first time. No matter how much the thought scared him that sex might change their relationship, it was still something that constantly occupied his mind without giving him a break.

 

“But it’s too early, isn’t it?” Jonghyun asked hesitantly, one of his hands reaching out for Kibum’s.

 

“Is it? You said there isn’t a too early, but that you feel it if it’s the right time,” Kibum mumbled, not really daring to look the other in the eye, but focusing on the line of dark hair beneath Jonghyun’s belly button, plucking at it cautiously with his free hand.

 

“And you feel like this is the right time?”

 

When Kibum finally looked up Jonghyun seemed genuinely concerned, his face serious, his eyes checking his for answers.

 

“I honestly don’t want you to feel pressured to…”

 

“I really feel that it’s the right time, honestly. This with you…everything…it does feel right to me,” Kibum interrupted the other, wanting to make his words sound as sincere as possible. “I just wanted to let you know…that…what you said earlier at the Han River…I…I mean same. Nothing has ever felt more right to me than what we have, Jonghyun,” he added ruefully, lowering his gaze once again. To his own embarrassment, his words sounded like they were taken out of a script to an average Korean drama, but they were true, accurate, and they expressed exactly what he felt.

 

Kibum automatically slipped into Jonghyun’s lap when the other decided to sit up next and take his face into both hands, kissing him softly on the lips. It was just a subtle touch before he pulled away again, looking at Kibum with a smile on his face.

 

“That feels good to hear, you know,” Jonghyun explained while slinging his arms around Kibum’s torso and leaning his chin on his shoulder. They sat there for a moment completely motionless and Kibum already started wondering how they were going to proceed from here if this was the moment he had waited for when a soft giggle rung in his ear. Puzzled he craned his neck to look at Jonghyun who pressed open-mouthed kisses against his shoulder.

 

“I’m so dense, Kibum,” he said out of nowhere, a frown crawling onto Kibum’s face.

 

“Why?”

 

“We can’t have sex tonight…ahh…I hate myself right now.”

 

With that Jonghyun let himself fall back into the futon, a deep theatrical sigh leaving his lips as he ruffled his hair and then pressed his hands against his face. Not being able to follow Jonghyun’s train of thought, Kibum decided to lie down next to him, his head soon hitting the pillow as he rolled onto his side to look at Jonghyun. What was this all about?

 

“Why?”

 

He asked once again when Jonghyun apparently didn’t see a need in elaborating his reason for hating himself. A scene like that had never managed to creep itself into his nightly fantasies. In them, they went directly from confessions to actual sex.

 

“I don’t have any lube. I…I didn’t prepare anything because I didn’t think we would get to this point anytime soon. I’m sure that I still have condoms lying around somewhere, but no lube. I should have thought about this first before going all desperate on you. I’m sorry, I just got carried away,” Jonghyun admitted, his voice dripping with regret. He turned onto his side as well then, one hand grabbing for Kibum’s hip and holding him.

 

Right. Preparation. They had talked about it multiple times by now, but except for doing research on where to buy it, Kibum had made no efforts in actually getting his hands on lubrication until now either.

 

“I mean…maybe…maybe…it works also without…or we use something else?” Kibum suggested, but only received a vehement shaking of Jonghyun’s head in return.

 

“No, no…when we’re doing this, then I want to do it in a way that’s safest for you. No experiments with lotions or shampoos that are filled with chemicals or anything the like. That’s not safe. The last thing I want is to hurt you in any way during this. It’s fine…This is not running away from us…We’ve waited until now, so we also can wait some more,” Jonghyun explained, sounding very mature even though his boner was still clearly visible underneath his boxer shorts.

 

Kibum nodded weakly, not able to not feel a little disappointed. Even though he hadn’t anticipated that this night could turn into him having sex with Jonghyun for the first time, his heart felt heavy now that the chance had been there, but he had been disqualified shortly before reaching the starting line.

 

“But there are a lot of other things we can do instead,” Jonghyun quipped, wriggling his eyebrows at Kibum in a funny manner, fingers tracing circles on Kibum’s hip.

 

The expression made Kibum involuntarily laugh and also distracted him from thinking too much about a missed opportunity. It wasn’t really a missed opportunity in the first place or was it?

 

“What are you suggesting, Mr. Kim?” Kibum enquired formally, grinning when Jonghyun arched an eyebrow.

 

“I’m suggesting for us to get naked,” was the flat reply and for a second Kibum wasn’t sure if he was supposed to feel embarrassed or amused. They had never seen each other fully naked if one excluded that one time at the swimming pool when they had changed back into their clothes in a shared cubicle and Kibum had caught a glimpse of Jonghyun’s butt through the mirror. Even though the prospect of lying next to Jonghyun completely exposed was a little intimidating, it felt childish to Kibum to make a big deal out of it, if only three minutes ago he had wanted to have sex with Jonghyun; a practice that usually involved all parties to undress fully.

 

Tentatively Kibum first looked down at himself before his eyes wandered over to Jonghyun’s boxer shorts and stayed there for a moment, teeth tugging at his bottom lip. As if Jonghyun could read his mind he removed his hand from Kibum’s hip and turned back onto his back without uttering a single word, hooked his thumbs on either side of his boxers and ungracefully pulled them down while slightly lifting his pelvis, Kibum habitually averting his eyes when Jonghyun’s erection sprung free.

 

“Now you.”

 

The request was clear, and Kibum took a deep breath before fulfilling it. It was nothing special, nothing Jonghyun hadn’t seen yet. They were just two boys, discovering each other. No big deal, Kibum reassured himself.

 

Looking down at himself Kibum mimicked the other’s quick disposal of his remaining clothes and pulled down his pajama pants and boxers in one go, sitting up for a moment when the fabric pooled down at his feet to slip completely out of it and place it at the foot of their little futon island.

 

When Kibum felt a warm hand caress his back he looked over his shoulder, seeing Jonghyun who still lay on the futon and smiled up at him.

 

Kibum reciprocated that smile with one of his shy one’s before he slowly lay back down again, not really sure how to position himself to feel less naked than he actually was. He still didn’t dare to look the other over fully even though he wanted to and kept his eyes above chest level be it out of shyness or politeness, he wasn’t entirely sure.

 

“You are beautiful, you know that?”

 

He wanted to say something like ‘don’t lie to me’ but he swallowed those words down, and preferred to look down instead before Jonghyun caught his attention by sliding over to him, letting one of his hands glide down from Kibum’s shoulder to the curve of his butt. When Jonghyun pushed him back down and climbed on top of him, he held his breath as their bodies touched, every piece of skin connecting, Kibum’s own erection twitching.

 

Jonghyun started kissing him then; first his neck and ears, then down to his collarbones and chest, Kibum’s legs restlessly moving around and spreading further, his hand roaming the other’s back. He bit his lip to make no sound except for little mewls that only Jonghyun could hear, back arching into the touch as the older didn’t hesitate to kiss down to his navel and below.

 

“Want to find out if I can do a better job than the first time?”

 

When Kibum looked down at himself while Jonghyun’s cheek was resting on his hip bone, his face looking all innocent with those big, brown eyes if it wasn’t for that small smirk evident on his lips, which told him that the other’s intentions were far from being innocent.

 

Without waiting for a response Jonghyun turned his head and nudged the shaft lying next to his face playfully with the tip of his nose, the subtle touch automatically causing the erection to twitch once again. With what seemed like a satisfied grin Jonghyun hoisted himself up on his elbows between Kibum’s legs, closing his fingers around the erection in a loose grip and moved his hand a few times up and down, testing.

 

“Why do you think people never really talk during sex? At least not in porn…I mean except for the dirty talking that is supposed to turn people on,” Jonghyun asked all of a sudden, eyes fixed on the erection in his hand, and Kibum’s eyes focused on Jonghyun.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe they just have better things to do than talking then,” Kibum tried to argue, and moaned quietly, his upper body jerking upwards when Jonghyun twisted his wrist around him in a way that caused a string of pleasure to shoot straight into his lower stomach.

 

“Was that good?” was the next question, a proud smile appearing on Jonghyun’s lips when Kibum only managed to nod weakly.

 

“Is there something better than talking with someone you like?” Jonghyun philosophized, Kibum not really sure if his tipsy mind was speaking when another twist of the other’s hand educed another moan from his lips. He felt his erection throbbing in Jonghyun’s hand and how it got more sensitive with every stroke, one spark after another spreading out, his heart rate increasing.

 

“I think,” Kibum tried to answer the other’s question while holding his gaze. “I think this is a lot better than talking,” he managed to say, a swearword almost falling from his lips when Jonghyun’s wet mouth touched the tip of his erection for the first time that night.

 

“This is better than talking to me? I’m not sure if I should feel offended or flattered right now,” Jonghyun wondered teasingly, head rising for a second with a slight pout so he could speak before he went down again, sucking the tip between his smiling lips, Kibum slowly losing his posture.

 

Maybe it felt only that great because Kibum was inexperienced, maybe it felt only that great because it was Jonghyun who went down on him, whatever the truth was, it felt electrifying, Kibum’s hands reaching down to bury themselves into Jonghyun’s hair, grabbing some strands for support.

 

“Feel flattered,” was the only thing Kibum managed to mumble before his eyes fell shut, his voice strained, and his heart pumping frantically in his chest. The suction on him only intensified as time moved on, the sensation feeling a tad different compared to the first time. Jonghyun seemed to be surer of what he was doing this time, and about what he could expect as a result, Kibum noticed, as Jonghyun repeated actions that offered him the best reactions from Kibum. It was hard to stay quiet when the older one flicked his tongue a certain way, causing Kibum to lift his head for a moment to gape at him with an open mouth only to let it fall back into the pillows, his whole body shaking.

 

He was sure to almost have reached his breaking point when Jonghyun suddenly pulled away from him, lips full and glistening.

 

“Hey, I was wondering…” he began, still holding onto Kibum’s shaft with one hand, stroking it lazily while the other brushed along his inner thigh, the tension in Kibum’s abdomen decreasing. The younger one only whined in the back of his throat, wanting to feel the other’s lips back on him, wanting to be greedy.

 

“Have you ever touched yourself down there?” came the question that made Kibum’s whining stop instantly and caused him to look up once again instead.

 

“Down there?”

 

Jonghyun nodded, fingers gliding from his thigh closer to his crotch.

 

“Yeah, your butt, I mean. Have you ever tried touching yourself there?” Jonghyun phrased his question more specific, Kibum’s head flushing red. That was a rather intimate question to ask, wasn’t it?

 

“I…I did…but not very often,” he admitted after a moment of hesitation and pulled his fingers out of Jonghyun’s hair to let his hands sink down next to him on the futon.

 

“Why? You didn’t like it?” Jonghyun asked boldly and sat up on his knees, both hands now stroking up and down Kibum’s thighs.

 

“It didn’t give me anything,” Kibum shrugged, lifting himself up on his elbows. “Maybe I did something wrong, I don’t know. But it…it didn’t feel pleasurable at all.”

 

It really hadn’t. All his attempts had felt rather uncomfortable and cramped so he had given up eventually, assuming that it was simpler to get off just by sticking to his usual masturbation routine in the end.

 

“I see. Maybe it wasn’t pleasurable because you did it yourself?” Jonghyun speculated, rubbing up Kibum’s hip bones and back down to his thigh as he was actually attempting to massage him.

 

“If I jerk myself off, it’s always pleasurable, and well…that’s something I do myself, too.”

 

Kibum made a flipping motion with his hands, Jonghyun chuckling lowly, despite the younger one being serious about his comment.

 

“Touché!” Jonghyun nodded in agreement and then cocked his head to the side, a grin plastered on his face. “Can I try?”

 

Narrowing his eyes Kibum watched the other skeptically, not liking the defiant look the other was sending him.

 

“What exactly do you want to try?”

 

“Giving you pleasure.”

 

“You were already doing that a few minutes ago until you stopped,” Kibum sighed, sinking back into the sheets. He had the feeling that tonight was a tennis match, and the players Lust and Conversation were passing each other the ball in a fight that lasted way too long in Kibum’s opinion. It was probably the alcohol’s fault that Jonghyun talked even more than he usually did, constantly getting distracted by new ideas and thoughts that clustered his mind. Usually, Kibum wouldn’t have really minded this, but he had already been hooked and Jonghyun had simply thrown him back into cold water. It felt frustrating, and on top of it, all the talking slowly made parts of his body become soft again.

 

“Someone is being sassy,” Jonghyun provoked the younger one playfully, nudging at his leg with his hand.

 

“Hey, maybe we should try to sleep for now,” Kibum proposed and ignored the other’s comment when he realized that this might be the best option for both of them since he doubted that this night would end in a way that would be satisfying for the two of them.

 

“Oh,” came the flat reply and Jonghyun leaned back on his heels, looking a little lost for a second. “Did I say something wrong?”

 

Jonghyun sounded honestly alarmed, his hands stopping their ministrations on Kibum’s thighs. Kibum shook his head, not wanting to make the other feel bad about anything.

 

“No, it’s just…I’m tired.”

 

It wasn’t even a lie. After all, they had already planned on going to sleep a while ago. Jonghyun seemed to accept his explanation right away and only nodded in response. He bent over to place a kiss on Kibum’s stomach before he turned off the fairy lights and lay down next to him, grabbing the blanket to tug them both in, naked as they were.

 

“Sleep tight,” he murmured just like that, slinging his arms around Kibum’s torso and pulling him close to his chest. Kibum was so befuddled that it took him a second to register that the other had just gone from wanting to get him off to snuggle up to him within a blink of an eye, and he wasn’t quite sure what to think or say about that. In the end, he came to the conclusion that only the alcohol could be blamed for the other’s weird behavior, and that Jonghyun should consider avoiding wine in the future.

 

“Good night, Jong,” he said, at last, feeling a pair of lips press against his nape in return and a pair of arms pulling him even closer. He wasn’t sure if it was the best idea to go to sleep naked, because for all he knew Jonghyun’s mother could storm into the room in the morning to wake them up, but before he could voice his concerns he felt the other breathe heavily into his neck, signaling that at least one of them had already found the way to dreamland without much trouble.

 

Kibum, on the other hand, stayed awake for a while, feeling tired but restless, his mind jumbled with everything that happened during the past few hours. How different the night had ended than he had originally expected. They almost had sex with each other? That night, in Jonghyun’s room? Just like that? Until now sex had always been an abstract concept to Kibum, something that was constantly present in the back of his mind, but somehow not tangible. Others had sex, and so did he in his dreams, but transferring these scenarios into a real-life situation had been a wild concept for him. But now that they had almost gone through with it, spontaneously and without any prior planning, Kibum realized that sex wasn’t a wild concept anymore but actually something that was within his grasp, something that could become part of his reality rather sooner than later.

 

It excited and frightened him at the same time, and he wasn’t sure if spontaneity was really something he wanted for his first time, and a part of him was glad that they didn’t have lubrication to go through with it. If he was absolutely honest with himself he wanted to be better prepared for it, needed some form of certainty, a specific date he could look forward to.

 

Spontaneity might be something that worked for other people and in films, but his personality favored assurance over anything else. 

 

***

 

The rattling of pots and kettles droning through the door from downstairs woke Kibum up the next morning. It took him a minute to orientate himself, and he peeped out from a mountain of blankets he apparently had wrapped around himself during the night, making him look like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Turning his head and blinking his eyes unwillingly he noticed that the sun was already up and shining brightly into Jonghyun’s room, a look at his side telling Kibum that he had apparently stolen all blankets from Jonghyun who lay on his stomach, arms on either side of his head, legs positioned like the ones of a crab, face squished, and lips slightly opened.

 

In his cocoon Kibum rolled onto his side to take a better look at the other, a tiny smile appearing on his lips when Jonghyun crinkled his nose in his sleep. Rubbing his eyes tiredly with a yawn, Kibum pulled his legs closer to his body, burying his nose further into the blankets while watching Jonghyun silently, taking his time to trail his eyes slowly from his head, down his shoulders and back to the small butt, which was displayed in full view. It was small and round and Kibum had a hard time suppressing the urge of just crawling down to it and giving it a soft tap. On closer examination Kibum noticed several fine whitish lines running unevenly from his hip to his butt, marks he had never seen before, but probably were already there long before Kibum had even met Jonghyun. Bodies were a funny thing, he figured, recording the tiniest change in one’s body with distinctive, non-erasable markings.

 

His eyes flickered up when there was movement in Jonghyun’s body, a tiny frown appearing on his features, and a hand aimlessly reaching out, probably looking for him. There was a low grumble falling from Jonghyun’s lips when he only grabbed into nothingness, a pout appearing on his lips, his eyes opening a tiny crack.

 

“Wh’ ‘u ther’?”

 

The question was not more than a lazy mumble underlined with a hither motion of his hand, Kibum heaving his body over to Jonghyun while trying to wriggle himself out of the blankets at the same time. When he finally managed he spread the blankets over Jonghyun’s body as well, flinching from the cold when his hand reached for the other’s.

 

“You are cold,” he stated pragmatically, shivering when Jonghyun wrapped his arms and legs around him as if he was a human-sized plushie or a heater.

 

“An’ ‘u’r wa’m,” came the instant reply, Jonghyun’s nose feeling as cold as a dog’s as it pressed itself against Kibum’s neck.

 

“Sorry for stealing all the blankets,” Kibum apologized, placing one of his hands on Jonghyun’s hip to stroke his side and make him feel warmer. The low hum he received in response made Kibum smile and he leaned his cheek against Jonghyun’s head, closed his eyes and concentrated on the heaving and sinking of the other’s chest against his, the steady breath ghosting against his neck almost lulling him back to sleep.

 

“My head hurts,” Jonghyun whined after a while, his voice more audible now.

 

“Probably the wine.”

 

“Never allow me to drink wine again.”

 

Another soft whine and Kibum felt the tip of Jonghyun’s cold nose run along his neck, fingertips digging further into his skin, foot hooking behind the back of his knee. Kibum smiled into Jonghyun’s hair, enjoying the feeling of closeness they shared, and how natural it felt. Despite being aware that they both were naked beneath the blanket, Kibum didn’t mind, it didn’t even matter to him that Jonghyun’s crotch was pressed against his thigh, and how he could feel his penis align along his skin.

 

No matter how much time had passed since their first encounter at the music room it always impressed Kibum how far they had come as a couple, and how much he had grown as a person. He was sure that he would never get completely over all his insecurities, but learning how to handle them made his life easier and he was sure that it made Jonghyun’s life in regards to him easier as well.

 

“I’m sorry about last night by the way. I wasn’t the most charming boyfriend, I guess.”

 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened,” Kibum tried to comfort the other, not wanting the other to have a guilty conscience. He hadn’t done anything wrong after all.

 

“That’s the point. Things were supposed to happen, but didn’t, because I just couldn’t stop talking. Just shut me up next time.”

 

“How so?”

 

“I don’t know. Press a hand onto my big mouth or kiss me instead, your choice,” Jonghyun jested and slid a tad away, which caused Kibum’s head to fall onto the pillow, his eyes immediately opening in surprise.

 

“I could also press a pillow onto your face,” Kibum retorted playfully, chuckling when Jonghyun’s eyes widened in shock and his mouth turned into a pout.

 

“It’s too early to be mean to me,” came a direct complaint, underlined with a light tap on Kibum’s stomach.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Kibum pulled Jonghyun back closer again then, pressing a confident kiss on his cheek.

 

“I wouldn’t do that…unless you are kind of into that and wanted me to,” Kibum contemplated thoughtfully, grinning when Jonghyun started laughing in his arms.

 

“Suffocating someone for some kind of sexual thrill? I don’t think I would be up for that. I like breathing too much.”

 

There was another storm of giggles before both of them fell silent, Jonghyun nudging Kibum to the side until he was on his back and he could climb on top of him.

 

“But speaking of…do you want to finish what we’ve started last night?”

 

Jonghyun sounded highly suggestive, running his forefinger along Kibum’s shoulder, which made the other arch his eyebrow.

 

“Your parents are awake. I don’t think that would be a good idea,” he added for consideration, slinging his arms around Jonghyun’s neck, fingers playing with his hair.

 

There was a little discontent huff before Jonghyun rested his cheek against Kibum’s chest with a loud, theatrical sigh.

 

“I really wish we had a place just for the two of us where we don’t have to worry about anything or anyone,” Jonghyun mumbled after a while, his body hanging like dead weight on Kibum.

 

“This sounds nice,” Kibum admitted quietly, letting his fingertips wander along Jonghyun’s shoulders, feeling the soft skin and how the other’s muscles contracted beneath his touch.

 

“Hey, by the way.” Jonghyun lifted his head once again, Kibum looking at him curiously.

 

“Were you serious about being ready? I mean about wanting to have sex with me?”

 

Kibum hesitated for a moment before he nodded, adding an insecure “You weren’t?” afterwards, which made Jonghyun automatically smile.

 

“Of course I was…still am, but that’s more about you. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not feeling ready for, that’s all,” Jonghyun explained before sitting up, the blanket sliding down to his thighs, the view making Kibum gulp in the first moment. That was a view he definitely hadn’t seen anywhere but in porn until now. He coughed discreetly, not really knowing where to look before Jonghyun noticed his restless eyes, frowned and looked down at himself.

 

“Oh…oooh…sorry,” he said with an impish grin, and grabbed the blanket to sling it around his bottom half, a sigh of relief leaving Kibum’s lips after everything was well covered again. Not that he really minded to see the other sit on him naked, it was more Jonghyun’s parents he worried about or what they would think if they came into the room, finding the two boys on top of each other like this. It was a scenario he didn’t really want to picture. Maybe they should have just locked the door, but then again maybe this would have only led to wary questions about why they had decided to lock the door in the first place if his mom or dad happened to stop in front of it and try to open it to wake them for breakfast or something similar.

 

“Anyway, there is no need to rush anything,” Jonghyun continued as if nothing had happened, placing his hands flat on Kibum’s stomach, fanning out his fingers.

 

“Yes…about that,” Kibum harrumphed and chewed on his bottom lip to occupy himself with something other than looking at Jonghyun’s naked chest.

 

“Christmas is around the corner, right?” he began hesitantly, his eyes gliding up to Jonghyun’s face who looked at him in question. “I thought…maybe. Are you free then? I mean my mom probably wants to drag me to church on Christmas Day, but…I mean…maybe we can spend Christmas Eve together? I mean…only if your family is not doing anything of course,” Kibum rambled, knowing exactly what he wanted to say, but didn’t know how to say it and therefore stuttered his way around it.

 

“My family is not really religious. My dad calls the modern celebration of Christmas a trap set up by capitalist, and well, he’s somewhat right about that. So, we don’t do anything at all. It’s just another normal day at the Kim house. So, I’d love to do something together. We can go see a movie or something,” Jonghyun immediately suggested, a wide, excited grin appearing on his face, his hands tapping rhythmically on Kibum’s stomach.

 

Movies?

 

Well, it wasn’t exactly what Kibum had in mind so he only grinned awkwardly at Jonghyun, not really sure how to continue this conversation without him getting shy again.

 

“I…I thought…maybe…,” another pause, Jonghyun’s head tilting from one side to the other in confusion.

 

“I thought…maybe we can go to a love hotel then…to…you know. We wouldn’t have to worry about anyone there, and it would be just the two of us…I thought that would be nice,” he confessed eventually, relieved when his thoughts were finally out in the open.

 

“Am I getting this right, you want to plan our first time?” There was audible skepticism swaying in his voice, a frown appearing on his forehead. A little nod and a little helpless wave of his hand later Kibum wasn’t quite sure what to say next.

 

“I just like the certainty that planning it would bring. It would make me feel safer in a way because I don’t…I can mentally prepare myself for it?” he tried to explain with big gestures, trying to look at Jonghyun while doing so who didn’t seem completely convinced by his suggestion and pursed his lips.

 

“I certainly get where you are coming from…but…I don’t know…shouldn’t this be more spontaneous? Like in the ‘heat of the moment’…this kind of thing?” Jonghyun commented, climbing down from Kibum to sit next to him instead.  

 

“Well, being spontaneous doesn’t always end the way you want it to, right? Just think about last night,” Kibum argued against, sitting up himself now, pulling his legs to his chest, and hugging his knees with his arms.

 

Kibum flinched when Jonghyun let himself fall to the side melodramatically in the next moment, arms stretched out over his head, a “and all that because I forgot to buy lube,” falling from his lips. Despite the seriousness of the topic, Kibum couldn’t help but laugh at the other’s antics, hitting him playfully against his chest when another loud sigh left Jonghyun’s mouth.

 

“Yah! I’m serious,” he whined, hitting Jonghyun once again before the other caught his hand and held it in his, pulling it up to his heart.

 

“And so am I,” came the simple reply, another pout making its way onto Jonghyun’s lips, which was exchanged by a shocked expression when Kibum grabbed the pillow with his free hand, and pushed it his down his face, thinking that shutting Jonghyun up might be the best solution for the both of them for now.

 

*******

 

If Kibum had ever thought that talking about sex with Jonghyun or being physically intimate with him was a reason to be awkward, he wanted to re-evaluate his opinion as soon as he had followed the other down to the kitchen half an hour after getting up and had encountered Jonghyun’s dad on the way who had neither responded to Kibum’s greetings nor had asked him who he was or what he was doing in his house.

 

He was a tall, slender man with full black hair, only the graying sides giving any indication of his real age. Kibum would have called him handsome if it hadn’t been for the stern look on his face, and the icy aura that had radiated from him as Kibum had bashfully walked past him in the hallway.

 

He hadn’t imagined it to be this way. Wasn’t Jonghyun’s father supposed to take the role as a ‘father in law’ in Kibum’s perfectly imagined fantasy world in which Jonghyun and he shared a future? It felt like a low blow to his already almost non-existent self-esteem that Jonghyun’s father didn’t even have the courtesy to spare him a second glance, yet alone ask him for his name. Was he this uninterested in what happened in the house he was living in? So interested in his son’s life that it didn’t matter to him whom he brought home?

 

Jonghyun’s mother was so different in comparison, and for a moment Kibum contemplated how two people who seemed to be complete opposites of each other had fallen in love a blue moon ago and had raised two children. Mrs. Kim was a delight and patted his head when they sat down at the table, asking him if he slept well, telling them that the two of them had been so quiet throughout the night and that she hoped she hadn’t woken them up with her kitchen work earlier. In fact, she had woken them up, but Kibum only shook his head with a smile, telling her that he had slept very well.

 

“What’s up with your dad?” Kibum asked hesitantly after Jonghyun’s mother had left the kitchen for a moment, the two of them munching on a lavish amount of various small dishes consisting of rice, kimchi and pickles, noodles, and even some beansprout soup.

 

“Just ignore him. He can be a prick sometimes. They currently have some problems at the company he’s working for, and due to that his mood is even worse than it usually is,” he explained in a whisper, leaning a little towards Kibum as if he was worried that someone else could hear him. Kibum only nodded understandingly, picking up some kimchi with his chopsticks before leading it to his mouth. For a second he wondered if his begetter would act the same way around his friends if he still lived with him and his mother. Maybe Jonghyun’s father would have acted differently if he was a girl?

 

“Do you like the kimchi, Kibum? It’s made from a recipe that was passed down from Jonghyun’s great, grandmother.”

 

A little surprised Kibum turned his head when he heard a voice talking to him from behind, Jonghyun’s mother standing in front of the sink, turning on the faucet.

 

“It’s very good, Mrs. Kim. Thank you,” he answered her with what he hoped was a charming smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners when she returned the sentiment.

 

“Yah Kibum, did I ever tell you that the women on my mother’s side used to be sea divers? Like…I’m literally part mermaid, cool, right?”

 

Kibum had to stifle an explosion with laughter after the image of Jonghyun with a fishtail popped up in his mind, the thought only interrupted when Jonghyun’s mother came up to them and ruffled her son’s tousled hair.

 

“That’s why this kid is so determined and has such a strong will. Sometimes too strong-willed for his own good,” she sighed, stroking Jonghyun’s fringe aside. Kibum could see Jonghyun roll his eyes at the comment, but didn’t say anything and just smiled instead, having firsthand-experience of how determined the other could be.

 

“So Kibum, Jonghyun told me you met through him giving you guitar lessons? That’s so lovely. Are you generally interested in music or did you just want to learn how to play an instrument to impress the girls?” She grinned playfully at him before she nudged him against his upper arm, Kibum not really sure how to answer her question and only smiling helplessly at her. He couldn’t just answer her question with ‘The guitar was just a pretense, I only wanted to meet your son, because I had a profound, unhealthy crush on him’, even though it would have been the unvarnished truth.

 

“Mom, not everyone wants to learn how to play an instrument to impress someone. Some people just enjoy music,” Jonghyun uttered, sounding slightly irritated, Kibum stroking his calf with his foot beneath the table, indirectly thanking him for coming to his rescue.

 

“Ah, you are no fun, Jonghyun. But is there someone you like, Kibum? I’m sure such a handsome boy like you has a whole flock of girls running after him,” she continued her investigation, making Kibum feel more uncomfortable by the second. He knew that she only meant well, but the more she talked about girls the more unsure Kibum got about the prospect of her finding out that he and her son were dating.

 

“I’m not popular at all, Mrs. Kim, but yes, there is someone I like,” he admitted candidly but as vaguely as possible to not give too much information away. Maybe this answer would be enough to satisfy her curiosity.

 

An excited clap caused Kibum to look up from his bean sprout soup, Jonghyun’s mom smiling brightly at him, her hands clasped in front of her chest.

 

“What a lucky girl. She must be very beautiful as well.”

 

“A lucky girl indeed,” Jonghyun commented flatly out of nowhere, slurping on some noodles, and a grin forming on his face when Kibum kicked him beneath the table. The other seemed to have way too much fun with this.

 

“Yes, very beautiful indeed, and also very kind and charming, sometimes a little too strong willed maybe.”

 

The remark made Jonghyun almost choke on his noodles, and he coughed loudly, sending Kibum a bewildered look while his mother patted his back, cooing him. Kibum only shrugged in response, wanting to say that ‘two could play that game’ but suppressed this urge and reached for a pickle instead.

 

“She sounds like a lovely person. Jonghyun, as the older one you should be a good sport and help your friend to awaken her interest. That’s what friends are for. Your father also always had a friend in tow, because he was too coward to make a move on his own,” she explained, and at this point Kibum wasn’t really sure anymore if he should feel bad for giving Jonghyun’s mom the run-around or if she deserved their little mischief for simply assuming that girls were the only possible thing on a boy’s mind.

 

“I think he’s doing perfectly well on his own, mom. Just look at his face, how can anyone say ‘no’ to that?” Jonghyun concluded with an innocent smile, his mother only humming in agreement, not fathoming the deeper meaning behind her son’s words. The truth behind his words remained as a little secret between Kibum and Jonghyun, and even though Kibum sometimes just wanted to go out on the street and scream at the world how happy Kim Jonghyun made him, and how much in love with him he was, their relationship felt more secure like this, their own little safe place hidden from the scrutinizing gaze of society.

 

“Maybe Kibum should help you out then. How long has it been since Sookjoo was last here? She was such a lovely and well-mannered girl, so ambitious and hardworking, and so pretty. Did I tell you I met her mom last week? Sookjoo is pursuing a Master’s degree and is apparently not dating anyone right now. I still don’t know why she had an interest in someone younger than her, but my grandchildren would have looked so beautiful.”

 

There it was again, the invisible cord that slung itself around Kibum’s middle, tying itself tightly around him, suffocating him. He’d give his right arm to hear someone talk about him in this manner, hearing someone praise him and see him as a good catch for their sons rather than their daughters.

 

“We’ve met her when we went to that ‘Open Day’ thing at Seoul National University,” Jonghyun mentioned casually, pressing his toes down onto Kibum’s foot in what he probably considered a soothing gesture.

 

“Oh, why didn’t you tell me that? She’s very pretty, isn’t she, Kibum?”

 

“Yeah, yes, she’s very pretty,” Kibum agreed instantly, just wanting this topic to be over and done with. Although they had talked about Sookjoo, and Jonghyun had reassured him that he didn’t need to worry about her, Kibum still didn’t like to talk let alone think about her. Wasn’t that only natural? Who’d really like to hear about their partner’s exes?

 

“Jonghyun doesn’t take after his father much, but at least he got the good taste in women from him.”

 

There was a little amused laugh falling from Mrs. Kim’s lips before she tousled her son’s head one last time, and then excused herself to do the laundry, her small frame soon disappearing through the kitchen door.

 

“I’m sorry, that must have been uncomfortable for you,” Jonghyun said as soon as she was out of earshot, the tip of his toes patting the back of Kibum’s foot before he pulled them away.

 

“It’s fine. Thanks for helping me out,” Kibum replied meekly, grabbing the spoon next to his plate to eat some rice.

 

“I don’t know why parents tend to ask such indiscreet questions. It feels like they lose all shame after hitting a certain age. As if they think they can ask people anything without fearing it to be inconsiderate towards someone,” Jonghyun sighed, pushing the sleeve of his black hoodie up his arm.

 

“Maybe we’ll become the same way when we’re over 40,” Kibum mussed, wondering what his life would look like then.

 

“I hope not. I hope I’ll still have all of my hair when I’m over 40.” Jonghyun grabbed his own hair and pulled at it, some of the strands falling back as soon as he let go of it again while others stayed tangled into all directions, making it look as if Jonghyun had reached into an electric socket.

 

“I hope that for you, too,” Kibum joked, and used his hand to smoothen back Jonghyun’s hair with a smile, lingering in the soft curls before pulling his hand back again.

 

“You don’t think I would look hot with a bald head? We’ll get an idea of what it’s going to look like when I have to do my military service I guess,” Jonghyun pondered, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“I think you would look hot with everything…even a bald head,” Kibum replied honestly, smiling when Jonghyun sent him an impish grin.

 

“Look who’s doing all the smooth talking now,” he teased, nudging Kibum into the side before going back to eating his breakfast, the younger one following the other’s lead by doing the same, the smile on his lips unmoving.

 

*******

 

Only when they went back to Jonghyun’s room after breakfast Kibum noticed the chaos they actually had created in the other’s room, bonbon wrappers lying all over the place, pillows and blankets clustered in every corner, chips crumbs covering Jonghyun’s mattress, the smell of two teenage boys who thought airing the room was just the name of a hip British rock band, penetrating Kibum’s nostrils. It stank in Jonghyun’s room; of fast food, wine, sweat, and teenage hormones, and Kibum went straight to the other’s window to open it widely and let some fresh air inside, the cold winter air making him shiver instantly.

 

“We should clean up, I don’t think you want to eat the rest of the burger anymore. It looks like it’s about to become alive again,” Kibum wrinkled his nose, eyeing the remaining parts of their dinner from last night sitting on the desk warily. Jonghyun pulled a face of disapproval in response, came up to Kibum and slung his arms around him with a sigh, burying his face in the crook of the other’s neck.

 

“I thought we could cuddle and kiss some more before we have to face reality again,” Jonghyun mumbled, running his nose along Kibum’s neck. The younger one pulled his shoulders up out of reflex as the sensation tickled him, his arms finding their way around Jonghyun’s waist, holding onto him in a firm grip. He had to admit that this sounded way nicer than cleaning up.

 

“Can we at least lock the room this time?” he asked with a look at the other’s door, Jonghyun immediately lifting his head with a smile.

 

“My mom won’t walk in all of a sudden, but if it makes you feel better, of course.”

 

That being said Jonghyun let go of Kibum to lock the door, and grabbed for the other’s hand on his way back, pulling him down to the futon, and covering them both with one of the blankets they had tossed aside after getting up earlier.

 

Jonghyun didn’t give Kibum a second to find a comfortable position on the floor before his lips were on his, one hand reaching out for his cheek to stroke it gently, the other grabbing the fabric of his T-shirt to pull him closer. A little perplex Kibum gave in without thinking about it too much, eyes falling shut, his mouth opening to welcome the other’s tongue with a little smile.

 

They fooled around like this for a while, not caring about the rest of the world, just kissing and touching, whispering cheesy sentiments into each other’s ears and trying to find out who could make the other cringe more, Jonghyun winning by a mile after comparing Kibum’s skin to raspberry cheesecake. It was so easy to be with Jonghyun, so easy to enjoy his company, to just be with him and talk about nonsense, and Kibum had a hard time trying to remember how he had spent his time before meeting him. Sometimes people just clicked with one another, and Kibum had never thought after watching Jonghyun from afar for so long that they would click so well despite their differences.

 

“Hey, I thought about your Christmas suggestion,” Jonghyun announced when they were lying side by side, Kibum’s head resting on his arm.

 

“If that’s what you’d like to do, then let’s do it like this,” he added in a thoughtful tone, turning his head towards Kibum who felt a wave of relief wash over him.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, why not? I mean it makes me look forward to Christmas for the first time in my life. If that’s not something.”

 

Jonghyun grabbed for Kibum’s hand then, lifted it up and interlaced their fingers, both boys looking at their hands for a moment.

 

“You are my Christmas present so to speak,” Jonghyun then quipped all of a sudden, Kibum putting some force into his hand so he could push them down until they landed on Jonghyun’s forehead, the other starting to laugh.

 

“You are so obnoxious,” Kibum commented, pretending to sound mildly hurt when in fact his mind had already tied red ribbons around him only for Jonghyun to unwrap him again.

 

“I wasn’t the one who suggested going to a love hotel. Are you sure a love hotel is a good idea?” Jonghyun pondered, moving their hands away from his face.

 

“It’s cheaper than a hotel room, that’s why I suggested it,” Kibum shrugged, watching as Jonghyun began to play around with his fingers.

 

“Do you want to stay the whole night there or just a few hours?” Jonghyun asked then, seemingly wanting to plan this day in all details already.

 

“I haven’t thought about that yet. What are we going to tell our parents anyway?” Kibum’s eyes went up to the white ceiling, watching the turned off lamp sitting in the middle of it.

 

“We use the oldest lie in the book of lies. You tell your mom you’re staying at my place, and I tell my parents I’m staying at yours. Et voilà, no problem there.”

 

There was a triumphant grin on Jonghyun’s lips as if he had just solved a Rubik's cube, and had made his last turn before every side of the cube showed a different color.

 

“Your parents might believe that, because they don’t know about us, but I’m not so sure about my mom,” Kibum sighed deeply, eyes falling back to their hands, Jonghyun moving Kibum’s fore- and middle finger in a way that made them look like a pair of very small legs.

 

“Does your mom have any reason to mistrust you? And I mean even if she has her doubts, we’re not doing anything wrong like going to an illegal rave or sniffing cocaine. I mean…she was the one who put condoms in your nightstand. If someone is going to understand the situation then it’s her,” Jonghyun tried to explain his thoughts reasonably and stopped to move his hand.

 

Another sigh and Kibum rubbed his face with his free hand, knowing that he worried too much again.

 

“You are probably right,” he said finally, nibbling on his bottom lip. “I guess I’m just nervous.”

 

“Hey, that’s perfectly normal, Kibum. I mean just thinking about makes me incredibly nervous as well, like sweaty hands, and cramping stomach kind of nervous.”

 

Kibum looked at the other in surprise, frowning slightly. To him, Jonghyun didn’t look like he was faced with the situation at all.

 

“But you talk so casually about it like it’s no big deal at all. I mean last night you were all…”

 

“Kibum, last night I was very horny,” Jonghyun laughed, scratching his head apologetically. “And all the casual talking? I do that to calm myself. How could I not be nervous? I mean this is something special, and we’re going to share it. I don’t want a clichéd fairytale first time with you, so don’t expect me to place you in a bed with thousands of rose petals, but I also don’t want it to suck and be the worst decisions we’ve made in our lives. So, of course, I’m nervous,” Jonghyun stated as if it was a ridiculous thing to even question his state of mind.

 

“You are afraid that it’s going to suck?”

 

“Of course I am! I mean why do you think I read up on all these things? I just want to make you feel good, but I’m super afraid that I won’t be able to, and that you are going to think that I’m a total loser afterwards,” Jonghyun confessed honestly, and turned onto his side to look directly at Kibum. “I’m not a pro when it comes to any of this, Kibum. Half of the time I have no idea what I’m even doing,” he continued with a small, sheepish smile, leaning forward to place his head against Kibum’s.

 

Kibum could feel the other’s chest heave next to him as Jonghyun sighed deeply several times in a row, slinging one arm around his waist. It was relieving to learn that he wasn’t the only one who worried, wasn’t the only one who thought that getting more intimate with each other could only worsen their relationship. If both of them worried so much, weren’t they destined to fail?

 

“I often thought about this as well. I constantly think what if I’m not good enough for you? What if you realize that having sex with another male is not what you want after all?” Kibum uttered after a while, wanting to voice his own concerns so Jonghyun knew that he wasn’t alone with his.

 

“How can you even think that you are not good enough for me, Kibum? What are you even talking? You are far too good for me,” Jonghyun instantly replied, almost sounding outraged.

 

“Then how can you think that you won’t be able to make me feel good? Just looking at you makes me already feel better.”

 

“Maybe we both worry too much then. We’ll be fine, right? It will be fine.” Jonghyun sounded thoughtful as if he was reassuring himself, nodding with a low hum when he finished his sentence, his hand stroking Kibum’s side. “Besides, even if the first time won’t be perfect. We can practice until it will be perfect.”

 

There was a chuckle which made Kibum laugh as well, the younger one of them poking Jonghyun for his suggestive remark, his ears heating up when he thought about his comment longer than necessary.

 

Jonghyun was right. There was no need to make their first time perfect. Achieving perfection was an impossible task, and striving for it could throw a shadow on already accomplished goals, could make fine things appear flawed or not good enough. But what they had was good enough, and after their date and the night they had spent together, Kibum was sure that even an imperfect first time could be perfect in it its own special way, an embarrassing memory they could share and laugh about later on in life, a fond reminiscence of their fragile youth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ① fenwench [Fairy Lights](https://flic.kr/p/BQLkmK) (CC BY 2.0)  
> ③ emdot [day in the life: morning](https://flic.kr/p/CoAW) (CC BY 2.0)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers of You are Love,  
> It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Usually I write A/Ns at the end of a chapter, but I figured this one might be better placed at the beginning of it. First of all I want to apologize to the approx. five people who still read this story, I can understand that it has to be bothersome when a story you like reading doesn’t get updated in so long. I’m not a George R. R. Martin after all, just a bored person on the internet who likes writing. 
> 
> This chapter was supposed to be released on Christmas as some kind of gift since this chapter revolves around Christmas as you will see later. However, after what happened on December 18 I wasn’t sure whether I’m ever going to finish writing this story nor if I’m going to write any form of fan fiction ever again at all. I struggled with this decision for quite some time before I decided that I’m going to finish this story and the others I have started writing, but haven’t finished yet. I do that because for some reason I feel the need to give Jonghyun all the happy endings he wasn’t granted in real life. 
> 
> The attentive readers might have noticed that I changed the rating as well as the chapter count on this story. The ? is gone and after chapter 25 (on here it will be 10 I guess) is uploaded this story will be finished, but considering my writing pace that might take another year. 
> 
> The past two months have been quite hard on me as well as on others, so I hope that this chapter might bring you back to better days mentally. The chapter is over 30.000 words long and was written in a span of over half a year, which is a ridiculous long time. Once again I’m very sorry for that, but things just didn’t feel right, and I’m still not happy how this chapter turned out - since it didn't turn out the way I had planned it at all - , but I hope at least some of you will enjoy reading it.
> 
> Last not but not least I also want to apologize to the people who left comments on here and never received an answer to them. I wasn't online on here, but I will get to you as soon as I uploaded this. 
> 
> I hope whoever is going to read this has a nice day. Please take good care of yourself. ❤

**Chapter 22: I can't do this alone**

 

It was noisy in the school canteen when Jinki and Kibum wandered around to look for empty seats during lunch break, laughter and loud voices surrounding them as if they were at a public pool during summer vacation. The students all seemed to look forward to Christmas break, and it showed in their behavior, the usual stressed and tired expressions on their faces exchanged for happy and excited ones. For a second Kibum wondered whether other people on their school grounds had planned their first time to happen during Christmas break or if he was the only one who would come back in the new year, most likely feeling a little more like an adult.

 

Settling down next to the windows in the far back of the canteen Jinki unpacked his black lunch box with an almost lovestruck expression on his face, revealing chicken breast with rice and vegetables. Kibum’s egg sandwiches paled in comparison, and with a sullen look on his face he bit off a piece, chewing on it indifferently.

 

“What did Mrs. Park want from you earlier? You are so lucky to be the teacher’s pet, being able to leave math class just like that while the rest of us has to suffer through all of it,” Kibum asked between chews, cheeks filled with bread, his mouth feeling dry. Meanwhile, Jinki ceremoniously opened another smaller box, which contained his chopsticks, the older one making his whole lunch routine appear like the distribution of the Holy Communion.

 

“She just informed me of a new student that joins our class after Christmas break. Apparently, some prodigy who went to a private school abroad until now,” he answered monotonously, seemingly more interested in admiring his meal than talking about new students.

 

“So late in the school year? Does that make any sense?” Kibum frowned, his eyes jumping between Jinki and the entrance of the canteen. He hoped Jonghyun would join their lunch date even though the other had already warned him via text message that he might not be able to come to the canteen due to a consolation with his music teacher after class.

 

“That kid can’t do anything about his parents moving, right?”

 

Jinki only looked up shortly from his lunch before he plucked at a tender looking piece of chicken breast to stuff into his mouth, a happy sigh leaving his lips, his stiff shoulders immediately relaxing.

 

“I guess so,” Kibum agreed with a nod, probing up his chin in one hand, turning his sandwich from one side to the other, hoping that it might magically turn into something tastier if he kept on moving it around.

 

“At least I won’t be the new kid then anymore. Please, don’t abandon me for that new kid, okay?” he added playfully, grinning when Jinki looked up at him with wide eyes and an open mouth, shaking his head vehemently.

 

“How could I? You are the first person who sees more in me than just a boring nerd with no life, so how could I abandon you?” Jinki questioned, sounding rather serious, the grin on Kibum’s face widening.

 

“That’s true. I see you as a dorky nerd,” he joked, Jinki pulling a dissatisfied face at first before both started laughing.

 

“I’m just doing the usual. Show him around, tell him about the teachers and the school, and support him in class and possible club choices. Apparently, he has a profound interest in physics and biology. Mrs. Park told me that he even won some student price in Japan,” Jinki explained while he picked up some rice and vegetables.

 

“Impressive. Maybe you will finally find a match and actually can talk to someone on your level,” Kibum added for consideration, making the boy on the opposite side of the table snort.

 

“On my level? What’s that supposed to mean? Are you not talking on my level?”

 

“Oh come on, Jinki. You know what I mean. Half of the time you talk about anything scientific my mind goes blank, and I’m feeling like I’m lost in a desert. That must be boring for you,” Kibum whined, feeling inadequate all of a sudden.

 

“If there is one thing you don’t do, then it’s boring me, Kibum. Science is fun, but I don’t need to constantly discuss it with people. Listening to the developments of your love life is always a nice change to silent numbers and formulas,” Jinki explained with a bright smile, a set of pearly white teeth beaming at Kibum.

 

Pursing his lips skeptically, Kibum watched the older one in silence for a moment before deciding that Jinki was telling the truth and not just making fun of him.

 

“You could get your own, you know,” he remarked then, taking another bite of his sandwich, and wrapping the puny rest of it back into his lunch box.

 

“My own love life?”

 

Kibum nodded in response, and stored the box away in his backpack, sweeping his hand across the table to remove some breadcrumbs.

 

“I already told you I have no interest in dating. Besides, dating seems so time-consuming. I can’t afford that right now. If I want to get into the math program at Seoul National University my main focus should be on studying,” Jinki explained in his usual grownup manner, his head as always controlled by logic rather than reverie.

 

Another whine fell from Kibum’s lips who threw his arms up theatrically, kicking the other beneath the table.

 

“Lee Jinki, why are you every parents’ dream? Tell me your secret!” Kibum demanded, flicking the other’s arm before falling to the side, resting his head on the table top.

 

“I don’t have a Jonghyun in my life to distract me from studying,” Jinki winked with a grin, guiding another piece of chicken breast to his mouth, chewing on it with a satisfied look.

 

“I already had no interest in studying math before I even knew of Jonghyun’s existence. He can’t be blamed for my failure as a student.”

 

Another dramatic wail later and Kibum felt Jinki’s hand on his head, patting him a little awkwardly.

 

“Don’t say that. You might have a weakness when it comes to natural science, but you are definitely talented in the arts and language department.”

 

“But nobody cares about those,” Kibum muttered sulkily, looking up at Jinki from the corner of his eye who still patted him as if he was a dog.

 

“Look, if you are good at something it doesn’t matter what it is. Work on your strengths rather than dwelling on your weaknesses.”

 

Jinki pulled his hand away when Kibum straightened up again shortly after he was done with his motivational speech, the younger one still feeling insufficient, but not wanting to waste their lunch break with school talk. Besides the group of girls sitting at the other end of the table had already started side-eyeing them, whispering things to each other that Kibum rather not wanted to know. He cast them a lazy smile, which resulted in the girls immediately turning their heads away, flustered.

 

Scratching his head with a sigh Kibum took another glance at the opened winged doors on the other side of the canteen in hope to see Jonghyun stroll inside, but his boyfriend was still not in sight, his shoulders slouching down in disappointment. Day X as he had started to call it was seven days away, and despite it nearing in a rapid speed the realization that they were really going through with it, hadn’t completely sunken in yet. He was too busy preparing Jonghyun’s gift by drawing until deep into the night every day as to waste energy on panicking over his first time. Everything would be okay. Somehow. He hoped.

 

“Isn’t Jonghyun stopping by today?” Jinki asked after a while of them silently sitting in front of each other, Jinki happily munching on his food while Kibum watched him eat in envy.

 

“I guess not. He wanted to talk to his music teacher after class. Some university related stuff. And he wasn’t sure how much time this would take,” he groaned, pulling at the sleeves of his uniform jacket.

 

“Already nervous? Because…you know.”

 

Jinki lifted his shoulders a bit helplessly before they sunk down again, chopsticks aimlessly picking at his food, eyes not really looking at Kibum but cast at the table.

 

“Because of your plans?”

 

He added after a moment of hesitation, seemingly having difficulty to choose the right words. Biting his bottom lip Kibum followed the movements of Jinki’s chopsticks with his eyes, his left knee starting to develop a life of its own, bobbing up and down. He had told the other about his plan for Christmas first thing on Monday morning, the older one having been startled at first before he had given Kibum a wordless thumbs up. They hadn’t had time to talk about said plans in detail yet since the teacher had entered the room soon afterwards, and Jonghyun had joined them for lunch later that day, but Jinki apparently hadn’t forgotten about it, taking the first chance he got to address the topic at hand.

 

“A bit. I’m not sure. I don’t know. It still seems kind of unreal. Maybe we’re not going through with it after all. I really don’t know,” Kibum said lowly, stumbling a little over his words.

 

He received a nod in response, accompanied by a thoughtful hum.

 

“It’s a big thing,” Jinki said after a pause, the random comment making Kibum laugh.

 

“Yeah, it is,” he agreed with a smile, tapping his fingers against the edge of the table. It was reassuring in a way.

 

“You’ll belong to the cool kids club then.”

 

When Jinki looked up, he was grinning.

 

“You’re being ridiculous now. This is not some American teen movie,” Kibum responded quickly, feet leaning forward so only the tip of his shoes touched the ground.

 

“Have you already decided where you are going? I can imagine a lot of young people want to spend some time together over Christmas.”

 

“I think Jongno area might be our best bet. But let’s rather not talk about it. Talking about it only makes it seem more real…and I’m not ready to panic yet.”

 

Jinki smiled at him sympathetically, not touching on the topic any further but deciding to talk about a new superhero movie that was going to be released the upcoming week. Kibum was thankful that Jinki didn’t continue to probe, because the more he thought about day X, the more intense the tingling in his stomach got, pulling at his guts, and making him feel like he was about to throw up.

 

******

 

It was already past midnight when Jonghyun sent him a message, Kibum hanging over his desk, outlining the tenth page of his little fairy tale. The story had taken shape and form in the past few days, and he was satisfied with the idea of two young boys going on a journey together where they eventually fall in love while meeting mysterious creatures, and experience the wildest adventures. It was a cute little idea based on how they had really met, even Jinki getting a special guest appearance in form of a small boy with a bright smile who stuck in a bunny costume and helped Kibum find his way through a scary swamp filled with orcs and trolls – their teachers and fellow students – to reach an enchanted forest – the music room - where he meets a beautiful fairy who plays the flute.

 

He drew into a purple sketchbook he specifically had bought for the purpose of creating his own fairytale, paying more attention to details than time allowed him to. A little reluctantly he put his pencil down when his cell phone started vibrating, a smile appearing on his face when he saw the contact name ‘Mr. Kink’ pop up on his display.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _I got it. We’re all set. Whoop whoop! ;)_ the message read and attached to it was a photo of two black tubes and Jonghyun’s right hand doing a thumbs up next to them. Kibum had to zoom in to see that the tubes had the words ‘Anal lubrication’ written on them in white, his ears instantly turning hot.

 

_Where and how? And why two?_ He replied after looking at the photo for a moment, gnawing on his lip. 

**_Mr. Kink:_ ** _From a magical place called the internet. *inserts dramatic hand gesture* One is water-based and the other silicone-based. I read about pros and cons for both, and thought we could see what works best for us by trying each of them out?_

 

What a dork, Kibum thought as he pulled one of his legs up to his chest, giddily turning around in his swivel chair. He wanted to call the other, but after checking the clock in the upper corner of his cell phone, he decided against it, not wanting to wake up his mother or Jonghyun’s parents.

 

 _You are a genius! :o *mind blown*_ he wrote instead, giggling by himself, his little Christmas project already forgotten _._

**_Mr. Kink_ ** _: I know *tips hat* What does it feel like to date a genius like me?_

_Thrilling! Because I never know what your genius mind will come up with next. Today it’s lube…but who knows what it’s going to be tomorrow!_

 

Kibum got up from his chair after he hit the send button, staring at the screen of his cell phone with a big grin while he walked over to his bed and let himself fall onto the mattress. He wiggled his legs around impatiently, waiting for a reply, pressing the opening button as soon as his screen lit up again.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Hey, can I ask u for a favor?_

 

The second message reached Kibum shortly after the first one, a small frown appearing on his forehead as he tried to think of any possible requests the other could have. Jonghyun usually wasn’t someone who asked for any favors.

 

 _Sure, what is it?_ He asked naively, turning around onto his stomach, probed up on his elbows, holding his cell phone in both hands. He didn’t have to wait long for a reply, the screen lightening up less than twenty seconds after he had sent his response.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Can you take a selca and send it to me? I’m kinda missing you a lot right now. TT__TT_

 

A sound almost as high as the squeaking of a frightened mouse escaped Kibum’s lips, and he tossed around on his bed, wanting to jump right through the screen and into Jonghyun’s arms. Day X was seven days away, he told himself over and over again, seven days of building up excitement and anxiety alike. Seven days until their relationship would reach another level…most likely at least.

 

Fixing his hair before getting into position, Kibum angled his phone from left to right and up and down, taking not one but at least twenty photos, his expressions in them ranging from cute and dreamy to a little more playful and suggestive. He browsed through his picture folder afterwards, deleting the ones he didn’t like, be it due to his fringe not sitting perfectly, or his face not looking right in the photos. In the end, he chose the three he liked the most and sent them to Jonghyun, attaching a cheeky _‘I’m waiting for something in return now ;)’._

 

His phone stayed silent afterwards, an unsettling feeling of rejection bubbling up deep inside his stomach as he waited for some kind of reaction. In desperation, he checked if he had really sent the photos after not receiving a reply for five minutes, and he sat up when he felt too nervous to stay still for any longer.

 

 _Don't you like them?_ Kibum typed after staring at his phone for another two minutes and got up to sit back down at his desk again. Placing his phone aside he tried to concentrate on his little story again, outlining a fairy chibi version of Jonghyun, his eyes constantly taking a glimpse at his phone between pencil strokes.

 

He almost let his phone fall to the ground as it finally vibrated after what had seemed an eternity to him, the plastic slipping through his fingers when he grabbed it quickly, only a very acrobatic looking move making him catch it shortly before it hit the floor.

 

There was a photo attached to the message that read ‘ _I do…a lot’_ , Kibum having to turn his head from side to side until he realized that Jonghyun had just sent him a photo of his boxers, a prominent tent visible beneath the baby blue color of the fabric. His initial reaction was to close the photo as fast as possible, putting his phone far out of reach as if he had just burned himself, staring at it for a moment, teeth nibbling on a piece of dead skin on his thumb.

 

Had his boyfriend just sent him a very raunchy photo of his crotch? The thought made his neither regions twitch pleasantly and in defeat he picked up his phone again, and opened the photo, staring way too long at it. Not really knowing what to reply, he sent the first thing that popped up in his mind.

 

_Cute boxers. Are those new?_

 

He hit himself against the head as soon as he had sent the message, mouthing the words he had typed to himself as if he was a parrot, muttering a “Seriously?” under his breath. This was not how sexy talk worked, at least that’s what he guessed Jonghyun had been going for.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Yeah, they are new! xD Always paying attention to the important details. That’s my boy! :P_

 

He typed ‘ _I’m sorry, I just didn’t expect to see such a photo after midnight’_ quicker than a lightning bolt, taking a look at the photo again to focus on the line of hair prominent above the waistband of Jonghyun’s boxers.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Do you prefer to receive such a photo in the morning instead? :P I guess I could arrange that…_

 

Kibum shook his head with a smile, wondering if he should draw fairy Jonghyun just in a pair of cute boxers with stars on them instead of an actual outfit. Boxers to show off the exhibitionist in him seemed to be far more appropriate than putting him in clothes.

 

_Hey Mr. Kink, are you up for showing me the rest of you as well? Not that I don’t appreciate a well-angled crotch shot, but you know….for the sake of science! :P_

It was the first time he was actually satisfied with his reply, and he nodded to himself in accomplishment when he re-read it, deeming it to be witty and flirty enough without it going too overboard.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _For the sake of science?_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Well, I can’t say no to that, can I? I don’t want to get in the way of you wanting to broaden your horizon in regards to male anatomy in case you decide to study human medicine in near future. ;)_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Just gimme a sec!_

 

Biting his lip in anticipation, Kibum turned around on his swivel chair until he became dizzy, his heart pounding in his chest, and his head feeling pleasantly light. They should both be asleep at this time of the day, he realized as he started yawning, his eyes tired and itching from staring at one spot for too long, but exchanging messages with Jonghyun was way more fun than sleeping.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Remember those weekly teen magazines they used to have…_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Where there was a piece of a poster in every new magazine and after three months or so you could cut those pieces out and glue them together…_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _So you had a poster of your favorite star in life size?_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _My sister did that once with her favorite singer, collected all magazines diligently, and cut the poster pieces out as carefully as possible…she was very dedicated…_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Anyway, my point is…you can do the same now… ;DDDDD_

 

One message after the other flooded Kibum’s inbox, and he looked at the last one in confusion, not knowing what it meant when his cell phone started to vibrate continuously again, one photo popping up after the other until there were 20 in total.

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _You are welcome. ;)_

 

Jonghyun added before Kibum had even the chance to type anything yet alone peek at any of the photos the other had gifted him with. As he scrolled through the previews, he had to suppress a fit of giggles, holding one hand in front of his mouth, not quite believing that Jonghyun had in fact just sent him a vast collection of body shots; including close-ups of his hands, his bare chest and stomach, his legs, his shoulders, and collarbones, even one of his teeth biting his bottom lip, and his uneven nostrils.

 

If there had been an award for weirdest but most adorable boyfriend ever Kibum would have made sure to nominate Jonghyun for it. Sometimes he really wondered what went on in that head of his, what made him think the way he did or act in a certain way. On some days he thought he had figured out how Jonghyun’s brain worked, but on others, he seemed like a book with seven seals, always full of surprises.

 

_If I print those out and connect them, some might believe this is a crime scene and you are a dead body._

**_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Last time I checked, I was still pretty much alive… ;)_

_What a relief. :P I wouldn’t know what to do without you! (_ _ﾉ_ _∀_ _＼_ _*)_

 

Kibum felt his cheeks heat up a bit after becoming sentimental, his fingers automatically looking for his picture folder again to take a closer look at a photo of Jonghyun’s face that the other had sent along the close-ups of random body parts. He looked tired but content in it, bangs loosely falling into his face, lips hinting at a smile. Seven days till day X, he reminded himself again, the thought now almost hauntingly hammering against the back of his head. No matter how hard he tried to not think about it, it was a lost cause, and for a second he wondered whether it really had been a good idea to set a fixed date for something like this.

 

 ** _Mr. Kink:_** _❤_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _You should go to bed, babe._

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _It’s already past one._

 

Babe. That was the only word he could focus on for the next minute, staring down at the message with a dumb smile on his face. It was such a simple word and yet it made him feel all tingly and excited, wanting to hear Jonghyun use it when they actually talked to each other.

 

 _You just called me babe. ( *’_ _ω_ _’* )_

_That was a first._

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Oh, you noticed that? (´_ _꒳_ _`_ _∗_ _)_

 **_Mr. Kink_ ** _: I deleted and retyped it about six times before I decided to send it…_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _You don’t think it’s cringy?_

 

Kibum thought about this question for a moment, trying to balance the cuteness and the embarrassment level against each other, coming to the conclusion that he wouldn’t mind hearing it every now and then.

 

_I think it’s cute if one doesn’t overuse it._

 

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Well, then I try to throw it in every now and then…(_ _￣_ _ω_ _￣_ _)_

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _But this doesn’t change the fact that you should still go to bed, Kibum._

 **_Mr. Kink:_ ** _Only another three days of school before we can stay awake as long as we want to and sleep as long as we want to…whoop whoop… (/^_ _▽_ _^)/_

 

Kibum nodded at his cell phone in response, yawning once, twice before he got up and stretched, climbing into his bed and snuggling into his blanket. He pondered for a moment what kind of reply he should type, and deleted several attempts in the process, not liking the sound of them. In the end, he went for:

 

 _Sleep tight…and sweet dreams. I_ _❤_ _U! ( ♡_ _ε_ _♡ )_

 

*******

 

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock…_

 

The second hand on the clock hanging above the blackboard in their homeroom teacher’s class moved in a deliberate pace, and Kibum had spent the past fifteen minutes with staring at it, watching seconds and minutes go by, waiting impatiently for the hour hand to hit 4 pm. His chin probed up in his hand, he tapped his pencil against his notepad, not knowing what was going on in front of the class.

 

Their biology teacher Mrs. Yang had started with ecology today, but he had zoned out as soon as she had started to talk about lentic water, preferring to daydream about him and Jonghyun swimming naked in said waters rather than talking about different organisms living in them. Wouldn’t it be nice to just swash around together, and fall into soft grass afterwards, letting their wet skin dry by the sun? He could already see sunbeams playing a dance of light and shadow on Jonghyun’s body, his chest heaving, goosebumps spread over his chest from the water.

 

“Kibum?”

 

Kibum started from his daydream when he heard his name being called, shoulders getting stiff, eyes widening, and mouth becoming dry.

 

“Yes, Ma’am?” he asked hesitantly and straightened up, looking at his teacher who eyed him strictly.

 

“I asked you what a littoral zone is. Would you like to explain it to the class?” she asked with a forced smile, her voice sounding threatening and slightly mocking. Kibum felt sweat build up in his palms, and in the pits of his arms, mouth closing and opening again, the giggling of some girls behind him unnerving.

 

He saw her getting impatient as he didn’t answer right away, no answer to her question popping up in his head. Maybe he should have paid attention to her after all? Seeing Jinki’s arm rise from the corner of his eye, Kibum relaxed a bit when the teacher’s eyes moved away from him, asking his friend to answer her question in his stead. At least she didn’t make him suffer.

 

“The littoral zone is the part of a lake, a river, or the sea that is closest to the shore. If we are talking about the sea the littoral zone extends from the high water mark to shoreline areas, Ma’am,” Jinki replied confidently as if he was reading the answer from a textbook, smiling when Mrs. Yang nodded at him with a fond expression. Kibum couldn’t help but pull a face at the wordless exchange of endearments between student and teacher, wanting to know what it felt like to be every teacher’s favorite student.

 

All he did was mouth the word ‘Nerd’ into Jinki’s direction, winking at him with a smile when the other held his hand in front of his mouth to hide a laugh. 

 

After handing in their biology assignment at the end of class, which Kibum had crafted in a cloak-and-dagger operation with Jinki’s help via MSN the previous night, he couldn’t wait to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, breathing in deeply after he exited it, stretching his arms up in the air. They had worked on it until 4am in the morning because Kibum had forgotten all about it while working on Jonghyun’s little present. If it hadn’t been for Jinki being a literal angel he wouldn’t have made it in time, giving his teacher another reason to deem him inadequate and lazy.

 

“Thanks so much again. I owe you big time,” Kibum said as they walked along the hallway together, and slung his arm around Jinki to press their heads together.

 

“It’s fine, really. For me it’s not a big deal,” Jinki sold himself short, almost stumbling over his own feet when Kibum leaped forward and pulled him with him.

 

“But for me it is. What about me inviting you to KFC? How does that sound?”

 

Kibum grinned when Jinki’s eyes lit up as if they had seen a light somewhere far away.

 

“You don’t have to, really,” he tried to sound humble and less excited than he actually was, Kibum shaking his head in response.

 

“But I want to. Besides, we’re on winter break as of now…time to celebrate.”

 

Throwing his free arm up in the air, Kibum pretended to throw confetti, the two of them soon finding themselves outside their school building.

 

“You are not seeing Jonghyun today?”

 

Jinki appeared honestly surprised, and looked at Kibum in bewilderment, the two of them making their way over the school grounds, students from left and right passing them in hurried steps.

 

“No, he has his annual check-up at the dentist today. I…I probably won’t see him until…you know,” the younger one stated a little clumsily, letting go off Jinki to wrap his scarf tighter around his neck. The sky was cloudy, and the air crisp and cold. It looked like it might start snowing in the next few hours.

 

“Day X, huh? I still think it is wild that he agreed with your crazy idea of planning all this. I’m with him on this, things like this shouldn’t be planned.”

 

With a deep sigh Kibum nodded, knowing that his idea really might sound a little crazy to others, but now he didn’t want to pull out of it anymore because despite being a little anxious he was really looking forward to it.

 

“I guess it will be awkward as hell either way, so…I don’t know,” Kibum shrugged in defeat, sighing into his scarf, both students coming to a halt at the bus station in front of their school, groups of people already huddled together like penguins in the cold to wait for the next bus.

 

“I mean…don’t get me wrong…I’m…obviously not an expert on any of this,” Jinki began after they waited next to each other in silence for a moment. “But…intercourse…I mean…it’s not the only form of sex you can have, you know. The two of you have already been quite intimate, right? Those have been just different forms of sex, so don’t feel so nervous about the whole thing. Just see it as a different practice instead of something completely new. This whole virginity thing is just another social concept, constructed by perverted old men anyway. I don’t even think it technically applies to men, you know,” Jinki tried to explain as silently as possible so the surrounding students couldn’t hear him, his glove-clad hands waving through the air.

 

“I know…it’s just,” Kibum voiced a little weakly, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat. “I’m just scared that it might change something…I mean in a bad way. What if we don’t match at all, expected too much…and get disappointed. What if it really hurts? I mean…not just feeling uncomfortable, but actually hurts? Do I stop him? Will this make things even more awkward? I really don’t know what to do if things don’t go as I always imagined them…I…I’m sorry, I’m rambling,” he interrupted himself after a minute, his head turning when he heard the bus approach.

 

“You are overthinking this, Kibum,” Jinki replied with a strained voice as he squeezed himself into the bus, the other following suit.

 

“I’m afraid I’m always overthinking everything,” he admitted in a murmur, holding onto Jinki’s shoulder to not lose him when other people tried to get onto the bus after them. Public transportation during rush hour was a self-chosen form of death, Kibum thought as he was poked into the ribs from both sides, hoping that the three stops to the nearest KFC would pass faster than his last biology class had.

 

*******

 

“Honey, don’t forget to hang out your white shirt and blue pants. Do I need to iron them before Tuesday, okay? I don’t want you to attend church in wrinkly clothes.”

 

Kibum sat at the table together with his mother on Saturday evening, picking at the bowl of rice in front of him, not really feeling hungry. Day X was two days away, and the closer it got the more anxious he became. It felt like a train was approaching with high speed and he was tied to the tracks, not able to move and run away, awaiting his imminent death, feeling scared and lost. He wanted this, he really wanted to, but instead of thinking of how beautiful it would be to share such an intimate experience with someone he cared about so much, all Kibum could think of was the worst outcome possible; namely Jonghyun and him breaking up because the other would realize they didn’t match at all, and that he had wasted months on someone as big of a failure as Kibum was.

 

Whenever he told himself that Jonghyun wasn’t like that, that Jonghyun wouldn’t do something like that, a small voice in the back of his mind started pestering him, whispering ‘But what if he does?’ over and over again. It was unnerving and all Kibum wished for was for the voice to stop, to keep quiet and let him think reasonably for once.

 

“Is everything alright?”

 

The question made him look up, and he saw the worried look in his mother’s eyes, the expression in them a common occurrence ever since Kibum had hit puberty, and had started to isolate himself more with every passing day. 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, really. I’m just not hungry.”

 

He forced himself to a smile, one his mother didn’t seem to buy, because the look in her eyes stayed unchanged, too many fake smiles having already crossed his features in the past to make the slight twitch in the corners of his lips appear believable. Although she went back to eating her dinner in silence Kibum knew this question wasn’t the last thing he would get to hear, his posture rigid as he waited for her to speak up again, his chopsticks picking up some cabbage.

 

“So, you are sure you are not troubling Jonghyun’s parents when you are staying at their house on Christmas’ Eve? We should get them something nice as a gift. How about some fruits and flowers?” She said after a while, placing a piece of meat on the pile of cooked rice in front of her son, Kibum pulling a face at her subtle way of telling him to eat more.

 

“I’ll make sure I won’t be any trouble to them, mom. Besides they don’t celebrate Christmas in Jonghyun’s family. His father is convinced that Christianity is commercialized,” Kibum explained monotonously, and picked up the piece of fried pork, turning it from left to right before reluctantly guiding it to his mouth.

 

“Oh dear, what isn’t commercialized these days. Men, typical!” She spoke up, sounding slightly offended. Picking up some pickles she shook her head as if she couldn’t quite believe that there were people who didn’t celebrate the birth of Jesus, her chewing louder than usual.

 

“Maybe you can invite Jonghyun to come over instead? This would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

 

The simple suggestion was about to throw over all of their plans within a blink of an eye, and almost as hectically as a hummingbird, Kibum started to wave his hand in front of his chest in panic, taking up his stance.

 

“His mother already calculated me in for their dinner, it would be rude to cancel on such a short notice. Everything will be fine. I will be on time for the holy mass on Tuesday morning, don’t worry. I take my suit to Jonghyun’s, and come to church right from his house. I’ll meet you there, and then we celebrate Christmas like we always do, just the two of us, okay?” he sputtered, trying to calm down when he noticed how his mother started to eye him skeptically.

 

“I’ll get you the suit right after dinner,” Kibum added for further distraction, and smiled comfortingly. He put his chopsticks down next, and grabbed his spoon instead, shoving a big amount of rice into his mouth to fill up his cheeks, making it apparent that he wasn’t able to speak with a full mouth.

 

Even though she didn’t continue to probe further, Kibum had a feeling that this battle wasn’t completely over yet, and he was tensed, fearing that every little mistake or a wrong word could blow up their cover. He didn’t think his mother would be completely against the idea of Jonghyun and him getting closer as long as they did it safely, but Kibum was quite sure that she wouldn’t fancy the idea of seeing her underage son visit a love hotel at night during Christmas Eve to have intercourse there.

 

Just the thought of sex made Kibum’s stomach flip violently and he had to force himself to swallow the rice he had stuffed into his mouth to dodge further investigations, the feeling of the soft corns slipping down his gullet making him want to throw up.

 

He finished his little fairytale later that night because he wasn’t able to fall asleep, sitting crouched over his desk, glasses sitting on his nose, eyes burning from tiredness. The strokes of his colored pens were less precise than they usually were, Kibum catching himself several times almost coloring outside the lines, his left leg twitching nervously. The choosing of the right colors happened automatically, his hand moving on its own accord, his head too busy with vividly imagining a shady room with a yellow stained ceiling and peeled of wallpaper than on concentrating completely on the task in front of him.

 

Kibum heard the echo of a squeaking bed in his head, saw dirty sheets in front of him, shivers running down his spine. He only knew love hotels from 90’s movies, their reputation for them not being the best, because they were mostly frequented by elderly men and prostitutes. With a desperate whine, Kibum let his forehead sink on his desk, hitting his head several times against it to let the pain occupy his mind, be it only for a second. They would be fine, it would be fine, he mumbled to himself in repetition. He tried to persuade himself that he would laugh about being so anxious about everything later on in his life, wondering how he could have made such a big deal out of something as natural as sex. As of now, this seemed like a distant future to him, but he wasn’t the first teenager to go through this rollercoaster ride of emotions, the pull and push of wanting to experience sex and being unreasonably afraid of actually having it.

 

It was past five am when he finally fell into bed, heart racing in his chest, eyes still open, staring up at the dark ceiling. He held his cell phone in hand, wanting to write Jonghyun a message, but wasn’t sure what to type, the screen still empty, the brightness of it almost mockingly staring back at him. Was Jonghyun going through the same thing? It seemed an absurd idea to Kibum for someone as open and straightforward as Jonghyun was to experience a level of anxiety that made Kibum feel like he was slowly drowning in a well, desperately trying to cling to the walls around him, but eventually having to let go of them due to exhaustion.

 

Maybe wanting to plan it had been a bad idea after all? Maybe mentally preparing for it made things only worse than better? Maybe spontaneity was the key after all? If it were to happen spontaneously he wouldn’t have time to worry to the extent he did, wouldn’t be able to imagine hell on earth, fires slowly burning him alive.

 

*****

 

_‘How to relax before one’s first time’, ‘How to prepare for gay sex’, ‘Things that could go wrong during gay sex’, ‘What should I take care of before bottoming for the first time?’, ‘Does bottoming hurt?’, ‘How can I lessen discomfort during bottoming?’, ‘What to do if one’s first time doesn’t go as planned?’_

 

Kibum had spent the past two hours on Google, searching for answers to his concerns in Korean as well as in English, browsing through pages, skipping over dozens of sex ads, and reading personal stories of guys from all around the world. He wasn’t even entirely sure whether their experiences helped him in any way or if their stories were even real or just made up for entertainment purposes. Some guys told about their first time happening in the shower room after football practice, some said it was in the back of a car or on the bed of a friend during a party. Most of the stories seemed so unemotional and loveless as if the guys didn’t really care about where, when or with whom their first time happened.

 

How could anyone in their right mind want to have their first time in the back of a car? This seemed like an absolute nightmare scenario to Kibum. With his chin probed up he continued to type in questions, not really finding any answers that satisfied his curiosity nor soothed the anxiety in the pit of his stomach. All he understood from his research were things he already knew, bottoming did feel uncomfortable at first, but one would get used to it eventually. Also, people who bottomed shouldn’t expect too much during their first time doing it, but try it several times before concluding a proper judgment.

 

However, in the end every article said the same and stated that it was different for everyone and that everyone experienced sex differently, so providing a guide that worked for everyone was an impossible task. With an exasperated sigh, he moved on to more practical pages, telling him how to wash up properly before engaging in sex, and what might help to relax his muscles. It felt like studying for a test in school, and he only waited for a teacher to show up in his room, asking him about possible consequences that the misuse of a condom could entail.

 

Lost in the world of safer sex he was startled when the ringtone of his cell phone went off, the room dark around him, making him look like a hacker trying to decode government secrets. He picked up the phone when he saw Jonghyun’s nickname displayed on the screen, a cute greeting sent his way after he said ‘Hi’.

 

“I just wanted to check how you are doing. You’ve been so short-spoken in your messages the past two days. Is everything alright?” Jonghyun barged right in, Kibum staring at his desktop, an ad of two very muscular Caucasian men doing it against a kitchen counter, red, bold blinking lettering telling Kibum to press on the advertisement to see more of them.

 

“Yeah, all is good. I’ve…I’ve just been a little busy,” he lied, almost hypnotized by the movements of hips on the screen, the same action repeated over and over again until Kibum swallowed and closed the window, the photo of a chubby tomcat lazing around with a pair of sunglasses sitting on its tiny nose appearing as his computer background.

 

“Cold feet?”

 

Kibum pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned back against his swivel chair, his knee starting to bob up and down again, a sigh falling from his lips.

 

“Maybe a bit,” Kibum answered eventually, not wanting to admit that he was scared shitless and thought that his idea of planning everything ahead had been a very bad one.

 

“Maybe a bit,” Jonghyun repeated on the other line in a soft tone, sounding slightly amused. “It will be fine, don’t pressure yourself so much. It doesn’t need to happen tomorrow, you know. We just go there, if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t…Then we just watch TV and eat something. That’s completely fine as well.”

 

Even though everything that Jonghyun said made total sense, Kibum couldn’t help but notice a slight demur in his voice, a low vibrating sound at the end of every syllable that usually wasn’t there.

 

“Are you scared?” Kibum asked after their conversation had paused for a moment, his fingers pulling at the fabric of his gray sweatpants. There was another pause and he could hear the other one take a deep breath, the sound so prominent that it felt like Jonghyun was breathing right into his ear.

 

“No, not scared, just nervous I guess. I don’t even know why? It will be fine, I’m sure of it,” came the gentle answer, Kibum automatically starting to nod along to every word.

 

“Yeah, it will be fine,” he agreed just as quietly and got up to walk over to his window, the street in front of their apartment empty.

 

“I love you, you know.”

 

The sudden declaration made Kibum smile, and he watched how a cat trotted along the asphalt in the light of a streetlamp before it quickly disappeared into the shadows again.

 

“I love you, too,” Kibum answered sincerely, hearing a small laugh on the other side of the line.

 

“We’re so cheesy. Nobody should ever hear us talk like this, they would only start cringing.”

 

The comment made both laugh, and Kibum bit his bottom lip after a while, his free hand tapping on the windowsill.

 

“I wish you would be here right now,” he admitted shyly, turning from left to right on the balls of his feet.

 

“I would like that really much as well. But we see each other tomorrow, right? Just a few more hours to go.”

 

Kibum nodded to himself once again, nibbling on a piece of dry skin on his lip, fingertips pressing down on the wooden sill in front of him until he felt a painful strain in his fingers. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted time to pass quickly until the next day or if he wanted time to drag on so he had more time to think of other possible gruesome scenarios. It felt as if he had to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

“Right, just a few more hours to go,” he sighed eventually, closing his eyes. “We’ll meet up at Jongno 3-ga, right?” Kibum assured himself, realizing he still had to check the subway times so he would arrive on time.

 

“Yeah, the one for the purple line right in front of Uniqlo. I thought we could grab some take away beforehand and then see where our feet will take us. I already looked up some love hotels and found one I quite liked. No reservation needed, the price seems reasonable, and the rooms look nice in the photos. So maybe we can check there first,” Jonghyun explained as if he was talking about a field trip, Kibum’s heart suddenly starting to thump harder in his chest.

 

“No stained sheets, old yellowed wallpapers with flower patterns, and a weird smell all over the room?”

 

There was a laugh on the other line, the other’s reaction making Kibum’s cheeks flush in embarrassment.

 

“Don’t worry, Kibum. This is not some sleazy Korean love hotel from the late 80’s. You can check it out if you want. They have a website. Give me a second, I’ll send you the link via MSN. The rooms are differently themed, and the reviews said that the cleanliness there is very good. So, hopefully there won’t be stained sheets and yellowed wallpapers with flower patterns.”

 

Another nod and shortly after Kibum heard a bing coming from his computer, a quick look showing him that a small window had popped up in the bottom, right corner of his laptop. Going back to his desk he slumped down into the swivel chair, opening the link Jonghyun had just sent him, an image heavy website building up in front of his eyes.

 

“Did you get the link?” Jonghyun asked when Kibum didn’t say anything for a while, his fingers too busy with clicking through a gallery of pictures that showcased all the rooms. There was really nothing sleazy about them.

 

“Yeah, I’m just browsing through their gallery. Everything looks so nice and stylish,” he noticed, head slowly tilting to one side.

 

“Told you so. They even have two PCs in some rooms. So we could also have a LAN party instead”, Jonghyun quipped, conjuring up a smile on Kibum’s lips. Having the opportunity to escape into another reality in case things turned awkward was oddly relieving for some reason, and Kibum continued to skip through the photos, impressed by all the details put into each room.

 

“And bathtubs,” he noted in surprise, the Jacuzzis looking quite misplaced right next to a bed. Do people actually have sex in those?

 

“Yes. Want to get a room with one?” The tone of Jonghyun’s voice sounded mildly teasing and Kibum only smiled to himself, taking a look at the directions to the love hotel.

 

“Maybe another time. A Jacuzzi seems a little too raunchy for now,” Kibum admitted thoughtfully, interpreting the hum he received in return as some form of agreement.

 

Both of them fell silent after that, and Kibum wasn’t sure what to say as the awkward silence dragged on, too occupied with thoughts about tomorrow. Usually, it was Jonghyun who took the helm in such situations by saying something funny, but he stayed silent for once, making Kibum wonder whether he had his own worries about their meet up on Christmas Eve.

 

Another bing resounding from his speakers startled Kibum momentarily and he checked his screen to see that Jonghyun had sent him yet another link, the address leading to a Youtube video after he had clicked on it. It was a compilation of clumsy baby animals, consisting of puppies tumbling down staircases or falling into pools, elephants trying to play with gigantic plastic balls and failing cutely at it, baby giraffes trying to walk for the first time, and kittens climbing over everything and nothing only to lose their balance midway, everything underlined with a comedic melody he had heard before in comedy sketches.

 

“Cute, right?” Jonghyun asked when Kibum started to laugh, clasping his hand in front of his mouth when he saw an elephant trying to get into a wading pool but landing head first into it when it stumbled over its edge.

 

“I feel bad for laughing, but it’s so funny and adorable,” he chuckled, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as a little kitten showed up on the screen which tried to get to the bottom of a plastic cup, its head getting stuck in the process.

 

“I thought you would like this video. I could watch this stuff all day.”

 

“It’s hilarious, thank you.”

 

Kibum was still giggling after the five-minute video had ended, and was tempted to click on the recommendations to his right, but resisted when Jonghyun called for his attention.

 

“Tomorrow will be great, don’t worry about it too much, okay?”

 

The interjection came so sudden that Kibum was baffled at first, his chuckle dying down as he licked his lips. He wondered whether Jonghyun wanted to calm him or himself with this statement, his sweaty hand rubbing over his thigh.

 

“I won’t. I promise.”

 

******

 

 

Kibum felt like a pack mule, heavy backpack sitting on his shoulders, his clothes for church wrapped up in a navy blue suit bag draped over his left arm, and a bouquet of pink and white flowers in his right hand. He couldn’t even reach for his phone in his coat pocket to check the time as he stood close to a shopping window in front of Uniqlo the next day to not stand in people’s ways, shivering from the cold, his eyes fixed on the stairs leading to the subway station.

 

‘Last Christmas’ was blaring from the shop, and a thin layer of snow covered the sidewalk, which Kibum smeared around as he moved his weight from one foot to the other, his bottom lip trembling. He snuffled continuously as he hoped for Jonghyun to finally show up, the cold creeping into his clothes, the thought passing him that it had been a bad decision to choose fashion over comfort. Kibum had put on a baby blue polka dotted dress shirt with short sleeves, because he had liked how he looked in it, but unfortunately neither his coat nor the shirt helped him to keep warm in any way.

 

After ‘Last Christmas’ the shop started to play ‘All I want for Christmas’ by Mariah Carey and in his mind Kibum changed the lyrics to fit Jonghyun as he lowly hummed along to the song, shaking his fringe to the side, bobbing up and down to the rhythm on the balls of his feet. Whenever a subway arrived a flow of people climbed up the stairs, and every single time Kibum got up on the tip of his toes and craned his head to look out for Jonghyun, disappointment settling in his stomach when his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

 

For a second his stomach cramped as he feared that he might have been stood up, but he pushed these negative thoughts away, trying to be reasonable for once and not think of the worst thing that could possibly happen.

 

Jonghyun wasn’t like that.

 

Two songs and a half later Kibum was finally able to catch a glimpse of his boyfriend in the crowd, the other wearing a red beanie that he had pulled deep into his face, only the tips of his fringe peeking out. Smiling stupidly Kibum felt his heart rate increase, his bobbing intensifying as Jonghyun lifted his head to make him out in the crowd.

 

The older returned the smile when he found him immediately, and fought his way through the people, continuously apologizing on his way while holding up a bouquet of yellow flowers. Kibum instantly started to laugh when he discovered the flowers, their presence probably originating from the same tradition of gift giving as the bouquet in his hand.

 

“For my mom?” he asked right away without even saying hello, the grin on Jonghyun’s face widening.

 

“Yeah, are those for mine?”

 

Jonghyun pointed at the flowers in Kibum’s hand, both of them chuckling when the younger one nodded. Jonghyun looked cute all wrapped up in thick winter clothes which seemed to be more appropriate for the current temperatures than Kibum’s were, a thick black scarf wrapped around his neck.

 

“Did you get my message? I’m sorry that you had to wait, but I missed the subway I actually wanted to take because I was still packing my stuff.” Jonghyun looked apologetically, the tip of his nose already turning reddish from the cold. A little helplessly Kibum raised both his arms, trying to demonstrate that he was incapable of doing anything with his hands right now.

 

“I couldn’t check my phone. But it’s okay. I didn’t have to wait for that long,” he tried to reassure the other, Jonghyun looking at him a little pitifully.

 

“Do you want me to take anything? You really brought your suit along, huh?” Jonghyun quipped, reaching out his hand to take the garment bag from Kibum who only shook his head and told him that he was okay with carrying it around.

 

“Yeah, I have to leave around nine, so I’ll be there on time for the morning mess. It’s important to my mom, you know,” Kibum explained, both of them starting to walk without having a specific destination in mind yet.

 

“So, we need to set an alarm?”

 

Jonghyun pulled a face, turning left when they reached a nearby crossing. Kibum wondered how many of these people ran around to do some last minute shopping, grabbing things from the shelves for their beloved ones without giving it a second thought. More than once Kibum had to dodge to avoid a collision, no one paying him or the bag in his arms any attention because everyone just tried to find the quickest way to the next store.

 

“How about some Japanese food for dinner? I’m really craving yakisoba for some reason,” Jonghyun asked him as they walked into a street that was less busy, the sidewalk narrower, and one restaurant after the other neatly lined up like pearls on a necklace.

 

“I don’t really care as long as it’s something warm because otherwise, I’m afraid that I’m going to freeze to death anytime soon,” Kibum muttered dramatically, the cold making him feel a little cranky. He just wanted to get inside somewhere and warm up.

 

“’Kay, let’s see. If I remember correctly there should be a Japanese restaurant down the road and then to the left. It might take us five minutes. You think you can manage?”

 

There was a small pout forming on Kibum’s lips, the thought of spending more time outside not really suiting him. But since he didn’t want to start this night with any bad vibes he agreed in the end, following the other down the street in silence.

 

Their trip to the Japanese restaurant was a quick one, Jonghyun ordering yakisoba, Japanese curry, tempura, and some takoyaki as take away after both of them had studied the menu written on a big board behind the counter. The waiting time was relatively short but long enough for Kibum to warm up a little, his feet slowly defrosting after they had sat down at a table close to the counter.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

Kibum knew that the question wasn’t solely about them leaving the restaurant again after Jonghyun had taken their bag filled with plastic containers, but was also stated in regards to the next hours that were to come.

 

“Yeah,” he only said, nibbling on his bottom lip as he exited the restaurant after Jonghyun. It was windy outside and to his discontent, the hair he had so carefully styled earlier that day flew around, the cold biting at his skin. Burying his nose deeper into his scarf, he didn’t say anything as Jonghyun guided them through the streets. It was partially due to nerves, his eyes shyly darting to his boyfriend next to him every now and then, wondering how the night would proceed, and wondering if everything would go as planned.

 

“Your silence is making me nervous.”

 

There was a little stifled laugh, Jonghyun’s eyes crinkling at the corners as he looked at Kibum who bowed his head in apology, and lifted his hand slightly to prevent the suit bag from falling off his arm.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just cold.”

 

“Yeah, I’m slowly starting to feel cold as well, but it should be around this corner over there,” Jonghyun explained, pointing down the road where lots of excessive neon signs paved the way for partygoers and night owls. Kibum gulped when he discovered the logo of the love hotel Jonghyun had picked out the other day two minutes later, the bold letters lightening up in a fluorescent white.

 

“That’s it,” Jonghyun confirmed, Kibum instinctively ducking his head when a couple passed them. It felt like they were about to do something illegal, something that no one should catch them doing, an unnerving bell sound ringing in the back of his mind. With determination in his eyes, Jonghyun walked over to the inviting looking entrance, wood panels running around the exterior, partly covered by gray lacquered, asymmetrical cut-out wood panels. Soft pink light shone through from behind, Kibum fascinated by the quality the building had just by looking at it from outside.

 

A wall of warmth welcomed them when the automatic milk glass doors opened in front of them, Kibum making sure to not make any eye contact with the male receptionist out of embarrassment who greeted them as soon as they stepped inside the lobby. It was a spacious place, everything kept in white including the stone flooring, the only spots of color being several plants and the name of the hotel written in black letters on the front desk.

 

“We’re looking for a room for two.”

 

Jonghyun sounded confident as he stepped in front of the desk, flowers, and food still in his hands, the receptionist sending him the typical smile of people who worked at hotels and were trained to treat every customer with the utmost respect no matter their age or status. A quick look at the nameplate on his chest told Kibum that they currently spoke to Min Jinwoo, a tall man with a buzz cut who looked in his mid-twenties. Jonghyun and Kibum probably looked like a funny pair of teenagers to him, packed with flowers, food, and suit bags, but whatever the receptionists thoughts were, he didn’t express them, his smile unwavering as he grabbed a pamphlet and presented it to Jonghyun, displayed on it all types of rooms they had to offer, including their prices. After giving a very brief explanation to the specifics of the different types, the man looked back and forth between Kibum and Jonghyun, the later one studying the pamphlet with curiosity while Kibum tried to look anywhere but there, his fingers digging into the suit bag out of nervousness. He feared that the suit his mom had ironed in the morning would be wrinkly when he unpacked it, but despite that knowledge, he couldn’t relax.

 

“Which one should we take?”

 

Jonghyun’s voice startled Kibum and he looked at him like a deer in headlights, eyes blinking rapidly.

 

“Uhm…you can choose. I’m…I’m fine with everything,” he mumbled quickly into his scarf, hoping that the receptionist couldn’t see how he was dying on the inside. Was he often faced by awkward teenagers who wanted to spend some alone time here? The answer was probably yes, but that thought didn’t make Kibum feel in any way better.

 

“Okay, then we’ll take number 4.”

 

Before Kibum could sneak a peek at the type of room Jonghyun had chosen Min Jinwoo had taken the pamphlet back with a nod and had turned to face a white computer to his right.

 

“This will make 50000 Won for one night then, sir. 10000 Won will be used as a deposit for the keycard and you will get it back when you check-out. So it’s 60000 Won in total,” he said after clicking the mouse next to him on the desk several times, Jonghyun placing the bouquet of flowers, and their takeaway food on the shiny, white surface of the desk to reach for the wallet in his back pocket. Kibum would have chipped in if it hadn’t been for him carrying way too much for comfort, but he made a mental note to pay Jonghyun back later.

 

“Thank you, sir. Then I only need your names before I can give you your keycard,” the tall man asked after Jonghyun handed him six green 10000 Won bills, Sejong the great looking back at them with a stern expression which told Kibum that he knew exactly what he was used to pay for.

 

“You don’t need some sort of identification?” Jonghyun asked in surprise, Kibum looking up from the bills that disappeared behind the desk.

 

“No, sir. We value our customers’ privacy,” came the eloquent answer, and Kibum wondered if the receptionist never grew tired of constantly smiling.

 

“I see….then…uhm…Choi Minsik and…uhm Gong Jichul,” Jonghyun said at last after hesitating for a moment, Kibum noticing the tiniest twitch of amusement flashing over the receptionist’s face as he typed in the names, and pulled out a card from beneath the desk. He had to admit Jonghyun’s choice of fake names hadn’t been the most original one.

 

“Okay, Mr. Choi and Mr. Gong. Your room will be number 302 on the third floor to the left. Check-out is before 12 pm. If you need anything you can always use the phone in your room to call the reception. There is an elevator down that corridor. I hope you will enjoy your stay here.”

 

It sounded like a memorized sequence of sentences, the receptionist handing Jonghyun a purple keycard before he pointed to his left. Jonghyun thanked him with a smile while Kibum merely nodded, the older one of the two putting the keycard into the pocket of his jacket before picking up his flowers and their food.

 

“Choi Minsik and Gong Jichul? Why did you choose these two actors?” he asked as they stepped into the small elevator, its size barely fitting four very slim people at a time.

 

“No special reason. I just like the movie Old Boy and Gong Yoo is kind of hot. I always wanted to use a fake name. I’m feeling like a celebrity now,” Jonghyun grinned as he tried to press the button to the third floor with his elbow, accidentally hitting 2 and 4 as well.

 

“Fair enough, Mr. Choi Minsik,” Kibum snickered, kind of liking the idea of fake celebrity identities.

 

As they exited the elevator on the third floor Kibum felt his heart beat up to his chest. The corridor was silent as they walked through it in search of their room, the numbers of every room displayed in purple on a white piece of plastic nailed to the top of every door frame.

 

“302…That’s ours.”

 

Jonghyun suddenly halted in his steps, Kibum almost bumping into him as he had concentrated on the design of the interior and not the room numbers. Pushing the flower bouquet into the crook of his arm, Jonghyun fished for the keycard in his jacket, the door making a beeping sound before a green light blinked up and a soft click could be heard.

 

A whiff of lavender pierced Kibum’s nose after Jonghyun had opened the door, and he curiously glanced inside when Jonghyun stepped into the room and put the keycard into a slot next to the door which turned on the light. The room wasn’t as big as Kibum had imagined it to be, the bed taking most of its space, with a white desk standing next to a red painted wall, a single computer way more modern than the one Kibum had at home, placed onto it.

 

Without having any reservations Jonghyun put the food bag and his flowers onto the desk before he took off his scarf and beanie, throwing both items over the backrest of the red painted wooden chair in front of the computer. Kibum had more doubts, realizing that there was no way of turning back if he entered the room.

 

“Why are you standing in the doorway?” Jonghyun asked inquiringly while he unbuttoned his coat and took off his shoes to place them next to the entrance. He wore a brown soft looking cardigan which reached down to his upper thighs, and a simple white tight-fitting T-shirt underneath. Kibum wondered whether Jonghyun had spent as much time thinking about his outfit as Kibum had or if he had grabbed the first best thing in his wardrobe.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe because I’m being childish?” Kibum replied after a moment, passively watching how his boyfriend took the suit bag and the flowers from him.

 

“Relax, Kibum. We’re just going to eat now, okay? I’m starving.”

 

Jonghyun smiled at him as he hung up the suit bag on a hook near the door and put the flowers next to his own on the desk. He came up to Kibum afterwards to take both his hands and pull him inside, kicking the door shut behind them with his foot. When Kibum heard the door click into its lock he flinched at first, his heart making a little jump, and his eyes nervously darting to the door that was closed now.

 

“We didn’t even greet each other properly yet.”

 

Kibum felt how Jonghyun tugged slightly at his hands, and when he turned back again he saw a small pout on the other’s lips. He imitated the expression for a moment, smiling when the older one started to chuckle and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

 

“You are cold,” Jonghyun declared as soon as he pulled away again, scrunching up his nose. But only a second later he leaned forward once again to give him another kiss. His lips were cold as well, and so was his nose as it touched against his own for a second.

 

“We should start eating before our food gets cold,” Kibum murmured against Jonghyun’s lips as he felt how the other tried to deepen the kiss, the heart in his chest still beating too frantically to concentrate on kissing right now.

 

“There is a microwave over there.”

 

Jonghyun pointed with his head towards the side, Kibum turning around to see a white microwave sitting on a small dresser, a water kettle, a set of two cups, plates, and glasses placed right next to it. Everything seemed to come in pairs, starting from the red slippers at the entrance, to the set of red pajamas sitting neatly folded on the perfectly made bed, the white sheets not even displaying the tiniest of wrinkles. There was really nothing that reminded Kibum of the stereotypical, sleazy love hotels in movies. It looked more like a normal hotel room with the only difference that the shower wasn’t separated by a wall but by a simple glass panel. The glass reached from the bottom to the ceiling, only a small strip of milk glass on hip level securing the guest’s modesty.

 

“Everything is very open here,” Kibum mentioned en passant as he peeled off the layers of clothes he had wrapped himself in, and draped them on top of Jonghyun’s, his hands straightening out his cute button-down while Jonghyun had gone over to the desk to free their food from the plastic wrapping.

 

“I think it’s cool.”

 

Jonghyun’s remark almost got lost in the unnerving sound of crackling plastic bags, their food soon finding their way onto plates and then into the microwave. In the meantime Kibum slipped in his pair of slippers, cautiously walking around the room to get used to the unfamiliar surroundings. He found the toilet hidden behind a door next to the shower, eyes wandering along the tiled room, the hotel even offering packed toothbrushes, toothpaste, razors, and all kinds of care products. A lavender shower gel almost slipped from his fingers when Jonghyun suddenly slung his arms around him from behind and placed his head on his shoulder, curiously looking at the body wash in his hands.

 

“Do you like lavender?” he asked with interest, Kibum feeling his cold limbs heat up wherever his body came in contact with Jonghyun’s.

 

He nodded in response and nibbled on his lip before placing the bottle back on the rack next to the shower.

 

“I do, but I also love pine needles and sandalwood. Natural scents I guess.”

 

Kibum turned in the other’s arms, which caused Jonghyun to automatically straighten up a bit, chin lifting so their height difference appeared less.

 

“How about you?”

 

“I like yours,” Jonghyun grinned brightly, turning around with a cheeky grin before Kibum even had the time to respond to his comment when he heard the beeping sound of the microwave.

 

“That was lame,” Kibum murmured nonetheless after a second of collecting himself again, and followed the other back into the room where Jonghyun carefully pulled the plate out of the microwave, swearing under his breath when he realized that the porcelain was hot.

 

“I’m glad you finally realized what a lame person I am,” Jonghyun murmured under his breath and blew his fingertips with a pout before he pulled the sleeves of his cardigan over his hands to try his luck again. This time he didn’t swear, and exchanged the heated plate for the still cold one, staring absentmindedly at the rotating plate, the ventilation of the electric appliance droning almost unnervingly.

 

To Kibum it felt weird how Jonghyun focused all his energy on the simple task of heating up their food when all he had on his mind was how this neatly made bed would serve as the place where his whole world would most likely be turned upside down in foreseeable future. His mind played tricks on him as his eyes wandered over his bedsheets, showing him the bed with Jonghyun and him on it, naked and sweating.

 

“I’m so hungry. I haven’t eaten anything all day.”

 

Kibum gulped and turned his head away from the bed, palms sweaty, and his head throbbing.

 

“Yeah, me too,” he stammered to say anything at all, not daring to look back at the bed. His mind was slowly driving him mad.

 

The yakisoba smelled delightful when Jonghyun finally pulled it out of the microwave, the older one looking around the room with the plate in his hands.

 

“Where should we eat? On the bed?” He suggested, pointing at the most prominent object in the room with the plate in his hands.

 

“Yeah, why not.”

 

It was awkwardly silent as the two of them sat on the bed with their legs crossed, the plates and containers standing between them, Jonghyun stuffing his face with yakisoba as if he hadn’t eaten anything in days. Meanwhile, Kibum picked up a piece of takoyaki with a toothpick and bit into it, the savory taste of the batter mixing with the mayonnaise, sauce, and bonito flakes the ball was covered in. He didn’t really know where to look or what to say to break the awkwardness and therefore decided to reach for the remote control lying on one of the nightstands to turn on the TV and create some form of background noise, cheeks heating up when the first program he stumbled upon was an American soft porn which looked like it had been filmed in the early 90’s, a woman with brown curly hair and heavy makeup coming into view who touched her big breasts and moaned loudly, her eyes looking straight into the camera.

 

He changed the channel before Jonghyun had even the chance to see what was displayed on the TV, and a group of boys around their age all dressed very similar dancing to a very complicated looking choreography appeared next on the screen, singing along to a song Kibum had heard in a shopping mall before.

 

“Can you dance?”

 

Jonghyun asked after they had watched the performance for about a minute, his eyes curiously looking at Kibum, cheeks filled with noodles.

 

“A bit…not like that though,” he commented, munching on the last piece of his takoyaki ball.

 

“Mmh…I can’t dance to save my life. I have two left feet.”

 

There was a cheeky grin on Jonghyun’s lips as he wiped away a bit of Worcestershire sauce from his lips and then reached forward to grab a takoyaki ball.

 

“Hard to imagine considering you have music running through your veins,” Kibum pointed out, and picked up some noodles with vegetables from Jonghyun’s plate.

 

“Just because I have rhythm doesn’t mean I know how to move my body accordingly”, he explained, shoulders lifting up in delight as he took the first bite of the savory snack in his hand.

 

Another hum from Kibum’s side heralded the end of their conversation before it had even started. There was an unfamiliar pressure in his chest, making it harder for him to breath, and despite the food tasting incredibly good, he had no appetite, putting his chopsticks down after just a few small bites. It’s all in your head, Kibum tried to tell himself, you are overreacting, stop behaving like a child on its first day of school, he repeated over and over again, his heart skipping a beat whenever his eyes fell onto Jonghyun’s crotch, presented so openly to him as the other sat there on the bed, cross-legged, in his baggy pants, oblivious to anything Kibum was thinking.

 

He wasn’t sure whether Jonghyun noticed that he was behaving even more peculiar than he usually did, but if he detected anything he hid it well, shuffling food into his mouth as if he was holding a shovel in his hand, eyes focused on the TV hanging on the wall.

 

This was not how it went in the movies; no candlelight, no cheesy music, no champagne and grapes, no animalistic get together that consisted of ripping each other’s clothes off in an attempt to see and feel each other up as quickly as possible, driven by lust and what people in movies usually called passion. There was no passion nor lust, just two teenagers who sat together on a mattress with food in between them, watching music shows in absolute silence.

 

The silence felt overwhelming, and Kibum tried to think of something to say, a topic they could talk about, something lighthearted to break the wall of ice he was slowly building up around him. But no matter what his initial thoughts had been, his mind instantly led him back to images of him and Jonghyun having sex, his ears turning red.

 

He had no idea how much time had passed until the plate with yakisoba and curry were empty, and Jonghyun had got up to place the empty plates on the table, but as soon as the older one had stood up, Kibum felt his lungs take in long, deep gulps of air.

 

“I want to test the shower here. Want to join?”

 

Jonghyun’s eyes looked kind and honest as if he really just wanted Kibum to shower with him, but Kibum shook his head ‘No’ instantly, not even giving himself the time to think about any other possible answer. Jonghyun seemed disappointed for a second, noticeable in the way the usual prominent sparkle in his eyes disappeared, but then he smiled and nodded, coming over to the bed to reach for one of the pajamas lying at the foot of the mattress.

 

“Okay, but don’t you dare to take a peek,” he winked at Kibum, and walked over to the open bathroom, already taking off his cardigan along the way, tossing it carelessly to the side. Kibum did take a peek for obvious reasons, more than once if he was honest with himself. He watched Jonghyun undress who acted like the superhero Flash, taking his clothes off as quickly as humanly possible and flinging them around to all sides, his small butt jutting out from behind the glass wall as he leaned forward to turn on the shower.  

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to join me?”

 

Jonghyun looked passed the glass panel, only his private parts concealed by the milky strip running horizontally along the wall as his hands stretched out to test out the temperature of the water.

 

“I take a shower later,” Kibum assured, and skidded to the head of the bed to lie down against the soft pillows. It was like watching real life TV as he followed Jonghyun’s every move, his wet dreams coming alive in front of him. The steaming water prattled down onto Jonghyun’s head, strands of hair covering his eyes, which he rigorously stroked back with his hands, tilting his head to let the water run down his throat and chest.

 

Kibum crossed his legs as he felt a twitch in his nether regions, eyes focusing on the other’s feet for a moment to give his body a chance to make his blood flow back to his head. It seemed like his penis knew exactly what was planned for the night, what was bound to happen as if it wanted to urge Kibum on to not be a wuss and stand his manhood – whatever this manhood was supposed to be.

 

“Should I use the lavender body wash?”

 

The question pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked back up, the other holding one of the purple bottles in his hand, showing it to Kibum through the glass.

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

Kibum wasn’t entirely sure why he didn’t feel like talking much tonight, but the smile Jonghyun sent his way made him feel bad for being so uncommunicative. Maybe giving Jonghyun his present after he was done showering would give them something to talk about, but suddenly he felt embarrassed for the fairytale he had created. What was an almost nineteen-year old supposed to do with a book that was basically written for children? Gnawing on his lips, he looked over to his bag and contemplated over what he was supposed to do. Eventually, he decided to get up and take the neatly wrapped up sketchbook out of his bag because he had spent too much time and effort on drawing it as to let it go to waste due to him having another episode of not feeling good enough.

 

He let his fingers run over the green, matt paper and corrected the fit of the red ribbon he had neatly tied around it to make it look like one of the gifts one could see in Christmas stock photos. The wrapping looked pretty, he just hoped that Jonghyun would find the contents pretty as well.

 

The sound of the running shower had stopped by the time he turned around to walk back to the bed, and soon he saw Jonghyun’s arm reaching out for a white towel, which he quickly tied around his waist before he grabbed a second one to dry his hair with it.

 

“That was nice. Now I’m feeling all warm and cozy.”

 

Kibum sat down at the foot of the bed, and placed the gift next to him, quietly watching as Jonghyun toweled himself, chest covered in red splotches from the hot water.

 

“Those look really cute,” Jonghyun commented when he unfolded the pajamas he had carefully laid down next to the sink and slipped his arms through the long sleeves of the shirt. “And they are super soft,” he added while slowly buttoning up the fabric, eyes focused on his fingers.

 

“Red suits you,” Kibum remarked after Jonghyun had angled for his boxers on the floor to slip them back on, his feet stepping into the red pajama pants right afterwards.

 

“You think? I don’t know. I prefer black, I guess. But I really like these. They are super soft. Here touch it.”

 

With that, he came up to Kibum, towels, and clothes neglected and forgotten on the floor in the bathroom. He sat down next to the younger one and pulled one of the sleeves over his hand before stroking Kibum’s cheek with it. It seemed childish to let him feel the fabric like this, but Jonghyun’s enthusiasm beguiled him, so he nodded in affirmation, telling him that the pajamas felt indeed really soft.

 

“Is that for me?”

 

When Kibum followed Jonghyun’s gaze his eyes fell on the gift lying between them, and he picked it up, offering it to the other uncertainly.

 

“It’s nothing. Really. I – you know. I just wanted to give you something. So – Merry Christmas,” he murmured timidly, not quite sure what to say, feeling shy and awkward, cheeks heating up when Jonghyun beamed up at him like a kid in a toy store, taking the gift excitedly.

 

“Of course it’s something. It’s from you. Thank you.”

 

He smiled brightly as he gradually removed the sticky tape from the gift wrap and untied the ribbon, his brows furrowing for the blink of an eye when he unfolded the purple sketchbook. Kibum nibbled nervously on his bottom lip and rubbed his fingers against his pants out of nervousness, trying desperately to read his boyfriend’s mind.

 

“Jonghyunie’s und Kibumi’s journey to a land far, far from here,” Jonghyun read the title out loud, the bold letters all colored on thick paper in black and gold marker, cut out individually, and glued onto the cover. Beneath was a picture of comic versions of Jonghyun and Kibum, both standing on a raft with a green sail, joined by a small cat and a black dog.

 

“It’s a fairytale. I – I thought – because you sometimes have trouble falling asleep and – and it seemed to help when – you know – when I read you something – so I thought – I thought – well – that this might help,” Kibum babbled when Jonghyun didn’t say anything, hating his mouth for not following what his mind wanted to say, his left hand gesturing around in a desperate attempt to give his words more weight.

 

He became uneasy after another few moments of silence, cursing his childish mind for coming up with something like a stupid fairytale.

 

“It’s stupid. I’m sorry. Just forget about it,” he finally said and reached forward to take the book away again, but was not able to pull it away as Jonghyun held onto it with a firm grip.

 

“Don’t. It’s not stupid at all. It’s amazing, Kibum. I haven’t even opened it yet, and am already speechless because the artwork on the front looks so adorable and beautifully colored,” he reassured, the sparkle he had lost earlier now back in his eyes. He opened the book very carefully then, forefinger running over the first page, reading the text Kibum had neatly written at the top out loud.

 

“Is our ship going to sink? Are you going to rescue and kiss me?” he asked immediately in reference to the artwork on the cover, eyes wandering over the drawing at the bottom of the first page, seemingly taking his time to take in all the little details.

 

“I didn’t copy the storyline of ‘The little mermaid’,” Kibum replied, feeling a little more at ease now that he knew that Jonghyun didn’t think of his idea as childish.

 

“But will there be a kiss scene?” Jonghyun asked directly, the ridiculous question making Kibum laugh.

 

“I guess you have to read it to find out.”

 

“This is absolutely beautiful, Kibum. This must have taken you weeks to make.”

 

Jonghyun looked up at Kibum after he had checked a few more pages, Kibum shaking his head with a declining hand gesture.

 

“Just a few night shifts. It’s really nothing special.”

 

It had taken a lot of sleepless night for him to finish this project, but Jonghyun didn’t need to know about that. He didn’t want to appear as whiny or make it look like it had been a burden to craft this story. It was a gift, and it was supposed to make Jonghyun happy. That’s what mattered to Kibum.

 

“Kibum, you really need to stop putting yourself down all the time,” Jonghyun sighed deeply, putting the book aside to grab Kibum’s hand. “This book is amazing and so are you. So deal with it. I don’t want to hear anything else from your mouth anymore,” he warned with a stern face and a raised forefinger, grinning when the younger looked a little startled.

 

“Just kidding. I just wish you would show the world more of that,” he tapped against the sketchbook in his lap, “Showing the world more of how amazing you are,” Jonghyun said calmly, sending Kibum a cheery smile.

 

“Thanks so much – Really. I just feel really bad now, though.”

 

Kibum tilted his head in confusion, glancing at Jonghyun’s hand wrapped around his.

 

“Why?” Kibum asked eventually, following the older one with his eyes as he stood up from the bed.

 

“My Christmas gift looks like garbage in comparison. I’m just not as creative as you are. But you know, when I made it, I thought it might suit your style,” he explained cautiously while he trotted over to his backpack, kneeling down to unzip it.

 

“My style?”

 

Kibum’s interest was piqued.

 

“Yeah, something sentimental and personal,” Jonghyun looked over his shoulder with a grin before he pulled a flat package out of his bag, the green wrapping crinkled at the corners from being stuffed into a backpack.

 

“Everyone likes personal gifts,” Kibum defended himself with a pout, curiosity bubbling up inside his stomach. He didn’t expect Jonghyun to give him something for Christmas as it seemed not common in his family, therefore he was even more excited that the other had gotten out of his way to get him a gift. His feet tapped on the floor in eagerness, and he took the present with a ‘thank you’, wanting to rip it open right away, but deciding for the more mature variant of carefully removing the adhesive tape from the wrapping.

 

Beneath the paper Kibum found a sketchbook similar to the one he had used for Jonghyun, the only difference was that the color of the binding was black, the lines ‘We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love. ― Robert Fulghum’ neatly written in English on the cover. Jonghyun had used a silver pen for the quote, and Kibum could see in every letter that the other had tried really hard to write the words readable and as pretty as he could manage. Just seeing the effort he had put into trying to write tidily instead of messily like he usually did, put a smile on Kibum’s face.

 

“That’s a pretty quote,” he uttered with an infatuated smile, pensively running his thumb over the lines.

 

“I thought so, too. That’s why I chose it,” Jonghyun replied with a smug, inching a little closer until his thigh was almost touching Kibum’s. The younger one was surprised for a moment when Jonghyun leaned his head against his shoulder, but he started to enjoy the close proximity quickly, Jonghyun’s wet hair tickling his neck whenever he moved a little.

 

There was a photo of Jonghyun winking at him and showing a peace sign when he opened the scrapbook, earplugs in his ears, the clothes he was wearing in the photo looking oddly familiar. He had seen those clothes on Jonghyun before – but just once.

 

“You wore these when we first met outside of school,” he said after a moment of collecting his thoughts, Jonghyun humming against his shoulder before he pointed at the date written next to the photo.

 

“Because I took it that day. I took it right before I left the house,” he explained while Kibum started to scan the text written on the page in black pen, the writing looking more like Jonghyun’s usual handwriting, slightly clumsy and uneven. With every sentence he read he became more confused, tilting his head, and furrowing his brows.

 

‘ _Should I ask him if he’s gay? Is that rude? Maybe he gets scared? Can you just ask people if they are gay? Maybe I shouldn’t assume anything? Just because he looks rather fashionable for a high school boy doesn’t automatically make him gay. Is that presumptuous? But the way he’s always staring at me – like – that’s not how people look at me usually!? Or do they and I just don’t notice? Ah – What to do? What to do? Maybe I should flip a coin and depending on the result I will ask him if he’s gay or not? Maybe I shouldn’t ask him, and wait for him to tell me? Well if he is, that is. Maybe he comes up to me one day and says ‘Yo Jonghyun – by the way I’m gay.’ and I say equally casually ‘Cool bro.’ Is this how you are supposed to act? Since when do I use the word bro anyway? Who am I?’_

 

Kibum couldn’t suppress a smile at the word ‘bro’ Jonghyun had used, his head turning to take a better look at the boy sitting next to him.

 

“I wouldn’t have said ‘Yo Jonghyun’,” he remarked, the older one starting to chuckle into his shirt collar.

 

“I figured that out by now.”

 

“What is this?” Kibum asked then, continuing to flick through Jonghyun’s inner monologue. He was just as talkative in the talks he had with himself as he was in the talks he had with Kibum.

 

“Extracts from my diary that concern you. I thought since you are still doubting me at times, and I still struggle with expressing what’s going on in my head when it comes to feelings and all that jazz, I just show you. It makes me feel kind of vulnerable and naked that you will know all that stuff about me after reading these entries, but maybe this will help you, me – us to grow. So, yeah. It’s not just diary entries though. There are other things inside as well,” Jonghyun described the contents of his gift, Kibum feeling like he had to treasure the book and keep it close to his chest with every new word that left Jonghyun’s mouth. Not in his wildest dream he would have thought that Jonghyun would ever openly bare his soul to him like that.

 

“I will take good care of it,” he promised, stroking the first page with the palms of his hands. “I didn’t know you have a diary.”

 

“That’s the thing about diaries. You don’t talk about them. Since they are something very private and personal. I write diaries ever since I was a child. Back then my mom made me write about my day every evening, so I learned how to spell words properly since I had some struggle with that in elementary school, but at some point, it became some sort of habit, and even though I didn’t have to write entries anymore, I continued doing so. It helped me to collect my thoughts in a way and reflect on my own doing. Have you ever written one?”

 

Kibum turned the page over, the photo of them in front of the big dragon statue near the Han River glued to the middle of the paper, scribbles of flowers, and cute looking ice cream cones clustered all around it.

 

“I have when I was younger. But I gave up on it two years ago or so. I couldn’t bring myself to write regularly in it,” Kibum confessed, looking at the next page.

 

‘ _He’s gay. Ha! I was right. What do I win? The lottery? Some fancy price? A Lamborghini? That would be cool! Just watch me drive around on the streets of Seoul in some white, shining Lambo. Damn, that would be cool, wouldn’t it? Sorry, I got carried away. Anyway, I may or may not have made a big mistake by going like a bull at a gate, and ask Kibum straightaway if he liked boys. Probably not my brightest moment, but he’s still alive, and no one was harmed. I think. He looked like he was about to suffocate from embarrassment for a second, though.  I felt really bad for him. Note to self: Don’t ask people if they are gay. It’s not important anyway. I mean – why should I care about his sexuality? Ha! I mean, he’s cute and all. But – yeah – let’s leave it like that – maybe – or not? I should probably leave this question for another time. Kibum’s a cool guy. I mean cool in a very unconventional way. It was fun talking to him about the most random stuff. He’s more interesting than he seems at first glance. Would be nice to have a new friend. I mean – a friend I could hang around with and talk about stupid stuff. I don’t know why I stopped doing that. I mean hanging out with people. I just – kinda pulled out of everything? Isolation seemed like a good idea to me I guess. I wonder when I stopped caring about so little. What am I even doing here?’_

 

“The ending is dark,” Kibum commented, feeling the need to hug the Jonghyun from back then. Had he been so busy with drowning in his own misery that he had never noticed that the other wasn’t as fine as he always appeared to be on the surface? How good was the other at hiding things?

 

“Well, life is dark. It’s okay. Sometimes I just have these episodes where I write stuff very negatively. Maybe you should skip to a lighter entry,” Jonghyun interjected, turning the next few pages for Kibum without giving him time to say anything. Kibum only briefly saw other photos that stuck to the pages, and he was sure he had caught a glimpse of a side filled with musical scores. He had to skip back to these pages later on.

 

“Here, read this one. You might like that one – or maybe you find it creepy as hell. That’s up to you I guess. I wrote that after I slept at your place.”

 

_‘I didn’t know I was still able to feel like this. I thought I was dead on the inside, but just looking at him makes me smile stupidly. There is this cozy feeling of warmth spreading inside of me whenever our hands brush or our knees touch. Holding him felt so nice, and he smells so good. God, he smells soooooo good. I want to know what it is, so I can buy it, and spray it around in my room, so his scent is always with me. It would be creepy if I just asked him what it is, right? I don’t want to be a creepy boyfriend. Those last two words made me smile stupidly down at the paper again. I’m such a sap….when did I become so sappy??? It’s disgusting. :’D Am I actually in love with him? Wow – I never actually thought about it, but writing it down, and reading it again – I might actually be in love with him. What a revelation! Should I celebrate it? Should I tell him? It’s too early for that, isn’t it? Don’t want to creep him out. But like…he just genuinely makes me happy. Being with him does…_

_On another note; I actually fell asleep at Kibum’s house. I still can’t believe it. You know what big deal that is for me. He just talked me to sleep, and not because his voice is boring. I mean this in the nicest way possible. His voice is so gentle and calm when he reads things out loud. He made me fall asleep with a fairytale. I mean – Hello?! Magic? Harry Potter who? Kim Kibum doesn’t need a wand, he has his voice to do all the magic. Wow…that was lame…damn that was sleazy even for me. It’s still the truth though. Oh apropos wand. Watch out for the transition of the century *drum roll* I might have made Kibum quite uncomfortable by touching his wand in the morning if you know what I mean. I didn’t think much of it in all honesty. I just wanted to help a boy out, and okay…I was curious as heck as to how he feels. If it’s different to me…I mean I’ve never had another guy’s dick in my hand. So I guess you can understand my curiosity. Sadly, Kibum wasn’t into a handjob *sad face* I don’t know why, but I really like the look on Kibum’s face when he comes. It’s adorable. I mean sexy – yeah, that’s the word I was looking for. It’s weird how casually I write about wanting to give a guy a hand job, isn’t it? Haven’t even really thought about it until I met Kibum – well, yeah okay… I might have fantasized about giving Minho one once in my life…or twice…or yeah maybe even thrice – but who would have thought that someone like Kibum enters my life and makes me want to act out these fantasies. You might wonder after reading this ‘How does Kim Jonghyun even know how Kim Kibum looks when he cums?’ Good question! Because I saw it, is the answer! *badumtsssssssss*_

_We made-out on his bed yesterday, and it was really hot. I really like kissing him, his lips are super soft and so nicely shaped. Weird considering he nibbles on them all the time. I also really like the little sounds he makes, it almost sounds like the purr of a cat. Especially close to my ear? Goosebumps all over…_

_I just don’t like that it’s usually me who initiates everything. Sometimes it would just be really nice if he acted more on his instincts, you know. He’s really passive most of the time, and that really bothers me. Maybe bothering is the wrong word. But…I don’t know how to put it, but maybe I just want to be pushed down onto a bed or against a wall and be passive for once? Not the ‘I’m a plank or a dead person’ kind of passive, but more like submissive maybe? …here, take control over what’s going to happen…that kind of thing. This is a first for both of us and still I feel like Kibum thinks that I should take the lead in everything we’re doing, because I know everything. MEMO: I DON’T! I SERIOUSLY DON’T! *grabs megaphone* KIM JONGHYUN IS NOT A MASTER IN THE ART OF LOVE MAKING…IN FACT…HE’S AN ABSOLUTE NOOB. Wow…I just used the words lovemaking. How old am I? 70? I cross my fingers and hope he comes out of his shell as time moves on, because duh…I can’t imagine anything nicer right now than Kibum grabbing me and doing whatever he wants to do with me. Time will tell I guess. Silent waters run deep…or something like that.’_

Kibum gulped once, twice, and then he licked his lips, not really knowing how this was any lighter than the previous entry Jonghyun had let him read. Of course, it started off nicely, and he had started to smile when he had read the words ‘falling in love’, but the ending only made Kibum realize that he hadn’t changed much since then. Jonghyun still did most of the work in their relationship when it came to becoming closer physically as well as emotionally, and reading Jonghyun’s written thoughts on the topic made him feel even worse about it than he usually did.

 

“I’m sorry,” he simply said, and sighed deeply, shoulders slumping so Jonghyun’s head slipped from it.

 

“What for?”

 

Jonghyun sat up straight again, took the book into his own hands, and skipped through it until he found a page with a recent photo of them, showing them high up on Namsan Tower.

 

“For being an awful person,” Kibum elaborated, thoughtfully looking down at the photo Jonghyun had printed out, their noses all red from the cold.

 

“You are not an awful person, just a shy one. You already made big steps, I see that. Some people just need more time than others. That’s completely fine. Those entries, they are just my private rambling. However, I do cross my fingers and hope you throw me onto a mattress one day though,” Jonghyun quipped, nudging Kibum’s shoulder playfully with his own, making the other smile as well.

 

“I’m going to work on it.”

 

Smiling shyly, Kibum leaned forward to press a kiss to Jonghyun’s cheek, whispering a ‘Thank you’ when he moved away again.

 

“You should read one of these entries or the other things I’ve written in here whenever you feel down or something. I didn’t have the time to fill all the pages, so I thought, maybe you can use the blank ones to write your own thoughts down. Like answers to my messages or something.”

 

There was a small sheepish shrug coming from Jonghyun before he let himself fall down on the mattress, arms crossed behind his head, a sliver of skin appearing between the hem of Jonghyun’s shirt and the waistband of the pajama trousers. It still has the same effect, Kibum noted as his hands began sweating. Despite having seen the other naked by now the magic of a piece of skin hadn’t receded. For a moment he quarreled with himself, not sure whether she should lie down as well, stay seated or do something completely else. Maybe Jonghyun would consider it to be impolite if he didn’t take a shower?

 

Kibum had showered for over forty minutes that day, cleaned himself thoroughly to make sure that he would be squeaky clean, not wanting to experience anything remotely similar to some of the horror stories he had read on the internet, but perhaps etiquette demanded a shower before sex.

 

“Should I shower?”

 

He asked then, unsure, looking over his shoulder to see Jonghyun.

 

“Why are you asking me that?” he grinned, hitting Kibum’s knee with his.

 

“I don’t know. Maybe –,” he stopped midsentence and shook his head. “Nevermind. I just – yeah, I just take a quick shower as well.”

 

Determined he stood up from the bed and carefully placed the book on the desk, patting it with a tiny smile. He wanted to read all the entries Jonghyun had written at once, but sitting down to read every page didn’t seem like a very entertaining task both of them would enjoy.

 

“Am I allowed to watch?”

 

Kibum’s cheeks turned pink as he made his way over to the bathroom.

 

“Watch? Watch me shower?” Kibum certified uncertainly, holding onto the edge of the glass panel.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jonghyun sat up, hopeful, his feet dangling midair, as they couldn’t reach the carpet.

 

All Kibum could think of was the fact that Jonghyun had already seen him naked and before he had even realized, he had already nodded and said ‘sure’.

 

“Really?”

 

Jonghyun seemed to be just as confused as Kibum was, eyes widening visibly. He probably hadn’t expected Kibum to agree and neither had Kibum if he was honest.

 

“Yeah – I mean – You’ve seen me naked already anyway,” Kibum explained meekly and started to open the buttons on his shirt one by one. It felt embarrassing at first to get undressed while Jonghyun was watching, his hands shaking as he struggled with the button on his jeans, but when he finally stood under the showerhead and felt the warm water falling onto his head, he relaxed, finding peace in the sound the water made.

 

“What are we going to do after you are done showering?”

 

Jonghyun asked after he had moved over to the bathroom and had sat down on the fillet, which separated the bathroom from the main room, legs pulled close to his body, arms embracing his knees.

 

“Not sure,” Kibum answered honestly, having his back turned to Jonghyun because he felt a little less exposed like that. He had a lot of things they could do in mind, but now that they had planned everything out, and were alone together in a room without anyone knowing, everything was so tangible that it felt quite overwhelming.

 

They might have sex in the next hour, and that thought alone blew his mind. Sex. What kind of concept.

 

“We could watch TV,” Jonghyun suggested, but Kibum wasn’t really paying attention, eyes closed as he listened to the water falling onto the tiles beneath him. Therefore he only hummed as some kind of acknowledgment, his fingers running through his hair.

 

“We could also rob a bank.”

 

Another halfhearted hum and only the laughter that followed made Kibum open his eyes again.

 

“What is it?” he wondered a little bewildered and grabbed for the first bottle of body wash in the rack in front of him, which happened to be the one Jonghyun had previously used. Wouldn’t it be nice if they smelled similar?

 

“You spaced out, that’s all. But good to know that you wouldn’t mind playing a little Bonnie and Clyde.”

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just still comprehending that we’re sitting together in a love hotel and that I’m showering in front of you right now,” Kibum apologized sincerely, rubbing the body wash over his shoulders and chest, and down to his tummy. He wasn’t quite sure whether he should make a show out of it like women often did in movies when their partners were watching or if he should wash like he always did. Jonghyun probably would have liked some visual foreplay, but just the thought alone made Kibum feel embarrassed so he buried the idea right next to so many others which flooded his brain more than he’d liked to admit.

 

“It’s better than sitting at home alone, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah – it is. Definitely,” Kibum nodded and continued to wash, movements quicker to end the courtesy shower as fast as possible. He was done with showering in less than five minutes, thanking Jonghyun for handing him a towel afterwards, the tips of his ears turning red when he noticed how shamelessly his boyfriend checked him out.

 

Kibum wasn’t even fully done with wrapping the towel around his waist when Jonghyun pulled him closer by the hips, taking the moment of surprise to kiss Kibum.

 

“I’m still wet, you pervert,” Kibum smiled against Jonghyun’s lips as the other subtly pulled him back into the bedroom, his mouth automatically opening when he felt the other’s tongue nudge against it.

 

“I don’t see a problem with that,” Jonghyun murmured between kisses, letting go of Kibum when he came in contact with the bed behind them and sat down

 

Kibum still held onto his towel with one hand as he stood between Jonghyun’s legs and looked down at him. From this angle, his eyes looked even bigger and rounder as if he was a puppy asking for a treat.

 

“Why are you grinning?”

 

“You look like a puppy, that’s all,” Kibum admitted, his free hand reaching out to let his fingers glide through the mop of black, tousled hair on Jonghyun’s head.

 

“So I was told. Do you have a problem with that?” Jonghyun smirked, smile crooked, and his teeth flashing. Kibum’s heart was pounding when he leaned down until his nose was almost touching Jonghyun’s.

 

“Maybe. You know I prefer kittens,” he said mischievously, shrieking in a high-pitched voice when Jonghyun grabbed him by the knee bends and pulled him down with him until they lay on the bed, both of them laughing. Kibum buried his face into the crook of Jonghyun’s neck when the other started to growl like a dog who couldn’t be bigger than a Pomeranian judging by the pitch of his voice.

 

“You are so stupid,” Kibum chuckled, feeling the burden of pending adulthood being lifted from his shoulders, even if it was just for a second.

 

“If I’m stupid – so are you,” Jonghyun teased back, poking Kibum’s side with his index finger before the younger felt how the other’s teeth sunk into his earlobe ever so slightly, tugging at it, the growling coming from Jonghyun’s throat deepening. Next to the amusement over Jonghyun’s behavior, a tremor of arousal flashed through the synapses in his brain and right to the lower part of his tummy, fingernails clawing into the terrycloth around his middle, the other hand trying to lift his body up a bit, so he wouldn’t bury Jonghyun beneath him.

 

His laughter died down when he felt one of Jonghyun’s hands find its way in between their bodies, the palm beginning to rub him through the towel.

 

“Smooth transition,” Kibum managed to murmur, the tug on his earlobe intensifying before it was gone.

 

His body acted on its own accord when it started to meet Jonghyun’s hand and moved against it. Kibum didn’t want to appear as needy, didn’t want to show how long he had waited for all of this, and how desperately he just wanted it to be over and done with. It was ridiculous how much he had fantasized about this moment, and now that it was nearing completion Kibum couldn’t wait for it to be finished.

 

“You think we should try –,” Jonghyun didn’t finish his sentence, instead he bit his bottom lip, the movement of his hand halting.

 

“Should try what?” Kibum asked insecurely, feeling awkward on top of Jonghyun with his hand clinging to the towel around his hips.

 

“You know, should I get the lube?” There was hesitation noticeable in the way the older phrased his question, probably because he didn’t want to overwhelm Kibum with progressing too quickly. Though appreciating the sentiment, Kibum still wavered between going forward and going backwards, taking his time to think before he nodded wordlessly. A kiss was pressed to his cheek in return, and Jonghyun pushed him away gently to get up from the bed. While he kneeled down in front of his backpack, Kibum lay down on his back and tried to make himself comfortable, a task that was impossible to fulfill given the current circumstances.

 

“Got it,” Kibum heard Jonghyun finally say, and the older lifted up the utensils he had brought along as if he was holding a trophy he got from performing at a school tournament. When he scrambled back onto the bed, the younger tensed for a millisecond, realizing that running away now might be too late. Jonghyun kneeled next to him, putting the pack of condoms aside before he balanced the two tubes of lube in his hands, pondering.

 

“Okay.”

 

Jonghyun took a deep breath and Kibum looked at him a little bewildered, wondering what the other might say next, his whole body feeling tense despite lying on the softest mattress he had in a while.

 

“I read that water-based feels more natural and is easier to clean up. Whatever this means in praxis.”

 

Holding up the right tube Kibum felt like he was now a participant in The Price is Right, having to guess the sales price of the products in front of him after Jonghyun had properly introduced them.

 

“Meanwhile the silicone one is longer lasting and makes everything very slippery, which might be better to start with. However, it can stain sheets and clothes.”

 

The older one was holding up the tube in his left hand now, turning it from left to right, looking like he was reading the text printed on the back of it.

 

“So, what do you think? Which one should we take?”

 

A simple shrug was Kibum’s answer, because how should he know? It wasn’t like he had any experience with either of them.

 

“Okay then. Close your eyes for a second.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Just do it.”

 

Jonghyun was smiling at him, comforting, and Kibum followed his request with a sigh, not quite sure what he had to expect. After a moment passed the other gave him the okay to open his eyes again, Kibum’s eyes immediately wandering down Jonghyun’s arms, the hands hidden behind his back.

 

“Left or right hand?”

 

The question reminded Kibum of visits at his grandparent’s house when he was a kid, his grandma always surprising him with his favorite sweets, hiding some in both her hands, but making him choose one hand either way. He remembered the hearty laugh she had made whenever Kibum got excited over choosing the ‘right’ hand, the memory making his shoulders feel a little heavier. It wasn’t the right time to think about his grandparents now.

 

“I go with left then,” he said promptly, Jonghyun pulling out his hand from behind his back, revealing the silicone-based lube.

 

“Okay, silicone it is. We just have to try to not get it on our clothes I guess,” Jonghyun pointed out, tossing the other lube aside as if he never wanted to see it again.

 

“So, how do we proceed from here?”

 

There was a small, embarrassed chuckle as Jonghyun spun the tube around in his hand in thought, almost letting it slip between his fingers but catching it right before it hit the mattress several times. Kibum wanted to say that they weren’t going to build up a shelf from IKEA and therefore didn’t have some manual nearby, in which every step was described with a black and white graphic, but his throat felt dry like the desert, even swallowing becoming harder.

 

For the second time that night Kibum pitied himself for not being more outgoing, and for things not progressing like they did in movies, books, or even porn – especially not in porn. If they happened to be some cam boys, which could be found under the tags ‘teen’, ‘gay’, ‘virgin’, ‘Korean’, ‘amateur’ on various internet platforms, the viewers would have probably closed the tab again out of boredom, rating their show with zero stars. Understandable, Kibum thought to himself before he mulled over the possibility of love hotels having secret cameras installed in their rooms to make more profit by uploading videos of unsuspecting guests onto the internet. A gruesome idea, but the remaining logic in Kibum’s brain told him that this was most likely illegal to do that.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

Jonghyun slowly moved closer to Kibum again, reaching over his body with one hand to place it next to his waist.

 

“Just stupid nonsense, really,” admitting to it out loud made it easier to focus back on Jonghyun who leaned over with a smile and kissed him impetuously the next second.

 

Kissing seemed like a good start, like something that eventually would get them back on track, so Kibum tried to ease into Jonghyun’s touch, not even protesting when the other finally freed him from the towel around his hips. Combing through Jonghyun’s hair with his fingers he held his breath when the other’s lips moved down his throat and to his chest, one kiss after another placed on his skin, Jonghyun looking up at him every now and then, their eyes meeting. There was determination in the other’s eyes, the same look Kibum imagined soldiers to have before they went into battle to fight for their country. What did Jonghyun see in his eyes in return? Fear? Nervousness? Irresolution? A soldier who wasn’t sure if he was fighting for the right thing? If he was even ready to fight?

 

He spread his legs automatically when Jonghyun reached his hips, hands stroking his waist and sides, most likely trying to calm him down a bit by doing so. Though used to having Jonghyun’s mouth wrapped around his penis by now, Kibum still swallowed hard when the other engulfed the head with his lips, giving it a soft first suck. It was always about the imagery first before the sensations started to take over every fiber of his body, the symbolism behind the actual act of giving head.

 

Kibum felt the hand that was slowly creeping along his thigh and down the junction that connected the left leg with his torso clearly, knowing where its ultimate destination was, not being able to concentrate on anything but that hand anymore.

 

“Can you spread your legs a little further?”

 

The question made Kibum blush and he wanted to hide his face behind a pillow when he did as he was asked to and noticed how Jonghyun sat up a little to take a closer look.

 

“Can you maybe – not – stare at me – like that – I mean there,” he asked, stuttering a little, wanting to close his legs again.

 

“But I need to see what I’m doing,” came the reasonable reply, adorned with a sympathetic smile. Kibum muttered in return, feeling very defenseless. How did guys in porn feel? Not only having other actors stare at their butt, but also people standing behind cameras, which often times came way too close to be seen as comfortable. Was there a button they could press that made them forget all inhibitions?

 

When Jonghyun’s forefinger started stroking very gently around his butthole, he felt no other sensation but shame and embarrassment. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to convince himself that it was just his butt the other had started playing with. He tried to ignore the fact that he felt uncomfortable and far away from ready for any of this. They had paid for a room in a love hotel, a hotel that had been designed to make love in, and that’s what they were going to do. Just as they had planned.

 

“Does this feel good?”

 

Jonghyun seemed disappointed when Kibum shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what else to do. It didn’t feel good nor bad, it felt like nothing much at all, just like someone was stroking his butthole with their finger.

 

“What does this mean?” Jonghyun shrugged his shoulders as well and sat up for a moment, reaching over to grab the lube, and open the cap.

 

“It feels like nothing – basically – well, except for awkward,” Kibum tried to explain, watching Jonghyun spread some of the lube onto his fingers. For some reason, he looked like a doctor who got ready for a medical procedure.

 

“Can I do anything to make this feel less awkward for you? I mean – it’s unavoidable to do this, you know.”

 

Jonghyun rubbed the lube between his thumb and index finger, seemingly fascinated by the strings it pulled when he moved the fingers apart again.

 

“No, I mean – it will be fine,” Kibum made himself smile when Jonghyun looked up at him for a moment.

 

The lube felt cold, and Kibum flinched the second it touched his skin, the sensation way too foreign. Jonghyun went back to sucking him off while his fingers explored uncharted territory, a gesture he used to distract Kibum’s attention from the obvious fact that someone was playing around with his butt. But it was unsuccessful because as soon as he felt one of Jonghyun’s fingers probe into him, his senses were on the alert. It didn’t hurt nor was it uncomfortable in the slightest, but Kibum couldn’t shut up his brain, constantly worrying whether he was clean, whether this was the way to go, whether it would have been better to wait for another time. For a second even the thought crossed his mind that Jonghyun might have been more content with the idea of someone’s fingers up his butt.

 

“Is it okay? Does it hurt or anything?” Jonghyun sounded seriously worried.

 

“No, not at all.”

 

“Okay.”

 

That was all he said before slowly starting to move the finger inside of Kibum, very carefully as if feared he would tear the other apart. However, the awkwardness he felt only rose with the motion of Jonghyun’s finger. He wondered what it felt like for Jonghyun, what the other thought about if his mind was just as messed up right now as Kibum’s was. Therefore he glanced down at the older one and tried to read his mind. It turned out to be unsuccessful, the other’s mind seemingly impenetrable.

 

As Jonghyun added a second finger after a while Kibum still didn’t feel any kind of discomfort. Was it because his pain tolerance was high? Was it because Jonghyun only used two fingers? Was it because of all the lube? Or were Jonghyun’s fingers just very small?

 

“Okay?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kibum reassured, not feeling in any way aroused. The whole procedure felt too clinical, more like an appointment for a prostate exam at the doctors. Now that Kibum thought about it, in all the dreams he had of them fucking that part had always been magically skipped, so he wasn’t even sure how to make preparing someone sexier for both parties. There had to be a trick to it, a secret of some sort. There should be more kissing to start with. That was something he was quite sure of.

 

“What does it feel like?”

 

Jonghyun seemed curious, his head coming up from leaning against his thigh.

 

“Odd,” was the first thing Kibum could think of, his eyes wandering over to the TV as a commercial for a soju brand popped up on the screen. Maybe they should have taken a shot of soju first before trying anything sexual. Something to loosen them up a little.

 

“Odd?” Jonghyun furrowed his brows, tilting his head in confusion. Even Jonghyun looked a little stiff, less casual than he usually behaved, less playful it seemed. Apparently, he really wanted to do everything by the textbook, wary to avoid any kind of mistake.

 

“Yeah, I don’t know how to describe it. It just feels like – I mean – it just feels like – I’m having fingers up my butt.”

 

Kibum started to nibble on his bottom lip when Jonghyun gave out a deep, long sigh, not replying anything this time but getting back to business. The third finger was the first one that strained a little as Jonghyun tried to push it in along with the other two. It wasn’t painful by all means, the lube did a pretty good job in preventing that, but it made him feel like he had to use the toilet, a feeling that wasn’t the nicest if you were intimate with your significant other. He had read about that, so he knew that this was quite normal, but the sudden feeling of being full still made him uncomfortable at first. Jonghyun didn’t ask him if he was okay this time, instead, he kissed him on his belly, soft and gentle, looking up to see if there was any change in Kibum’s expression.

 

On one hand it felt relieving to know that it didn’t hurt like Kibum initially had feared, but on the other hand, he questioned if that was all he would get out of it. He had read that there were quite a lot of gay men who didn’t fancy the idea of anal play at all and to whom blow and hand jobs were enough to satisfy them. At first, this fact had startled and surprised him, but now he wondered whether he might be one of them? Were they doing something wrong?

 

Where were the fireworks? The sparks? The tingling? The mind-blowing sensations? Maybe it would be different during actual sex? Those were the questions Kibum quarreled with for a while before he had the courage to speak up, even though his voice came out rather lowly.

 

“Hey, I think – I mean – I think it’s okay now.” Kibum’s voice was shaking, and he barely dared to look down at Jonghyun again, too embarrassed by the fact that the other had spent so much time between his legs with his fingers inside of him. The realization that Jonghyun by now probably knew better how he looked and felt down there than he himself did, made him self-conscious, legs automatically closing when the unfamiliar feeling of being filled left his body, and Jonghyun sat up on his knees. The pajama shirt was halfway unbuttoned, a prominent tent visible beneath the cotton pants he was still wearing.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Jonghyun seemed hesitant, holding up the fingers he had used to prepare Kibum awkwardly like he didn’t want to let the remains of the lube come in contact with the bedsheets or his clothes.

 

“Yeah, it’s really okay,” Kibum assured insistently, skidding up the bed when Jonghyun leaned over to grab the package of condoms, fumbling with the flap of the white box before he finally managed to open it, and pulled out two condoms, tearing them carefully apart at the cutting line.

 

It’s really happening, it’s really happening. Kibum was screaming internally, watching Jonghyun like a hawk, eyes glued to the tiniest movements of his hands.

 

“I should take off my clothes first – I guess,” Jonghyun concluded sheepishly after almost having opened the condom wrapper already, putting it aside before fighting with the buttons on his shirt. He seemed nervous, the curiosity he had while preparing Kibum earlier completely faded away. As Kibum was watching him he felt bad for not having opened the buttons himself, but lay motionlessly on the bed instead, doing nothing at all, the role of complete passivity, one he knew how to act out by heart.

 

After almost falling face down on the ground in an attempt to take off his pants, Jonghyun now kneeled between Kibum’s legs, trying to open the condom wrapper with his fingers, failing miserably at it for several times before Kibum could hear the sound of tearing plastic. At this moment all Kibum thought was that they should have turned off the music program earlier, that he didn’t want his virginity taken during a performance of Hoot by Girls’ Generation. Was it even his virginity? Did this work the same way as it did for girls? Hadn’t he already lost his virginity the first time Jonghyun had gotten him off? The first time the two of them had been intimate with each other?

 

Once again he looked passed Jonghyun to the TV in the background, flashing lights emphasizing the dance moves of the young women on stage. Only when Kibum heard a softly cursed “Fuck – come on” did he turn his focus back to Jonghyun, the older one almost looking desperate.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Kibum followed Jonghyun’s gaze down to his crotch, and he understood immediately what was wrong without needing any further explanation. Jonghyun wasn’t hard anymore, his penis sitting almost lifelessly in his hand now, much smaller than it had been just a little while ago. Kibum wasn’t sure how to react or what to say, or if he was supposed to say anything at all.

 

He had been sure that he had thought of every possible catastrophic scenario in his head already, from Jonghyun not turning up at the subway station to having sex with Jonghyun being too painful, but the possibility of not having sex due to a bodily malfunction hadn’t even crossed his mind until now. Weren’t they hormonal teenagers whose sex organs worked effortlessly?

 

Caught up in his own thoughts he stared wordlessly at Jonghyun whose hand moved up and down his own penis, first leisurely but then with more urgency. But no matter the motion, nothing happened. It stayed soft. There were more hushed curse words, and Kibum didn’t know what to do. Was it because of him? Or was it nerves?

 

A little helplessly Kibum pushed himself up on his elbows, watching apathetically as his boyfriend fought an awkward battle with his cock. There would have been a lot of things Kibum could have done in that situation, from saying something reassuring or moving over to kiss Jonghyun and distract him, but none of these things occurred to him. He was too stunned, shocked by the idea that something like that could happen as well.

 

“Hey – uhm,” Jonghyun glanced up from the business performed between his own legs, cheeks tinted pink, his expression looking embarrassed, an unfamiliar sight Kibum wasn’t accustomed to.

 

“Can you – I mean – Can you kiss me?” he added meekly, the sentence waking Kibum up from his trance-like state. Barely nodding, he moved closer to Jonghyun, not entirely sure what kind of kiss seemed appropriate. The wetness of the lube between his butt cheeks made him feel uncomfortable as he crouched in front of Jonghyun, hands placed flatly on the bedsheets, head leaning forward. The kiss he pressed onto the other’s lips was probably the most awkward one they had ever shared, and even after Jonghyun had pulled him closer by putting one of his hands into his neck, the movements were imprecise and sluggish.

 

Kibum couldn’t concentrate on the kiss, his mind somewhere far away. Jonghyun seemed to notice his current indifference, because soon afterwards he pulled away with a sigh, hand gliding through his own hair, eyes cast downwards.

 

All he said was “Okay then,” before he stood up, and fished the pajama pants from the floor to put them back on, not even bothering with the red shirt he had worn. A little flabbergasted Kibum watched as Jonghyun grabbed the condoms and the lube, placed them back onto the nightstand as if he was cleaning up the room, and then walked over to the bathroom to pick up the towels and clothes he had discarded earlier.

 

“I have to go to the toilet,” he announced quietly after he had neatly folded his clothes and had placed the towels over a towel warmer, disappearing into the toilet without uttering another word.

 

Staring at the closed door Kibum wasn’t sure what had just happened, his body motionless. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t how he had imagined it to be at all. Where had they gone wrong? Or more like where had he gone wrong? Had it been when he had lacked to show empathy due to the fact that he had been too overwhelmed? Or had his indifference towards Jonghyun only been the tip of the iceberg, and he needed to look further back to find the root of all things that had gone wrong in the span of the past ten minutes or even hours and days?

 

Sinking back on his lower legs, he rested his hands on his thighs and waited for Jonghyun to exit the toilet again, but when the other didn’t come out after ten minutes Kibum started to get worried. A car commercial flickered over the TV screen when he stood up and grabbed some tissues to clean himself up. He put his own set of red pajamas on afterwards, and cautiously walked over to the closed toilet door, bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He didn’t know what to say, so he stood silently in front of the door for a while, fingers playing with the sleeves of his shirt, still trying to figure out where things had gone wrong.

 

About ten minutes passed before he finally mustered up the courage to ask “Are you okay?” the softly spoken “Yeah” he received in return not much of a reassurance. Kibum nibbled on his lip now, looking down at his toes, the big ones nudging against each other nervously. It took another minute for him to ask if Jonghyun wanted to come out, his shoulder slouching when the other answered with a ‘No’.

 

Kibum didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t used to this side of Jonghyun, wasn’t even aware that it existed at all until now. Jonghyun was the problem solver, the one who never seemed embarrassed, the one who had everything under control. It wasn’t like him to pull back and hide, at least that’s what Kibum thought he was doing right now. Hiding.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Was the only question that seemed okay to ask, and he looked up at the white door, feeling weird for not being able to look Jonghyun into the eyes.

 

“No – not right now. I’m too embarrassed.”

 

At that Kibum sunk down onto the heated tiles with a sigh and hugged his legs, probing his chin upon his knees.

 

“There is no need to feel embarrassed, Jong. Really.”

 

Kibum didn’t get a reply, so he stayed seated on the tiles and continued to stare at the door, hoping for it to magically open. Who would have thought that he would end up sitting on the bathroom floor of a love hotel on Christmas’ Eve with his boyfriend locked up in the toilet? The situation was so absurd that he wasn’t sure whether anyone would believe it if he told them. Not that he had any intention to talk about this night to anyone in detail, not even to Jinki. Some things should stay private after all, he understood that much.

 

“Kibum, you are making this so difficult for me.”

 

It was two performances later that Jonghyun finally spoke up and Kibum was all ears, lifting his head up to pay closer attention to the voice on the other side of the door.

 

“I can’t do this alone, you know? I’ve been stressing over this for weeks. I really wanted this to be perfect. I mean – maybe not perfect – but you know – a nice memory we both like to look back on. And – and I worried over this for so long, and – I’m so afraid of doing anything wrong, of hurting you – of not making this good for you – that – it just got too much, you know. Too much for me,” Jonghyun explained, Kibum swallowing hard in response.

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

He didn’t know why he asked it, but all of a sudden the thought that Jonghyun finally had realized that he wasn’t good enough for him, that he wasn’t on his level, that being with him was more of a burden than something that brought him joy, tapped him on the shoulder like an old friend, making him feel insecure.

 

“No – No! Of course not!”

 

The door opened just a crack, Jonghyun’s face coming into view. He was sitting on the floor just like Kibum was.

 

“Did you even listen to what I just said?” Jonghyun questioned, voice soft, not judging, but openly wondering.

 

“I thought I could be self-confident for the both of us tonight, but as it turns out I can’t.”

 

Jonghyun’s head hung low, and a low sigh left his mouth before he stood up from the floor and opened the door completely.

 

“Can we just forget about this, for the time being, lie back down in bed and – and just cuddle?”

 

He stood in front of Kibum now and reached out his hand with an almost suppliant look, Kibum taking him up on his offer without any questions asked. The other was right, maybe they should go back to things both of them were more accustomed to. Maybe his plan of having sex with Jonghyun tonight had been destined to fail right from the start. He should have listened to the older one. Maybe both of them weren’t ready for it after all.

 

Jonghyun pulled him up with a hinted smile, squeezing his fingers as he walked back to the bed. He climbed on top of it and scrambled to the head before he lay down, patting the empty space next to him. When Kibum snuggled up into Jonghyun’s arms a little later, head nestled against the other’s chest, and his left arm wrapped around his waist, he tried to calm down, taking deep, even breaths.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered against Jonghyun’s neck, the strong fragrance of lavender wafting over.

 

“What for?”

 

Jonghyun’s head leaned against Kibum’s, voice muffled, fingers combing through his hair.

 

“You know what for,” Kibum sighed deeply, tightening the grasp around Jonghyun’s waist, enjoying how close they were without it being sexual in any way. It helped him to clear his mind, to finally relax and not panic any longer.

 

“I love you,” came the reply before Jonghyun pressed a kiss on his head, Kibum softly smiling to himself.

 

“I love you, too,” he whispered and then lifted his head to look at the older one. “Honestly – I really do – like very much,” Kibum admitted genuinely, feeling like he had to make reparations for his behavior, wanting to make sure that Jonghyun knew that his feelings for him were sincere, that he wasn’t just a simple crush, a mere infatuation which would pass.

 

The smile Jonghyun graced him with was disarming, fueling his abating heartbeat with life, like wood did to a dying fire. Kibum closed his eyes when Jonghyun leaned down to kiss him, lips soft and warm against his, fingers stroking his hair in even, soothing movements.

 

****

 

It was much later when the TV was already turned off and only some sparse light from the hallway shone through the crack at the bottom of the door that Kibum had an epiphany.

 

Maybe it wasn’t an epiphany per se, nothing that came as a revelation to him out of nowhere. In fact it had been sitting in the back of his mind all along, simmering and rumbling, waiting to come up to the surface, and finally hit him in the face. He stared up into the darkness, listening to the even breaths Jonghyun took. The other had fallen asleep a while ago, giving Kibum the chance to think without the fear of making another bridge collapse underneath the weight of his insecurities.

 

Jonghyun was human.

 

To most people this was probably not a revelation but a commonly known fact, confirmed by a birth certificate and his mother who had given birth to him eighteen years ago, but to Kibum who had spent most of his time in the past few months with worshipping the mere ground Jonghyun walked on it felt like the sculptures he had carved of him in his dreams had developed tiny cracks on the surface, making his otherworldly façade slowly fall apart.

 

 

 

They were sitting in the same boat, nervous and afraid, and yet filled with hopes and expectations. Jonghyun had always tried his best to make him feel comfortable, to give him pleasure, but had Kibum ever made an effort to make Jonghyun comfortable as well? It had always been just about him, making him feel secure and safe and loved, it always had been about him and never about Jonghyun. It didn’t matter if Jonghyun usually oozed self-confidence. It didn’t matter if Jonghyun had slept with women before. Nothing of that mattered.

 

This was something new for both of them, a journey into an unknown world, and still, Kibum had expected Jonghyun to guide their ship on his own, without a map, and without any guidance or support.

 

If they continued like that their boat would eventually capsize, but worse than the thought of losing their boat was the thought of losing each other on the high sea.

 

Kibum hadn’t noticed that he had held his breath until he felt his chest and temples hurting from the pressure, and he gasped for air, hearing a ringing sound in his ears.

 

“Jong?” he asked into the darkness, impatiently waiting for a reaction. It took a few attempts to get the other’s attention before there was any movement from the older one who reluctantly grumbled something and tightened his grip around Kibum’s waist.

 

“Mmh? What?” he murmured drowsily and let his nose slide along the expanses of Kibum’s neck.

 

“You are human, Jonghyun,” Kibum announced into the dark room as if he had just made an important discovery, his body filled with an unexplainable urge to get the other’s full attention which captivated every fiber of his body. The response to his statement was a soft giggle which filled the silent room, making it appear a little brighter for a moment.

 

“I guess I am. Congratulations for realizing that at this odd hour. What did you believe I was until now?”

 

Jonghyun’s voice sounded more awake now, his fingertips softly digging into Kibum’s hip.

 

“I don’t know. An angel maybe?”

 

Though his declaration was meant to be taken seriously it earned him another chuckle and a soft kiss on his neck.

 

“You flatter me,” he began, running his hand beneath the hem of Kibum’s shirt. “However, I never liked the concept of heaven and hell very much. Don’t Abrahamic religions make it too easy for themselves? The good ones go to heaven, and the bad ones go to hell? What about all the people who are neither entirely good nor bad? Where do you cut the line? It’s all too black and white for me,” Jonghyun pondered, stroking Kibum’s side a little mindlessly.

                                                

“I wasn’t talking about heaven and hell,” Kibum interjected ruefully, turning onto his side to face the other in the dark. He couldn’t even make out the outlines of Jonghyun’s face accurately but didn’t want to turn the light back on either.

 

“But angels are part of heaven, right? Intermediaries, who act between God and humans? Supernatural beings who are pure, beautiful, and innocent? I don’t think I fit that description very well. My mind is too corrupted for that.”

 

Both of them began laughing at that, Kibum’s hand carefully reaching out to stroke the apples of Jonghyun’s cheeks. They felt warm from sleep.

 

“Maybe you are a fallen one.”

 

“Like Lucifer? I like the sound of that. Maybe I should get a name change.”

 

Kibum felt the corners of Jonghyun’s lips lift beneath his fingertips, his own automatically following the other’s example.

 

“Make it your stage name if you decide on becoming a rock star one day,” Kibum replied playfully, fingers wandering to the back of Jonghyun’s neck.

 

“Rockstar? Now your mind is giving you strange ideas. You must have had a very weird dream.”

 

There was a low chuckle followed by a surprised, muffled whine after Kibum had decided to breach their distance and press his lips to Jonghyun’s.

 

All he had on his mind was that he wanted to be good to Jonghyun for once, that he wanted to express everything he held in his heart, everything that he was usually too afraid to show because he didn’t want to be ridiculed, just this once he wanted to be the one who made Jonghyun comfortable, who wanted to make sure that Jonghyun was the one who was appreciated and loved wholeheartedly. 

 

“Jonghyun,” Kibum panted, his hand sliding down Jonghyun’s neck to come to a rest on his shoulder.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I want to blow you.”

 

The red tint on Kibum’s cheeks was concealed by the darkness surrounding them, fingers moving lower to caress Jonghyun’s chest, which felt so warm under his touch. He could feel how Jonghyun took a deep breath, his fingertips digging into the small of Kibum’s back.

 

“You don’t have to,” Jonghyun reassured, sounding puzzled, but his words fell on deaf ears as Kibum gently pushed him down until he was lying on his back.

 

“I said I want to – I – really want to. Will you let me?”

 

His voice was hushed as he carefully tried to navigate through the dark, running his hand down to Jonghyun’s hip to figure out where he had to place his leg without hurting the other by accident.

 

“Be my guest then.”

 

Kibum could hear the hint of amusement resounding in Jonghyun’s voice, and he imagined the other to show off the tiniest of smirks right now, his left leg swinging over Jonghyun’s body until he sat upon him. In that very moment, as he was seated in his boyfriend’s lap, Kibum realized that he had never done anything remotely similar before, his lips had never wandered below Jonghyun’s neck, and even his hands, having held Jonghyun’s penis already, had never taken the time to actually explore the other’s body. He had asked Jonghyun before what he liked and remembered the answers all too vividly, the sensitivity in his left ear or the mentions of experiencing the caress of his lower back as very pleasurable, but it all had just been talks, confessions falling into the hands of an awkward, anxious teen.

 

It’s dark, we’re alone and safe, no one is going to come rushing in, I want this, I really do, Kibum thought to himself as he hesitated, hands placed onto the other’s lower stomach, eyes trying to make out any shapes in the dark. It seemed as if Jonghyun sensed his internal struggle, because just seconds later Kibum felt his hands on his own, pulling him forward until he had to lean down.

 

“You don’t have to,” Jonghyun repeated once again, soft and gentle like he always sounded when he was concerned.

 

“Jong, I wanted to do this ever since I saw you sitting in that music room for the first time,” Kibum admitted, but not without feeling a little embarrassed by his confession. He buried his face into the crook of Jonghyun’s neck when the older chuckled lightly in response, his fingers closing more tightly around the ones that held his.

 

“You saw me and wanted to suck my dick? That’s –,” he paused for a second and then leaned close to Kibum’s ear. “So romantic.”

 

The comment made even Kibum laugh and it helped him to feel more at ease, pulse slowing down, and the knots in his stomach loosening.

 

“Yeah, I wanted to do that – and so much more than that,” Kibum murmured, lips grazing Jonghyun’s collarbone, memorizing the feel of it.

 

“So much more? Would you show me?” The question sounded provoking, but still held so much warmth that Kibum hummed in affirmation, letting his lips wander up to Jonghyun’s face until they came to a halt at his lips.

 

“I will,” he confirmed once again before he kissed the older one with a smile.

 

Kibum was careful in everything he did, but also curious as his lips and hands started to travel south and went on a journey of their own.

 

He spent about five minutes just with teasing Jonghyun nipples after realizing what beautiful sounds the sensation teased out of Jonghyun’s mouth, his tongue liking the texture of the nub as it had quickly hardened under his caress. The other one he teased with his fingers, rolling it in between them, pinching it slightly, and grinning to himself as Jonghyun arched into the touch with a low whimper. Kibum could feel how Jonghyun hardened beneath him, his erection rubbing against his thigh as he went on a rampage on Jonghyun’s thorax. It was a validating experience, feeling and hearing the reactions of the other’s body beneath him, knowing that he was able to make him feel that way. It was the non-verbal feedback that kept him going, that made him more excited by the minute.

 

“You’re so sensitive here. You didn’t tell me that,” he stated, as a matter of fact, giving the nipple close to his lips one last suck as his hand moved lower to the hem of Jonghyun’s pajama pants.

 

“Because I didn’t know. No one ever paid much attention to them before. They always got kind of neglected.”

 

“I’ll change that,” Kibum promised, mouth gliding down the middle of Jonghyun’s chest while his hand went bravely to his crotch, letting his fingers slip over the fabric, feeling how hard the other had become in no time. He thought about the first time he had held Jonghyun in his hand and the feeling of power that had overcome him. He remembered how nervous he had been and how unreal the situation had appeared to him. This time, however, he felt somehow surer of himself and about the things he wanted to do, he was more goal-driven; the goal being Jonghyun’s pleasure.

 

He nibbled on the softness of Jonghyun’s stomach and spread open-mouthed kisses along his happy trail before biting into the skin close to his hip, sucking at it until Jonghyun began to wiggle beneath him. Secretly Kibum hoped for the emergence of a hickey, even if it was really small and faint, but he wanted it to be a reminder, a reminder of that particular moment, that one-moment Kibum had turned the tables.

 

Was Kibum anxious when his hands carefully pulled down Jonghyun’s pajama pants and underwear? Yes, his heart beat up to his throat and his hands were shaking as the other lifted his pelvis to make the removal of his clothes easier, but Kibum wanted to test his own boundaries, wanted to get out of his comfort zone to see how far he could take it before his anxiety came to overrun him with a parade of elephants in tow who would dance on his guts and smash all his efforts. He pushed the clothes all the way down to Jonghyun’s ankles and helped him to get out of them before he settled down between the other’s thighs, stroking them gently. They were thinner than his own, hair tickling his fingertips as he ran them along the outer sides.

 

Kibum had often heard that one’s senses improved as soon as one of them was disabled, and as he kneeled between his boyfriend’s legs he contemplated whether his boyfriend’s intensified, seemingly loud breathing came from touching him or from his possible enhanced sense of hearing. No matter the real reason the little moans that left Jonghyun’s lips vibrated in his ears, the sensation sending signals right to his core.

 

He tried to remember what he had seen in porn, what he had read online, and what Jonghyun had done to him before he made any advances with his mouth, his hand finding a steady rhythm of up and down with a little twist of his wrist every now and then.

 

“Any tips?” he asked daringly and nipped at the sensitive skin that connected Jonghyun’s thigh with his torso.

 

“No teeth…maybe?”

 

The comment was voiced so timidly that it made Kibum snicker, and he nodded to himself, trying to keep the golden rule number one in mind. It was weird how he felt so much braver and bolder with the lights turned off. He was aware that his cheeks and ears were most likely tinted in bright red, but when everything – including him – disappeared in the dark it made him feel less ashamed. There wasn’t a chance for him to get lost in Jonghyun’s eyes or in that beautiful, plump mouth with its corners always appearing to be turned up into a grin. In that windowless room, Kibum could completely concentrate on what he was feeling, and what he wanted to do, and it felt liberating.

 

“I try to keep that in mind,” he answered eventually and moistened his lips. No teeth, he reminded himself as he pulled a few dorky faces and tried to cover his teeth with his lips while opening and closing his mouth several times in a row. To him, this exercise was some kind of warm-up, and once again he was glad that it was dark and Jonghyun couldn’t see him.

 

The first lick was odd. It felt like he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to, the texture not comparable to anything he had tried before. The tip tasted salty from the precum while the rest had a faint lavender flavor to it. Kibum took his time in exploring every little vein and fold, curiously biding the reaction to every single one of his actions, and pleased whenever Jonghyun’s body twitched and jerked beneath him. He found out quite quickly that he received the strongest reactions whenever the tip of his tongue gave strong, pointed licks to the left side of the glans close to the tiny opening at the top, so he repeated them ever so often, feeling a sense of achievement when one of Jonghyun’s hands reached out for him, and combed through his hair, telling him that he very much enjoyed what Kibum was doing.

 

Overall Jonghyun was more vocal than Kibum had succeeded to witness until now, the older one giving him constant validation and approval, which kept him motivated even when his mouth started to become sore. Especially taking the other into his mouth, and bobbing his head up and down turned out to be more exhausting than Kibum had anticipated, so he was somewhat relieved when it didn’t take Jonghyun long to announce his nearing climax, the fingers in Kibum’s hair digging into his scalp.

 

For a second Kibum considered to pull away and get Jonghyun off with a simple hand job, but ever since Jonghyun’s slightly disgusting description of his semen Kibum had been curious about how bad it really was. So he stayed where he was, one hand holding onto Jonghyun’s erection, the other stroking his side, and his head moving up and down in the other’s crotch.

 

The cum hit him by surprise, and he chortled for a second as the first spatter touched his throat, Jonghyun’s fingers now pulling slightly at his hair. Kibum could feel the tension in the other’s body as Jonghyun became rigid for a moment, his whole body spasming before he relaxed again. Cum tasted almost like nothing Kibum decided after he slowly pulled away, and swirled the small puddle that had formed on his tongue around in his mouth. The texture of it was sickening, but all he tasted was a trace of salt and something he couldn’t really classify. He decided that he liked it after he had swallowed the semen down, his hand still holding onto Jonghyun’s erection, which very slowly softened in his hand.

 

Before he had even the chance to collect himself again, and comprehend that he had finally given his boyfriend a blowjob, said boyfriend sat up to sling his arms around his waist, and pull him close.

 

“That was amazing, Kibum,” he murmured, sounding a little dazed, lips finding their way to Kibum’s cheek to give him a kiss.

 

“Honestly?” Kibum asked a little unsure, his arms wrapping themselves around Jonghyun’s neck who continued to place little kisses all over his face.

 

“Yes, honestly. Thank you,” Jonghyun replied and then pressed a kiss to his forehead, which made Kibum smile. He wasn’t sure if Jonghyun used some psychological trick to encourage him positively or if he was absolutely honest with him, but it didn’t really matter because Kibum was proud of himself no matter what. He had stepped out of his comfort zone to finally give Jonghyun something back, and he had pulled through until the end.

 

“By the way, it doesn’t taste bad at all. It was almost tasteless,” Kibum explained then, running his fingers through the hair on the back of Jonghyun’s head.

 

“Really? Then it was a good thing after all that I skipped all the foods that could make it taste bad for the past two weeks,” he laughed lightly, leaning his head against Kibum’s shoulder. This statement made Kibum explode with laughter, and he hit Jonghyun playfully against the shoulder, bringing some distance between them again.

 

“You’re unpredictable,” Kibum chuckled, and smiled fondly at Jonghyun through the darkness.

 

“What did it feel like? Was it like you expected it to be?” Jonghyun asked shortly after, drawing patterns on Kibum’s back with his forefinger, which made the other shudder.

 

“I didn’t think it would be so tiring. My mouth hurts,” he admitted truthfully and arched his back when Jonghyun hit a sensitive spot.

 

“It really is tiring,” Jonghyun agreed and Kibum felt him nod against his shoulder before the older one pulled them both down to the mattress.

 

“I was tired before, but now I feel utterly exhausted,” Kibum confessed with a yawn, Jonghyun’s hand gently stroking his cheek.

 

“Are you sure you don’t need me to help you out with that?”

 

At first, Kibum was perplexed, but when he felt Jonghyun’s thigh rub very softly against his dick he understood and blushed.

 

“It will go down eventually. Right now I just want to close my eyes, to be honest.”

 

He felt the pressure on his groin lessen then, Jonghyun pulling his leg back, humming understandingly.

 

“Okay, then you should do just that. Good night and sleep tight,” the older whispered in a sweet voice, leaning forward to press another kiss to Kibum’s lips. Kibum felt cozy, warm, and safe like he was wrapped in a soft cloud, ready to be taken into heaven.

 

How quickly everything had happened, how fast things could develop if Kibum gave himself a little push every now and then. They had gone from preparing to have sex, to Kibum asking Jonghyun if he should leave, to Kibum giving his boyfriend his first blowjob within an hour. It had felt like days had passed, but the small little alarm clock on the nightstand told Kibum that it was only past 11 pm, the time when rats started to come out and play.

 

Sleep overcame Kibum quickly, the soothing motion of Jonghyun’s hand stroking his back lulling him in until he couldn’t differentiate between dream and reality anymore and finally dozed off.

 

******

 

When Kibum woke up again he noticed two things; the first one was the soft light that made it harder for him to open his eyes, and the second and far more important one was the absence of Jonghyun next to him. For a moment he felt like panicking as the fear of being abandoned grabbed his chest, but when he turned his head he saw the other sitting naked at the desk, hovering over a book, the light of a table lamp being the source of light in the room.

 

Confused and drowsy he rubbed his eyes, a yawn leaving his lips as he checked the small clock next to the bed once again. It was past 2 am now.

 

“Why are you sitting there?”

 

Jonghyun turned around immediately; hair tousled, and a pen in his hand.

 

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” He looked apologetic, the younger shaking his head in return.

 

“No, I was just thirsty. Can’t you sleep?” Kibum asked and slowly sat up, scratching his neck.

 

“I wasn’t really tired anymore. Besides the ventilation in this room really sucks, and I felt way too hot beneath the blanket,” Jonghyun explained almost in a whisper as if he was afraid of waking up any guests occupying the other rooms on their floor.

 

“You should have woken me up.”

 

“No, you look way too cute when you are asleep.”

 

There was a tiny grin on Jonghyun’s lips when he grabbed for his phone, pressed a few buttons, and then showed the display to Kibum who started pouting when he saw a photo of himself sleeping.

 

“Don’t take photos of me while I’m asleep,” he whined groggily, the pout on his face only widening.

 

“But you looked so peaceful.”

 

“Still,” Kibum retorted and slid over to the edge of the bed, feeling a little wobbly on his feet when he stood up. At closer examination, the book Jonghyun had been hovering over just a minute ago turned out to be the sketchbook Jonghyun had gifted him with.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Me? I was just adding another entry to the sketchbook. I thought this might be a nice addition,” Jonghyun explained with a smile, covering the opened pages with his hands when Kibum came nearer to take a look at what he had written.

 

“No, read it at home when you feel upset or something,” Jonghyun suggested, now almost leaning over the book to hide the text he had written when Kibum stepped behind him and tried to look over his shoulder.

 

“What did you write?” Kibum asked curiously, resting his chin on Jonghyun’s shoulder, hands coming around his chest. The other felt incredibly warm despite sitting on a chair without any clothes on. For some reason, Kibum felt an unknown impulse to be physically close to the other like he needed to actually touch Jonghyun to feel secure. He speculated why that might be, why his brain all of a sudden had switched from physical contact sending his mind into a frenzy to him feeling content when he was close to Jonghyun. It couldn’t be that a blowjob and a few words of appreciation were enough to make his weirdly wired brain work normally for once, or could it? He wasn’t that simple, or was he?

 

While pondering over those questions Kibum pressed a small kiss against Jonghyun’s neck, liking the little pleased sound the other made in return. It was fun to hear those little mewls, they sounded cute.

 

“I wrote about today,” came the simple reply, the answer making Kibum even more curious.

 

“I want to read it,” Kibum whined, stamping his feet on one spot like a spoiled child.

 

“You can, but not now.”

 

Jonghyun closed the sketchbook with a laugh before he turned around to face the younger one.

 

“Instead of reading in the sketchbook I gave you, how about you read me the story you wrote for me in bed, mh?” 

 

His hands reached out to hold Kibum by the waist, the younger one thinking about the suggestion for a moment before agreeing to it with a nod. Jonghyun hadn’t said it out loud, but that he was still awake at this hour was most likely a sign of him not being able to fall asleep again. With a bright smile, Jonghyun grabbed the purple sketchbook from the desk and got up, both walking back to the bed to crawl beneath the sheets, Kibum wrapping an arm around Jonghyun’s shoulder so the other could snuggle into the crook of his arm.

 

“I look absolutely adorable as a chibi version of myself,” Jonghyun exclaimed when he handed Kibum the sketchbook.

 

“You also look absolutely adorable in human form,” Kibum pointed out with a smile and opened the book, a drawing of Kibum in a pair of overalls who lay on a meadow surrounded by flowers and butterflies appearing, a small cat sitting right next to him.

 

“I’m not adorable.”

 

Jonghyun elbowed him, the pout on his lips not visible on his face but noticeable in his voice. Kibum wanted to hit back with ‘Yes, you are’ but he swallowed that down, preferring to read the text written on the page and not tease his boyfriend any further.

 

“Once upon a time there was a lonesome boy who loved to lie in the grass and count the flowers around him and the clouds far up in the sky. Slightly peculiar in his interests the boy had no human friends, his best companion a small cat, whose fur was streaked with brightly colored orange stripes,” he started to read, remembering how hard it been to come up with an idea for a goodnight story.

 

“This is such a sad beginning,” Jonghyun voiced in a plaintive voice and looked up at Kibum.

 

“Well, that’s basically the story of my life,” he explained blandly and turned the page, the next site showing him and the cat walking through a forest, a small pink bag sitting on his back.

 

“One day the cat turned to the boy and said ‘Let’s go on a journey far away from here. There has to be more to this world than just our small village and this field of grass.’ –.”

 

“Wait, the cat can speak?” Jonghyun interrupted and gaped at Kibum in surprise, eyes wide and mouth agape, the reaction making the younger one chuckle.

 

“Of course it can. It’s a fairytale after all.”

 

“That’s so cool. I also want a speaking pet.”

 

Kibum could see out of the corner of his eyes how Jonghyun pushed his bottom lip forward.

 

“You actually have one.”

 

“I have?” Jonghyun turned his head again, his eyes sparkling as if he had just won the lottery.

 

“Yeah, look here,” Kibum closed the book again to show the cover of it to Jonghyun, pointing at the small dog sitting in the boat with them.

 

“Spoiler alert, but that’s Roo and the cat is named Boo,” he explained in a calm voice, a chuckle resounding next to him.

 

“I got a dog named Roo and you got a cat named Boo? I’m already loving this story.”

 

The sheer delight in Jonghyun’s voice made Kibum look at him fondly, and the sleepless nights and headaches he had gone through in the process of creating his little gift had suddenly become all worth it.

 

“Yeah, those two don’t really get along well at first, but we will get to that later in the story,” Kibum added and then continued reading. Page after page the two of them explored the world Kibum had created for Jonghyun, a world that was so much kinder to its inhabitants than the real one was, one that was rich in colors and emotions. It was a utopia, a better version of the world they had to live in.

 

“You’ve really worked hard on that, haven’t you?”

 

Kibum was in the middle of reading a passage about his chibi-self meeting Jinki who was dressed in a white bunny costume and carried around a little basket with tasty looking pastry around when Jonghyun nudged his chest with the tip of his nose; his voice calm and composed.

 

“It’s nothing, really,” he belittled himself once again, lowering his gaze when Jonghyun moved up in his arms until they both were on eye level.

 

“It takes some people years to create something like your story, and you wrote and drew it down so beautifully in a mere few weeks. How can this be nothing?”

 

When Kibum didn’t answer a long sigh left Jonghyun’s lips, and he leaned back against Kibum’s shoulder, taking one of the other’s hands into his own.

 

“What am I going to do with you, Kim Kibum?”

 

Kibum wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to answer that question or not, silently observing how Jonghyun’s smaller hands embraced his, pressing it flat so he could look at the palm, forefinger running along the fine lines in his skin.

 

“I’m wondering about what is going to happen to us when I graduate a lot, you know,” Jonghyun said thoughtfully, the finger wandering over Kibum’s hand causing a tingling sensation.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Whenever Jonghyun sounded that thoughtful Kibum became anxious, worrying that something might be wrong, that Jonghyun wasn’t happy, that he wanted to stop trying.

 

“I think the transition will be tough. New environment, new classes, new people, a completely new life. I’m worried that things might not work out the way I want them to work out for us,” he confessed with another sigh and interlocked their fingers, squeezing Kibum’s hand.

 

“You said we will make this work,” Kibum replied silently, feeling at a loss for words. He didn’t like the sound of the things Jonghyun had said nor the way he had looked while doing so.

 

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

 

He nodded and began to smile; a sad smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes. Kibum closed the sketchbook and placed it on the nightstand to his left before he took a deep breath and turned around to face Jonghyun.

 

“So, you are not sure anymore?” Kibum assured himself, looking down at their interlocked fingers. The complete night hadn’t gone as planned, and Kibum feared that it would only get worse from now on.

 

“I am, but there are things I don’t have any influence on. There are so many stories about people who broke up after graduating, because they drifted apart,” Jonghyun contemplated and sat up straight, the blanket, which had covered his chest, slipping down to his navel.

 

“We don’t have to be one of those. I mean we don’t need to be a break-up story.”

 

It was difficult for Kibum to find the right words he needed to say to convince Jonghyun of something he wasn’t sure of himself. After all, he was always the one who was scared of the end of their relationship.

 

“Believe me I would also prefer a happy ending over anything else anytime.”

 

Jonghyun was looking down at Kibum now, eyes soft but tired looking, slightly reddish from fatigue. He wasn’t sure why Jonghyun had addressed such a serious topic at a time like this, but it made him feel insecure. Maybe it was some sort of delayed revenge for his behavior earlier that evening, his punishment for acting the way he had.

 

“Is there a reason you think about this at 2 in the morning?”

 

Usually, Kibum would have been preoccupied with staring at Jonghyun’s naked chest and observe every single mole, every bump, and blemish he found there, but now it didn’t feel like the right thing to do, his eyes going back up to the other’s face when he had caught himself staring at the little brownish dot between his collarbones, which was placed so perfectly in the middle that it looked like it had been drawn onto Jonghyun’s skin.

 

“My thoughts tend to turn a few shades darker after midnight. Sometimes it feels like all the negativity I suppressed during the day unleashes as soon as the moon goes up.”

 

Jonghyun lay down on the pillow after that and pulled the blanket up against his torso before he added self-consciously: “I’m sorry for bringing this up. I shouldn’t have.”

 

He stretched out his arms then, beckoning Kibum to lie down with him again, pulling the other down as soon as he made a move to follow his request. Kibum had no idea what to think about this whole talk, wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to let this conversation slide just like that, and file it under ‘unspoken truths’.  But then again it might be better to adjourn their talk to another time when it wasn’t past midnight, and they were both properly awake.

 

“Maybe we should try to sleep now,” Kibum suggested feebly, his face resting against Jonghyun’s chest. There was a soft hum, which vibrated through Jonghyun’s body, and the other’s hand found its way into Kibum’s hair, gently combing it.

 

“Just so you know, I love you.”

 

Kibum wasn’t certain if Jonghyun had heard him, if he had spoken out his thoughts loud enough, his own voice feeling too weak – even to him.

 

“I love you, too. A lot,” came the soft reply, the answer allowing Kibum to have some piece of mind for the night, although it wouldn’t let the turmoil in his stomach calm down completely.

 

******

 

The growing volume of Kibum’s alarm sound was unnerving, and he fumbled in the dark, following the source of the constant beeping, feeling how Jonghyun next to him started moving.

 

“It’s already time?” Jonghyun sounded groggy as Kibum rolled around to finally get a hold on his phone and press the menu button to turn off his alarm.

 

“Yeah,” Kibum responded in a breathy voice, his nose feeling stuffy, and his temples throbbing. There couldn’t be a worse time to fall ill. It was past 8 am now and all he wanted to do was lie back down and sleep, but he couldn’t because he had promised his mother to be at the church on time. The place he feared because he was afraid that God would judge him and send a lightning bolt his way.

 

“I’m feeling unwell,” he said, snuffling, and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Kibum squinted his eyes when Jonghyun turned on the bedside lamp, instinctively lowering his head to avoid the sudden brightness.

 

“You know the first stages of falling ill? When your throat hurts, your nose is blocked, and you feel like a truck just ran you over? That’s how I’m feeling right now,” Kibum whispered, every word leaving his mouth hurting him.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Give me a minute, I’ll make you tea.”

 

Jonghyun jumped up from the bed immediately, and walked over to the water kettle, grabbed it and filled it up with water from the sink in the bathroom, doing all that while still being completely naked. There was a part of Kibum that seriously envied Jonghyun’s body confidence. He appeared so self-assured in his own skin as if he didn’t care what other’s opinions on his appearance were.

 

“You gave me a hickey.”

 

Kibum cocked his head to the side, watched how Jonghyun flipped the switch on the water kettle, and then turned towards him, pointing at his belly.

 

“Did you do that on purpose?”

 

There was a faint smile on Jonghyun’s lips as he looked at Kibum, the younger one forgetting his headache for a moment to concentrate on not blushing instead.

 

“Maybe,” he replied, seeing that his work from last night had paid off after all, a faint red mark in the size of a 500 ₩ coin gracing the skin between Jonghyun’s navel and his hip. It looked cute almost like a crooked, little heart.  

 

“Wanted to mark your territory?” Jonghyun’s voice sounded teasing now, his grin visibly widening. Laughing hurt, but Kibum couldn’t suppress it, and he held his head to ease the pain. He didn’t even have painkillers to make the dull ache more bearable.

 

“You are like a cat after all, huh?”

 

“Maybe”, Kibum once again answered short and crisp to avoid talking too much. Maybe the internal stress had weakened his immune system over the past few days, making him more prone to catch a virus infection.

 

“Maybe, maybe,” Jonghyun repeated in a sing-song and wiggled his butt playfully while he grabbed one of the tea bags next to the water kettle. They were all the same brand and flavor; some cheap roasted rice tea, which was packed in yellow wrapping and could be bought in every supermarket and convenience store all over the country.

 

“You can put the tea bag on this saucer, but it has to brew for about two minutes first,” Jonghyun instructed after he came up to Kibum with the tea, carefully placing the cup and the small plate on the nightstand next to him.

 

“Thank you,” Kibum almost coughed the words, pulling a face when the sensation burnt his throat.

 

“You sound really bad. Are you having a fever?”

 

Jonghyun sat down next to him with a worried expression and reached out his hand to feel his forehead.

 

“No, you don’t. That’s good,” he said then, caressing Kibum’s face with his fingers. “Are you sure you want to go to church like this? We can also stay until check-out so you can rest some more.”

 

“I can’t. My mom will get suspicious if I don’t show up. I can also lie down in bed when I get back home. It’s nothing bad, just a slight cold.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

Jonghyun didn’t seem too convinced, his hand only leaving Kibum’s face when said one leaned over to the side to pick out the teabag and place it aside. He blew the surface several times before cautiously guiding it to his mouth, the hot liquid easing the pain he felt in his throat for a moment.

 

The two of them didn’t talk much for the next twenty minutes; Kibum trying to spare his voice by busying himself with drinking tea, and Jonghyun getting dressed again and brushing his teeth in the little bathroom. Kibum watched the other pack his bag, a sour expression appearing on his face when Jonghyun held up the bouquets of flowers they had forgotten to put into some water the previous night and now looked like they were drained of all energy The pretty flowers landed in the trashcan placed beneath the desk, Kibum being a little sad over the fact that the flowers had died in this vein; underappreciated and unloved. His mother would have liked the yellow blossoms Jonghyun’s mother had chosen for her very much. Both had some fruit from the little basket Kibum had stored in his backpack for breakfast, another gift his mother had bought for Jonghyun’s family. The older one chewed on an apple, while Kibum slowly munched on a banana until it turned mushy, trying to swallow only small bits of it at a time.

 

Both of them ran through a routine that made it look like it hadn’t been their first night at a love hotel like they were used to the drill of getting ready in the morning after an excessive night of drinking and having sex. With the only difference that neither of them had drunk any alcohol nor had there be any sex – at least not in the way, they had originally planned. Putting on his suit was exhausting to Kibum so Jonghyun helped him by buttoning up his shirt and tying a blue tie around his neck. He did all that with so much care that Kibum felt sorry for feeling like trash and wasn’t able to end their time together on a lovelier note.

 

It was scary how quickly the hour from them waking up to them leaving their hotel room had passed, Kibum feeling nauseous when they entered the elevator at the end of the hall. The suit he was wearing made him feel uncomfortable, the fabric on the sleeves of his jacket and the legs of his pants feeling shorter than they had the last time he had worn them. Apparently, he had grown an inch or two since last year.

 

On their way down he thought about all the hopes he had had when he had first entered the hotel the previous night, but despite feeling closer to Jonghyun than he had before, nothing had gone as planned, all his made up fantasies discarded and unfulfilled because of his own stupid doings. There was no one but him to be blamed for it, no one he could pass this burden on. It was disheartening.

 

Before the elevator door opened on the first floor Jonghyun gave him a little peck, Kibum protesting by turning his head away from him because he didn’t want the other to fall ill as well. A pointless worry, which he realized himself since the chances of Jonghyun having already been infected through one of their make-out sessions were quite high.

 

The receptionist had changed overnight, a short man in his thirties greeting them as they came up to the front desk to return their key card, Kibum still avoiding any form of eye contact when the employee handed Jonghyun his deposit. It had snowed overnight and Kibum started to freeze as soon as they exited the hotel, the closing of the automatic doors behind them cutting them off from Seoul’s nightlife in a blink of an eye. They were back on the street, back in reality, back to everything Kibum knew and was used to.

 

“So, that was something else,” Jonghyun broke the silence, looking over at Kibum with eyes turned into crescents, his nose peeking through his thick scarf.

 

“It was,” Kibum agreed quietly, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his coat. It felt nicer to walk through the cold when one didn’t need to carry flowers and a suit bag around.

 

“I don’t want to be that person saying it, but –,” Jonghyun paused and Kibum looked at him curiously, the older one’s hair messily peeping out from beneath his beanie. “I was right. You can’t plan things like that,” he proclaimed eventually, almost hopping through the snow like an excited child during the first snow of the year.

 

Kibum wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry at Jonghyun’s statement, wanting to agree with him, but at the same time wanting to hit him for reminding him that he had been wrong all along. If he had learned one thing from that experience, then it was the basic fact that ‘Planning wasn’t the key to success either’ and that endless preparations in advance only put too much pressure on everyone involved, and heightened the chances of failure tremendously. Maybe Jonghyun’s first advances in his room had been too spontaneous and rushed, but Kibum’s plan had been on the complete other side of the spectrum, too long in the making, too burdensome. Was there a possibility of finding a middle way at all?

 

“Yeah, I figured that out. I’m sorry for putting you through this,” Kibum apologized with a long sigh, wanting to hold Jonghyun’s hand, but instead bumped into his shoulder, pretending to be just good friends with him who fooled around on Christmas Day.

 

“Spending time with you is always fun, so I had a nice time either way. Don’t rack your brain. It happens when it happens.”

 

Jonghyun bumped back into him in response, a small, playful fight of bumping into each other ensuing, which only worsened Kibum’s headache, and made him step away from Jonghyun quite quickly. The streets hadn’t been cleared yet, so they stomped through the snow, Kibum liking the crunching sound the snow made beneath his feet.

 

 

They arrived at the station after a few minutes of walking, even the main street looking far less busy than it had the previous evening when they had met up. With the shops still closed that early in the morning even a city as big as Seoul appeared almost peaceful and quiet.

 

Kibum wanted to pick up on the conversation they had started the previous night but didn’t feel like spending their last minutes together with negative thoughts. There was a better time for that. If there was ever a good time for having a serious conversation that is.

 

“Can I come over to your place?”

 

Jonghyun’s question startled Kibum as they entered the subway station and walked down the stairs, the younger one almost losing his footing in surprise.

 

“You mean today?”

 

Jonghyun started laughing in response.

 

“No, not today, but in the next few days. We have Christmas break after all so we should make the best out of it. Daily slumber parties. A drink on New Year’s Eve. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

 

Kibum pulled his transportation card over the scanner at the gate and went through it after the light on the scanner blinked green, Jonghyun doing the same at the gate on his left side. Having daily slumber parties sounded like heaven to him, something he had dreamed of already the last time there had been a week off of school, his dreams back then crushed painfully after Jonghyun had announced a trip to his grandparents’ place. Maybe they could use that time to bond further. Maybe it was good for Kibum to see Jonghyun more regularly, so his body wouldn’t always need the extra time to adapt to the other’s presence again.

 

“That sounds nice,” he agreed with a smile as they walked along a number of small shops, which sold everything from telephone cases to toothpaste, the small underground maze with its endless passageways looking livelier at this hour than the world outside of it did. The two of them got on the same subway for one stop before Kibum had to get off at Dongdaemun to change lines while Jonghyun continued to travel to Dongmyo. As his stop neared Kibum didn’t feel like saying goodbye yet. Whenever he spent more time with Jonghyun than average, letting go of him became harder, their hug before Kibum stepped outside longer than usual.

 

“Send me a message when you get to the church, okay? I’ll call you later,” Jonghyun called after Kibum had already exited the subway, Kibum turning around to see his boyfriend lean outside the wagon, hand holding onto the rail to his right. He nodded and waved at Jonghyun when the door closed, the other pulling funny faces behind the glass door, which made Kibum laugh out loud. ‘You are a dork!’ he mouthed at him and then copied one of Jonghyun’s by sticking out his tongue.

 

 


End file.
